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1
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:06,360
Thank you, Laura.
2
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:10,280
Sorry, Cameron. Let me see
if I can get this straight.
3
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:15,960
The police are no longer
investigating certain crimes?
4
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,320
Oh! No, no, no.
5
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:21,080
We're no longer investigating crimes
if they're no longer crimes.
6
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:25,520
This TRHV policy,
it's a reclassification of crime.
7
00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,440
TRHV? Yes.
8
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,600
And we're no longer investigating
if there's no threat,
9
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,040
risk, harm or...
10
00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:35,320
Oh, I always forget V.
What's V again?
11
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,080
Victim? No, it's not victim.
12
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:39,120
You'd think it would be victim,
but no, it's not.
13
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,360
Is...is it vengeance?
14
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,440
Oh, vulnerability! Ah, yes!
15
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:45,560
If there's no threat,
risk, harm or vulnerability,
16
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:49,760
then we reclassify those crimes
as, well,
17
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,480
happenings,
18
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:53,440
events.
19
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,760
I'm no longer the victim of a crime.
20
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,480
I'm the victim of an event.
21
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,120
Take last month's
housebreaking numbers.
22
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,040
There were 1,286 such events.
23
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:07,880
But this TRHV policy meant
that we could take
24
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:11,720
a balanced, resource-minded
judgment on
25
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:13,720
how many to actually respond to.
26
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:14,880
Which was?
27
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,240
None.
28
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:20,080
Allowing us to focus
our resources on...
29
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,840
Ah! Laser targeting serious crime.
30
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,920
And - hang on to your
Bryson DeChambeau flat cap -
31
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:30,240
by reclassifying crimes as events,
32
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,600
well, they fall off
the crime statistics.
33
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,840
Well, Cameron, this is
pretty impressive stuff.
34
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,040
Arrests up, crime down.
35
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:43,040
I think we can get behind this.
36
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,560
Oh, we can, can we?
37
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:48,400
We think I like that.
38
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,200
When is a crime not a crime, Rohan?
39
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,120
When it's not a crime.
40
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,520
I think I may be on the verge
of something big here,
41
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,680
not just practically,
philosophically.
42
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,520
Plato the polis.
OK, so government onside,
43
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:06,720
now for the press.
44
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:08,360
Oh, no time, Paul.
45
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,440
All right. Well, do you want me
to eat it for you?
46
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,080
Er, maybe half.
47
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,280
Er, Gavin Gilchrist,
editor of the Sunday Saltire.
48
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,000
Oh, big Gav!
49
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,240
Ah, we go way back.
Leave the talking to me.
50
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,840
Just keep hitting
laser targeting serious crime.
51
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:24,120
Don't you worry,
52
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:25,760
by the time I'm through
with that word monkey,
53
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,600
he'll think TRHV is his policy.
54
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:32,720
Ah, Gavin! How's my favourite
purveyor of lies and misinformation?
55
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:36,000
All the better for seeing my
favourite authoritarian enforcer.
56
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,120
Yeah!
57
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:38,360
Go on, have a seat.
58
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,120
I haven't seen you since we scalped
the Jambos at the derby.
59
00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,600
Oh, no! It's not been that long,
has it?
60
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,000
Katriona's been getting me
up to speed
61
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,720
on your new
"turn a blind eye" policy.
62
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,040
I didn't call it that, sir.
63
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,280
Well, as my deputy well knows,
64
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:56,000
this new policy allows us
to focus our resources
65
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:59,040
on laser targeting serious crimes.
66
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,520
Sorry. Is that a hobbit?
67
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,400
It is. Stolen from
Mr Gilchrist's property.
68
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,600
Nicked last night.
69
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:09,400
They cleaned out my garden,
took the lawnmower,
70
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,880
the rattan chair, and...
71
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,040
..Pippin.
72
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,920
Well, that's a perfect example
of our new policy.
73
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,360
There's no threat, risk,
harm or vulnerability.
74
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,880
We record it.
You tick a box for insurance.
75
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,360
B&Q sells you a new Pippin.
