Original subtitles

(motorbikes revving)

(crescendo of motorbike engines)

- (cuts to grand pop song) - ♪ Chariot... ♪

♪ Chariot... ♪

(singing in Italian)

(song continues on car stereo)

(motorbike revving)

(motorbike revs explosively)

(music swells)

(song stops abruptly)

(rain pouring)

(harmonica playing)

Barbershop quartet: ♪ Daaaa... ♪

Man: A one, two, three...

♪ Da, da, ba, da, da, ba, du-wa ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oooh... ♪

♪ If Santa passes by my stocking ♪

♪ I promise not to mind a lot ♪

♪ The only thing I want for Christmas ♪

♪ Is just to keep the things that I've got ♪

♪ Loving arms around me ♪

♪ A garden of forget-me-nots ♪ ♪ Forget-me-nots ♪

♪ The only thing I want for Christmas ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas ♪

♪ Is just to keep the things that I've... go-o-o-ot... ♪

♪ Things that I've go-o-o-ot ♪

(applause)

(Indistinct dialogue)

♪ Open your minds ♪

♪ Do or die I've gotta learn that auction cry ♪

♪ Gotta make my mark and be an auctioneer ♪

♪ 25 dollar bid and then a 30 dollar, 30 ♪

♪ Will ya gimme 30, make it a 30 bid, a 30 dollar ♪

♪ Will ya gimme 30, who will-a give me a 30 dollar bid? ♪

♪ Got a 30 dollar bid and then a 35 ♪

♪ Will ya gimme 35, to make it 35, will ya 35? ♪

♪ Will ya gimme 5, 35 dollar bid ♪

♪ 35 dollar bid and then a 40 dollar, 40 ♪

♪ 40, will ya gimme 40, make a 40 bid, for 40 dollar ♪

♪ Will ya gimme 40? ♪

♪ Who will gimme a 40 dollar bid? ♪

♪ 40, 40 dollar bid ♪

♪ Got a 40 dollar bid and then a 45 ♪

♪ Will ya gimme 45 to make it 45? ♪

♪ Will ya gimme 5? Sold that hog for a 45 dollar bid ♪

♪ Now, from the boy who went to school ♪

♪ There grew a man who played it cool ♪

- (people chattering happily) - (laughter)

(quiet background music)

You, er, you ever been on a motorbike?

Oh, er, nah.

Never been with a biker then?

Me? A biker? No.

(laughs)

Have you?

No, I haven't, no.

Not my cup of tea.

So, er...

does your mum set you up with lots of guys?

Er, no. Actually, you're the first.

Oh. (chuckles)

Lucky me.

(rowdy background chatter)

I need a piss.

Coming?

Joking.

(laughter)

Er, one more and then...

let's make a move.

Great.

Man: Wey!

- Oh, sorry. Sorry, lads. - Chop, chop.

(chatter, laughter)

Barwoman: Who's next?

Hi.

- Erm... - Man: What crisps do you have?

Barwoman: Ready salted. Salt and vinegar.

Prawn cocktail.

Man: We'll have one of each.

Barwoman: That's £4.80.

(coins clank loudly)

(background chatter and music continues)

(coins rattle)

(crisp packets rustle)

- (paper rustles) - (soft music)

- Ooh, yeah... - That's it, yeah, yeah.

Nice, okay. One more?

- Please. - (whistles)

(door shuts)

Hello?

Colin: Hiya.

(tape pulls)

(knocks the door)

Peggy: How was it, Col?

You had a nice time?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Nice chap, isn't he? - Mm-hmm.

Alright. Night, darling.

Stockings at eight, okay?

- (cheers) - (crackers explode)

You won!

Amazing, Mum!

♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪

(babbling)

♪ I want some figgy pudding I want some figgy pudding ♪

You alright, Bax?

Baxy, are you okay sweetheart?

You alright there, love? Yeah?

Look, are you having your dinner?

Here, give us your cracker.

Look, Nanny's done you a lovely dinner.

That's it, open that cracker, aww...

Here Dad, do the cracker with her.

- Come on. - Did you get some play dough?

- You wanna do it, yeah? - Oh, right. Here y'are...

What's his name?

Erm...

We didn't really, er...

- You don't know his name? - I...I didn't ask, Don.

I can wait nearby, if you want?

No, it's fine. It's okay.

Take the dog.

It's not clean. I...I don't wanna take the dog.

What normal person asks someone for a date

on Christmas Day?

