Original subtitles

My favourite writer is John Grisham.

Taut, exciting and always with a twist in the tale.

Boom!

Dynamite, big man.

That'll light up the Daily Saltire website.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sir, I need to book you in for the Check Your Privilege workshop.

Oh, you'll enjoy that, Chief.

Which of my particular privileges am I checking?

Uh, all of them.

All of them? How many do I have?

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

Oh a lot.

Well, it's important work.

We must all be aware of our inherent biases and unconscious privileges.

When is it? Thursday week. Ah, no, can't do it.

I'm keynote speaker at the Malt Whisky Society AGM.

Me, Gavin Hastings and Lord Mackay of Clashfern.

Careful, chief. You're straying into privileged territory there.

The whole point of being in a privileged position

is so that I can dodge things like the Check Your Privilege workshop.

I'll tell them you've got, uh, a SCOBRA meeting, sir.

I'll play the national security trump card.

SCOBRA. Very good, Paul.

Daily Saltire, you say?

Yeah, Grisham's American.

We don't want the Nats picketing the office. Let's go again.

My favourite writer is Sir Walter Scott.

Taut, exciting and always with a twist in the historical tale.

Hey, Paul!

Run a Google search on Walter Scott.

Make sure he wasn't a slave owner.

SIREN BLARES

HE BLOWS SHARPLY Ah! Chief!

Ah, Lindsay! Eh, ah, if you have a second,

I want to talk to you about the Recruit of the Year.

Ah, yes. Looking forward to it.

I was Recruit of the Year.

You know, I can still remember the Chief Commissioner's speech.

"Raise your truncheon high and go

"amongst them with purpose and vigour."

Ha! Wonderful stuff.

Quite the image of gratuitous brutality.

Yes, those were the...

..the terrible, inappropriate times.

In the rear view mirror now, thankfully.

Yeah. Since The Recruit of the Year is female, there's pressure

to have a female presenting the award.

Pressure from who?

The tides of history.

It's been a patriarchy for centuries, Chief.

Well, that's probably why we're so good at it.

There's no substitute for experience.

Recruitment among women is down,

and we need to do something about it.

Well, who are you thinking of? Lorraine Kelly?

Your deputy, Katriona.

Muldoon!

No, no. The rank and file expect to see the main man.

I went to the theatre once to see Sir Anthony Hopkins

and got his understudy - the boy with the big nose from The Bill.

Audible groans of disappointment.

We wouldn't want that.

It would send a powerful message to young women.

So would seeing me!

They'll think, "One day I'll be that man."

If they see Katriona up there,

they'll just think, "Ah, it's already been done."

Thanks for the feedback.

Survey after survey. The facts don't lie.

The Scottish public still see their police force overwhelmingly

as a boys' club.

Boys' club? No, no, no.

My priority is gender equality and inclusion.

I'm glad to hear it, Chief.

You know, it is high time

that we considered a female Chief of Police.

Oh! Ah!

Sorry, could you...? Apologies.

Maybe not HIGH time. IN time.

Sometime...many years down the road.

Relax, relax, Cameron.

I don't mean this minute.

We're future proofing.

I mean, you know, you could get hit by a tram tomorrow...or cancelled.

Cancelled?! No, no.

Not me. You know, my cupboards are skeleton-free zones.

I threw out the fake plastic breasts a long time ago.

THEY LAUGH

So how about your deputy, Muldoon?

Could she step up?

Katriona? Yeah.

Well, in a hypothetical, speculative,

very-unlikely-to-happen world.

She's a capable officer.

Strengths? Hardworking.

Brave.

Loyal.

Mm. Do you want to hear, uh,

do you want to hear her weaknesses?

I could list all her weaknesses for you if you...if you'd like that?

Oh, no. You can always work on weaknesses.

It's strengths that I'm interested in.

Oh! Well, I mean, you know, for the sake of future proofing,

I think we should maybe list her weaknesses -

stubborn, volatile, zealous.

Yes, yes, if you're a woman.

But, huh, if you're a man,

oh, well, you know, focused, passionate, ambitious.

That's our Katriona.

You know, a lot of men in your position would feel

quite threatened, Cameron, but not you.

Not me. No.

You embrace change and modernity.

You're a friend to women, a friend to the New Scotland.

And the police force has to be a forward facing,

progressive feminist force.

And that is why I am working ceaselessly towards that goal.

And that's the kind of attitude that ensures longevity.

