Original subtitles

Goodnight.

Ah, cutbacks, belt tightening.

We just don't have the budget.

You're working too hard, Chief.

Mm. Do you know where I've got to?

Can we make a saving with smaller dogs

or thinner horses?

HE SIGHS

I have a duty of care for all employees of the SPF.

Do you have a social life away from the force?

Remember, if you don't de-stress, you might find yourself in distress.

I've seen the poster.

We must cherish personal relationships.

A romantic life.

It's an important human need.

Well, this important human needs to find a 2.6% annual reduction

in overspend. Divorced men die younger.

Well, that escalated quickly.

One minute I'm back on the dating scene,

the next, you're organising my funeral!

Well, I'd encourage you to consider what I've said.

I'm married to my work, and justice is my mistress.

Maybe we lose one entirely.

Dogs or horses?

The vegan lobby say both.

The vegan lobby? We're sitting on the horses, we're not eating them!

They don't want to charge through a football riot.

They'd rather be in the meadow.

We'd all rather be in the meadow, Lindsay.

Oidhche mhath, Chief.

Mm-hm.

Ah! So you've met Squid. Miek.

Squid?

Squid.

Is Squid your boyfriend?

I don't do labels.

We have sex occasionally.

Good sex, actually. He's a contortionist.

Ellen, please! Boundaries.

What?!

Dad, parents and children should be able to talk openly about sex.

I hope when I was conceived, it was great sex.

Was it?

It was in Galashiels.

That's all I'm willing to divulge.

Dad, are you ever going to start dating again?

Get yourself a Squid!

I hardly think the top table at the National Bravery Awards

are all going to shuffle up to make room for a juggler.

No, I'm married to my work, and justice is my mistress.

Anyway, I like living alone.

Yeah, I won't be here forever.

Oh, no, I didn't mean that, Ellen.

No, I love having you here, I really do,

and if you want to...to bring home an...an associate,

then that's fine.

That's me done my warm up, Ellie Jelly. Are you coming?

You all right with this, Dad?

Squid can get a wee bit performative.

I... Yes, I'm fine.

Fire in. I'm... I'm totally relaxed about this.

I'm... I'm glad we had this little chat.

I, I...

Nice to meet you, Squid.

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

HE SIGHS

So what happened with the outreach poster?

Well, in an overabundance of eagerness to reach out

with our outreach campaign, we omitted to, er...

Spell check? Oh, right enough! No W in sword.

Good news is the public noticed the typo.

They're engaging with the message. How much to redo them?

Oh, don't worry. We can shift some funds around.

We'll take something from the canine division.

What, smaller dogs?

Well, leaner.

Onto more important matters.

The inter-forces rugby sevens.

Are you playing this year, Katriona?

I'm captain.

Oh, right. Well, we're going to pump you!

Yeah! Yes, especially if you've got the Chief on your side,

because he's got hands like cows' tits.

Unfortunately, no, I won't be playing.

Years of dominating the line-out,

it's played havoc with my hamstrings.

They're like cheese wires now.

No, no.

Cameron "Skydancer" Miekelson will be managing from the touchline.

Oh, well, you can pick up Katriona, then, when she folds

like a deckchair!

Not gonnae happen.

Not against your bin juice.

Oh, we'll see, we'll see! Tan you later.

Una.

Right.

So what anchor is responsible for this?

Er, process malfunction.

Well, OK, but if it's a recall, I don't like the photograph.

They're too cheery. Come on, we're the police force!

They could be policing a bouncy castle.

Yeah, it's all a bit CBeebies.

Paul, pull up that file of stock images.

We want serious.

We mean business.

This is what happens when things aren't run by me.

From now on, I want to sign off on everything.

Yeah. That one.

There you go. That's more like it.

Now, they wouldn't think twice

about throwing Tinky Winky into the back of the van!

Paul? If, and it's a pretty big if,

I was to hop on to one of the popular dating apps,

which one would you recommend?

Erm, well, it depends what you're looking for.

Hook-ups? NSA? No strings attached?

Swingers? Kink if you want.

Chemsex? BDSM? Furries?

Furries? Or something more regular.

Tinder, Bumble, Soul Mates, Destiny Dreamers...

There's so many!

It's like... It's like a massive Amazon warehouse of women.

