Original subtitles

And one more.

Welcome to Sexy Urban Legends, the show dedicated to those steamy stories

everybody's heard. And everyone swears are true.

I'm Mick. And I'm Tony.

Hey, you ever watch anyone having sex?

TV count?

You don't get out much, do you, porno boy? So what are you saying?

I'm talking about voyeurism.

Catching someone in the act and liking it.

Our first Sexy Urban Legend is a marvel of naked nookie called The Nude

Housewife. You see, Susan and Neil are your typical bedroom suburbanites.

Stale and steady.

With a love life to match.

They have sex religiously every day. You know, your basic missionary couple.

Neil's as rock steady as they come.

And Susan likes it that way. Her idea of vice is lifting her legs in the air as

he gives her a good rogering.

Dude, that's weak.

True. But these two love each other. And what their romping lacks in energy, it

makes up for in consistency.

Neil's not exactly ramming her head into the walls.

But the loving's kind of sweet. And it gets better when Susan climbs on top and

does the driving.

here isn't whether the pumping's good.

It is. But what Neil's really been looking forward to is a solid cock

Unfortunately, Susan sucks.

And not in a good way.

She's giving it the old college try.

But this girl must have skipped a few classes.

Neil's not exactly about to graduate magna cum loudly.

In fact, the way she's blowing, he'll be lucky to finish it all.

No, don't tell me the dude dropped out. Yeah, and Susan totally flunked his pop

shot quiz.

Susan knows she needs help. But who do you turn to for this kind of specialized

instruction? Your mom?

Dude, leave my mom out of this. Not your mom.

Anyone's. Who teaches chicks first class knob gobble?

How should I know?

Luckily for Susan, there's her neighbor Sylvia. Oh, who's Sylvia? The self

-professed protein queen who is more than willing to demonstrate her prowess.

Susan invites Sylvia over for a little tutorial.

I brought it.

Brought what?

You know, what we've been talking about.

I don't know.

What did you bring?

Sylvia reaches into her bag of tricks and pulls out a rubber lover.

Ah, the old jelly dog.

That's what you brought?

Sylvia uses it to show off her licking technique.

What are you doing?

And they should really call Sylvia saliva, because she coats it before

the joy rod down her throat.

She inhales the thing, much to Susan's surprise.

It's obvious Sylvia has a passion for peanuts, and she's determined to share

with her friend.

Both women get in a few good licks Susan's shy at first But it doesn't take

for her to get with the program as Sylvia slides the stunt cock into her

As Susan continues practicing her tongue bath, Sylvia decides to teach her

another lesson and peels open Susan's robe. It seems Sylvia is into

action and wants to get some action in on Susan's firm student body.

A housewife's duties are never done.

And Susan powers up the washer. The big machine isn't the only thing starting

its soak cycle.

Sylvia plops Susan up on the washing machine and starts kissing down her skin

the appliance begins to vibrate.

Susan's really enjoying this educational experience.

That is, until she bangs her head on a shelf, and it really hurts.

Aw, poor pumpkin.

I'll kiss it and make it feel better.

Sylvia has a better plan.

She's not about to let this good time end, so she grabs an old football helmet

off the shelf and pops it on Susan's head.

That's one way to have safe sex.

Yep. And Sylvia gets right back into making her pass on this horny housewife.

Little do these ladies know, it's that time of the month. Whoa, dude!

Meter reading day, jackass.

The gas man has come to visit.

These two luscious lovelies are huddled up inside, unaware of their guest.

As the gas man takes his reading, he hears our girls inside.

Gas Man sneaks a peek through the open window and sees the woman riding the

appliance and each other.

Gas Man knows he shouldn't watch, but this is too good to miss.

He's got himself a box seat on the 50 -yard line.

Would that be a hot box seat?

Definitely. The fun and games have just begun, and he's sticking around as these

girls kick it off.

The machine kicks in its final cycle, and so does Susan, her head spinning as

Sylvia continues lapping her lap.