You're an ally.

Right, come on, into battle.

Stableford.

No mulligans and cocks out if you don't clear the ladies' tee.

Of course.

My favourite writer is Val McDermid.

Taut, exciting and always with a twist in the tale

from a refreshingly progressive female perspective.

Yes, that's more representative of who I am.

I want the nation to see the real me. Woke.

Yeah, I can't be seen as a dinosaur.

I'm a...I'm a leading light in the wokerati.

You took the knee before the force's shinty final.

Yeah, I was just tying my shoelace, but it seemed to play well. Aye.

It's not every day you get retweeted by both Spike Lee and Dougie Vipond.

Yeah, but still, I need to up my woke quotient.

I'm thinking of throwing my weight behind gender-neutral toilets.

Force wide. That's part of it.

But it's a world view, Chief.

Inclusion, progression, diversity.

Yeah...

You're right. Let's do another one.

My favourite writer is Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

Taut, exciting and always with a twist in the tale.

From a refreshingly progressive female, diverse perspective.

Smashed it, Chief!

Paul, cancel the Malt Whisky Society and sign me up for the

Check Your Privilege workshop. Will do, sir.

Ah...

The sharks are circling, Paul.

I've got to play this one very skilfully.

I have to support and promote women all the way up to my door

and then slam it shut, whilst appearing to leave it open.

It's a minefield!

CAMERON SIGHS

Shit happens.

Paul, what's the matter?

Oh, it's just... Mr Barker died.

Oh, Paul, Paul.

I'm sorry.

I tell you, grief is the price we pay for love.

Who's Mr Barker?

Best dog that ever breathed.

Your dog?!

Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking about some inspirational

teacher or a mentor like me, but it was just your dog!

I mean, sorry, not JUST.

I'm not suggesting that Mr Barker wasn't important...

..isn't important.

I wanted to give him the send-off he deserves.

It's the Little Rascals pet cemetery, but it's so spenny.

Oh...

..yes, that is expensive.

Still, look at that coffin.

It's got... Its handles are little dog ears.

CAMERON CHUCKLES

It's... It's cute.

I guess I'll just have to scatter his ashes in his favourite park.

It's what he would have wanted!

Now, come on, Paul, life goes on.

Not for Mr Barker, but for us.

And I think we owe it to Mr Barker

to make the most of what time WE have left.

So why don't you pop down to the canteen and fetch me

a square sausage roll with an egg chaser?

Oh, sorry. Sorry, I shouldn't have said "fetch".

Maybe that's a little bit triggering.

Pop down to the canteen and furnish me with a...

..festoon me a roll.

Good lad, Paul!

You wanted to see me, sir?

Ah, yes, Katriona.

Come in. Big news.

I would like you to take the leading role in this year's

Recruit of the Year ceremony.

Thank you, sir. Shake the recruit's hand.

Pass her the ceremonial truncheon.

The ceremonial truncheon - feels like yesterday.

Of course, cos you were Recruit of the Year.

I remember the Chief Commissioner's speech.

"Raise it high, bang up the bams, get them into the back of the van."

Proper policing.

You might have to keep your speech on the right side of history,

though, you know, inclusive, progressive.

Maybe mention mental health. Ten minutes tops.

Sorry, sir, a speech?

Do you want me to host it?

You're my understudy.

The boy with the big nose from The Bill.

A problem? Public speaking.

Not really my area of strength, sir.

I was a maid of honour at my sister's wedding - I threw up.

Well, we've all had to nip to the loo in moments of high stress.

Top table, into the champagne bucket...during the speech.

Ah! I ruined the video and a couple of the bridesmaids' dresses.

Didn't you have a debating society at school?

Debating wasn't massive at my school, sir.

What was? Glue.

Well, I have every confidence in you, Katriona.

Get this right and it reflects well on me.

Reflects well on you, reflects well on us.

I won't let you down, sir. I will pass that truncheon.

Chief. Ah.

I hear you can't do the Check Your Privilege workshops.

SCOBRA. Ah, no, actually,

I have kicked SCOBRA into the long grass

and I am prioritising that workshop.

Good. I'm impressed you managed to make that happen.

Well, remember to complete the four online modules before the workshop.

Oh, for fu... Four?!

Just the four? I was actually expecting...hoping for more.

I'm happy to do more than four.

I'm happy to do five if you want. HE CHUCKLES

Oh, Susan. Sorry. How are you?

