Original subtitles

[cheering] Thank you for watching and

[cheering] Thank you for watching and

[cheering] Thank you for watching and your home. Thank you for joining us here

your home. Thank you for joining us here

your home. Thank you for joining us here in Hollywood. Please relax. Relax. We're

in Hollywood. Please relax. Relax. We're

in Hollywood. Please relax. Relax. We're [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] I'm going to say for once for ONE TIME

I'm going to say for once for ONE TIME

I'm going to say for once for ONE TIME for once we've got some thank you some

for once we've got some thank you some

for once we've got some thank you some happy news to report from our nation's

happy news to report from our nation's

happy news to report from our nation's capital where for the first time since

capital where for the first time since

capital where for the first time since 1870, the second couple, the vice

1870, the second couple, the vice

1870, the second couple, the vice president and his wife are having a

president and his wife are having a

president and his wife are having a baby. They have a baby on the way. JD

baby. They have a baby on the way. JD

baby. They have a baby on the way. JD Vance and his wife Usha announced they

Vance and his wife Usha announced they

Vance and his wife Usha announced they are expecting a baby in July. The baby

are expecting a baby in July. The baby

are expecting a baby in July. The baby is a boy and will stay a boy forever.

is a boy and will stay a boy forever.

is a boy and will stay a boy forever. [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] The president congratulated the couple.

The president congratulated the couple.

The president congratulated the couple. Oh, he didn't. No, he didn't. He not

Oh, he didn't. No, he didn't. He not

Oh, he didn't. No, he didn't. He not publicly anyway. They have to name the

publicly anyway. They have to name the

publicly anyway. They have to name the baby Donald, right? I mean, it has to be

baby Donald, right? I mean, it has to be

baby Donald, right? I mean, it has to be Donald Junior Jr. or whatever. This

Donald Junior Jr. or whatever. This

Donald Junior Jr. or whatever. This [laughter] will be the Vance's fourth

[laughter] will be the Vance's fourth

[laughter] will be the Vance's fourth child. And I have I'm surprised. I mean,

child. And I have I'm surprised. I mean,

child. And I have I'm surprised. I mean, where does he find the energy to make

where does he find the energy to make

where does he find the energy to make another kid with all that sexy White

another kid with all that sexy White

another kid with all that sexy White House furniture around? It's incredible.

House furniture around? It's incredible.

House furniture around? It's incredible. Little known fact, the only birth

Little known fact, the only birth

Little known fact, the only birth control JD Vance uses is a pullout

control JD Vance uses is a pullout

control JD Vance uses is a pullout couch.

couch.

couch. But [applause]

But [applause]

But [applause] it's congratulations to them. It's very

it's congratulations to them. It's very

it's congratulations to them. It's very exciting. You know, between Trump and

exciting. You know, between Trump and

exciting. You know, between Trump and this newborn, JD Vance is going to be

this newborn, JD Vance is going to be

this newborn, JD Vance is going to be changing a lot of diapers over the next

changing a lot of diapers over the next

changing a lot of diapers over the next three years. The vice president did not

three years. The vice president did not

three years. The vice president did not join his boss baby for the big economic

join his boss baby for the big economic

join his boss baby for the big economic forum in Davos today. The president is

forum in Davos today. The president is

forum in Davos today. The president is in Switzerland to finally put a stop to

in Switzerland to finally put a stop to

in Switzerland to finally put a stop to this ripoff cheese they've been sending

this ripoff cheese they've been sending

this ripoff cheese they've been sending us full of holes. Full of holes. And

us full of holes. Full of holes. And

us full of holes. Full of holes. And also to bully them into handing over

also to bully them into handing over

also to bully them into handing over Greenland. Last night, Bluffagus boarded

Greenland. Last night, Bluffagus boarded

Greenland. Last night, Bluffagus boarded a flight to Davos to meet with many of

a flight to Davos to meet with many of

a flight to Davos to meet with many of his fellow world leaders who came into

his fellow world leaders who came into

his fellow world leaders who came into this meeting highly concerned he might

this meeting highly concerned he might

this meeting highly concerned he might kill NATO and possibly even start World

kill NATO and possibly even start World

kill NATO and possibly even start World War II. This will be an interesting

War II. This will be an interesting

War II. This will be an interesting trip. I have no idea what's going to

trip. I have no idea what's going to

trip. I have no idea what's going to happen, but you are well represented.

happen, but you are well represented.

happen, but you are well represented. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. >> Oh, good. He's going to wing it. That's

>> Oh, good. He's going to wing it. That's

>> Oh, good. He's going to wing it. That's all he knows for sure going there is

all he knows for sure going there is

all he knows for sure going there is that there's McDonald's on the plane.

that there's McDonald's on the plane.