Peggy: Well, maybe he's alone.

Pete: Yeah, maybe he's lonely.

Maybe I'll get my head bashed in or something.

Peggy: Nonsense. Ignore your brother.

It's an adventure.

Since when did Colin like adventures?

Well, I think a biker sounds exciting.

You can borrow your dad's leather jacket.

(piano playing)

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant so tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪

♪ Oh... peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

(piano crescendo)

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Erm...

(footsteps receding)

(awkward laugh)

Er...

(clears throat)

(sighs)

Oh, bugger!

Leave it.

Er... just... leave it?

Ooh...

Mm.

What am I gonna do with you?

Whatever you want...

really.

Hold up your hands.

Other way.

Oh.

Oh!

I know this one, actually.

So, er... ready?

Ugh! (laughs)

Oh, yeah.

Urgh.

(laughs)

Yeah. Wow, you're strong!

(cries in pain, laughs)

Uh...

- Do you give? - What... excuse...?

Do you give?

Ee... ee... argh, yes!

Yes!

Ugh!

(laughs nervously)

(gagging, coughing)

(coughs)

Sorry.

(coughs)

- Urgh. - Down.

Erm...

Down?

Lick.

Erm... er...

Uh...

(strains in pain)

(licks)

(spits)

Like that? Erm, oh...

Huh.

Huh.

Hu, hu, hu, huh. Mm...

(spits) Mm... uh...

(breathing heavily)

- (distant shouting) - (clattering, clanging)

Alright.

(gags)

- (gagging, choking) - (sighs)

(choking, gagging continues)

Ah.

- Go... - Urgh.

(groans repeatedly)

(sighs deeply)

(heavy breathing)

(gagging stops)

(zip pulls closed)

(laughs)

(footsteps approaching)

(zip opens)

Alright.

Yeah.

Ray.

Colin.

Oh...

(Colin clears throat)

So, if you, erm, don't mind a little walk,

I saw a pub on my way here

that's open till midnight.

I've gotta go.

Hey, girl.

Oh... oh, oh...

Yeah, of course.

Of course you do.

Erm...

(music plays distantly)

I'm...

I'm...

sorry I was a bit...

I was a bit hopeless earlier.

I guess like most things in life,

it just takes a bit of practice.

Yeah.

Maybe, erm...

I could practice with you?

Erm...

I'm not around much, so...

- Ah. - Yeah.

Alright then, Colin.

Colin: Merry Christmas.

Thank you!

(door closes)

(television playing in background)

(knocking on door)

Hello.

He lives!

Yeah, just about.

I told you that cold air would turn your throat inside out.

You have a nice time?

Mm.

Nice chap?

Mm. Yeah.

Mm. Did you get yourself a boyfriend?

Oh, no. Don't think so, Mum.

I...don't think he liked me that much.

Oh, of course he did.

Did you kiss?

I don't think that is any of your business. So...

Well, fair enough.

Mm.

Pete: Right.

One more chocolate?

Peggy: Mm.

(wrappings rustle)

(tyres squeal)

(thud echoes)

(sombre music)

(camera shutter clicks)

Wanker.

(shutter clicks)

Peggy: Have you got plans tonight?

Nothing.

Any news from that biker chap of yours?

(scoffs) He's not my biker, Mum.

(high-pitched yawn)

Anything I can do to help?

(people chattering)

10...9...8...

7...6...5...

4...3...2...1...

- Happy New Year! - (cheering and applause)

(people singing, cheering, chattering)

(noise dims)

(car alarm sounds repeatedly)

Woman: No, no, no!

I'm sorry, I'm just following orders, ma'am.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Hold on. Don't, ju...

Do you sleep well at night?

Sorry, do I...do I sleep well at night?

Yeah.

I...I'm just following orders, ma'am.

Following orders?

If you wanna appeal there's a...

Oh, I don't wanna appeal.

Come on, just take your fucking ticket off!

(phone buzzing)

Erm...

Hello?

- Yeah, I'm at work. - Excuse me?

Erm...

Excuse me, we're not done here.

Well, if I...if I leave early, yeah. If... if I leave now.

You're not going anywhere!

Alright, I'll text you the address.

Are you deaf?!

Er, yeah. Erm, I shouldn't be long, so, erm...

Fuck you, you fucking prick!

- Lovely. - Go on, fuck off.

Yeah, okay. Alright. See you in a bit.

Yeah.

