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"As Aristotle said, knowing yourself
is the beginning of all wisdom,
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"but this is about you,
the great Scottish public,
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00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,879
"getting to know me - who I am,
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"why I am.
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"And no-one better knows
the I of who I am than me.
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"I'm Cameron Miekelson.
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"I was born for greatness,
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"born to serve,
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"born for justice."
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APPLAUSE
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Ah!
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9:30 and we've already got
the foreword in the bag.
13
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Dougray Scott, you are a pro, sir.
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Well, I hope I'm capturing
some of the you in there.
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Brother from another mother.
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You were always my first choice,
Mr Scott.
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You bring my sense of command,
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intelligence, gravitas.
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If I had one...
I hesitate to use the word "note".
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One little torch beam
to guide you on your way -
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sexier.
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Chief, remember,
Mr Scott is away at 6:00.
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Oh, we'll be done long before then.
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And you wrote all this yourself,
Chief? Every word.
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That way, I can guarantee
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that it's 100% honest,
truthful and accurate.
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In your own time, Dougray.
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OK.
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"My childhood was tough.
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"Home was a modest, detached
Victorian villa in Corstorphine.
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"As a family of five,
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"we were all forced to
share the same Aga.
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- "The fires of injustice..."
- DOOR BUZZES
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Sorry, sir, but I need a word.
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Oh, sorry, Dougray.
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Muldoon, we're recording the
audiobook of my autobiography here!
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I know you are, sir,
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and I'm very much looking forward
to reading it.
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00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:51,279
Or having it read to you
by a bona fide A-lister?
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Aye. Sir, I need to talk to you
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about the opening of the
Safe Drug Consumption Facility.
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Do they do deliveries?
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PAUL LAUGHS
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Deliveries...
It's no laughing matter, pal.
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Drug-taking is against the law.
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And the government are
as good as saying,
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"Come away in. Chop out a few.
Don't mind us."
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Muldoon, I've cleared
my diary for this,
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left you in charge,
and you're down here already?
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Sorry, sir,
but I just need your advice.
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MIEKELSON SIGHS
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Sorry, Dougray. I've got to step out
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for a quick strategy powwow
with my deputy.
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Shall we just crack on
with the recording?
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I'd rather you didn't,
if that's OK with you.
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Every word is vitally
important to me.
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Every colon, semicolon and umlaut.
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Is there an umlaut?
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There is, actually. Page 357 -
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when I tell Helmut Kohl that his
reaction is "ubertrieben".
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00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,079
That's over the top, Muldoon.
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I'll be quick as I can.
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DOOR BUZZES
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You're, er...
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00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:52,879
You're doing very well, Mr Scott.
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Sounds fire.
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Thank you, Paul.
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00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,159
Could you do something
amazing for me?
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It's my sister's hen night,
and she's a massive stan.
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Like, major.
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00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:08,559
Is there any way you could pop along
to the Voodoo Lounge and say hi?
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I'm on a flight to LA. I don't think
the plane will wait for me.
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Fine. No stress.
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00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,839
So you could maybe record a video?
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Shall we just do the book first?
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00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,119
Well, the Chief did say
to wait till he gets back.
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We're on the clock, Paul.
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Oh, OK. Um...
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Let's go rogue!
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So this next passage coming up
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is from when the Chief
was a wee boy.
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Just imagine the Chief,
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but, like, much, much smaller,
with hair.
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I know what a wee boy is, Paul.
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Of course. Yep.
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Right. Um...
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And...
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..action.
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So what's the issue?
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I thought the opening of this
Safe Drug Facility was months away.
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00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,879
They moved it forward.
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00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:03,199
Yeah, well, you know
what junkies are like.
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00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,559
Desperate to get tore in.
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00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:08,559
We need to make a statement
outlining the police position ASAP -
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00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,239
get it online and out in the media.
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Well, it's a government initiative.
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We support it.
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00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,959
But we shouldn't! It's a place
where wee jakeys can shoot up
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00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,039
and we're supposed
to turn a blind eye.
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It's a facility where people
can safely consume drugs
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00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,159
in the presence of trained
health professionals.
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00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,399
Drug-taking is illegal.
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Yes, but the SDCF makes it legal.
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00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:35,759
It's like a bar in a Scottish
airport at 6:00 in the AM.
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Normal rules don't apply!
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00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,839
So you chug down a Staropramen
with a Jagerbomb chaser.
