Original subtitles

Oh, hey.

Sorry, I, uh, didn't see you there.

Well, Deadpool here, and, uh, today, uh, today's the greatest day of my life.

You know why? Because, uh, I get my very own porn parody.

That's right.

And not one of those cheap second -rate ones where they just throw a wig on for

the health. Oh, no.

No, sir.

For my triple -X debut.

I got the king of fucking parody, Mr. Axel Braun.

Hey, Ax!

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, man.

Anyway, this thing's going to be big.

Super amazing, big, huge.

Matter of fact, I didn't know if I wanted to shoot a real movie or a

Actually, I did the screen test for this major franchise the other day, and my

agent didn't really think it was a good idea because, you know.

Tide casting and all that.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Shit, God damn it. Wayne!

I told you to keep it together!

I'm sorry, James.

I just got a little overly excited, that's all.

You got overly fucking excited. What am I gonna do?

This is a mess!

How are we going to explain this to the studio?

Oh, my God.

Thank God.

What if I'm still alive?

What? What if I'm still alive?

Oop. Well, good luck with Idris fucking Elba.

You know the dude's not even British, right?

What? He is?

Anyway, I'm about to have a fuck ton of sex.

You know, to be honest, I didn't even look at the script.

Axel wanted to make it, you know, a little more natural.

Fuck it. We'll do it live.

Fuck you. You're backward.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Look at that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, look at that. That's so cute.

Yes. Look at that little puppy. Are you trying to grab my puppy?

Uh -oh.

Time's up, I guess.

Hey, I have to say, personally, I think the vitiligo thing is clever.

But Axel says the comic book fans would hate it, so... And that's why he brought

me.

Oh, what a way to get started.

Shall we?

Oh!

Fuck! What the fuck was that?

The fifth wall.

Seriously?

Look at that cute shirt on.

That's it.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Look at that pretty little...

Yeah, look what we're doing on that.

Yes,

yes, yes.

That's so good.

Yes. Fuck.

Oh, my God.

Shit.

Put my fucking thumb in your pussy.

Yes,

it's fucking hot. Oh my god.

Oh, shit.

Like that, you fucking cunt. Oh, fuck.

You fucking cunt. You fucking cunt.

Fuck.

Oh, shit, I'm gonna... Yes, I feel it.

Oh, fuck, I'm coming.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

Aww. Aww.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh,

my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, put two in there.

Mm, yeah, like that. Mm, yeah, just like that. Fuck.

Oh, my God.

Mm, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's it.

Yeah.

Yeah, lick that clutely finger the shit out of me. Make me fucking cum so

fucking hard. Yeah.

um um

And cut!

That was amazing, girls.

Wait.

What happened, man?

You tell me. I thought I was gonna have a three thumb, but then you put the

stupid fifth wall up. Now I'm just sitting here with my thumb in my hand.

Not literally, just because my costume's so fucking tight.

Look, man, we're not just shooting porn here, okay?

I need you to give me some passion, some emotion.

You know what I mean? You can't let a wall stop you from getting what you

I mean, what does it say about you?

You're kidding me.

T .P., I think I know what Axel's trying to say.

Maestro, if I may.

I think we need to go a different path.

To show Wade's true acting range.

Action!

Special delivery.

Extra sausage if you catch my drift.

Cut.

Mmm.

This pizza smells good.

Oh, wait.

That's you.

Cut.

This may be cheesy, but, uh...

You're coffee.

Cut.

If you don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.

Cut. Cut.

Cut.

Come on, Wade.

You're better than that, man.

Yes, you are. Yes, he is. Yes, you are. Yes, he is better. I get it. I just, you

know, I thought we were, you know, I mean... You just gotta find your

character's motivation, okay?

What? Where?

Anywhere. Here. Look at this box.

This is not just a box.

This is a tool. A tool for you to find yourself.

Right?

Here. Hold the box.

Feel the box.

Be the box.

See? Now you find that it's going to make the same work.

Right?

Right. All right, let's do it again.

Thank you, maestro.

What the fuck did he just say?

I don't know. Just smile and nod.

He wins all the awards.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, I'll talk to you for a second.

Wade Wilson.

Will Ryder.

How you doing, man?

Hey, Will. You got something?