Can you put some of them in the basket while you think about it?

And, Paul, what I'm really looking for, is there one,

you know, designed specifically for people like me, you know?

Old? Important.

Grizzled? Distinguished.

Look, sir, why don't we just jump straight in

and create you a profile, and off you go?

Well, if you think... If you think I'm ready.

Yeah. Take a photo.

OK, let's do it.

Right!

Let's do this.

I'm not too famous for this, Paul, am I?

We'll probably get papped, poor woman.

It'll be like being Meghan Markle!

Are you putting in my likes and dislikes?

Er, so I've put walking, eating, thinking,

nothing to turn anyone off. Hmm. Don't forget GSOH.

Oh, no, everyone puts good sense of humour.

In this case, the G stands for "great".

Oh!

You are now...live.

Welcome to the dating world, Chief.

Exciting.

Keep this on the wheesht, though, Paul.

Oh!

Have a word with yourself, love!

Sir? Hmm?

Oh, Katriona. Yeah... Er...

Budgets. Big decisions to be made.

And how can I...? How can I help you?

The fixtures for the touch rugby tourney. Oh!

We need to hit our straps. Justice first game.

OK, well, you know the score.

Let Una run in a couple for her Insta story

and then feed it to mad Mike,

sorry - lucidly compromised Mike -

and let the mullering begin!

That cup's coming home.

Excellent.

Katriona, sorry, could I hit you with something slightly from left field?

Erm...

..do you date?

You're not my type, sir.

Oh, good lord! No, I'm not suggesting that you and I...

No, no, no, that would be inappropriate.

You can't date a subordinate.

Which, unfortunately, rules out an office romance for me

because, well, everybody's my subordinate.

Unless I dated Una, of course,

or the First Minister.

But then... But then I'm THEIR subordinate,

so it's a catch-22.

Action tends to find me, sir.

Very much like police work.

I scan the situation, consider the options,

and before you know it, the target's going down.

Well, good for you.

Ram that team with ringers, Katriona.

Make Duhan van der Merwe an honorary constable if you have to.

That trophy is ours. Nice!

HE SIGHS

I'm not happy, Paul.

Oh, no swipes?

Did warn you.

Oh, I've got swipes, Paul. Swipes aplenty.

No, the issue is with those who are doing the swiping.

Oh, the swipers.

I'm not one to judge, Paul,

but honestly, some of these swipers,

they are punching well above.

Look!

A curler from Ardrossan!

The third best quilter in Fife?!

This one jokes that she's still got most of her own teeth.

Yeah. You can see a pattern here, Paul.

Yeah, there's... There's a lot of colour rinses.

Where's the attractive art gallery owner?

The widowed dance instructor?

It's all a bit daytime telly advert for funeral expenses.

Hmm. All a bit "free pen just for enquiring."

Oh, it's the profile pic you took, Paul.

It's too mundane.

I need to look younger, more vibrant, more the chief!

Come on!

Capture the full Miekelson.

Right, come on! Let's get intae these bastards.

Take no prisoners.

Especially from the prison service.

Yeah! Come on!

I know it's touch rugby, but see when we play the Fire Service?

You can leave an elbow in.

Might just wake them up, eh? Yeah!

But listen, ca' canny when we play the Justice Department.

Aye. That mob are up first.

Now, they've underfunded us for years,

taking credit when things have gone well,

dissed us when they've gone badly.

Well, today - today's payback time!

CHEERING Come on!

Police! Police! Police! Let's go!

On you go, Dan!

Come on, Sasha.

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

Let her score a couple first! Then it's Miller time.

Then fill your boots. But...let her just score a couple.

Ah! There we go.

Oh, Rohan! Rohan, have you heard?

Oh, Katriona!

Oh, she flattened Una!

I thought it was touch rugby.

Ah, so did we all.

But no, not Katriona.

The red mist descended.

Una was making a break,

Katriona gets a touch on her, but she follows through.

Absolutely empties her!

I thought she'd slow down when they hit the burger van,

but no, no, not our Katriona!

Well, at least the Ambulance Service were on site.

No, they'd been knocked out. Gone back to the hospital.

Took them three hours to get back to us.

We'll wait till Una's out of the hospital

before we run the photos with you and the cup on the socials.