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00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,319
OK, sir.
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00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,079
I'll draft up a cautious
statement of support,
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as long as we can... Yes, yes.
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Outside the facility,
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if you take a drug,
you're straight to the jug.
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Muldoon.
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Together, we will win
this war on drugs...
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..or legalise them all.
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Whatever works!
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00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,079
Look, I've got to get back.
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The tome waits for no man.
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00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,599
Actually, that's quite good. I'll...
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00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,160
I'll try and work that in.
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"I was just a small boy.
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00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,999
"My ambition was to be
a policeman..."
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DOOR BUZZES
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"but how could I achieve
this impossible dream?
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"Nervously, I entered my
father's study and asked him,
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00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,039
"'Do you know of any way
I could join the police force,
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00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,919
"'Chief Superintendent Miekelson?'"
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00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,759
A little bit of
early morning mutiny?
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00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,119
Well, I just thought that
we should crack on, Chief.
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00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,639
Well, I'll let it slide.
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Sounded excellent.
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No notes.
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00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,439
Now, Dougray, for this next section,
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00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,039
we move forward in time
to Edinburgh in the 1980s
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00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,679
and the skag epidemic.
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00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,319
You get to embody the true hero
of the Trainspotting era -
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00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,959
a fearless young
police officer - myself.
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00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,399
Take it away.
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00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:59,119
"Leith, 1985.
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00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,039
"I had the miscreant cornered
in his bedsit hellhole.
140
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,199
"The sweat was pishing aff
141
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,040
- "the doss radge bam."
- DOOR BUZZES
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00:06:06,043 --> 00:06:07,999
So sorry I'm late, Chief.
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00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,439
Gaelic helpline bot
teething troubles.
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00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:13,119
Oh, it's not still autocorrecting
to Latvian?
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00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:14,400
Abair burach!
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HE SIGHS
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Dougray! Ah! I had Lyndsey McLeod,
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00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,959
my head of diversity,
equity and inclusion,
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00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,639
give the manuscript
a quick sensitivity read.
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00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,279
We don't want to startle
the Gen Zedders.
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00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,919
I've highlighted all the
problematic areas in red.
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So, for example, here,
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maybe we could try and
steer clear of the B-word.
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What, bam?
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It's the language of the streets!
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We need to be wary of
oversensitivity, Lyndsey.
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00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:44,880
Carry on, Dougray.
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00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:50,519
"The sweat was pishing aff
the doss radge bam.
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00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:54,279
"The nutjob might as well have had
'junkie' tattooed on his forehead.
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00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,999
"He had a mouth like
a donkey's gash."
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
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Chief, that is a major red pen.
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00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,319
That's how people spoke back then!
164
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,119
It's authentic, raw, gritty.
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00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:10,999
The G-word is one of the most
offensive terms there is.
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You'll get cancelled.
Your book will get pulped.
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00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,959
It'll be in the bin
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with My Booky Wook and
The Best Of P Diddy.
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00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,520
Don't forget Michelle Mone's
My Fight To The Top.
170
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,439
What's... What's the problem?
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No problems,
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as long as we change bam to B-word,
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radge to R-word,
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00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,439
nutjob to the N-word...
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No, that will complicate things.
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So if we could change
nutjob to headcase
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and headcase to H-word.
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We could record two versions.
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We could record three versions
for super-duper safety.
180
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,759
Why don't you just put a warning
sticker on the dust jacket?
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"Contains trigger words".
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00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,079
Ah!
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00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:57,279
Like parental guidance
recommended kind of thing.
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I'd be like Ice-T,
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but without all the cop killing.
186
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,439
Yeah, that could work.
187
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,639
Excellent idea, Dougray.
188
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,199
Paul, order the stickers
and have them print up
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00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,519
some "Winner of the Baillie Gifford
Prize for Non-Fiction"
190
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:11,879
while you're about it.
191
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,559
Thank you. Continue, Dougray.
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Crack on.
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Sorry. Press on.
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00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,799
"Leith, 1985.
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00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,279
"I had the miscreant cornered
in his bedsit hellhole.
196
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,079
"The sweat was pishing aff
197
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,079
"the doss radge bam."
198
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,880
- PHONE RINGS
- Oh, sorry.
199
00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:30,519
Sorry, Dougray. Two minutes.
Got to take this.
