Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss (narrating): Growing up, we didn't refer to athletes as role models.

We simply called them heroes.

I always tell my clients that each night,

a kid somewhere goes to bed

dreaming of growing up to be them.

Because in my opinion,

athletes are role models.

First Corinthians 9:24.

"That whoever runs the race,

"does so to obtain a perishable crown.

"But we,

(emphatic) "we...

for an imperishable crown."

This holds a very, very important lesson

for every young athlete.

He's quite a guy.

It's very inspirational.

That's why he's the most sought-after

product spokesman in America.

The only person with a higher TV "Q" rating

is Angela Lansbury.

And I don't think you want her

selling your client's steaks.

There's still a few things we need to nail down.

- Please. - Look.

If you don't want Dan Hendricks to be

the national spokesman of the Cattleman Ranchers Association...

If you don't want last year's MVP...

And Miller Lite "Man of the Year."

Which he didn't accept because he doesn't drink.

Then we'll go back to the poultry people.

(both clucking)

Goddamn you, Arliss.

Neddy!

The kids.

Dan: Always remember...

once you open the door to sin,

its desire is never over.

Grab a hand. Let's pray.

Arliss (narrating): If all my clients were like Dan Hendricks,

I'd sleep much better at night.

(sirens wailing)

- Where is he? - Oh, he... he's in the Sergeant's office.

Well, this is Mac.

We were rookies together in Atlanta.

He's a former linebacker,

so, you know, talk slow.

We were patrolling the alley behind Nipple Nudes.

Found Lucille over there with her mouth full

of America's favorite quarterback.

I'm guess she's not with Mary Kay.

(Mac laughs)

I knew Hendricks was one of yours.

My partner wanted to book him, but I thought

maybe we should run it by a superior first.

Thanks.

What the hell is he doing at Nipple Nudes?

Kirby: You'll have to ask him!

You know, I hear they got nude dancers there.

Shaved.

- You mind if I go see him? - No, go ahead, go ahead.

Shaved.

Arliss.

(exhales sharply)

I done a terrible thing.

(tutting) No, no, no!

You haven't done anything.

Nothing happened.

Okay, now, say nothing, and do exactly as I tell you,

and everything's gonna be all right, okay?

Okay. Just wait.

Uh, Mac?

You through with her?

Yeah. We're gonna let her off with a stiff warning.

- (Mac chuckles) - Kirby, come here.

Look, I want Lucille out of town.

Take my credit card, go to a spa,

get her massages, order room service.

I don't care, but don't let her out of your sight,

until I can make this blow over, got it?

You want me to babysit a hooker?

Oh, is this beneath you,

or are you worried about sullying her reputation?

Now, go. She's going. Just go!

- Uh, lady? - Uh, Mac?

You got a back door outta here?

- Something media-proof? - Might be.

How 'bout two tickets ringside to the next De La Hoya fight?

- Get your client and let's go. - Thank you.

Dan: Took a few of the linemen out for prime rib.

It was still early, and a couple of the guys

wanted to go hoist a few.

Did you have to go to a strip club?

(sighs)

I knew I wasn't in the right place!

I knew that!

I thought my flesh wasn't weak, but...

Shaved, Arliss.

I never seen shaved before.

You know?

It put me in another state.

I wish we were in another state.

Like Nevada.

So, I went out to take a leak.

Bathroom door was locked.

I went out to the alley.

Pull it out, and this...

this sultry vision just kind of, like, materialized.

And I surmise something else just kind of materialized.

I gotta take a shower.

You just took a shower!

I still feel dirty, Arliss!

Dan, look. Come on, come on.

Come on, hey!

You took a sack.

Okay?

So, what do you do?

You pick yourself up,

and get ready for the next play,

which, incidentally, happens at 10:00 AM.

Where we finalize your contract

with the Cattle Ranchers Association.

So, come on. Huddle up, huddle up!

Come on!

It's going to be your job

to get people to eat red meat!

(door opens)

Arliss: Rita!

What is so important

that you get me up at this ungodly hour?

Katie Couric doesn't get up this early.

No, you look great.

Look, I need you to call Bob Arum.

Get me two tickets to the De La Hoya fight, ringside,

in the hands of Officer Mac Paulson,

Hollywood Division, by noon tomorrow.

Ooh! Greasing cops with ducats!

This can't be good. What happened?

Nothing happened!

DUI?

- Concealment of a weapon? - Nothing happened.

