Original subtitles

Of course, we need to show Holyrood that we want to save the planet,

but it would be inconceivable for me to do my job

without my official car.

What do you expect me to do? Cycle?

A lot of our officers cycle, sir.

I cycle. That could work for comms.

The green chief, blue light, green bike.

Turquoise Five.

You could cycle, Katriona, cos you're not a terrorist target.

Where was I on that list they found, Paul?

13th. 13th?

No, I was higher than that, wasn't I? Thought I was ninth.

No, no, ninth was big Gerry Butler.

You were 13th, just behind the Falkirk Wheel.

Really?

Look, it's not about me,

it's about the dignity of the position.

What are the nation's bams going to think

if they see Scotland's number one cop

turning up for work on the number 26 bus?

Man of the people.

Relatable and a money saver.

Travel free now, right?

Lose your car, sir.

And I could get uniform 100 rechargeable Tasers.

A thousand if we source them from Albania.

I don't think they are human rights compatible.

Aye, but they'll do the job.

Power to the polis, literally.

We need to show government we've made some progress, eco-wise.

Tasers are eco. Electric.

Yeah, you want more Tasers, Katriona, I understand,

but these MSPs are going to grill us about

what action we've actually taken.

What happened to our plan to give every traffic cop an eco-cup?

Plastic was toxic.

Ended up in a dump near Airdrie.

Solar panels?

Our target is 40% on station base by year end.

And where are we at as of now?

We've done Drumnadrochit.

THE CHIEF SIGHS

The chief of the Scottish police force

ditching his car is a big splash.

I do look good in Lycra.

OK, OK, let's throw them the bone.

We'll dump the car.

I'm on my bike.

OK, car is gone.

We are going big bike energy, PCs on wheels,

singing that Queen song for TikTok.

Adios, amigo.

Hola, Cameron Bikelson.

SIREN WAILS

In this time of eco-emergency,

the Scottish police force could not be more eco-conscious.

Today, we are proud to announce the completion of the installation

of solar panels on every police station in, er...

Drumna... ..vast swathes of the Skye,

Badenoch and Lochaber region.

But the green jewel in our sustainability crown

is that I personally have just taken the decision,

the very bold and brave decision,

to retire my official car.

A major sacrifice, I'm sure you'll agree,

because I... Very interesting.

Just before recess, perhaps you could tell the committee

the Scottish police force's position

regarding the Second Chance initiative.

The, er, the Second... Second Chance Initiative.

Er, yes, we are...

We are currently, er, currently, er,

formulating, er, our final position

on that initiative.

Good.

We look forward to you enlightening us on that position.

Recess is called.

BELL RINGS

What's the Second Chance Initiative?

I thought we were just getting an eco-grilling.

A charity-led government rehabilitation scheme to get

ex-offenders back into employment.

Oh, shite.

It's another one o' they daft schemes.

Ach, they've been trying this since the '80s.

It's just a reboot of give a lad a leg up.

"The Second Chance Initiative is part of the national conversation

"on mental health."

We are the police.

The best way for us to deal with your mental health

is to nab the rocket that stole your telly and shat on your rug.

Hold on, they're not actually expecting us

to hire ex-convicts, are they?

We're not giving the keys to the castle to a bunch of radgies.

So we support it from the sidelines?

We support it from rows at the end of the stand.

We listen, we nod, we agree,

and then we give the whole thing a body swerve.

If we have to pay it lip service,

we'll put a bam in a boiler suit and bung them in the garage.

Ah, there he is.

Aha, Una!

Still behaving yourself, Chief?

Oh, always on my best behaviour for the Justice Minister.

Minister. Minister.

Scrapping the car, eh?

Is there nothing this hero won't sacrifice for his nation?

It's an eco-emergency, Una. Well, yes.

But as ever, my selfless benefaction seems to have gone unnoticed.

And the Second Chance Initiative,

where do you stand on it?

Well, you know, there's pluses and minuses.

Swings and roundabouts, pros and cons.

It's the First Minister's latest obsession.

On balance, though, more pro.

Ah, yeah, yeah,

we've got the pound shops and the call centres on board

but it's...it's all a bit Highland League.

The FM would love some more

high-profile traction for the scheme.

Maybe one of the big guns in the public sector

could lend it some gravitas.

Now, there's an idea.

A policing Pep Guardiola to promote the initiative

up to the Premiership.

