Original subtitles

Thank you, Laura.

Sorry, Cameron. Let me see if I can get this straight.

The police are no longer investigating certain crimes?

Oh! No, no, no.

We're no longer investigating crimes if they're no longer crimes.

This TRHV policy, it's a reclassification of crime.

TRHV? Yes.

And we're no longer investigating if there's no threat,

risk, harm or...

Oh, I always forget V. What's V again?

Victim? No, it's not victim.

You'd think it would be victim, but no, it's not.

Is...is it vengeance?

Oh, vulnerability! Ah, yes!

If there's no threat, risk, harm or vulnerability,

then we reclassify those crimes as, well,

happenings,

events.

I'm no longer the victim of a crime.

I'm the victim of an event.

Take last month's housebreaking numbers.

There were 1,286 such events.

But this TRHV policy meant that we could take

a balanced, resource-minded judgment on

how many to actually respond to.

Which was?

None.

Allowing us to focus our resources on...

Ah! Laser targeting serious crime.

And - hang on to your Bryson DeChambeau flat cap -

by reclassifying crimes as events,

well, they fall off the crime statistics.

Well, Cameron, this is pretty impressive stuff.

Arrests up, crime down.

I think we can get behind this.

Oh, we can, can we?

We think I like that.

When is a crime not a crime, Rohan?

When it's not a crime.

I think I may be on the verge of something big here,

not just practically, philosophically.

Plato the polis. OK, so government onside,

now for the press.

Oh, no time, Paul.

All right. Well, do you want me to eat it for you?

Er, maybe half.

Er, Gavin Gilchrist, editor of the Sunday Saltire.

Oh, big Gav!

Ah, we go way back. Leave the talking to me.

Just keep hitting laser targeting serious crime.

Don't you worry,

by the time I'm through with that word monkey,

he'll think TRHV is his policy.

Ah, Gavin! How's my favourite purveyor of lies and misinformation?

All the better for seeing my favourite authoritarian enforcer.

Yeah!

Go on, have a seat.

I haven't seen you since we scalped the Jambos at the derby.

Oh, no! It's not been that long, has it?

Katriona's been getting me up to speed

on your new "turn a blind eye" policy.

I didn't call it that, sir.

Well, as my deputy well knows,

this new policy allows us to focus our resources

on laser targeting serious crimes.

Sorry. Is that a hobbit?

It is. Stolen from Mr Gilchrist's property.

Nicked last night.

They cleaned out my garden, took the lawnmower,

the rattan chair, and...

..Pippin.

Well, that's a perfect example of our new policy.

There's no threat, risk, harm or vulnerability.

We record it. You tick a box for insurance.

B&Q sells you a new Pippin. Everyone's happy.

Allowing us to laser target

that wee bam selling crystal meth outside of Poundland.

You can't buy Pippin!

My son made him.

Pippin has great sentimental value.

Well, of course. Yes, sir.

Any father would be...

..proud of such a...

It's a wonderful rendering of...

I think what Mr Gilchrist is getting at

is that there are no victimless crimes.

Surely it's the police's job to investigate all crimes?

Yes, but...but some crimes should be more investigated than others,

is the point of the policy.

Well, we could always get a couple of the boys to look...

Or we could remain laser targeted on serious crime!

Actually, could the Chief and I have a private word?

Cool.

Yeah.

And in summary, the Scottish Police Force would be delighted

if the Sunday Saltire could give the TRHV policy a fair hearing.

That's a bit of a change of atmosphere, Gavin.

You and I go way back, Cameron.

The Morningside Mandem.

As an old friend,

I've got to give you the heads-up about something.

TRHV? It's bollocks!

It's just a way to massage the crime figures

and keep that doughnut at Justice happy.

What...?

What is that?

Sunday's front page.

Oh, come on, Gavin, you're not...

You're not going to publish this?!

It's news. It's a story.

Yes, but a better story

is that...we're laser targeting serious crime.

HE CHUCKLES

It's nothing personal, Cammy.

I'm just doing my job.

Gavin! Gavin!

You're not seriously going to print this, are you?

So you didn't say it?

Well, I may have said it, but I said a lot of other stuff too.

Have you got recordings of all of that?

It's in the public interest.