- Peggy: Col... - Yeah?

What about these?

Yeah, he doesn't need a present, Mum.

Soap. Some nice soap.

Gosh.

- Peggy: Pete... - Erm...

Peggy: Pete, have you taken that nice soap?

- Pete: What? - Have you taken the nice soap?

(bike arriving)

Gosh, you're tall.

Er, sorry, Peggy.

Er, er, Peggy, Peter.

- Erm, nice to meet you. - Ray.

- How d'you do? - Erm, time for a quick drink?

Er, no thank you. Not when I'm riding.

No, of course not. Oh. What was I thinking?

Er, good lad, yeah. Well, well, something soft?

- We'd better get going. - Yeah.

You, er, you don't sound local, Ray. Where's home?

Chislehurst.

Well, it's very nice.

I've never thought of Colin a a Chislehurst sort of person.

Oh, he'll survive.

(Pete laughs)

Alright. Come on then, Colin.

Alright. Just...

Alright, yeah...

Oh, er, Ray, Ray, sorry to fuss but er,

you do have a spare helmet, yes?

Yes.

Only, he actually has to wear it.

Dad...

Because er, he... he... he's not getting on without one.

He is not getting on without one.

Great. (clears throat awkwardly)

Nice bike.

Plain black.

None of this neon crap

like you see everywhere nowadays, don't you?

- (clears throat) - Colin.

Yep, um...

yeah (grunts).

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Yeah. Don't worry, Dad.

I'm... I'm not worried.

I rode a bike when I met Colin's mum.

And then sold it when the twins come along.

- Bought a very expensive pram. - (chuckles)

But I don't suppose you two need to worry about that.

Not...

I mean, not yet anyway. (laughs awkwardly)

- (motorbike revs fiercely) - Oh! (laughs uproariously)

(clears throat)

Alright then, be good! Right?

- Peggy: Have fun! - Pete: Watch out for the ice!

(high speed revving)

(dramatic music)

(high tempo music fades in)

(barking)

Colin: I think this jacket might be a bit crap.

(lock clicks)

But er...

Hey... hey, girl.

- Hey. - Oh, hello, Rosie.

You remember me?

Thank you.

Shut the door.

One second.

It's a lovely flat.

(chuckles)

Oh...

I didn't think you'd have a piano.

- No? - No.

Don't seem like the sort.

So, what "sort" do I seem like?

Oh, well, no, no. I meant it as a compliment, you know.

Why don't I show you where everything is,

and then you can make dinner.

Dinner?

Dinner.

I...erm...

I should say that I'm a bit of a lousy cook.

But erm, you know, I can give it a go.

Have you lived here long then, Ray?

- (bang) - Pots and pans down there.

And er, yeah...

Something quick tonight.

Pasta.

Go easy on the cheese.

(television playing)

Here we go.

Are we eating here or...?

Yeah, here's good.

(television continues playing)

Right...

(Colin sighs)

Come...

(dog panting)

Down, down.

- It's not for you. - (laughs)

Good girl.

(Ray chuckles, mutters)

(television weather forecast playing)

(dog licking, cutlery scraping)

Right, come on.

Time for bed.

(zip opens)

You a snorer?

Sorry?

Do you snore?

Oh, no. No, no, not that I know of.

(water pouring)

- How's your bladder? - My...

my... my bladder?

Are you gonna wake me up running to the bathroom

in the middle of the night?

Erm... oh, I see. No. No.

I think my, erm...

bladder's pretty good, actually.

Well, if you're quiet, you can sleep on the rug.

The rug?

If not, you should go in the hallway.

(exhales)

(slow dramatic music)

(alarm beeps)

(spraying)

(sponge squeaking)

(grinding)

Sorry if this is not to your liking.

I'm no barista.

(news playing in background)

Do I pass then?

What do I...get if I pass?

(cutlery scrapes)

(high tempo music)

♪ Children, behave ♪

♪ That's what they say when we're together ♪

- ♪ And watch how you play ♪ - Ugh...

♪ They don't understand and so ♪

(groaning)

♪ We're running just as fast as we can ♪

Uh... yes, you can do it!

(grunts)

- Do you give? - No!

- Agh! - Give!

No! Agh!

(struggling)

(muffled groans)

♪ I think we're alone now ♪

♪ There doesn't seem to be anyone around ♪

Argh!

♪ I think we're alone now ♪

♪ The beating of our hearts is the only sound ♪

Uh... Argh! Argh!