And with your annual contract up for renewal,

wouldn't do you any harm just to remind everyone of your worth.

Right, yes, of course.

Although, do we need to remind everyone of my worth?

Well, no, I'm sure it's a rubber stamp,

but, er...

..belt and braces, Chief. Belt and braces.

BELL RINGS Oh, there's the Champions League theme.

Good luck, Pep.

So before recess, we asked the police position on

the... Second Chance Initiative.

Yes, a wonderful initiative, hugely important.

The Scottish police force are 110% behind it.

Indeed, I will recruit a key individual

from the Second Chance Initiative into my personal team.

Really?

What role would they play in your personal team?

My driver.

I thought you said you were retiring your car to save the environment.

Oh, well, my gas-guzzling petrol car to be replaced

by a sleek electric limousine.

Yes, I will personally mentor a second chancer

and put rehabilitation quite literally

in the driving seat.

Well, that's them finally off our backs.

Got there in the end.

Parliament pastries.

Ah! Well done everyone.

Team effort. Sir.

What happened to bam in a boiler suit?

A new car and a new driver.

Nice pivot, Chief.

It's a directive straight from government, Katriona.

My hands are tied.

OK, sir, back to work.

We're away to raid that meth lab in Cardonald.

Just give me the nod, and I'll hire the ringleader to come and make

the peach melba in the canteen.

Bin the bikes, drop the Queen song.

Are you happy to get on the phone-ins?

Always happy to engage with the great Scottish public, Rohan.

Highland criminals!

The police should be locking them up

and no in those fancy five-star hotels you call prisons.

Well, good morning to you too, Derek.

Now, if you'll forgive me, that's exactly the sort of negative

stereotyping that this initiative is designed to counter.

These people are...they're ex-bams.

Bams, Chief Commissioner?

Surely that's the type of negative stereotyping you're trying to avoid?

Of course, yes, you're absolutely right.

My bad, we don't use the word "bam" any longer.

We are an inclusive, progressive police force.

I was merely saying that people see a B word

and they tar that B word forever.

But with, you see, with this scheme, we can begin the process of..of...

..de-B-wording the B words.

I'll tell you who's a bastarding B word...

Thank you very much for that, Derek.

I mean, we've heard what Derek's had to say.

There's some fierce criticism there for you.

Well, every pioneer of social change attracts flak, Connie.

This, this initiative is about giving someone a brighter future.

And I am humbled to be able to give that to him.

Or her.

He could be a she.

Or them, he could be a them.

She could be a them.

They could be a them.

Chief Commissioner, thank you very much for your time this morning.

We've got the Justice Secretary, Una Struan,

on the way after the news at 9:30.

Stay where you are. Got everything you need?

Thank you for coming in. Thank you.

If you ever want a one-on-one kind of in-depth... Of course.

..personal profile... Thank you. you know where...

Ah, Una! Ah!

My girl.

Just been keeping the hot seat hot.

My warm-up man. My fluffer.

THEY LAUGH

Now for the headliner.

How are you doing?

Nice to meet you again.

And you. Yes.

Una. Yeah, thanks, Chief.

Bye.

Oh, and your high-profile Second Chance hiring hasn't gone unnoticed

by the FM.

Oh, by the FM? Oh, well, that's...

OK. OK.

What exactly did the FM say?

Er, it was general thumbs up?

An A-OK?

Chef's kiss? Was it more a gesture than a...?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Ready? Ready when you are.

Hello.

Er, OK.

I'll be right there.

I just don't see why you think chucking tomato soup

over a priceless 19th-century work of art is going to help your cause.

It was cullen skink.

Oh, it was cullen skink, was it? Organic?

Did you have it delivered to the gallery by Ocado?

The world's on fire.

Yeah, I'd like to stop oil too.

It would stop that wee bam ram-raiding every Tesco in Dundee.

The Ram Raiders aren't the real criminals.

How many times have I told you?

Keep your mouth shut.

No comment.

Look, can I go?

Is that within my rights, Dad?

You know, it'd be nice to see you, Ellen, just one time

when you haven't been arrested.

Oh, I wasn't arrested, only cautioned.

Anyways, you never get in touch with me.

But you're off-grid! You live in a van!

You could still find me.

What, you want me to run a licence plate check every time

I want to see my own daughter?

Well, nothing else to say to your old man?

Smash the patriarchy.

Free for a pre-meet?

Ah, Lindsey.

