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1
00:00:01,569 --> 00:00:04,072
* Men...
2
00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:05,673
I'm gonna hate this movie.
3
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:07,275
How can you be so sure?
4
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,943
It's got subtitles.
5
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,046
The only good subtitles
are for Nazis,
6
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:15,083
Colombian drug lords,
and space aliens.
7
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,085
Oh, and Kung Fu.
8
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:20,020
Excuse me, but NPR called
Hiroshima la Poubelle
9
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,123
an "enchanting journey
of self-discovery."
10
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,791
Well, they're not
gonna call it
11
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:28,096
a "two-hour French snooze-fest
for pompous douche-buckets."
12
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,797
Hey, you agreed that
if I paid for the tickets,
13
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,199
we could see what
I want to see.
14
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,101
That's because I
didn't actually think
15
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,502
you could scrape
together 18 bucks
16
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,104
without stopping
at a blood bank.
17
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:37,871
Well, it is
a small price to pay
18
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,373
to finally get you
out of the house.
19
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:40,974
It's been three weeks since
you and Chelsea broke up,
20
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,276
and you need to move on.
21
00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:43,877
Says the guy who still
carries around
22
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:45,246
a naked picture
of his ex-wife.
23
00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:46,547
Hey, I bought those boobs.
24
00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:49,016
I have a right to look
at them once in a while.
25
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,922
Damn. I don't
believe it.
26
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:55,789
What?
27
00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:56,824
She's here.
28
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,159
My ex-wife?
29
00:00:58,226 --> 00:01:00,694
No! It's Chelsea.
30
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,196
She's with that Brad guy.
31
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,697
So wh-what do we do?
32
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:04,865
Do we say hello?
33
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,767
No. We get the hell
out of here.
34
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,369
CHELSEA:
Charlie?
35
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,703
Hey.
36
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:10,771
Look who's here.
37
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:11,972
Alan, Chelsea's here.
38
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:13,741
Oh, hey, Chelsea.
39
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:14,708
Hi, Alan.
40
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:15,976
You guys
remember Brad.
41
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:17,411
How's it going?
42
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:18,612
Good. Great.
43
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,114
Looking forward
to the movie.
44
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,582
I'm surprised
to see you here.
45
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:23,851
This doesn't strike me
as your cup of tea.
46
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,120
Are you kidding?
NPR called it
47
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,256
an "enchanting journey
of self-discovery."
48
00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,724
You know I live
for that crap.
49
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:31,959
Right.
50
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:33,794
Okay, well, it was
good seeing you.
51
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,629
You, too.
52
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,932
Wow.
53
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:41,335
That was awkward.
54
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:43,204
Tell me about it.
55
00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,838
Had to be tough for you.
56
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,907
Your ex-fianceé
out with another guy?
57
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:47,941
Uh-huh.
58
00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:49,610
Good-looking guy.
59
00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:50,578
Yeah.
60
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,913
You're here
with your brother.
61
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,081
I know.
62
00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:56,650
That'll tighten
the old sphincter.
63
00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:00,087
Oh, God.
64
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,622
You still want to go?
65
00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:04,292
No. No, I'm not gonna give
her the satisfaction.
66
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,694
I can suck it up
for two hours.
67
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,662
Three hours
and 20 minutes.
68
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:09,930
What?
69
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:14,001
It covers four generations
of transsexual Kabuki dancers.
70
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,806
Let's go.
71
00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:22,310
All right, but I think
72
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,978
you should pay me back
for the tickets.
73
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:26,380
Well, not now.
74
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,082
When it's convenient.
75
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,721
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
76
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:36,857
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
77
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:39,960
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
78
00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:41,929
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
79
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:45,132
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
80
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:48,302
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
81
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:51,405
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
82
00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,112
* Men...
83
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,452
I can't believe
she's already dating.
84
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,119
You're kidding, right?
85
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,588
The day after she moved out,
86
00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:10,291
you ran off to Vegas
and married a stripper.
87
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,192
People grieve in
different ways, Alan.
88
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,294
Mm.
