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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,003
* Men.
2
00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,872
Yes, Judith, I did deduct $30
3
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:07,508
from your child support
check this month.
4
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:11,512
Because I paid
for Jake's haircut.
5
00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:13,013
Yes, it is usually nine dollars,
6
00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:15,349
but he wanted to go someplace
without hobbyhorses.
7
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:20,020
I know he's never gonna win
any beauty contests,
8
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,390
but he is our son.
9
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:25,025
Look, I've got a patient.
I got to go.
10
00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:27,828
Sorry you had to hear that.
11
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,831
That's, uh, that's my ex-wife.
12
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,268
Bee-yatch.
13
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,308
Hello, Mrs. Honeycutt.
I'm Dr. Harper.
14
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,709
Doctor.
15
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,912
Okay, so you are having
spasms in your lower back?
16
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:46,414
Yeah, it's awful.
17
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,416
Some days I can't
even get out of bed.
18
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:49,650
Oh, I know how that is.
19
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,519
You have back problems, too?
20
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,021
No.
21
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,723
Anyway, why don't
you lie face down,
22
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:57,825
and we'll see if we
can locate the problem.
23
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:58,992
I've tried everything.
24
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,894
Acupuncture,
25
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,730
yoga, shiatsu.
26
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,265
Nothing seems to work.
27
00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:05,633
Not surprised.
28
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:08,502
Those Eastern practices
are mostly hooey.
29
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,037
Modern chiropractic,
on the other hand,
30
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:12,840
is built on over 50 years
of solid science.
31
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:17,811
Okay, let's take a look
at what we've got here.
32
00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,880
Okay, now is this
too much pressure?
33
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:21,882
No.
34
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:22,950
Okay, how about this?
35
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,418
No.
36
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:26,820
Okay, now is this
where the spasms occur?
37
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:27,988
A little lower.
38
00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:29,056
Okay.
39
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,090
Here?
40
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:31,259
(moans) Lower.
41
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:32,360
Here?
42
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,461
(loud moan)
43
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:34,795
Am I hurting you?
44
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:37,097
No! God, no!
45
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:38,699
(erotic moaning)
46
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:42,069
Nobody's touched me like this
since my husband died.
47
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:44,672
Oh, um, I'm so sorry.
48
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,374
Um, how long has
it been since...?
49
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,442
(loud moan)
That long, huh?
50
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,844
(loud moaning)
51
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:54,248
Oh, my, it's, uh, pretty...
pretty sensitive here.
52
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,349
Harder!
53
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:58,519
Oh, okay, no problem. Um...
54
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,489
So, just out of curiosity,
how did you find me?
55
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,657
Uh, referral?
Uh, my Web site?
56
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,559
Or the fliers
on the counter
57
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,461
of the Mongolian barbecue
across the street?
58
00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:08,996
Shut up and rub!
59
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:11,832
Uh, I'm not technically rubbing.
60
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,734
(loud moaning)
ALAN: Whoa!
Whoa, Nellie. Whoa!
61
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,136
MRS. HONEYCUTT:
Don't stop!
I'm not stopping.
62
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,271
Oh, spank me!
63
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,307
ALAN:
I'm-I'm sorry?
64
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,675
MRS. HONEYCUTT:
Spank my lonely ass!
65
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:24,111
ALAN:
What?!
Do it, bitch!
66
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,914
(slap)
Yes, Doctor, harder!
67
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:27,881
(loud slap)
Yes!
68
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:33,086
(slapping continues)
Oh, God, yes!
69
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,888
(slapping stops)
70
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:51,672
Okay, let's take a look
at the schedule.
71
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:55,175
See what the, uh, rest of
the afternoon looks like.
72
00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,044
Oh, that's not too bad.
73
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,081
So, how are you liking
your first day at work here?
74
00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:02,916
(door opening)
75
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,753
Thank you, Dr. Harper.
76
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,788
Uh, you are most welcome.