I always have time for a pre-meet meet

with my Head of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.

Happy to include you.

Glad to be included.

Caught your little stumble over the B word on the radio,

but you owned the error and embraced the toxicity.

You're training awayday paid off.

Proud to be a toxic embracer.

So, Jamie Carmichael is the head

of the Second Chance Initiative charity.

He'll tell you more about your potential new driver.

Now, some crucial do's and don'ts before the meeting.

No questions about crimes committed, that's all in the past.

No questions about the preferred candidate's schooling.

People are not defined by where they come from.

We don't even need to know the driver's surname,

as that may reveal a religious background. Where they live?

Their current socioeconomic status is not relevant.

Ah, so that leaves me with

their first name?

Yes, but don't read too much into that.

Exactly, Lindsey.

I mean, I thought you were a bloke until I first met you.

I mean, you still could be,

but I'm not allowed to ask, and I won't.

Thank you. Your car brochure, sir.

Oh, is this the S model?

The 75-D.

The 75-D, Paul.

Very nice.

One final point? Mm.

So, Jamie is actually visually impaired.

So refrain from using the "see" word.

Why would I call him that?

No, no.

See, S—E—E, um, or anything vision related.

It's disrespectful. I see, I see.

Just letting it all out.

And at the top of the meeting, it's also non-exclusionary

to describe what we're wearing.

OK, OK.

Hello there!

So... Hi. My name is Chief Commissioner Cameron Mickelson,

and I am wearing a black uniform with, er, epaulettes,

which denote my senior rank.

Not that that's important, of course.

I'm Lindsey McLeod, wearing a green dress with white shoes.

Pumps.

Hey, good to meet you, Jamie.

Chief, Lindsey, I'm wearing...

Well, I haven't a clue what I'm wearing.

THEY LAUGH

Well, Jamie, your organisation, like me, I understand,

wants to remove the stigma of a criminal record, am I right?

Oh, got it in one, Chief.

People who make bad life choices can still make good employees.

Exactly. Over 89% do not reoffend.

Uh-huh.

And of the 11% that do reoffend, though,

they are reoffending at a slower rate than before

and the crimes committed are generally lesser offences.

Oh, cool.

Exactly.

It acts as a coolant to the criminal urge.

So, with the support of a high-profile institution

such as the police, we believe the Second Chance charity

will go from strength to strength.

Everything OK?

Yes, perfect.

Jamie, could you tell us a little bit about

the preferred candidate to be the Chief's driver? Sure.

We carried out a thorough selection process,

and we believe our nominee, Davey,

to be an excellent choice for the position.

Davey.

OK, so it's a...

..a man?

Yes, so no worries about parking!

THEY LAUGH

Very good.

Well, Jamie, er,

we do have to run some of our own checks... Oh, sure.

..just to get sign-off, but it's basically a box tick.

So, no harm in Davey digging out the old driving gloves.

Music to my ears, Chief.

Well, nice to meet you, Jamie. And you.

Lindsey, see... show Jamie out.

Pump it.

Get your pump on.

Pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it all the way.

Don't let them catch you, Chief. Come on. Get your pump on.

Ooh, come on, yes!

Pump, pump.

Get your pump on, pump. Pump.

Hey, Dad.

Road tax has run out.

I need to off-road for a bit.

What, and you're planning to do that here?

No comment.

Cup of tea?

I was going to go and stay at Mum's, but Malky's pretty much moved in.

He's such a freaky wee skinny radge.

I saw him coming out of the shower once and he looked like

one of those hairless cats.

Yeah, that's Malky.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS One time I came in from the shop

and he was sitting on... Sorry, I have to take this.

It's my boss.

I thought you were the boss. I am the boss.

But you know, I have a boss.

Within the hierarchy there's a structure.

You'll understand if you actually ever get a job.

I've got a job.

Glueing yourself to a Vettriano isn't a career.

Better than being a puppet.

I'm an agent of change.

Screw the patriarchy.

That's the spirit, Chief.

Get your bra burned.

Una, yes!

Hello? Sorry, um, yeah, crossed wires.

I'll call you back in five minutes.

Yeah, the FM wants us to go balls deep

on the unveiling of your driver.

The full Holy Trinity, please.

Charity, government.

Not quite Beyonce and her glitter cannons,

but, you know, biggest show the Scottish Government can afford.

One Proclaimer and a Roman candle.