89
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:15,095
Besides, the stripper
was already married,
90
00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:16,764
so no harm, no foul.
91
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:20,067
(sighs)
Everybody's got
somebody but me.
92
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,303
Hello? I'm not
with anyone, either.
93
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:25,506
Hello? You're a big loser
that says "Hello?"
94
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:32,380
I wonder if she's
slept with him yet.
95
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,282
Oh, don't go there, Charlie.
Don't punish yourself.
96
00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:37,651
Well, if she hasn't already,
I'll bet you she does tonight.
97
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,387
Okay, punish yourself.
98
00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,389
I mean, what kind of man's
gonna sit through
99
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,391
a three-hour gay French
flick unless he figures
100
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,426
he's got a good shot at
getting laid afterwards?
101
00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:48,262
You didn't even give
that movie a chance.
102
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:51,365
I'll bet you right now he's
driving her back to his place.
103
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,200
They're talking
about the movie.
104
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,703
He'll make up some crap
about how it made him cry.
105
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,372
Then he'll ask her in
for a cup of coffee,
106
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,374
which he'll turn
into a glass of wine.
107
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,243
One thing leads to another,
and before you know it,
108
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:06,380
he's got her in the bathtub
running like a jet ski.
109
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:11,151
At least that's
how I'd play it.
110
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:13,654
Come on.
111
00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,222
Where we going?
112
00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:17,891
Chelsea's. I got to see
if she comes home tonight.
113
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,460
Okay. Why am I going?
114
00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:20,628
Hello? I'm hammered.
115
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,063
How's it gonna look
if I get a DUI
116
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,198
on the way to spy
on my ex-girlfriend?
117
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:30,338
He's very responsible
about drinking and stalking.
118
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,074
* Men...
119
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:38,612
(sighs):
How long are we
gonna sit here?
120
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,681
Till she comes home.
121
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,317
What if she spends
all night with Brad?
122
00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:46,520
Well, then we'll be here
all night.
123
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,055
(groaning sigh)
124
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,157
No, no. No, don't...
125
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:51,492
(groaning sigh)
126
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:54,395
Hey, I can (groaning sigh)
if I want to.
127
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:55,128
I'm tired.
128
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,397
Then go to sleep.
129
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,831
Without my melatonin
and mouth guard?
130
00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,099
I don't think so.
131
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,970
Car, car, car.
132
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,338
Oh, it's them.
133
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,039
It's them.
Get down. Get down.
Okay.
134
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,140
Quick, put this on.
135
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,542
What the hell is it?
Mustache.
136
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,210
What are you doing
with a mustache
137
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:11,211
in your glove compartment?
138
00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:12,446
Don't worry. It's fake.
139
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,416
That doesn't answer my question.
140
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,317
You think you're the first guy
who's ever checked up
141
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:18,619
on a woman who's dumped you?
Put it on!
142
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:21,288
(sighs)
There is a whole side to you
143
00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:23,357
I don't want to know
anything about.
144
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,360
Hey, that's a good
look for you.
145
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,295
It's kind of '70s porn star.
146
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,631
I'm guessing.
147
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,201
Look at that thing
he's driving.
148
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,537
What? It's a Prius.
Of course
it's a Prius.
149
00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:38,171
(mocking):
I'm saving the planet.
150
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:39,707
Could I play with your boobies?
151
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,875
Hey, do not put down
the green lifestyle.
152
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,176
I have worked
very hard
153
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:45,245
to reduce the size of
my carbon footprint.
154
00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:46,480
You're a mooch and a miser.
155
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,215
Don't try to make it sound hip.
156
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:52,319
All right, they're
getting out of the car.
157
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,655
Oh, don't you just
love how he dresses?
158
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:57,324
I mean, youthful, but
not trying too hard.
159
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:59,493
Unlike some people.
160
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,996
Oh, great.
They're kissing.
161
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,399
Good thing he doesn't know
where her mouth has been.
162
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,938
Wait a minute.
163
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,073
He's getting
back in his car.
164
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,608
And there he goes.
165
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:19,212
Well, denied,
Mr. Greenpeace Sissy Pants!