You know, funny thing. Something came up. He had to go, but he gave me the

movie. I'm serious.

Prop, costumes, the whole enchilada.

What the hell?

Listen, you know, he did this one time to me before with Grease XXX.

Let me tell you, buddy, I won a shit ton of awards at that one.

Listen, don't worry.

Everything's going to be exactly the same. Nothing changed. Well...

There is one thing that's different.

Budget. A little bit smaller than it was before.

We're going from 11 production days down to two.

You're shitting me, right? You know, as a matter of fact, let's cancel today,

okay? Here's the address for tomorrow.

Okay, uh, where's the script?

There is no script.

We'll add one.

We'll do it live!

Fuck it!

This is absolutely ridiculous.

I'm going to have to call you back.

Wait. Relax.

Okay, buddy?

All right? It'll be great.

We'll talk to Axel, tell him you want more action, and he'll make it happen.

No, I just... I don't want to make him mad, you know?

Even though he's cute when he's upset.

Just relax, all right? Be spontaneous.

Remember what Han Solo said to Chewbacca.

Fly casual.

You know, I love a good Star Wars quote.

Mm -hmm.

Ever seen Axl's parody?

Yes. I think Seth Gamble won for best actor.

Ah.

No, I think Tommy Pistol won.

As per usual.

Anyway, it was epic.

The mainstream press even said it was better than the prequels.

I mean, but what is it?

Actually, I like the prequels.

I think they're great.

Hayden Christensen?

Great actor.

And that Jar Jar Binks?

Ha ha ha!

He's fucking hilarious.

He's all like... You're

welcome.

Can you believe it?

No, I really can't.

Right? I mean, I get it. In real life, the closest I'll get to getting laid

is... Caught up a chicken's ass and waiting.

But this is my porn parody. It shouldn't be that difficult.

No, it really shouldn't. Is that why you're here? Because alcohol drastically

improves your chances of scoring? No, dumbass.

I can't drink the math on. If I take it off, it drastically lowers my chances by

below zero.

Yeah, you look like a poor man's version of my last turd. Maybe like a monkey

turd? You know, before they scoop it up and throw it at you in the zoo?

Jeez.

Thanks, weasel.

But no, the reason I'm here is because when you have a shitty day, the best

thing to do...

You can talk to someone whose life sucks more than yours.

Speaking of sucking, you know that hot chick that was staring at you at the end

of the bar? She comes over here every third day and fucks some random dude in

the crapper.

What? I fucked her right here in the bar after closing.

I had her like a piece of schnitzel. You bummed her?

Yeah, she didn't even mind when I cried.

The name of the pool, huh? The dead pool.

Miss?

Hyde. Valerie Hyde.

Well,

I saw you staring over there. I just thought I'd let you know that my balls

be drowning in sweat, but I cost you my zippers.

Actually, I'm waiting for you to have them.

Oh, that's sweet.

Well, I'm always up for a cuckold.

Trust me, he's not.

Now, if you don't mind, go fuck yourself.

See? I can't even get laid by an infomaniac. No, no, no. Not that hot

That hot chick.

Hey, TP.

Hey, hi, bad girl.

I think it's about time you get here.

Oh, that's what it could look like.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, just like that.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me like this. I don't want to see that.

Look at me like this.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to fuck you all over. I'm going to try to fight you a

bit.

I regenerate.

Why would you like that eye? Why would you like that eye?

Why would you like that eye?

Why would you like that eye?

Why would you like that eye?

Why would you

like that

eye? You like that one too?

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh.

God.

Look at it.

Wow.

It's not that far.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, my God, I just can't wait to be deep inside those fucking walls.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Oh,

my God. Oh, my God.

oh

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

You ready to put me over? Oh my God.

Is that the Punisher?

Oh my God, I'm gonna cum.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Fuck! I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to do that.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Um... That's it?

I mean, you know, you saw that.

That was pathetic.

Yes. Yes, it was.

I mean, look at these two.

Fuck, I can't take this.

If I could die right now, I'd fucking kill myself.

Has the thought crossed your mind that they may be there for a reason?

Yeah, and the reason is to remind me how much my life sucks balls.

No, I'm thinking maybe they're a part of your parody and you're supposed to join

them. You know what?

