All language subtitles for T.C.S02E03.1080p.WEB.H264-DJT_track3_[eng]

So, officer numbers -
how's recruitment?

A recruitment drive focusing on
a more diverse workforce

hasn't quite had the returns
we hoped for.

Really? Despite our excellent
poster campaign?

If that doesn't say diversity,

I don't know what does.

Perhaps it doesn't quite reflect

that diversity is more than
just race and gender.

OK, well, maybe for all future
diversity drives,

we should make our definition
of diversity more diverse.

Personally, I don't care
where they come from

as long as they can bench press 220

and chase after the wee bam
that dipped your purse.

It's all about budget.

We can't go to the moon
on a two-bob rocket.

Don't worry.

Justice will understand.

Targets - they're an "ideal"
objective.

If there's one thing
the Scottish Government knows about,

it's missing targets.

PHONE ALERTS

There's been a cabinet reshuffle.
Nadim's out.

Ah, morning, Chief.

Hello... er... Helen.

Nice to meet you.

Actually, we've met before.

Oh, have we? Yes, at
the Visibility For Women conference.

Oh, yes.

So we have.

I remember now.

Oh, sorry! Didn't see you there.

Just in here.

Thank you so much, um...

Helen.
Helen. Thank you.

Hail to the big fish.

Ah!

I'd only just got used to you
in Justice

and now here you are
in your watery grave.

That is your largemouth bass, Chief.

Freshwater, ray-finned,
part of the sunfish family.

Well, I am impressed.

I'm a quick study, Chief.

Take a sohan halwa.

Oh, we're not celebrating this,
are we?

Ach, why not?

Look on the bright side.

Fisheries is the only department
that I haven't run yet.

Well, I mean, I had it
as part of Farming and Ferries,

but never solo.

Anyway, enough about fish,

unless you want to pop down
to The Balmoral,

wolf down a few old
Arbroath smokies?

Oh, I would love to,

but I've got to go
and meet your replacement.

What's he like? McGurk?

Young.

Ambitious. Ruthless.

Any tips?

Aye.

Be straight, white,
privileged and powerful.

I'll do my best.

KNOCK ON DOOR

That's your 11 o'clock call.

Gudmunda Gudmunsdottir,

my Icelandic counterpart.

Pickled herring. Import quotas.
That's my life now.

Let's try and enjoy it. Enjoy yours.

I shall.

BASS SINGS "DOWN DOWN" BY STATUS QUO

Gudendagen, Gudmundur...

Christ's sake!

Ah, Chief. Come in.

I'm just finishing
a 10K power walk.

Well, delighted to meet you, Zander.

Minister.

And I prefer stand-up meetings.

Oh, well, as do I, Minister.

Big fitness man myself, particularly
of the national game - the golf.

Maybe we could hit the links
sometime?

Don't golf. I'm a squash guy.

I love squash.

I'll book us a pitch... room...
square... court.

Chief, let's park the BS, yeah?

Er, Chief...

..does your police force
want a bigger budget?

Bigger?

Bigger as in...?

More.

What? More than before?

Well, obviously,
we would very much welcome...

So, just to clarify,

by MORE, do you mean more?

More money? More funds.

We want to back the bobbies
on the beat, OK,

to protect the Scottish people,

but we've got to work to
a zero-sum budget.

Well, yes, of course,
that goes without saying.

Remind me, a zero-sum budget is?

Well, we strip out the fat,
build up the muscle,

get lean,

justify every penny of spend.

Just a word of warning
as regards the budget,

there are a lot of code words
in there.

You know, for security reasons.

I mean, pastries, for example.

Pastries doesn't actually refer
to pastries.

Together, we'll ditch
anything unnecessary.

I mean, why hug a hoodie
when that hoodie should be huckled?

Yeah? This...

This is Project Proper Policing.

Yeah.

And this project gets a proper
police endorsement.

Right.

Well, yes,

I will book the squash table...

..pitch... room... square... court!

Minister.

We recently came top
in a nationwide survey

of public funded bodies -
Do You Feel Valued At Work?