Gotcha, I'll do my best tight ten.

Yep, razzle-dazzle them, Chief.

Listen, is that your house?

Well, it's my new apartment, yes.

Not a fan of furnishings, then?

I haven't unpacked yet, is all.

How long have you been there?

Oh, about a year and a half.

I haven't fully put my roots down since me and the ex split.

Yeah, you're breaking my heart, Chief.

Right, I'll see you at the presser, OK?

And by the way, get yourself a yucca or something, eh?

PHONE PIPS

Ah! Miekelson!

The Police Federation have let us know what they think

of the Second Chance Initiative.

Are they happy? Keich.

They think it's keich.

The Police Federation are against all progress.

If it was up to them, they'd force you to still wear a skirt.

And you'd need my permission to open a bank account.

What's their problem? They've got their members to consider.

Rank and file feel it discriminates.

Against who? Them.

But it's for criminals, not the police.

Ah, but there are some police,

a few bad apples, who've got on the wrong side of the law.

It's only fair that a reformed ex-convict

police person should be up for the job.

But we can't go against the police code of ethics and hire a bent cop!

We're ignoring it by hiring an ex-con.

Yeah, well, we have to adhere to it to not hire a bent cop,

but ignore it in order to hire a con.

An ex-con.

It would be someone who's done their time.

Reformed.

It has to be somebody from the Second Chance Initiative.

We can't hire one of our own.

Oh, can we get her on the initiative?

Her?

Sorry, do you have somebody specific in mind?

Kimberly Naismith, you remember her?

Yes. Good fun.

Never off the mic at the inter-force Christmas karaoke.

Yes! Always sang I Fought The Law!

Yeah, nice lassie.

But didn't she properly lamp a bouncer, though?

It was... It wasn't far short of GBH.

She's done her anger management.

It can't be Kimberley.

Shocking optics,

screams corruption if the gig is an inside job.

Look, just put her on the list, you know, keep the Federation happy.

There is another wrinkle.

Oh, Lindsey, what now?

Any appointment that only considers ex-cons

could be construed to be discriminatory.

Against who?!

Non-cons.

But it's for ex-cons!

That's the whole point.

We can't... We can't give somebody a second chance,

only for it to turn out to be a first chance.

Legally, we simply can't ringfence candidates.

And technically it's beneficial

for the police to stay within the law.

Oh, what is this obsession with the law?!

OK, OK, the law wins.

Put a non-con, one, on the shortlist.

KNOCKING

New car's here, Chief.

Oh, excellent.

We'll reconvene tomorrow.

What colour is it?

Ultramarine blue.

Ultramarine blue.

Excellent, Paul. Excellent.

I would shoot my granny for a fag.

Very nice, Paul, very nice.

Ah, there's the mini fridge.

Perfect for my guava water.

Oh, check this out, sir.

Ah! Heated seats.

Oh, what a wonderful treat.

Once you get past the feeling you've peed yourself.

Siri, sir.

Siri, give me the weather.

Now playing The Weather Girls, It's Raining Men.

No, no, no, not The Weather Girls.

The weather outside, the Scottish weather.

Give me the...

Actually, no, leave it.

I haven't heard this one in years.

Stone-cold classic, Paul.

VOICES ON RADIO

Well, last day stuffed in this tin can.

Thanks for the lift, Paul. My pleasure, sir.

Never heard a football phone-in before.

So much anger.

Thanks, sir. Goodnight.

Come on.

So, er,

I've made up the spare room for you if you want to stay

for a night...

..or two.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, remember when you... you made me this?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, seriously?

Dad, these are the authors you have on display?

Cancelled.

Cancelled, should be cancelled.

Ellen, Ellen, Ellen, please.

If you're gonna stay, don't police the flat.

And don't police me.

Come on, kick back, let's watch some telly, come on.

There's a documentary on YouTube if you fancy it.

OK.

Mary Somerville.

She was the first female member

of the Royal Astronomical Society.

I know who Mary Somerville is.

Go on.

Or...the golf?

OK, everyone, decision time.

Three candidates, one job.

First up?

Kimberley.

She's a perfect fit for the police,

seeing as she used to be actual police.

She's a safe pair of hands

and a tidy pair of hands, too, in a tight spot.

I can look after myself, thank you very much.

Next. Alasdair.

His inclusion reflects the position that a lack of criminal convictions

should not be a barrier to employment

within the police force.