Was it, uh, Albert? Dennis!

- Now, look, nothing... - Arliss?

Dan, just give me one second, okay?

No!

Arliss, I have to cleanse my soul.

Okay, the only way to do that is to confess my sins.

Dan...

there is nothing to confess.

Because nothing happened.

Set up a press conference.

Dan, if you go public with this,

do you have any idea what the repercussions are going to be?

You will lose the milk contract.

- You will lose the Carl's Jr. contract. - (phone rings)

- You will lose the Wheaties contract. - (Rita speaks indistinctly)

You will lose the Nike contract.

Well, maybe not the Nike contract.

Arliss, the only contract I care about violating

is my covenant with God.

(cell phone rings)

- That's your cousin! - My cousin?

Your cousin, Al!

- Al?! - I tried to cover.

I told him all the office phones were down.

Al! How's my favorite older cousin?

You in a little early this morning, huh, cuz?

Well, it's Monday morning.

Gotta get an early jump on the week.

What's new with you?

Uh, I've been better.

So, Dan, what didn't happen?

I miss ya, I miss ya. We gotta get together soon.

Hey Arliss, let me ask you a question.

Is, uh, is Dan Hendricks out on the coast?

- Rita: Just tell me what happened? - Why?

He's playing in next Monday night's game,

and I got a call from a source

who saw your client

leaving a Hollywood police station

at 4:00 this morning.

That is ludicrous!

That is absolutely...

If there's anything I can do to help,

just call me. Call me, Dan.

There's not an ounce of truth to it!

I happen to know for a fact

that he was out last night with a couple of friends.

Look, Al, I... I got a terrible connection!

You're breaking up. Best to Linda. Bye!

(sighs)

(exhales deeply)

Dan: Arliss... I have to go public.

I don't want my wife hearing about this on the news,

or reading about it in some supermarket tabloid.

She's gonna be on the ground in half an hour.

Okay, okay, okay.

If you feel this urge to confess...

then do it.

But just your wife, okay?

Think of it as a scrimmage.

We'll do that first,

and then we'll make adjustments.

Okay, fine.

I'll have Rita pick her up at the airport.

- Rita! - Uh, yes?

(indistinct chatter)

Lucille: Must have been some big mucky-muck

for you to want to rush me out of town like this.

Kirby: Can't say.

It was dark. I was high.

Is it some actor? Politician?

How's the bed?

I was just wondering if you thought it was a good mattress.

You know, I thought you might be...

pretty good at knowing these things.

Not really.

My clients aren't the Charlie Sheens of the world.

Well, you know, you should aim a little higher.

Shoot for a little better clientèle.

Water seeks its own level, I guess.

No, really. You're not bad looking.

Aren't you sweet.

Tibby! How are you?

God! I can't believe it. Look. Miss America.

Five-hour flight, fresh as a flower.

(laughing) Hello, Arliss!

How are you?

Dan.

Here's a shirt for him.

Tell me what happened.

Okay, come here.

Nothing happened!

Kenny went two for four.

- Aw! - Our oldest made All-Stars.

(chuckling)

Wait, wait. Hold that pose!

Rita, take a note. Call Kingworld.

I want these two having a morning talk show.

(Arliss chuckles)

Tibby: Honey, you're all wet.

How come you're showering here?

Because I'm dirty, honey.

I don't understand.

Uh, Rita? Close the door.

With you on the other side.

What's going on?

What's wrong?

Oh, don't look at me. This is your idea.

(phone rings)

(continues ringing)

(sighs)

Arliss Michaels Management.

Yeah, hi. Is Arliss there?

- It's his cousin Al calling. - Oh, hi, Al!

No, he's in a meeting. Is there anything I can help you with?

Uh, yeah, Rita, uh, listen.

I've got a little bit more on Hendricks.

I heard he was taking in a little

brass pole humping last night

at a place called Nipple Nudes.

Nipple Nudes? Is that so?

You know, I find that quite hard to believe,

because I saw Dan and his wife this morning,

and... (sighs)

everything seemed to be peachy between them.

You paid money...

to commit a sex act?

Remorse...

is not a strong enough word

to express what I'm feeling right now, Tibby.

You know, the power of an apology is a beautiful thing.

This is so moving. I, for one, have learned a very valuable...

Shut. Up. Arliss.

Dan, get your hand off me.

Wait, where you going?

I need to pray.

Well, I'll go pray with ya!

