Original subtitles

Now, Chief, I'm sure you're on it like a Ford Fiesta bonnet,

but we need this visit to pass without incident.

We are expecting protests,

potential serious disorder.

Well, he is a fascist.

No, no, no. We can't be heard using terms like that.

We would prefer fascist-esque.

Fascist adjacent!

Rest easy, Minister. The riot teams are in full training.

We sourced a job lot of past-their-sell-by-date pumpkins

so that they could practise...

Actually, you don't need to know the details.

Suffice to say, the visit will be incident free.

Now, this is a big deal,

which is why we've loosened our belts a wee bit

around the restrictions to undercover ops.

We have the sneakiest,

most duplicitous telltale tits

embedded in all the Antifa groups.

Excellent.

Now, politically,

we don't agree with a single thing his regime stands for. Hmm?

But diplomatically, we need to roll out the red carpet.

And we shall provide the velvet ropes for the golden goose.

Excellent code name.

The thing is, Chief, it's a matter of trade, you see?

His whole country has got a tartan fetish.

They import kilts, shortbread, whisky.

Major export market to the...

Fascists. ..fascist-esques.

The fascist adjacents!

So, while we may have to hold our collective noses,

this visit simply must go smoothly.

The First Minister, the Scottish Government,

even the UK Government are depending on you.

Rest assured, Minister,

there shall be no drop-off in the sale

of china Scottie dogs on my watch!

Good man.

Oh, help yourself to a burfi.

My brother just had his seventh kid.

Oh, well, send my congratulations to the family!

Thank you, Minister.

Mm!

Is that cardamom?!

Shouldn't work, but it does!

CAMERON SIGHS

I thought we were divorced?

I knew you'd forget.

He's forgotten, Ellen!

Andy, Dad!

Andy's coming round!

Oh, that's tonight?

Sorry, I'll... I'll get changed.

Try and be normal with this one, Cameron!

I'm always normal!

You had the last one arrested!

He was doing 23 in a 20!

- The law's the law, Barbara! - DOORBELL RINGS

Right! That's him!

Get a shift on, Dad!

I'm sure you'd prefer me in a pair of trousers.

Hello! Hi!

Mum, this is Andy.

Hi. Oh, it's so lovely to meet you, Mrs Miekelson!

Actually, it's Ms Bannigan these days.

But please, Andrew, you can call me Barbara.

Barbara. Got it.

BARBARA LAUGHS

Well, look at this merry gathering!

Cameron Miekelson.

Dad, this is Andy.

Of course it is.

It's Andy. There's nobody else here.

It's... got to be Andy.

That's it. Andy's in the house. Hello.

Barbara, you've met... Andy?

Let's...! Yep!

You know, because that's what people do when they're meeting

for the first time, which is what we're doing, after all.

Yes.Hello. Hi.Welcome.

Nice to meet you.Yes.

Andrew, sit here. Yes.

Andy, welcome.

Make yourself at...

Oh, you don't have a drink?

We're on G&Ts. Oh, it's OK - I don't actually drink.

No? Well, a soft drink, then?

Come with me. You can choose. We've plenty soft drinks.

Yes. A Ribena, maybe? Great.

He's not five!

No, no, it's fine. That sounds lovely.

Do you like Vimto? Oh, partial to Vimto, yeah.

What about kombucha? Maybe one of your ginger kombuchas?

Just go down here, Andy.

I'm sure we'll find you something to drink, Andy.

Steve! Steve, what is going on?

This is bad. This is really bad.

No! Are you...? I'm working, sir. I'm on a job.

This is an undercover...? An undercover operation?!

Aye! I was assigned to an anti-fascist protest group

because of Golden Goose's visit.

Ellen was my way in!

Oh...

I had no idea she was your daughter.

Oh, right, the name Miekelson didn't ring any bells?!

You're no' the only Miekelsons in Scotland, sir!

And you don't exactly feature on her Instagram page!

Brilliant police work, Detective Constable...

The bloody high line that he insists on playing, huh?

Exactly. The boy is mad. With the pace we've got in the wings?

The pace in the wings, eh, Ellen?

Mum wants pretzels.

Oh, she is...!

She's pretzel daft, she is!

So she... Honestly, she'll turn into a pretzel, that one.

Steve, this evening is over. OK.

Make your excuses and leave.

Meaty nibble, Andrew?

Oh, sorry, I'm...