Everyone's happy.
76
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,680
Allowing us to laser target
77
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,440
that wee bam selling
crystal meth outside of Poundland.
78
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,040
You can't buy Pippin!
79
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,680
My son made him.
80
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,840
Pippin has great sentimental value.
81
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,920
Well, of course. Yes, sir.
82
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,600
Any father would be...
83
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,400
..proud of such a...
84
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,160
It's a wonderful rendering of...
85
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,680
I think what Mr Gilchrist
is getting at
86
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,160
is that there are
no victimless crimes.
87
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,880
Surely it's the police's job
to investigate all crimes?
88
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,680
Yes, but...but some crimes should
be more investigated than others,
89
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,400
is the point of the policy.
90
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,560
Well, we could always get a couple
of the boys to look...
91
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:04,360
Or we could remain
laser targeted on serious crime!
92
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,440
Actually, could the Chief and I have
a private word?
93
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,800
Cool.
94
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,520
Yeah.
95
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,400
And in summary, the Scottish
Police Force would be delighted
96
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,000
if the Sunday Saltire could give
the TRHV policy a fair hearing.
97
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,080
That's a bit of a change
of atmosphere, Gavin.
98
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:26,680
You and I go way back, Cameron.
99
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,880
The Morningside Mandem.
100
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,560
As an old friend,
101
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,080
I've got to give you
the heads-up about something.
102
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,560
TRHV? It's bollocks!
103
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:42,160
It's just a way
to massage the crime figures
104
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,640
and keep that doughnut
at Justice happy.
105
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,360
What...?
106
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:49,960
What is that?
107
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,840
Sunday's front page.
108
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,520
Oh, come on, Gavin, you're not...
109
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,200
You're not going to publish this?!
110
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,040
It's news. It's a story.
111
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,920
Yes, but a better story
112
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,800
is that...we're laser targeting
serious crime.
113
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,120
HE CHUCKLES
114
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,800
It's nothing personal, Cammy.
115
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,720
I'm just doing my job.
116
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,720
Gavin! Gavin!
117
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,160
You're not seriously
going to print this, are you?
118
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:25,400
So you didn't say it?
119
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,160
Well, I may have said it, but
I said a lot of other stuff too.
120
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,160
Have you got recordings
of all of that?
121
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,760
It's in the public interest.
122
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,720
Yeah, but it's not in my interest,
and I'm a member of the public too!
123
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,120
Listen, Gav...
124
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:39,000
Let's take it in a completely
different direction.
125
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,040
The man behind the myth.
126
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,880
Cover of the magazine.
127
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,000
Yours truly, relaxing at home.
128
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,560
We're not Hello! magazine.
129
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,600
Which is exactly why we go dark.
130
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,240
The messy divorce
of the people's chief.
131
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,800
Scotland's favourite cop
had his heart broken
132
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,560
by his giddy, wayward wife.
133
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:56,920
Tabloid.
134
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,760
Miekelson struggles
with his activist daughter.
135
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,800
Part Thunberg, part Malala.
136
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,520
The law-man and the law-lass.
137
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,880
Malala-lass.
It's a working headline.
138
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,080
You can... You can get a better one.
Cameron.
139
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:10,960
It's nothing personal.
140
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,160
Yeah, but it kind of feels personal,
Gavin.
141
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:17,040
Come on.
I was on your stag weekend.
142
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,840
If it wasn't for me,
143
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:22,240
you'd still be handcuffed to
that lamppost in Dundas Street.
144
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,280
Get Rohan to ping me
an official statement.
145
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:26,800
OK, listen...
146
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:29,480
Cut the BS.
147
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,760
What do you want
to kill the story?
148
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,440
Kill the story?
149
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,520
The Chief of Police, this is
his new, much trumpeted policy,
150
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,480
and calls the Justice Minister
a doughnut!
151
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,360
It's too much of a scoop.
152
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,040
As I said,
153
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,760
it's nothing personal.
154
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,440
Just doing my job.
155
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,640
OK, listen. What about a tour
of the stolen goods warehouse?