that there's McDonald's on the plane. That's it. [laughter]

That's it. [laughter]

That's it. [laughter] Then they had to turn his plane around

Then they had to turn his plane around

Then they had to turn his plane around due to what they called a minor

due to what they called a minor

due to what they called a minor electrical issue, which occurred after

electrical issue, which occurred after

electrical issue, which occurred after the president ignored multiple requests

the president ignored multiple requests

the president ignored multiple requests to stop blow drying his hair while his

to stop blow drying his hair while his

to stop blow drying his hair while his bowl of Hooters's hot wings was in the

bowl of Hooters's hot wings was in the

bowl of Hooters's hot wings was in the microwave. But then it was off to

microwave. But then it was off to

microwave. But then it was off to Switzerland again where he rolled into

Switzerland again where he rolled into

Switzerland again where he rolled into Davos like a bull in a china shop. The

Davos like a bull in a china shop. The

Davos like a bull in a china shop. The room was jam-packed for Trump's speech.

room was jam-packed for Trump's speech.

room was jam-packed for Trump's speech. They reportedly had to turn away a

They reportedly had to turn away a

They reportedly had to turn away a number of heads of state um because

number of heads of state um because

number of heads of state um because there was not enough room for it was

there was not enough room for it was

there was not enough room for it was can't stand him room only at this thing.

can't stand him room only at this thing.

can't stand him room only at this thing. Those who did get in enjoyed an all you

Those who did get in enjoyed an all you

Those who did get in enjoyed an all you can eat buffet of buffoonery. These

can eat buffet of buffoonery. These

can eat buffet of buffoonery. These speeches really are something to behold.

speeches really are something to behold.

speeches really are something to behold. They will be studied for many many

They will be studied for many many

They will be studied for many many decades to come. It was not what you

decades to come. It was not what you

decades to come. It was not what you might call a charm offensive. It was

might call a charm offensive. It was

might call a charm offensive. It was offensive, yes, but very little charm.

offensive, yes, but very little charm.

offensive, yes, but very little charm. He, you know, he loves bragging about

He, you know, he loves bragging about

He, you know, he loves bragging about our American contributions during World

our American contributions during World

our American contributions during World War II as if he had anything to do with

War II as if he had anything to do with

War II as if he had anything to do with that. His Trump didn't help win World

that. His Trump didn't help win World

that. His Trump didn't help win World War II. His dad didn't help win World

War II. His dad didn't help win World

War II. His dad didn't help win World War II. His grandfather, none of them

War II. His grandfather, none of them

War II. His grandfather, none of them served. He comes from a long line of

served. He comes from a long line of

served. He comes from a long line of vagina necked men with bone spurs. And

vagina necked men with bone spurs. And

vagina necked men with bone spurs. And I'll tell you something,

I'll tell you something,

I'll tell you something, the the soldiers, the troops who did win

the the soldiers, the troops who did win

the the soldiers, the troops who did win the war, for them, he cut funding to the

the war, for them, he cut funding to the

the war, for them, he cut funding to the VA. So do with that what you will. And

VA. So do with that what you will. And

VA. So do with that what you will. And yet still, he had the audacity to tell

yet still, he had the audacity to tell

yet still, he had the audacity to tell our allies in Europe they should be

our allies in Europe they should be

our allies in Europe they should be thanking us. But we saved Greenland. We

thanking us. But we saved Greenland. We

thanking us. But we saved Greenland. We won it big. Without us, right now, you'd

won it big. Without us, right now, you'd

won it big. Without us, right now, you'd all be speaking German and a little

all be speaking German and a little

all be speaking German and a little Japanese perhaps.

Japanese perhaps.

Japanese perhaps. >> Okay. So, anyone want to guess what the

>> Okay. So, anyone want to guess what the

>> Okay. So, anyone want to guess what the predominant language in Switzerland is?

predominant language in Switzerland is?

predominant language in Switzerland is? That's right. It's German. They are

That's right. It's German. They are

That's right. It's German. They are speaking German and maybe a little

speaking German and maybe a little

speaking German and maybe a little Japanese. I don't know. Somewhere in the

Japanese. I don't know. Somewhere in the

Japanese. I don't know. Somewhere in the Texas brush, George W. Bush is laughing

Texas brush, George W. Bush is laughing

Texas brush, George W. Bush is laughing his ass off right now. Trump bered the

his ass off right now. Trump bered the

his ass off right now. Trump bered the leaders of the world for an hour and 10

leaders of the world for an hour and 10

leaders of the world for an hour and 10 minutes. Pure nonsense. And in case

minutes. Pure nonsense. And in case

minutes. Pure nonsense. And in case you're wondering if he forgot to rant

you're wondering if he forgot to rant

you're wondering if he forgot to rant about windmills during that hour and 10

about windmills during that hour and 10

about windmills during that hour and 10 minutes, good news. He got that in, too.

minutes, good news. He got that in, too.

minutes, good news. He got that in, too. The greatest hoax in history, the Green

The greatest hoax in history, the Green

The greatest hoax in history, the Green New Scam. Windmills all over the place.

