Original subtitles

So, officer numbers - how's recruitment?

A recruitment drive focusing on a more diverse workforce

hasn't quite had the returns we hoped for.

Really? Despite our excellent poster campaign?

If that doesn't say diversity,

I don't know what does.

Perhaps it doesn't quite reflect

that diversity is more than just race and gender.

OK, well, maybe for all future diversity drives,

we should make our definition of diversity more diverse.

Personally, I don't care where they come from

as long as they can bench press 220

and chase after the wee bam that dipped your purse.

It's all about budget.

We can't go to the moon on a two-bob rocket.

Don't worry.

Justice will understand.

Targets - they're an "ideal" objective.

If there's one thing the Scottish Government knows about,

it's missing targets.

PHONE ALERTS

There's been a cabinet reshuffle. Nadim's out.

Ah, morning, Chief.

Hello... er... Helen.

Nice to meet you.

Actually, we've met before.

Oh, have we? Yes, at the Visibility For Women conference.

Oh, yes.

So we have.

I remember now.

Oh, sorry! Didn't see you there.

Just in here.

Thank you so much, um...

Helen. Helen. Thank you.

Hail to the big fish.

Ah!

I'd only just got used to you in Justice

and now here you are in your watery grave.

That is your largemouth bass, Chief.

Freshwater, ray-finned, part of the sunfish family.

Well, I am impressed.

I'm a quick study, Chief.

Take a sohan halwa.

Oh, we're not celebrating this, are we?

Ach, why not?

Look on the bright side.

Fisheries is the only department that I haven't run yet.

Well, I mean, I had it as part of Farming and Ferries,

but never solo.

Anyway, enough about fish,

unless you want to pop down to The Balmoral,

wolf down a few old Arbroath smokies?

Oh, I would love to,

but I've got to go and meet your replacement.

What's he like? McGurk?

Young.

Ambitious. Ruthless.

Any tips?

Aye.

Be straight, white, privileged and powerful.

I'll do my best.

KNOCK ON DOOR

That's your 11 o'clock call.

Gudmunda Gudmunsdottir,

my Icelandic counterpart.

Pickled herring. Import quotas. That's my life now.

Let's try and enjoy it. Enjoy yours.

I shall.

BASS SINGS "DOWN DOWN" BY STATUS QUO

Gudendagen, Gudmundur...

Christ's sake!

Ah, Chief. Come in.

I'm just finishing a 10K power walk.

Well, delighted to meet you, Zander.

Minister.

And I prefer stand-up meetings.

Oh, well, as do I, Minister.

Big fitness man myself, particularly of the national game - the golf.

Maybe we could hit the links sometime?

Don't golf. I'm a squash guy.

I love squash.

I'll book us a pitch... room... square... court.

Chief, let's park the BS, yeah?

Er, Chief...

..does your police force want a bigger budget?

Bigger?

Bigger as in...?

More.

What? More than before?

Well, obviously, we would very much welcome...

So, just to clarify,

by MORE, do you mean more?

More money? More funds.

We want to back the bobbies on the beat, OK,

to protect the Scottish people,

but we've got to work to a zero-sum budget.

Well, yes, of course, that goes without saying.

Remind me, a zero-sum budget is?

Well, we strip out the fat, build up the muscle,

get lean,

justify every penny of spend.

Just a word of warning as regards the budget,

there are a lot of code words in there.

You know, for security reasons.

I mean, pastries, for example.

Pastries doesn't actually refer to pastries.

Together, we'll ditch anything unnecessary.

I mean, why hug a hoodie when that hoodie should be huckled?

Yeah? This...

This is Project Proper Policing.

Yeah.

And this project gets a proper police endorsement.

Right.

Well, yes,

I will book the squash table...

..pitch... room... square... court!

Minister.

We recently came top in a nationwide survey

of public funded bodies - Do You Feel Valued At Work?