Yeah, but it's not in my interest, and I'm a member of the public too!

Listen, Gav...

Let's take it in a completely different direction.

The man behind the myth.

Cover of the magazine.

Yours truly, relaxing at home.

We're not Hello! magazine.

Which is exactly why we go dark.

The messy divorce of the people's chief.

Scotland's favourite cop had his heart broken

by his giddy, wayward wife.

Tabloid.

Miekelson struggles with his activist daughter.

Part Thunberg, part Malala.

The law-man and the law-lass.

Malala-lass. It's a working headline.

You can... You can get a better one. Cameron.

It's nothing personal.

Yeah, but it kind of feels personal, Gavin.

Come on. I was on your stag weekend.

If it wasn't for me,

you'd still be handcuffed to that lamppost in Dundas Street.

Get Rohan to ping me an official statement.

OK, listen...

Cut the BS.

What do you want to kill the story?

Kill the story?

The Chief of Police, this is his new, much trumpeted policy,

and calls the Justice Minister a doughnut!

It's too much of a scoop.

As I said,

it's nothing personal.

Just doing my job.

OK, listen. What about a tour of the stolen goods warehouse?

Pick yourself out a new set of golf clubs, eh?

We've just got a nice...a nice set of Callaways in!

TRHV? It's bollocks!

It's just a way to massage the crime figures

and keep that doughnut at Justice happy.

Not ideal. Is it definitely me?

It could be voice cloning again.

Like the cyber boys did of me that time for the Christmas message.

Can we deal with Gavin?

Deal with?

Yes. Can he be dealt with?

Oh, sorry. I thought you meant "deal with".

No! No, not "deal with".

Deal with! Bargain. Negotiate.

Quid pro quo his arse.

I've already tried that.

I offered him the the double page spread, the dirt on the ex,

the supermarket sweep around the stolen goods warehouse.

No, he's not budging.

OK, OK.

In that case, the strategy is flat out denial.

Go full Trump. You think you heard something, but you heard nowt!

Fake news. Gaslight the nation.

Or... Or, say no laws were broken

and you were working within the guidelines.

Go full Boris!

This is a disaster.

This is career ending.

It's maybe not so bad.

I'm dissing my own policy and calling my boss a doughnut!

Sounds bad to me, Rohan!

But who recorded it?

Who leaked it? I don't have enemies!

No! No, you don't, Chief.

There's a rat in the building, Rohan.

A snake. A sneak. A snitch.

Wait till I get my hands on her,

or him, or them!

Until then, this stays between us.

Oh, yeah.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

You wanted to see me, sir?

Oh, Muldoon, yes.

Come on in. Please take a seat.

No! No, no, no, not there.

No. Have this one here.

Let me make it comfortable for you.

But that's your chair, sir.

Are you absolutely sure about that, Muldoon?

Because this... this is the Chief's chair, huh?

Reserved for the top dog

making all the policy decisions.

And that appears to be you!

Now, do you want my hat as well?

A crime is a crime is a crime, sir.

Yes, and they can't all be investigated.

Resources, Katriona!

I mean, right now, there's probably someone two streets away

illegally streaming The Avengers.

What's that you say? It's a crime?

Are we firing up the chopper?

Are we sending a team round?

No, sir, because that would be...

A waste of police resources!

Yes.

You've got there, PC Penny McDrop.

Don't undermine my policy in front of the press.

In here, blue backs blue.

Sir, you know I'm always blue backs blue.

So, may I retain my chair?

Your hat, sir.

Thank you.

That will be all, Muldoon.

Sir.

Evening.

You know, that's an imported beer.

Er, yes.

Imported from overseas.

Ships, lorries.

The fossil fuels consumed to get you your beer, it's insane.

Well, until little Heinrich walks them over here himself,

I don't have much choice.

Drink Scottish beer.

Drink Scottish beer?

I'm not a savage!

I drink beer for the...the piney aroma,

the zesty zip and pungent aftertaste,

not so that I can have a pagger on the Lothian Road of a Friday night!

Do you know where these bananas are from?

Lidl. Guyana.

Well, they don't grow them in Dumfries, so what can I do?

Do better. Make different choices.

Buy locally.