New Scam. Windmills all over the place.

New Scam. Windmills all over the place. They don't spin. They don't do anything.

They don't spin. They don't do anything.

They don't spin. They don't do anything. They killed the birds. They ruin your

They killed the birds. They ruin your

They killed the birds. They ruin your landscapes. Every time that goes around,

landscapes. Every time that goes around,

landscapes. Every time that goes around, you lose $1,000. There are windmills all

you lose $1,000. There are windmills all

you lose $1,000. There are windmills all over the place and they are losers.

Imagine having to translate that.

Imagine having to translate that.

Imagine having to translate that. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] Did he say he win bidders or losers?

Did he say he win bidders or losers?

Did he say he win bidders or losers? What did they lose? The real reason

What did they lose? The real reason

What did they lose? The real reason Donald Trump hates windmills is because

Donald Trump hates windmills is because

Donald Trump hates windmills is because whenever he's near one, he ends up like

whenever he's near one, he ends up like

whenever he's near one, he ends up like this. So, [laughter]

this. So, [laughter]

this. So, [laughter] and then [cheering]

and then [cheering]

and then [cheering] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] and then he went back to his main topic,

and then he went back to his main topic,

and then he went back to his main topic, which is Greenland. Greenland.

which is Greenland. Greenland.

which is Greenland. Greenland. Greenland. Greenland. He said Greenland

Greenland. Greenland. He said Greenland

Greenland. Greenland. He said Greenland is not even land. It's a big beautiful

is not even land. It's a big beautiful

is not even land. It's a big beautiful piece of ice. And he should know. He's

piece of ice. And he should know. He's

piece of ice. And he should know. He's been married to one of those for 20

been married to one of those for 20

been married to one of those for 20 years.

years.

years. Trump claims the safety of the world

Trump claims the safety of the world

Trump claims the safety of the world depends on the United States owning

depends on the United States owning

depends on the United States owning Greenland, which he repeatedly confused

Greenland, which he repeatedly confused

Greenland, which he repeatedly confused with Iceland. He called Greenland

with Iceland. He called Greenland

with Iceland. He called Greenland Iceland four different times. I'm

Iceland four different times. I'm

Iceland four different times. I'm helping NATO and I and I've until the

helping NATO and I and I've until the

helping NATO and I and I've until the last few days when I told him about

last few days when I told him about

last few days when I told him about Iceland, they loved me.

Iceland, they loved me.

Iceland, they loved me. They called me daddy. Right. Last time,

They called me daddy. Right. Last time,

They called me daddy. Right. Last time, [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] very smart man said, "He's our daddy."

very smart man said, "He's our daddy."

very smart man said, "He's our daddy." >> I think you heard that wrong. They

>> I think you heard that wrong. They

>> I think you heard that wrong. They called you fatty and [cheering] your

called you fatty and [cheering] your

called you fatty and [cheering] your your ears [applause]

your ears [applause]

your ears [applause] change it to a D.

change it to a D.

change it to a D. Here's a little tip to help you

Here's a little tip to help you

Here's a little tip to help you remember, Mr. President. Greenland is

remember, Mr. President. Greenland is

remember, Mr. President. Greenland is covered in ice and Iceland is what

covered in ice and Iceland is what

covered in ice and Iceland is what you're turning Minneapolis into. Okay?

you're turning Minneapolis into. Okay?

you're turning Minneapolis into. Okay? His recall is not so great these days.

His recall is not so great these days.

His recall is not so great these days. You know, I keep saying he stopped eight

You know, I keep saying he stopped eight

You know, I keep saying he stopped eight wars. Well, one of the wars that he

wars. Well, one of the wars that he

wars. Well, one of the wars that he claims that he stopped was between

claims that he stopped was between

claims that he stopped was between Armenia and Azeraijan, which means he

Armenia and Azeraijan, which means he

Armenia and Azeraijan, which means he has now stopped so many wars he can't

has now stopped so many wars he can't

has now stopped so many wars he can't even pronounce them all. I settled eight

even pronounce them all. I settled eight

even pronounce them all. I settled eight other wars. India, Pakistan. I've been I

other wars. India, Pakistan. I've been I

other wars. India, Pakistan. I've been I settled other wars that were Vladimir

settled other wars that were Vladimir

settled other wars that were Vladimir Putin called me Armenia.

Putin called me Armenia.

Putin called me Armenia. Abber Baan.

Abber Baan.