I anticipate pushback from the government due to us not

actually doing what they're asking us to do.

Which brings us to our Second Chancer.

Oh! Oh, shite.

I recognise that mugshot.

He's a McConnachie.

No surnames, no confirmation bias.

They are notorious.

There isn't a McConnachie that I haven't cuffed.

Even lifted old Granny McConnachie -

legs on the zimmerframe stuffed wi' Charlie.

Look at that fizzer - I love him, I fear him.

It screams true crime.

Excuse me, that's a prejudice

this initiative is designed to counter.

Oh, come on! It sure helps sell it when the bam looks that big a bam.

The B word!

All right, then, when the bastard looks that big a bastard.

That is obviously not what I meant.

Come on, he's a total Shuggie Bain!

Radge to redemption. Crisp messaging.

I prefer Kimberley.

Maybe we should extend the process.

He clearly...

OK, OK!

Thank you.

The process has benefited from this full and frank discussion.

Your input has been invaluable,

but I believe that the outstanding candidate

to drive my limousine for rehabilitation...

..is Davey McConnachie.

She's electric with a capital E, that one, yeah.

That's a planet saver.

Ah, there you are.

Welcome aboard, Davey.

I just want to say thank you.

I'm made up, honest to God, Chief, sir.

I lost my way for a bit there.

I've done some bad things.

Things I'm no' proud of.

But this man...

This man saw something in me.

Saw something in me!

Sensed something in you, Davey, sensed.

Well, look, let's just get the unveiling out of the way, Davey,

then we'll crack on with the Carpool Karaoke.

See being inside?

It sorted my head out, gave me an education.

Look at that, Chief.

"To go wrong in one's own way

"is better than to go right in someone else's."

That's from Crime and Punishment, Dostoyevsky.

Man, I love Dostoyevsky.

Do you read him, Chief? I've read a couple of Dostoevsky,

he's very good. Very good.

Socrates said education is the kindling of a flame. Yeah.

Davey, Davey, we're going to have a lot of time to chat later on,

but right now I really have to...

Would you excuse me? Oh, aye, on you go, Chief.

You're a busy man. Ah, yes. Right.

Order a soundproof partition for the car.

Mm, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm delighted to welcome you to the launch

of the Scottish Police Force's direct involvement

in the government's Second Chance Initiative.

I'd like to pass you over to one of the key stakeholders

in this initiative,

the Justice Minister, Una Struan.

Thank you, Chief.

This initiative is crucial in six ways.

Sir. Firstly, it's part of the New Scotland... There's an issue.

What issue? This government is committed to new methods...

McConnachie, he's reoffended.

He's what? When?

Last night, quarter past nine.

Robbed an off-licence in Gartcosh, scarpered.

But we got him on CCTV. Are you sure it's him?

Oh, it's just an offie.

Come on, it's a couple of bottles of Mad Dog.

Can't we live with it? He wasn't armed.

Yeah. Can we pay for it?

You know, just say it was for a party or something.

His mother's birthday.

Sir, we are the police.

What are we going to do? We can't...

We can't arrest him in front of the press!

That's terrible optics.

Maybe that's good optics.

The Scottish police force always gets our man.

Yes, yes.

If we hire an ex-criminal that turns out to still be a criminal,

then we will arrest that criminal.

Successful Second Chance recruitment candidate,

David McConnachie.

Oh, no!

Today I feel humbled. Humbled and gratificated.

But as a student of the great Alexander Solzhenitsyn...

I would like to say... Sir, we have to stop this now. ..I have done wrong.

But from here on in, I am fully committed to doing the right thing.

Tolstoy... Ah, David McConnachie, everyone!

And there we are.

Yes.

A man about to have his future guided by the Scottish police force

and that future starts right now.

Any chance of a third chance, Chief?

No, Davey.

As Albert Camus said, vous et un bam.

Retournez a la big hoose!

Interestingly, my new driver is a woman,

which is a good thing.

Women, as you know, I wouldn't say they're all the rage,

but they've never been more popular.

Kimberley Naismith, the former police officer?

Yes, but also a former criminal.

And that's what's important with the Second Chance Initiative.

Kimberley!

This appointment allows us to rehabilitate

the entire rehabilitation scheme.

This way, we give the Second Chance Initiative

a second chance.

Mm.

Music, sir?

Hit the sounds, Kimberley.

Hit the sounds.

PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

that I ever had