Let me get that for you. That's OK. I've got it fine, sir.

No, no, I'm keenly aware that,

you know, there's some simple actions that many of us

take for granted can cause others difficulties.

So, can I give you a push?

I've got it fine. Thank you, sir. There you go.

Oh, and Katriona will host the Recruit of the Year ceremony.

It's high time.

Let's inspire those young pups. Brilliant.

Are you...? I don't know. Yes. I got a tight hamstring.

I can't risk the stairs. I'm not sure...

Oh, I really don't... Oh.

Sir, could you...?

Yes.

Ah. Now...

Oh, Paul.

It's helpful to work through your grief.

Distraction can be good.

Yeah. You're right, sir. I'll keep busy. Yeah.

That's the attitude.

And in that spirit, could you do my, uh,

Check Your Privilege modules for me?

Thank you very much, Paul.

Ellen, I know we don't have a formal tenancy contract,

but just take it as read

that anti-capitalist protests from my balcony

are against the spirit of our agreement.

Right. What do you want it to say? "Stop free speech"?

Just bring it in now!

It's drying and I need it for the protest...

No, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me.

I support your right to protest.

But never tell me where you're protesting.

I don't want to become an accessory, or tip off the boys.

You haven't come across a ceremonial truncheon anywhere, have you?

It's Recruit of the Year.

You've got so much junk! Yeah, I know.

Oh, look at you and Mum. Ah.

I barely recognise you. You look so...

Young. ..happy.

Yeah, well, that was before Mum went a wee bit mental.

Mum's not mental.

And don't use that word, it's ableist.

Sorry. Before she went a bit off

with that skinny wee radge from Plockton.

You happy with "radge"? It's not ableist.

No. OK. Cos Malky is a skinny wee radge.

Oh, there she is!

Remember? You were so heteronormative.

When you were seven, you loved negatively impacting young girls'

self-esteem and body image,

fostering insecurities and self-doubt.

You used to play that all day.

Hey, do you think if we can't find the truncheon,

the recruit would be happy with Bop It?

UPBEAT MUSIC

Bop it, nick it,

cuff it, kettle it...

I'm glad you're finally here.

You're the last employee of 23,000 to complete this course.

If you pass. Oh, I feel good about it.

I feel good about myself.

I feel that I'm evolving.

Baby steps, Chief.

Oh, here we go.

Hello, everyone. Most of you will know me.

You'll have seen me rolling around the place.

THEY CHUCKLE

But if not, I'm Susan Forsyth, and I'll be running

this Check Your Privilege workshop.

Susan, firstly, apologies for using your loo the other day.

Feel free to use mine any time you want.

Well, not mine. Yeah, ours.

Thank you, Chief.

So this workshop is an effort to make people aware

of their inherent biases, with respect,

the sort of thing the Chief just said - yours and mine.

Members of a dominant group possess privilege over those whose identity

marginalises them in comparison.

May I respond, um, Susan?

I'd just like to...

Well, I'd like to walk you through my thinking.

Um, and that's...

There's a perfect example of the sort of thing

that I want to talk about - language.

You know, how many phrases in the English language contain

the word "walk", you know?

And what must it be like for Susan

to constantly be hearing those phrases?

You know, "walk of life", "walk away with", "walk a tightrope".

Um, well, there's nothing...nothing

we can do about that one, really, is there?

You can't exactly wheel a tightrope, can you?

It'd be some trick if you could, though, huh?

A top act in the circus.

"Walk all over", that's another one.

Although, you see, "walk all over",

that's a negative thing, that's a bad thing.

So maybe we keep "walk all over",

but we try and develop "wheel all over" as a positive.

Wheelie bin! You know, why should...why should rubbish

be associated with wheelie.

It should be walkie bin, huh?

Walkie bin. Because, after all,

you are...you are walking whilst you're wheeling it.

Well, I mean not you, Susan, but you get my thrust.

Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't say "thrust", you know,

there might be...there might be

somebody impotent here because not all disabilities,

you know, are visible, um...

You know, just food for thought.

Thank you for all attending today's workshop.

We got there. I trust it's been enlightening for you all.

Absolutely. You kept us on our toes.

Thank you, Susan.

To finish off, we'll just read out everyone's own personal burdens,

all anonymous, and then we can say goodbye to them.

Anxiety.

CAMERON MOUTHS SILENTLY

Anger.

Bad body image.

Low self esteem.

Fear of over perfection.