Abber Baan. So close. You got, you know, that's

So close. You got, you know, that's

So close. You got, you know, that's especially concerning because Azerbaijan

especially concerning because Azerbaijan

especially concerning because Azerbaijan is one of the country's names he used to

is one of the country's names he used to

is one of the country's names he used to be able to pronounce.

be able to pronounce.

be able to pronounce. >> Nazerbaijan.

>> Nazerbaijan.

>> Nazerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan.

Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan.

Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan.

Azerbaijan.

Azerbaijan. >> Buckle in folks. we're at Dementia Con

>> Buckle in folks. we're at Dementia Con

>> Buckle in folks. we're at Dementia Con 5.

5.

5. Trump [cheering] then um continued

Trump [cheering] then um continued

Trump [cheering] then um continued [applause] with this. He went on to brag

[applause] with this. He went on to brag

[applause] with this. He went on to brag that if American troops invaded

that if American troops invaded

that if American troops invaded Greenland, we would be unstoppable. And

Greenland, we would be unstoppable. And

Greenland, we would be unstoppable. And I agree, our Green Berets would have no

I agree, our Green Berets would have no

I agree, our Green Berets would have no trouble overpowering four walruses and

trouble overpowering four walruses and

trouble overpowering four walruses and an old man in a lighthouse. The good

an old man in a lighthouse. The good

an old man in a lighthouse. The good news, if there was any, is that Trump

news, if there was any, is that Trump

news, if there was any, is that Trump did announce that he he's not planning

did announce that he he's not planning

did announce that he he's not planning to take Greenland by force. We never

to take Greenland by force. We never

to take Greenland by force. We never asked for anything

asked for anything

asked for anything and we never got anything. We probably

and we never got anything. We probably

and we never got anything. We probably won't get anything unless I decide to

won't get anything unless I decide to

won't get anything unless I decide to use excessive strength and force where

use excessive strength and force where

use excessive strength and force where we would be frankly unstoppable.

we would be frankly unstoppable.

we would be frankly unstoppable. But I won't do that.

But I won't do that.

But I won't do that. Okay, now everyone's saying, "Oh, good."

Okay, now everyone's saying, "Oh, good."

Okay, now everyone's saying, "Oh, good." That's probably the biggest statement I

That's probably the biggest statement I

That's probably the biggest statement I made because people thought I would use

made because people thought I would use

made because people thought I would use force. I don't have to use force. I

force. I don't have to use force. I

force. I don't have to use force. I don't want to use force. I won't use

don't want to use force. I won't use

don't want to use force. I won't use force.

force.

force. All the United States is asking for is a

All the United States is asking for is a

All the United States is asking for is a place called Greenland, right? Is that

place called Greenland, right? Is that

place called Greenland, right? Is that too much to add?

too much to add?

too much to add? A place called Greenland. I mean, all we

A place called Greenland. I mean, all we

A place called Greenland. I mean, all we want is your entire place and its

want is your entire place and its

want is your entire place and its resources, but that's it. That's

resources, but that's it. That's

resources, but that's it. That's nothing. What is the big deal? It's

nothing. What is the big deal? It's

nothing. What is the big deal? It's Greenland. It's not like we're asking

Greenland. It's not like we're asking

Greenland. It's not like we're asking for Disneyland.

for Disneyland.

for Disneyland. It's so crazy. This is a notification I

It's so crazy. This is a notification I

It's so crazy. This is a notification I got on my phone today. Trump says he

got on my phone today. Trump says he

got on my phone today. Trump says he will not use force to acquire Greenland.

will not use force to acquire Greenland.

will not use force to acquire Greenland. I just want you to imagine yourself

I just want you to imagine yourself

I just want you to imagine yourself reading this even just a year ago

reading this even just a year ago

reading this even just a year ago reading you'd assume it was the onion or

reading you'd assume it was the onion or

reading you'd assume it was the onion or something it was now it's our daily

something it was now it's our daily

something it was now it's our daily reality now when this happens the stock

reality now when this happens the stock

reality now when this happens the stock market goes up you know people sometimes

market goes up you know people sometimes

market goes up you know people sometimes ask why our comedy show is all politics

ask why our comedy show is all politics

ask why our comedy show is all politics now I would argue that politics is all

now I would argue that politics is all

now I would argue that politics is all comedy now the politics [applause]

comedy now the politics [applause]

comedy now the politics [applause] we didn't go to them they came to us

we didn't go to them they came to us

we didn't go to them they came to us [applause]

met Mr. said, "Toy Toyota." So, what's

met Mr. said, "Toy Toyota." So, what's

met Mr. said, "Toy Toyota." So, what's your name? Toyota. I said, "Oh,

your name? Toyota. I said, "Oh,

your name? Toyota. I said, "Oh, Emmanuel." He said, "No, no, no. Do not

Emmanuel." He said, "No, no, no. Do not

Emmanuel." He said, "No, no, no. Do not do this." "No, no, no, Donald. I will

do this." "No, no, no, Donald. I will

do this." "No, no, no, Donald. I will not do that." "No, no, Donald, I will do

not do that." "No, no, Donald, I will do

not do that." "No, no, Donald, I will do it." "No, no, no. I will not do it."