Oh! Here she is!

The assassin.

I'm sorry, sir.

I don't know what came over me.

Ah! When the history of this game comes to be written,

one name will be legend.

One name will make mere mortals quake.

Katriona Muldoon, the Butcher of Garcrummoch.

Three broken ribs, dislocated collarbone.

It's an interesting career move, hospitalising your boss.

Call me a traditionalist, but it's a wee bit radical.

I'm going to go and visit her, apologise again in person.

Yeah. I wouldn't take any grapes. Probably can't chew.

Soup and a straw, Muldoon.

Soup and a straw.

On the old apps there...

..Miek?

Dipping my toe in...Squid.

I bet you're hoping to dip in more than your...toe.

Not really appropriate, Squid.

Hey, your dad's on the apps, Ellen.

Oh! Back in the game, Dad?

Any takers?

A considerable amount, actually, yes,

but they're from a different strata.

You know, nothing against them, but I can't take someone

to meet the King at the Braemar Highland Games,

only for them to get their Zimmer stuck in the mud.

Why don't you try this? Jetset Dating Agency.

That's what Mum did.

"A site for successful high achievers with a substantial net worth."

Hang on, is this where she met Malky?

Ha! No!

She met him in the queue at Lidl.

Ah.

How is Malky?

Oh, he's a freaky wee radge.

You know, last time I was at Mum's... What?

..I found him drying his underwear in the air fryer.

Cheaper than the tumble dryer, apparently.

Who does that? A freaky wee radge does that!

Yes. Yes. This is more like it.

Yeah, forget the retired dance instructor.

Go for the creative director of the National Ballet.

Exactly!

Entitled. Privileged. Right up your street, Dad.

I could give you an intro to a trapeze artist I used to know.

Retired now.

She looks a little like the big lady from Game Of...

..Thrones.

OK. Spelling good,

cops mean,

no skeletons in the closet.

Convictions, perversions, dodgy posts, iffy likes...

Watertight. Happy?

You signing off? Signing off. Print them!

Ah, Katriona! How kind. For me?

I'm heading up to the hospital to see Una. Oh.

I thought you'd already visited her.

I have, but I just feel so responsible.

She's lying up there all on her own, having to work.

She could use the company.

OK, well, send her my best. Will do, sir.

Do you think I should visit Una, Paul?

Katriona's got that covered.

You don't want to schlep up there every day.

Well, I wasn't thinking of going ev... Is Katriona going every day?!

Every other day.

Hmm.

Oh, I've got that information you asked for...

Excellent! ..on the Jetset Dating Agency.

The next chance to mingle with fellow professionals

from the elite is tomorrow evening.

Private room, Glenogles Townhouse.

Oh! Filter out the hoi polloi, Paul.

The public school of dating.

Sign me up, but keep it between us.

I don't want to lose my man of the people image.

You can count on me, sir.

Do you know, Paul? I think I will visit Una.

Can't have Katriona sucking up to the Justice Minister without me.

No, those two as pals would be a disaster.

Get her on the line.

Una Struan. Leave a message.

I'll just pop in.

Surprise her.

"Una Struan. Leave a message."

She doesn't hang about.

She's a busy woman. Makes a statement.

"My time is precious."

Aye, it's a status thing, is it?

Maybe I should shorten mine.

What is it again?

LINE RINGS

Well, good morning, afternoon, or evening!

You are through to the voicemail of Cameron Miekelson,

Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Police Force.

If you'd be so kind as to leave a message,

I will endeavour to get back to you pronto,

not only forthwith, but with alacrity.

But I warn you, I'm a busy man!

No, that's fine.

Ellen, I'm not sure about this shirt. Have you seen my white one?

Squid accidentally washed it with his pantaloons.

Oh!

And does he have to oil his unicycle in the kitchen?

Squid! Can I have a word?

Squid, I think we've been on a wonderful journey together,

and I think we've both grown as people.

But I do feel that a travelling minstrel must travel.

So I think...

No worries, Miek. Your house, your rules.

I'll grab my stuff.

Oh! I'm sorry, Ellen

Yes, yes, yes!

Thank you, Dad! I thought you liked him!

I do, but I don't want to live with him!

Well, why didn't you tell him to leave?

I don't like confrontation.