If I was to cook dinner for you tonight with all

the sustainable food in the fridge,

do you know what we'd be having?

An Ayrshire potato.

Ellen, please.

I'm in the thick rough here.

I'm struggling to make par.

No. Oh, Ellen. Why is it..?

Oh, no.

Ellen, please don't tell me you've cancelled the sports channels.

Saudi Arabian sportswashing.

Nice one, Dad.

How did you know my password?

"P underscore assword".

You've had that for years.

Why can't I resubscribe?

Well, I've changed the password.

What have you changed it to?

Oh!

Is it "defund the police" again?

You weren't saying that when you were 14

and police funding paid for your skiing lessons!

I have the fullest confidence in Chief Commissioner...

Oh, no! She's publicly supporting my policy.

No, no, no, don't!

The policy is going to be trashed on Sunday!

No! Yeah, get with the programme, Una!

TRHV. It's bollocks!

Why did you say that?

Well, that's what you said the other night when you were banging on

about the change in the very nature of reality.

"Well, if I call my beer a health drink, is it no longer a beer?"

The Rousseau of the Rozzers.

Did you record me and leak it to the press?

Did I what?!

You just don't care, do you?

It's just chaos for chaos's sake.

Whoa! What have you been smoking?

The van and the activism and throwing my life into disarray!

Wait, do you actually think I leaked something to the papers?

That is low, even for you.

I wouldn't grass up my own dad.

Well...

I mean, obviously, I didn't really think it was you.

I...

I just... Look, I have to rule everybody out, is all.

I started with you first because you're the last person

I'd suspect of doing it.

And that's... that's classic police work.

I'm going to the van.

Oh, Ellen!

Do you want to take your potato?

Take your potato!

It's from Girvan!

DOOR SLAMS

I accused Ellen of being a leaker.

My own daughter. Can you believe it?

What's become of me? But I can't trust anyone!

Big man... I couldn't sleep last night.

I think it could be Katriona.

I mean, who stands to benefit most if I'm canned?

She does. Chief!

It's like I'm in The Traitors!

You know, who's a Faithful? Who's a Traitor?

But if The Traitors taught us one thing,

it's always to suspect the seemingly most faithful.

It's you.

What?

I sent the recording to cyber security. They traced it.

It's from your phone.

I'm the leaker?

Probably a butt dial.

I butt-dialled my own leak?!

I'm the snake! The sneak, the snitch.

Well. So now we don't have to look for the rat.

We found the rat.

I'm the rat!

I mean, it sounds bad, but it's good.

Oh!

Well, that's one problem solved.

Next, the story. We know it's coming. You'll get a kicking.

Fair play. That's their job.

So, we will need to rehabilitate your image.

How is your cha-cha-cha?

Solid. Why?

So I could try and get you on Strictly.

Er, no. Maybe Strictly is too high profile.

The pottery one. Can you sew? Sorry...

This is your plan to save my skin?

You're going to get me on what, Homes Under The Hammer?!

Perfect! That's more your speed.

You don't have to be enjoying this quite so much, Rohan.

Sir, this is a full blown crisis.

I'm a pig in the proverbial -

this or another campaign against bogus gas fitters?

Crisis management every time.

What am I going to do?

In a crisis, control the things you can.

Deal with Una!

You're going to have to sugar that doughnut.

There you go. Thank you.

Oh! I, um, caught your performance on TV the other night, sir.

Very statesman-like.

Stateswoman-like. Uh-huh.

Statesperson-like.

States..them...like.

No need for the kiss-ass, Cameron.

We're all in this TRHV boat together.

Indeed we are. Which is why I just wanted to get ahead of a story

that could possibly, maybe, probably more than likely will be

breaking at the weekend.

Intriguing.

Yes.

Sunday Saltire, unfortunately,

have a recording of what they're claiming is me

saying something which which might be construed,

if taken the wrong way, as being potentially

mildly critical...

..of the TRHV policy.

The policy that the government and I personally

have fully thrown our weight behind?

That's the one.

And was it you?

Well, my team feel that, on balance,

yes, there is a high percentage possibility that, yes, it's me.

Right. I see.

Well, we've been here before, right? We know the drill.

Private conversation illegally leaked,

most likely by someone who has a personal grudge.