it." "No, no, no. I will not do it."

it." "No, no, no. I will not do it." "No, no, no. I will not do it." She

"No, no, no. I will not do it." She

"No, no, no. I will not do it." She said, "No, no, no. You cannot do that."

said, "No, no, no. You cannot do that."

said, "No, no, no. You cannot do that." "No, no, no. Please, you cannot do it."

"No, no, no. Please, you cannot do it."

"No, no, no. Please, you cannot do it." "No, no, no. You're rich." "Yes, yes,

"No, no, no. You're rich." "Yes, yes,

"No, no, no. You're rich." "Yes, yes, I'm rich." And she just rubbed me the

I'm rich." And she just rubbed me the

I'm rich." And she just rubbed me the wrong way. I'll be honest with you.

wrong way. I'll be honest with you.

wrong way. I'll be honest with you. [snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts] >> The right way to rub Trump is with bacon

>> The right way to rub Trump is with bacon

>> The right way to rub Trump is with bacon grease. just for future reference. I

grease. just for future reference. I

grease. just for future reference. I said then after [cheering and applause]

said then after [cheering and applause]

said then after [cheering and applause] the speech

the speech

the speech demanding Greenland, he got nowhere. He

demanding Greenland, he got nowhere. He

demanding Greenland, he got nowhere. He said, "Give me Greenland." And everybody

said, "Give me Greenland." And everybody

said, "Give me Greenland." And everybody said, "No, we're not doing this." So

said, "No, we're not doing this." So

said, "No, we're not doing this." So Trump did what he always does. He

Trump did what he always does. He

Trump did what he always does. He declared victory. He announced that he

declared victory. He announced that he

declared victory. He announced that he now has a concept of a deal on

now has a concept of a deal on

now has a concept of a deal on Greenland.

Greenland.

Greenland. >> The deal is going to be put out pretty

>> The deal is going to be put out pretty

>> The deal is going to be put out pretty soon. I mean, we'll see. It's It's right

soon. I mean, we'll see. It's It's right

soon. I mean, we'll see. It's It's right now a little bit in progress, but pretty

now a little bit in progress, but pretty

now a little bit in progress, but pretty far along. It gets us everything we

far along. It gets us everything we

far along. It gets us everything we needed to get.

needed to get.

needed to get. >> Does it still include the United States

>> Does it still include the United States

>> Does it still include the United States having ownership of Greenland like

having ownership of Greenland like

having ownership of Greenland like you've said? you wanted.

you've said? you wanted.

you've said? you wanted. >> Uh,

>> Uh,

>> Uh, it's a long-term deal.

it's a long-term deal.

it's a long-term deal. >> That's right. After all, at after all

>> That's right. After all, at after all

>> That's right. After all, at after all the bullying, the threats, all the

the bullying, the threats, all the

the bullying, the threats, all the anguish we cause, all the alliances we

anguish we cause, all the alliances we

anguish we cause, all the alliances we damaged, all the we must own Greenland

damaged, all the we must own Greenland

damaged, all the we must own Greenland demands, we reach an agreement that is

demands, we reach an agreement that is

demands, we reach an agreement that is in all probability nearly identical to

in all probability nearly identical to

in all probability nearly identical to the agreement we already made back in

the agreement we already made back in

the agreement we already made back in 1951. And that is the art of the deal,

1951. And that is the art of the deal,

1951. And that is the art of the deal, folks. No one solves a problem that he

folks. No one solves a problem that he

folks. No one solves a problem that he manufactured completely on his own

manufactured completely on his own

manufactured completely on his own better than Donald J. Trump. This whole

better than Donald J. Trump. This whole

better than Donald J. Trump. This whole thing [applause and cheering] has been

thing [applause and cheering] has been

thing [applause and cheering] has been so

so

so erratic, so out of control, even Joe

erratic, so out of control, even Joe

erratic, so out of control, even Joe Biden came out of mothballs to make a

Biden came out of mothballs to make a

Biden came out of mothballs to make a rare public statement today.

rare public statement today.

rare public statement today. >> I'm staying in a race.

>> I'm staying in a race.