200
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:31,959
You answer to Hollywood,
201
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,479
I answer to Holyrood.
202
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,799
Justice Minister.
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00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,400
- Hello!
- DOOR BUZZES
204
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,959
Mr Scott. As a slogan
for a hen night sash,
205
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,119
which slays better -
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00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,360
"the hen is a ten"
or "the bride's a ride"?
207
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,079
Working hard, Chief?
208
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,599
Always, Minister.
209
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,599
Fighting crime 24/7.
210
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,199
I heard you were recording
your autobiography.
211
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,519
Currently fighting crime
through the medium of literature.
212
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:03,839
Right, down to business.
213
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,199
Onto this Safe Drugs
Consumption Facility.
214
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,839
My deputy is drafting our statement
even as we speak.
215
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,239
Good. This is important for us.
216
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,479
The FM wants our ducks
in a row on this one.
217
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,919
Even though some of our ducks
are floating downstream,
218
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,199
tripping off their beaks.
219
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:22,039
Understood. When it comes
to safe drugs consumption,
220
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,399
we need to be playing
the right mood music.
221
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,079
We'll blast White Lines
outside the facility,
222
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:31,159
but inside,
it's Sorted For E's & Wizz.
223
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,999
We're dancing to your tune,
Minister.
224
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,399
Glad to hear it, Chief.
225
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:37,359
Good luck with the statement
and good luck with your book.
226
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,119
Luck! Was Dickens lucky?
227
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:43,679
Did he sclaff one in off the post?!
228
00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:46,239
But rest assured, Minister,
229
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,759
right now, this
drug facility statement
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00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,400
is my absolute number-one
top priority.
231
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,319
"It was a charity game.
232
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,879
"I passed to King Kenny and he said,
233
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:03,159
"Chief, you could have turned pro."
234
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,879
"Yes, I admit mistakes were made,
235
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,239
"but they were someone else's
mistakes."
236
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,959
"I learnt later that I am only
one of seven people in the country
237
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:17,399
who are privileged enough to call
King Charles The Chuckster."
238
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,439
Excellent work, Dougray.
239
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:20,559
We're flying.
240
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,999
Now, moving on to
one of the most famous cases
241
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,319
in my long and distinguished career,
242
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,919
when I single-handedly arrested
243
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:32,679
notorious gang leader and
psycho-bam, Wee Toldo MacLeish.
244
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,439
Wasn't that DI MacPherson?
245
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,599
No. No. Why do you say that?
246
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,999
Well, because I played MacPherson
in a BBC Two adaptation
247
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,799
about that whole...
That was a terrible series!
248
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,079
Shocking research.
249
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,599
Honestly, one call to me,
and I'd have put them straight.
250
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:51,959
It was me. I've cornered
Wee Toldo in his Pilton lair.
251
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,719
In your own time.
252
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:57,759
"I could hear Toldo's
distinctive voice from within.
253
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,959
"'Oh, no, it's Miek. He's on his own,
254
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,719
"'but Miek doesnae need backup, ken.
255
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,999
"'Miek's total barry
in a swedge, ken.'"
256
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,719
Excuse me, Dougray. Sorry.
257
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:09,119
Wee Toldo had a slightly
higher voice than that.
258
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,719
It was a wee bit more...
259
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,319
"Miek doesnae
need backup, ken.
260
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,399
"Miek's total barry
in a swedge, ken."
261
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,119
"Miek doesnae
need backup, ken.
262
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,399
"Miek's total barry
in a swedge, ken."
263
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:22,319
One more for me,
and really lean into the nasal.
264
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,639
"Miek doesnae
need backup, ken.
265
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,199
"Miek's total barry
in a swedge, ken."
266
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,999
"Miek doesnae
need backup, ken.
267
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,799
"Miek's total barry
in a swedge, ken."
268
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,679
That's the magic right there.
269
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,319
And in this next bit,
I just wanted to check
270
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:35,919
this is what Wee Toldo
actually said. Yes.
271
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:37,599
It's very specific dialogue.
272
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,199
Well, I have a photographic memory.
273
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,359
Total recall.
OK, well, you've got him cornered.
274
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,919
He's looking at ten-stretch minimum.
275
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,959
And in the middle of being arrested,
he said... How it's written
276
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,320
is exactly what he said.
277
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:50,999
OK.
278
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:55,239
"As I cuffed him, the doss radge
considered my visage.
