Original subtitles

Four in the bloody morning.

Well, I couldn't sleep, so I thought I would see if you were down for a

session.

Also, it's Vers, you dumbass.

Vers is the name of the Imperial Army General who led the assault on Hoth in

Empire Strikes Back.

Yeah, well, whatever.

Fucking trick.

What did you say to me? Coffee, rock and roll, and I'll see you in the gym.

I'm not having weird dreams again.

You need to let the breath be your emotion.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

The warrior shows emotion.

It's very.

Danger. It's birth, goddammit! And if you wanted someone that shows no

you should have cast Brie Larson.

Shit.

I slipped.

Right. Due to me blasting you for not being able to pull off a decent American

accent. Alright, how about this for an American accent?

Hey, bro!

How about some flaccid? I learned this the other day.

Yeah, remember, you could lose your photons that power at any time.

Except it comes from that implant that I put in your neck.

And yeah, it does look a lot like the power inhibitor implant from Angels and

Shields, crossed with the shock controller from Thor Ragnarok.

I'm not going to get into that.

Yeah, let's not.

So, tell me about these dreams.

What did you see?

That's true. I don't know. It's like

a kind of porn, actually.

That's a girl.

Oh. Do you know what the supreme intelligence looks like?

Nobody knows what the supreme intelligence looks like. It's true,

this.

Our subconscious chooses how it appears to us.

It could resemble someone to admire.

What is that? Oh.

which would explain the sexual nature of these visions.

Tell me, do you see me in your dreams?

Oh, not at all, actually.

You've been staring at my tits, bouncing around all day.

Oh, you noticed?

But I never get to know what a real woman feels like. Oh, I do, do I? Yeah.

You want me to kick your ass?

You're very sure of yourself, aren't you, darling?

Your mouth is more useful there.

You're right about that.

Yes, just like that.

Yes.

Stick your tongue out further.

Yes.

What else did you think my pussy was glowing?

I need some of that.

That's what you need to have.

You are a dirty girl, aren't you?

Don't do it like that. Don't do it.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah.

You're not pissed I woke you up in the morning.

I think I got over it. Yeah.

I fucking will.

It's four o 'clock in the fucking morning.

You don't have to fucking mock me, don't you?

You don't want my cocking up, right?

I think it's dick -sucking o 'clock in the morning.

Yeah, I think you're fucking right.

Fuck yeah, I like

that. Nice try.

Fuck me.

Fuck yeah, suck those fucking balls. Jack my cock wave.

Mm -hmm.

There you go. There you go.

Yes, yes, yes.

How could one get to my pussy?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, monster, monster, monster.

Yes, do it more, do it more, do it more.

Yes, do it.

Is that what you really want?

Yes, do it.

You really feel my fingers on the other side, don't you?

Don't you?

Fuck you.

Let's do it again.

Oh, this is fucking long.

God, fuck you.

Fuck the couple, man.

I'm going to do what I want.

I'm going to do what I want.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Fuck. Have some bloody good fucking shit, Beth.

Fuck.

Oh, yes.

Come here, you little fucking ass. Yes.

Come here, Laura.

Oh, nice and slow. Just like that.

Oh my fucking god.

Yes.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh,

fuck.

Oh,

Virgie, take that cock like a fucking champion.

I'm gonna rub my pussy.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Here it comes.

Here it comes.

That was bloody marvelous.

I think I'm going to call you Miss Marvel.

Uh, I'd rather you not.

You know what, you're right.

I would be totally disrespectful to your rent.

How about Captain Marvel?

That does have a nice wing to it.

Yeah?

So you ready for tomorrow's mission?

Don't I look ready?

Yep.

You look ready, all right.

But you'll be on your own.

And we can't risk the squirrels capturing you and mind -fracking through

memories.

Like the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

True.

Although, Jim Carrey was actually good in that.

And, is it just me, or do the scrolls kind of look like the mask?

Smoking!

Alright,

no matter what happens, don't get caught. And if you do get caught, don't

them anything.

There's a lot of dirty little secrets hidden in that mind of yours.

I mean, I should know.

I put them there.

Copy that. No motion.

That's my girl.

I think what you meant to say was, yes, Captain.

Yes, Captain.

That's a good boy.

Now, let me go kick some Skrull ass.

Over and out.

Me getting caught.

These little green goblins could ever.

Sing, Amra.

Sing, Amra.