166
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:20,448
There. You feel better?
167
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:21,982
Can we please
go home now?
168
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,216
Wait, just a minute.
169
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:24,952
I want to make sure
she gets inside okay.
170
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:28,021
You know, there's a soft side
to you that I just applaud.
171
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:29,490
You don't let it
out very often,
172
00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:32,225
but when you do, it just
lights up the world.
173
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,496
Wait a minute.
174
00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:37,264
Why is she getting in her car?
175
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:38,966
Where is she going
at this hour?
176
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,735
Maybe there's a third guy,
and she's cheating on Brad.
177
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,003
What?
178
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,839
Isn't that how
you'd play it?
179
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,508
Follow her.
180
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,277
* Men...
181
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:51,712
CHARLIE:
Catch up.
182
00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:53,614
Catch up. You're
gonna lose her.
Relax.
183
00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:55,749
This is not the first woman
I've surreptitiously followed
184
00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,818
while honoring the letter
of a restraining order.
185
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,190
Oh. Looks like she's
heading for Malibu.
186
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,992
Who does she know
in Malibu?
187
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,293
No idea.
188
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,961
(engine sputtering)
189
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,830
What the hell is that?
Oh, damn.
190
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,298
I'm out of gas.
191
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,667
How could you be
out of gas?
I don't know.
192
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,604
I just put three dollars
in the other day.
193
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:17,905
Three dollars?
194
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:21,609
Actually $2.50.
I bought a Milky Way.
195
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,343
Oh, crap!
196
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:26,880
All right, we'll just
have to call Triple-A.
197
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,348
Um...
198
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:30,350
You don't have Triple-A?
199
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,419
It costs, like, $49 a year.
200
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,421
Charlie, I gas up
three dollars at a time!
201
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,790
Great! Just great!
202
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:37,991
Do you have Triple-A?
203
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,861
I have Mercedes
Gold Platinum Valet
204
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,062
something or other.
205
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,764
So? Won't they come
and help us?
206
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,132
Let's see.
207
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:48,802
Will Mercedes come out
to put gas in an '89 Volvo?
208
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:50,504
I'll call them to ask.
209
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,908
You're actually waiting
for me to call, aren't you?
210
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:57,745
No.
211
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:00,413
(sighs) Come on.
212
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,382
We'll just have
to hoof it.
213
00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:04,585
What, I'm supposed to
leave my car abandoned
214
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:05,619
on the side of the road?
215
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,120
What if somebody
tries to steal it?
216
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,589
Good thinking.
217
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,291
Leave the keys, gas money,
and a thank-you note.
218
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:15,596
Spoken like
someone with insurance!
219
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,999
* Men...
220
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,902
(sighs)
(groans):
Oh...
221
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,871
My feet... are killing me.
222
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,405
Well, that's
what you get
223
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,541
for wearing those
expensive Italian loafers.
224
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,176
They're just not
made for walking.
225
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,378
You're right.
226
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,216
Hi, Charlie.
227
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,250
Chels?
228
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:38,451
Hey, Uncle Charlie,
229
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,688
you look like a '70s porn star.
230
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:44,792
I'm guessing.
231
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,294
* Men...
232
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:51,364
* Men...
233
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,200
What are you doing here?
234
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,002
I needed to talk to you.
235
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:57,170
Okay. What's up?
236
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,139
Um...
237
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,440
Oh, uh, come on, Jake.
238
00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:02,075
Let's give them some privacy.
239
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:05,613
Why? Do you think they're
gonna do it on the couch?
240
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:11,652
Okay, here it is.
241
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:16,223
Seeing you tonight
made me realize
242
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,158
how much I miss you.
243
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,359
Really?
244
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,695
Do you miss me?
245
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:24,331
Oh, yeah, he's been crying
like a little girl.
246
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,033
Will you go away!
247
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,401
What? I'm on your side.
248
00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:32,305
Well, I can see nothing's
changed around here.
249
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,708
Well, just that
you're gone.
250
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,076
And-and yes,
I do miss you,
251
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:38,879
and I have been crying
like a little girl.
252
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,313
Good.