Every penny I spend goes towards nabbing the wee fud

that pissed through your letterbox and set fire to your bins.

I do greatly value your work, both of you.

But we have to find trim somewhere.

If we're going to justify our bigger budget,

we need to pinpoint where we might find unjustified spend.

Your lunch from the Seafood Shed.

Ah! Sorry it's late,

and they apologise, but the hand-dived scallops are farmed.

Ach, I'll slum it.

Team, carry on.

Cuts. Cuts. Cuts. Justify.

Justify. Justify.

So, with a new broom in the cabinet, is it time, then,

to tackle the unnecessary use of police funds?

Unnecessary is a pretty strong word, Connie.

No, we channel every public penny towards vital police initiatives.

Really? OK, I've got a direct quote here from your new Justice Minister

who says, "Chief Commissioner Miekelson agrees with me

"that there is a lot of waste in the police budget

"and shares my desire to slash unnecessary spending."

Did-did he say that?

Did he say that I said that?

Did you say that he said that I said that?

He said it 20 minutes ago in a TV interview.

Well, I welcome your question about what I said, Connie.

And, um, when it comes to what I said,

I would never actually say that I... that I...

that I never actually said that.

Saying that sort of thing is exactly the sort of thing

I would say if I were saying something...

..like that.

So you DID say what he said you said?

What I will say is this.

The Justice Minister and I are committed to saying

a whole raft of things in the future.

Prioritising keeping all spending non-profligate-eted.

Come on, Chief.

I thought you were a squash fan?

Ugh! Please.

Ah! Oh!

Good shot, Minister.

Your set. Yeah.

That was some proper squashing.

I heard you on Connie's show.

You were getting your arse handed to you there as well.

She did serve me a pretty curvy curveball, you know.

I didn't ACTUALLY say what you said I said.

What does it matter?

If I say you said it, then you said it.

I didn't actually say it.

You know, there are such things as fact.

There's no such things as fact, right?

The truth is fluid.

Just get our message out there.

Yeah, well, next time just warn me

what messaging you want out where and when.

Project Proper Policing.

Backed by Project Proper Budget.

Yeah, if...

IF...

..you step up and trim the fat.

Where are you at with that?

I am the Ozempic of budgetary planning,

transforming us into a lean, mean, crime-fighting machine.

Oh, yeah? Tell me deets.

Deets?

Oh, details.

Well, the police shinty team won't be getting that new minibus.

Pennies.

Peanuts.

Come on. Where are the big fat wads?

Ditch whole departments.

Whole departments?

We're a tightly integrated unit.

We're a family. A family?

You're the police force.

We agreed blood and thunder.

Boots on the ground.

None of this wishy-washy,

touchy-feely, hand-holding pish, huh?

I've never seen diversity, equity or inclusion arrest anyone.

OK, we'll look for trims in ALL departments.

Yeah. Get on it.

We need this done by the next finance round, right?

I'm a big fan of momentum, Chief.

Now serve.

I'm a big fan of momentum too, Minister.

Oh!

Sorry.

Ah! Ah!

OK.

Ah! Ah!

Ah, ladies.

Shift up.

You OK, Dad?Yep. Just...

Ah! Oh! Phew!

Heard you on the radio. Where are you going to find these cuts?

YOUR salary?

Well, you know, if it came to that,

I'd certainly consider considering it.

I know where you could save money by making cuts.Right.

I'm open to suggestions.

The police.

Well, no bad ideas in a brainstorm,

but we're thinking of first looking at the police choir.

They'll come for DEI. They always do.

Not on my watch. I am a fierce protector of progressive modernity.

So, ladies... women... people...

..who's tonight's author?

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

Ah, yes, yes.

A personal favourite of mine. Love her work.

Proceed.

Is Chimamanda writing from

a historical Marxist feminist worldview?

Or do we bracket her in a more modern, intersectional ecofeminists?

Dad?

Bit of both?

Look at that, Paul.