>> I'm staying in a race. >> I think he might win this time. I don't

>> I think he might win this time. I don't

>> I think he might win this time. I don't know.

know.

know. And then literally minutes after

And then literally minutes after

And then literally minutes after announcing his mysterious deal, the

announcing his mysterious deal, the

announcing his mysterious deal, the president took time from 6,000 miles

president took time from 6,000 miles

president took time from 6,000 miles away to continue his war on talk shows.

away to continue his war on talk shows.

away to continue his war on talk shows. He shared this story about how his

He shared this story about how his

He shared this story about how his minions at the FCC are planning to make

minions at the FCC are planning to make

minions at the FCC are planning to make it difficult for shows like ours and The

it difficult for shows like ours and The

it difficult for shows like ours and The View to interview politicians they don't

View to interview politicians they don't

View to interview politicians they don't align with. For real, we are once again

align with. For real, we are once again

align with. For real, we are once again getting threatened by the FCC. I might

getting threatened by the FCC. I might

getting threatened by the FCC. I might need your help again. OKAY? [cheering]

[applause] AND I MIGHT

[applause] AND I MIGHT

[applause] AND I MIGHT >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> AND HE'S also [applause]

he's also back to lashing out at Canada.

he's also back to lashing out at Canada.

he's also back to lashing out at Canada. He said a lot of things about Canada. He

He said a lot of things about Canada. He

He said a lot of things about Canada. He said Canada only lives because of the

said Canada only lives because of the

said Canada only lives because of the United States and they're not taking his

United States and they're not taking his

United States and they're not taking his threats lightly. For the first time in

threats lightly. For the first time in

threats lightly. For the first time in more than a 100red years, the Canadian

more than a 100red years, the Canadian

more than a 100red years, the Canadian military's been preparing for an

military's been preparing for an

military's been preparing for an invasion by us. Our closest friend and

invasion by us. Our closest friend and

invasion by us. Our closest friend and neighbor is preparing for the

neighbor is preparing for the

neighbor is preparing for the possibility of being attacked by the

possibility of being attacked by the

possibility of being attacked by the United States. This is This is like

United States. This is This is like

United States. This is This is like Seinfeld buying a gun to keep Kramer out

Seinfeld buying a gun to keep Kramer out

Seinfeld buying a gun to keep Kramer out of his apartment. And as the honorary

of his apartment. And as the honorary

of his apartment. And as the honorary mayor of Dildo, Newfoundland, I feel an

mayor of Dildo, Newfoundland, I feel an

mayor of Dildo, Newfoundland, I feel an obligation to roundly condemn the

obligation to roundly condemn the

obligation to roundly condemn the president's reckless words directed

president's reckless words directed

president's reckless words directed against my adopted constituents. And I

against my adopted constituents. And I

against my adopted constituents. And I hereby order my fellow Dildoians to make

hereby order my fellow Dildoians to make

hereby order my fellow Dildoians to make ready the dildo trading post. Be there.

ready the dildo trading post. Be there.

ready the dildo trading post. Be there. I will join you at sunrise. We will not

I will join you at sunrise. We will not

I will join you at sunrise. We will not be silenced. You know,

be silenced. You know,

be silenced. You know, [cheering and applause]

[applause] I really am the mayor of

[applause] I really am the mayor of

[applause] I really am the mayor of Dildo, in case you were wondering. You

Dildo, in case you were wondering. You

Dildo, in case you were wondering. You know, Martin Short is here tonight. We

know, Martin Short is here tonight. We

know, Martin Short is here tonight. We may have WE [cheering]

may have WE [cheering]

may have WE [cheering] [applause]

may have to deploy the three amigos on

may have to deploy the three amigos on

may have to deploy the three amigos on this one. I mentioned this last night.

this one. I mentioned this last night.

this one. I mentioned this last night. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of this four-year nightmare number two.

of this four-year nightmare number two.

of this four-year nightmare number two. The last 12 months have been it's like

The last 12 months have been it's like

The last 12 months have been it's like the whole world's trying to raise a

the whole world's trying to raise a

the whole world's trying to raise a toddler together. You want to see what

toddler together. You want to see what

toddler together. You want to see what he's done to us? This was GMO on the day

he's done to us? This was GMO on the day

he's done to us? This was GMO on the day Trump took office. [laughter]

Trump took office. [laughter]

Trump took office. [laughter] And look at him now. Look at that.

And look at him now. Look at that.

And look at him now. Look at that. [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> Still look pretty good.

>> Still look pretty good.