156
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:57,040
Pick yourself out a new set
of golf clubs, eh?
157
00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:01,320
We've just got a nice...a nice set
of Callaways in!
158
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,520
TRHV? It's bollocks!
159
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,960
It's just a way
to massage the crime figures
160
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,520
and keep that doughnut
at Justice happy.
161
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,840
Not ideal. Is it definitely me?
162
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,640
It could be voice cloning again.
163
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,720
Like the cyber boys did of me
that time for the Christmas message.
164
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,840
Can we deal with Gavin?
165
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,000
Deal with?
166
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,560
Yes. Can he be dealt with?
167
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,720
Oh, sorry. I thought you meant
"deal with".
168
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,440
No! No, not "deal with".
169
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,960
Deal with! Bargain. Negotiate.
170
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,720
Quid pro quo his arse.
171
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,320
I've already tried that.
172
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,440
I offered him the the double page
spread, the dirt on the ex,
173
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,640
the supermarket sweep around
the stolen goods warehouse.
174
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:40,800
No, he's not budging.
175
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,000
OK, OK.
176
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,320
In that case, the strategy
is flat out denial.
177
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,960
Go full Trump. You think you heard
something, but you heard nowt!
178
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,840
Fake news. Gaslight the nation.
179
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,840
Or... Or, say no laws were broken
180
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,800
and you were working
within the guidelines.
181
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,200
Go full Boris!
182
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,600
This is a disaster.
183
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,240
This is career ending.
184
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,880
It's maybe not so bad.
185
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,080
I'm dissing my own policy
and calling my boss a doughnut!
186
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,960
Sounds bad to me, Rohan!
187
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,760
But who recorded it?
188
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,800
Who leaked it?
I don't have enemies!
189
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,160
No! No, you don't, Chief.
190
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,880
There's a rat in the building,
Rohan.
191
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,600
A snake. A sneak. A snitch.
192
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,640
Wait till I get my hands on her,
193
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,040
or him, or them!
194
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,600
Until then, this stays between us.
195
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:35,880
Oh, yeah.
196
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,360
KNOCKING ON DOOR
197
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,920
You wanted to see me, sir?
198
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,600
Oh, Muldoon, yes.
199
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,360
Come on in. Please take a seat.
200
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,680
No! No, no, no, not there.
201
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,400
No. Have this one here.
202
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,520
Let me make it comfortable for you.
203
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,200
But that's your chair, sir.
204
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,440
Are you absolutely sure
about that, Muldoon?
205
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,640
Because this...
this is the Chief's chair, huh?
206
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,760
Reserved for the top dog
207
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,720
making all the policy decisions.
208
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,560
And that appears to be you!
209
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,920
Now, do you want my hat as well?
210
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,600
A crime is a crime is a crime, sir.
211
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,680
Yes, and they can't
all be investigated.
212
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,280
Resources, Katriona!
213
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,320
I mean, right now, there's probably
someone two streets away
214
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,840
illegally streaming The Avengers.
215
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,920
What's that you say?
It's a crime?
216
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,880
Are we firing up the chopper?
217
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,360
Are we sending a team round?
218
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,120
No, sir, because that would be...
219
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,920
A waste of police resources!
220
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,200
Yes.
221
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,200
You've got there, PC Penny McDrop.
222
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:55,040
Don't undermine my policy
in front of the press.
223
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,000
In here, blue backs blue.
224
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,320
Sir, you know I'm always
blue backs blue.
225
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:06,440
So, may I retain my chair?
226
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,880
Your hat, sir.
227
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:12,480
Thank you.
228
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,840
That will be all, Muldoon.
229
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,280
Sir.
230
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,840
Evening.
231
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,880
You know, that's an imported beer.
232
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,840
Er, yes.
233
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,560
Imported from overseas.
234
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:35,360
Ships, lorries.
235
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:39,000
The fossil fuels consumed
to get you your beer, it's insane.
236
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,840
Well, until little Heinrich
walks them over here himself,
237
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,680
I don't have much choice.