That's how much it costs to neuter all the dogs in the police force.

It's counterproductive. Just let them breed. We'll get free dogs.

What's the matter, Paul?

Justice Department have been in touch.

"List five ways to justify your job."

Ah! Figurehead, law enforcer, justice dispenser, hero and icon.

Not just you. It landed in everybody's inbox at 6am.

OK, OK.

We've all got the email.

It's just five things per staff member.

We can cover that off, can't we?

Forcing people to justify their existence is just plain wrong.

It should be voluntary. I've already done 50.

50? When?

Battered them out on the exercise bike,

and I'm about to batter out 50 more.

Well done, Muldoon.

Sorry, 50?

Lyndsey, you've got more than five too.

Just list them.

Play the game.

No, I'm taking a principled stand.

It might be to your benefit

and your department's.

So they're coming for me? For us?

No, no, no, no, no.

I haven't heard that, no, no.

There's been no indication of that whatsoever in any way at all.

But if they did, you'd defend me?

Lyndsey, it's me - the People's Chief.

YOUR Chief.

Your department is vital.

Life without you would be like a police car without its nee-naw.

Five positive measures. What even is that?

What even is this? What even am I? Why am I?

Where is the what, the why? Paul, Paul, Paul. Paul.

Listen, you do any number of positive things around here, OK?

You answer the phone...

Wait. I'll type that out before I forget. OK.

See what you've done.

Look at him. Oh.

Sorry, I forgot. That's why I came in. Um, Nadim is on the line.

Nadim?

What does The Codfather want now?

Fisheries Minister!

He's coming now?

Thank you.

I owe you some monkfish at The Balmoral for this.

Everyone, listen up!

McGurk's on his way!

All hands on deck!

I don't want any excuses.

It's not required.

It's not justified.

Ah, Minister, hello.

I wasn't expecting you.

Ah-ah-ah!

Woke alarm, Chief.

Some eejit put these posters up in your HQ.

Muldoon, get those right in the bin.

Now, since I'm here,

any chance you could show me how you're spending Scotland's money?

I'd be delighted!

After the water cannon, we can look at the riot boys kettling.

They tend to practise on their lunch hour.

Er, oh...

I'm sorry, I'm not wearing my hat.

Apologies.

Back to my office, everyone.

Do we need it, sir?Well, of course I need my hat, Muldoon.

This is the justice Minister.

Not-not the photocopier salesman.

He deserves to be treated with respect.

It's fine, Chief, let's kick on.

Right, are you sure about that? Because it is actually quicker,

I think, Muldoon, isn't it, if we go back to the, um...

DISTANT COMMOTION

What's that?This is...

Oh, um, this, I think, is an awards ceremony for bravery.

One of our heroes recently punched a devil dog!

Wow. Well done.

So what's this, then? Ah, thank you for your interest.

This is a team-building workshop.

Right. So you're in charge?

Yes. Lyndsey McLeod, Head of...

Many things!

Many, many things.

..Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.

Including those three things,

although we do refer to it these days as

the Department of Danger, Energy and Instinct,

which more clearly represents the work of the department.

And these are serving police officers?

Yes, they are.

So while one partner is blindfolded, the other provides instructions.

The challenge is to get through the obstacle course and then pick up

all these wee ping pong balls and pop them in the buckets.

Trust.

Yes, the more that the police trust in each other,

the more the public trusts the police.

Yes.So, the water cannon...

And what are these?

Now, these are for our empathy sessions.

Our officers develop their emotional intelligence.

Taxpayers' money going on what?

Messing about with ping pong balls and teddy bears.

No, that's not correct.

No? No.

Some of them are bunnies.

Chief, Chief, look at me.

I really want to support the police with a bigger budget.

Mm-hm. But for that to happen...

..heads must roll.

I mean, heads are already rolling, Minister.

We've already let Big Tam go.

He worked in the canteen.

He was so slow putting the tattie scones in the rolls.