I'm vegan, Barbara.

- Oh! - BARBARA LAUGHS

Doesn't drink, doesn't eat meat.

Cheap date, Ellen!

So, how was it you two actually met?

So, we were on a march,

protesting against the upcoming visit of that fascist.

Oh! And...

We were both in different groups but got kettled together.

And then our eyes just met across the barricade.

I think that's what they call a meet cute.

What's that? Can anyone else hear that buzzing?

Oh, that's somebody's phone.

No. No, it's not.

No, I think that's a phone. Andy, is that your phone?

No, I think it's your phone.

Is it? Oh!

I...

Oh! Buzzing.

Oh, hang on.

It's probably a text.

Oh, it is a text. Yes.

Oh, no.

Ah, it's...

Oh!

Tragedy has struck at the squat.

Emil. You know Emil? Uh-huh.

He's one of the boys in the squat. Has very sadly lost his dog.

Ah! I'm going to have to go and help him find it.

Oh, dear! I'm so sorry, guys!Oh!

It's a three-legged whippet. It's not going to go very far.

Ellen, the boy - Emil, yeah? - he's clearly distraught!

He is.His wee dog's out there, running around.

The least Andy can do is go and help him look for it.

Good for you, Andy. Good for you.

Got yourself a dog lover here, eh?

Well, look, it's been lovely meeting you, but goodbye.

Yes.

Listen, don't tell anyone about this, OK?

And I mean anyone!

If it ever got out that the chief's daughter's

the target of an undercover operation...

Absolutely, sir. It's understood. I'll figure out what to do.

Do you know the underground car park at Morrisons?

Yeah.I'll meet you there tomorrow, four in the PM.

So very nice to meet you.

And I very much hope that w-we'll be able to spend more time together

the next time you're around, Ste... A-A-Andy!

That's Andy. I'll look forward to seeing you again soon, Andrew.

Bye. Night. Well, goodnight to you.

Thank you.

Well, I thought he was absolutely charming, Ellen.

Are you ever going to be normal with one of my boyfriends?

Do you have to ruin everything for her?

He clearly left because he was uncomfortable with you.

So hard to see my little girl growing up, drifting away.

You're going to have to let her go, Cameron!

Particularly if he's the one.

He's not the one.

Well, I thought he was lovely.

A what you see is what you get kind of guy.

Is what you see what you get, though?

Sometimes what you're not seeing is what you're getting.

Although I still don't understand young people.

Not drinking?

And from what Ellen tells me,

they're not having a physical relationship.

Excellent news!

Good old-fashioned morals!

You know, that's what this country lacks!

They're young!

They should be enjoying themselves!

Christ, even we had our moments.

The Ford Fiesta.

The Regal Hotel, Galashiels.

The bunker on the fifth at The Royal Burgess.

The physical side of a relationship is so important.

You don't want to be disappointed.

You think you're shopping for aubergine

and you find yourself in the gherkin aisle.

Besides, if he really is the one,

she doesn't want to leave it too long, miss out on him,

end up married to the wrong idiot for 30 years.

It was 32 years.

TRAM BELL TOLLS

I'm off for a meeting, Paul.

Where? There's no meeting in the diary.

It's fine. Have I forgot to put a meeting in the diary?

No, no. Not your fault.

I'll just pop the meeting in the diary.

No need. I'm going to the meeting now.

It'll only take a minute. No, Paul...

Where's the meeting? I'll just pop it in the diary.Paul...

No, Paul. I don't want to miss a meeting.

Paul. I can't be unprof...Paul!

Can I trust you?

With your life, sir.

This must go no further.

Ellen is dating an undercover cop,

and I have to go now and sort it all out.

Ellen? Ellen's been infiltrated?

D-Don't put it like that, but, yes.

No-one must know.

I'm privileged. The only one in the know,

like Matt Damon in The Departed.

It's actually Mark Wahlberg who's in the know, but, yeah.

Yeah, Wahlberg.

I'm Mark Wahlberg!

Paul, where's the chief away to?

He has gone...

..to the dentist.

Er, he's having a root canal in his upper left third.

Hey, Steve.

I thought you were a vegan?

Oh, it's part of my cover, sir.

To be honest, it's the hardest part to keep up.

Three-legged whippet!

Is that the best you could come up with?

I wouldn't be writing your Oscar acceptance speech.

You took me by surprise.

It's hard doing it in front of your boss.