77
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:11,625
A-And remember, alternating
an ice pack with a heating pad
78
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,494
is, uh, very helpful
for spasming.
79
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:15,396
I'd like to make
another appointment.
80
00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:16,730
Oh, sure, sure. Uh...
81
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:19,066
What were you thinking?
Maybe next week, or...?
82
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:20,301
Tonight.
83
00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:21,402
Uh, tonight?
84
00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:23,737
Oh, oh, gloriosky.
85
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:27,441
Uh, uh... well, we, uh...
we close up at 5:00, so...
86
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,610
So I can expect you
at my place at 9:00.
87
00:03:29,677 --> 00:03:33,080
Oh, gee. Uh, I-I don't
do house calls.
88
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,284
Per se.
89
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,885
See you at 9:00.
90
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:43,023
(door opens and closes)
91
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,529
Uh, some patients pay in cash.
92
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:53,166
Uh, uh, their insurance, uh,
won't cover chiropractic.
93
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:57,338
Uh, part of our ongoing
health care crisis.
94
00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:58,972
Tragic, really.
95
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:04,912
Uh, by the way, you are doing
one heck of a job.
96
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,516
In fact, here's a little
something for you.
97
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,019
Just 'cause your smile
lights up the place.
98
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,723
You know what?
Let's sweeten the pot.
99
00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:18,826
Um, can you give me ten back?
100
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,662
Not a problem.
101
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,897
Can't put a price on a smile.
102
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:28,201
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
103
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,572
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
104
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:34,708
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
105
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,810
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
106
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,212
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
107
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,516
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
108
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:47,087
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
109
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,663
* Men.
110
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,030
I like the new look.
111
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:57,865
Thanks.
112
00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,667
It's fashion forward.
113
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:00,734
What does that mean?
114
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,135
I don't know.
115
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,004
It's what the guy
who cut my hair said.
116
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,507
He also said
it was "fun and fabulous."
117
00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:07,708
Really?
118
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:09,843
Yeah, and he invited Dad
to a party.
119
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:14,482
I didn't go.
120
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,183
It's just nice to be asked.
121
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:20,788
So, why'd you decide to abandon
your classic cereal bowl coif?
122
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,723
What's a "coif"?
123
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,525
You can't glean it
from the context?
124
00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:26,159
What's "glean"?
125
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,596
Why'd you change
your freakin' hair?
126
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,263
My new girlfriend
wanted me to.
127
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,799
If your new girlfriend
wanted you
128
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,501
to jump off a bridge,
would you do that?
129
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:37,004
If she put her tongue in my
mouth when she asked me, yeah.
130
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,306
Well, I can't blame you.
131
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:41,509
I once bought a woman a car
for the same reason.
132
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,143
She put her tongue
in your mouth?
133
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,448
Sure, let's say mouth.
134
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,017
Can we get
the check, please?
135
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,453
Hey, why don't you let
me get this one?
136
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,822
Really? You're not going
to go for the world record?
137
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:55,823
What are you talking about?
138
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,826
1,647 meals in a row
139
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,261
where you haven't taken out
your stupid Velcro wallet.
140
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,630
You were counting?
141
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:03,664
Am I close?
142
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:07,635
Nevertheless, I'm paying.
143
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:08,536
(sniffs)
144
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:09,903
You smell that, Jake?
145
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,839
The air coming out
of your father's wallet
146
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,274
has been in there since
before you were born.
147
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,643
Very funny.
148
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,310
Thank you.
149
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,612
Wait, wait, wait.
150
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,581
Nobody is going to believe this.
151
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,450
For God's sake.
152
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,425
Hey, isn't that
Chelsea's friend, Gail?
153
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,927
CHARLIE:
Oh, yeah.
154
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,829
I wonder if I should
say hello.
155
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:36,997
I wouldn't mind
saying hello.
156
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,768
Finish paying the
check, you weasel.
157
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,770
Hey, Dad, as long as you
got your wallet out,
158
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,438
I could use
some new sneaks.