Your whole life is confrontation!

I don't like emotional confrontation.

Got that from you.

Got to bounce, girl.

Think I'll head to Findhorn, work on my creative identity.

THEY INHALE AND EXHALE DEEPLY

Later. Love you.

Squid. Miek.

Safe travels.

I will never understand modern relationships.

They come, they go.

So what do you think?

Any advice? Do's and don'ts?

Consent is key.

You can never be too careful. Check everything.

May I shake your hand? May I quip?

Better safe than sorry. Yeah. May I have another foie gras canape?

May I go to the toilet?

Not the last one.

No. Too primary school. Too primary school, yes.

May I go dating?

You may!

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Ah! Una!

Oh, there he is.

So you're getting to see up close and personal

the damage your government's done to our health care.

Oh! Top bants, Cammy.

Oh, I think you made my ribs snap again.

Seriously... Oh, what's this? For you.

Thank you very much, Cameron.

Let me see...

Oh! And you've even managed to spell your name right.

Unlike your poster.

I didn't know that Aldi did get well cards.

Thank you. They do. They do.

Ah. So, Una, I just...

I just wanted to see you in person

to apologise for my deputy's unfortunate loss of control.

If you want her gone, just, you know,

tip me the wink and I'll pull the trigger.

Oh, Katriona! We were just talking about you there.

So you're back? Yeah, I was, erm, just getting tea.

Oh! Katriona, you're a life-saver.

I got them to leave the teabag in. Thank you so much. Thank you.

I'm a bag out man myself.

Unless it's fruit tea, interestingly.

Or an iced tea,

although I'm not entirely sure if there's even a bag involved

in iced tea. Is there a bag involved in iced tea, Katriona?

I wouldn't know, sir. I've never had one of them.

Oh! If you ever get the opportunity,

there's a lovely little pintxo place

in the Barrio Gotico in Barcelona.

They make a wonderful iced tea! You should try it some time.

Have you ever been to Barcelona?

No, sir. No.

I went to Blackpool last Easter.

No way. I went to Blackpool last Easter!

Really? Yeah, The Metropole.

I've been going there since I was a kid.

What's the name of the wee restaurant round the corner?

Oh. Turtle Bay.

That's the one! Yeah.

Wet Nelly. Oh, come on!

Wet Nelly. I think I saw her supporting Jemmy Tarbuck once.

No, sir. It's a pudding.

Bread and butter.

Oh, Wet Nelly. Yes, of course.

I always feel that bread and butter pudding benefits

from using a combination of brioche and panettone.

Like Mrs Bannerman used to do in the bun room.

Did you have a bun room at school, Katriona?

No, sir.

We had a gun room.

Oh!

A gun room!

A gun room at school!

HE CHUCKLES

Very... That's funny.

Well, I should really be making tracks. Yes.

It's, er... Get well soon, Una.

Katriona. Sir.

Cameron, you're looking very smart. Are you off somewhere?

Yes. Off to a function where successful professionals

can meet other high achievers.

Oh, on the sniff, eh?

Well, may the handsome prince find his princess.

Ha-ha! Well, goodnight, then.

LAUGHTER

Here we go.

Cameron!

There you go, Cameron. Thank you.

LOW CHATTER AND PIANO MUSIC

Consent?

Consent.

So, er, what do you do for a living?

Lothian and Borders area manager for a conservatory suppliers.

Well, it's been nice chatting,

but there's a lot of people to get through.

I don't wish to be rude, and I'm not going to ask for my money back,

but you see, Angela, she's an area manager.

Conservatories! I...

I thought this was an event for jet setters,

high achievers.

Area manager?

You want to up your game.

Thanks for your feedback.

It's my pleasure.

Bethany.

Yes, I've just had an Angela.

There's a Catherine and a Davina.

I could do you all alphabetically! Well, not "do you"!

But, you know... Cameron.

I'll just have to do an Andrew and a Brian,

and I'll be ready for you.

GSOH!

Great sense of humour.

So what do you do?

I'm the COO of an oil company.

Ah, that's more like it.

Bingo!

It could prove difficult with my daughter,

but, you know, let's... Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Last night, I saw a really fun Mamma Mia at the Playhouse.

Wonderful show. The energy!

Everyone was dancing in the aisles by the end of it.