OK, you are "pretend seeing" my daughter.

How pretend? How embedded are you?

How deep has this gone?

SQUEAKING

Yeah, not deep. Not deep at all.

Just... There's little to no depth. We're just courting.

Courting? How romantic. Well, this ends now.

You've got to get yourself transferred out of undercover ops.

What, right now?Yes.

I can get you a transfer anywhere you want.

Armed response, motorcycle display team - top of the triangle.

What about money laundering?

You'll meet a lot of nice girls in the nail parlour.

Just take your pick.

Can't. My bosses will never allow it.

I'm your boss!

No, I mean undercover bosses.

The bosses even you can't know about.

Chief, the info I'm getting is absolute gold dust.

Nobody wants Antifa sparking up a big old billy bifter

in the Holyrood box.

OK, I'll figure out how to end this, for Ellen's sake.

How can I get in touch with you?

Oh, er...

Keep shtoom. OK.

I'll be in contact with a plan.

Remember, I'M your boss!

And your fake girlfriend's father!

I think some might question the use of taxpayer money

to protect a brutal dictator.

One man's dictator is another man's straight-talking strongman.

He's kept in power by an oppressive police force.

And?

Is she...? Are you...? Is she...?

What is the point in having laws if we can't enforce them?

Look, no-one's advocating for a police state here.

Well...

It's imperative we stop protesters getting near him.

Sitting in the middle of the road, stopping normal folk

getting to their work.

I'd water cannon the lot of them.

We need to respect civil liberties

and the democratic right to protest.

On that subject, Muldoon, any feedback from undercover ops?

Have they turned out to be a bit of a failure

and not really worth pursuing at all?

Oh, no, sir. Major result there, sir.

Undercover have came through big style.

With their intel, we've collared a number of protesters

and quashed their attempts to shut down Edinburgh Airport.

Tremendous.

Great news. Great news!

But you're absolutely sure the info came from undercover?

Well, yes. We got a tip-off.

And because of that, we were able to confiscate the drones

they were going to use. Now we've got them tabled up for media.

The news is lapping it up.

Well, maybe...

Maybe now's the time to shut undercover down.

Quit while we're ahead. Go out on a high.

No way, sir.

They are just getting started, and they're going in deep.

Don't say deep. Deeper than they've ever gone before.

Undercover is a fruit machine that is going to keep paying out.

Ka-ching, ka-ching, jackpot!

Ka-ching. Good.

No, no, no, Connie.

Just because the group we targeted were anti-fascist

doesn't mean that the Scottish Police Force

are pro-fascist.

You can be anti-Antifa and still not be pro-Profa.

So you can guarantee our listeners, then, that you'll preserve

their right to protest?

Absolutely.

We are dedicated to protecting citizens' right to protest.

And their right to counter-protest.

And indeed to protect the rights of an overseas leader

who cracks down on personal freedoms,

to move freely, personally within Scotland.

Freedom of movement is sacrosanct in Caledonia.

Old Firm day aside.

OK, our listeners have had their say.

As you would imagine, it's split down the middle.

There are some who want the visit banned completely,

and others who are saying,

"Let's give them the full VIP treatment."

We've had this text in from Senga, who's in Sighthill,

who'd like to point out that the real fascists are BBC Scotland.

Great press for your Edinburgh Airport

shut down intervention.

This is what we like to see.

Oh, we do. Oh, and full marks for your methods.

It would appear that your undercover ops are Top Of The Pops.

So you're happy to keep the undercover ops operational?

Well, why would we not?

I'm concerned, Minister.

Morally.

One man's morals are another man's career advancement opportunity.

Why don't we have a pause on the undercover ops,

and then you could have an inquiry?

You love your inquiries here.

You could have an inquiry, and then you could have an inquiry

into THAT inquiry.

We're both coming out of this very well.

The highest office in the land is taking notice.

So it's undercover all the way?

Good, good.

Steve, I can't shut it down. Er...

I know I said I was going to get you out,

and I am going to get you out,

but you're not out.

Undercover's doing too good a job!

Well, thank you - but what about Ellen?

You have my permission to continue "fake seeing" my daughter.

But as long as there is honour within the deceit!

We'll practise safe... protesting.

And once the operation's over,

then you can finish with her!

OK, sir. Understood.

But gently.

She has abandonment issues with men for some reason.

Here, is this car park Red Three?

Er, no, I think this is car park Red Two.