159
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,706
Hmm. Oh...
160
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,207
Sure.
161
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,910
Are you dying?
162
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:53,747
Charlie.
163
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,449
Oh, hi, Gail.
164
00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:57,785
Great to see you.
165
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,952
How've you been?
166
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,654
Pretty good. You?
167
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,723
Well, you know...
168
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:05,358
Yeah, I'm sorry to hear
about you and Chelsea.
169
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,460
The way it goes.
170
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:07,961
Win some, lose some.
171
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,030
Start having liquor delivered
straight to your house--
172
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,765
you don't have
to put on pants.
173
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:14,434
Well, if it's any consolation,
I know how you feel.
174
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,804
I'm still not over
my breakup.
175
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,239
But I'm not much
of a drinker, so...
176
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,841
Cheers.
177
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:24,678
Have you, uh...
have you seen Chelsea?
178
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,213
Yeah, actually I had
dinner with her, and...
179
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,882
We had dinner
just the other night.
180
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,183
Her and Brad?
181
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,786
Yeah, come to think
of it, he was there.
182
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,454
Looks like they're
an item now.
183
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:35,723
I guess.
184
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:36,857
You guess?
185
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,826
What do you want
from me, Charlie?
186
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,227
They're in Mexico
for the weekend.
187
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,029
Mexico. Nice.
188
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,597
I went there with
her once.
189
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:44,698
I'm sorry.
190
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:45,499
No, no, no, no, it's fine.
191
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:46,934
We had a great time.
192
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,302
In fact, when we got
back, I bought her a car.
193
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,773
Yeah, she told me.
194
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,842
Ooh...
195
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:57,845
Listen, I got to go, but...
196
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,680
if you ever want to talk.
197
00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,348
Oh, thank you.
198
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,116
Bye.
Bye-bye.
199
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:06,687
For the last time, I am not
dying and I'm not sick.
200
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:08,321
Everything's fine.
201
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:09,623
Okay, I got it.
202
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,425
But you can understand
my skepticism, right?
203
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:17,698
* Men.
204
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,802
I really don't see why
I shouldn't ask her out.
205
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:24,071
Seriously? The woman is
Chelsea's best friend.
206
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,673
So?
207
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:28,308
She's single, I'm single.
She's lonely, I'm lonely.
208
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:31,044
She's gorgeous,
I'm well above average.
209
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,346
I'm just saying it's a bad idea.
210
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:35,482
I never said
it wasn't a bad idea.
211
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:38,218
I said I don't know why
I shouldn't do it.
212
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,021
What's that?
213
00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:42,656
That's a portable massage table.
214
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:45,425
So, what, you're givin'
rub-and-tugs on the pier now?
215
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:47,127
No.
216
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:48,862
No, I am a licensed
professional,
217
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,964
and-and I will not stand here
218
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,567
and be accused
of unethical behavior.
219
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,903
I mean, just because you have
no moral compass
220
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,437
doesn't mean I don't.
221
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,740
And while, yes,
that's a triple negative,
222
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,141
it nevertheless defines me
223
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,977
as the man for whom
I am aiming to be!
224
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,680
What the hell
are you talking about?
225
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:09,349
I am just trying
to augment my income
226
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:11,719
by seeing clients
in their homes,
227
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:15,288
thus alleviating them of the
added stress of commuting,
228
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,825
not to mention speed bumps
and potholes, of which,
229
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,960
as you know,
can jostle the spine!
230
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:28,035
Wow, guy picks up one $30 check
and he has a brain aneurysm.
231
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,873
* Men.
232
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:36,076
(phone rings)
233
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:37,277
(TV broadcast stops)
234
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,180
Yeah?
235
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,415
Chelsea?
236
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,217
Hey! How are ya?
237
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:47,554
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa,
slow down, slow down.
238
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:50,090
Why are you crying?
239
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:51,759
Wait a minute.
