Original subtitles

* Men...

I'm gonna hate this movie.

How can you be so sure?

It's got subtitles.

The only good subtitles are for Nazis,

Colombian drug lords, and space aliens.

Oh, and Kung Fu.

Excuse me, but NPR called Hiroshima la Poubelle

an "enchanting journey of self-discovery."

Well, they're not gonna call it

a "two-hour French snooze-fest for pompous douche-buckets."

Hey, you agreed that if I paid for the tickets,

we could see what I want to see.

That's because I didn't actually think

you could scrape together 18 bucks

without stopping at a blood bank.

Well, it is a small price to pay

to finally get you out of the house.

It's been three weeks since you and Chelsea broke up,

and you need to move on.

Says the guy who still carries around

a naked picture of his ex-wife.

Hey, I bought those boobs.

I have a right to look at them once in a while.

Damn. I don't believe it.

What?

She's here.

My ex-wife?

No! It's Chelsea.

She's with that Brad guy.

So wh-what do we do?

Do we say hello?

No. We get the hell out of here.

CHELSEA: Charlie?

Hey.

Look who's here.

Alan, Chelsea's here.

Oh, hey, Chelsea.

Hi, Alan.

You guys remember Brad.

How's it going?

Good. Great.

Looking forward to the movie.

I'm surprised to see you here.

This doesn't strike me as your cup of tea.

Are you kidding? NPR called it

an "enchanting journey of self-discovery."

You know I live for that crap.

Right.

Okay, well, it was good seeing you.

You, too.

Wow.

That was awkward.

Tell me about it.

Had to be tough for you.

Your ex-fianceé out with another guy?

Uh-huh.

Good-looking guy.

Yeah.

You're here with your brother.

I know.

That'll tighten the old sphincter.

Oh, God.

You still want to go?

No. No, I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction.

I can suck it up for two hours.

Three hours and 20 minutes.

What?

It covers four generations of transsexual Kabuki dancers.

Let's go.

All right, but I think

you should pay me back for the tickets.

Well, not now.

When it's convenient.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men...

I can't believe she's already dating.

You're kidding, right?

The day after she moved out,

you ran off to Vegas and married a stripper.

People grieve in different ways, Alan.

Mm.

Besides, the stripper was already married,

so no harm, no foul.

(sighs) Everybody's got somebody but me.

Hello? I'm not with anyone, either.

Hello? You're a big loser that says "Hello?"

I wonder if she's slept with him yet.

Oh, don't go there, Charlie. Don't punish yourself.

Well, if she hasn't already, I'll bet you she does tonight.

Okay, punish yourself.

I mean, what kind of man's gonna sit through

a three-hour gay French flick unless he figures

he's got a good shot at getting laid afterwards?

You didn't even give that movie a chance.

I'll bet you right now he's driving her back to his place.

They're talking about the movie.

He'll make up some crap about how it made him cry.

Then he'll ask her in for a cup of coffee,

which he'll turn into a glass of wine.

One thing leads to another, and before you know it,

he's got her in the bathtub running like a jet ski.

At least that's how I'd play it.

Come on.

Where we going?

Chelsea's. I got to see if she comes home tonight.

Okay. Why am I going?

Hello? I'm hammered.

How's it gonna look if I get a DUI

on the way to spy on my ex-girlfriend?

He's very responsible about drinking and stalking.

* Men...

(sighs): How long are we gonna sit here?

Till she comes home.

What if she spends all night with Brad?

Well, then we'll be here all night.

(groaning sigh)

No, no. No, don't...

(groaning sigh)

Hey, I can (groaning sigh) if I want to.

I'm tired.

Then go to sleep.

Without my melatonin and mouth guard?

I don't think so.

Car, car, car.

Oh, it's them.

It's them. Get down. Get down. Okay.

Quick, put this on.

What the hell is it? Mustache.

What are you doing with a mustache

in your glove compartment?

Don't worry. It's fake.

That doesn't answer my question.

You think you're the first guy who's ever checked up

on a woman who's dumped you? Put it on!

(sighs) There is a whole side to you

I don't want to know anything about.

Hey, that's a good look for you.

It's kind of '70s porn star.

I'm guessing.

Look at that thing he's driving.

What? It's a Prius. Of course it's a Prius.

(mocking): I'm saving the planet.

Could I play with your boobies?

Hey, do not put down the green lifestyle.

I have worked very hard

to reduce the size of my carbon footprint.

You're a mooch and a miser.

Don't try to make it sound hip.

All right, they're getting out of the car.

Oh, don't you just love how he dresses?

I mean, youthful, but not trying too hard.

Unlike some people.

Oh, great. They're kissing.

Good thing he doesn't know where her mouth has been.

Wait a minute.

He's getting back in his car.

And there he goes.

Well, denied, Mr. Greenpeace Sissy Pants!