279
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,239
"'I've only seen photos of you
before, Miekelson.
280
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,079
"'You're much better-looking
in the flesh.'"
281
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,120
- Now you're cooking, big boy.
- DOOR BUZZES
282
00:12:03,121 --> 00:12:04,679
Sorry, Chief. Could I have a word?
283
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,439
Oh, sorry. Two ticks, Dougray.
284
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,280
Keep it nasal.
Keep it nasal!
285
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,399
So what's the problem now, Muldoon?
286
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,759
It's the skag shed.
287
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,399
The trip tenement, the gear gaff.
288
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:16,759
The bam bothy, yes.
289
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:20,439
I'm finding it difficult to find
a tone between supporting it
290
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,599
and also pointing out
we think it's pish.
291
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,159
OK, Muldoon.
I think what this calls for
292
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:29,399
is the old tried-and-tested
pro/con thumb slalom.
293
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,879
Thumb slalom, sir?
294
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:34,239
Willing to support
the initiative - thumb up.
295
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,239
Legitimate concerns - thumb down.
296
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,639
Needs supporting data -
thumb in the middle.
297
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,799
Don't just come out and say
we support the initiative.
298
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,559
Contextualise it.
299
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:47,119
Do the fudge.
300
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,479
Fudge it. Aye, right, sir.
301
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,880
Take my word for it.
I've been thumbing for years.
302
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,479
Ah! Mad Daisy.
303
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,200
Shouldn't it be Crazy Daisy?
304
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:08,239
Hey, Chief. Just not quite sure
how to pronounce this word here.
305
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,799
Er... "Scood gay go ae"?
306
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,719
Oh, no.
That's quite straightforward.
307
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:16,519
It's bam for,
"What school did you go to?"
308
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,119
Scoo jae go ae?
309
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,959
Rising at the end.Scoo jae go ae.
310
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,000
Scoo jae go ae.
311
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,239
Just a little quicker.
Scoo jae go ae.Scoo jae go ae.
312
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,399
Scoo jae go ae. Scoo jae go ae.
313
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,879
OK, let's break it down.
314
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,559
Scoo.Scoo. Jae.Jae.
315
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,159
Go.Go. Ae.Ae.
316
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,919
Put it together. Scoo jae go ae.
Scoo jae go ae.
317
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,439
No, scoo jae go ae!
That's what I'm saying!
318
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,319
I'm saying, "Scoo jae go ae."
319
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,999
Listen, I am fluent in bam.
Well, so am I.
320
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,839
We had a bamologue coach
on Irvine Welsh's Crime.
321
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:47,639
With respect, we're dealing
with real policing here,
322
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,999
not some fictional flimflam.
323
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,879
I learnt it at source on
the mean streets of Pilton,
324
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:58,239
not doing a Duolingo course
in my suite at The Balmoral.
325
00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,519
Right.
326
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,279
One more time.
327
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,919
Scoo jae go ae?
328
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,400
Scoo jae go ae?
329
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,080
That's the one.
330
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,959
Quit while we're ahead.
The boy's seen better days.
331
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,679
He's a couple of years
from panto, this one.
332
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,799
Er... I can hear you.
333
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,839
Talkback's open.
334
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,679
Sorry, Dougray!
335
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,999
I mean one of the mega pantos,
the Hydro.
336
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,880
You wouldn't be kicking
about Kirkcaldy.
337
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,359
"I make no apologies
for the way I am.
338
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,559
"I'm sorry. That's just how it is."
339
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,199
"At the charity event,
340
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,159
"Bob Maclntyre admired my drive
and remarked,
341
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,359
"You could have turned pro, Chief."
342
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,839
"This was 1980s policing.
343
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,719
"Did we sometimes use force? Yes.
344
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,919
"Did we sometimes bend the rules?
345
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,159
"Yes.
346
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,159
"But did we get results?
347
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,359
"Sometimes."
348
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,679
OK, Dougray, with one eye
on the clock here,
349
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,439
we need to pick up
the pace a little.
350
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,639
But be sure to give this section
351
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,199
the sensuality it deserves.
352
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:08,440
In your own time.
353
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,879
"As Barbara looked at me, I knew
she had one thing on her mind -
354
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,679
"copulation.
355
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,599
"And I was a lucky cop."
356
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,919
Dougray, I just wanted to check
that you were comfortable
357
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,679
with this level of, um, erotica.