Every penny I spend
goes towards nabbing the wee fud

that pissed through your letterbox
and set fire to your bins.

I do greatly value your work,
both of you.

But we have to find trim somewhere.

If we're going
to justify our bigger budget,

we need to pinpoint where we might
find unjustified spend.

Your lunch from the Seafood Shed.

Ah! Sorry it's late,

and they apologise, but
the hand-dived scallops are farmed.

Ach, I'll slum it.

Team, carry on.

Cuts. Cuts. Cuts. Justify.

Justify. Justify.

So, with a new broom in the cabinet,
is it time, then,

to tackle the unnecessary use
of police funds?

Unnecessary is a pretty strong word,
Connie.

No, we channel every public penny
towards vital police initiatives.

Really? OK, I've got a direct quote
here from your new Justice Minister

who says, "Chief Commissioner
Miekelson agrees with me

"that there is a lot of waste
in the police budget

"and shares my desire
to slash unnecessary spending."

Did-did he say that?

Did he say that I said that?

Did you say that he said
that I said that?

He said it 20 minutes ago
in a TV interview.

Well, I welcome your question
about what I said, Connie.

And, um, when it comes
to what I said,

I would never actually say
that I... that I...

that I never actually said that.

Saying that sort of thing is exactly
the sort of thing

I would say if I were saying
something...

..like that.

So you DID say
what he said you said?

What I will say is this.

The Justice Minister and I
are committed to saying

a whole raft of things
in the future.

Prioritising keeping all spending
non-profligate-eted.

Come on, Chief.

I thought you were a squash fan?

Ugh! Please.

Ah! Oh!

Good shot, Minister.

Your set. Yeah.

That was some proper squashing.

I heard you on Connie's show.

You were getting your arse
handed to you there as well.

She did serve me a pretty
curvy curveball, you know.

I didn't ACTUALLY say
what you said I said.

What does it matter?

If I say you said it,
then you said it.

I didn't actually say it.

You know, there are such things
as fact.

There's no such things as fact,
right?

The truth is fluid.

Just get our message out there.

Yeah, well, next time just warn me

what messaging you want out
where and when.

Project Proper Policing.

Backed by Project Proper Budget.

Yeah, if...

IF...

..you step up and trim the fat.

Where are you at with that?

I am the Ozempic
of budgetary planning,

transforming us into a lean, mean,
crime-fighting machine.

Oh, yeah? Tell me deets.

Deets?

Oh, details.

Well, the police shinty team won't
be getting that new minibus.

Pennies.

Peanuts.

Come on. Where are the big fat wads?

Ditch whole departments.

Whole departments?

We're a tightly integrated unit.

We're a family. A family?

You're the police force.

We agreed blood and thunder.

Boots on the ground.

None of this wishy-washy,

touchy-feely,
hand-holding pish, huh?

I've never seen diversity,
equity or inclusion arrest anyone.

OK, we'll look for trims
in ALL departments.

Yeah. Get on it.

We need this done by the next
finance round, right?

I'm a big fan of momentum, Chief.

Now serve.

I'm a big fan of momentum too,
Minister.

Oh!

Sorry.

Ah! Ah!

OK.

Ah! Ah!

Ah, ladies.

Shift up.

You OK, Dad?Yep. Just...

Ah! Oh! Phew!

Heard you on the radio. Where are
you going to find these cuts?

YOUR salary?

Well, you know, if it came to that,

I'd certainly consider
considering it.

I know where you could save money
by making cuts.Right.

I'm open to suggestions.

The police.

Well, no bad ideas in a brainstorm,

but we're thinking of first looking
at the police choir.

They'll come for DEI.
They always do.

Not on my watch. I am a fierce
protector of progressive modernity.

So, ladies... women... people...

..who's tonight's author?

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

Ah, yes, yes.

A personal favourite of mine.
Love her work.

Proceed.

Is Chimamanda writing from

a historical Marxist feminist
worldview?

Or do we bracket her in a more
modern, intersectional ecofeminists?

Dad?