And it will just all blow over, and then we can get back to...

Laser targeting serious crime!

Well, thank you for being so forthright with me, Cameron,

I appreciate that.

Not at all.

Oh, one other thing.

The voice on the recording which is trending towards

probably being me, also says something mildly derogatory.

One word - basically one silly little word -

about yourself.

About me? Yes.

And the word is?

You want to know the word?

Well, you've kind of piqued my interest, Chief.

Doughnut.

Doughnut?

Yes. Said in jest, and very much taken out of context.

You called me a doughnut?

Well, the voice on the recording, which is trending towards

probably being me, called you a doughnut.

But I just wanted to reassure you that my media team

are all over it,

and they are working ceaselessly, tirelessly,

to have the story squashed.

Or is it quashed?

I just...

I knew you'd appreciate me being so forthright...with you.

So, this one has extra security,

minimising potential for any accidental posterior mishap.

Wow. Finally, a phone that works,

fit for my purpose.

Three biometrics.

Facial, fingerprint and odour.

Odour? It can smell me?!

That's incredible.

Do I have to actually put it under the...

No. No, no. Any skin contact. Oh.

Oh, look! It's got one of those funny apps

that show you what you're going to look like when you're old.

That's the camera, sir.

PHONE BLEEPS

Oh. Just say "answer".

Oh. Answer!

Answer.

Odgovori.

Odgovori?

Last used undercover, Serbian gang.

I'll get it changed. Nice try, Cam.

Think you can win me over by investigating the theft of Pippin?

Pippin?

What are you talking about?

A couple of your boys came round, took a statement.

"We're launching an investigation.

"We'll leave no stone unturned."

Well, it's not going to work.

The story runs.

And it's definitely a hobbit? Good work.

And, eh, a chocolate milkshake and curly fries, thanks.

Deliveroo.

Deliveroo is an app, Katriona.

Insubordination!

I'm just after telling you, don't investigate events or happenings!

So don't send a unit into Mordor to climb Mount Doom

looking for that wee clay clown.

But listen, sir.

Operation Gollum has yielded results. Operation Gollum?!

You've given it a name?

Aye. The boys wanted to call it Smeagol, but I thought...

I don't care what the boys wanted to call it!

Shut it down.

But we've found Pippin.

How much have you spent? What price justice?

That's what I'm asking!

Less than we spend on social media for the police dogs.

The whole point of the TRHV policy is to save money.

But the ex-wife took it.

She's a thief. Let me investigate.

Who knows? It could help with the whole Gavin thing.

How do you know about the Gavin thing?

The whole force knows about the Gavin thing.

The fact there's a leak's leaked?!

The leak's leaking now!

Operation Gollum could reunite Gavin with Pippin.

He's not going to care, Katriona.

The boy's dreaming of a Pulitzer Prize.

A career-defining scoop that brings down the people's chief

and his flagship policy

that redefines the very nature of crime.

He's not going to throw all that away for a garden gnome.

But we're the police.

If we police...

There's more to police work than policing.

Shut it down.

OK, sir.

Operation Gollum is no more.

Thank you, Katriona.

Try and remember that you are my subordinate,

not my insubordinate.

You get serious about serious crime,

and I'll keep us out of the newspapers.

Ellen!

Ellen?

Funny thing is, it turns out that I was the leaker.

We'll have a good laugh about this in the future,

when we remember that time it turned out that I was the leaker.

What did you say on it, the recording?

I was mildly critical of police policy,

and I may have called the Justice Minister a doughnut.

Whoo! And I'm the rebel?!

Welcome to the revolution, Dad.

It could be catastrophically bad, Ellen.

And your first thought, your very first thought, was that I did it.

Your own daughter?

My first thought, actually, was that it might have been Katriona.

Another woman. Interesting.

You'll blame Mum next.

No, I would never blame Mum.

No, she's far too slick and conniving to ever get caught.

No, it was definitely me.

Oh!

Look, El... Ellen, you can come back up to the flat now if you want.

And by way of apology, how about a reclassification

of our living arrangements?

A quid pro quo.

You come back up to the flat and I'll...

I'll live on flat beer and weeds.

Ellen?

Sorry, what policy?