238
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,200
Drink Scottish beer.
239
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,200
Drink Scottish beer?
240
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,840
I'm not a savage!
241
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,840
I drink beer
for the...the piney aroma,
242
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,320
the zesty zip
and pungent aftertaste,
243
00:10:56,320 --> 00:11:00,000
not so that I can have a pagger on
the Lothian Road of a Friday night!
244
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,800
Do you know where these bananas
are from?
245
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,480
Lidl. Guyana.
246
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,880
Well, they don't grow them
in Dumfries, so what can I do?
247
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,320
Do better. Make different choices.
248
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,800
Buy locally.
249
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,400
If I was to cook dinner
for you tonight with all
250
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,240
the sustainable food in the fridge,
251
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:18,920
do you know what we'd be having?
252
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,280
An Ayrshire potato.
253
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:23,920
Ellen, please.
254
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,480
I'm in the thick rough here.
255
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,040
I'm struggling to make par.
256
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,080
No. Oh, Ellen. Why is it..?
257
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,320
Oh, no.
258
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,120
Ellen, please don't tell me you've
cancelled the sports channels.
259
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,200
Saudi Arabian sportswashing.
260
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,680
Nice one, Dad.
261
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,640
How did you know my password?
262
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,160
"P underscore assword".
263
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,600
You've had that for years.
264
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,320
Why can't I resubscribe?
265
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:50,960
Well, I've changed the password.
266
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,440
What have you changed it to?
267
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,600
Oh!
268
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,280
Is it "defund the police" again?
269
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,640
You weren't saying that
when you were 14
270
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,840
and police funding
paid for your skiing lessons!
271
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,680
I have the fullest confidence
in Chief Commissioner...
272
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:11,120
Oh, no! She's publicly supporting
my policy.
273
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,160
No, no, no, don't!
274
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,920
The policy is going to be trashed
on Sunday!
275
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:19,240
No! Yeah, get with the programme,
Una!
276
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,120
TRHV. It's bollocks!
277
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,000
Why did you say that?
278
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,200
Well, that's what you said the other
night when you were banging on
279
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,400
about the change
in the very nature of reality.
280
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:37,000
"Well, if I call my beer a health
drink, is it no longer a beer?"
281
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,120
The Rousseau of the Rozzers.
282
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,400
Did you record me
and leak it to the press?
283
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:46,640
Did I what?!
284
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,880
You just don't care, do you?
285
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:51,440
It's just chaos for chaos's sake.
286
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,600
Whoa! What have you been smoking?
287
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:57,440
The van and the activism and
throwing my life into disarray!
288
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:01,840
Wait, do you actually think
I leaked something to the papers?
289
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,560
That is low, even for you.
290
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,480
I wouldn't grass up my own dad.
291
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:08,960
Well...
292
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,520
I mean, obviously, I didn't
really think it was you.
293
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,240
I...
294
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,080
I just... Look, I have to rule
everybody out, is all.
295
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,920
I started with you first
because you're the last person
296
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,080
I'd suspect of doing it.
297
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,680
And that's...
that's classic police work.
298
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,120
I'm going to the van.
299
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,360
Oh, Ellen!
300
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,600
Do you want to take your potato?
301
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,960
Take your potato!
302
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,480
It's from Girvan!
303
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:38,880
DOOR SLAMS
304
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,800
I accused Ellen of being a leaker.
305
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,640
My own daughter.
Can you believe it?
306
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,880
What's become of me?
But I can't trust anyone!
307
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,720
Big man... I couldn't sleep
last night.
308
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,640
I think it could be Katriona.
309
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,720
I mean, who stands to benefit
most if I'm canned?
310
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,400
She does. Chief!
311
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,840
It's like I'm in The Traitors!
312
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,560
You know, who's a Faithful?
Who's a Traitor?
313
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,760
But if The Traitors taught us
one thing,
314
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:13,840
it's always to suspect
the seemingly most faithful.
315
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,200
It's you.
316
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,400
What?
317
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,040
I sent the recording
to cyber security. They traced it.
318
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,720
It's from your phone.