You may have a point there.

I mean, why would Electra and Punisher just show the fuck up and make out?

And, uh...

That chick looks especially like the girl who played Wonder Woman in Justice

League Triple X.

All right, fuck it. I'm going in.

Maximum effort.

Hey, guys.

Guys, over here. Hey.

Hey.

Fuck off, creep.

Hey, listen, you self -righteous, humanless, fascist hard -ass.

I was just trying to help.

I guess that was a big mistake, but you don't got to be a total dick about it.

There is no consequences to your mistakes.

There is no reason not to make them.

All right, I'll punish her. That makes no fucking sense.

Look at that.

That's pretty badass for a porn chick.

I could do some pretty cool shit with my katanas as well, you know.

Katanas?

Can I see it?

You show me yours, I'll show you mine.

Sure. Alright.

Here you go.

Wow, yeah, I like that.

Good on you.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Thank you for dropping a big old Cleveland steamer in my Thursday

fucking asshole.

Is he going to watch us the whole time?

Let him do.

I don't know.

If he's going to watch, we should give him a good show.

I hope you can hear me.

It's good.

Oh, God.

Very good.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, God.

You like what you see, Mr.

Poole?

Like I want to be

watching this.

No hands and no dick.

Yes, yes, try that fucking cock in me.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Where are you going?

Oh, yucky.

Oh, my God.

Yeah,

fuck me while he watches.

Yeah, you better fucking keep watching, Deadpool.

You know you like it.

Yeah, you know you love it.

You jealous.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, tell me.

Mmm.

yeah you like that you headless freak

He's just a little mosquito.

Oh, yes.

Yes, stick it back in. Oh, fuck.

Yes, come on.

Mm -hmm.

Good.

So good.

He's better than he can.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Mm

Watch and learn.

Oh, my God. Watch and learn.

Exactly.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, it's right there.

Oh, fuck. I love you.

I love you because you're going from that cock to that cock. You're going

that cock?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.

Yeah, you want to make me fucking come over here?

Oh, my God.

Come on.

Right there.

Come on, give it to me.

Yes, you see.

Come on.

Use that cock.

Yes.

You look beautiful.

It might take me all night to regenerate.

But tomorrow, I'm going to... I

can't

tell if this is a six or a five.

Hello?

Hello? Anybody home?

Oh, yeah, this is definitely Friday.

There's been like a zillion porn movies shot here.

Oh yeah, it's that couch.

Who in

the

actual fuck are you?

I'm Nathan Summers.

They call me Cable.

I come from the future.

Wow.

You come from the future.

It's a great tagline there, buddy, but I'm here to get laid, and I don't think

we want to make this some kind of sausage party.

I don't think you understand.

What the? He's not so bright.

Wanda Wilson from 3010.

Nate, let me talk to him.

Leave it alone, Toots.

I got this.

Wait. You're the hot comic babe dressed like me that Logan keeps raving about.

I could have swore he was making all that up just to get in my pan.

Logan? Who's Logan?

You know.

Short Canadian guy with the collar.

Cheesy little costume.

Doesn't ring a bell.

We call him Wolverine.

Sometimes Captain Canada, if you can fucking believe that.

Or Weapon 10.

But spelled with an X, like the iPhone, which is the dumbest idea ever, by the

way. I think his real name is James Howlett or Pete Richards.

I'm not sure.

I just call him Bump Face.

Maybe I've heard of him.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Ha ha ha

Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh.

Yes.

Do it, do it, do it, do it.

You want to fucking give me that cum?

You want to fucking feed me that cum?

Yeah? You want to feed me that cum, make me get down on my knees and feed me

your cum?

Now? You want to give it to me?

Give me that fucking cum?

It's so very nice.

Fucking cum in my face.

She gave me the cock. You ready? You ready? So very nice. You ready for it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

I'd like to meet him, God.

Oh, very nice.

Yeah.

He just keeps going on and on about how he banged this chick that looked just

like me. He lied.

Chill out there, sugar boob.

What's the matter? Is she on her monthlies?

You... I have about one second to rephrase that.

Oh, and maybe compliment me on my new hair.

Whoa, okay, look.

This is my fucking porn parody.

And other than blowing a load early, I haven't seen any action.