240
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,628
You're in Mexico?
241
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:57,698
Why on Earth are you in Mexico?
242
00:09:57,765 --> 00:10:02,169
Oh, sure, Brad.
243
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:07,474
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry
it's not working out.
244
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,843
Well, I love you
and I miss you, too.
245
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,945
When are you gonna be back?
246
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:15,048
Okay, okay,
I'll-I'll see you tomorrow.
247
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,616
I... can't wait.
248
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,686
All right, bye-bye, sweetie.
249
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:23,390
(chuckles ruefully)
250
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,793
I hope that smile's
for me.
251
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:33,166
Uh, who else
would it be for?
252
00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:37,037
* Men.
253
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,809
* Men.
254
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,377
You ready for round two?
255
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:48,015
Well, um...
yes and no.
256
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,217
Something wrong?
257
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,985
Yeah.
258
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,721
While you were in
the bathroom,
259
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,355
uh, Chelsea called.
260
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,157
Really?
261
00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:00,327
Apparently, things didn't
go well in Mexico,
262
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,695
and she's coming home.
263
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,296
Well, that's a shame.
264
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,832
Yeah.
265
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,234
Anyway, she wants
to see me.
266
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,669
Said she loves me
and misses me.
267
00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:13,406
So, one call and you're just
gonna go running back?
268
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:16,276
Um, yeah.
269
00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:22,750
Well... this is awkward.
270
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,385
Come on. You know how
I feel about her.
271
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,020
I do.
272
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:30,858
So, we should probably keep
what happened tonight
273
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,392
just between us, right?
274
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,327
Mum's the word?
275
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,562
Zip the lip?
276
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,298
Ixnay on the oggie day
aisle stay?
277
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,201
Of course.
278
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:46,774
You know,
we could just pretend
279
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,276
that you didn't get
the phone call
280
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,711
for, like, another hour.
281
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,814
We could, couldn't we?
282
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:59,352
But wouldn't that
be... wrong?
283
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:02,222
I won't tell
if you don't.
284
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:05,192
Uh, I'm sorry, Gail.
285
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,460
I can't, I can't
justify it to myself.
286
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,196
Okay.
287
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,199
Well, can I at least kiss
you good night?
288
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:13,266
Sure.
289
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:23,877
On the other hand,
290
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:26,313
there's no arguing
with a boner.
291
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,351
* Men.
292
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,719
Let's see.
293
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,421
When Gail came over,
294
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:38,391
it was 11:00 here
and midnight in Cabo.
295
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,827
When Chelsea called,
296
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:42,796
it was midnight here
and 1:00 in Cabo.
297
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:45,665
So when I did Gail at 12:10,
298
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:49,069
Chelsea technically
hadn't called yet.
299
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,440
Not my best work,
but I can live with it.
300
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:57,410
Hey.
301
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,212
Hey.
302
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:07,420
Tough night, Bunky?
303
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,522
I'm a whore, Charlie.
304
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,124
Don't be so hard on yourself.
305
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,526
Jake needed a haircut,
and you had no money.
306
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,595
What? No, no!
307
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:19,232
I took money
to give a woman pleasure.
308
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,667
Wait a minute.
309
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,871
You... gave a woman pleasure?
310
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,940
Oh, you have no idea what
powerful orgasms
311
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:29,276
these hands are capable
of delivering.
312
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:30,844
No, no, no.
I've always known that.
313
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,279
I just find it hard to believe
314
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,147
they could give them
to other people.
315
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:40,820
Yeah, well, maybe this'll
convince you.
316
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,124
A woman gave you this?
317
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,159
Uh-huh, right before she told me
318
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,062
she was done with me and I could
show myself out.
319
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,864
Sounds like a dream date to me.
320
00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,399
So what's the problem?
321
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,034
How do I live with myself?
322
00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:55,735
How did you live with yourself
before?
323
00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:58,138
By thinking I was better
than you.