319
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,000
I'm the leaker?
320
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,600
Probably a butt dial.
321
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,600
I butt-dialled my own leak?!
322
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,920
I'm the snake!
The sneak, the snitch.
323
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,840
Well. So now we don't have
to look for the rat.
324
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,240
We found the rat.
325
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,680
I'm the rat!
326
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,560
I mean, it sounds bad,
but it's good.
327
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,640
Oh!
328
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,360
Well, that's one problem solved.
329
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,640
Next, the story. We know
it's coming. You'll get a kicking.
330
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,160
Fair play. That's their job.
331
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,240
So, we will need
to rehabilitate your image.
332
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:52,800
How is your cha-cha-cha?
333
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,120
Solid. Why?
334
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:55,880
So I could try
and get you on Strictly.
335
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,960
Er, no.
Maybe Strictly is too high profile.
336
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,520
The pottery one. Can you sew?
Sorry...
337
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,560
This is your plan to save my skin?
338
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,040
You're going to get me on what,
Homes Under The Hammer?!
339
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,000
Perfect! That's more your speed.
340
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,600
You don't have to be enjoying
this quite so much, Rohan.
341
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,000
Sir, this is a full blown crisis.
342
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,480
I'm a pig in the proverbial -
343
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,880
this or another campaign
against bogus gas fitters?
344
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,640
Crisis management every time.
345
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,600
What am I going to do?
346
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,800
In a crisis,
control the things you can.
347
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,400
Deal with Una!
348
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,440
You're going to have to sugar
that doughnut.
349
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,080
There you go. Thank you.
350
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:37,520
Oh! I, um, caught your performance
on TV the other night, sir.
351
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,600
Very statesman-like.
352
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,320
Stateswoman-like. Uh-huh.
353
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:42,760
Statesperson-like.
354
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,600
States..them...like.
355
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,520
No need for the kiss-ass, Cameron.
356
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,080
We're all in this TRHV boat
together.
357
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:52,120
Indeed we are. Which is why I just
wanted to get ahead of a story
358
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,520
that could possibly, maybe,
probably more than likely will be
359
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,200
breaking at the weekend.
360
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,480
Intriguing.
361
00:15:58,480 --> 00:15:59,680
Yes.
362
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,800
Sunday Saltire, unfortunately,
363
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,280
have a recording of
what they're claiming is me
364
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,920
saying something which
which might be construed,
365
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:11,560
if taken the wrong way,
as being potentially
366
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,440
mildly critical...
367
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,840
..of the TRHV policy.
368
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:20,240
The policy that the government
and I personally
369
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,880
have fully thrown our weight behind?
370
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:24,240
That's the one.
371
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,480
And was it you?
372
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:29,120
Well, my team feel that, on balance,
373
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:33,160
yes, there is a high percentage
possibility that, yes, it's me.
374
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,520
Right. I see.
375
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,720
Well, we've been here before,
right? We know the drill.
376
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,240
Private conversation
illegally leaked,
377
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,640
most likely by someone
who has a personal grudge.
378
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,680
And it will just all blow over,
and then we can get back to...
379
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,360
Laser targeting serious crime!
380
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:54,600
Well, thank you for being
so forthright with me, Cameron,
381
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:55,880
I appreciate that.
382
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,520
Not at all.
383
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,560
Oh, one other thing.
384
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,280
The voice on the recording
which is trending towards
385
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:13,480
probably being me, also says
something mildly derogatory.
386
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:17,160
One word - basically
one silly little word -
387
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,240
about yourself.
388
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,840
About me? Yes.
389
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,360
And the word is?
390
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:25,680
You want to know the word?
391
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:28,760
Well, you've kind of
piqued my interest, Chief.
392
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:31,840
Doughnut.
393
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,160
Doughnut?
394
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,800
Yes. Said in jest, and very much
taken out of context.
395
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,960
You called me a doughnut?
396
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,800
Well, the voice on the recording,
which is trending towards
397
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,640
probably being me,
called you a doughnut.
