Original subtitles

[horn honks]

Oh. Oh, God.

I hope nobody heard that.

It's L.A. Even if anyone did, they'd just ignore it.

This is so fun.

I can't believe I'm making out in a car

in front of my dad's house.

It's like high school all over again.

Except less pregnant.

You know, it has been three weeks.

We could do something crazy, like go inside.

Oh, mm-mm. There's bad people inside.

-[knocking on window] -Ah!

Hey, nice car.

Oh, God. It's the bad people.

-Hey. -Hello, Father.

Out for your evening constitutional?

Giving your Uber driver a tip?

How do you think I keep my five-star passenger rating?

Kidding. Last time I did that, I lost a star.

Hi, I'm Andy, I am Riley's--

Friend. Friend with benefits.

But not all the benefits. Some benefits.

They're none of your business benefits.

You're 35 years old. You don't need to do this.

And you gotta come up with better excuses

why you've been going out.

Night banking, night church,

night dentist?

No, we went to night bank.

Well, it was the Coinstar over at the Albertsons.

Honestly, kind of a weird third date,

but I did get to go home

with 12 bucks and a coupon for baked beans.

I'm sorry about the driveway. I didn't plan to be here long.

At least your friend is up front about his commitment issues.

All right. Thanks for checking in.

Uh-huh.

Just ignore him.

I can't, he's like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.

[♪ rock theme playing]

[tires screeching]

Okay, yes!

I didn't tell you about my friend,

but I have a very good reason.

I didn't want you to know.

You or anyone else, but especially you.

You know why.

-I don't care. -[laughs sarcastically]

Oh! You're a real piece of work, Matt Parker.

Well, guess what? If you don't care, I don't care.

Oh, that's right, I did the old switcheroo.

But you know what? It doesn't even matter.

Because what happens between me and Andy

is none of your business.

-Who's Andy? -Oh, there you go

with the questions. So typical.

Oh. Another commercial.

Well, since you clearly want to know,

I met Andy at the coffee cart.

It's been a month, and we're in a bubble,

just the two of us. It has been amazing.

We actually have very good chemistry

that I wasn't expecting.

He hasn't told his daughter and I haven't told the kids,

and I definitely wasn't gonna tell you,

but you pried it out of me.

Are you talking to me?

Don't say a word.

-Hey, guys. -What are you guys talking about?

I have no idea.

Uh, we were just talking about the football game.

Grandpa thinks the blue team needs to run more,

and I think it's nobody's business.

Okay.

We were just coming down to get a snack.

Do we have any more gummy worms?

Yeah. Not-Not for me, though.

I think I might be getting a cavity.

You might need to take me

to that night dentist you've been seeing.

♪♪

Amy, we just redid this beautiful T-Bird

not even two years ago. Why would I do this again?

Because we love money.

I want it all pink and a convertible,

like Barbie taking Skipper on a joyride.

Girls trip, bitch!

I'm not gonna do that.

Look, you want a convertible? I'll make you a convertible.

I'm not going to turn this beautiful T-Bird

into a Pepto-Bismobile.

That's fine, a conversation for another day.

-Okay. -I had another idea.

-Okay. -How would you like to design a MorphoZoom?

I don't-- I don't know what a MorphoZoom is.

MorphoZooms are awesome. I had some as a kid.

They're like Transformers,

but affordable for kids with single moms

who spend all their money on cigarettes.

And they're just different enough from Transformers

that we can't be sued.

Man, my nephew loved those things.

I got him one last Christmas.

Ooh, I had to do some things I wasn't proud of.

Matt, your designs are incredible.

-Yeah. -Okay, draw me a toy.

Are you all right?

Come on. I design cars, not toys.

Despite what you've heard, this is not Santa's workshop.

Matt, why don't you design the car part and I do the toy?

You may not remember me. I am Matt's right-hand man.

-Gabe, G-unit. -Oh, hi.

You know, actually, Gabe could do both.

Build the car and the toy.

You know, you'd be in good hands.

Your approval means a lot.

But you know my favorite part of Parker Customs and Restorations?

Parker!

You.