324
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:01,074
Now after all these years, I've
finally descended to your level.
325
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:02,609
Oh, no-no-no, no, no.
326
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,878
I may have done some
questionable things in my life,
327
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:07,047
but I have never taken money
for it.
328
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,317
That's not to say
it wasn't offered.
329
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:13,120
Deservedly so.
330
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,621
Fine, I'm worse than you.
331
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,057
That's all I'm saying.
332
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:18,926
Well, I am going
to take a shower
333
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,493
and try to wash
the cheapness off me.
334
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,463
Better take some steel wool
and a cheese grater.
335
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,633
Hey, Alan.
336
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:29,169
Oh, Gail...
337
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,504
Hi.
338
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:34,007
Don't judge me, Pretty Woman.
339
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,811
Charlie, I better
get going.
340
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:39,913
Right, right.
341
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,814
So, uh, you and I are okay?
342
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,850
Yeah. I'm just sorry
it has to end.
343
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:45,018
Yeah, me, too.
344
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,253
Chelsea's a lucky girl.
345
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,121
You think so?
You should tell her.
346
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,689
I mean, don't tell her.
347
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:51,391
Bye.
348
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,360
Bye-bye.
349
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:57,797
Thank you, Charlie.
350
00:14:57,864 --> 00:14:59,366
For what?
(door closes)
351
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:02,335
Proving once again that
I am better than you.
352
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,605
Hey, hey, I'm just a rascal!
353
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:08,375
You are a male prostitute!
354
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:14,247
That is a terribly hurtful thing
to say.
355
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,156
* Men.
356
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,425
So there we are in this
beautiful hotel room
357
00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:26,693
overlooking the ocean,
358
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,928
and he's on the phone
with his mother trying
359
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:30,897
to help her download music
to her iPod.
360
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:31,931
You're kidding!
361
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,733
And I just sat there thinking,
362
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:34,901
"Charlie would never do this.
363
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:37,037
Charlie hates his mother
with a blind passion!"
364
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:40,540
Remember when you used to think
that was a bad thing?
365
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,043
And when Brad's not on the phone
with his mother,
366
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,912
he's telling me how much
I remind him of his mother.
367
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,880
I hope not while
you were in bed,
368
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,583
'cause that would reflect badly
on everybody.
369
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,119
You don't wanna know.
370
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,686
There's nothing to know.
371
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:55,322
You went to Mexico
with another man,
372
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,789
he talked about his mother
in bed,
373
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,358
and you didn't have sex
with him.
374
00:15:58,425 --> 00:15:59,826
Charlie...
375
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,029
Nope! That's what happened.
End of story.
376
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,330
(laughs)
377
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:06,433
I should never have let you go.
378
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:09,869
Well, sometimes you can't
appreciate what you've got
379
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:13,706
until you go to Mexico and don't
have sex with a mama's boy.
380
00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,276
I'm sorry about Brad.
381
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:17,944
I know that hurt you.
382
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:19,946
Ah, it's water under the bridge.
383
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,049
What you did, what I did,
doesn't matter.
384
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,050
What did you do?
385
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,851
Doesn't matter.
386
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:27,020
Charlie, no secrets.
387
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:28,855
Please, can't I just have one?
388
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,690
Whatever it is,
it doesn't matter.
389
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,092
We were separated.
390
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,096
All right, here goes.
391
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,965
I was having pizza with Alan
and Jake the other day.
392
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:40,533
By the way,
Jake got a new haircut.
393
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,601
It's just fabulous.
394
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:47,307
Okay, well, you'll never guess
who was there getting takeout.
395
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,277
Your old buddy Gail.
396
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,645
Oh, my God, you didn't.
397
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:55,515
I didn't say I did,
but good guess.
398
00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:58,885
I don't believe you!
399
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,620
What?! We were separated.
400
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:01,688
You were in Mexico
with another man.
401
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,456
But she's my best friend!
402
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:06,559
Yeah, well, I'd have to say
the jury's still out on that.
