Original subtitles

(dramatic music plays)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

♪ ♪

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪♪

- (Arliss narrates) In the ultracompetitive world - (bat cracks)

Of representing athletes, I hold my own

against the monolithic agencies

that try to hoard our greatest stars.

Barry Bonds: Only from the killer bee!

(classical score plays)

(bat cracking)

I'm coming to penthouse!

Ooh! Boy, I gotta pat myself.

(Arliss narrates) I can compete with the giants of my industry

because of the rapport I have with athletes.

I'm not a sycophant who tells 'em only what they want to hear.

Ooh! Touch 'em all.

- (bat cracking) - I treat athletes as men,

Not demigods.

You are the greatest ballplayer alive today.

Maybe the greatest of all time,

with apologies to your godfather.

You came all the way up here to blow smoke up my ass?

It's not that far.

I think you're opening your hips a little too fast.

Ha. You're tripping.

Come on, Arliss, you know why you're here.

You want me to leave CPM and sign with you.

That's not exactly untrue,

although I do think there are players of lesser talent

who are getting more endorsement play than you are.

Do you know why?

I'm too nice a guy?

Not just that. It's that you're with too big an agency.

CPM is so big, you're competing with other CPM clients.

There are deals when Mike Armstrong has to say,

"Hmm, do I give the Nike spot to Barry or to Griffey?

Let's see. What did Junior get me for my birthday this year?"

You know, that kinda shit. Whereas I would wake up every day and think,

"What can I do for Barry Bonds today?"

I like a big agency, Arliss.

When there's a problem, they throw their weight around.

(bat cracks)

Let me ask you a question:

Do you have Mike Armstrong's home phone number?

No.

Ho! Here's mine.

Call me any time, day or night.

(bat cracks)

One thing does piss me off:

How come Ken Griffey Jr. gets to run for president and not me?

I don't know. I'd vote for you.

(chuckles) Oh!

Oh! Oh, gee, sorry.

I just... I had a little... Little too much Vaseline.

You got Barry Bonds?

Just a matter of closing him.

Wow. Mike Armstrong is gonna be pissed.

Well, no more pissed than we were when that prick stole Agassi from us.

This is a counterstrike against the evil empire!

- (phone rings) - What did you tell Bonds?

The truth: That we're a boutique agency,

that I'll always be there for him,

and not just through the good times, through the bad too.

Michael Irvin on line four.

I'm not here.

Uh, he's in a meeting right now.

- We got Bonds. We got Bonds. - Bonds!

- Whoo-hoo! - Arliss Michaels' office.

Guys: Bonds! Bonds! Bonds!

Uh, yeah, just one second, please.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

(Rita clears throat)

Mr. Armstrong.

Really?

Oh, boss, you gotta do one of them sack dances over his prone body.

Take the 15 for taunting, you know? Just so what? He deserves it.

Michael. How is the dean of the Five-Percenters?

Yes, yes, I agree it has gotten out of hand.

Sure. Fine. See you there.

(phone clatters)

He wants to meet me at his club.

(jazz music playing)

Cohiba Esplendido. From Castro's private stash,

$100 a stick.

A hundred dollars? With apologies to George Burns,

I don't know whether to smoke it or fuck it.

(both laugh)

So, you and Barry had a little chat yesterday.

Hey, Mike, you're the one who started this with Agassi.

Arliss, we probably lose one client a week, all told.

Of course, for every one client stolen from us, we sign three of theirs.

That sounds like a threat.

(coughs) No thanks, I've got my own.

(chuckles) Arliss, relax.

I'm not here to threaten you.

In fact, I've always admired that little mom-and-pop shop you run.

I've had an eye on it for a long time.

An eye on it?

I wanna buy your company.

You wanna buy Arliss Michaels Management?

I wanna make you a member of the CPM family.

I'm not gonna even entertain that idea.

AMM is not for sale.

I cherish my independence.

Besides, last year, you laid off 125 of your family.

Oh, you're wrong about that. I didn't lay off anyone.

I simply reduced the number of positions.

Oh.

You generate seven million a year in commissions

with a net of 4.5 million.

The going rate is usually multiples of earnings times 12,

so I figure a fair price for your company is 54 million.

(coughs) 54 million.

I will entertain that idea.

Of course you will. You're not brain dead.

(Arliss narrates) On occasion I've been approached to sell my company,

but you can't put a price on what Arliss Michaels Management means to me.

Fifty-four million.

Fifty-four.

(lively music plays)

Arliss: I don't see myself as a corporate president,

but as the captain of a winning team.

In fact, if you put "T-E" in front of AMM,

it spells "teamm."

Arliss! I got him.

Here he is. This is Fabian.

(whimpers)

Fabian?

He's a champion sled dog.