There. You feel better?

Can we please go home now?

Wait, just a minute.

I want to make sure she gets inside okay.

You know, there's a soft side to you that I just applaud.

You don't let it out very often,

but when you do, it just lights up the world.

Wait a minute.

Why is she getting in her car?

Where is she going at this hour?

Maybe there's a third guy, and she's cheating on Brad.

What?

Isn't that how you'd play it?

Follow her.

* Men...

CHARLIE: Catch up.

Catch up. You're gonna lose her. Relax.

This is not the first woman I've surreptitiously followed

while honoring the letter of a restraining order.

Oh. Looks like she's heading for Malibu.

Who does she know in Malibu?

No idea.

(engine sputtering)

What the hell is that? Oh, damn.

I'm out of gas.

How could you be out of gas? I don't know.

I just put three dollars in the other day.

Three dollars?

Actually $2.50. I bought a Milky Way.

Oh, crap!

All right, we'll just have to call Triple-A.

Um...

You don't have Triple-A?

It costs, like, $49 a year.

Charlie, I gas up three dollars at a time!

Great! Just great!

Do you have Triple-A?

I have Mercedes Gold Platinum Valet

something or other.

So? Won't they come and help us?

Let's see.

Will Mercedes come out to put gas in an '89 Volvo?

I'll call them to ask.

You're actually waiting for me to call, aren't you?

No.

(sighs) Come on.

We'll just have to hoof it.

What, I'm supposed to leave my car abandoned

on the side of the road?

What if somebody tries to steal it?

Good thinking.

Leave the keys, gas money, and a thank-you note.

Spoken like someone with insurance!

* Men...

(sighs) (groans): Oh...

My feet... are killing me.

Well, that's what you get

for wearing those expensive Italian loafers.

They're just not made for walking.

You're right.

Hi, Charlie.

Chels?

Hey, Uncle Charlie,

you look like a '70s porn star.

I'm guessing.

* Men...

* Men...

What are you doing here?

I needed to talk to you.

Okay. What's up?

Um...

Oh, uh, come on, Jake.

Let's give them some privacy.

Why? Do you think they're gonna do it on the couch?

Okay, here it is.

Seeing you tonight made me realize

how much I miss you.

Really?

Do you miss me?

Oh, yeah, he's been crying like a little girl.

Will you go away!

What? I'm on your side.

Well, I can see nothing's changed around here.

Well, just that you're gone.

And-and yes, I do miss you,

and I have been crying like a little girl.

Good.

So, what have you been up to?

Not much. How do you like living

with your dad and his boyfriend?

It's a little weird.

I can imagine.

Two old Navy guys shacking up.

The walls are pretty thin.

Every night I'm hearing:

(deep voice): "Up periscope, down periscope."

"Launch the torpedo."

Enough idle chitchat.

What's the deal with you and Brad?

He's great, but...

it's just not the same.

Have you two, uh...?

No.

Oh.

(chuckles quietly)

Wipe that smile off your face.

You wipe it off.

You're gonna have to do better than that.

One question. Yeah?

What was with the mustache?

When I'm out with Alan,

I don't like people to recognize me.

Hey, they are doing it on the couch.

* Men.

So what's the deal with Uncle Charlie and Chelsea?

Are they back together,

or was that just a booty call?

What do you know about booty calls?

In theory, everything.

Aw, crap.

What?

Just a little disappointed.

I saw Chelsea's car outside. I didn't see yours.

She spent the night,

but we don't know if they're back together

or if they were just scratching the old itch.

What do you know about the old itch?

It's intercourse, Dad.

Why do we play these games?

Good morning, all.

Morning. Morning.

What?

Come on. Give.

There's nothing to give.

She came by, said she misses me, spent the night.

Yay.

So is she moving back in?

Is the wedding back on?

Or was it just making the beast with two backs?

What is wrong with you?!

I'm at an awkward age.

Morning, everyone.

Morning. Morning.

Hey, you want coffee?

Actually, I have to get home and change for work.

Oh, okay. Can we talk?

Sure.

Oh, that's never good.

How do you know?

That's what Mom said to you.

So I'm thinking, you grab some things

from your dad's for tonight,

and then we move all of your stuff back this weekend.

Charlie, I'm not coming back tonight.

Why not?

Last night was good, right?

It was great, but it doesn't solve our problems.

Sure solved mine.

It's not that I don't love you,

but I'm still not sure that we have a future together.

Chelsea, you're really freaking me out here.

I've got to go.

Come on. Wait.

Oh, I found your mustache.

Where was it?

Where do you think it was? It was stuck to my ass.

* Men.

Hey.

Hey.

Feel like talking?

No, I do not.

Understandable.

You got to admit you're in a better place now

than you were this time last night.

I mean, 24 hours ago,

the woman you love was on a date with another man.