Argh! Yargh...

AARRRGGGHHH!

♪ Running just as fast as we can ♪

AARRRGGGHHH!

♪ Holding onto one another's hands ♪

- Give?! - I give! I give!

- Come on! - I give!

Uh...(breathless)

Don't move.

On your front.

(squelching)

(zip opens)

(Ray grunts)

(exhales deeply)

- (grunts) - (groans in pain)

(exhales heavily)

(grunting, groaning)

(grunting, groaning continues)

(breathes heavily)

(grunting and breathing intensifies)

Gah...

(Colin whimpering)

(Colin distressed breathing)

Argh...

(in pain) Uh-uh...

(panting)

(laughs nervously)

I'm sorry about that.

I didn't think it was gonna hurt so much.

Erm...

shall I finish you off?

Nah, I'm good.

Oh...

Thanks for having me.

I had a lovely time.

Here we are.

Alright then, I'll be off.

Don't come back before six.

If you do, you'll have to wait outside.

Erm... er...

What, six today?

Oh, sorry, are you busy tonight?

Is there a booming market for Colin Smiths

that I'm not aware of?

Well, no, but it's just...

What?

Yeah. Erm...

see you at six.

I need you to pick up some things.

Here.

I'll text you a shopping list.

Yeah, okay. Yep.

You can keep these.

I don't eat chocolate.

Well, no.

Of course you don't. I mean...

And buy yourself a butt plug.

You're too tight.

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah. Erm...

Lovely, that sounds like a plan.

Bye, then.

Erm...

(door locks)

(high tempo music)

(door closes)

(people chattering)

(music intensifies)

(laughs)

- That's him? - Yeah.

That's your boyfriend?

Well, no, he's not my boyfriend.

We, er, we have an arrangement.

How'd you get a man like that?

Well, he says that I have an aptitude for devotion.

See you tomorrow!

♪ It's a bad ♪

♪ It's a bad feeling ♪

♪ Bad feeling ♪

♪ It's a bad ♪

♪ It's a bad feeling ♪

♪ Bad feeling ♪

Try these on.

Try what on?

- (music stops abruptly) - (scraping)

Uh...

- Ray? - ♪ It's a bad ♪

♪ It's a bad feeling ♪

♪ Bad feeling ♪

- ♪ It's a bad ♪ - (laughter)

♪ It's a bad feeling ♪

♪ Bad feeling ♪

It's, er...

Ahh...

Do you like it?

(chattering)

♪ It's a bad, bad, bad feeling ♪

♪ Turn me off again ♪

♪ It's a bad, bad, bad... ♪

(motorbike rumbling)

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Colin ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - (phone vibrates)

Er, sorry.

It's Ray. Hello?

Yeah, sure. No problem.

Er, yeah, sorry. One second.

Ready.

Yep.

Alright, I'll see you in about an hour then.

Sorry about that.

Oh, yeah.

(blows)

- Peggy: Yay. - Ay.

(awkward laughter)

Everything okay?

Mm-hmm.

So, erm...

when are we gonna get to meet this Ray of yours, then?

You have, haven't you?

But for half a second in the dark three months ago.

(laughs)

Your mum used to parade me around town like a prize cow.

Mm. We're not that embarrassing, are we?

- No, no, you're not. - Right.

Well, let's get a date in the diary.

Sooner rather than later.

Oh...

Having something nice for dinner?

Yeah, potato dauphinoise.

- Ooh, fancy. - (laughs)

Is Ray a good cook, then?

Oh no, I'm cooking. Ray... Ray doesn't cook.

Oh... oh...

Right, so he's making you buy

and cook your own birthday dinner?

Yeah. I mean, I...I don't mind.

So, it's f...

Yeah, but it's your birthday, Colin.

You should be spoilt rotten.

If Ray can't cook,

he could at least take you out somewhere nice.

Some...

(birds singing distantly)

(inhales deeply)

(Gymnopédie No.1 by Erik Satie playing on piano)

(cutlery scraping)

Do you wanna say something?

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, actually there is... there is something.

Erm, I was, er...

wondering if maybe you might wanna come have dinner

with my parents some time?

Er...

Er, dinner with your parents?

Yeah.

And you'd like that?

Yeah. Nah, I mean, you know, they would.

(laughs nervously)

Er...

Yeah, I don't think that's a very good idea.

(resumes playing piano)

Colin: Okay.