He's the co-leader of the last three winning teams of the Iditarod.

He's a gold mine.

Oh, and this is Carl.

He... he's a musher. He, you know, mushes.

And he's completely willing.

To what?

To let us represent Fabian.

Kirby, come here.

(whispers) Do you think I run some kind of mom-and-pop operation here?

You know what CPM would do if you ever brought in a dog as a prospective client?

They'd probably put him to sleep.

Hell, they'd probably put me to sleep!

But we're not CPM.

Who wants to be? That's not what we're about.

It's never what we've been about.

(Arliss narrates) I first met Kirby Carlisle, the dean of my staff,

in college in the 70's where we shared similar interests.

(both snorting)

Thanks a lot, Arliss. Am I clean?

Wait a second. Go like this.

- Good. Good, good. - ("Star-Spangled Banner" plays)

Oh, game's starting. I gotta go.

Okay, look, I'll meet you afterwards

- I've lined up some entertainment. - (both laugh)

Take care. Have a... Have a good one.

(Arliss narrates) When Kirby was selected as the number-one pick in the NFL draft,

it was only natural that he asked me to represent him.

He knew I'd have his best interests at heart.

Well, gentlemen, Kirby Carlisle is going to join the million-dollar club,

five years at 200,000 per. Done.

No, not... not done.

The 200,000, that's just the base salary,

that's just if he shows up.

In addition, he is to receive double the usual per diem

and private deluxe accommodations on the road.

- Don't forget Tull. - Oh, and 15 tickets to Jethro Tull.

Uh, excuse me, who's Mr. Tull?

No, no, no, no. Not Mr. Tull. Jethro Tull. It's a rock band.

You know, "Aqualung."

(vocalizing "Aqualung")

Man: Excuse me. Whoa. Young man.

We're going to offer your client a contract

to play football, that's all.

And if you were an experienced representative,

you wouldn't embarrass yourself or your client any further.

Sir, I may be inexperienced, but I am not naive.

I know if it wasn't for this young man,

you wouldn't be having me in this room,

so why don't we just cut through the bullshit?

I've got what you want,

and he wants Jethro Tull tickets.

Both: ♪ Snot running down his nose ♪ (vocalizing music)

♪ Greasy fingers... ♪♪

(Arliss narrates) From that moment on, I had a career.

Unfortunately, after breaking his throwing arm in 13 places,

Kirby's career was short-lived.

He became an associate at AMM

and continues to bring interesting clients into the office.

I'm telling you boss... Milk-bones, chew toys, stud fees.

Fabian's a hero to other dogs.

They'll look up to him as a role model!

Kirby. (whispers) Dogs don't shop.

Nice to meet you. Have a good mush.

(Arliss narrates) Being independent means no corporate politics.

I'm always upfront with my colleagues.

Stanley. Hypothetical.

Shoot.

An owner friend of mine has capital gains of about $50 million.

What kind of taxes is he looking at?

Capital gains rate is 28%,

Yeah, but how could he avoid, you know, paying those taxes?

Well, he could move the money into an offshore operation

- on the Cayman Islands... - Good.

But the money would have to stay there.

- No good. - Or... and this is a personal favorite...

He could swap for stock and pay no taxes until he sells his shares.

(Arliss narrates) I pride myself on discovering new talent.

For example, Stanley Babson, my crackerjack head of business affairs.

I first encountered Stanley when he was a lowly studio accountant.

I don't understand. Over the past few years,

my client has made a series of hit films for your studio.

"Four into Six Won't Go," "The Haymakers"...

"Wheels of Heat," "Big, Bad, Broken."

And my own personal favorite, "The Return of Biff Kluger."

- Thank you. - Now, together, this multi-pic pack

Has grossed over $50 million, they only cost nine to make.

So, explain to me why my client hasn't seen a nickel of profit!

Mr. Michaels, I assure you,

No one here is taking advantage in any way.

This is standard accounting practice for our industry.

- (sighs) - I was hoping for some payoff.

If I had known this, I would've asked for cash in front.

Let me explain. These films took in $50 million in rentals.

The theater owners keep half,

which brings us down to 25 million.

Of that 25, seven goes into distribution fees,

the films cost nine, interest brings that to 12.

You have to double that cost for prints and advertising...

(calculator clicking)

lot fees, studio service rentals,

which leaves you with...

$14.3 million...

in the red.

What a bunch of shit.

Hey, come here for a second.

(whispering) Just between me and you, how do you get away with this?

Oh, this is nothing. You should see what we have

on the books for Aladdin's entourage.

- (sighs) - (knocks on door.)

Mr. Babson, I think you've spent ample time explaining to these gentlemen.

Might I suggest you get back to work on our money makers?