Get out of here!

Chief...

..it is crystal clear what this organisation doesn't need.

You are a police FORCE,

not a therapy service.

You know what you need to do, Chief.

You said you would support me. And I did...

..until, well, certain circumstances arose that somewhat forced my hand.

Well, you're about to find out what life is like without your nee-naw.

You've done all that you can here.

We're sorted now. Brand-new!

Look, it's temporary.

McGurk...

Look, McGurk, McGurk won't be here forever.

Remember when the Justice Minister was from the Green Party

and we all had to cycle to work and only eat kale burgers, mm?

We're going to have a memorable farewell bash for you.

One for the ages, huh?

What can I do?

It's McGurk. He's the boss.

And he's gone Tonto!

Chief, if I could just correct you one last time,

I don't think you can say that.

Our priority is protecting the Scottish people.

Our zero-sum budget identified savings in DEI

and we had no alternative but to take action.

So, Chief Commissioner, shuttering the police force departments of

diversity, equity and inclusion.

Is that a necessary step to protect the Scottish people?

Why do you say that?

Because you did. No, I didn't.

We've just played the clip.

No, you haven't. But we did.

Well, I didn't hear it and I'm sure your listeners didn't either.

This is typical legacy media manipulation.

Take something that doesn't exist, play it,

claim that it does exist,

and then blame me when I point out that it doesn't.

Well, I'm not playing along.

Chief Commissioner, the Scottish people deserve not to be lied to.

I'll tell you what the Scottish people deserve.

They deserve safer, crime-free streets

and that is what I intend to deliver.

Perhaps you should concentrate on that, Connie, rather than semantics.

That's me away, Ellen.

I've put the oven timer on for your mini kievs.

Kyiv!

Sorry. Mini kyivs.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm just popping to Lyndsey's, er, leaving do.

You've sacked your Head of Diversity?

Well, no, no,

she's diversified into...

..non-employment.

Wriggle hard enough, and you can justify anything.

So, ladies... women... people...

..who's tonight's author?

Is it another Chimamanda?

The legend of Faust.

A mortal man with noble intentions who sells his soul to Mephistopheles

for earthly pleasures and selfish short-term gain.

But finds only guilt, torment and misery.

You should try a Ken Follett.

CHATTER

Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

Ah, fellow officers and support staff, we're here to, er,

say goodbye to, uh, Lyndsey McLeod, a loyal and indis...

FEEDBACK

SOMEONE COUGHS

..loyal servant of the Scottish Police Force.

But, well, it's on to pastures new for Lyndsey

and I just know that she will thrive wherever she goes.

And now, someone else will get the benefit of her awareness seminars

for the Gaelic language.

So, I just wanted to say, heh, er...

HE SPEAKS GAELIC

But we're not just here to bid a fond farewell to Lyndsey.

No, we are here to celebrate her many achievements.

Only last month, I know a lot of us,

erm, benefited from her, er,

menopositive and perimenopositive workshops.

I personally am now very perimenopositive.

For a man, that is an inclusive and supportive thing, er, to be.

It's not your concern any longer, though.

You don't have any skin in the game.

Can I...

Can I... say that?

Sounds a bit slavey, doesn't it? PEOPLE GASP

It's not, I'm sure.

I think it's probably from golf?

Or is it... Is it...

Oh, it's basketball, is it?

But either way, it wouldn't do, would it?

It wouldn't do to be a bit slavey, ha-ha,

at the... at the leaving do for the head

of my diversity, equity and inclusion.

Erm... Erm...

You're not going to help me, and that's... and that's fine, Lyndsey.

That's fine. I respect that, you know? Ha-ha.

Sell me down the river!

PEOPLE GASP Oh, no, that one is a bit slavey.

Sorry. Aha!

Yes. Look, enough of me.

Let's hear from the main man herself...

Woman. Person.

Lyndsey McLeod, everyone.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me here

and has been a friend to me.