Mistrust.

Envy.

Actually, can we cut to the chase?

Um, did I pass?

She can't be that bad, surely?

She can't talk, she can't breathe!

Parts of her start randomly shaking.

If you want to pull her, I'd be happy to step in her role.

I can't replace a woman with a man.

Not with us getting all this heat for being a boys' club.

No, no, we need those female optics.

I'll provide optics. Different optics.

Yeah. Tremendous optics.

No-one's doubting your optics, Rohan, but the optics currently

required by the tide of history are provided by Katriona.

I can be a lot of things, but I just can't be a woman.

Oh, there are certain advantageous disadvantages

that you and I can never have.

Now, I need you to back Katriona, Rohan.

Go full feminist? Full double feminist.

Just relax, all right?

We're here to help.

Hello! Sorry. What's that? What's what?

Your face. I'm smiling.

Oh, right. Yes, good idea. Keep that.

I'll do the walk-on.

Yes. That will relax you. Do the walk-on.

Oh, why are you walking like that?

It's cos you're looking at me!

Stop judging me. We've all done our SYFO module.

SYFO module, remind me?

Support Your Fellow Officer. Yes, that. Of course.

That's what we're doing, we're SYFO-ing you!

I was Recruit of the Year. Yeah. And one of the best we've ever had.

I had to work harder than any bloke to get that recognition.

Blood and sweat, tears and snotters got me where I am now.

And I've still got you telling me what to do. Well, we'll just...

I have to be ten times better than you lot.

Just because I didn't play rugby with Jonty

or Spunky Biscuit with the boys in the dorm.

So we will work on this later,

because I've got actual police work I need to be getting on with.

DOOR CLOSES I didn't go to school with a Jonty.

I had six in my class.

Oh, giraffe's arse!

SHE SIGHS High and stinky.

Oh. I've asked Katriona to host the Recruit of the Year ceremony.

Oh, happy for her to steal your limelight?

Share, Una. Share.

Yeah, I'm confident she'll give a memorable performance.

Oh, and I get to ride in the limo and sook on your guava water.

Be my guest. Well, I'm in.

Right, Cammie, come on.

May as well save time and get your cock out now.

Happy to do that.

Happy to. As long as you get yours out.

Ah, you're unpacking.

Ah, I...

I was policing a festival.

A reveller put them on me.

It was good for morale.

It's not the '90s any more, Dad.

Look, big Aileen from forensics wore a prosthetic penis,

so the sexism went both ways.

Don't use the word big.

All of this, get it gone.

I'm sorry. I'm a work in progress, but I am an ally.

Anyways, I found your ceremonial phallic symbol.

Ah, there it is!

Set about them with purpose and vigour and disgust.

Mental health and other relevant issues of the day with them.

What's this photo?

Ah, that's the Christmas fancy dress party.

Must be about 1984.

Me and the boys, and my former boss, Alec.

Or should I say Margaret Thatcher, Madonna, Fu Manchu, Michael Jackson?

And I am Jimi Hendrix!

Who's that supposed to be?

The silver haired guy in the gold tracksuit with a cigar.

I have absolutely no idea who that is.

I've never seen him before in my...

Oh, look, there's, uh, there's big Aileen.

Oh, sorry. Atypical body-sized Aileen.

She's a Kray twin, I think.

Sexism, racism, cultural appropriation,

glorification of violence, transphobia all in one photo.

We know that now, but that was just every other Wednesday in the 1980s.

Ellen, it was a party.

Yeah, I thought I'd make it

into a climate activist for you.

I thought you'd like it.

I do actually.

She can come with us when we go... Don't tell me!

Ah. Thank you, Paul.

Oh, now, Paul. You really did a tremendous job completing my

Check Your Privilege modules.

And, well, as a token of my appreciation, I would like to

make a contribution towards Mr Barker's funeral.

Really?

Oh, I'm made up, sir.

No, no, no, no worries.

You know, because without you, I would definitely have failed.

Lyndsay, hello! Come in. How are you?

Chief, we have the results from your Check Your Privilege module.

Ah, yes. Well, I do feel that I have grown, you know,

as a...as a person by, uh, by participating.

I particularly enjoyed the part where you identified the

"causal link between affinity and attribution bias."

Yes, yes. Well, I do feel of all the biases, you know,

that those are the two that do, well, they tend to be overlooked.

And the list of insulting words you flagged up to avoid -

"simp, negaton, sife, dickweed and doggy knobber.