Oh,

my

God.

Thank you.

Cool.

I'm glad you stuck your friend's cock.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh,

you're going to look good. Yeah.

Oh, you think you're going to stick those girl cocks inside of me? Mm -hmm.

Oh, my God.

Yes, yes.

Looks like you haven't fucked in a while.

I don't get pussyed very often, do you up here?

Yes.

That looks so good, doesn't it?

Yes, right there.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm going to blame you.

Oh, fuck.

Thank you.

I love you.

I told you guys I'd show you some emotion.

Is that enough for you?

I'm going to show you both what it's like to come from a real woman.

Bring those movies.

Bring those movies.

I want you to give me all that.

Give me all of it.

Give me it.

Give me those fucking balls.

I want all of that.

Come on.

Give me it.

I showed you some fucking emotion. Now give me it.

Come on. Give me it.

All of it.

Every last drop.

Come on.

Nah, come on.

Alright guys,

well, thank you for the ride.

I'm gonna get the fuck out of here.

Night.

Oh, that's convenient.

Where's the Starforce Command V copy?

Viv?

Good lord.

Where are you? I have no idea.

The Skrulls captured me.

I ran away and stole one of their escape pods. I just... I can't find the

goddamn owner's manual.

Do you know how to pilot one of these things?

Uh, nope.

Sorry, Captain.

Are you sure?

Or are you retaliating because you're still butthurt? You didn't end up

Mar -Vell.

Absolute nonsense.

You know I'll be revealed as Mar -Vell in the sequel?

Yeah, no.

But they did get you to hit the gym by dangling that carrot in front of you. So

there's that.

You're fully mistaken.

And also, it looks like you're about to crash onto planet C -53.

Right.

That one's only 20 calories.

Please, motherfucker!

Do you understand me?

Is my universal translator working?

Yeah, I understand you.

Well, let's see if you understand me.

Put your motherfucking hands in the air!

Star Force Command, do you copy?

Let me guess.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Look,

I'm on this dumb planet, and there's a guy in here that looks like Samuel L.

Jackson from Pulp Fiction.

He's putting some sort of ancient -looking flash around me.

Beam me up, Scotty.

Sorry, Viz.

It seems like they took you from the epic space movie quadrant over to the

cop movie quadrant.

It's going to take at least one full act to get you there.

Please try staying one piece until we can fix the genre, okay?

In the meantime, why don't you go to Louisiana?

Try and find Maria Rambeau. Who?

I've been free, motherfucker!

Sorry,

what was that?

Who's this Rambeau girl, and is Stallone involved?

She's the black girl you see in your dreams.

You guys used to be best friends.

Maybe something a little bit more than that if you ask me.

Where do I find her?

The scrolls were looking for a coordinate to a house in your brain.

So I guess you already know where to go.

Fine.

I'll just do a quick cerebral search and get my new mismatched partner to

drive me there.

Got it.

Yo, buddy, what's your name again?

Fury.

Nicholas Joseph Fury.

All right, serious.

I'm going to need you to help me find my best friend.

Help you?

You just went galactic on my eye, space lady.

I don't even know your name.

Neither do I, actually.

They call me Verz, but I suspect there's more to that than meets the eye.

No pun intended.

I guess you could call me Captain Marvel.

Shit. You a captain?

Look, I've been having these really weird dreams lately.

I have this feeling half the universe is about to be wiped out.

Just like that.

I really need your help, Sirius.

We don't have much time.

It's viewer week.

And you're going to need some proper clothes.

Yeah, and you're going to need a haircut and an eye patch.

So you may have a spaceship, but I got me an Italian sports car.

Nice.

So, where are we going?

29 .9511 North.

90 .0715 West. Ah, coordinates.

Well, here is my GPS.

And here is your lunch.

Oh, shit.

I knew I left it somewhere.

Now this is one tasty burger.

Looks like this place called Norlin.

What? Nola?

Are you out of your motherfucking mind? That's 3 ,000 miles away from here.

Don't worry, Sirius.

I'll make the ride enjoyable for you.

You make me feel good.

Don't crash the car, Furious.

You're not mad at me for blasting your eye anymore, are you?

What eye?

Oh, God.

That's it, don't stop.

Just like that.

You

better

be watching the road, Ferris, with your one eye.

God, that's good.

Keep your hands on the wheels, Furious. Oh, God.

Oh, that's it, girl.

That's it. I'm close.

