Original subtitles

Not a scream.

Not even a whimper. I must be losing my touch.

Your rat flees more than your touch.

Like your face.

From Buffy, the vampire slayer.

And you are?

You are done.

Wow, I need a manic.

Puppy!

Stand or willow?

Are you okay?

I'm fine, but thanks.

Is there any more of them around?

If there is, I'm not afraid to resort to a fisticuff.

Hook smash!

Ow!

You know, you may be the slayer, the girl destined to fight off the forces of

darkness and all, but...

Maybe you shouldn't play alone.

You know, we're your friends. And we're here to help you, Buffy.

Thanks, Willow. I appreciate it.

And it's not like we can't handle it.

Giles is your watcher. I'm a witch. And Sander's the... the...

The Ron Weasley?

No, really. I bring a lot to the table besides comic relief.

I bring donuts.

And plus, I play a key role in battle. I mean, I distract.

And by distract, you mean scream and shriek?

Seriously, you really shouldn't leap into the fray like that.

I think you said he should be fray adjacent.

Yes, fray adjacent. And by adjacent, I mean as fray away from the fight as

possible.

Otherwise... What, I'll get hurt?

I mean, come on, I'm a crucial member of this Scooby gang.

Besides, what's the worst that's going to happen? I'm going to lose an eye?

Like, that'll ever happen.

And besides, even if it did...

Isn't that how the drummer of Def Leppard lost his arm?

And look how rich he is!

He lost it to a horde of vampires?

Yep, something like that.

Have you picked out your freshman courses for Sunnydale UC yet?

No, I've been procrastinating.

It's been a very sleigh -heavy summer.

What about Oz?

What's he been up to?

He's out of town, on tour with the band.

He won't be back till Monday.

But he gave me this.

He told me it reminded him of me.

I miss him.

Buffy, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Just that my boyfriend broke up with me right before prom.

Left Sunnydale without saying goodbye right after graduation.

And now I have insomnia because of him.

I'm absolutely irritable.

I couldn't tell.

How long?

Since he left.

And patrolling hasn't helped either.

I've even tried masturbating.

Masturbating?

You mean pleasuring yourself?

A lot.

A lot?

Nothing's worked.

Nothing's worked?

You mean with fingers or something?

Or a flute?

He said I deserve a normal life since he can't make love to me.

He's not telling that.

I can't help it, but I still love him.

Oh, Buffy.

I hope this dream spell works so I can give Buffy some closure with Angel.

You're floating.

I'm a dream, Buffy.

Well, I know that, but why are you floating?

No.

I'm actually a dream.

I'm a figment of your imagination.

I'm here to make things better.

Oh.

What's wrong?

Well, if you're not real, then the situation isn't real.

Jason isn't real. Well, then how do we make things right? It won't be real.

I have a feeling that even if it's a dream, we can make things a lot better.

Whoa.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Jenny, but you're dead.

Angelus killed you.

I saw your body. Is this some sort of dream?

We're together, Rupert.

Finally.

We have everything we never could have.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Put a rip at the line.

Willow, what are you doing in my kitchen?

Willow?

Don't play coy with me, Xander.

We've been friends since childhood, but you didn't know I had such a big crush

on you?

We had something last year, and we even kissed.

Do you still want me?

Um...

Um, what about Oz?

I really don't want a jealous werewolf boyfriend chasing after me.

Xander, it's only a dream.

See? White haze.

Oh. Um, yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just, I just, um... I

want you inside me.

Don't you?

Is that a trick question?

This is turning out to be one of those strange nights.

So you're like a present for my boss, right?

I'm so glad I took the graveyard ship.

Today's my lucky day.

Oh, honey.

You have no idea.

Nothing like a meal waiting for us when we come out of a cross -dimensional

vortex.

Wouldn't you agree, girls?

What a total dump of a town.

Talk about Smallville, USA.

I bet they only have one mall here, too.