(humming)

- Nope. - Sorry.

Could you, er, maybe be persuaded?

You know, could it, could it be, like, erm...

a birthday present, maybe?

I hope you're not expecting a birthday present, Colin.

No, no, I'm not. It's, it's just... Mum,

she wants to meet you properly.

And erm...

well, she's quite ill, you know, she's...

she's dying, actually.

But I don't wanna force you to...

- No? - No.

Okay, well, it sounds like

that is exactly what you're trying to do here.

- No, I'm not. - You are. You are.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

(scoffs)

Oh, you couldn't upset me if you tried.

(resumes playing piano)

You seem pretty upset, so...

(stops playing piano)

So... what?

Hm?

(inhales deeply)

(resumes playing piano)

(lightly snoring)

(dog barking distantly)

(alarm beeping continuously)

(motorbike approaching)

- (cheering) - (engines revving shrilly)

No way!

(man shouting)

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

Ray: Light the candle, birthday boy!

(men shouting, engines revving)

(motorbikes revving furiously)

(ethereal, romantic music)

(engine noise fades)

(motif from Gymnopédie No.1 returns)

(motorbikes rumbling)

First one in buys a round of drinks!

(laughter)

- Ooh! - Ooh!

- Fuckin' hell... - Fuck me!

Argh! Fuck!

(men whooping and hollering)

Now, bring him up. Get that net under him.

Go on...

Hey!

- Hey, hey, hey! - Go on, Colin, what you got?

(laughter)

Ray: Grab his arm... come on!

Keep your... push him!

- I'm trying, Ray. - (splosh)

(laughter and high jinks)

Sorry. I'm sorry. I...

Steve!

Can I borrow Kevin?

You can have Colin.

Steve: Fine!

Man: Oh, dear, Colin, you've been subbed out, mate.

- Come on, Kevin! - Here he comes...

Ray: Oh yeah!

Champion.

Man: Go on, Kevin!

Kevin: Alright, bitches. Come on.

Let's do it. Woo!

Ray: Stop pouting, Colin!

Come on! Yeah! Come on!

- Come on! Pull him... - Yargh!

Pull him. Oh, yes!

- Oh, yes! Yes! Nice one! - Woo!

Yeah!

Kevin: Woo!

Ray: Who's next?

(splashing)

(sighs)

Oh, yeah.

Right, need time out. Time out, time out, time out...

Oh!

So, how's it going with you and Ray?

It's erm...

it's going good. Yeah, it, it's great.

- Mm? - Mm.

You guys look really good together.

- Thank you. - No, I mean it.

He really is impossibly handsome.

You sort of...

bring his qualities into relief.

Do you two never kiss?

No.

- Don't you miss it? - No.

I couldn't put up with no kissing.

It would drive me nuts.

(taps on table)

(fly buzzing)

(soulful guitar music)

(motorbike revving)

(barking like a dog)

Nice bike, mate!

Come on, then.

- (motorbike slows to idling) - (music fades)

(men chattering)

(barking)

Agh...

(background laughter)

(moaning)

(chuckles)

(moaning continues)

(zip opens slowly)

(muffled moaning)

(birds cawing and chirping)

(heavy breathing)

(moaning and heavy breathing)

On your back.

(Colin moans)

(moaning and heavy breathing)

- (moaning and heavy breathing) - (soft music)

(breathing gets heavier)

(groaning)

(Colin cries out)

Happy birthday, Colin.

(soft music swells)

(whooping, cheering)

I hope you're not keeping your hair like that

to make me feel better, because it doesn't.

Your hair was your best feature.

Well, Ray likes it like this.

Mm, right. So, er, is Ray a hairdresser?

I don't know.

I told you, he's discreet.

Yeah. But what does that actually mean?

It just means, Mum, don't ask personal questions.

Right, that's enough. Come on.

Cheers, everyone. Thanks for coming, boys.

- Cheers. - All: Cheers.

Mm, tuck in.

Oh, um...

Pete: Mm.

British summer we're having.

Remember South Africa?

- Mm. - Our honeymoon.

Mm. Amazing place, though.

Have you... do you mi... am I allow...

Can I ask, have you ever been?

No.

Oh.

Amazing place.

Yeah, my er, my doctor's advised me

to wear these socks.

You know, he says they'll make a real difference.

I mean, have you tried them?

- Compression socks? - Yeah.

- Erm, er, no. - They...

hold you apparently and stop you... anyway,

Do you... do you fly a lot, Ray?