I'm close.

I'm close.

Your tongue feels so fucking good.

Oh, my God.

Watch the road, Furious. Oh, fuck, yeah.

Keep your hands in the wheelchair.

One more.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Paying attention with your one eye? Yeah.

Shit, girl, it's not my fault.

You blasted me.

Yeah, you really do need to be blasted, huh?

I'm about to blast.

Yeah?

Keep your hand on the... You

didn't land on this dumb planet to die on it.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

I think you made a mess there. Oh, God.

Keep driving. I'm trying.

Again?

Now that was exhausting.

You make me feel good.

Tell me about it.

I feel like Johnny.

But it was still worth it, right?

There she is.

Seems like all that blowing's finally jogged your memory.

Hmm?

I know what you're thinking.

Where's the record player in? Why didn't you play Come As You Are by Nirvana?

Well, my dear, that's because nobody gave a shit about vinyl in 1990, which

the year you allegedly left the earth.

And Come As You Are came out in 91, so there's no fucking way that could have

been in your brain.

Actually, I'm just wondering why I turned a different color in the third

Oh, that.

Well, the fans went ballistic when some set pictures of Brie Larkin wearing the

green costume leaked.

I mean, I'm not sure if it was the color or the fact that she had no act.

But trust me, we've done plenty of reshoots, and just pretend the red and

costume was the plan all along.

Uh, this is not the mainstream movie, and...

I'm not Brie Larson.

Okay. The green costume of a nightmare with all those greens.

Happy now?

Yeah. That makes more sense. But who the fuck are you?

I thought you were supposed to resemble somebody I admire.

Or... Desire?

Look. No offense, you're pretty and all, but I'm really into dick.

Really now?

Now we're talking.

Yes!

She may not have the same intelligence.

I don't know.

What the fuck, girl?

Sorry, I got lightheaded for a moment.

Are you alright?

I think so.

Is this the place?

Yeah, this is definitely the place.

Good. Because I could use me a nap and a bidet.

A what?

A bidet.

It's French.

For ass wash.

Hey, you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France?

Excuse me, ma 'am. I was wondering if we could ask you for...

Ah, motherfucker.

Jesus fucking Christ.

How many times are you guys going to come up here and bunk the shit out of

I don't want to discuss your holy word. I like to have transfusions all the

time. And y 'all can go to hell, which I'm sure you're told all day long.

And it's probably why you don't even think hell exists.

Whoa.

Take it easy.

We'll not have to hold the twinness as I promised.

I'm just an amnesiac Star Force captain who has some strangely erotic dreams

about this place.

Oh.

Okay, well, come on in.

Wow.

I think I actually remember taking this picture.

Oh, really?

Do you remember taking these?

Are you sure you're not Maria Rambeau?

Like I said before, sugar tits, Maria is my mama.

She did.

I am Monica.

Monica.

Shit.

I'm going to be left with all these unanswered questions.

Who am I?

Why is my Air Force call sign Avenger when in the comics it was Cheeseburger?

And... Aren't the Knights supposed to have some sort of Boston accent?

Listen,

there's some things that I haven't told you.

Oh, really?

You and everybody else?

Secrets?

Lies?

Ordnance?

Implanted in my head?

I'm so fucking tired of this stuff.

No, wait. No, you listen!

Do you know what it feels like to be rejected by your own kind because you're

different?

Feeling like you're not enough because you'll never measure up to whatever

idealized version of you they fabricated, being used, lied to, cheated

never knowing why?

Look at me.

I have no memory, no purpose, and no emotion.

I'm sorry, Monica.

I hope you never have to know what this feels like.

Are you... Are you crying?

Yes, I'm crying, goddammit! And now I'm screaming too!

How else am I supposed to get a fucking Best Actress nomination?

Right?

Anyways.

I was a lieutenant in the New Orleans Harbor Patrol.

And I was captain of their cargo ship.

There was an accident.

I was exposed to extra -dimensional energy.

As a result, I can convert my body into energy.

So, what are you saying? You're some type of superhero?

Damn right I am.

They call me Captain Marvel.

Uh, I think we're gonna have a problem here.

Hi, I'm Captain Marvel.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Yeah. No.

But hey, where is that the fuck out of you?

How about you change your name to something stupid that allows us to

Until they inevitably write you off.

I'm thinking something like... Photon?

I have a good one.

Pulsar?

Spectrum?