So if you don't mind me asking, what exactly are you doing here?

Your hair smells like fresh -cut flowers and butt sex.

Hey, fuckface.

You are obviously not grasping the importance of the situation here.

The future of the planet is in peril.

And it's all because of your punk -ass porn parody.

Spencer says what?

Yeah. Your new parody caused a nuclear holocaust.

Fuck yeah!

As unbelievable as it sounds, Deadpool XXX becomes so popular, it blew every

server in the country.

The grid was down for weeks.

You know what that means?

No Insta.

No tube sites.

And more importantly, no POTUS tweets.

Trump lost his shit over it and decided to make porn illegal overnight.

Mass riots everywhere.

It's anarchy.

And then it happened.

Russia joined forces with North Korea and they attacked us.

We just weren't ready.

Well, kick me in the nads and call it howdy -do.

Is it wrong that I'm kind of proud of it?

Is it wrong that I want to push your brain to the back of your head with a

Oh, boy.

I think I'm in love.

Hey, focus, fucktard.

Now go over there, tell the director you quit.

Hey, go fuck yourself.

I haven't even gotten laid yet.

All right, then, sunshine.

Let's see what you're working with.

And we're going to go downtown to pound town.

I like where this is going.

You too.

Seriously? Come on.

Sorry, tampon boy.

At least one of us is going to get a knob today.

Hey, guys. Can I get a fluffer?

Fluffer?

What? This is it, right? My big scene?

And I don't even get a fluffer?

I'll be your fluffer. Come here, kid.

I hate to break it to you, but there's no such thing as fluffers. It's an urban

myth. It doesn't exist.

We got Viagra.

Seriously?

What is it, like a 70s thing?

Listen, it's like Santa Claus, man. They believe what they want to believe.

Fuck.

Look at these two.

I mean, I feel like the third wheel of my own form parody. How fucked is that?

An FYI.

I took a whole bag of Viagra this morning because I had a feeling I was

get laid.

But I don't think my body absorbs it.

And let's be honest.

I'm not the only one walking around with a bit of shit in my pants, am I?

Oh, Christ.

Bring on the fluffer.

and a little pocket change boy

the candles burn

What? What?

Yes, just like that.

Thank you.

And cut.

Oh, my God. This is great. This movie is fantastic.

Hey, Fluffer, why don't you go clean up a little bit, babe?

All right. You popped your cherry. Now tell him.

Tell me what?

Okay.

All right.

Come here, Will.

All right, so here's the thing.

They're giving me some BS about how this movie's gonna be bad for the future

and, uh, porn's gonna become illegal, yada, yada, yada. So, uh, sorry to say

this, but, uh, I think we're gonna have to pull out.

No pun intended.

Pull out? I mean, dude, the movie's done. We're complete.

Yeah, I know.

I just don't think I can let it come out.

Which, you know, sucks balls.

Yeah, it sucks balls. I mean, dude, you were magnificent.

For real?

Yeah, I haven't seen a performance like that since 93 when Jeff Stryker won for

best rim job.

Oh, huh.

Okay, well, anyways.

Till Axel.

I'm sorry I can't be in this movie, but, you know, you too.

Listen, I know you don't want to fuck with the future and all that, but...

Do you mind if I text Axel? I gotta make sure we're all still getting paid.

Yeah, of course.

Oh, no.

Holy shit, boss.

That's some amazing special effects.

Special effects, well, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I don't feel so good.

Did you get that?

Yeah, I got it.

It's a wrap, everybody!

Si no quieres dormir, entonces vamos a salir.

Si te quieres mover, tú sabes solo dar un ring.

Si tú tienes amigas, yo tengo amigos.

Si vienen contigo, vienen conmigo. Vivamos el futuro.

Vivamos el futuro.

Deja todo en el pasado.

Digamos el futuro.

If they come with you, they come with me. Let's live the future.

Let's live the future.

Look at the past.

Let's live the future.

Let's live the future and get there.

Tú sabes lo que quieras, te lo compro normal.

Vayamos a bailar un rato, vamos a gustar. Esta noche larga, déjate, voy a

pasear.

Vivamos el futuro.

Vea todo en el pasado.

Vivamos el futuro.

Vivamos el futuro.