403
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,561
You are such a pig!
404
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:11,431
A-A-A pig who hates his mother.
405
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:12,699
Go to hell!
406
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:15,168
Oh, come on!
407
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:16,736
It was 1:00 in Cabo!
408
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,271
* Men.
409
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:22,142
Oh! Lower.
410
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,843
How about here?
411
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:27,547
(low, loud moaning)
Oh, yeah...
412
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:30,783
that's how
Mommy likes it.
413
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,051
Okay, you know what?
414
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,686
I'm sorry.
I-I can't do this.
415
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,188
What's wrong?
416
00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:36,589
I am a professional.
417
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,225
I studied chiropractic
418
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,959
for three years
in Guadalajara.
419
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:42,762
And that was with almost no
Spanish language skills
420
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,798
and a family of parasites
living in my colon.
421
00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,667
And I did not go through
all of that
422
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,970
to become some sort
of G-spot Johnny.
423
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:53,039
Is that what you think you are?
424
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,942
Well, you're giving me money,
and I'm giving you...
425
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,777
what I'm giving you.
426
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,246
It just, it makes me feel cheap.
427
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,414
So it's too much
like a business transaction.
428
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,582
Exactly.
429
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,417
Well, how about
we forget the money,
430
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:07,320
and I'll show you something
I learned in Guadalajara?
431
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,956
What?
432
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:16,429
ALAN:
* Ai, yi, yi, yi!
433
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:20,567
* Canta y no llores...
434
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,101
* Men.
435
00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,102
(doorbell rings)
436
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:29,509
Oh, hey, hi.
437
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:30,810
I'm sorry.
438
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:31,911
I overreacted.
439
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:34,247
Yeah, you kinda did.
440
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,783
You're both single,
you're both adults,
441
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,451
and you and I were separated.
442
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:42,789
Plus you were honest with me, so
I'm willing to put it behind us.
443
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,225
Oh, thank you. Thank you!
444
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,226
I love you so much.
445
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:47,660
I love you, too.
446
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:50,297
Why don't I take you out
447
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:53,400
for a nice lunch
and we'll catch up?
448
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,667
You wanna go out?
449
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:55,802
I'm a little hungry.
450
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:56,936
Aren't you a little hungry?
451
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,839
Gail's upstairs, isn't she?
452
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:04,411
Once again, we were separated
and I was vulnerable!
453
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,146
Just so we're on the same page,
454
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:11,083
are we still together or am I
allowed to go back upstairs?!
455
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,221
Oh, damn!
456
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,893
(sighs)
457
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,397
Oh, how much madder
could she get?
458
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,132
* Men.
459
00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:32,171
with the back spasms.
460
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:33,773
Thank you, Doctor.
I'll see you on Wednesday.
461
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:34,841
Looking forward to it.
462
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,276
Uh, and Mrs. Honeycutt?
Yes?
463
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,910
(lowers voice): Uh, if
it's okay with you,
464
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,012
I think I'd like to go back
to our original arrangement.
465
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,081
But you said
it made you feel cheap.
466
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:45,017
What can I say?
Turns out I am cheap.
467
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:47,086
Your call. Bye-bye.
468
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:48,755
Bye.
469
00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:59,766
Have I told you lately that you
are doin' a great job?
470
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,200
(chuckling nervously)
471
00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:03,236
'Cause you are doin'
a great job!
472
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:04,737
(chuckling nervously)
473
00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:09,208
In fact, I am going to make you
employee of the month.
474
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:12,912
I want an adjustment.
475
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,583
Uh, I'm sorry.
476
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,184
Are-Are you having
back problems?
477
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:21,588
No, I want an adjustment
like you give her.
478
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:28,227
Oh, gee, I-I don't think
that would be appropriate.
479
00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:32,699
All right, then I want a raise
and dental insurance.
480
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:35,835
Hop on the table.
481
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:51,551
* Men.
32745
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