This song says everything I want to say.

PEACEFUL MUSIC STARTS

♪ Of all the comrades that e'er I've had

♪ They are sorry... ♪

She'll be fine. She'll thrive!

More than thrive.

And we've got our bigger budget.

Sign-off is imminent, and that's good for the police.

We are pure muscle, no fat.

You know when you see two dogs shagging down by the canal

and the back dog's legs are shaking,

and he's straining, and his thighs are pure, smooth muscle?

That's us.

SINGING CONTINUES

We won't change our logo to that quite yet, but...

♪ Goodnight and joy be with you all. ♪

Woo!

And this next song is for everybody else.

This is Suck My Fury by Hate Pusher.

Paul!

METAL MUSIC STARTS

♪ Aaaaaargh!

♪ Suck my fury!

♪ Suck my furyyyy!

♪ Aaaaaargh! ♪

Kimberly.

Agh!

You're on the right side of history, Chief.

Who knows what we can achieve, now we've got rid of those clowns?

Yeah, this is only the beginning.

So... what's your next move, killer?

Ah...

My next move is for Lyndsey.

I'm bringing Lyndsey back, and her department.

Oh!

That was a good one, Chief!

Lyndsey...

Wait...

What? Y-you're being serious?Yeah.

DEI never arrested anybody.

CHIEF SCOFFS

There's more to policing than arrest.

Ah, bullshit!

The force IS arrest.

Clue's in the name - force.

Yeah, the force is also about...

People!

Community! Support and respect!

Yeah, and what's so wrong with

people, community, support and respect?

Save it for your leaving speech. Och...

You know, I'll have your arse for this.

I'll send you to Thurso.

Oh, Thurso! That's very ni...

I like Thurso. Do you know what I like most about Thurso?

Its golf course and...

Oh, you're not there,

so I won't have to listen to your Billy Big Bollocks bullshit

and your zero-sum budgets and your slogans!

PPP!

You are a proper petty prick!

You know, I thought you had bollocks, Miekelson, yeah?

I need a man to run my police force.

A proper alpha.

A stag! A bull!

Not a feeble beta cuck!

Ah, shut up and serve, McGurk!

It's Minister!

Ugh!

THUD!

Oh, my God.

Ambulance, ambulance, ambulance...

No...

Paul...

LINE RINGS

Paul, what time is the budget signed off in committee?

Any minute, Chief. It should be on the website soon.

OK, Paul, let me know. I'll hold. OK.

KNOCK ON DOOR

We've actually booked this court!

Sorry! We'll...

Just one minute. One final rally.

We're... We're almost there.

One minute!

Anything, Paul?

Still nothing? Nope.

Won't be long!

Ha! Hell of a rally!

Oh, wait!

W-wait... That's it confirmed.

OK. The budget's increased.

Yes! More money!

Thank you, Paul! Yes!

Oh, and get an ambulance here as soon as possible. Oh...

I'll explain later.

Oh... Will do.

Oh, no!

Oh, no! He's collapsed! Help!

How's it hanging?

You can't say that, Chief.

McGurk looked so fit...

..but then not all vulnerabilities are visible.

I heard aboot McGurk - RIP an' that - but...

SHE GASPS

..at least the Turbo Tasers have arrived.

Power tae the polis.

Good to see yer back.

I'm hosting a seminar this afternoon.

Empathy in the workplace.

You interested?

Aye. Sign me up. I'll be there.

Ah!

There he is.

Back where he belongs.

Terrible news about McGurk.

Terrible. All thoughts at this time.

Mm. And the nation is grateful to you for providing continuity

and accepting your old job back.

A little welcome home gift.

- Oh! - NADIM CHUCKLES

So, are we going for lunch?

Monkfish was mentioned.

Oh, my treat.

I'll put it on expenses.

There's plenty in the budget.

♪ I'm blue Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ I'm blue Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di. ♪