Oh, we're working here through the weekend.

Uh, this weekend?

(sighs) This Saturday is my parents' 40th wedding anniversary.

Happy anniversary, but if you can't be here Saturday,

Don't bother coming in Sunday.

- Understood? - (mouths)

Understood, Mr. Dalrymple.

We're reorganizing. (sighs) I don't like it.

If Walt was still here, this wouldn't be happening.

(mutters) If Walt was still here, I wouldn't be happening.

Sweet guy.

Hey, he's the nicest guy here.

You ever think of leaving?

Every second of the day.

I don't doubt it. Look at you.

I mean, you're a young man and you're already losing your hair.

I guarantee you that won't happen if you come to work for me.

And so... short form...

Your friend might wait until after the election

and just hope that they lower the capital gains rate

they way they're always promising.

But what if he wanted the money is his hands, now.

Then he'd pay $14 million in taxes.

Fourteen million! Since when is Uncle Sam a partner with...

He's a very close friend. Excuse me.

Oh, I hate to rain on whatever parade

you've been on for the past two hours,

but Rodney Hampton called, he's leaving us.

What? I don't believe this.

After I engineered that bidding war

between New York and San Francisco,

I made him rich! Where the hell is he going?

CPM.

Well, CPM is very good.

What? You're not gonna fight to keep him?

Fight? Little boys fight.

Well, you... you're just gonna let him go to CPM?

Since when is it necessary to impugn the integrity of my competitors?

You're acting strange. What happened last night?

Listen, I've gotta go see Bernie Orenstein now.

Your lawyer? Now? No, no, no, no

I've got you with Dave Justice at 5:00,

which means I have to bump your stress test,

which you desperately need, to 6:00.

- Now you have cocktails at... - (Arliss narrates) If there was a Franklin Day Planner event

In the Olympics, Rita Wu would take the gold.

Remember your cholesterol level. No meat, no fish, have a salad.

Non-fat dressing.

(Arliss narrates) Recognizing her unique talents,

I try to ensure that Rita does not stay chained to her desk.

Oh, listen, while I'm at Orenstein's,

could you swing by and pick up my laundry?

I'm all out of clean shirts.

Sure! And on your way out,

do you mind stopping by the grocery store and picking me up

some Thai, tampons, milk, and cat food?

I take it that's a "no."

(pencil sharpener whirs)

No, not the singer Fabian. The dog.

The Iditarod champion.

Where have you been? On Mars?

("Ride of the Valkyries" playing)

Is this an office or a 13-year-old's bedroom?

(man laughs)

Uh, I'll call you back.

- (indistinct chatter) - Umm...

Um, excu... can I help you?

No.

Who the hell are they?

CPM foot soldiers.

What are they doing?

Kicking the tires.

The nerve of that guy, saying my office looks like the bedroom of a 16-year-old.

Stanley thinks that Arliss is gonna sell AMM to CPM.

No way! Arliss isn't gonna sell to CPM.

- They're the enemy. - Huh! Everything has its price.

They don't have executive assistants at CPM.

They don't have paper. They just have email.

Holy shit. Dress code.

You two can worry about emails and dress codes,

but you're missing the big picture.

Downsizing.

Both: Downsizing?

Look, when they come, I'll do all the negotiating.

I figure if they'll pay 54 million, they'll pay 60.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm your lawyer.

When a proctologist goes for a physical,

does he stick his own finger up his ass?

You're too close to this, Arliss!

Let me run point.

(knocks)

(chuckles)

Boss, I got some possible deals I wanted to run by you.

- Court date? - Hmm?

I thought that lawsuit from the Hooters waitress was thrown out.

It was.

Oh, what? Only you and Stanley can wear ties?

- (knocks on door) - (door opens)

Arliss! I stayed all night, figuring a way to save

your friend an additional four million in taxes.

You stayed all night?

Well, where I was trained, we had a saying:

"If you can't come in on Saturday,

don't bother coming in on Sunday."

(knocks) Good morning, Arliss.

Here are your shirts, lightly starched.

Okay, okay, what's going on?

Why don't you tell us?

Are you selling AMM to CPM?

So we'll all be "O-U-T" on our "A-S-S."

CPM, their minority-hiring practices are abysmal!

They won't appreciate my skills the way you do, boss.

Okay, enough, enough, enough. Listen.

There's nothing to worry about.

Bernie, tell them.

Arliss, your magnanimous boss, is gonna give each of you a 15% raise.

That was CPM will have to pay your increased salary as part of the deal.

So nobody worry. If they wanna lay off one person,

there's no deal.

- Huh! (laughs) - That's kind of good, actually.

- Stanley: Whoo! - Arliss: You know what?

Y'all just got raises.

Stanley: People what did I say? Did I tell you he wouldn't sell us out?