You want one up, son. Cheers.

Where are you going?

To see Andy.

Andy. H-How are you two getting on?

I really like him.

I just want you to be careful.

Careful?!

It's easy to get swept up in a romance!

Are you policing my love life again?

"Love" - is there even such a thing as love?

There's the sort of love I feel for you

and, say, Pat Stanton...

..and then there's romantic love.

And the brutal truth is that romantic love,

it lasts - whoa - 18 months, tops.

Just enough time for you to get the local girl

in the village pregnant.

We're just conned into continuing the species.

Dad, Andy makes me happy.

I just don't want you getting hurt.

When you know, you know.

But you don't know.

That's my point. Nobody ever knows.

I know. You don't know.

No!

Oh, what have I done?

I forced my daughter to go out with an undercover cop

that she doesn't know is an undercover cop,

all for my own personal gain!

This is a moral nightmare.

It's wrong. It's so wrong.

Ellen's a real person with real feelings.

You can't chart complicated emotions

with wee bits of string.

I do have lots of colours.

No, I have to put Ellen first.

I'm going to get in touch with Steve and close it down.

I don't care how good the information is

or how many arrests it leads to.

Or how pleased the Government is,

or how many medals you might be awarded.

Medals?

You think there might be medals in it for me?

Lord Miekelson of Morningside.

Got a bit of a ring to it. Mm.

Good.

No, what am I doing?

I'm doing it again!

No, I have to be the responsible father.

Ellen, she's just fallen in with a bad crowd,

and I have to deal with it.

Does that not mean we're the bad crowd?

You see, it's a moral maze!

I'm calling it in.

PHONE RINGS

You're through to Andy. Please don't bother leaving a message

on this tracking device of the Deep State

as I'm out fighting Nazis.

Namaste-ay!

Lyndsey, speaking hypothetically,

say I wanted to get in touch

with one of our undercover operatives

our little Donnie Brascos - how would I go about that?

That's impossible. It could compromise an operation.

It goes completely against protocol.

But say I REALLY needed to?

If it was super imperative that I speak to one of them?

Sorry, Chief.

Right.

Ellen, I need to respect your life choices more.

Invite Andy round again for dinner.

We'll have Mum, too.

Clean slate.

Let your father get to know the real Andy.

OK.

Ah!

That actually means a lot to me, Dad.

Andy! Oh! Hi!

Come on, let's hug it out, son!

Ah! Andy!

It's good to see you, Andy!

Have a seat.

Hi. Hi. Hello, Barbara.

Mum, could you please give me a hand in the kitchen?

Yeah, sure.

We are having Andy's favourite -

jackfruit and mushroom curry.

Oh, ANDY'S favourite?

God, that is everyone's favourite!

Oh, delicious!

Steve, listen, I have a duty of care to my daughter

that's more important than any undercover operation.

And you have to stop seeing Ellen.

Er, I can't do that, sir.

Yes, you can. You have to. Forget work.

No, it's not that.

Well, what is it, then? Well, I just...

I really like her.

What? Yeah, I've fallen for her - hard.

No, no, no, you haven't.

Yeah. No, I have.No, no, you haven't. No, you haven't.

Yeah, I have. I have. No, no, you haven't.

No, you're not understanding me. You have not fallen for her.

I have. I've really got to know her.

You haven't. You've known her for about two weeks!

Yeah, but when you know, you know!

But you don't know!

Ellen, she's fickle.

One week it's Trotsky, the next it's Taylor Swift.

Don't get involved with her.

She doesn't know her arse from her elbow, that one.

Whoa! Hey, don't insult my girlfriend.

She's not your girlfriend!

Yeah, but she feels like my girlfriend!

Like, honestly, Chief, she's so passionate in her beliefs.

And her smile. Her smile, Chief!

The way her nose wrinkles - it's adorable!

For 18 months, tops.

And then everything that you find adorable about her

will drive you out your nut!

Like her chewing her hair when she's watching the television,

and leaving her toe clippings on the rim of the bath.

Oh, that's classic Ellen.

I just... I think we might have a future together.

You do not have a future together.

It could be one of the great love stories.

Like, er, Jack and Rose!

He died.

All right, well, Anna Karenina and Vronsky.

She died.

Romeo and Juliet.

They both died!

Steve, Ellen is going to find out that I've been lying to her.

She's probably going to think this whole thing was my idea.