Yo, bitch!

I'm not changing shit!

Why don't you start calling yourself something cheesy like Warbird or Binary?

I've got a better idea.

How about we both suck the shit out of each other?

And the first one who comes has to change your name.

Are you sure you want to go there?

My tongue is why they call me Captain Marvel on the job.

It can work wonders on your clip, sister.

Well,

Shazam, let's see what you've got.

um um

You know, by the end of this, you're going to be calling me Captain Marvel.

yeah?

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, yeah Yes,

yes, like

that

Yes, please.

Yes, please.

That's so good.

Yeah.

Oh,

that's so good.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh,

that's good.

Yeah.

Yes. Yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

We can get some ass.

So you were standing here this whole time and you didn't join in?

You're dumber than you look.

All right, all right.

Photon it is.

Atta girl.

But ain't nobody gonna write me off.

I'm a strong black independent woman and I'm here to stay.

What the fuck?

Motherfucker.

Wait.

The snapper.

I've got to find a way to undo this.

Fuck it. It worked for Superman.

Show it again.

Oh, hey.

Oh, here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Look at that.

That's not a pussy.

Ah, here we go.

Typical kitty pussy joke.

I guess we're jumping the shark and doing the wood rocket thing now. It's a

flerken. A what?

What the shit?

Tried to warn you.

And who the fuck are you?

Carol Danvers, but...

I guess you can call me Captain Marvel.

Phoenix. Oh, jeez.

Red. You again?

Cool costume.

And you are?

My name is Jean Grey, but you can call me Phoenix.

I'm an Omega -level mutant, telekinetic and telepath, and a member of the X

-Men.

We've been trying to recruit this fucktard for a while.

You know, before he kills the Marvel Universe.

What happened?

Cat got your tongue?

She's speaking to me telepathically, you moron. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whatever. Look, if you think I'd rather become a crime -fighting shit -swiffer

who moves with a bunch of whiners than a bald, creepy guy who looks like Captain

Picard, you are seriously mistaken.

I'm here to shoot my very own poor parody man.

In your dreams, dumbass.

I mean, he's annoying, but all that spinning got me a little worked up.

And the redhead is pretty fucking hot. I heard that. Oh, shit.

No need to apologize.

If you help me recruit him, I'll give your ass a phoenix raptor.

Hmm. What's that?

And what about this guy?

Is he going to keep yapping the whole time if we do him?

Just tune them out. I can use some dick.

So can I.

You think you can crack at it?

What do you think about that DP when she strikes your cock?

You think that's my pussy?

Amen.

You should see how good she eats pussy too

Daphne. Oh.

She's over there.

What is that, like your fuck doll?

Hey, don't talk about Daphne that way.

We've spent a lot of time together.

Keep sucking it.

There you go, Captain Carol. Maybe I should give him the Phoenix Raptor in

ass. You should.

There you go.

You're better than that.

Apparently he's not aware of our powers.

I am very aware of these powers.

Ha ha ha ha!

Didn't even see that coming.

Super calm.

Oh, fuck yeah.

He's about to come early.

He can't have that.

You did?

He must be lonely.

Come here, cat.

Hmm.

You start yourself safety first.

I

wish

you'd sit on my feet.

He can call the shots if he makes me cum.

Hopefully he does.

Si, maestro, si.

Buonanotte.

DP, pussycat, you were magnificent.

Girl, I think you have great potential, but you need the right person, the right

guidance, the right hand to steer you towards stardom. Now, for a small

fee, I can be that hand, all right? You know, I remember back in the 60s, and I

was working with Brando, and I said, Marlon.

I could take you to the top. Oh, my fucking God.

I can't.

Damn him.

We worked with him on that. Then we worked with Liza Minnelli. Oh,

shit.

Nice.

All right, guys.

I think I'm finally at full power.

You know what that means?

It's unstoppable ass -kicker time.

You know, like we did at the end of Thor and Thor Ragnarok.

Anyways, I gotta go kill the snapper before he turns you all into dust.

See you in the sequel.

Captain Marvel out.

Bye!

Good idea for you to come and check out our school.

I have a feeling you're gonna like Rogue.

Well, Red.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

You're gonna pay for watching this one for the plot.

You're gonna pay for the jokes.

You will pretend you like the costumes and effects.

Let's just be real. I'm calling.

I know better, you've been losing this excuse

before.

Comics just won't get you off the...