358
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:29,279
I'm trained in sensitive scenarios
at the workplace.
359
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:32,079
I'm happy to act as
an intimacy coordinator.
360
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,279
He's fine!
361
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,919
Dougray got the little fella out
in A Thousand Kisses Deep.
362
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:37,799
This is base camp for Dougray.
363
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:38,879
So you did.
364
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:39,959
Um...It's fine.
365
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,880
I've got everything I need.
I'm happy to push on.
366
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,719
"My resistance was futile.
367
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,159
"I gave myself utterly to Barbara.
368
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,159
"If my body was Edinburgh Castle,
369
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,079
"I surrendered it to this
one-woman invading force.
370
00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:00,359
"She mounted my battlements,
traversed my turrets,
371
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,919
"ravished my ramparts,
went up my mound,
372
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,079
"and then she stoked my
One O'Clock Gun.
373
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,479
"My cannon was cocked,
374
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:10,239
"primed to explode, bursting to boom,
375
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,879
"detonating hot balls of bliss.
376
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,439
"Barbara, my femme fatale."
377
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:16,839
PHONE RINGS
378
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:17,959
Barbara.
379
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,680
Yes, he's here.
380
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,679
Why is it Barbara?
381
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:23,999
Because I sent her the manuscript
382
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,599
to make sure she was comfortable
with everything.
383
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,359
Well, obviously, I was going to...
384
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,559
Why did you have to do...? Ah!
385
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:31,799
Barbara!
386
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,359
Hello.
387
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,399
I've just finished reading
your manuscript,
388
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,479
and I'm really not sure
about some of it.
389
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,719
Really? Why?
390
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,559
It's very personal, intimate.
391
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,639
You describe our sex life.
392
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,239
Yeah, but in glowing terms.
393
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,039
You come out of it very well,
very professional.
394
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,959
And the physical descriptions?
395
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:55,479
My "nipples like two ripe,
empurpled cherries"?
396
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,879
Look, listen to Dougray saying it.
397
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,280
Dougray, would you mind?
398
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:05,359
"Her nipples like two ripe,
empurpled cherries."
399
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:06,599
You happy now?
400
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,839
Well, now that I hear it,
401
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,359
yes, it's fine.
402
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:11,999
It's just that I was hearing it
403
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,719
in your annoying, plummy,
pompous voice...
404
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,519
Basso profundo.
405
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:20,279
..whereas Dougray's mellifluous
tones make it sound romantic.
406
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,600
Let me speak to him.
407
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,479
Nice to meet you, Dougray.
Oh, so you're Barbara.
408
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,839
Well, it's nice finally
to put a face to the, um...
409
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,240
The cherries? Aye.
410
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:31,639
DOUGRAY AND BARBARA LAUGH
411
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,159
So how are you finding it,
412
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,719
inhabiting the People's Chief?
413
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,959
Well, I did play Moses, so...
414
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,879
He only had ten commandments,
though.
415
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,319
DOUGRAY AND BARBARA LAUGH
416
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,919
Look, we're running a bit
behind schedule here.
417
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:48,280
Dougray's got a flight to catch
to get back to his wife.
418
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,799
Carry on, Dougray. In your own time.
419
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,599
"Barbara, my femme fatale.
420
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,759
"My Glaswegian goddess.
421
00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,999
"Her passion was such
that we didn't even attempt
422
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,519
"to tidy away the hotel binder
of promotional leaflets
423
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,719
"for various Borders attractions
that littered the bed.
424
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,039
"I well remember later that evening,
425
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,959
"peeling a two-for-one voucher
for the St Boswells Donkey Sanctuary
426
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,919
"from Barbara's
sweat-drenched buttock.
427
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:19,359
"Barbara vocalised her pleasure
by joyously uttering..."
428
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,239
I'm sorry, Chief. Could you, um...
429
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:22,999
Could you get out of my eyeline?
430
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,679
Yeah. Is it maybe just
a little bit too erotic
431
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,599
with the principal in view?
432
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,479
Aye. Maybe you could step outside.
433
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,199
Happy to do so.
434
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,719
You wouldn't be the first man
435
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,880
to feel diminished
in my presence, Dougray.
436
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,999
"Barbara vocalised her pleasure
437
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,039
"by joyously uttering the chorus
from Blur's Song 2.
438
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,599
"Woohoo!"