You so much as darken the doorway of the Lord's house,

and I will scream from the top of my lungs

that you lay down with whores.

Still want to call a press conference?

-Coffee, anyone? Pellegrino? -(disgusted sigh)

I know what happened. I know, I know!

Don't let her talk to anyone! Understand?

Anyone!

Hey, Dan! Look!

It's the meat guys!

(chuckles)

Hey, Kirby!

Warren Moon. Hey! How you doin'?

I'm great. You catching some rays?

Catching some rays.

Checking out the talent.

Man, there's a piece of tail over here

I've been checking out all morning.

Hey, that's my wife.

We're here for our anniversary.

Happy Anniversary!

Well, thanks. Who you here with?

Nobody.

Taking in the solitude.

Clears out the ol' gray matter.

Lucille: Hey, Kirby!

You want anything to eat? I'm ordering.

Nothing.

She's with the spa.

Marengo Indian.

Solitude expert!

Press 0-6.

Whatever. I'll see you around.

Two years. $1.5 million.

That's print ads and a national TV commercial.

I was thinking of a picture of Dan

with a giant hunk of chewed meat in his mouth.

Big ol' cut!

Make people forget that

pussy milk campaign thing you do

for the fairy-dairy boys.

Stanley: I thought we agreed on a $1,000 donation

to United Christian Athletes

for every touchdown pass he throws.

That's still subject to discussion.

There seems to be a zero missing.

I think $100 per touchdown's very fair

considering all the money we're paying him.

(Dan groans)

Clay! Clay. Come here, come here.

Let me explain to you this charity business.

This is something that's not going into my client's pocket.

This is a charity he really feels strongly about.

And come on, let's face facts.

If he has a good year, he throws 25 touchdown passes.

That's $25,000.

You guys make that much in Sizzler in a week.

Well, if it's no big deal,

why don't you match our $1,000?

- Me? - Well, you do it, and we'll do it.

Yeah, okay, sure! Yeah! Okay!

Okay, you know, but I'm thinking,

maybe $1,000 is a little excessive.

- I like $500 better. - See, I was thinking $250.

It might encourage others to help match us.

$200 still, you know.

Kirby: Uh, the food's here!

- You, uh, decent? - That depends.

Be a prince and pour me some champagne.

These jets can get a girl aroused.

(bottle pops)

Thanks. Care to join me?

Oh, no.

Champagne gives me a headache.

I wasn't talking about a drink.

(whispering) Give us this day, our daily bread.

(normal voice) I can't believe he did this.

You know, compared to the rest of our clients,

your husband is a saint.

Saints do not commit adultery.

Wasn't it said, "To err is human,

to forgive, divine."

I can forgive.

I don't know if I can forget.

From now on, there will always be an element of doubt.

For me with men, there's never a doubt.

Rita?

Is it true that a man's entire body

is often just an appendage to his penis?

Tibby: I mean...

- (glass shatters) - is that the only thing they think with?

Love isn't something you just plunge into.

It's not something you just reach out blindly.

It's a climactic moment.

Something to hold on to.

(phone ringing)

$75 dollars is a fine...

$50! $50 would be even better, you know.

(phone beeps off)

(groans)

Um, except for how much is donated?

For each touchdown pass,

at a number to be named later,

we have an agreement?

(chuckling)

(laughter continues)

And we'll add the customary morals clause.

I beg your pardon?

The morals clause.

(sputtering)

What are you talking about?!

Morals clause!

This is Dan Hendricks we're talking about here.

It's standard. You know that.

Dan Hendricks lives by a higher standard.

Have you no shame?

Asking Dan Hendricks for a morals clause

(stammering) it's immoral!

Arliss. Over-reacting.

No! I can't sign it!

What?!

This is wrong, Arliss.

It's wrong.

Of course it's wrong! You see?

Okay.

- You see?! - Okay!

Okay, forget the damn clause.

You see? You see?

You were magnificent!

Oh, great job! That closed the deal.

Two thumbs up!

Arliss, there is no deal.

I have got to repent.

And there is nothing you can say

that will make me change my mind.

Arliss!

Nothing.

(phone rings)

(sighs deeply)

What?

Arliss! Fuck!

Kirby, what's wrong?

She's a she-man!

You interrupted a meeting to tell me this?

She's a she-man!

Wait.

You mean, she-hyphen-man?

Not she-comma-man?

No, she-hyphen-man.

She's a bone smuggler!

Are you sure?

(whispers) I felt it.