Bit of both?

Look at that, Paul.

That's how much it costs to neuter
all the dogs in the police force.

It's counterproductive. Just let
them breed. We'll get free dogs.

What's the matter, Paul?

Justice Department
have been in touch.

"List five ways
to justify your job."

Ah! Figurehead, law enforcer,
justice dispenser, hero and icon.

Not just you. It landed
in everybody's inbox at 6am.

OK, OK.

We've all got the email.

It's just five things
per staff member.

We can cover that off, can't we?

Forcing people to justify their
existence is just plain wrong.

It should be voluntary.
I've already done 50.

50? When?

Battered them out
on the exercise bike,

and I'm about to
batter out 50 more.

Well done, Muldoon.

Sorry, 50?

Lyndsey,
you've got more than five too.

Just list them.

Play the game.

No, I'm taking a principled stand.

It might be to your benefit

and your department's.

So they're coming for me? For us?

No, no, no, no, no.

I haven't heard that, no, no.

There's been no indication of
that whatsoever in any way at all.

But if they did, you'd defend me?

Lyndsey, it's me -
the People's Chief.

YOUR Chief.

Your department is vital.

Life without you would be like
a police car without its nee-naw.

Five positive measures.
What even is that?

What even is this?
What even am I? Why am I?

Where is the what, the why?
Paul, Paul, Paul. Paul.

Listen, you do any number of
positive things around here, OK?

You answer the phone...

Wait. I'll type that out
before I forget. OK.

See what you've done.

Look at him. Oh.

Sorry, I forgot. That's why I came
in. Um, Nadim is on the line.

Nadim?

What does The Codfather
want now?

Fisheries Minister!

He's coming now?

Thank you.

I owe you some monkfish
at The Balmoral for this.

Everyone, listen up!

McGurk's on his way!

All hands on deck!

I don't want any excuses.

It's not required.

It's not justified.

Ah, Minister, hello.

I wasn't expecting you.

Ah-ah-ah!

Woke alarm, Chief.

Some eejit put these posters up
in your HQ.

Muldoon, get those
right in the bin.

Now, since I'm here,

any chance you could show me how
you're spending Scotland's money?

I'd be delighted!

After the water cannon, we can look
at the riot boys kettling.

They tend to practise
on their lunch hour.

Er, oh...

I'm sorry, I'm not wearing my hat.

Apologies.

Back to my office, everyone.

Do we need it, sir?Well, of course
I need my hat, Muldoon.

This is the justice Minister.

Not-not the photocopier salesman.

He deserves to be treated
with respect.

It's fine, Chief, let's kick on.

Right, are you sure about that?
Because it is actually quicker,

I think, Muldoon, isn't it,
if we go back to the, um...

DISTANT COMMOTION

What's that?This is...

Oh, um, this, I think, is an awards
ceremony for bravery.

One of our heroes
recently punched a devil dog!

Wow. Well done.

So what's this, then?
Ah, thank you for your interest.

This is a team-building workshop.

Right. So you're in charge?

Yes. Lyndsey McLeod, Head of...

Many things!

Many, many things.

..Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.

Including those three things,

although we do refer to it
these days as

the Department of Danger,
Energy and Instinct,

which more clearly represents
the work of the department.

And these are serving
police officers?

Yes, they are.

So while one partner is blindfolded,
the other provides instructions.

The challenge is to get through
the obstacle course and then pick up

all these wee ping pong balls
and pop them in the buckets.

Trust.

Yes, the more that the police
trust in each other,

the more the public trusts
the police.

Yes.So, the water cannon...

And what are these?

Now, these are
for our empathy sessions.

Our officers develop
their emotional intelligence.

Taxpayers' money going on what?

Messing about with ping pong balls
and teddy bears.

No, that's not correct.

No? No.

Some of them are bunnies.

Chief, Chief, look at me.

I really want to support
the police with a bigger budget.

Mm-hm. But for that to happen...

..heads must roll.

I mean, heads are already rolling,
Minister.

We've already let Big Tam go.

He worked in the canteen.