439
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,080
DOOR BUZZES
440
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:56,399
"In Barbara, I knew I had found
my forever girl
441
00:18:56,400 --> 00:19:00,239
"until we got divorced in 2017."
442
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,879
A very sensitive read, Dougray,
443
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,759
especially the more
startling metaphors.
444
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:07,040
We aim to please.
445
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,119
Hi. Before the Chief gets back,
446
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,759
could we get that video
for my sister just quickly?
447
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:15,919
Two secs.OK. Hi.
448
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:17,519
What's her name again?
449
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:18,799
Daisy.
450
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,159
And action.
451
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,759
Hi, Daisy. Dougray here.
452
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:26,359
Just wanted to wish you all the best
with your old nuptials.
453
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,159
And if it doesn't work out,
you know where to find me.
454
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,999
And cut. Perfect.
She is going to love that.
455
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:36,239
And, Mr Scott,
a selfie with your director?
456
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,759
ALARM BLARES
457
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,439
OK, OK. If everybody could just
quietly and calmly
458
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,279
make their way
to the muster station.
459
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,840
- DOOR BUZZES
- Sorry!
460
00:19:43,843 --> 00:19:46,079
Sorry, everyone. Apologies.
461
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:47,679
Apologies. My bad.
462
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,199
False alarm. False alarm.
463
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,559
My bad - I set it off by accident.
464
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,199
I thought it was the
soap dispenser, so...
465
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,520
Apologies!
466
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,960
Probably just have to ride it out,
you know?
467
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,440
No point recording anything
while this racket's...
468
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,840
ALARM STOPS
469
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,759
I think we're good.
470
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,599
I think we're good, Dougray. OK.
471
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,999
Home stretch. Chapter 19 -
472
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,320
The Tayside Stakeout.
473
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,799
"Midnight in Monifieth.
474
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,119
"The boy Forsyth turned
to me and said,
475
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,439
"I couldn't eat another pie
if you paid me.""
476
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,039
Sorry, Dougray. Stop you there.
477
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,119
The boy's from Dundee.
478
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,559
I think it should be "pay".
479
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,319
"I couldn't eat another pay".
480
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,079
It's written "pie". It's said "pay".
481
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,199
I say "pie".
We pay you to say "pay".
482
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,879
Well, you're not pieing me
enough to say "pay".
483
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,480
And the pie-off is
you're talking shit.
484
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,959
"The boy Forsyth turned to me
and said,
485
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,840
- "I couldn't eat another pie."
- PHONE RINGS
486
00:20:51,843 --> 00:20:53,359
Sorry. Sorry, Dougray. Hold it.
487
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:54,879
Yeah. Probably...
488
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,319
Yeah, Justice Minister.
Sorry, it'll be two minutes.
489
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,159
Don't let him say "pie". No pieing.
490
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,559
I'm reading it on the website now.
491
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,559
"The Scottish Police Force
fully supports
492
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,119
"the government's
Safe Drug Consumption Facilities,
493
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:10,319
"providing a safe space where people
can safely consume drugs
494
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,879
"in the presence of trained
health professionals.
495
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,479
"But any burn-out
junkie fuds and jakeys
496
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,559
"are reminded that
anywhere else in Scotland
497
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:22,119
"is business as usual
and then some."
498
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,879
Sir, that's me away.
499
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,399
I trust an amendment
will be forthcoming.
500
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,599
Yes. Apologies, Minister.
501
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,239
A little bit of a glitch at our end.
502
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,479
Autocorrect's going
a little bit haywire,
503
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,879
but we'll sort it out.
Don't you worry, Minister.
504
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,599
Fuds and jakeys?
505
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,519
Thumb up, thumb down.
I'm just thumbing it.
506
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,159
Well, you're thumbing too hard!
507
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,599
Pull out, pull back!
508
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,599
More middle thumb? Yeah, less...
509
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:45,960
Now, sort it.
510
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,599
So just take one photo
with a thistle,
511
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,319
symbolising the Earth's
precious resources.
512
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,959
Have you ever heard of a pressure
group called the Carbonistas?
513
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,119
I do care passionately
about the planet.
514
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:04,479
It's just that all my charity work
is done through my LA agents.
515
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:05,999
DOOR BUZZES
516
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,880
Right, Dougray
We'll pick it up from...
517
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:10,519
Oh, um...