(marching music plays)

There he is. Good morning.

Fabian?

(yawns)

We've been trying to sign that four-legged bastard for months.

You landed Fabian?

Oh, well, yeah.

So, what do you think he's gonna do for you?

I mean us. Hmm?

Are you kidding?

Milk-bones, chew toys, stud fees.

I see Fabian as a role-model for other dogs.

Brilliant. You are brilliant.

Well, time is money. Shall we?

Armstrong: Thank you.

Please. Let's go.

♪ ♪

(indistinct chatter)

Okay, let's make a deal.

The number on the table's 54 million.

You have too much square footage for a company this size.

We want to fold you into the Armstrong tower.

Not a chance! AMM is gonna stay under this roof.

All right, you can stay here, but only if you re-engineer your staff.

Some of your people overlap with ours.

Fine, so re-engineer your staff.

- (scoffs) - You know what? I don't think we're too far apart

On this fellas. Anybody got a pen?

Also, I want complete autonomy.

I wanna report only to CPM's board of directors.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Total autonomy is out of the question.

Now here's a contract. Are you gonna sign it or not?

- Look at this. I found a pen. - I'm not signing until we've gone over every point.

Then I guess we have nothing more to talk about.

(sighs)

Oh, I love this. I love this.

They're putting the contracts away...

A metaphor for "the deal is off the table."

Now, close the briefcases with a dramatic snap.

- (briefcases snap) - See? That...

I can't do that with my little Ghurka bag.

The little belt buckles are so quiet.

You can't do that.

Okay, enough of the theatrics.

Do we wanna make a deal or not?

Of course we do... if you're prepared to be reasonable.

Reasonable? This is Arliss Michaels, the working man's friend.

Please.

Thank you.

Now then...

Shall we continue? Hmm?

Okay, let's talk golden parachutes.

Now, redecorating allowance,

travel and entertainment expenses,

uh, air miles for me and my entire staff.

How's it going?

I can't tell.

You know, I like everything the way it is.

Starbucks right downstairs.

Long-distance phone calls. Postage meter.

Petty cash.

I'm joking. It's a joke.

Let's talk stock.

I want 500,000 shares,

options on another half a million.

Against the 54 million.

No-ho-ho. On top of.

Don't be so greedy.

Just shut up and sign.

Agreed.

Not bad.

Point 13: Auto lease.

Boy, I really love that S600 V12, don't you?

Wow, wow, wow!

(cell phone ringing)

- (beeps) - Yes?

Mm-hmm.

One moment, please.

Oh. Hello.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Ooh, interesting.

Oh, I like that better, I guess. Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

- How do you like that? We're in the jerky. - (beeps)

(men laugh)

What's that?

Oh, we've decided to buy this little jerky company...

Ultra Jerky, Circle Jerky...

It's a division of Frito-Lay,

so I'm sorry, Arliss, the deal is off.

(men laugh)

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're saying you bought a division of Frito-Lay

instead of me? Us?

Look, I wanted to buy your company,

because we needed to write off $54 million today.

That's why I put up with all this crap.

And along came Frito-Lay. (laughs)

It's a crazy business, huh?

Yeah, yeah, okay, I'll tell you what.

I won't lay off anyone,

but I will reduce the number of positions.

Stock? I don't need stock.

- Who needs stock? Stock's overrated. - (laughs)

Oh, by the way,

if you even speak to Barry Bonds again,

this space'll be a travel agency by the end of the year.

Peace, huh?

- (laughing) - Wait, wait, wait, but we had a deal!

Didn't we, Bernie?

Hey, you're the doctor.

What happened? Is the deal over?

There is no deal.

- No deal? - No deal.

- But... wait. - That's good.

54 million.

Way to go, boss!

- You did the right thing. - What made you change your mind?

Well, they wanted me to downsize, and I said, "No way!"

Nobody gets me to sell out the people who are most important.

Ahh, you!

Of course, there is the matter of those raises.

Because the merger didn't go through,

I'm afraid your salaries are gonna have to remain the same.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Actually, Arliss, since you negotiated the raises beforehand,

you're still liable to pay 'em. (laughs)

- ♪ ♪ - (Stanley laughs)

- Kirby: Ah, give it up. - What a sweetheart.

Way to go. Thanks, man.

(indistinct chatter)

(Arliss narrates) I remain firmly committed

to keeping my company independent,

and no amount of money could ever make me want to change that.

- (phone rings) - Stanley: What did I say?

♪ ♪

Arliss Michaels' office. Uh, hold on.

It's Barry Bonds on line four.

You wanna take it?

Yeah.

Barry?

Wonderful. Welcome to the AMM family.

- (laughter) - Stanley: You dirty dog, you.

Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