He was so slow putting
the tattie scones in the rolls.

Get out of here!

Chief...

..it is crystal clear
what this organisation doesn't need.

You are a police FORCE,

not a therapy service.

You know what you need to do, Chief.

You said you would support me.
And I did...

..until, well, certain circumstances
arose that somewhat forced my hand.

Well, you're about to find out what
life is like without your nee-naw.

You've done all that you can here.

We're sorted now. Brand-new!

Look, it's temporary.

McGurk...

Look, McGurk,
McGurk won't be here forever.

Remember when the Justice Minister
was from the Green Party

and we all had to cycle to work
and only eat kale burgers, mm?

We're going to have a memorable
farewell bash for you.

One for the ages, huh?

What can I do?

It's McGurk. He's the boss.

And he's gone Tonto!

Chief, if I could just correct you
one last time,

I don't think you can say that.

Our priority
is protecting the Scottish people.

Our zero-sum budget identified
savings in DEI

and we had no alternative
but to take action.

So, Chief Commissioner, shuttering
the police force departments of

diversity, equity and inclusion.

Is that a necessary step to protect
the Scottish people?

Why do you say that?

Because you did.
No, I didn't.

We've just played the clip.

No, you haven't. But we did.

Well, I didn't hear it and I'm
sure your listeners didn't either.

This is typical
legacy media manipulation.

Take something that doesn't exist,
play it,

claim that it does exist,

and then blame me when I point out
that it doesn't.

Well, I'm not playing along.

Chief Commissioner, the Scottish
people deserve not to be lied to.

I'll tell you
what the Scottish people deserve.

They deserve safer,
crime-free streets

and that is what
I intend to deliver.

Perhaps you should concentrate on
that, Connie, rather than semantics.

That's me away, Ellen.

I've put the oven timer on
for your mini kievs.

Kyiv!

Sorry. Mini kyivs.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm just popping to Lyndsey's,
er, leaving do.

You've sacked
your Head of Diversity?

Well, no, no,

she's diversified into...

..non-employment.

Wriggle hard enough,
and you can justify anything.

So, ladies... women... people...

..who's tonight's author?

Is it another Chimamanda?

The legend of Faust.

A mortal man with noble intentions
who sells his soul to Mephistopheles

for earthly pleasures
and selfish short-term gain.

But finds only guilt,
torment and misery.

You should try a Ken Follett.

CHATTER

Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

Ah, fellow officers and support
staff, we're here to, er,

say goodbye to, uh, Lyndsey McLeod,
a loyal and indis...

FEEDBACK

SOMEONE COUGHS

..loyal servant of
the Scottish Police Force.

But, well, it's on
to pastures new for Lyndsey

and I just know that she will
thrive wherever she goes.

And now, someone else will get the
benefit of her awareness seminars

for the Gaelic language.

So, I just wanted to say, heh, er...

HE SPEAKS GAELIC

But we're not just here to bid
a fond farewell to Lyndsey.

No, we are here to celebrate
her many achievements.

Only last month,
I know a lot of us,

erm, benefited from her, er,

menopositive and
perimenopositive workshops.

I personally am now
very perimenopositive.

For a man, that is an inclusive
and supportive thing, er, to be.

It's not your concern
any longer, though.

You don't have any skin in the game.

Can I...

Can I... say that?

Sounds a bit slavey, doesn't it?
PEOPLE GASP

It's not, I'm sure.

I think it's probably from golf?

Or is it... Is it...

Oh, it's basketball, is it?

But either way, it wouldn't do,
would it?

It wouldn't do to be
a bit slavey, ha-ha,

at the... at the leaving do
for the head

of my diversity, equity
and inclusion.

Erm... Erm...

You're not going to help me, and
that's... and that's fine, Lyndsey.

That's fine. I respect that,
you know? Ha-ha.

Sell me down the river!

PEOPLE GASP
Oh, no, that one is a bit slavey.

Sorry. Aha!

Yes. Look, enough of me.

Let's hear from
the main man herself...

Woman. Person.