It's a bit random, but would you find it odd

if your deputy and your boss were getting close?

I've never really thought about it.

Do you have a favourite ABBA song?

Hmm? Oh, The Day Before You Came. I prefer the melancholic.

I adore Super Trouper.

But your deputy and your boss, it's definitely odd, don't you think?

Maybe this conversation isn't for now.

Well... Cameron?!

No...

Barbara!

What are you doing here?

Oh!

This is Bethany.

Bethany, this is Barbara, my wife.

Hello.

This is not that kind of event.

Oh, no! No, no, I'm not...

Sorry. I'm not suggesting that we all...

No, she's my ex-wife.

Nice chatting.

I can't believe it.

I mean, what are the chances?

So how are you?

You're looking good, if I have your consent to say that.

Ellen got into your head, has she?

Oh, and then some.

That's our daughter.

Well, you're looking good too, Cameron.

Well, thanks for lying.

I'm overworked. I'm stressed. That's why I'm here.

Just to get myself a little bit of "me" time.

Bet you weren't expecting it to turn into a bit of "us" time!

I was not expecting that, no.

But, er, no, it's... It's good to see you.

Nice to see you too, Cameron.

So, does, er...

Does Malky know you're here?

It's over with Malcolm.

Ah.

Well...I'm not going to lie, I'm glad to see the back of him.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, you can't be that upset.

I mean, you're down here quick enough, you know,

looking for a new one.

Although if it's another Malky you're after, you won't find him here.

Get yourself down to Poundland!

It was Lidl.

It was Lidl. Of course. Yeah.

I often wondered, did you meet him there, or buy him?

It's amazing what you can get in that middle aisle.

Was he two for one with a foot spa?

"Was he two for one with a foot spa?"

Like you were such a catch.

Oh, come on.

Malky is a BIG step down from me.

I could have anyone in this whole room like that.

Excuse me, everyone?

Can I just ask you a quick question?

Is anyone in the room taken with Cameron here?

Anyone at all?

Ooh, you're fighting them off, Cameron.

Oh, come on.

You can't all be resistant to his charms.

There must be at least one of you out there.

Ahh! There's a poor soul there for you, Cameron.

Quick word of warning - he's fun for about a week.

But take a good look at this face,

because from then on in, it's work, work, work.

He worked on our wedding night.

On our honeymoon.

Even on my romantic weekend away in Galashiels, he...

We don't need to get into all of that!

Yes, I work hard to pay for that big house that you still live in.

I contributed my fair share.

Listen up, gentlemen!

If this one takes you back for coffee this evening,

just bear in mind that that is MY Nespresso machine!

And if any of you are thinking of going back to his for a coffee

tonight, then I'd have ten,

because you're going to need them to stay awake. Ah!

A word to the wise, everyone.

Do not get involved in a relationship of any kind

with any achiever, OK?

Because it's going to end up like this, because they all do.

So get out!

Get out now, while the going's good.

Save yourselves!

Run!

Run for the hills!

Yeah, we get a lot of guys like that.

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, Ellie Jelly!

Oh!

Oh, God! Yes!

NOISY LOVEMAKING

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

HE SNORES

So that's the outreach posters gone to print.

Erm...You were happy. You signed off.

I heard you say you were happy.

What's the problem?

We can't use the slogan.

What, "your shield and sword"?

Why? Copyright?

Yeah. Yeah, kind of.

It's been used before.

By?

The Stasi.

The East German secret police?!

The murderous wing of a despotic communist regime?!

I thought we could maybe spin it.

You know, the Stasi were good at what they did. Strong values.

How much of a hit to pulp them?

90 grand.

And do we save more than 90 grand if we pull the whole campaign?

But we've still spent the 90.

Yes, but by not spending more than the 90, we make a saving.

Do it! Pull it!

Ah, Katriona!

No flowers? Not off to see Una this evening?

No, she's getting discharged today.

I'll be working late.

I'm married to my work, and Una is my mistress.

Justice. Justice is my mistress.

Chief, the number you gave me is calling you back on your desk phone.

Hello. Yes, I'd be very interested in purchasing a conservatory

for my property.

I wonder, could I deal directly

with the Lothian and Borders area manager?

That's her.

Angela!

Uh-huh

Uh-huh