518
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,999
Dougray, this is my daughter, Ellen.
519
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,239
Ellen, a word, please.
520
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,959
Why are you here?
521
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,839
Dougray has been in some
big budget films
522
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,439
with massive carbon footprints.
523
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,079
If he came out as anti-air travel,
that would be...
524
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,199
What's he going to do?
525
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,439
Tweet about it on the CalMac
ferry crossing
526
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,439
from Ardrossan to Sunset Boulevard?!
527
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,599
Forget Dougray,
target some proper A-listers.
528
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:32,679
Oh!
529
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:36,239
Do you want to show me YOUR
Bafta, Chief, or your Emmy?
530
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,879
Beat Cop Of The Year,
'91 to '93.
531
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,200
National or regional?
532
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:45,000
Midlothian.
533
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,079
Right. I'll see you later.
Come on, we've got a lot to do.
534
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,119
Do you not want to stay
for your mention?
535
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,559
My mention?Aye.
Well, when you were a baby,
536
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:54,999
you threw up on
the Chief's dress uniform,
537
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,399
so he had to go and meet
Nelson Mandela in his shirt sleeves.
538
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,439
Styled it out.
Nelson went shirt, no jacket, too.
539
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,399
It was a minor triumph.
Front page of the Sunday Herald.
540
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,599
That's it? That's my mention?
541
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,319
One puke?
542
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:12,719
Um... "Miekelson, Ellen.
Threw up on father's jacket.
543
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,119
"Page 47."
544
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:17,359
No, no, there's whole sections
you haven't seen yet. Oh?
545
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,679
All about you. In fact, we're about
we're about to record them now.
546
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:22,200
Aren't we, Dougray?
547
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,519
You've got children, right?
548
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,479
Aye, three. Twins and the wee fella.
549
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,319
And do you improvise?
550
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,479
Oh, it's in my skill set
if the situation's urgent.
551
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,199
The situation is urgent.
552
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,399
Could you...?
553
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,639
Jesus, Chief,
554
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,879
do you want me to
write your book now as well?
555
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,280
I'd be really grateful.
556
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,359
I can't guarantee you
a writer's credit, though.
557
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:48,719
Sorry.
558
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:52,279
And so the baby that I loved
559
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,959
from the moment I set eyes on her
560
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,999
grew up to be an inspirational
young woman -
561
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,879
a firebrand, a passionate activist
562
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:05,519
who cares about our precious planet.
563
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:09,119
I could not be prouder
of my daughter.
564
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:13,239
I have known many triumphs
as a man and as...
565
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,440
..a chief, but the, um...
566
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,999
The greatest achievement of my life
567
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:25,240
is simply being a father to Ellen.
568
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:27,919
I'm gone.
569
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:31,399
I think that's the chapter
I'm most proud of having written.
570
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,039
It's almost
like someone else wrote it.
571
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,839
Well, I like to vary styles.
572
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:37,080
Thanks, Dad.
573
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:41,720
And thanks, Dougray,
for that reading. Beautiful.
574
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,599
And a nice preamble to the big
Mandela meeting
575
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,359
and my shirtsleeves triumph.
576
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,519
Right. Come on, everyone.
Chop, chop.
577
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,279
I kept in touch,
and every year on his birthday
578
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:56,599
I sent Nelson Mandela
a tin of Moffat toffee.
579
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,319
OK, that's chapter 22 done.
Chapter 23, go!
580
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:00,719
DOOR BUZZES
581
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,439
Oh, that'll be my gear
for the hen night.
582
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,079
Thank you. OK.
583
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,599
Dougray, go.
584
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,359
Throughout my life
I have broken bread
585
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:09,879
with royalty and ragamuffins alike.
DOOR BUZZES
586
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,319
That's the statement sorted
and approved, sir.
587
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:14,599
Two thumbs up for the thumb slalom.
588
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,319
Ah, good to know, but we're
up against it here, Muldoon.
589
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,839
Honestly, it's turning into
Mission: Impossible.
590
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,079
That's where I know you from!
591
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:25,879
I thought you were Obi-Wan Kenobi,
but that's that other radge.
592
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,679
I pure loved Mission: Impossible,
by the way.
593
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,799
But can I ask,
who was your armourer?
594
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:34,199
Because see your stance?
It should be like so. No?
595
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,199
Thanks for the feedback.
I'll be sure to tell Tom.