Well, if you paid for the privilege,

I better not see this on your expense account.

We... we were in the jacuzzi.

I tripped and fell!

You know, tried to grab on to something.

Kirby (cont'd): Arliss, I need to take a shower.

Boss, you gotta get me outta here.

Boss, do you hear me?!

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Everything's gonna be fine, Kirby.

Everything will be fine.

You can go, you can go.

Thanks!

- Dan... - Arliss!

I have got to lift this weight

off my shoulders.

Well get ready to have somebody spot you,

because your hooker has a dick.

What?

It seems the woman

you were with wasn't a woman.

It was a man, or half a man.

It was a homo?

Technically, a transvestite.

Although, I don't think the Moral Majority

makes such distinctions to them.

Either way, your lifestyle is officially deviant.

We better prepare a statement.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, Arliss, um...

You know, my teammates...

If my teammates find out about this,

you know the crap I'll get?

You know, the jokes

every time I put my hands under center?

A few of them are coming to mind

right now as we speak.

No one will want to take a shower with me!

- I'll be a piranha. - A pariah.

But you can't forget about your soul.

You know, Arliss, the Bible's full of prostitutes, right?

I mean, even Jesus had his feet washed by Mary Magdalene.

But the Bible doesn't say anything about...

About she-men.

You know? No...

We gotta keep this quiet.

Yeah.

(glasses clink)

Clay: All right.

Arliss: Was it worth the wait?

Oh, yeah. Listen,

I'm gonna buy everybody a hat.

(laughter)

Ned: Well, sir, we did it.

Thank you. Thank you.

Clay: Thank you.

Dan: Oh, honey, I was getting worried.

I need to talk to you.

Alone.

Sure. Come on in.

Here you go, Tib.

- Have a seat. - Thank you.

Tibby.

Little Tibby.

How you doin'? Okay?

How familiar are you with Genesis?

Which album?

The Book of Genesis, Arliss.

Chapter Nine, Verse 21, to be exact.

Yeah. Yeah, I know that.

I think that's one with the Jews, right?

After Noah's ark hit land,

he got drunk on fermented grapes and passed out.

His grandson found him naked

and brought in his brothers to witness.

I walked in on my father one time,

but, um...

we... we probably shouldn't go there.

When he found out,

Noah cursed his grandson.

He didn't want to have looked foolish.

The moral being,

"Never bring another person's sins to light."

Bless you, Tibby.

Unless it serves a purpose.

Meaning?

Meaning...

I am going to stay with Dan,

and shed no light on my husband's sin.

Bless you, Tibby.

For now.

Now...

Dan says this is the first time

that he has ever strayed.

I don't know that.

And neither do you.

But his contract is up at the end of this season,

and, um, I imagine

some team will give him a lot of money

for his services.

Troy Aikman got $50 million.

I can get Dan 60.

At which time, I will re-evaluate Dan's behavior.

Either way,

50% of a $60 million deal,

would be highly beneficial for my family.

Listen, do you want a job here?

Oh, and there's another thing.

There always is.

Whatever the ranchers are funding

for every touchdown Dan throws,

I would like the same amount of money

placed in a trust fund for our children.

Yes, charity should begin at home.

(sighs)

Bless you, Arliss.

I love red meat.

My family loves red meat.

And I love cooking red meat.

(applause)

Arliss.

Alan, how are you? Is Linda here?

Listen, I'm preparing for next week's game.

I have to know the truth.

Alan, you're chasing a ghost.

Nothing happened.

Arliss, listen. I...

I have to know exactly what happened,

or I'm going to report the story I've heard.

It's as simple as that.

Kirby: What's the problem, Al?

We were with him!

You were with Dan Hendricks?

We were.

Kirby: You know, we told a few jokes.

We had a few laughs.

Got something to eat.

You'll swear to that?

I'll swear on a stack of Bibles.

What'd I tell ya?

All right.

What can I say?

Good to see you, Al.

Give me love to Steve and Jenny!

"Something to eat"?

And I am pleased to announce

that for every touchdown Danny throws,

the Cattle Ranchers will donate

$5,000 to charity.

(applause)

And as agent,

Arliss Michaels has agreed to match it.

(applause)

Happy now?

Arliss (narrating): Sometimes I harken back to a simpler era,

when tiny off-the-field transgressions

were kept out of the newspapers.

So that young people could go to bed at night,

and still have their heroes.

Maybe I have a higher code of ethics.

That's just the way I am.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪♪