Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

Hello and welcome to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.

If you can find a quiz that's bigger or fatter,

then we'll match it, and that's a promise.

A totally meaningless promise.

And have we got a special show for you tonight!

No, it's going to be pretty much business as usual.

But on the plus side, you won't have to talk to your family for

two hours, so not all bad. Right, let's meet tonight's teams.

One's young, funny and has his whole career ahead of him,

the other isn't and doesn't, it's Nish Kumar and Jonathan Ross!

I mean, that is harsh.

I mean, it might be true, but that is harsh.

We're a very progressive show,

so next up we have a team comprised entirely of women,

which I think is adorable.

It's Claudia Winkleman and Miranda Hart.

It's exciting! It's lovely to have you here.

And back together by whatever the opposite of popular demand is...

One's a totally unique, one-of-a-kind comedian

and the other is exactly the same.

It's Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!

Now, this show is basically like being back at school.

I mean, we're covering absolutely every topic you could imagine.

Were you any good at school, Bob?

Yeah, pretty good.

What was your best subject?

What were you good at? Well, my best subject was sports.

You've got such lovely skin, Jimmy.

Where did you get it?

Isn't it gorgeous? It is, it's like a petri dish.

Vic, were you any good at school? Yes, superb.

Superb? Excellent. Whatever comes up, you're going to be fine?

I know it all, yeah.

Pretty much. Very confident here.

Claudia, are you as confident?

No, I mean, I was bookish.

I worked hard, but I don't know anything.

Well, I'm the first word to say that I was rubbish at pretty much

everything at school.

Get me on the lacrosse pitch - different matter.

Nish, were you good at school?

I did really well in all my exams.

I did that instead of... # Kissing girls! #

Were you at a school for the hard of hearing?

Is that why...?

I went to school in a musical, Jonathan, you know?

Just every so often... Like High School Musical?

Like High School Musical, but with less sexual tension.

Jonathan, any recollection at all of your schooldays?

I came out of retirement for this!

But I went to school in the 1930s, as Jimmy has pointed out.

No, I mean, it was a kind of a fairly rough school.

I mean, I grew up in East London in the 1960s,

so it was pretty much my first day of school, you had free milk

and a knife, you know.

By the time I got to school, we had to buy our own milk and knives.

Yeah, unbelievable. That's Thatcher.

So, have you come up with a team name?

Yeah, we do, we're called The British Asians.

The British Asians? Yeah, a couple of British Asians.

I don't want to be that guy,

but it feels like one of you is more Asian than the other.

You see, this is the kind of bullshit

we have to put up with all the time!

This is the sort of prejudice...

This is not acceptable, Jimmy!

I'm furious about this.

Although you do have a point. Yeah. What's happening here is,

with the current atmosphere and political climate,

some ethnic minorities,

we talked about it at the secret meeting, I mean, nothing...

and we decided that in order to not get deported over the next sort of

couple of years, we've decided to spread rumours

that various beloved white celebrities

are in fact of ethnic minority descent.

Jonathan Ross - Indian, Mary Berry - Chinese,

Miranda Hart - more like Uganda Hart, cos that's where...

her great-uncle comes from.

Do not deport us, otherwise you'll be harming yourselves, Britain.

Nice. Have you got a team name?

We haven't thought of a team name. No. Well...

It was your only job!

No, I had a spray tan, I disagree with that.

I thought of Ladies Who Lunch, Breakfast, Dinner, Snack and Tea.

It's catchy. Yeah, it's catchy.

OK, Ladies Who Lunch Etc, that's what we've gone for.

Oh, what?!

NISH: I think that that's unfair. You spent a lot of time

coming up with a long team name. Jimmy, that's a micro-aggression.

I feel assaulted.

Vic, Bob, have you got a team name?

Strike Force. One. One.

You didn't see the "One" with much gusto. Strike Force ONE! One.

Why Strike Force One? We're both from military families.

Our grandparents and parents were both in the military.

They were both the Duke of Wellington.

Both our parents... Both your parents were the Duke of Wellington?

This doesn't bode well for the quiz.

Do you think you might win? No.

The fuck has Jonathan wandered off to?

I'm really sorry, because I had a problem earlier,

I've got to bring something out, because I couldn't leave it at home.

What?

Well, because, you see...

ALL: Awww!

Hello! You see, the thing is... You brought dogs!

Well, my wife's working and

I can't leave these two alone at home, because last time

I left them at home, Pickle did a shit on the dining room table,

so I thought I'd bring them on here.

Hello! You can't bring dogs on.

My nephew is meant to be dog-sitting and he's going to come here now

and get them, but I can't leave them on their own,

so I'm just going to have... Oh, that's so sweet.

That's not... Hey, this way.

How are they going to...? Come on, good boy.

Nish, you like dogs, don't you?

Er, yeah, I have one question - what the fuck is up with these dogs?

They're a bit chaotic.

NISH: Guys, I have very bad dog authority.

MIRANDA: I love dogs. Come on.

NISH: I can't keep the thing under control. Come here.

What are they called, Jonathan?

Sir Piglet and Professor Impy.

But why is he... The noise is really alarming.

The noise is not great. Nothing about them is great.

If you think the noise is bad, wait until the smell starts.

He's a good boy. And if anything happens, I've got bags.

I brought the bags with me. It's taking me somewhere!

Miranda... One of your dogs has kidnapped Miranda Hart!

Where is she off to?

I should have just got Miranda to dog-sit.

Good boy. Come here.

OK, on with the quiz, everyone.

First round is all about history. I'll be asking questions

about things that have happened

since the dawn of time anywhere to anyone.

So, that narrows it down a bit.

We know a lot about the ancient Egyptians.

Thanks to historians, we know what they ate.

Thanks to archaeologists, we know where they lived.

And thanks to The Bangles, we know how they walked.

Elizabeth I was known as the Virgin Queen, but like all Elizabethans,

she was partial to a bit of ruff.

Wow! Right, here's some questions about all of human history.

OK, first question, we go back to 1535.

King Henry VIII introduced a tax that was only payable by men.

He made himself exempt from the tax.

Of course he bloody did. What was the tax for?

Are you really starting this show with a question about tax?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. So, what was the tax for?

Second question, take a look at this footage from the 1940s.

All I want to know is, what is unusual about this tank?

MUSIC: Theme from The Great Escape

Jimmy, I studied history at university

and I'm getting all these right, so boom!

You studied history? I've got a degree in history.

Well, I imagine when you studied it,

there wasn't as much history to study.

Wow!

Wow, that's harsh.

I mean, you have a point.

That's the thing about history - it gets harder every day.

This is always a high point for The Big Fat Quiz -

the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School put on a school play.

Now, they're acting out a story from history.

All you've got to do is tell me,

what story are they acting out brilliantly here?

I am the bestest at this game!

Yay!

Bleep-bloop, I am a robot.

Ha-ha-ha, nobody can beat me.

Ready, steady, go.

Horse, go in the middle.

Bleep-bloop.

GASP!

Castle, move along a bit.

Bleep-bloop.

Oooh!

That's not fair, he cheated!

No, he is the champion.

Yay!

Bleep-bloop, I am a robot.

Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

Right, what were the children acting out there?

Nish, don't kill that dog. Nish is having a problem.

I'm just having a... Just bring him over with you.

Do you want to have one? You're better with dogs. Miranda, you take...

I'll try, but I struggle with... Look, it's wagging. You've got to pick him up from the...

They're top-heavy.

Miranda's got a dog, she's dog people.

Yeah, I'm a dog person.

Next question, what was unusual about the BBC Radio news bulletin

broadcast on the 18th of April 1930 at 8:45pm?

It was a full 15-minute news bulletin.

What was unusual? Radio? Yes. DOG PANTS LOUDLY

Because there was no television.

I know, but I just don't know what...

What do you think it is?

What? I'm feeding a bloody dog here! What's going on?

For our next question, it's over to Hollywood heart-throb Luke Evans.

Wow.

Hi, Jimmy. Having appeared in three of The Fast And The Furious films,

I know a thing or two about mayhem on the roads.

Take a look at this photograph from 1967 in Sweden.

What caused this chaos?

Have a look at this.

OK, what caused that chaos on the roads of Sweden?

When was it, Jimmy?

It was 1967 and you can see there, there's a Griggs,

which I imagine their version of Greggs.

Jonathan, it's missing you.

It is missing me. Come on, here.

Come on, you monster. They're monsters.

They're bloody lovely, is what they are.

Jimmy, are we talking about pets at the moment?

Yeah, we are talking about pets, it's that bit of the show.

Why, what unusual pets do you have?

Well, I don't know whether you'd call it a pet,

but I've got a woodlouse.

It's just at the base of me...

VIC: Neck.

..of, what's it, your mantelpiece, you know, where you have your fire.

Yeah. I don't suppose it's a pet, but we look out for it.

So, I don't know. We don't feed it. But we kind of do, it's our wood.

OK, all right, everyone. Some answers.

I asked you what tax Henry VIII introduced

that was only payable by men. What did you all get?

Let's go to Claudia and Miranda on this.

What do you think? Erm, a beard tax.

Not bread, beard.

Just, they look similar so I just wanted to be clear.

We didn't want anyone to panic.

OK, so a beard tax. Jonathan? We also...

We've got beard tax and I've drawn a little self-portrait of myself.

Wow, I didn't know you couldn't do art.

That's great, Nish. What are you talking about?

That's exactly what I look like. Look...

OK, fair enough. Vic, Bob?

Yeah, we got it.

We put "bears", for the LOLs.

For the ROFLs.

And then we put the D in just so you knew we were onto it.

But it could have been bears as well.

A tax on bears, just payable by men.

Yeah, maybe. Bears with beards.

They used to have that in the sort of freak show of the Victorian era,

they would have the bearded lady would actually be a shaved bear.

That's a weird fact from history.

Really? Yeah, and they'd missed a trick there, cos actually, the

good bit of that would be watching someone try to shave a bear.

Jimmy, where are you getting this nonsense from?

There is absolutely no truth in that whatsoever.

Absolutely true. Google that. No-one has ever shaved...

It's considerably easier to persuade a woman to put on a fake beard

than it is to find a bear, catch the bear,

shave the bear and then look after the bear.

That's the extraordinary-but-true thing about that fact.

Jimmy, if you shaved it, it would still look like a bear, not a woman.

No, I can't stay any longer.

If you're going to maintain that bears were shaved...

What are you doing, Jonathan? I'm going to go outside,

I'm going to shave my dogs and leave a little bit of beard

and you see if they look like ladies.

Oh, Jack's here. This is my nephew, Jack.

Jack!

Thank you, thank you. Good to see you. Take them.

OK, I showed you some footage of a tank from World War II.

What was unusual about the tank?

What have you got, Claudia, Miranda? Inflatable. Boom.

You knew this. Yeah. The second you saw it, you went,

"This rings a bell." I went, "That's inflatable."

No, my dad was in the Falklands War, he loves war stories,

and he told me about the inflatable tanks, deceiving the enemy.

Jonathan, Nish? We've gone with inflatable tank.

Yep, I believe it was the subterfuge

carried out by the British Government to trick German spies

into thinking we had more military equipment.

And they had fake things like an inflatable tank.

Awesome. OK, Vic, Bob?

Yes, if you watched the film,

it's got quite a floppy nose.

It has a floppy nose.

Rubber decoy, to tell more of a story,

more of a rounded story.

Rather than just "inflatable tank". Yes. Rubber decoy, much nicer.

Yeah. If you shave a tank, Jimmy, does it become a rabbit?

OK, you're all absolutely right, it was an inflatable tank.

Have a look, it's pretty good.

The extraordinary thing about that is, we won that war.

That's amazing. I think they all thought our men

were so incredibly strong they just gave up.

"They're lifting a bloody tank, those fellas!"

OK, you saw the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School

acting out a big news event from the past. What do you think it was?

NISH: OK, now,

while I was writing this,

one of the dogs sort of took over,

so that's why it's sort of looks like I've had

a nervous breakdown at the end.

What I was trying to write was

"Kasparov plays a computer at chess."

But what I've written is, "Kasparov ploy askfdaubr".

Which is close enough.

Which I think we can all agree is pretty good. Pretty good.

Claudia, Miranda, did you get this? Claudia wrote this one down.

By the way, how much do we love those children? Amazing.

They're wonderful. They're amazing. Yes, and we thought...

I was worried about the spelling.

Is it Kasparov or Kosper...?

She went Kosper.

I made her go Kaspar.

According to my card, which is bound to be right, Kasparov.

Kasparov. NISH: Yeah, but your card thinks that a bearded lady

was a shaved bear, Jimmy.

I'm not 100% sure you're not a bear.

Or a lady. I don't know.

Jimmy, do you sleep with bears?

Is this where the misunderstanding comes from?

I mean, I'm not going to say...

I'm not going to say never, but not up till now, no.

Can I just say, I would sleep with the bear.

NISH: What?

Why did you look at me when you said that? But wouldn't you?

It's like you're propositioning. I suddenly realised as I said it that everyone went,

"That's weird," so I looked at you to go, "Help me."

Oh. I think that's a brilliant idea and I would, too, Claudia.

VIC: I've slept with Bear Grylls and he was very tender.

Well, in which case, I'll sleep with a lion, please.

A lion? Yeah.

That's, I mean... Majestic, you could really lean on it,

you could have a good spoon with a lion.

BOB: I'll sleep with Martin, me woodlouse.

We'll watch Nickelodeon together, that's what we'll do.

OK.

I think you've all got this. Did you get this as well?

What did you write? Yes, we wrote,

"Computer beats Kasparov, chess, Russia."

OK, well, you all got that absolutely right.

It was 1997 and Garry Kasparov, the chess grandmaster,

was beaten by a computer.

OK, I asked you why the 8:45 BBC Radio news bulletin

18th of April 1930, was so unusual. What did you all put?

NISH: We have written the ten o'clock news.

Yeah, mistakenly, they gave you the news that hadn't happened yet. Yeah.

Vic, Bob, what have you got?

We said maybe it was the first one ever.

The first one ever?

It was not the first one ever, but that is a better guess than that.

OK, what have you guys got?

We... We're guessing. We were thrown.

OK, so what did you guess? I said someone burped.

Then I just wrote, "Help".

That's just to the audience, if anybody knows,

and then I also... There was a news bulletin

where there was no news.

The right answer. Ahhh! High five!

Yes, this is absolutely true.

On the 18th of April 1930, there was no news.

The newsreader simply said,

"There is no news," before playing piano music for 15 minutes.

Wow. You're very clever!

No, I thought... Ladies Who Etcetera!

We're all over it.

OK, Luke Evans asked you what was going on in this picture

taken in Sweden in 1967. What did you think?

NISH: We actually thought it was the opening of the first Ikea.

What else could it be? We just thought, you know,

there was an absolute, just, sort of, Swedish stampede.

Give us the point. Yeah, thank you very much, Jimmy. Uh, no.

OK, so, what have you put?

Well, isn't this when they decided that the cars would drive

on the other side of the road? Oh, yeah.

Vic, Bob, do you concur? We had the same answer, yes.

Yeah, they started driving on the right.

You're both absolutely right,

it was the day they changed which side of the road.

There was 157 accidents that day. Yeah, well done.

It could have happened on the same day. I don't regret that.

At the end of that first round, the scores are...

Jonathan and Nish have three,

and they're lucky to have three, frankly.

Vic and Bob have four.

Full marks for Claudia and Miranda with five.

Join us after the break

when one of you watching at home could win £1 million...

..if you've bought a lottery ticket.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything,

where we're mainly eating bananas!

LAUGHTER The Ladies Who Etc

living up to their team name. We just brought a lot of snacks.

Would you like one? I wouldn't say...

Don't give them to the enemy! LAUGHTER

Oh, they're sharing the potassium! Wow!

It is harder to catch a banana than I thought.

Sorry. Can you catch a banana?

Oh, yeah. You want to try? Yeah. CLAUDIA: Go on, let's play catch!

So when it was spinning in the air, that's what distracted me.

Yeah. Go on, then. OK.

ALL: Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jimmy, Jimmy! Sure.

CHEERING

Ow!

There was an unnecessary amount of anger in that.

LAUGHTER Jimmy, there was something

distinctly Terminator-like about the way you just snatched that apple

out of the air. He's like the T3.

LAUGHTER

This round is all about music and embraces all types of music,

not just modern chart stuff, but also the works of the greats -

Mozart, Bach and Beethoven,

who all wrote music for adverts.

Beethoven became a recluse after he went deaf.

Either that or he couldn't hear the door bell.

Metallica are the first and only band to have performed on all seven

continents. Europe, Africa, Asia,

Westeros, Mordor...

LAUGHTER

..Narnia and Guernsey.

There you go.

Right, time for some music questions. Here we go. First one.

Shania Twain's That Don't Impress Me Much

is a hateful abomination of a song. No! No, no, no!

LAUGHTER No! Unacceptable!

Leopard, desert... Sorry. You may be a...

This, yeah. You may be that... LAUGHTER

You may be... Yeah.

# That don't impress-a me. #

It's an amazing song.

What I want to know is... How dare you?!

..can you remember the four things that don't impress her much? Yes!

Deal with it.

I feel like the Ladies Who Lunch -

And Also Breakfast And Dinner And Snack -

are going to nail this. LAUGHTER

Ooh, sss touch.

# Doo-doo! #

# A may ba be lord Think it's all right. #

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah. You MAY have...

Ye-e-ah.

What does she sing about?!

Help me! Can I go and talk to them? No! You cannot go and talk to them.

Why?! They're my friends. No. They are not your friends.

Does anyone want Strictly tickets? No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes. OK. All right, so next up

I want to know which pop group were recruited

via an advert that read, "Macho types wanted, must have moustache."

Oh! Are you not giving us an era?

Well, it's The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything,

so it's since the dawn of time. LAUGHTER

That's the only clue I'll give you. Helpful, helpful, thank you.

And it's within this realm. Yeah. Thank you.

For our next question, it's ever to the Channel 4 News room, where Jon

Snow is reporting on a classic song. Ah.

Can you work out what he's reporting on?

Over to you, Jon. Questions have been raised over the safety of a new

artificial heart, after one transplant patient complained that

the prototype caused him to experience continuous and persistent

dull pain, and was liable to malfunction.

Speaking to Channel 4 News, the man said

that he regretted his decision to take part in a medical trial,

adding that his friends were all talking about what a fool he'd

been and frequently laugh and joke about him on the phone.

Surgeons, meanwhile, are in a desperate race to repair the heart,

with one expressing concern that there was now a very real risk that

it might blow up and kill this man.

Back to you, Jimmy.

LAUGHTER Thank you, Jon.

Over to you.

I thought he might ask a question.

LAUGHTER

Well, I said what pop song was he reporting on,

and that was the song he was reporting on.

But it wasn't a genuine report, Jimmy.

LAUGHTER

And you've encouraged us to treat it as such.

OK, ready. OK.

All right, Doctor Spin reached number six in the charts in 1992

with his catchy cover of the Tetris theme.

Have a listen.

MUSIC: Tetris by Doctor Spin

That's a good song.

All I want to know is, so Doctor spin had a hit with that,

all I want to know is, who's Doctor Spin?

Oh. I know this one, I know this one.

This is good, this is so good.

It's good, right?

It's good. Yeah. OK.

And for our last music question, over to Ore Aduba.

Hi, Jimmy. So, who doesn't love the Beatles?

Their 1967 album Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band has one

of the most iconic album covers of all time.

But apart from the band themselves, can your team's name three people

pictured on the sleeve?

Easy.

How many... Did you say... Three. You need three for the point. Three.

Three for the point, three people.

Yeah. OK, you ready for some answers? You got them?

I'm so nervous that I don't have all the answers

for number one, and then I can't go home.

But just go, "Eh, eh, eh, nyi, eh," and it's all good.

LAUGHTER

All right, I've got some answers for you.

All right, so I wanted to know

what four things didn't impress Shania Twain.

What have you got? We better go to Claudia for this.

Over to Claud. OK. Well, I'm a bit worried I don't have them all.

So she definitely went, "You may be Brad Pitt."

SHE GRUMBLES See? Brad Pitt.

OK, can you sing all of them, please?

Then the other one, "You might be a rocket scientist. Bleugh."

I suddenly changed, I wasn't Shania any more.

No, that's pretty good, yeah. OK, and then the third one? Third...

"You got a fast car. Eh-ee-hm."

Fast car. That was fast car.

Fast car, yeah.

LAUGHTER And then...

I'm confused. You've got three for three so far.

Yeah, but what about, "The moves, but have you got the touch?

And then I don't know the fourth one.

Well, do you want to hear? Yes.

What have you guys...? Hang on a minute.

Because we can back up exactly what Claudia just got. Ooh.

OK, so what did you put? Brad Pitt impression.

Yeah. Fast cars, a Y reg Cortina.

Correct, yeah. And then she goes... something like, "Shee-shnow."

Shitty snorkel. A shitty snorkel. LAUGHTER

And something like... # Cheap cuff links. #

He switches to cheap cuff links. Cuff links. Yeah.

Done.

A shitty snorkel? Shitty snorkel, yeah.

LAUGHTER

The one with the ping pong ball in the top.

It doesn't impress her.

We've got rocket scientist as well, haven't we?

OK, well, you were definitely right on rocket scientist and Brad Pitt.

And the car. What have you got? I hate to quote Gandhi when he was

speaking to Churchill, but the Asians do not agree. Yeah.

We... LAUGHTER

Firstly, I've written, "Hey, Jimmy," at the top.

Welcome. Friendly. Two little musical notes.

And then we've just gone with your classics.

Number one, laser pointers. Two, gluten intolerance.

She definitely said she was not impressed with him saying he was

glucose intolerant.

Number three, ex-Coventry City footballer Dion Dublin.

Number four... LAUGHTER

Number four, shaved bears. Shaved bears. Shaved bears.

APPLAUSE

OK. I mean, that is... You know what?

If you're going to get it wrong, you might as well get it wrong.

OK, well, shall we have a listen? Let's have a listen.

# Oh-oh

# You think you're special

# Oh-oh

# You think you're something else

OK, so you're a rocket scientist?

# That don't impress me much

OK, so you're Brad Pitt?

OK, so you got a car?

OK, so what, do you think you're Elvis or something?

# That don't impress me much. #

APPLAUSE

She is surprisingly hard to impress, isn't she? Yeah.

It's Elvis! If you're Elvis or Brad Pitt, nuh-huh.

I think we were,

we were actually referring to the, er, extended remix.

When she's like...

# Oh-oh, gluten intolerance

LAUGHTER # Oh-oh, Dion Dublin

# Oh-oh, that's not a bearded lady That's a shaven bear

# That don't impress me much. #

How long would the remix have to be before she got to Dion Dublin?

Oh, it was hours. Absolutely... Too long.

Most of 1996 was that song.

Gluten wasn't invented before 2005.

Ahead of her time! Yeah.

We met Brad Pitt once.

Did you? In a pub in London. Yes.

And we asked him how many murders there were in the film Seven.

LAUGHTER He took it really well.

No, genuinely true.

And he took it really well and told us there was six.

LAUGHTER Apparently there

are technically six. You got three out of the four,

so we're going to give you a point now, I think,

Claudia, because otherwise I think your self-esteem would plummet.

Have you given us a point?

I think we have given you a point, you got two.

And the Asians, James?

LAUGHTER

Nothing. As Churchill said to Gandhi.

LAUGHTER

OK, I asked you what pop group was recruited from an advert that said,

"Macho types wanted, must have moustache."

What did you all put? Well, we disagreed.

I'm pretty sure it was Steps.

Yeah. I was pretty confident it was the Village People.

But you so love the Village People,

that's the answer to almost every question.

Yeah, that is the ultimate answer, in absolute fairness.

That was going to be number five for Shania Twain.

Either the Village People or Steps. Either the Village People or Steps.

Claudia, Miranda, what did you put?

Well you went with Five All Rise. Just because I love that song.

"All rise. All rise."

That's, er, that's a song by Blue. That's Blue.

LAUGHTER

I went for Five cos I really like that Blue song.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. We also put Take That - Never Forget, cos I like that one.

# Never forget where you're coming from

# Never forget That it's all real

# Ooh! #

LAUGHTER We don't know.

No.

What did you, Vic, Bob?

Simon and Garfunkel.

LAUGHTER

Simon and Garfunkel. Which pop group was recruited from an advert that

said, "Macho types wanted..."

LAUGHTER

"Macho types wanted?" Yeah, Simon and Garfunkel. Simon and Garfunkel.

Who would you say is the more macho, Simon or Garfunkel?

Garfunkel. Garfunkel. Easy.

Gar... He'll have you, he'll lamp you, Garfunkel.

He's got a temper, hasn't he?

He has. Oh, he has got a temper.

We met him once and had a right old good punch-up.

LAUGHTER

We tore it up with him.

There you go.

Well, Jonathan, Nish, you have got this absolutely right.

That was the original advert that cast the Village People.

Yes. Aw! Yes!

Take a look at them in action.

# It's fun to stay at the

# YMCA

# It's fun to stay at the

# YMCA

# You can get yourself clean

# You can have a good meal

# You can do whatever you feel. #

APPLAUSE What an amazing song.

That is an amazing song.

An amazing song, isn't that?

Yeah. You saw Jon Snow reporting on a famous song.

What was it? We've tried to cover...

Options. ..many bases.

We thought it sounded...

I thought it sounded a bit Eminem.

Explode, boom!

Destruction. LAUGHTER

That dark period, yeah. In a desert.

Yeah. Then, cos he's my favourite, we just wrote Manilow.

Manilow. So you just write down things you like?

That's often a good idea in a quiz.

And then... You're not making a playlist.

And then Stormzy. Stormzy was a more educated guess.

Vic, Bob. It's tricky.

Did you want the artist or the song title?

Or neither.

Then we've done good.

OK, so what have you got?

Heartache, It's A Heartache

by Bonnie Tyler.

LAUGHTER

No and no.

We think it might be Achy Breaky heart and then

next to it I've drawn a little picture of a heart that is both

aching and broken.

LAUGHTER

Let's go back over to Jon Snow for the answer.

# Don't tell my heart My achy breaky heart

# I just don't think he'd understand

# And if you tell my heart My achy breaky heart

# He might blow up and kill this man

# Ooh. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You get a point for that. It was Achy Breaky Heart

by Billy Ray Cyrus.

Bob and me were on holiday when this came out

and we were in separate rooms in a hotel

and we both saw it on Top Of The Pops.

Do you remember? Yeah.

And we loved the song so much, we were in Cornwall,

and we walked to the furthest point...

That's right, yeah. ..and shouted to Billy to send his record over to us.

LAUGHTER We did.

We genuinely did. "Billy! Please send over your hit record!"

Cos we couldn't get it in the record shop.

Because we were on the west coast, so...

theoretically it could've come from America and we...

He could've spun it.

I do remember that, Jim, yeah. Yeah.

LAUGHTER I do remember that.

Next, I asked you who Doctor Spin was.

What did all you think? Lord Lloyd Webber.

Andrew Lloyd Webber. Lord?

Miranda said that, she knew it!

Yeah. Well, you're absolutely right, yeah.

APPLAUSE Is that right?

Andrew Lloyd Webber, yeah.

What did you put?

I guessed Lloyd Webber.

I said, I think I have some memory this is Andrew Lloyd Webber

and Nish said no. I said absolutely not.

There's no way that he would debase himself in this way.

And I believed it was the work of a then unknown novelist

called JK Rowling. LAUGHTER

I've drawn a little lightning bolt next to it

so you know it's Harry Potter, Jimmy.

Vic, Bob, what have you got? Lloyd Webber. Lloyd Webber.

And his band was called Hot Tits, we think.

LAUGHTER

I mean, yeah, it was Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yeah.

When that gets out, they're going to take his knighthood away, I presume.

That is a good tune. The Tetris music is a good tune.

There was a lot of those things around at that time, weren't there?

I remember when Game Boys first came out and I give you one.

Do you remember? Did you?

And then you let me play on your Tetris. Yeah.

But then you decorated it,

you customised it by covering it with acorns.

A perfectly good Game Boy and you glued acorns onto it.

I made it look better and it still worked.

Well, that's debatable. And it means you could play it in the woodland...

in camouflage and no-one can see what you're doing.

They just think that you're playing with a handful of acorns.

Ore Aduba wanted to know if you could name the people from

the Beatles' Sgt Pepper album. Now, could you?

Yes. You seem very confident in this. We know...

So who have you got? Diana Dors, Karl Marx

and Bob Dylan. Carl Jung was on the cover as well.

Tony Curtis, I think, as well.

Tony Curtis was, yeah.

A doll with a Rolling Stones T-shirt, that was on there as well.

Nish Kumar, he was on there.

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Who have you got? Claudia, Miranda?

I wrote Oliver Hardy.

Diana Dors. Oscar Wilde. Oscar Wilde.

We're worried about Oliver Hardy, but I'm sure he was on there.

You're three on three. Yes!

All of them right. And Vic and Bob, what have you got?

Karl Marx again.

Buddy Holly. Buddy Holly and Marilyn Monroe.

There was no Buddy Holly.

No! I think there is.

Well, I mean, there it is.

Have a look. Where is he? Where do you think Buddy Holly is?

Where's Buddy then, Jim? Oh, I don't know. He's on there somewhere.

LAUGHTER

Now it's time for a special bonus round.

I'm going to show you three iconic album sleeves that have all been

subtly improved. All you need to do is tell me what the album is.

So, one at a time here. Here's the first one.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes. I need the artist and the name of the album.

Oh. OK, OK.

All right, so, next one, let's have a look.

LAUGHTER Nice.

Yeah. That's right.

Yeah. It is. Good, Claudia.

I think that's the name of the album.

OK, and the last one.

Ooh!

LAUGHTER

Sorry, I don't know what the audience are laughing at there.

Ah! Here we go.

It was not an angry crow.

LAUGHTER

Ah! OK, so the first one, what did you get for the first one?

Let's have a look. OK, so you got... Blondie, Parallel Lines.

Parallel Lines. Yes, we got that. Blondie, Parallel Lines,

you got that, OK. My first album. Everyone got that.

Blondie, Parallel Lines.

Let's have a look. Was that your first album? Mm-hm.

OK, and Claudia, Miranda, I'm interested in your answer

to the next one. Who do you think it is? I thought it was Phil Collins,

and I thought the album was So, but it might be...

You thought he'd recorded Peter Gabriel's album So?

LAUGHTER

I was trying! Which album did you go with?

We have gone with No Jacket Required,

but we've written it in sort of a cool modern way, so it's No JKT RQD.

LAUGHTER OK, what did you go for?

Phil Collins with Just Phil.

LAUGHTER

Which is a better answer, but not correct.

You got it absolutely right, Jonathan and Nish.

No Jacket Required! CHEERING

OK, Vic, Bob, what was last one?

Britney Spears with...

Baby Beetroot.

LAUGHTER

The Grinch! That was as near as we could get.

What did you get, Claudia, Miranda?

We don't know, but we didn't... Hit Me Baby One More Time,

but we think that's probably not the title of the album.

You could have that though, it's... One More Time was the answer.

Did you get this? We've gone Baby One More Time.

Well, we will give you that one as well. You've got three for three.

APPLAUSE Three for three.

You got two. And you've got one.

All right, let's have a look at the scores. Let's see what that's done.

OK, well I can tell you, Vic and Bob have eight,

Jonathan and Nish have nine.

In the lead, Claudia and Miranda with 12.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join us after the break to help validate our sense of self-worth.

See you then.

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz of Everything,

our next round is Film & TV and it's a proper subject these days.

Some people have degrees in Film & TV,

and we call those people waiters.

LAUGHTER

The first children's programme in Britain

was called Muffin The Mule...

LAUGHTER

It was a more innocent time.

Now, of course, Muffin The Mule is the name of a drug smuggler

who brings cocaine from South America up her chimmichanga.

LAUGHTER

OK, time for some questions. All right, Film & TV.

Take a look at these rattled people leaving a cinema

on Boxing Day, 1973.

What classic movie have they been to see?

It's really gross. I want to see if it's going to make me throw up.

I'm not going back in there.

It didn't scare me, I just... I don't know what happened.

I just fainted.

That is one of the most grossest movies in the world.

It is. I ain't never took my coat and put it on my face like that.

I passed out... You did? ..in about the first half-hour, yeah.

OK, so what film did they go and see in 1973?

OK, James Bond has seduced 55 women over the years,

including several with very suggestive names.

All I want you to do is name three of them.

So three Bond girls with ludicrously suggestive names.

That is Roger Moore there, so...

LAUGHTER

The girls' names, it is suggestive, I believe you said.

Suggestive, yeah, the slightly...

I can't just write down...

The double entendres. But with your "ahem" thing,

you can make anything sound suggestive.

GRUFF: Hello, I'm Lucy.

LAUGHTER

Can you make me a martini?

You know James Bond wasn't a pirate, yeah?

LAUGHTER

OK. Cliff Richard, Prince Charles, Cilla Black,

Patrick Stewart and Girls Aloud's Sarah Harding

have all appeared in which TV show? GRUFF: Yes!

We got it.

Next, it is over to the master of magic, Dynamo.

Hi, Jimmy. My all-time favourite superhero is He-Man,

AKA Prince Adam of Eternia

who turned into He-Man after casting a spell.

But can your teams remember the magic words he used?

He-Man? Yes.

His enemy is my fashion icon.

Skeletor? Of course.

HE LAUGHS VERY LOUDLY

Why is Skeletor your fashion icon?

Pirate, Goth, slept in a skip, angry!

LAUGHTER

Back in the early days of Channel 4, some movies were broadcast

with this red triangle on the screen.

What did it mean?

Right, you ready for answers? OK, here's the answers.

You saw some people looking upset on the streets of America in 1973,

what had got them in a tizz?

The Exorcist. The Exorcist.

The Exorcist. All absolutely right,

they had just come out of The Exorcist.

APPLAUSE There she is.

The story of a typical teenage girl.

She's moody, bad skin, swears at her mum.

LAUGHTER

Probably just a phase.

I asked you if you could name three Bond girls with suggestive names.

How did you do?

Claudia and Miranda, what did you put?

Pussy Galore, the classic. Pussy Galore, yeah, that's one.

And then we had a bit of a mental blank.

You've got to do it suggestively.

GRUFF: May Day.

LAUGHTER

I didn't say pirate, I said suggestively.

It is suggestive. SUGGESTIVELY: May Day.

We got lost and then...

Doctor Christmas. Doctor Christmas.

Oh, good. Oh, yeah.

I mean they are all Bond girls,

they're not maybe as suggestive as we could have hoped.

They are. We can do it better.

Take your clothes off.

BOTH: Doctor Christmas.

LAUGHTER

OK, you can have the points for that.

What about you, Vic, Bob, did you get it?

BOTH: Pussy Galore.

Lucy Quim. Quimble!

LAUGHTER

Lucy Quimble.

Rosy Arses.

LAUGHTER

Rosy Arses?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, I mean, Pussy Galore is the only one you got right there.

Jonathan, Nish, I imagine you got...

We got Pussy Galore, we got Xenia Onatopp.

Oh, fabulous. That was a good one. And we got Ivanta Lickadick,

which I'm not sure which film she was in,

but she was definitely one of them.

Xenia Onatopp is very good from Goldeneye,

Pussy Galore, obviously, from Goldfinger.

Could have also had Doctor Molly Warmflash...

LAUGHTER

That's from The World Is Not Enough.

Rosy Arses suddenly seems all the more plausible.

LAUGHTER

My name is James Bond.

James Bond.

You must be Rosy Arses.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear.

I asked you where Cliff Richard, Prince Charles, Cilla Black,

Patrick Stewart and Sarah Harding had all appeared, what show?

Royal Variety Show!

The Royal Variety Show?

Yeah. No. Patrick Stewart has never done the Royal Variety Show.

So close, I think we should get a point for a really good answer.

It's a bloody good answer. It is a bloody good guess, is what it is.

Vic and Bob, what show?

We didn't know. Cash In The Attic.

LAUGHTER

It's a show that we watch together in the afternoons, and we enjoy it.

We've hedged this one,

we've gone Coronation Street, and/or Embarrassing Bodies.

LAUGHTER

I can tell you that one of those is correct.

What?! Yes! BOTH: Embarrassing Bodies!

LAUGHTER

Wrong. You get a point there for Coronation Street.

Thank you. They have all been in that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shall we treat ourselves to Patrick Stewart in Corrie?

This is from 1967,

this is Patrick Stewart in Coronation Street,

and I would say he has not aged a day.

This is his debut on television.

Leave that alone, sir, we'll see to that.

Is there anybody else in the house? No, it is only me.

Right, Bailey, Take the bathroom upstairs.

You'd better bring the hose reel.

Aye, well, it looks a bit of a mess to be sure,

but then you've had a fire, you know.

Where is all the carpets and that?

We took them outside to see to them, they are safe enough now,

but you wouldn't want them back in here

in the condition they are in.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He looks the same. Amazing.

OK. Dynamo asked you for the powerful incantation

that turned Prince Adam of Eternia into He-Man.

What did you get?

It had something to do with Greyskull.

And he said something like unleashed...

Let's go. Something.

But the main point was it was Greyskull.

I mean that's one word in it, but I don't think we can give you that.

Vic and Bob you are much closer.

What, hickory, dickory dock?

LAUGHTER

Sorry. My mistake. Much, much further away.

By the power of grey squirrels.

That's it! That's it! We've got it.

BOTH: By the power of Greyskull.

Shall we have a look? Let's have a look.

Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me

the day I held aloft my magic sword and said,

"By the power of Greyskull!

"I have the power!"

We need a point for that!

The answer was, "By the power of Greyskull, I have the power."

You don't get a point. I think you get a point for Greyskull.

You got the meat and the bones of it.

We knew all of it. We got all of it.

OK. I wanted to know what the red triangle

that used to play on Channel 4 meant.

We've put adult content, (dicks and fannies, etc.)

They used to show sexy stuff late at night,

and they would put that on to warn timid viewers away

or to lure in those who were looking for

that kind of hot action.

Claudia and Miranda, what have you got?

Sex.

Big sex.

And then we just put hazards in case I was wrong.

It wasn't a Highway Code question, but it's good to cover the bases.

LAUGHTER

Vic and Bob? Filthy, dirty, sexy, juicy nonsense.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alert!

Warning!

Don't you feel like they'd be excellent names for new dwarfs?

LAUGHTER

Well, I think points all round for that.

Basically, it meant that it was content

that might offend some viewers,

could contain nudity, basically meant worth a watch.

It wasn't that mucky, was it, though?

It wasn't that mucky, but by the standards of the time,

I suppose it was a bit muckier than anything else that was on TV.

But we all stayed up, didn't we?

Oh, God, yes.

For weeks.

LAUGHTER

OK, time for another quick bonus round.

We have asked one of Britain's most distinguished actors, Charles Dance,

to read a selection of online film reviews from Internet users,

all you need to do is work out

what the films are that he's talking about.

OK. Here is the first one.

I've never seen penguins dance.

This propaganda film is meant to deprive us of tuna.

It is forced brainwashing for some UN secret agenda of mind control.

One star.

LAUGHTER

What is that a review of? Tough one.

I fancy Charles Dance.

Yeah, me too.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's have a look at your answers.

Claudia, Miranda, what did you put?

Happy Feet. Well, that makes sense.

What did you put, Jonathan and Nish? We put Happy Feet.

What did you put?

BOTH: Penguin Express.

LAUGHTER

It was Happy Feet.

Let's take a look at the next one.

Very misleading title.

None of him is made of iron.

Three stars.

Are we stuck together?

No, I like it. Stay close.

Our trousers are stuck together.

LAUGHTER

Have you all got something? Yeah. Let's have a look.

Iron Man. Iron Man.

Iron Man. You all got that.

Oh, it was right.

APPLAUSE

Way too easy. Yeah.

OK, final one, have a look at this review.

Not a classic.

A boy drinks wolf milk and the baby elephant had a haircut like a man.

One star.

LAUGHTER

They used to put elephants with male haircuts into freak shows

in Victorian times.

LAUGHTER

Let's have a look and see if you all got that,

I'm presuming you all did.

We've put The Jungle Book,

and just to hedge our bets, or Iron Man II.

LAUGHTER

And you've got... Jungle Book.

BOTH: Yeah.

LAUGHTER

You panicked there, Bob. I really did.

Points all round. Let's have a look

and see what that's done to the scores.

I can tell you in last place, Vic and Bob with 13 points.

Jonathan and Nish have 18,

in the lead, Claudia and Miranda with 21.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join us after the break, when, like Schordinger's cat,

we might cease to exist. See you then.

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.

Our next round is about science and technology.

Just think, without the leaps in computing made possible by Babbage,

Turing and Tim Berners-Lee,

we wouldn't be able to play Candy Crush in the toilets at work.

Thomas Edison invented the light bulb in 1878.

Begs the question - when he first had the idea,

what lit up above his head?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, time for the Big Fat science questions.

First, take a look at these children in 1934,

taking a lesson on how to properly use a telephone.

Hello, Jean, is that you? I'm just learning how to use a telephone.

Hello, Charlie, come up and see me sometime.

Hello, Ken, don't forget you were going to take me to the

cricket match.

Sorry, I can't come out today, I've got to mind the baby.

Give me Oxon 1111 and look sharp about it too 'n all.

Wow. That's children learning how to use the phone in 1934.

The first ever telephone call was in 1876. What was said?

Yes! Good.

All got something?

Next I want to know what online service was created after

Jennifer Lopez wore this dress in the year 2000.

It's, like, an app like Instagram?

Yeah, a bit like that, yes. Like a function.

When you hear it you will go, "Oh, yes, that makes sense."

What do you mean hear it? Has it got a noise? Like a ping?

No, when I tell you what it is, when I tell you the answer. OK.

Oh, she's off.

No, she's gone, we've lost her. No, I found a bit of food. She's snacking.

Got some star mix, anyone? We've got some traditional Asian snacks.

Really? We can share with you. Yeah. Prawn cocktail Skips.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah!

You all thought it was going to be...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's on you. You all thought it was going to be onion bhajis.

No, British Asians like skips as well, you goddam racists.

OK, have a look at this incredibly important scientific artefact.

What I want to know is, what is it?

Underneath the three cloches there is a silver object. What is it?

We all use it everyday.

Next question.

If you needed to grow 3% taller without having to do anything,

where would you go?

Write it down. Do you know that?

Cos I'm going with shoe shop.

A shoe shop. You think it might be shoe shop.

I am trying to stop her writing shoe shop. Guys. Can I have a skip?

Do you want a Monster Munch? Yeah, I do. This is amazing.

What Monster Munch flavour? Roast beef. Do you guys want some crisps? AUDIENCE: Yes!

They just feel like we're mocking them by eating

so many snacks in front of them. I know.

Traditional British Asian snacks,

they probably haven't tried these before. Yeah, exactly.

Though skips might be a little bit spicy for some of them.

OK, so, here are some answers.

I asked you what was said on the very first telephone call.

We think we know it.

Something very similar to, can you come into my room?

Claudia, Miranda?

We went with, "Can you hear me?"

"Mother."

Jonathan?

We thought it was, "Can you come in here please?" or you also thought it might be...

I thought it might be, "Have you ever been mis-sold PPI?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK. Alexander Graham Bell rang his assistant, Thomas Watson,

and said, "Mr Watson, come here, I want to see you."

So I think it was a booty call.

So, I think points there.

I think points there. No. OK.

I asked you if you knew what online service was invented after J-Lo was

snapped in this dress at the Grammys in the year 2000.

Claudia and Miranda, what did you put?

Google Images. Ah! Yeah.

I'm going to give you that, it's Google Image Search. That function.

Yeah, Google Images. Google Images, yeah. Sorry, I said that wrong.

I have to say Jonathan did get it right, he said Google Image Search.

I thought it might either be Tinder or Ask Jeeves.

He very confidently went, "Ask Jeeves." I said, "What would you ask Jeeves?"

Because people are like, "What is that dress?" Ask Jeeves.

Ask Jeeves about it!

Yeah, it was Google Image, so you got it, and you got it,

what did you...?

Hashtag of course.

We thought it would be like "hashtag that dress."

It was the first time people wanted to all talk about something.

Hashtag wrong.

OK. Then I showed you this and I asked you what it was.

Did you all get it?

Yes. Jonathan!

No, this was Nish.

Cos you said it's... You said it's something we use every day and he said that and I went,

"What, every day?" He went, "Yeah, I don't judge."

I didn't realise this was the Big Fat Quiz Of Judging Peoples' Lifestyles.

Nish, what's a butt plug?

It's probably easiest if he shows you.

If your butt is the hole here, and then you just get a little plug

and you just go...

"Beep!" And charge your phone up? Yeah!

So we've got butt plug and what's the other one?

We thought maybe an atomic wave or something very...

Cos you said it is something we use every day and it is something really rare.

Yeah. Claudia and Miranda, what was the...?

I don't know what it is, but you said you used it every day.

Good diversion. And you think? Well, you said... I'm blaming you on this.

You went, "Scissors."

Vic and Bob? Kilogram, obviously.

It's the right answer. That is THE kilogram. Wow.

APPLAUSE

OK. Where would you go if you wanted to be 3% taller?

Miranda knows this.

Well, I think I've read this somewhere and I don't know

if I've got the right planet.

OK, what do you think?

Jupiter? Wrong.

Oh, I'm really sorry!

What have you got, Vic and Bob?

BOTH: The moon, of course.

LAUGHTER

The "of course." I mean, there's a lot of...

Yeah. Yeah. So? And?

Technically, Jonathan and Nish have got this right. You put...?

Space. Outer space. Outer space is the right answer.

The Moon we will give you, Jupiter, no. What? It's in space.

Come on. It's got a lot of gravity, you would be tiny on Jupiter.

Not if you'd been to the shoe shop first.

Time now for some science, say what you see.

We've got three of them.

All you need to do is look at the pictures and tell me

what moments from the world of science they are spelling out.

A point for each one. Let's go one at a time. First one.

Say what you're seeing. OK. Sssh! Yugh.

That's it, that's it. Nish, we've got it. We have got it. Great.

There's a great sense of achievement.

I find these very, very pleasing. Yes. OK.

What have you got, Vic and Bob?

Nose mailbox on Mars.

Nose mailbox gift on Mars.

OK, very, very close.

Claudia and Miranda, what did you get?

Nose Queen presents switch arses.

Jonathan, Nish?

We got water present on Mars.

They discovered water on Mars. That's the right answer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was all Ross.

That means you are currently one ahead of these two, you are in the lead.

OK, next one. Say what you see.

What is that? A newt.

What is it? No.

It's not a...

OK, all right. Did you get this one?

Yeah. We did. We got...

SHE LAUGHS

What did you put?

Animal weight disc...

LAUGHTER

..bed gravy and then tea.

Did you get this, Jonathan and Nish?

Yeah. Newton discovered gravity. Nish all over that.

Let's go to Vic and Bob, did you get this one?

Newton discovers gravity, of course!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next one, OK.

Last one of these.

Yes. Go on, Nish.

Nish! Come to our side.

You need Nish on your team, he just... What is that?

OK? Right, everyone, have you written down something?

Vic and Bob, what have you got?

The Wright brothers, first manned flight, obviously.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You've only bloody done it.

Miranda, did you get this? Yeah, we got it.

LAUGHTER

Not a cocking clue.

What did you get, Jonathan and Nish?

We wrote Wright brothers' first manned flight, of course!

APPLAUSE

Points, points, no points.

All right, let's take a look at the scores.

Vic and Bob have got 21.

Claudia and Miranda have 23, but in the lead,

Jonathan and Nish with 26.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join us after the break. See you, then.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything.

Our next round is all about people.

We don't exactly know how Tutankhamun died,

but judging from all those bandages,

it must have been one hell of an accident.

Apple founder Steve Jobs changed the world forever.

It's difficult to imagine now,

but before the invention of the iPhone in 2007,

it was almost impossible to watch pornography on a bus.

In 2017, Victoria Beckham was awarded an OBE

for her services to fashion,

and a six-month suspended sentence for her services to music.

OK, ready for more questions? Yes. Yes. Bring 'em.

So, people questions.

This is respected theatre critic Kenneth Tynan,

who in 1965 became the first man to do what?

Of course!

OK, have a look at this picture.

This is Mary Sawyer from Sterling, Massachusetts.

In 1816 she became the talk of the town,

and her story is still regularly told to this day.

Who is she? Ready for this?

Oh, got to say it quietly, otherwise they'll hear.

Oh, if that's true, that is absolutely extraordinary.

It is true, because she was a bear, and then what they did...

This guy has got it.

APPLAUSE

OK, next up, currently starring in the West End production

of Glengarry Glen Ross, Christian Slater has a question for you.

Hi, Jimmy. When I was in Interview With A Vampire,

I really brushed up on my knowledge of the undead.

My favourite has to be the original Dracula,

with his plethora of supernatural abilities.

But can your teams remember three of his powers?

That's not Christian Slater.

That's Jimmy in a pair of fucking glasses!

We couldn't get Christian, I thought I'd improvise.

OK, take a look at this young Elvis impersonator, performing in 1991.

All I want to know is, who is it?

# Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

# And you ain't no friend of mine

# Whoo, whoo-hoo-hoo... #

I think I might have a slight advantage here, Jimmy.

Why? It's not you, Jonathan.

No, but am I right in thinking I might have a slight advantage?

You might, but you know what,

if you remember anything from the '90s, we'd be amazed. OK.

Take a look at this portrait we've commissioned.

It comprises three very famous faces.

All you need to do is work out which three faces are they?

OK, you get a point if you get all three correct.

So, it's someone's hair, someone's eyes, someone's chin.

OK. Have you all got something? Yeah.

Here we go, then. First up, I asked you

what Kenneth Tynan became the first person to do in 1965.

What did you all say? Fuck off. What, sorry? Fuck off.

What?! That's what we were saying.

He was the first person to ever say that F word on television.

It's the right answer.

Vic, Bob? Said the F word, fuck, on TV.

He said the F word, and then you've written fuck as well?

Thank you, that's the attention to detail we expect from you two.

We also said first time the F bomb was dropped,

but we think we've contextualised this,

because we think he snarted beforehand,

and that's when it happened. Snarted?

When you sneeze and fart at the same time.

So he snarted, he went... SNEEZES, FARTS

"Oh, fuck!" And that became an historic moment.

Yeah, absolute right.

Kenneth Tynan was the first person to say fuck on TV in 1965.

Did you know who Mary Sawyer was?

Yeah, I absolutely know. She did something amazing.

She did something amazing...

Possibly with an animal.

I mean, a lot of the time

I like quite a specific answer to a question.

Yeah, we go generic. Rather than a vague area.

Sometimes we just go, bear with us, like,

don't get into specific details, like where's the mustard?

She did something amazing. Tick. Point. Have a good weekend.

Vic, Bob, I imagine you got this. We think, abducted by alien.

You think she was abducted by an alien?

Yeah. That's quite a passive thing to have been involved in.

OK, Jonathan, Nish, what have you got?

This is your thing. I think that she, when she was a girl,

took her pet lamb to school and it caused a furore

and they wrote a nursery rhyme about her.

I think she is the Mary of what had a little lamb fame.

That is the exact right answer. Oh, my God! That's amazing.

Why are you high-fiving?

Why? Whoa, whoa! They high-fived because they got it right.

Why did you high-five? Because we got it right.

We weren't going to get into specifics,

remember the mustard conversation? Did something amazing,

possibly with an animal. Tick.

I feel like they got it. Thank you.

They did... They did not get it!

It's Mary Had A Little Lamb. Yes. It's very specific.

That's our point. A lamb is an animal!

No points, no points, point.

All right, Christian Slater asked if you knew

three of Dracula's superpowers.

Vic and Bob, did you know?

Well, can we firstly say that we really liked this question,

didn't we, Jim? We really enjoyed it, yeah.

Thank you very much, Christian. Thank you.

Fly, we reckon.

He could fly. Fly.

Hypnotise people, we think.

And we think... Maybe heat stuff up?

Really quick, though.

Without an oven.

What, like a microwave?

Yeah, like that.

You know, like, if you had a coffee or tea and it was cold,

and he just... "Come here.

"I am the count.

"I am the Count Dracula."

Claudia and Miranda, what did you get?

Immortal. Immortal, yeah.

That's not a power. That's not a power.

That's just... That's just what he is.

No, that's a power. You might as well have said, weird man.

I mean, it is not a power.

He'd be a weird man being mortal, wouldn't he?

Immortal man. It would be a power.

But if he gets hit by the sun, he explodes, doesn't he?

Yes. He's not immortal.

Yes, he get killed by garlic and stuff, doesn't he?

"I am the cunt. I don't die!"

Oh, not garlic, you cunt!

That doesn't work. That's not right. That's going too far.

So what else do you have? You had immortality, what else?

Leader of bats.

Yeah. I think I can give you that.

That's a good power. He has dominion over bats and wolves, yeah.

All he has to do is, like... And they follow him. What else?

I think invisible or can zoom down...

And then you've written another thing. Shape shifter.

You've got three of them right. Well done.

What did you get, Jonathan?

We put shape shifting. Yeah.

We put, we thought he could read minds.

And then we put, he could hypnotise people.

Read minds, hypnotise, sort of the same answer?

It's not remotely the fucking same thing!

What is wrong with you, you... you massive overpaid prick? Listen...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You've got one job to do.

Already tonight you've said some bullshit about a bear.

You're a fucking idiot.

Quite simply, and happy New Year.

Say what you think. Anyway, but I think they are different.

Here are his superpowers. We've got eight of them.

He has got hypnosis, telepathic powers,

shape shifting, so you're three for three.

The power to control animals, bats and wolves.

Turn others into vampires, immortality, super strength,

and the ability to create mists.

What? That is like heating things up.

That is the shittest of his powers.

That is number eight on the list.

Can I tell you another interesting true story?

I once... once sold Christian Slater some erotic Japanese art.

Do you remember? I do. And...

We were doing a film with him.

And he said he really liked Japanese erotic art.

I said, "I've got some at home. I'll bring you some in."

And I did some very crude biro drawings...

of sexual positions that you might find

on the back page of maybe a 13-year-old's notebook.

And then you sold those to him?

No, when he saw them, I'd built it up for about three or four days,

I said, "Here they are, I've brought them in. Get your money out."

OK, so points, points, no points.

OK. You saw a clip of a young Elvis impersonator.

All I wanted to know was who it was.

Claudia, Miranda. I thought it was in Enrique Iglesias.

# Can you be my hero, baby? #

MIRANDA STRAINS Wow. You don't know so many songs.

And then, suddenly, he looked like Enrique when he's moving around,

but that still only looks like one person.

Bruno Mars.

You think Bruno Mars. Vic, Bob?

Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars.

And, Jonathan, you managed to piece this together, did you?

Well, because that footage, I was filming that footage.

I was doing a documentary about Elvis impersonators

when we were out in Memphis, years ago.

We did a documentary for Channel 4 called Viva Elvis, and they said,

"There's this tiny kid doing it, a four-year-old, doing Elvis."

So we went down to film him. And I interviewed him afterwards.

And that is Bruno Mars.

We didn't think you'd remember.

APPLAUSE We didn't think you'd remember.

OK, let's have a look.

Let's treat ourselves. Bruno, first of all,

can you tell me how old you are

and how long you've been performing as Elvis? Since when I was two.

And how old are you now? I'm four.

And what's amazing is the guy who's operating him

never once broke character.

Amazing. OK, lastly for this round,

we showed a face made up of three different celebrities.

Did you get who they were?

OK, Claudia, Miranda.

Let's start with you. I don't think we did. We just threw some names.

OK, what have you got? What names?

Goldblum, Daniel Day-Lewis,

Abraham Lincoln and Damian Lewis.

OK, you got one right.

OK. OK? Vic, Bob?

Lincoln, Steve Jobs and Mary Berry.

Jonathan, Nish. We went with Abraham Lincoln for the bottom,

Bill Gates in the middle,

and then we think the hair might be Harry Styles.

You're all right. Wow!

Come on, we're nailing it!

Here they are.

Let's have a look at that.

OK, time for another bonus round.

This is the part of the show where I introduce some mystery guests.

All you have to do is tell me who they are and what connects them.

However, you can only ask yes or no questions.

Ladies and gentlemen, our mystery guests.

Come on in, nice to see you.

All right, yes or no questions only. OK, go ahead. Claudia.

Are you related? No. No. No.

Do you live together? No.

No. Do you work together?

No. No.

Do you have any connection whatsoever with each other?

Yes. Yes.

CLAUDIA: Do you dress up as something?

No... Yes! Yes, yes, you fucking do!

Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Are you... Are you... Are you Teletubbies?

No. That's a very, very good guess.

BOB: Do you all do the same thing?

Yes. Yeah, we do. Could anyone do it?

No. Oh! Are you all lookalikes?

But if you think you know what it is, you've got to write it down.

They can't be lookalikes. They look like three different blokes.

Are you lookalikes of different, of three different people?

No. No. Are you lookalikes of the same person

who changes quite a lot in a short space of time? No.

I think, I think that's a yes.

Kind of, yeah. You keep on getting these wrong.

Yeah. This is your life!

Do you work on television sets?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Would you be heroes to children?

Yes. Something they all used to do.

Oh, you used to do it?

But you don't do it any more?

No. No. Do you miss doing it?

Very, very much. Yes. Yes.

Do you advertise something?

ALL: Yes.

I think that's enough. I think you can guess from there.

An advert. What could they be? Are they...

Was it advertised primarily to children?

Yes. Yes. Hold it, hold it!

No, because that's not... Hold on!

I know what you are! Well, write it down.

There's more of you, aren't there? ALL: Yes.

Yes! HE THUMPS DESK

The screen just flickered on and off there. We can now move on.

I've got you, you motherf...! Yeah, I've got you!

Yes! Oh-h-h-h-h!

We know who you are!

OK. All right, so have you all got something?

So, Claudia and Miranda, who did you think these gentlemen were?

We got it wrong. I'm confused.

They've all been Basil Brush.

It is a puppet.

I know, but somebody's got to have their hand in the puppet.

Well, that's my childhood dream shattered.

OK. Vic, Bob.

Milkybar kids.

What did you think, Jonathan, Nish?

We put Milkybar kidz, and we spelt it with a Z,

cos if they come back for the modern youth, that's how they'll spell it.

Gentlemen, could you tell us who you are?

My name is John. I'm Anthony.

And I'm Robbie. And we are...

We were... Milkybar kids.

John was the Milkybar kid from 1974 until 1978.

Let's have a quick look.

The Milkybars are on me!

# Milkybar so creamy white

# Nestle's Milkybar! #

I mean, that's a classic.

That is a classic, John. That's the classic.

Anthony featured in ads from 1988 until 1991.

Let's have a look.

The Milkybars are on me!

Robbie was the Milkybar kid from '83 until '86.

Have a look.

# The Milkybar kid just can't go wrong

# With Nestle's Milkybar! #

Milkybars are on me!

# Nestle's Milkybar! #

Thank you very much indeed for joining us.

So, do you get... Have you met each other before?

We've met before, haven't we? We've met before. Yeah.

I've met different Milkybar Kids, but I haven't met...

These two.

Is it because you're the original cowboy Milkybar kid,

not like these guys, these interlopers?

I am 100% with you, the original.

I'm glad you said that. Wasn't there one before you, though?

Wasn't there one in black-and-white? There was.

So, who was the first Milkybar kid?

Because he must consider himself the real shit.

He's the daddy.

Is he still alive? He is, yeah.

He is. He lives in Spain. Wow.

No-one's going to try and track him down!

I mean... You were like, "Oh, no!"

The original Milkybar kid lives in Spain! We're all off!

Let's have a look and see what that's done to the scores.

In last place currently, Vic and Bob with 24.

Just two ahead, Claudia and Miranda with 26.

In the lead, Jonathan and Nish with 32.

We're going to take a quick break now,

but ladies and gentlemen, one more time, for the Milkybar men!

Thank you very much for coming along, guys. Thank you.

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz of Everything.

The next round is all about geography.

I like geography. You know where you are with geography.

The temperature at the North Pole can drop to as low as -40.

To put that in context, that's cold enough for a Geordie to consider wearing a coat.

In Nepalese, Everest is called Saga Matha,

which roughly translates as,

"She whose white body is littered with toffs,

"who spend 50 grand on freezing to death."

OK, time for some more questions, everyone.

First up, where can you find the following items - nail clippers,

an astrologer's ashes, two golf balls,

96 bags of urine, faeces and vomit, and several improvised javelins?

Where would you find those things?

For our next question, it's over to Judy Murray.

Love Judy Murray.

Hi, Jimmy. I've been lucky enough to visit Australia many times for the Australian Open

and I love it over there.

But can you tell me what it is illegal to do in Queensland

unless you're a scientist or a magician?

I love Andy. What's not to like?

I've got posters of him in my office and everything.

He's the greatest.

Smashing lad.

Question three. Here are some Scottish children being interviewed in the 1970s.

All I want to know is - what are they describing?

What's it like?

I've seen its wake before.

Did you? It was very long.

It was longer than the school.

And it was longer than a snake.

Has it got any legs?

Of course not.

It has.

It's got four legs and can go in the water.

How big is that mouth that its got?

Aww! Stop.

I don't think we can really let that clip go

without looking at the first child's haircut again though, can we?

That was extraordinary.

It's like he's got a second head on top of his first head.

Is that Vic and Bob when they were younger?

That was last week.

After you a YouTube video went viral,

the island of Tashirojima had an increase in over 500% in tourism.

I want to know why. What is weird about that lovely island there?

HE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

Is that in Japan?

Hey.

What have you got there, Claudia? Classic Hula Hoop?

We've moved from Monster Munch to the more classic... I'm just doing all the crisps.

See, I don't know how you can go to Hula Hoop from Monster Munch.

Monster Munch, it's such a strong flavour.

I think Hula Hoops, you can't eat a load of Hula Hoops.

You can if they're beef.

Hula Hoops are fun for about 12 seconds, max.

Obviously! Clearly.

OK. Before we had Google maps on our phones,

we had to get round using real maps.

You've got three Ordnance Survey symbols here.

All you have to do is tell me what they mean.

I got 12.5% in an Ordnance Survey test when I was 11 years old.

Did you? Yeah. That's pretty good.

Who was testing your Ordnance Survey skills?

We did it as one of our geography exams.

Yeah, my daughter did it.

If we'd known that, we would not have booked you for the show, Nish.

OK. Ready for some answers?

Not yet. We're just writing it down.

Jonathan and Nish, write down something. Nish is just getting, nailing that last question. OK.

How old's Nish?

I don't know, it's tough to tell. We could ask him I suppose, but...

You can't talk about Nish as if he isn't here.

It's cos he was concentrating, so I'm excluding...

I was concentrating.

I'm going to say... Late 20s.

I'm going to say 31.

I'm going to say 32.

30.

I would go older than all you three.

I'm usually bang-on. What do you think?

36.

I am...

32.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

And I'd got that correctly because I asked him just before the show.

Bob's 40...

..waist.

OK, I asked you where you could find some nail clippers, an astrologist's ashes,

two golf balls, 96 bags of urine, faeces and vomit,

and several improvised javelins - did you all get it?

Yeah. There's two places you can find it.

One of them is the moon

and the other is the back of Jonathan Ross's van.

Yeah, I've got lots of...

96 bags of urine, faeces and vomit?

It's a busy weekend.

Claudia, Miranda. We've written moon.

Should we have written Glastonbury?

You had it right and then you threw it away on Glastonbury.

I've written moon. I say all kinds of stuff, I don't mean it.

You said Glastonbury, I'm afraid it isn't Glastonbury.

I'm going to sing Shania Twain.

Vic, Bob. The moon. The moon was right.

Points all round.

I wouldn't bother... Would you bother going to the moon?

No. It screws you up, doesn't it?

Does it screw you up? Astronauts have gone mad, haven't they?

Have they gone mad? Yeah.

We're basing this on nothing.

Buzz Aldrin thought he was a small toy,

who was best friends with a cowboy.

I saw the documentary about that.

Yeah.

All three of them, very good.

So Judy Murray asked you what it was illegal to do in Queensland

unless you're a scientist or a magician.

Own a rabbit.

Own a rabbit. Yeah.

OK, what do you think, Claudia? Own a rabbit.

We put own a rabbit as well.

But we started with... First of all, Nish said, "Own a top hat."

And I thought, "Why does a scientist need a top hat?"

At the end you go, "Science."

OK, so you all got that absolutely right.

It's illegal to own a rabbit. Yes.

OK. You saw some Scottish children talking about something.

What were they talking about?

Loch Ness Monster. Yeah, we reckon Nessie.

And I've actually done an artist's impression just of Nessie there.

Even by your standards, not a great picture.

OK. Claudia, Miranda?

Yes, that's what we thought.

Vic, Bob? Loch Ness Monster, yes?

Sorry, how's that pronounced? Loch Ness Monster, yes?

I'm getting more and more Motherwell, aren't I?

You all got that right. You're doing very well on this round. OK. What?

Tashirojima is an island with an increase in tourism

because a YouTube video went viral. Can you tell me why?

Claudia, Miranda?

I don't think this is right, but

Justin Bieber went and did a video there.

You're so close.

Oh, really? Really?

What do you think, Jonathan, Nish? I'm not sure which one.

There's an island with loads of little red foxes on it

and there's an island with loads of cats on it,

both of which have been very popular online

and both of which have attracted a lot of visitors.

I don't know whether it's the island of foxes or the island of the neko, the cat.

Vic, Bob, what did you think? Cats. Cats. Island of cats.

Yeah, that's it.

So close with Justin Bieber, it's the island of cats.

I was just trying to make you feel better about yourselves.

Have a look at the pictures there.

I think if you could see that one at the front. Oh, my God.

They're all listening to Justin Bieber there.

He might have been singing Memory.

Excellent reference from Cats!

And what's the next one? There you go, some cats.

And then this one. Aww.

Two points, points, no points.

All right. So Ordnance Survey map symbols, that's what I showed you.

Did you get them? Yeah, we got these.

Number one - jagged teeth.

LAUGHTER

Number two - the Bermuda Triangle.

Don't go there. And number three - the band Blue.

Not Five, as they're often thought of.

A point to us, thanks a lot, Jimmy boy.

OK. Claudia, Miranda, let's hear what your suggestions are.

Uneven surface, hazards.

Generic.

And a look-out point.

And if it's not an uneven surface,

let me just throw in the word stalactite.

You seem very pleased with yourself.

What did you get? First one's a crag.

Oh. Crag.

Is crag a thing? Yeah, Crag David.

So that is the symbol for a cliff or a crag.

Triangulation station.

Not a thing, not a thing.

Two words.

The triangle symbol there is the symbol for hostel,

not triangulation station.

A hostel, yeah.

And what did you think the last one was?

Viewpoint. Viewpoint is exactly right.

So look-out viewpoint, yes, that's correct.

So no points, one point, two points.

All right, let's have a look at the scores.

So the scores, it's still all to play for here.

Claudia and Miranda have got 30, Vic and Bob have got 30,

Jonathan and Nish out in the lead with 36.

Join us after the break, because at this point you've been with us so long

you've got Stockholm syndrome.

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz of Everything. In true pub quiz style,

we're ending this evening with a pot-luck round to test your general

knowledge. It's a bit like Tinder,

you're not entirely sure what you're going to get.

Right, some pot-luck facts.

Chicken nuggets come in four shapes, the bell, the ball,

the boot and the bone.

And I assume those are also the ingredients.

Velcro is actually a brand name for a type of hook and loop fastener.

Other companies have attempted to copy the idea,

but their versions are just rip-offs!

There's nothing wrong with that, come on.

OK. Time for the last round of questions.

First up, it's over to the Reverend Kate Bottley.