398
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,600
But I just wanted to reassure you
that my media team
399
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,000
are all over it,
400
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,560
and they are working ceaselessly,
tirelessly,
401
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,720
to have the story squashed.
402
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,720
Or is it quashed?
403
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,400
I just...
404
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:05,760
I knew you'd appreciate me being
so forthright...with you.
405
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:14,120
So, this one has extra security,
406
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:17,320
minimising potential
for any accidental posterior mishap.
407
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:20,160
Wow. Finally, a phone that works,
408
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,840
fit for my purpose.
409
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,280
Three biometrics.
410
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,960
Facial, fingerprint and odour.
411
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,840
Odour? It can smell me?!
412
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,160
That's incredible.
413
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,120
Do I have to actually put it
under the...
414
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,400
No. No, no. Any skin contact. Oh.
415
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:36,440
Oh, look! It's got one of
those funny apps
416
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,800
that show you what you're going
to look like when you're old.
417
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,160
That's the camera, sir.
418
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,680
PHONE BLEEPS
419
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,320
Oh. Just say "answer".
420
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,000
Oh. Answer!
421
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,400
Answer.
422
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,040
Odgovori.
423
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,600
Odgovori?
424
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,920
Last used undercover, Serbian gang.
425
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,480
I'll get it changed.
Nice try, Cam.
426
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,520
Think you can win me over by
investigating the theft of Pippin?
427
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,720
Pippin?
428
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,040
What are you talking about?
429
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,560
A couple of your boys
came round, took a statement.
430
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,560
"We're launching an investigation.
431
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,800
"We'll leave no stone unturned."
432
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,480
Well, it's not going to work.
433
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,920
The story runs.
434
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,760
And it's definitely a hobbit?
Good work.
435
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,160
And, eh, a chocolate milkshake
and curly fries, thanks.
436
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,520
Deliveroo.
437
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,800
Deliveroo is an app, Katriona.
438
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,720
Insubordination!
439
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:31,200
I'm just after telling you, don't
investigate events or happenings!
440
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,600
So don't send a unit into Mordor
to climb Mount Doom
441
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,160
looking for that wee clay clown.
442
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,560
But listen, sir.
443
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,760
Operation Gollum has yielded
results. Operation Gollum?!
444
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,240
You've given it a name?
445
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,560
Aye. The boys wanted to call
it Smeagol, but I thought...
446
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,840
I don't care what the boys
wanted to call it!
447
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,240
Shut it down.
448
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,240
But we've found Pippin.
449
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,120
How much have you spent?
What price justice?
450
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,800
That's what I'm asking!
451
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,600
Less than we spend on social media
for the police dogs.
452
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:03,440
The whole point of the TRHV policy
is to save money.
453
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,480
But the ex-wife took it.
454
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,880
She's a thief. Let me investigate.
455
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,720
Who knows? It could help
with the whole Gavin thing.
456
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,520
How do you know about
the Gavin thing?
457
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,640
The whole force knows
about the Gavin thing.
458
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,560
The fact there's a leak's leaked?!
459
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:19,920
The leak's leaking now!
460
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,040
Operation Gollum could reunite
Gavin with Pippin.
461
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,000
He's not going to care, Katriona.
462
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,040
The boy's dreaming
of a Pulitzer Prize.
463
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:33,720
A career-defining scoop that brings
down the people's chief
464
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,440
and his flagship policy
465
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,120
that redefines
the very nature of crime.
466
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:41,360
He's not going to throw
all that away for a garden gnome.
467
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,240
But we're the police.
468
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,560
If we police...
469
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:48,200
There's more to police work
than policing.
470
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:50,960
Shut it down.
471
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:53,840
OK, sir.
472
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,960
Operation Gollum is no more.
473
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,680
Thank you, Katriona.
474
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,840
Try and remember
that you are my subordinate,
475
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,680
not my insubordinate.
476
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,400
You get serious about serious crime,
477
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,480
and I'll keep us
out of the newspapers.
478
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:13,880
Ellen!
479
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,480
Ellen?