>> Still look pretty good. >> Yeah,

>> Yeah,

>> Yeah, >> he should worry more. And in honor of

>> he should worry more. And in honor of

>> he should worry more. And in honor of his anniversary, I invited President

his anniversary, I invited President

his anniversary, I invited President Trump to appear on our show tonight. FCC

Trump to appear on our show tonight. FCC

Trump to appear on our show tonight. FCC be damned. Unfortunately, um, his head

be damned. Unfortunately, um, his head

be damned. Unfortunately, um, his head was unavailable to talk, but we were

was unavailable to talk, but we were

was unavailable to talk, but we were able to book another part of his body.

able to book another part of his body.

able to book another part of his body. So, please welcome President Trump's

So, please welcome President Trump's

So, please welcome President Trump's badly bruised right hand, everybody.

badly bruised right hand, everybody.

badly bruised right hand, everybody. Hello. [cheering] Hello, President's

Hello. [cheering] Hello, President's

Hello. [cheering] Hello, President's Hand.

Hand.

Hand. >> Hello, America. It's me in the flesh.

>> Hello, America. It's me in the flesh.

>> Hello, America. It's me in the flesh. The rotting diseased flesh.

The rotting diseased flesh.

The rotting diseased flesh. >> Yes, I notice that huge black and blue

>> Yes, I notice that huge black and blue

>> Yes, I notice that huge black and blue you have on your hand.

you have on your hand.

you have on your hand. >> Oh, you can see that?

>> Oh, you can see that?

>> Oh, you can see that? >> Yeah. Well, yes, clearly I can see it.

>> Yeah. Well, yes, clearly I can see it.

>> Yeah. Well, yes, clearly I can see it. >> Hold on. Let me apply some subtle

>> Hold on. Let me apply some subtle

>> Hold on. Let me apply some subtle foundation. [laughter]

>> I just shellac this stuff on here.

>> I just shellac this stuff on here.

>> I just shellac this stuff on here. >> Uhhuh.

>> Uhhuh.

>> Uhhuh. >> Shellac. That's an oldfashioned word,

>> Shellac. That's an oldfashioned word,

>> Shellac. That's an oldfashioned word, but we love to say it, don't we, folks?

but we love to say it, don't we, folks?

but we love to say it, don't we, folks? >> We do love to say it. Yes. Okay. So, you

>> We do love to say it. Yes. Okay. So, you

>> We do love to say it. Yes. Okay. So, you just put cheese whiz on your hand, huh?

just put cheese whiz on your hand, huh?

just put cheese whiz on your hand, huh? >> Yeah. And then they powder me like a

>> Yeah. And then they powder me like a

>> Yeah. And then they powder me like a donut.

donut.

donut. >> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay. >> And bing bong bing. Sexiest hand alive.

>> And bing bong bing. Sexiest hand alive.

>> And bing bong bing. Sexiest hand alive. >> It looks great. You look great. And by

>> It looks great. You look great. And by

>> It looks great. You look great. And by the way, can the president hear us right

the way, can the president hear us right

the way, can the president hear us right now?

now?

now? >> No. No. No. He's in an extremely

>> No. No. No. He's in an extremely

>> No. No. No. He's in an extremely important meeting that requires deep

important meeting that requires deep

important meeting that requires deep concentration and laser focus.

concentration and laser focus.

concentration and laser focus. >> So, he's sleeping is what you're saying.

>> So, he's sleeping is what you're saying.

>> So, he's sleeping is what you're saying. >> That's right. He's sleeping like a baby

>> That's right. He's sleeping like a baby

>> That's right. He's sleeping like a baby hippo.

hippo.

hippo. >> Oh, yeah. Okay.

>> Oh, yeah. Okay.

>> Oh, yeah. Okay. >> Little baby.

>> Little baby.

>> Little baby. >> Okay. Well, if this isn't a good time,

>> Okay. Well, if this isn't a good time,

>> Okay. Well, if this isn't a good time, we could always

we could always

we could always >> Oh, no. No, no. This is the perfect

>> Oh, no. No, no. This is the perfect

>> Oh, no. No, no. This is the perfect time. Whenever he's taking a televised

time. Whenever he's taking a televised

time. Whenever he's taking a televised siesta, we usually have me sign some

siesta, we usually have me sign some

siesta, we usually have me sign some executive orders.

executive orders.

executive orders. >> Oh, all right. Okay. Now, [cheering]

>> Oh, all right. Okay. Now, [cheering]

>> Oh, all right. Okay. Now, [cheering] what may I ask? What did you just sign?

what may I ask? What did you just sign?

what may I ask? What did you just sign? A ban on hands gender for everyone. Did

A ban on hands gender for everyone. Did

A ban on hands gender for everyone. Did you say hands gender?

you say hands gender?

you say hands gender? >> Oh yeah. Your kid goes to school. All

>> Oh yeah. Your kid goes to school. All

>> Oh yeah. Your kid goes to school. All righty. They come home a lefty.

righty. They come home a lefty.

righty. They come home a lefty. Disgusting. Can't make this stuff up.

Disgusting. Can't make this stuff up.