But it's only halftime.

Sylvia kicks off the second half by whipping out a new toy of the strap -on

variety.

I'm gonna turn around.

Just seen the lay of the day and walks off completely forgetting about the

meter.

Flag on the play, brother.

What, you got a problem with that? Hell yeah. You telling me this gas guy stood

on the sidelines the whole time?

Well, of course. What was he supposed to do? Dude, I would have suited up and

jumped in the game.

It's not about that.

Susan just wanted some lessons in oral loving, which she got.

Now she can't wait for Neil to get home so she can try out some of her new

techniques.

Sure enough, Neil gets home to find Susan naked in bed waiting for him.

Hope you like it.

Susan gets busy practicing her new suck skills.

First she gives Neil a little penis samba, then moves on to the tonsil

Susan's giving it her all, and Neil's impressed.

He even has to grab the bed knob for support.

Now that's a serious knob job.

In no time, Neil blows his batch for his happy housewife.

Proof of a job well done.

Poor Susan's lips are sealed.

Yeah, I can imagine.

The next day, Susan's got other loads to attend to. The laundry, that is.

It's pretty boring stuff until she sees the football helmet on the shelf.

Susan takes down the helmet, recalling the lessons of the previous day, and

decides to relive them.

She powers up the washer and bends over the machine to experience its vibrating

action.

But that's just the warm

-up. Susan fixes in the laundry basket and digs up the old jelly dong.

She gives it a few licks of appreciation and then rubs herself down.

Of course, the gas man has some unfinished business and has returned to

meter. Once again, he finds the window wide open and can hear the sounds of

passion coming from within.

He can't help but take a peek.

Susan is working herself into a frenzy, but pauses when she catches sight of the

gas man outside her window.

She waved him inside, and it doesn't take much to convince him.

Gasman scores first, then sets up for the extra point, using his tongue, of

course, and Susan decides to run with it.

I

hope

your team wins.

Hope your team wins?

He must think she has some team spirit.

Teeming lust is more like it.

Anyway, months go by, and one night, Neil's paying bills when he notices

something strange.

You know what? We haven't been getting our gas bills in months.

Any idea why?

No, I have no idea.

He thinks that's weird. Imagine your wife getting fucked by the gas man while

wearing a football helmet.

Now that's weird. No kidding.

But I gotta say, the idea of blowjob lessons is a good one. Now there's

something I'd like to watch. Man, screw that.

I'd rather be the dummy.

No one's gonna fight with you there, buddy. All right, here's one you'll

It starts off with a ride.

I like the sound of it already. A train ride.

This sexy urban legend is called No Smoking Please, but it's all about

sex.

There's nothing more romantic than a train barreling through the countryside

night. Yeah, except maybe me barreling into a steamy hot honey.

True, good thing this sexy urban legend is all about taking the night train to

Nookie.

Gary and Stephanie are a newly engaged couple, and he's bringing her home to

meet his parents.

Since they have a compartment all to themselves, they decide to squeeze in a

night of passion while they have the chance.

The sign outside may say no smoking, but the action inside is heating up fast.

These two know they have an all -nighter, and they plan to stretch out

love in a long time.

They're making every mile count.

I'd be making every inch count. Yeah, all two and a half.

Which, if we're talking about tongues, would be accurate. This guy's got his

down his throat as he rubs her mound and makes her moan.

Gary finally rounds the bed and gets ready to enter the tunnel. He drops his

pants and is all aboard the sex express.

And let me tell you, this guy's not even close to blowing his horn.

He's taking the slow train tonight, and he's really enjoying the ride in

Stephanie's rocking caboose.

Gary slams into her harder. It's time to put some loco in the motion and drive

her into the station.

Gary and Stephanie lie back in their compartment, kissing and stroking each

other in the soggy aftermath of their love.

They drift off to sleep, and when Stephanie wakes a while later, she

they're not alone.