Okay, okay, look, I could work with him.

We could do it together.

-Thanks, Matt. -Yeah.

Mama needs to put a down payment on her ticket to space.

I think it's a little late for that.

♪♪

[Gabe] Hey, boss.

Meet Drago-Vette, half dragon, half Corvette.

He drinks high-octane fuel and fire shoots out of his butt.

[imitates explosion]

Or should I say-- [imitates explosion]

I got inspired too.

I did the car, and also I did the robot.

-Oh. -Hey, Matt. Sorry to interrupt.

Andy, Riley's friend.

Driveway guy? '77 Trans Am?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, we're done. Right?

Yeah.

Got my eye on you. You want to know why?

Riley doesn't have any friends.

That's a good-looking Trans Am, man.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, I've been working on it for a few years.

I mean, obviously, I can't do what you do.

Ooh, sucking up, that always works.

Um, Trans Am was my old man's, actually.

He was a car guy.

Well, more of a Smokey and the Bandit guy.

Really just a mustache guy.

Well, it's a good thing he wasn't an Italian Job guy.

Any guy who dates my daughter and drives a Mini Cooper

will end up in the trunk of a real car.

I mean, what is an Italian Job anyway, right?

A nap for lunch, followed by a seven-hour dinner?

[laughing] Yeah.

Anyway, I'm just here to have lunch with Riley.

I just wanted to stop in and properly introduce myself.

I know last night was a little awkward.

-Oh, I appreciate that. -Yeah.

Oh, and since you like sucking up,

I do have for you some dry rub.

Now, I made this myself.

Think of it as a guy-to-guy mix-tape.

Cool. Well, thank you for that.

You know, last time I got a gift from one of her boyfriends,

it was a surprise grandchild.

But you know what? I'll try this. Thanks.

Oh, hey. What's happening?

Uh, why are you talking to my friend Andy?

-He gave me a gift. -Oh, a gift.

If you want to give me a gift, we should go.

Okay, sure. Yeah. You know what?

We should all get dinner sometime.

Or not.

Well, actually, I'm having some people over Sunday

for the NFC Championship game.

You're welcome to join. I'm grilling.

-That sounds great. I'm in. -What?

Sunday? Shouldn't we be resting as the Lord wanted us to?

-Gabe, who is that? -Says he's Riley's friend.

Nah. They're more than friends.

You see how hot he is?

I'm secure enough to admit when I see a beautiful man.

-He's not that good-looking. -You jealous?

'Cause you should be.

♪♪

Then the car morphs into a warrior robot.

The kids love it. We make a lot of money,

and I don't have to draw another robot.

Okay. Amazing.

-[Matt] Thank you. -Powerful.

-Gorgeous. -All right.

But where's the fun?!

Ah, you got meds in there somewhere?

I need something that's going to make a bunch of Karens

gouge each other's eyes out

to get the last one at Christmas.

We can make the robot look like Glen Powell.

Look, this is a fun experiment. But like my therapist said

about taking me on as a client, this was a mistake.

Wait, wait. We got another idea.

-Hey, Gabe. -Okay.

I'm doing what you taught me to do.

Fight for a good idea, unless it's Ramen for lunch.

I know that's never happening.

Behold.

Oh, no. No.

Drago-Vette.

Are you kidding me?

Well, it was the first thought he had.

-It's inspired. -[Matt] Yeah.

I mean, compelling, and it poops fire?

Hahtzee! [laughs]

I know what you're thinking, but it is not Yahtzee.

We actually use six dice.

Trust me, that's not what I was thinking.

Okay.

Carter, Georgia, let's go. You're gonna be late.

For what? You're making us go to the mall.

I thought you said we weren't buying anything new in January.

Yeah, well, I also said I wasn't drinking,

and I was gonna go to the gym, 'kay?

February is the new January.

Here, go to Claire's, buy the whole store.

Carter, let's go.

Sorry. It takes a minute to blow-dry this mane.

All right, let's go. But no rolling down the windows.

You'll ruin this 'do, all right?

Fine, but no farting.

I still can't believe you invited Andy over.

Didn't you even think about the consequences?