Not really.

Mm, this gravy is incredible.

Best gravy in Bromley.

What's your secret?

If you don't mind...

Er, oh, no.

Erm, well, I erm...

I er, put the chicken on a rack

so that all of the juices...

Sorry.

Erm...

I, erm, put the chicken on a rack and erm...

let the juices from the chicken go onto the veg.

And then once the chicken's done, I remove it,

and then into those veg with all the chicken juices,

I add a little bit of flour and a dash of hot sauce.

Oh, hot sauce, huh?

Yeah.

Colin makes a good gravy.

Mm...

Colin makes a pretty good omelette, but that's about it.

(laughter)

What's up with you?

What's... up with me?

- Yeah, what's up with you? - Mum, let's...

let's talk about something else.

Yeah, I agree. I think we can...

- we can talk about... - What... no, no, no, no, no.

- Can't we change the... - 'Cause, you know, Ray,

'cause I'm not one to judge.

I'm just interested.

What's your secret?

Have... have you got another life?

Have you got... have you got a husband somewhere?

- Pete: Peggy... - Or a... a wife?

Is, is that what discreet actually means?

Does it just mean that you've got two wives and ten kids?

You... you don't have to say. Alright?

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure I like the way you talk to my son.

Well, that is fine.

It's not for you to like.

Excuse me?

I can see that I make you uncomfortable.

That... our relationship makes you uncomfortable.

But... deciding that what makes you uncomfortable

is bad for your son...

Honestly, that's a pretty backwards way of thinking.

I beg your pardon?

I'm just saying you sound a little ignorant.

Well, you sound like a cunt.

- Mum! - No, I'm sorry, Col.

I'd like to know, before I die,

I'd like to know if my son is going out with a nutjob.

Is that too much to ask?

Let's talk about something else.

Colin, you don't know who he is.

You don't know what he does.

You don't know if he's a hairdresser

or a serial killer.

He could be on the run!

(laughs) Well, he's too good looking to be on the run.

He... he'd turn too many heads.

He wouldn't get away with it.

Well... he... he is very good looking.

He's a creep!

Our son is going out with a good-looking creep,

and you, you're encouraging him.

Now then, stop it, you don't...

(paper napkin scrunches)

(footsteps receding)

(poignant music)

Well... you...

Colin...

Colin come on, don't... don't be like that. Colin!

Colin: Roses are red, violets are blue.

Each day at your heel, brings me closer to you.

(soft background chatter)

Your hand on the throttle, your leathers so tight.

I crave your command from morning to night.

Your grip is a promise, your gaze a hot flame.

Next to you I am nothing, but I'm yours all the same.

Oh, yes.

Open wide, baby.

Aah!

(laughter)

The pleasure you give, the pain that you bring.

I'll take it all, Ray, for you are my king.

(traffic whooshing)

(music crescendoes)

(music stops suddenly)

(man clears throat)

In the village of Great Dunmow,

there's a side of bacon

given every year to the couple

who haven't had a single quarrel.

Well, me and Peggy could've won that bacon every year.

We had every possible qualification.

Apart from not living in Great Dunmow.

(quiet laughter)

Erm...

As we gather, er, today,

to say goodbye to Peggy,

let's not... let's not focus on the sadness,

let's, erm...

let's celebrate a... a lovely life.

(chuckles sadly)

(sniffs)

Sorry.

(organ music playing)

(motorbike rumbles distantly)

So, er...

how was it?

It was good.

It was a good turnout.

Oh, nice.

(motorbike rumbles past)

(birds chirping)

(television playing in background)

(pot clangs)

(breathes heavily)

(winces)

(flesh sizzles)

YAAAARRRGGGHHH! ARGH! FUCK!

Ray: Colin?

(sobs)

- Lemme see your hands. - It's fine.

- Lemme see. - It's fine. (sobbing)

Okay, we need to...

(water running)

get some cold water on them, okay.

It's gonna sting a little.

Yargh! Ah!

Fuck!

Argh.

(sobbing)

Try and hold your hands under the water.

Thank you.

Mm.

Hey, erm, do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

(laughter)

Are you gonna eat or do you want me to keep going?

'Cause I've got plenty of pizza jokes here.

- I'm gonna start eating. - I can go all night, baby.

Sleep in the bed.

It's fine, I'm feeling much better now.

It wasn't a question.

You know I love you, right?

Yeah.

But what...