Hi, Jimmy. One of my favourite books is Roald Dahl's

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory,

and I know the characters inside out.

But do you? Can your teams remember the four different ways Augustus

Gloop, Violet Beauregarde,

Mike Teavee and Veruca Salt all ended up leaving the factory tour?

We've totally...

..brain freeze.

The first one is such a great film.

Have a look at this very solemn moment in Ponts Mill, Cornwall,

in 1997. All I want to know is, what's going on here?

This is Sid.

Sid has been a good friend...

..to his girls, and they're very sad to lose him.

But... perhaps it will be a bit happier when it's put to rest.

I don't know.

OK, so what the hell is going on there?

It could be. Sometimes, at this stage of the show, we like to play a really depressing clip.

OK. Next question, couldn't be easier.

A rubber duck, a Scottie dog, a cat, a penguin, a T. Rex, a top hat,

a car, a battleship, what have they all got in common?

Oh, come on! That's so easy.

That's right, isn't it?

Things that were removed from my rectum.

LAUGHTER

That was some Christmas party, Jimmy. Yes!

OK, have a look at this clip of a lady named Betty Hill.

What experience is she describing?

When we arrived home, we had many puzzles.

The tops of Barney's shoes were scuffed.

Our watches had stopped functioning.

There were highly polished spots on the trunk of the car.

But the biggest mystery of all was the fact that it had taken us seven

hours to drive 190 miles.

The examiner came running back into the room, and opened my mouth,

started tugging at my teeth.

And I said to the leader, "What is he doing?"

And he said, "We're very, very puzzled.

"Why are Barney's teeth removable, and yours are not?"

OK, so what is that nutter describing?

OK. And for the last question, all I want to know is,

what does this mean in American Sign Language?

That. Tell us. Don't say "tell us".

Well, tell us.

Come on.

Is it the last question of the quiz?

We've got the Big Fat Question to come.

The very last question. This is the last official question in the round.

The last official, wouldn't it be nice to begin the New Year, 2018,

as a group, as a family,

after such bad news, that we just stick together, be together,

just tell us what it is.

I love you, Claudia, but no.

APPLAUSE

If I had a heart, it would be melting right now.

It's just... I've said my two ideas, and you scoffed at both of them.

What were they again? Spider-Man and Rock On.

LAUGHTER

It's not either of those. It's not either of those!

What?! We've got it.

What do you mean you... I literally just told you.

Me? I just told you.

Through code? No, I said it.

You mimed? No, I didn't mime, I told you.

With noise, or with words?

With words. I just told you what the answer was.

Well, we've written something better.

Reverend Kate wanted to know how the children

from Charlie And The Chocolate Factory met their fates?

What have you got, Vic and Bob?

One died in chocolate.

Yes, he was in a chocolate river and he got stuck in a pipe. I'll give you that.

Two, shot by Wonka.

LAUGHTER

Shot by Wonka? They cut that from the book and from the film.

So, sadly, no.

Three, murdered by the Oompa Loompas.

Also, that was cut.

Four, hung.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, I mean, the died in chocolate, fell into chocolate, I would give you,

maybe... No!

Shot by Wonka!

LAUGHTER

Yeah, proper execution style.

Quentin Tarantino's Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.

OK, Claudia and Miranda?

Blew up. Yes, Violet swelled up into a giant blueberry,

and had to be squeezed, yeah.

Sucked through tube.

Yes. What else happened?

Drowned in chocolate, gum, squirrels, etc.

Guns, squirrels, you've lost interest entirely.

OK. What did you put?

We've got stuck in a tube.

Augustus Gloop, stuck in a tube. You actually know these.

Yeah, I think so. Violet Beauregarde,

I think was the one who blew up like a blueberry.

Correct. Then there was Veruca Salt,

who went down the trash chute after she... decided not to be a golden

egg. And Mike Teavee was shrunk

after being transmitted into a television set. 100% right.

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

OK, ticks all around.

You saw a solemn moment in Cornwall.

What do you think was going on?

We've got Furby funeral.

We think... They are burying something,

and we don't think it's a real animal.

So close with the Furby funeral.

What did you get, Vic and Bob?

Burial of three tiny men.

Yes, that's correct, three tiny men.

And we thought it'd be a bit of a fun thing at the end of the show.

What did you think, Claudia, Miranda? We've nailed this.

Claude...

Tamagotchi funeral. The right answer.

Oh, wow.

The right answer, yeah.

APPLAUSE

I asked you what a rubber duck, a top hat, a Scottie dog, a cat,

a penguin, a T. Rex, a car and a battleship have in common. Did you will get this?

Yes.

Immediately. We've got another one, where it's actually two answers,

but you didn't know the second one, so we've got Monopoly pieces

and removed from Jonathan Ross's butt.

OK. Monopoly pieces. You all got that. Points all around.

I asked you what experience Betty Hill was describing in that clip.

Did you will get this? I think so.

It's hard to get anything else.

We went with alien abduction. Yeah.

Alien abduction. What did you get?

Abduction. But it could have been her driving test.

LAUGHTER

It took her seven hours to drive 140 miles.

It sounded like the instructor who took her teeth out.

Yes, she was... I can tell you Betty and her husband, Barney,

were the first people to go public about their alien abduction.

They don't look very happy about it, do they?

Not thrilled, are they?

I asked you what this means in American Sign Language.

I then told Claudia.

You wouldn't listen. I'm so sorry.

Did you tell me immediately, because then I was analysing...?

I said "I love you, but no..."

Look what I wrote down!

I love you!

It's "I love you".

Vic, Bob. Satan.

Satan?

That's Satan, isn't it?

Yeah. It's your thumb out, with Satan going...

We put mindfulness, unity and no idea.

Which, in a way, sums up the whole experience of love.

That's beautiful, Jonathan, beautiful.

OK, so it's time for our final question.

Please welcome some very special guests.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, OK. These are all grown men with families.

LAUGHTER

These are all football mascots. All you've got to do is name the mascot.

That's all you've got to do. What?

Will you tell us the team?

Yeah, I'll tell you the team. OK, so that's West Ham.

West Ham, if you know what their nickname is,

I reckon you've got a very good chance of getting this.

I can tell you that that is... Scunthorpe is next.

Scunthorpe, fun fact, have a football team.

He looks a little depressed,

is that because he's from the Scunthorpe team?

Aw!

Someone cuddle the bunny.

Yeah, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Aw, poor thing.

These are grown men, I can't stress this enough.

These are grown men.

OK. And next up we've got, from West Bromwich Albion,

I think it's worth saying that they are called the Baggies.

The Baggies? Yes, the team are called the Baggies. Why?

I don't know why, but they are called the Baggies.

Don't get angry with me, chicken.

So what do you think you might be called?

Next up, we've got, from Arsenal,

who I don't feel I need to say, but are known as the Gunners.

The last one at the end, that's just fucking terrifying.

This is from Partick Thistle in Glasgow.

And they've somewhat ironically done a sun.

They think that's what the sun looks like

because they've never fucking seen it.

I swear, Noel Fielding's got that outfit.

Jimmy, the aim of the game is to write down, like...

The names. Each mascot has got a name.

Like Robert?

No, like a fun name.

Don't do that to me.

I... It's nice for Jimmy to be the most human looking one of a line-up.

I like the fact it looks like the sun is shining out of my arse.

OK. So have you all got answers?

Yes.

Let's go to Claudia and Miranda for the definitive answers.

OK.

Two points for each correct answer.

What have you got? Two? Yeah. Hammer Man.

Hammer Man.

Bunny Sue.

LAUGHTER

OK. Sparrow Keith, or Keith Sparrow.

Keith Sparrow?

LAUGHTER

Right? And then...

Miranda, what did you think he was called?

Robert. The Arsenal dinosaur, the Gunners' dinosaur,

you think might be called...

Robert. Robert, OK.

And you thought he was called Partick Thistle's...

Yellow Shane.

Yellow Shane?

Yes.

Boom!

OK. Let's go to Jonathan and Nish.

We thought the first one was Hammy.

Hammy. I mean, he's not a great actor, but that's harsh.

Then we thought, from Scunthorpe, Scunty the Rabbit.

LAUGHTER

Baggy the Bird.

Although I want to go with Bagford Birdsworth.

But that's your...

Then we went with Gunnersaurus Rex.

Nish knew that. Then we've gone with Sunny the Sun.

OK. So you're right with Baggy the Bird, I will give you that.

You're pretty close with that.

Scunty Rabbit, is that right?

Scunty Rabbit is right.

Wow! What?

Of course it isn't!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH

That was my favourite part of the show.

Was it? No!

No, he's Scunny Bunny.

So Scunny Bunny, Baggy Bird, Gunnersaurus.

And now, the West Ham one, well, let's see?

Maybe Vic and Bob got this.

We thought it was The Hammer.

He's Hammerhead. Hammerhead, that makes sense.

Yeah. He looks like Iron Man on a budget.

LAUGHTER

And then you've got... Sunny Bunny.

You got that. You got, for two points...

Baggy Bird. Baggy Bird, you got that. Dino, that's wrong, isn't it?

Dino... the Gunnersaurus. And Sunny Patrick.

LAUGHTER

Sunny Patrick is better than your real name.

Partick Thistle named their mascot Kingsley.

LAUGHTER

Kingsley?

The final scores this evening, I can tell you, Claudia Winkleman,

Miranda Hart, you've got 37.

You are joint last place with Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer.

Come on! 37 points.

And our winners this evening with 46 points, come and grab your trophy,

it's Jonathan Ross and Nish Kumar. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on. It's all yours.

What a moment.

You've nailed it.

APPLAUSE COVERS SPEECH

A fine performance, gentlemen.

Well done. Congratulations.

That's it. A big thank you to all our panel and special guests.

Thank you for watching. I've been Jimmy Carr and this

has been The Big Fat Quiz Of Everything. Good night.