My daughter will never speak to me again,

and all because of you!

Love will triumph.

Steve, you've lost your mind.

Well, if love is losing your mind,

I don't want to be sane.

OK, Steve...

Gentlemen! Dinner's ready. Oh, Steve's not hungry.

Who's Steve?

Hmm? Steve?

There's no Steve.

No. Are you...? Andy, are you Steve?

No.No, see? No Steve!

No Steve. No, Andy's not hungry.

He's got one of these, er, wee vegan tummies.

You know? It's about... It's about the size of a walnut.

You never did tell us what you do for a living, Andrew.

That's a good question.

Yeah, how do you earn an honest crust, Andy?

Ah, it's... I dabble in a bit of this, bit of that.

Tell him!

Oh, it's...

I'm embarrassed.

He has a dream of being an actor.

Oh!Oh!

An actor, Andy!

Oh, but that's tough work.

Pretending to be someone else all day, working for a director -

a boss that you have to obey.

Andy's not that career-minded anyways.

No.

Yeah, I'm beginning to sense that.

A job is a job is a job.

Very true.

Some say work to live, don't live to work.

Mm. Others say, "Do your work right

"or your life won't be worth living."

BARBARA COUGHS

Well, that was delicious.

Cheese? Pudding?

Can I get you another carton, Andrew?

Er, no. We better be going, Andy.

We are meeting some of the others at the Blue Albion for a lock-in.

Oh, best get going.

Yes, those anti-capitalist leaflets and amusing banners -

well, they won't daub themselves!

THEY LAUGH

Don't you want Ellen to be happy?

Why can't you even consider it?

And what are you doing telling her there's no such thing as love?

What sort of message is that?

He's a decent young man.

You just can't see past his politics or his lifestyle.

Honestly, you're getting worse as you get older.

Reactionary. Unforgiving.

Intolerant. Impatient. Rude.

He's an undercover cop!

He infiltrated our protest group.

Wow.

Cameron, this is pathetic.

If you don't like him, just own it.

I do like him.

But as a policeman.

Don't tell anyone.

Right, troops. Today's the day.

Undercover have came through, big style.

Total dynamite info.

Now, we know a couple of protest groups will be meeting

at a warehouse before travelling to blockade

the A8 from the airport.

Intel suggests they've got a couple of JCBs,

a trailer full of concrete slabs and some vats of orange paint

with the potential to seriously derail the visit.

Well, it's our job to piss on their chips. Yes!

ALL CHEER

Let's go, go, go!

Come on, move it!

We're going to go in fast, in hard.

One minute away, Keith.

Good luck.

Right. 30 seconds away.

Move it, move it!

Settle. Settle.

That's us in position, Chief.

It's boom, shake the room time.

Three, two, one...

Go, go, go!

Ohh, shite!

We've been given duff information, Chief.

Steve's been played. Fake intel.

HE SIGHS

POLICE SIREN RINGTONE

Minister. What is going on, Chief Commissioner? Mm?

Parliament is besieged.

It's utter mayhem. Protestors everywhere.

I thought you were detaining them all.

We were fed a false lead, Minister.

Where's, er, Golden Goose?

He's taken refuge in a tartan gift shop on the high street.

Well, he does love his knick-knacks.

This is a disaster.

I am going to recommend to Parliament

that this undercover programme is shut down once and for all.

Good, yes.

Excellent idea.

Wise move, Minister.

So Andy and I have decided to take a break.

Really? Yeah.

Turns out he wasn't quite the man I thought he was.

Hmm.

Or maybe you aren't quite the woman he thought you were, either.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh. When did you work it out?

I suspected he was a blue from the moment I met him.

Ironed jeans. Come on.

But it was confirmed when I got him to meet you.

Got him to meet me?

Yeah. I needed to be sure,

so I invited him for drinks, and you blew it big time.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh! Let's shake hands,

"because we are meeting for the first time,

"and that's what normal people do."

Don't ever play poker, Dad.

Solid police work, Miekelson.

Sorry. He was a terrible undercover cop.

Good shag, though.

♪ Would I lie to you?

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Would I lie to you, honey?

♪ Oh, no, no, no

♪ Now would I say something that wasn't true?

♪ I'm asking you, sugar, would I lie to you?

♪ My friends know what's in store

♪ I won't be here any more

♪ I've packed my bags, I've cleaned the floor

♪ Watch me walking, walking out the door... ♪