There's an old couple in the compartment with them, snoozing away on the

opposite couch.

Stephanie's not about to let these two fossils spoil her fun.

She slips under the blanket for a couple nut licks to wake up Gary.

All is going very well, and it seems the fossils are out cold until the train's

whistle blows and wakes up the frumpy wife.

She sees what's going on and can't believe her eyes.

She goes to wake her husband, but the old geezer's already there.

They watch in stunned silence as Stephanie continues with her covert

The frumpy wife expects her husband to do something, and he does.

He leans in for a closer view.

Disgusted by this indecent display, the frumpy wife storms out of the

compartment to notify the conductor while her husband continues to watch.

What, is the old geezer some kind of pervert? I think he'd get a coronary

something like this. No way.

The old geezer's sex life hit rock bottom decades ago.

This is the hottest action he's seen in 30 years.

There's no way he's blowing the whistle on Stephanie's whistle -blowing.

Yeah, but now his old wife's going to fuck it up for all of them. Well, that's

exactly what the frumpy wife has in mind. She finds the perfect conductor,

a total play -it -by -the -book kind of guy, and drags him back to their

compartment. This conductor will toss anyone off his train for the slightest

infraction of the rule. They throw open the door and find our couple sleeping

innocently under their blanket.

The old geezer smiles like nothing happened, and the conductor just

for the disturbance.

and goes back to his business.

The train thunders on into the night.

Everyone's dozing peacefully when the train suddenly rocks and wakes Stephanie

up. He looks over to make sure the coast is clear, and sure enough, the fossils

are slumbering away.

But Stephanie has a plan to stir things up.

She decides to rouse Gary by climbing on top of him and taking advantage of a

little nightwood from her man.

Stephanie does her best to keep quiet, but Gary's starting to get into it and

they pick up the pace.

Forget being discreet, it's time to fuck and Stephanie lets the blanket fall.

Naturally, the frumpy wife opens her eyes.

She immediately wakes her husband and they stare in shock at Stephanie's

bouncing boobies as she grinds away on Gary.

The frumpy wife expects her husband to put a stop to this, but he's just happy

to watch.

She finds the same conductor as before, and they head back to the compartment,

determined to bust these kids this time.

Gary looks over at the old geezer, but he's not bothered one bit. In fact, he

even offers to keep watch.

That's no problem for our young couple, and keep watch he does as Gary starts

sucking on Stephanie's tit.

This old geezer's enjoying this show so much, he even flashes them the thumbs

up. Stephanie's happy to give him the thrill.

But it looks like it's not going to last long as the frumpy wife and the

conductor approach their door.

I hear them, I hear them. Hold on.

The frumpy wife and the conductor throw open the door. Our couple is snoozing

soundly under their blanket, and the old geezer acts as innocent as can be.

The only problem here is his crazy wife.

Later that night, the fossils are back in dreamland, and Gary and Stephanie are

cuddling and kissing quietly.

Stephanie checks to make sure the old folks out cold and she reaches into her

purse. Now what's she grabbing?

A sex toy?

Nope, just an innocent pack of cigarettes.

She helps herself to one and lights up. She shares it with Gary and they kick

back, puffing away.

Meanwhile, our conductor is making his night round.

He stops in the hallway smelling something.

Sure enough, there's smoke on the train and he rushes to check it out.

Gary and Stephanie are told to pack up and the conductor prepares to escort

off the train.

Rules are rules after all, and no one gets away with violating them on his

watch. Seems like Gary and Stephanie will be walking as the train pulls away

without them.

Dude, that sucked!

You mean they banged all over the train and the thing that got them bounced was

a cigarette?

You know what they say, where there's smoke, there's fire.

Somebody ought to fire you for telling that story. Come on, dude. You're

me you never smoked after sex?

I don't know.

I never checked.

All right, well, that's definitely all we have time for this episode of Sex,

Urban Legend.

I'm Tony.

And I'm Mick.

Late!