480
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:19,160
Funny thing is, it turns out
that I was the leaker.
481
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,960
We'll have a good laugh about this
in the future,
482
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,560
when we remember that time it
turned out that I was the leaker.
483
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,040
What did you say on it,
the recording?
484
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,760
I was mildly critical
of police policy,
485
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,080
and I may have called
the Justice Minister a doughnut.
486
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,320
Whoo! And I'm the rebel?!
487
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:41,720
Welcome to the revolution, Dad.
488
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,680
It could be catastrophically bad,
Ellen.
489
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:49,720
And your first thought, your very
first thought, was that I did it.
490
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,480
Your own daughter?
491
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,120
My first thought, actually, was
that it might have been Katriona.
492
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,120
Another woman. Interesting.
493
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:57,760
You'll blame Mum next.
494
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,160
No, I would never blame Mum.
495
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,080
No, she's far too slick
and conniving to ever get caught.
496
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,680
No, it was definitely me.
497
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,640
Oh!
498
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:10,160
Look, El... Ellen, you can come
back up to the flat now if you want.
499
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:14,200
And by way of apology,
how about a reclassification
500
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,040
of our living arrangements?
501
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:17,680
A quid pro quo.
502
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,160
You come back up to the flat
and I'll...
503
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,640
I'll live on flat beer and weeds.
504
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:23,760
Ellen?
505
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,280
Sorry, what policy?
506
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:29,240
Oh, yes. The Chief Commissioner's
TRHV policy.
507
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:33,400
Yes, we're aware that the Scottish
Police Force are trying...
508
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,040
She's distancing herself.
509
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,000
We're being distanced.
510
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,360
It's a distancing.
511
00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:40,280
HE SIGHS
512
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:42,000
Oh, she's now the we.
513
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,520
I'm just a he.
514
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,120
We need Una close.
515
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:48,600
Maybe it's time the government
put pressure on the Fourth Estate.
516
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,080
Call Una Struan.
517
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,400
Una Struan.
Leave a message.
518
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,400
Ah, Una.
519
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:01,320
I can't help but feel I'm a little
bit distanced down here.
520
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,160
Yes, I know, it's just like
the Covid days.
521
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,040
Although I do feel
that you're keeping me
522
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,440
a little bit more
than two metres away.
523
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:11,960
Ah, come on, Una, we're all
in this together.
524
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,600
Could you...
525
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,040
Could you appeal to Gavin, please?
526
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,480
For me?
527
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,960
For the Scottish Police Force?
528
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,880
For us?
529
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,280
For the new Scotland!
530
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:29,640
Like I say, Gavin, it was merely
the Chief having a robust discussion
531
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:33,160
to test the solidity
of the new policy.
532
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:34,960
Stress testing.
533
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,880
Yes, a policy that is
being somewhat lost
534
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,360
among the general
background chatter.
535
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:45,600
And is calling you a doughnut part
of the background chatter?
536
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,120
Yes, absolutely.
537
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,640
I mean, we have many affable
nicknames for each other,
538
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,400
don't we, Chief? We've lots!
We've loads, don't we?
539
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,760
I call him...
540
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,120
..Cam the Bam,
541
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,520
Officer Dribble, er, The Lump...
542
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,800
What other names do I call you,
Chief?
543
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:05,440
Oh, she, er...
544
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,320
Gosh, there's so many.
545
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,600
Yes. The one about you carrying
a few extra pounds?
546
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,920
Oh, yes. What's that one?
547
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:14,280
It's a funny one.
548
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,000
She calls me Fat...Bo...
549
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,240
Bobby! Fat Bobby, she calls me.
550
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,600
Fat Blobby the Bobby.
551
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:26,200
You see, Gavin, the relationship
between the parliament,
552
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,640
the police and the press, do you
really want to risk all that
553
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,680
for something that isn't even
a thing?
554
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:34,960
Yeah.
555
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:39,040
If it wasn't a thing, do you think
I'd be sat here with you two?
556
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,480
We're going to run with it.
557
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,360
Well, thanks for the meeting.