Like me having to wear outside clothes on a Sunday?

It's not my fault that my milkshake

brings all your boys to my yard.

I just wanted Andy to be my thing,

separate from the rest of my life.

This is not how I planned it.

My daughter brings her kids back to live with me

after my wife dies.

"Not how I planned it" is on the family crest.

He's just coming over to watch football.

What's the harm?

The harm? The harm?

The harm?

Damn it! I was hoping it would come to me if I kept saying "the harm."

[doorbell rings]

Oh.

-Hey, hey. -Hey.

Um, what, are you bringing my dad another gift?

No. He texted me asking me

to pick up some extra barbecue sauce.

He's texting you now? He doesn't even text me.

I am just trying to make a good impression on your dad, okay?

Well, I appreciate you want

to do the whole hang with the dad thing,

but spoiler alert, you die at the end.

I get it, no one's good enough for his little girl.

Oh, God. No.

He'd marry me off for two goats and a cheese wheel.

Okay, well, you're here.

We're doing this, but it's tricky.

If he offers you wine, say no. Real men only drink beer.

-So, yes to beer? -No, because you're driving.

-No to beer. -Except it's rude

to refuse a drink. Everything is a trap.

What is this, Squid Game ?

No, there's a survivor in Squid Game.

-Hey. -There he is.

Yeah, Riley, finally let me come inside.

Here's your sauce. That's not better.

You know what? I should have stayed in the car.

-Can I get you anything? -Water. Faucet.

Game, set, match.

Thanks for grabbing these.

I don't think I ever asked you, what do you do for a living?

-Lawyer. -Oh, what kind?

-Criminal law. -Defense?

-Prosecution. -Ooh.

This is going to be a good day.

♪♪

What do you think my dad and Andy are talking about?

How Andy gave him a dry rub

and got an invitation to a barbecue that took me 20 years to get.

What? Everything ain't about you, Riley.

My dad liking a guy I date makes me want to break up with him.

Which makes me think that's why my dad's doing it.

Maybe I should run away to Vegas and marry him

just to show my dad.

Wait.

Still talking about Riley.

-Steak? -Rare, please.

There you go. Perfect.

Dead silence. Hm.

-Hey, all right. -All right.

Hey, boss.

That's okay. Little advice.

Matt doesn't like it when you hover over him while he works.

I'm good. I'm good.

Oh, well, if you're good, I'm good.

So, Andy, how much do you bench?

-What? -I do it in kilos.

Number's bigger.

It's definitely the opposite.

Yeah. I got a platinum membership at CalFitness.

You need a weekend pass, I got you.

Cool.

Hey, could you watch these steaks just for a second?

Yeah.

Looks like you're driving

and I'm riding shotgun on this grill.

I was the first person in fifth grade to get my orange belt.

Okay.

It's not a competition,

but based on your response, I just won.

What are you up to? You're hanging out there with Andy,

talking cars, and then you hand him the tongs.

You never let anyone hold the tongs.

What kind of weird mind games are you playing?

I like your Uber driver.

Good job.

Good job? You are sick.

I'm just saying, he's a nice guy.

Don't screw it up.

Sick, sick, sick!

All right. Steaks are ready.

And I carried them in.

Listen, we're gonna work on his car.

He wants to bring it back to stock,

so we got some stuff to do.

You're gonna work on his car? This is too much.

This was supposed to be a bubble.

Then you had to come along with your big fat finger and pop!

His finger is the perfect size.

Are you winking at me?

You know, this is on you, too.

You had to be a great guy, give my dad a dry rub.

That's--

It's not how it sounds.

It's for his meat.

Damn it! I'm going to the mall.

Nobody wins if the steak get cold.

♪♪

[exhales]

Are you sure you want me to take the lead?

-Yeah. -Maybe I should just be the,

you know, the Ernie to your Bert,

the Garfunkel to your Simon, the Abbott to your Elementary.

Gabe, you got this. Okay?

-Genius alert! -Geez!

Ha, ha!

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. I had to get a vacuum

so I can pick up the pieces when you blow their minds.

Okay. Is there anything we should know

about these execs that we're pitching to?