Lyndsey McLeod, everyone.

Thank you to everyone
who has supported me here

and has been a friend to me.

This song says everything
I want to say.

PEACEFUL MUSIC STARTS

♪ Of all the comrades
that e'er I've had

♪ They are sorry... ♪

She'll be fine. She'll thrive!

More than thrive.

And we've got our bigger budget.

Sign-off is imminent,
and that's good for the police.

We are pure muscle, no fat.

You know when you see two dogs
shagging down by the canal

and the back dog's legs are shaking,

and he's straining, and his thighs
are pure, smooth muscle?

That's us.

SINGING CONTINUES

We won't change our logo
to that quite yet, but...

♪ Goodnight and joy
be with you all. ♪

Woo!

And this next song is
for everybody else.

This is Suck My Fury by Hate Pusher.

Paul!

METAL MUSIC STARTS

♪ Aaaaaargh!

♪ Suck my fury!

♪ Suck my furyyyy!

♪ Aaaaaargh! ♪

Kimberly.

Agh!

You're on the right
side of history, Chief.

Who knows what we can achieve,
now we've got rid of those clowns?

Yeah, this is only the beginning.

So... what's your next move, killer?

Ah...

My next move is for Lyndsey.

I'm bringing Lyndsey back,
and her department.

Oh!

That was a good one, Chief!

Lyndsey...

Wait...

What? Y-you're being serious?Yeah.

DEI never arrested anybody.

CHIEF SCOFFS

There's more to policing
than arrest.

Ah, bullshit!

The force IS arrest.

Clue's in the name - force.

Yeah, the force is also about...

People!

Community! Support and respect!

Yeah, and what's so wrong with

people, community,
support and respect?

Save it for your leaving speech.
Och...

You know, I'll have
your arse for this.

I'll send you to Thurso.

Oh, Thurso! That's very ni...

I like Thurso. Do you know
what I like most about Thurso?

Its golf course and...

Oh, you're not there,

so I won't have to listen to
your Billy Big Bollocks bullshit

and your zero-sum budgets
and your slogans!

PPP!

You are a proper petty prick!

You know, I thought you had
bollocks, Miekelson, yeah?

I need a man to run my police force.

A proper alpha.

A stag! A bull!

Not a feeble beta cuck!

Ah, shut up and serve, McGurk!

It's Minister!

Ugh!

THUD!

Oh, my God.

Ambulance, ambulance, ambulance...

No...

Paul...

LINE RINGS

Paul, what time is the budget
signed off in committee?

Any minute, Chief.
It should be on the website soon.

OK, Paul, let me know.
I'll hold. OK.

KNOCK ON DOOR

We've actually booked this court!

Sorry! We'll...

Just one minute. One final rally.

We're... We're almost there.

One minute!

Anything, Paul?

Still nothing? Nope.

Won't be long!

Ha! Hell of a rally!

Oh, wait!

W-wait... That's it confirmed.

OK. The budget's increased.

Yes! More money!

Thank you, Paul! Yes!

Oh, and get an ambulance here
as soon as possible. Oh...

I'll explain later.

Oh... Will do.

Oh, no!

Oh, no! He's collapsed! Help!

How's it hanging?

You can't say that, Chief.

McGurk looked so fit...

..but then not all vulnerabilities
are visible.

I heard aboot McGurk -
RIP an' that - but...

SHE GASPS

..at least the Turbo Tasers
have arrived.

Power tae the polis.

Good to see yer back.

I'm hosting a seminar
this afternoon.

Empathy in the workplace.

You interested?

Aye. Sign me up. I'll be there.

Ah!

There he is.

Back where he belongs.

Terrible news about McGurk.

Terrible. All thoughts at this time.

Mm. And the nation is grateful
to you for providing continuity

and accepting your old job back.

A little welcome home gift.

- Oh!
- NADIM CHUCKLES

So, are we going for lunch?

Monkfish was mentioned.

Oh, my treat.

I'll put it on expenses.

There's plenty in the budget.

♪ I'm blue Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ I'm blue Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di. ♪