That's not what this is, Colin.

That's not the point.

Isn't...

love the whole point?

Of what?

Everything.

(peaceful breathing)

(melancholic music)

(alarm beeping)

(dog panting)

(spraying)

(quiet chatter)

(phone buzzes)

Erm...

Could I ask you something?

- Mm-hmm. - Err... it's I...

I've been thinking...

and er... you really, look,

you don't have to say yes, I know it was a...

it was a sort of one-off thing.

But, erm...

I was wondering if maybe I could...

sleep in your bed a bit more often?

Not, not all the time, obviously. Erm...

but maybe...

once a week?

In fact, maybe, erm...

once a week we could sort of have a, er...

a day off?

Hmm?

You know, a day where we...

wake up in bed together,

eat breakfast at the table.

Erm...

I don't know, (laughs)

play a duet on the piano, that sort of thing.

Not every day, I really...

oh, I wouldn't want that. But...

once a week... it could be nice.

It could be fun.

For both of us.

No.

No?

No.

Fair enough.

- How about once a month, then? - No.

No?

Have a think.

- Excuse me? - Just have a think about it.

- Colin, if you're not happy... - No, I am happy.

Ray, I'm, I'm really happy.

I could just maybe be a bit happier, that's all.

Time for bed.

I'm gonna stay up, finish this chapter.

(footsteps receding rapidly)

(door creaks)

(Ray groans softly)

(bed creaks)

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Out.

(clicks fingers)

(inhales deeply)

(loud flap)

(slaps thighs)

Oh...

Fuck!

Take off my t-shirt.

Stop scowling.

Take it off.

Raymond...

you look very small-mouthed and old.

What did you say?

I think you may have heard me. Raymond, please...

- Huh? - Raymond...

No...

Ugh... GET OUT!

(Colin laughs)

- GO! - Uh!

(door slams)

Ray! Raymond!

- (banging on door) - Argh, argh!

Argh!

Fancy a wrestle?

Huh?

Fancy a wrestle?

- Ugh! Ugh! - (banging on door)

- Do you give? - Urgh!

Do you?

- Urgh. - (bangs on door)

(angry breathing)

(clattering)

- (bashing keys on piano) - Daaa-daaa-daaa...

(Colin continues chaotic noise)

(dog barking)

(dog continues barking)

(bike engine revs)

Colin!

- Hey! - (tyres squeal)

(engine revs sporadically)

(dramatic music)

(motorbike engine roaring)

- Hurgh! - (engine revs)

- (car horn) - Wanker!

(engine revs hard)

- (music fades) - (engine idles)

(birds chirping)

Come on.

(clattering)

Have a seat.

Erm...

What, what's this?

Breakfast.

(cutlery scraping, clanging)

I don't understand.

I thought we could try a day off.

Mm...

So, erm...

what would you like to do?

What, today?

Erm...

What do you wanna do?

(laughs softly) No, no, no.

You decide. It's your day off.

Erm... well, it, er...

Yeah... it looks like a nice enough day.

We could...

we could go for a bike somewhere... maybe?

No biking today.

(cutlery scraping)

But I'll pay for this later?

No.

(slurps)

Oh...

(busy street chatter)

- (car hoots) - Um...

Do you like, er...

Thai food?

Er, sure, yeah.

'Cause there's, erm,

apparently there's quite a nice... place... nearby.

Okay.

Well, this was fun.

What do you wanna do next?

I...dunno.

I'm sorry about the weather, really...

Sing something for me.

- What, here? - Or, actually...

teach me how to sing.

(scoffs)

Are you serious?

I'm very serious.

Okay.

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da... ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da... ♪

Are you laughing?

No, it's good! You're very good!

You think you're better than me?

- I didn't say that. - Is that what it is?

Wow. Wow, that hurt.

Er, you know what?

- What are you doing? - Wait.

- Ladies, pardon me. - Woman: Oh.

Er... come on.

(sighs)

Go ahead.

Erm (laughs)...sorry.

(clears throat) Sorry.

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da... ♪

- Oh, it's lovely. - Yeah.

(laughs shyly)

(clears throat)

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da... ♪

Ye-ye-yes, yes.

You liked both, I can tell.

Which one do you prefer?

Oh, well, him.

- Him? - Yeah.

Ray: Are you serious?

Unbelievable!

I'm sorry about him.

(laughs) He's, er...

You've paid off these two fine ladies?

I've never met these ladies, Ray.