Disgusting. Can't make this stuff up. >> Yeah. That's just

>> Yeah. That's just

>> Yeah. That's just >> It's snack time. Marco. Marco. Hot dog.

>> It's snack time. Marco. Marco. Hot dog.

>> It's snack time. Marco. Marco. Hot dog. Hot dog. Marco.

Call me Haitian cuz I love eating dogs.

Call me Haitian cuz I love eating dogs.

Call me Haitian cuz I love eating dogs. Now

Now

Now >> first impressive. Let's watch that down

>> first impressive. Let's watch that down

>> first impressive. Let's watch that down with a big beautiful diet mountain

with a big beautiful diet mountain

with a big beautiful diet mountain dough.

dough.

dough. >> I thought we decided we weren't going to

>> I thought we decided we weren't going to

>> I thought we decided we weren't going to talk about the cats eating you. Oh, wow.

talk about the cats eating you. Oh, wow.

talk about the cats eating you. Oh, wow. That is amazing. How was that possible?

That is amazing. How was that possible?

That is amazing. How was that possible? >> Nobody knows, Jimmy.

>> Nobody knows, Jimmy.

>> Nobody knows, Jimmy. >> Uh-huh.

>> Uh-huh.

>> Uh-huh. >> What I do know is the Trump

>> What I do know is the Trump

>> What I do know is the Trump administration has accomplished more

administration has accomplished more

administration has accomplished more than any other president in history,

than any other president in history,

than any other president in history, including Sleepy Joe and Abraham

including Sleepy Joe and Abraham

including Sleepy Joe and Abraham Lincoln. He was so gay.

Lincoln. He was so gay.

Lincoln. He was so gay. >> Tariffs so good. Inflation so low. We

>> Tariffs so good. Inflation so low. We

>> Tariffs so good. Inflation so low. We just had a fantastic jobs report.

just had a fantastic jobs report.

just had a fantastic jobs report. >> No, no, actually the tariffs have not

>> No, no, actually the tariffs have not

>> No, no, actually the tariffs have not been good and inflation is still very

been good and inflation is still very

been good and inflation is still very high and the jobs report was not

high and the jobs report was not

high and the jobs report was not fantastic.

fantastic.

fantastic. >> Maybe for human jobs, but for hand jobs

>> Maybe for human jobs, but for hand jobs

>> Maybe for human jobs, but for hand jobs so big. There are so many hand jobs. We

so big. There are so many hand jobs. We

so big. There are so many hand jobs. We got to beat them off.

got to beat them off.

got to beat them off. >> Okay. I thank you. You know what, Mr.

>> Okay. I thank you. You know what, Mr.

>> Okay. I thank you. You know what, Mr. President? I feel like you're trying to

President? I feel like you're trying to

President? I feel like you're trying to distract us from the fact that you still

distract us from the fact that you still

distract us from the fact that you still haven't released the Epstein files. When

haven't released the Epstein files. When

haven't released the Epstein files. When is that [cheering] when is that going to

is that [cheering] when is that going to

is that [cheering] when is that going to happen? Now, now, now we will release.

happen? Now, now, now we will release.

happen? Now, now, now we will release. There will be a full release as soon as

There will be a full release as soon as

There will be a full release as soon as everybody gets their hand jobs.

everybody gets their hand jobs.

everybody gets their hand jobs. >> Okay. Thank you. You know what? Thank

>> Okay. Thank you. You know what? Thank

>> Okay. Thank you. You know what? Thank you for your time, uh, President's Hand.

you for your time, uh, President's Hand.

you for your time, uh, President's Hand. This has been illuminating and we do

This has been illuminating and we do

This has been illuminating and we do appreciate it.

appreciate it.

appreciate it. >> Oh, anytime. Anytime. I'm well

>> Oh, anytime. Anytime. I'm well

>> Oh, anytime. Anytime. I'm well connected, by the way. You want to

connected, by the way. You want to

connected, by the way. You want to interview my friend Kankle?

interview my friend Kankle?

interview my friend Kankle? >> Well, you know, thanks.

>> Well, you know, thanks.

>> Well, you know, thanks. >> He's got big, beautiful bone spurs.

>> He's got big, beautiful bone spurs.

>> He's got big, beautiful bone spurs. >> Hey, thank you. Marco, more hot dogs.

>> Hey, thank you. Marco, more hot dogs.

>> Hey, thank you. Marco, more hot dogs. Well, we got a good one for you tonight

Well, we got a good one for you tonight

Well, we got a good one for you tonight >> from Tommy Li.

>> from Tommy Li.

>> from Tommy Li. >> Jackson White is here. We'll be right

>> Jackson White is here. We'll be right

>> Jackson White is here. We'll be right back with Martin Short. So, stick

back with Martin Short. So, stick

back with Martin Short. So, stick around.