Execs? No, it's a focus group.

[Matt] Okay, but--

Oh, no.

These are freaking kids.

There's no way we're getting out of here without a cold.

Hey. So, how was the mall?

God, I'm sorry.

I tried to explain, but my text turned into a letter,

which turned into a manifesto, which I reread and realized

boiling a bunny would be a lot less crazy.

I'm sure I've read stranger documents.

I was a public defender in Florida.

I once cross-examined a rooster.

I really am sorry.

It's just everything started moving so fast.

We went from secret makeout sessions

to Sunday barbecues with Dad.

I felt like a Mormon housewife,

but without the sex and soda addictions.

I get it. You weren't expecting to meet someone so great.

Well, the thing is, I got married at 18,

and this was supposed to be carefree and light.

Instead, my dad likes you.

And if that's not bad enough, I like you.

And I like you.

And look, it got weird for me, too.

Gabe started texting me videos of him bench pressing.

Why did you give him your number?

I didn't, I thought you did.

What if we just slow things down a bit?

So you'll stop seeing my dad?

I mean, I gave the guy a dry rub.

It's kind of hard to unring that bell.

But if that's what it takes to keep seeing you, yeah.

Well, it's gonna make him really mad.

Yes, I do want that.

Then you got it. And look, if it makes you feel any better,

he and I only got to dude second base:

talking about meat.

He tried to talk about NFL officiating,

and I pushed his hand away.

We're good?

Yeah, we're good.

[Stitch] Hey, Riley.

That's cute and everything,

but I'm still waitin' on my latte.

♪♪

In conclusion, who's the fastest,

baddest MorphoZoom on the freeway?

That's right, it's Drago-Vette.

Hold for applause.

Oh, no. Sorry, I wasn't supposed to read that.

But still holding.

Okay, kids, what do you think of Drago-Vette?

It's stupid. Dragons shoot fire

out of their mouths, not their butt.

It seems dangerous.

Who made you the Dragon Police?

My uncle was a supervising producer on Game of Thrones.

Who wants a cookie?

-Me, me! -Yay!

Chips Ahoy!

Legally, we're obligated to call them Chunks Away.

Okay. They're easily distracted,

so you got to focus on the positive stuff.

Okay. Okay, good.

So, uh, who here has something nice to say about Drago-Vette?

-It's boring. -You're boring.

-Your mom's boring. -Joke's on you.

My mom's an active alcoholic.

Listen, believe in your idea.

If they don't like it, they don't deserve it.

Okay. All right.

Now, I know that Drago-Vette is awesome.

I want you guys to tell me one thing that you like about it.

I like that this part is almost over.

[kids laughing]

[Matt] Hold on a second. Wait a minute.

This guy brought in a great idea,

and I'm proud of him for doing that.

-Thank you, Matt. -That's it. And also,

I want you to respect the work that he did to bring this in here.

[kids] Boo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, okay.

Have at it.

Uh-huh.

If you booger-eaters don't like it,

we're gonna find some booger-eaters that do.

So say goodbye to Drago-Vette

and your, uh, Chunks Away, you little [bleep].

♪♪

♪♪

Georgia, did you put up this sign?

"Be generous. God sees your tips."

Do you want to make money or not?

We don't guilt people into tipping.

That's what low-cut shirts are for.

Not you, Carter.

Hello, neighborhood barista.

I would order my usual,

but, alas, I've never been here before.

'Tis rather charming.

Well, wonderful. Uh, new customers

are always appreciated at the Klatch, good sir.

[clears throat] Actually, Carter, Georgia, this is Andy.

He's my, um--

Can I call you my boyfriend?

Whoa. This is all happening so fast.

Of course you can. Hi, I'm Andy.

Hi, Andy. We know who you are.

Mom, we knew you had a boyfriend.

You did?

You know we can see you guys make out in the doorbell camera?

We get it, Mom, you want to keep a new relationship to yourself.

I took forever to tell everyone about my girlfriend, Lily.

I'm talking a whole hour.

Oh, look who's here.

Just taking my kettlebells for a walk.

[grunts]

♪♪