253
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:43,984
So, what have you been up to?
254
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,519
Not much. How do
you like living
255
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,989
with your dad
and his boyfriend?
256
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,323
It's a little weird.
257
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:51,424
I can imagine.
258
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,794
Two old Navy guys
shacking up.
259
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,030
The walls are pretty thin.
260
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:00,668
Every night I'm hearing:
261
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:03,336
(deep voice):
"Up periscope,
down periscope."
262
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,008
"Launch the torpedo."
263
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,509
Enough idle chitchat.
264
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,511
What's the deal
with you and Brad?
265
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:13,513
He's great, but...
266
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,215
it's just not the same.
267
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:18,085
Have you two, uh...?
268
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:19,152
No.
269
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,553
Oh.
270
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,056
(chuckles quietly)
271
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:26,326
Wipe that smile
off your face.
272
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,428
You wipe it off.
273
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,635
You're gonna have to
do better than that.
274
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,544
One question.
Yeah?
275
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:46,179
What was with the mustache?
276
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:47,881
When I'm out with Alan,
277
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:50,383
I don't like people
to recognize me.
278
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:54,755
Hey, they are doing it
on the couch.
279
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,191
* Men.
280
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,393
So what's the deal with
Uncle Charlie and Chelsea?
281
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,494
Are they back together,
282
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:03,263
or was that just
a booty call?
283
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,133
What do you know
about booty calls?
284
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,101
In theory, everything.
285
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:12,840
Aw, crap.
286
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,441
What?
287
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,076
Just a little disappointed.
288
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:19,112
I saw Chelsea's car outside.
I didn't see yours.
289
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:22,983
She spent the night,
290
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:24,684
but we don't know
if they're back together
291
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,653
or if they were just
scratching the old itch.
292
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,123
What do you know
about the old itch?
293
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,624
It's intercourse, Dad.
294
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,127
Why do we play these games?
295
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,131
Good morning, all.
296
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,599
Morning.
Morning.
297
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,175
What?
298
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,509
Come on. Give.
299
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,511
There's nothing to give.
300
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:54,381
She came by, said she misses me,
spent the night.
301
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,416
Yay.
302
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,518
So is she
moving back in?
303
00:11:58,585 --> 00:11:59,987
Is the wedding back on?
304
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,823
Or was it just making
the beast with two backs?
305
00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:07,060
What is wrong with you?!
306
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:09,930
I'm at an awkward age.
307
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:13,166
Morning, everyone.
308
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,067
Morning.
Morning.
309
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:15,335
Hey, you want coffee?
310
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,537
Actually, I have to get home
and change for work.
311
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,306
Oh, okay.
Can we talk?
312
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,041
Sure.
313
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,110
Oh, that's never good.
314
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,277
How do you know?
315
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,513
That's what Mom
said to you.
316
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:29,682
So I'm thinking,
you grab some things
317
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:30,984
from your dad's for tonight,
318
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,921
and then we move all of your
stuff back this weekend.
319
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:36,156
Charlie, I'm not
coming back tonight.
320
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,157
Why not?
321
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:38,691
Last night was good, right?
322
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:42,195
It was great, but it
doesn't solve our problems.
323
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,731
Sure solved mine.
324
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,800
It's not that
I don't love you,
325
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,202
but I'm still not sure that
we have a future together.
326
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,072
Chelsea, you're really
freaking me out here.
327
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,373
I've got to go.
328
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,608
Come on. Wait.
329
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,077
Oh, I found your mustache.
330
00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:58,245
Where was it?
331
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,514
Where do you think it was?
It was stuck to my ass.
332
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,021
* Men.
333
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,727
Hey.
334
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,663
Hey.
335
00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:19,199
Feel like talking?
336
00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:22,202
No, I do not.
337
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,270
Understandable.
338
00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:27,374
You got to admit you're
in a better place now
339
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,775
than you were
this time last night.
340
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:32,112
I mean, 24 hours ago,
341
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,681
the woman you love was
on a date with another man.
342
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,816
But presto-change-o,
she wound up
343
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:39,186
spending the night with you.