596
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:41,239
Tom?Cruise. Oh. Wee Baws.
Ah, that's right.
597
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,119
Everybody in Hollywood
calls him Wee Baws.
598
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,879
Ah, well,
if you'd done your stance right,
599
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,839
you might actually have shot
Wee Baws at the end of MI2.
600
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,239
Muldoon, thank you very much,
601
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,799
but tempus fugit. If you could.
602
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,599
The royal story - action!
603
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,879
Murrayfield was rocking.
604
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,479
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
605
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,279
This royal anecdote
could be problematic.
606
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:03,079
Oh, problematic how?!
607
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,839
We might have to redact
her identity.
608
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,479
She is a fairly well-known royal.
609
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,480
- Um...
- DOOR BUZZES, LAUGHTER
610
00:26:09,483 --> 00:26:12,759
Paul, we really need to go.
Hiya, everybody.
611
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,879
Chief, I'm sorry. Daisy's hen do.
I need to head off. Yeah.
612
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,079
Right. Dougray, just, um...
613
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,479
Ah, just redact her name, OK?
614
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,159
Royal story - action!
615
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,279
Murrayfield was rocking.
616
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,839
Scotland had secured
a glorious victory,
617
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:31,159
and leading the sing-song high
in the stands was Redacted Anne.
618
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,119
Actually, no. Hearing it, Dougray,
it's not right.
619
00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:36,039
Let's go with the Princess Redacted.
620
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:37,559
No!
621
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,359
No, that is it, I am done!
622
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:40,879
What do you mean, "done"?
623
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:42,719
You're not done!
624
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,799
I have worked with
difficult directors,
625
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:46,599
autocrats, tyrants, dictators.
626
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,919
I've been naked on a muddy swamp
at minus two degrees.
627
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:50,799
I've trained for six months
to be a boxer,
628
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,799
wrestled crocodiles,
I've kissed Bobby Carlyle,
629
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,399
I've done my own stunts for 26 hours
straight with Wee Baws Cruise -
630
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:58,120
but nothing and nobody has ever
given me this level of shit!
631
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,600
- DOOR BUZZES
- Dougray...
632
00:27:02,603 --> 00:27:05,039
Dougray, we've still got
45 minutes left.
633
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,239
Three chapters to go.
634
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,559
We can fit it all in if you speak
really fast.
635
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:09,759
We can slow it down in the edit.
Look...
636
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,559
It's about all the
crimes in the future
637
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:12,599
that now will not be committed.
638
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:13,999
That's my legacy.
That's Miekelsonism.
639
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:15,199
How about this? I go to the airport,
640
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:16,959
have a nice chilled elderflower
presse in the lounge
641
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,080
and then get on my flight to LA?
I'm walking.
642
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:23,159
You do that and I am straight on
the phone
643
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:24,799
to Fergus at the publishers.
644
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,279
Fergus, my old school friend
Fergus? Fergus, my best man?
645
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:29,479
Fergus, the guy that I agreed to do
this big favour for?
646
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:30,959
That Fergus?
What are you talking about?
647
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,119
Do you really think I'd agree to
have my name associated with this...
648
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:35,519
..doggerel? Huh?!
649
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,639
Are you...? Are you going through
town, Mr Scott?
650
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,399
Could you drop us
at the Voodoo Lounge?
651
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,079
There's two chances of that, Paul.
652
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,879
None, and fuck all!
653
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,240
Drive!
654
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:53,200
For another 500 quid we could have
got big Gerry Butler!
655
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,879
My friend knows the wee
tubby guy on breakfast radio.
656
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,079
Ah...
657
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,719
I need someone with my sense
of intelligence,
658
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,240
command, gravitas.
659
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,279
Cometh the hour...
660
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,439
..cometh the Miek.
661
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:21,159
I was born in the Royal Hospital
for the Incurably Handsome in 1972.
662
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,919
As I entered the world,
every bam in the land
663
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,639
felt an involuntary
shudder of fear
664
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:29,440
course through their body.
665
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:34,319
♪ It's all about you
It's about you
666
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:38,199
♪ It's all about you, baby
It's all about
667
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,639
♪ It's all about you
It's about you
668
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:45,119
♪ It's all about you
669
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:51,519
♪ Yesterday you asked
me something I thought you knew
670
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:54,879
♪ So I told you with a smile
671
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,960
♪ "It's all about you." ♪
50004
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