Oh, yes. The Chief Commissioner's TRHV policy.

Yes, we're aware that the Scottish Police Force are trying...

She's distancing herself.

We're being distanced.

It's a distancing.

HE SIGHS

Oh, she's now the we.

I'm just a he.

We need Una close.

Maybe it's time the government put pressure on the Fourth Estate.

Call Una Struan.

Una Struan. Leave a message.

Ah, Una.

I can't help but feel I'm a little bit distanced down here.

Yes, I know, it's just like the Covid days.

Although I do feel that you're keeping me

a little bit more than two metres away.

Ah, come on, Una, we're all in this together.

Could you...

Could you appeal to Gavin, please?

For me?

For the Scottish Police Force?

For us?

For the new Scotland!

Like I say, Gavin, it was merely the Chief having a robust discussion

to test the solidity of the new policy.

Stress testing.

Yes, a policy that is being somewhat lost

among the general background chatter.

And is calling you a doughnut part of the background chatter?

Yes, absolutely.

I mean, we have many affable nicknames for each other,

don't we, Chief? We've lots! We've loads, don't we?

I call him...

..Cam the Bam,

Officer Dribble, er, The Lump...

What other names do I call you, Chief?

Oh, she, er...

Gosh, there's so many.

Yes. The one about you carrying a few extra pounds?

Oh, yes. What's that one?

It's a funny one.

She calls me Fat...Bo...

Bobby! Fat Bobby, she calls me.

Fat Blobby the Bobby.

You see, Gavin, the relationship between the parliament,

the police and the press, do you really want to risk all that

for something that isn't even a thing?

Yeah.

If it wasn't a thing, do you think I'd be sat here with you two?

We're going to run with it.

Well, thanks for the meeting.

I'll send a copy to Bute House.

Well, it was worth a shot.

What are we going to do now?

"We"?

Oh!

You're back?

That's nice.

At least someone isn't distancing.

Good day propping up the crypto-fascist state

and eroding our civil liberties?

I've had better.

Listen, I've been thinking.

If I do get canned, maybe you and I could travel.

Peru?

Peru! I've always wanted to see Peru.

You won't get canned, Dad.

You're the great survivor.

Smells good.

Looks...veggie.

Made with carbon neutral ingredients,

all locally sourced.

However, I'm going to quid pro quo.

Here's an imported beer for you.

TRHV.

It's not an equal crime if I can reclassify it as an equal event.

And the...sports channels?

There's only so much I can reclassify. Ah, fair enough.

But I've changed the password back, so fill your boots.

P underscore assword?

P underscore assword.

Oh, well...

Oh.

Bryson DeChambeau,

how I have yearned for you!

OK, here's your Hail Mary statement.

Apologise. Misquoted. Apologise again.

Out of context. Apologise.

A wee tear wouldn't go amiss.

Go full Sturgeon.

Sir, two things.

One, I'm afraid I've been insubordinate again.

But two, you need to come and see this, right now.

So, I couldn't help myself.

I thought no harm getting a couple of boys to have a word with the ex.

When they get to the street,

they see this guy with a huge pair of bolt cutters

sitting about the railings.

And would you believe?

Ah!

Gavin!

Gavin, Gavin.

Mr Gilchrist here was found damaging his ex-wife's property.

She stole Pippin.

Trespass, breach, antisocial behaviour, theft.

Aren't these exactly the sort of crimes that

we used to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law?

And still could. Some think should.

But they are now reclassified under the TRHV policy,

a policy that is, I believe,

fully backed by the Sunday Saltire.

Nothing personal, Gavin.

Just doing my job.

Ah, a "robust policy"!

Well said, Gavin.

Call Una Struan.

Una Struan. Leave a message.

Ah, Una!

Damnedest thing.

Turns out that the voice on the recording wasn't me after all.

No, it was voice cloning.

Ah, it's incredible what these cyber criminals can do

with technology these days.

Serious crimes.

Which, fortunately, is what we are laser targeted on.

This is the real Cameron Miekelson signing off.

This just came in from the Justice Office.

Oh, very nice.

Oh! Customised.

Tuck in, Paul.

World Shut Your Mouth by Julian Cope

World, shut your mouth

and shut your mouth