Wow.

- (Colin, ladies laugh) - Alright.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

You're cocky now, huh?

(adverts play in background)

(noisy munching)

Oh...

(jaunty music from advert)

(doors bang loudly)

- Excuse me! - Usher: Oi, dickheads!

Are you gonna clean those seats?

Mind the popcorn!

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop! Pa-pa!

(ethereal, romantic music)

- Gah! - Ja!

I can't!

- Ray: Not gonna make it! - Colin: Ooh!

- Oh... - Go on without me...

Go! I'm done.

Come on!

Come on!

- Oh! - Up you get.

- No, I'm done. - No, you're not. Come on, uh!

- Leave me! - Come on!

Leave me! Ugh!

(brawling, grunting)

Ah...

Argh, argh!

(brawling, grunting continues)

- Yes, yes! Ahhh! - Ah.

(laughing)

(both breathing heavily)

(leaves rustling gently)

(dramatic piano music)

(outgoing call ringing)

(ringing continues, unanswered)

(indicator ticking)

(tense music fades in)

(footsteps approaching)

(knocking on door)

(doorbell buzzes)

(doorbell buzzes again)

(muffled) Colin: Ray!

Are, are you in there? Ray...

(radio weather report in background)

(car door opens)

(car door closes)

Still nothing?

(Colin sighs)

(dramatic piano music resumes)

- (men chattering) - (outgoing call ringing)

Alright, guys.

How you doing, yeah?

(people chattering indistinctly)

(ringing continues)

(indistinct chatter)

He can't just have disappeared off the Earth.

Ray does his own thing.

You know what, it's fine.

- Forget it, forget it. - Colin!

(ringing continues)

- (car door opens) - (beep)

(slurping ice lollies)

Let's knock it on the head for today, shall we?

Yeah.

(inhales deeply)

We can look somewhere else next weekend. Okay?

Or not.

Up to you.

(seatbelt clicks)

- (car engine starts) - (melancholic music)

(music swells)

- (sighs) - (music fades)

(pub chatter)

(music playing in background)

About me...

(vocal warm-up singing)

Colin: I've been told I have an aptitude for devotion.

I'm obedient, hard-working,

and excellent at following instructions.

I'm low maintenance,

have a high pain threshold,

and rarely fail to please.

But I'm also very modest,

so this is the only time that

you'll hear me sing my own praises.

Unless you ask.

I won't cut my hair for no-one.

And I do require one day off a week.

That's not up for debate.

The rest of the time,

your wish is my command.

(men start singing)

(whistles)

Nice.

♪ When your world is turned around ♪

♪ Why not smile? ♪

♪ Don't wear a frown, smile ♪

♪ Though your heart is aching ♪

♪ Smile ♪

♪ Even though it's breaking ♪

♪ When there are clouds in the sky ♪

♪ you'll get by if you smile ♪

♪ through your fear and sorrow ♪

♪ Smile and maybe tomorrow ♪

♪ You'll... you'll see the sun ♪

♪ Come shining through ♪

- ♪ For you-u-u ♪ - (football fans shouting)

What you playing at mate, make some space!

(barbershop quartet continues humming)

Darren?

It's Colin.

You're early.

Yeah, sorry.

♪ Light up your face with gladness ♪

♪ Hide every trace of sadness ♪

♪ Although a tear ♪

♪ May be ever so near... ♪

♪ That's the time you must keep on trying ♪

♪ Smile, what's the use of crying? ♪

(chuckles)

♪ You'll... you'll find that life is still worthwhile ♪

♪ If you just smile ♪

♪ You must keep on trying ♪

♪ Smile What's the use of... crying? ♪

- ♪ You'll find that life... ♪ - Can you cook?

Yeah. Yeah, I can cook.

What do you fancy?

♪ A smile is still worthwhile ♪

Surprise me. No gluten.

Can't be dealing with any gluten.

- No gluten? - Yeah.

♪ Smile... ♪

♪ There's a road I know I must go ♪

♪ Even though I tell myself ♪

♪ That road is closed ♪

♪ Listen, lonely seabird ♪

♪ You've been away from land too long ♪

♪ Aw, too long ♪

♪ I don't listen to the news no more ♪

♪ Like an unwound clock, you just don't seem to care ♪

♪ This world isn't big enough ♪

♪ To keep me away from you ♪

♪ Aw, from you ♪

♪ Seabird, seabird ♪

♪ Fly home... ♪