Terrible. Terrible.

Steer clear.

Almost the vocabulary of...

..a younger person.

Well, my daughter does tend to keep me up to speed with,

you know, what's fire and what's butters.

Oh, brilliant.

I'm sure you value ALL input.

I do. I do.

See you, Paul.

This is my dream funeral.

Whoa! Now, I said a contribution. Contribute.

Uh, no, I know, sir. Like...like I contributed to your modules.

I mean, it's not a huge coffin for the money, though, is it?

That's for the headstone too.

Then it's extra for the carving. £10 a letter.

Oh, right. And, uh, what were you thinking?

In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still.

Well, that's beautiful.

In my heart you hold a place no-one could ever fill.

And then his dates and his name, Mr Barkington Barker.

That's a bit formal, isn't it, Paul?

What about, "Mr B, RIP"?

No. No, no, no, I don't think he'd like that.

Ooh, would you be happy to say a few words at the funeral?

It would, um, it would mean the world to me.

Well, of course, Paul.

I'll give you a brief.

Some bullet points about his life.

I can send you a copy of his family tree.

Maybe start with the anecdote about the time that he, uh,

he went to Inverleith Park with his cousin...

Thank you, Paul. ..Miss Barker.

I just wanted to wish you luck.

And I'd like to apologise for my outburst, sir.

No need for that. No, no, I was out of order.

And when I referenced a particular public school pastime,

I wasn't inferring that you actually ate a spunky biscuit. No.

Apology accepted.

Case closed.

You know, Katriona, I don't think I've ever fully appreciated

how difficult it's been for you.

What a challenge it still is.

And, well, maybe that is my privilege speaking.

Anyway, how are you getting on with your speech?

It's still pish.

I'm still pish.

Well, we all have different strengths.

I'm a born leader.

You're police and you can make a speech.

Not in front of top brass, insignia, the justice minister.

I'm just a wee lassie from Gartcrumnock.

WERE a wee lassie from Gartcrumnock.

Now you're the Deputy Chief Commissioner

of a progressive, forward-facing modern feminist police force.

Look, just imagine it's a cold, wet, dark Monday evening

and you're firing up the troops

to raid that drug farm in Possilpark.

Me and the rest of the sisterhood, we're rooting for you.

Now, you go get 'em!

Do it for the truncheon.

I'm no quitter.

Thank you, sir.

SYFO. SYFO.

Thank you, Paul. Excellent polish.

Oh, and here is the invoice for Mr Barker's funeral.

Are you absolutely set on the choir?

Yeah. CAMERON SIGHS

I'm looking forward to your speech, Katriona.

So am I, Minister.

Your boss here speaks very highly of you.

Yes, I do. I do.

I've never done bigging her up. THEY CHUCKLE

What was it again?

Hard-working, loyal, brave.

That's my deputy. Kimberly, could you step on it, please?

We don't want to delay this

young recruit's thrill any longer than we have to.

CROWD CHANT INDISTINCTLY

Rohan, we've got caught up in the climate change protest.

Can you step in and do the speech?

Right, give me that.

I'll go among them with purpose and vigour.

Clear the roads! Clear!

Good luck!

CROWD BOOS

CAMERON MOUTHS SILENTLY

Uh, isn't that your daughter?

Where? There.

No, I don't think so.

It is.

Oh, right. Yes. That is my daughter.

Why didn't you tell me, Ellen?!

Well, not exactly what we had in mind for our VIP guest,

but she did get to see your forward-facing, progressive...

Old-fashioned, get them in the back of the van police work, sir.

Well, you certainly set about them with purpose and vigour.

17 arrests!

And a letter of thanks from the chief executive of the oil company.

Nice boy.

Actually, I'm seeing him tonight at the Malt Whisky Society.

I'd invite you along, Katriona, but, well, it's men only.

Thank you, sir. And sorry about the, uh...

Oh, don't you worry about that.

We'll have that glued back together.

Now, Katriona, I know how much you wanted to make that speech,

how much it meant to you.

So I would like you to deputise for me again

at the very first available opportunity.

Thank you, sir.

DISTANT BAGPIPES PLAY

Mr Barker was more than a dog.

He was a friend, a companion,

a rock in a weary land.

PAUL WHIMPERS

like a woman like me

like a woman like me

like a woman like me

la-la-la like a woman like me

la-la-la like a woman like me

la-la-la woman like me