344
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,854
Of course, come the morning,
345
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:44,557
once again, she dropped you
like a lead turd.
346
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:47,827
Sorry.
347
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,563
You didn't
want to talk.
348
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,038
Me, I'm just the opposite.
349
00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:01,174
When I get my heart broken,
I have to talk.
350
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,409
You cannot shut me up.
351
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,978
Yakkity-yak-yak-yak-yak.
352
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:10,717
Sorry.
353
00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:18,391
I've tried to be
the strong, silent type,
354
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,427
but... it's just not
who I am.
355
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,996
I mean, not to mention
there's physical manifestations
356
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:24,464
to bottling up
your feelings.
357
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:27,567
I mean, constipation,
migraines.
358
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:31,871
Or it goes the other way:
gas, diarrhea.
359
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,207
You just cannot predict it.
360
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,609
It's kind of an
emotional crapshoot.
361
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,778
(snickers)
362
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:46,119
Crapshoot.
363
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:48,855
That just came to me,
right off the top of my head.
364
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,690
(snorting laugh)
365
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,259
Got it.
366
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,198
But you are lucky.
367
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:01,501
You've got your music
to express your feelings.
368
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:04,972
I mean, you could play
the blues, for instance.
369
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:09,376
(scatting blues riff)
370
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:10,944
* My baby done left me
371
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:15,382
(scatting blues riff)
372
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,217
* She ain't coming back
373
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,889
(scatting blues riff)
374
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:25,792
What's going on?
375
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,827
* I'm smothering your daddy.
376
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:30,030
(scatting blues riff)
377
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,067
* Men.
378
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,274
(elevator bell dings)
379
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,943
I'm just saying it
seems like every time
380
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:46,946
it's my turn to pick up
the crap, he's got the runs.
381
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,382
Well, stop feeding
him chili.
382
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,552
Oh, hey, Charlie.
Hey, Charlie.
383
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:53,886
Hey, Tom, Ed.
384
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,088
Are you looking
for Chelsea?
385
00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:57,424
No, he came to see
two old queens
386
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:58,458
walking a dog.
387
00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:01,861
Who are you calling
a queen, Elizabeth?
388
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:03,230
TOM:
She's not here, Charlie.
389
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,332
She went to dinner
with that Brad guy.
390
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:06,566
Oh.
391
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,201
You want to come in,
have a beer?
392
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:10,003
Nah, I don't want
to bother you guys.
393
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,338
Don't be silly.
Come on.
394
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,839
Okay, thanks.
395
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,676
You had to tell him
she's with Brad?
396
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,811
What, I'm
supposed to lie?
397
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,647
No, but you can dummy up.
398
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,482
I mean, look at
the poor bastard.
399
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,887
I'm sorry.
I wasn't thinking.
400
00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:28,988
"I wasn't thinking."
401
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,790
That should be
your middle name.
402
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:34,561
Don't be getting in my face
when I'm holding a bag of poop.
403
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:39,232
I'll grab some brews.
404
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:42,069
Chelsea told me
about last night.
405
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,070
I don't understand it, Tom.
406
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,704
I thought we were
back together.
407
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,107
Yeah, well, you can't
make sense out of a woman.
408
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,776
They're like beautiful puzzles
with missing pieces,
409
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,811
or a great book
with no ending,
410
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,780
or like my old man
used to say,
411
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,915
"They're all friggin' nuts."
412
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:58,951
I don't know what to do.
413
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,421
Should I leave her alone?
Should I pursue her?
414
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:04,157
If I might chime in.
415
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:07,494
I would say that
stopping by unannounced,
416
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,196
with some liquor store flowers,
417
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:11,864
sends up a rather
desperate flare.
418
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:13,700
I know, I know.
419
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,069
I just couldn't sit home
and do nothing.
420
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,537
I keep turning it over
in my mind.
421
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:18,805
What did I do wrong?
422
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,307
What could I have
done differently?
423
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,042
Man, how many times
did I ask myself that question
424
00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:24,444
when I was married?
425
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:25,545
Me, too.
426
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:27,447
What have we got
between the two of us--
427
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:28,915
something like 80
years of marriage?