558
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,920
I'll send a copy to Bute House.
559
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,560
Well, it was worth a shot.
560
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,360
What are we going to do now?
561
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:52,880
"We"?
562
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:58,480
Oh!
563
00:24:58,480 --> 00:24:59,800
You're back?
564
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,080
That's nice.
565
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,840
At least someone isn't distancing.
566
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,920
Good day propping up
the crypto-fascist state
567
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,880
and eroding our civil liberties?
568
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:09,520
I've had better.
569
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,680
Listen, I've been thinking.
570
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,160
If I do get canned,
maybe you and I could travel.
571
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,680
Peru?
572
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,040
Peru! I've always wanted
to see Peru.
573
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:19,480
You won't get canned, Dad.
574
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,560
You're the great survivor.
575
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,640
Smells good.
576
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:27,280
Looks...veggie.
577
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,920
Made with carbon neutral
ingredients,
578
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:31,280
all locally sourced.
579
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:34,040
However, I'm going to quid pro quo.
580
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:37,920
Here's an imported beer for you.
581
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,760
TRHV.
582
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:44,120
It's not an equal crime if I can
reclassify it as an equal event.
583
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:47,040
And the...sports channels?
584
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,960
There's only so much I can
reclassify. Ah, fair enough.
585
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,680
But I've changed the password back,
so fill your boots.
586
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:55,680
P underscore assword?
587
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,440
P underscore assword.
588
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:58,720
Oh, well...
589
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,440
Oh.
590
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,480
Bryson DeChambeau,
591
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:06,440
how I have yearned for you!
592
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:10,400
OK, here's your Hail Mary
statement.
593
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,240
Apologise. Misquoted.
Apologise again.
594
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,400
Out of context. Apologise.
595
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,000
A wee tear wouldn't go amiss.
596
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,560
Go full Sturgeon.
597
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:22,320
Sir, two things.
598
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,800
One, I'm afraid
I've been insubordinate again.
599
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:28,200
But two, you need to come
and see this, right now.
600
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,520
So, I couldn't help myself.
601
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,360
I thought no harm getting a couple
of boys to have a word with the ex.
602
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:38,760
When they get to the street,
603
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,040
they see this guy with
a huge pair of bolt cutters
604
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,560
sitting about the railings.
605
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,200
And would you believe?
606
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,320
Ah!
607
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:49,840
Gavin!
608
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,280
Gavin, Gavin.
609
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,960
Mr Gilchrist here was found damaging
his ex-wife's property.
610
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,560
She stole Pippin.
611
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:02,080
Trespass, breach,
antisocial behaviour, theft.
612
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,560
Aren't these exactly
the sort of crimes that
613
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,160
we used to prosecute to
the fullest extent of the law?
614
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:09,680
And still could.
Some think should.
615
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:14,600
But they are now reclassified
under the TRHV policy,
616
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,560
a policy that is, I believe,
617
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:18,840
fully backed by the Sunday Saltire.
618
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:27,000
Nothing personal, Gavin.
619
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:28,600
Just doing my job.
620
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:36,480
Ah, a "robust policy"!
621
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,040
Well said, Gavin.
622
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:41,960
Call Una Struan.
623
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,600
Una Struan.
Leave a message.
624
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,560
Ah, Una!
625
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:49,240
Damnedest thing.
626
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:53,000
Turns out that the voice on
the recording wasn't me after all.
627
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:54,560
No, it was voice cloning.
628
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:58,000
Ah, it's incredible what
these cyber criminals can do
629
00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,680
with technology these days.
630
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,120
Serious crimes.
631
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:07,000
Which, fortunately, is what
we are laser targeted on.
632
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:11,800
This is the real Cameron Miekelson
signing off.
633
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,640
This just came in
from the Justice Office.
634
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:16,840
Oh, very nice.
635
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:18,560
Oh! Customised.
636
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:21,320
Tuck in, Paul.
637
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:24,480
World Shut Your Mouth
by Julian Cope
638
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:31,440
World, shut your mouth
639
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:37,040
and shut your mouth
46206
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