But presto-change-o, she wound up

spending the night with you.

Of course, come the morning,

once again, she dropped you like a lead turd.

Sorry.

You didn't want to talk.

Me, I'm just the opposite.

When I get my heart broken, I have to talk.

You cannot shut me up.

Yakkity-yak-yak-yak-yak.

Sorry.

I've tried to be the strong, silent type,

but... it's just not who I am.

I mean, not to mention there's physical manifestations

to bottling up your feelings.

I mean, constipation, migraines.

Or it goes the other way: gas, diarrhea.

You just cannot predict it.

It's kind of an emotional crapshoot.

(snickers)

Crapshoot.

That just came to me, right off the top of my head.

(snorting laugh)

Got it.

But you are lucky.

You've got your music to express your feelings.

I mean, you could play the blues, for instance.

(scatting blues riff)

* My baby done left me

(scatting blues riff)

* She ain't coming back

(scatting blues riff)

What's going on?

* I'm smothering your daddy.

(scatting blues riff)

* Men.

(elevator bell dings)

I'm just saying it seems like every time

it's my turn to pick up the crap, he's got the runs.

Well, stop feeding him chili.

Oh, hey, Charlie. Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Tom, Ed.

Are you looking for Chelsea?

No, he came to see two old queens

walking a dog.

Who are you calling a queen, Elizabeth?

TOM: She's not here, Charlie.

She went to dinner with that Brad guy.

Oh.

You want to come in, have a beer?

Nah, I don't want to bother you guys.

Don't be silly. Come on.

Okay, thanks.

You had to tell him she's with Brad?

What, I'm supposed to lie?

No, but you can dummy up.

I mean, look at the poor bastard.

I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

"I wasn't thinking."

That should be your middle name.

Don't be getting in my face when I'm holding a bag of poop.

I'll grab some brews.

Chelsea told me about last night.

I don't understand it, Tom.

I thought we were back together.

Yeah, well, you can't make sense out of a woman.

They're like beautiful puzzles with missing pieces,

or a great book with no ending,

or like my old man used to say,

"They're all friggin' nuts."

I don't know what to do.

Should I leave her alone? Should I pursue her?

If I might chime in.

I would say that stopping by unannounced,

with some liquor store flowers,

sends up a rather desperate flare.

I know, I know.

I just couldn't sit home and do nothing.

I keep turning it over in my mind.

What did I do wrong?

What could I have done differently?

Man, how many times did I ask myself that question

when I was married?

Me, too.

What have we got between the two of us--

something like 80 years of marriage?

Let's see-- I was with Beth for 38,

and you were with Martha for 40, 41...

I didn't need you to actually do the math.

Don't bark at me.

I'll beat the snot out of you.

Bring it on, mister.

Maybe I should go.

No, no, no, sit down.

Finish your beer.

We're just sparring.

I love this broken-down son of a bitch.

Oh, for God's sake, don't gay it up

in front of company.

Now you listen to me, young man,

in the final analysis,

it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do.

You want Chelsea back?

You've got to make her miss you like you did last night.

And she's not going to miss you

if you're squatting in her living room

with those sad-ass petunias.

So, what, I'm supposed to just go about my business

hoping that one day she shows up

and says, "I'm back"?

Or you can do like me and Ed did.

Change teams.

A lot easier living with a man than a woman.

Tom and I watch the same TV shows.

We like the same food.

You don't have to leave the room to fart.

You don't have to, but it sure would be a nice idea.

Okay, well, thanks, fellas.

This was real helpful.

We're always here for you, Charlie.

Thank you.

And don't tell Chelsea I stopped by.

I wouldn't dream of it.

And remember what we told you:

lay low for a while.

Run silent, run deep.

There you go.

Well, what do you think?

Watch Sports Center and then fool around a little?

You, uh, you need to take a Viagra?

You're my Viagra, baby.

Ah, that's so sweet.

Just for that, you can hold the remote.

* Men.

* Men.

Hey.

Sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you.

Just grabbing a water.

No, no, no, it's fine.

Come on. Join me.

Really?

Yeah, sit down.

Okay.

(sighs)

Listen, uh,

I want to apologize for... you know...

Trying to kill me with a pillow?

It was horseplay.

Don't make a big thing about it.

What I'm saying is that I know you were trying to cheer me up,

and I appreciate it.

Thank you.

I realize that I give you a hard time about living here,

but frankly,

it's probably a good thing to...

have you around.

Wow, Charlie.

That means so much to hear you say that.

Well...

I do... I do love you, buddy.

(voice breaking): And I love you, too.

I know, I know.

I don't want this moment to ever end.

Okay.

I mean it. I am not letting go.

Well, you're gonna have to,

'cause it's starting to get a little weird.

We don't need women.

We've got each other.

All right, you brought this on yourself.

Don't worry. I'll wait for you on the other side.