428
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:32,285
Let's see--
I was with Beth for 38,
429
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:35,455
and you were with Martha
for 40, 41...
430
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,724
I didn't need you to
actually do the math.
431
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:38,825
Don't bark at me.
432
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,427
I'll beat the snot out of you.
433
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,062
Bring it on, mister.
434
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:45,565
Maybe I should go.
435
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:46,799
No, no, no,
sit down.
436
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:47,867
Finish your beer.
437
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:49,236
We're just sparring.
438
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:51,238
I love this broken-down
son of a bitch.
439
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,406
Oh, for God's sake,
don't gay it up
440
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:54,907
in front of company.
441
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:56,776
Now you listen
to me, young man,
442
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,345
in the final analysis,
443
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,913
it doesn't matter what
you did or didn't do.
444
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,549
You want Chelsea back?
445
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:05,318
You've got to make her miss you
like you did last night.
446
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:06,819
And she's not going
to miss you
447
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,555
if you're squatting
in her living room
448
00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:11,524
with those sad-ass petunias.
449
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,594
So, what, I'm supposed to just
go about my business
450
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:16,329
hoping that one day
she shows up
451
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,597
and says, "I'm back"?
452
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,899
Or you can do
like me and Ed did.
453
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:22,435
Change teams.
454
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:26,005
A lot easier living
with a man than a woman.
455
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:28,107
Tom and I watch
the same TV shows.
456
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:29,609
We like the same food.
457
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,778
You don't have to leave
the room to fart.
458
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:35,815
You don't have to, but it sure
would be a nice idea.
459
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:40,420
Okay, well, thanks, fellas.
460
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,855
This was real helpful.
461
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:43,923
We're always here
for you, Charlie.
462
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,425
Thank you.
463
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:47,026
And don't tell Chelsea
I stopped by.
464
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,161
I wouldn't dream of it.
465
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,862
And remember
what we told you:
466
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:50,897
lay low for a while.
467
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,165
Run silent, run deep.
468
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:53,900
There you go.
469
00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,672
Well, what do you think?
470
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:03,710
Watch Sports Center
and then fool around a little?
471
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:07,914
You, uh, you need
to take a Viagra?
472
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,016
You're my Viagra, baby.
473
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,819
Ah, that's so sweet.
474
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:14,754
Just for that, you
can hold the remote.
475
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,992
* Men.
476
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,697
* Men.
477
00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:25,732
Hey.
478
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:27,934
Sorry. Didn't mean
to disturb you.
479
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,168
Just grabbing a water.
480
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,570
No, no, no, it's fine.
481
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,305
Come on. Join me.
482
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,445
Really?
483
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,813
Yeah, sit down.
484
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,316
Okay.
485
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,287
(sighs)
486
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,922
Listen, uh,
487
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:53,626
I want to apologize
for... you know...
488
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,329
Trying to kill me
with a pillow?
489
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,265
It was horseplay.
490
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,267
Don't make a big
thing about it.
491
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:03,370
What I'm saying is that I know
you were trying to cheer me up,
492
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,705
and I appreciate it.
493
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:09,542
Thank you.
494
00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:13,780
I realize that I give you
a hard time about living here,
495
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,214
but frankly,
496
00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:19,586
it's probably a
good thing to...
497
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,388
have you around.
498
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,392
Wow, Charlie.
499
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:28,661
That means so much
to hear you say that.
500
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,963
Well...
501
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:36,168
I do... I do love you, buddy.
502
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:41,541
(voice breaking):
And I love you, too.
503
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:44,277
I know, I know.
504
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:47,580
I don't want this moment
to ever end.
505
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:51,150
Okay.
506
00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:53,853
I mean it.
I am not letting go.
507
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,055
Well, you're gonna have to,
508
00:20:56,122 --> 00:20:57,890
'cause it's starting
to get a little weird.
509
00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:59,526
We don't need women.
510
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,160
We've got each other.
511
00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:05,598
All right, you brought
this on yourself.
512
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,735
Don't worry.
I'll wait for you
on the other side.
34844
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