Who called us here anyways?

Oh, honey.

We're in Sunnydale.

As luck would have it, the slayer lives here.

And I would love to meet her.

Let's find a way to get her attention.

After you finish your midnight snack.

Want some?

It's true, they taste like chicken.

Ew, gross.

food. His cholesterol is probably so high I'll get a carnival drinking him.

You do realize vampires don't have beating hearts, right?

Her taste has become a little more refined since she started watching Pop

I haven't eaten somebody under an executive since.

Although, with a succulent thigh and a supple breast,

I might be persuaded to put something in my mouth.

But first, I'll let you girls change into something more comfortable.

and push me over.

Come here.

If you're down.

Sorry.

The other things that move my tongue.

Thank you.

Messy.

I can make it tick. I can make it wink at you, too.

Let me see.

Put some fucking fingers in my cunt and put your tongue in my ass.

having as much fun. I don't know. You can have more.

Sure I can.

Why don't you sit on my face?

those pretty eyes.

There's no fur on it.

You probably didn't keep that body around.

You want to fucking play with it?

cookie. Ease my pain.

The magic box didn't have the right ingredients, so I improvised.

I just wanted Buffy and Angel to have one more night together to cure her

insomnia.

I guess it didn't turn out the way I wanted it.

Sorry, Xander.

Cookie?

You know, when Martha Stewart loses her sparkles, does she just have extra

sequins laying around that she uses?

Wait, she probably does.

Or when MacGyver gets in a fic, does he improvise?

One second thought.

Look, I know you mean well.

But what you did has really been giving me the Wiggins.

That spell created more than just a dream.

It felt like it bent reality.

Willow, you more than anyone should know that the Black Arts are not to be

trifled with.

Balance must be maintained amongst the elements, above all else.

Quite frankly, I'm amazed the repercussions from your indiscretion

At least you didn't cross the streams.

Sorry.

Well, I do hope you learned your lesson.

Cookies? Oh, thank you.

Meanwhile, local news is reporting another disappearance.

That brings the total up to four.

Okay, I'll go patrol and check the usual hangouts.

Research mode. Go online.

Check the patterns for all these missing people.

Yes, we should be able to triangulate where the victims are being held.

If they're still alive.

No, Brian, that's it.

Not while Sunnydale is on top of the Hellmouth.

Bloody hell.

Oh no, not again.

I was wondering when you'd wake up.

You've been up for hours.

Quite a bit heavier than I thought.

You should have seen us trying to carry you.

It was like waking up Bernie, too.

Who are you? What do you want?

So many questions.

Wouldn't you like to relax?

Get comfortable?

I see you're not going to be very chatty.

You know, I just want to know what's in that pretty little head of yours.

Like where a calf was?

You're not going to tell me, are you?

Girls?

Oh, my God.

This one is, like, totally mine.

No, no, no, no, no. No drinking.

I want this one alive.

Maybe you can mess him up a little bit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Back, back, back, back, demons!

Demons, stay back!

See,

I distract.

I like movies.

Some of the only things I really like in this dimension.

But I prefer theater and, uh, you put on quite a show.

Now I have to hire a new minion.

Do you know how hard it is to find good help these days?

Who are you?

My name's January.

Ah, explains the icy personality.

Now you, you're quite a celebrity in the underworld.

Had to meet the flyer.

What do you want? An autograph?

Buffy Summers.

The girl who killed the Master, Angelus, and Sunnydale's own Mayor Wilkins.

Impressive.

Look at me.

Gushing like I'm at Brangelina.

Let y 'all go.

Oh, wait.

No. I have plans for your watcher.

Over my dead body. Oh, I was hoping you would say that.

You know, the girls are going to be giving you so much props in hell.

The death of the slayer.

Show me what you got.

Don't mention it.

Planning on making cookies?

I'm sure Giles won't approve of this indiscretion.

If you don't say anything, I won't.

You know, she almost had me there for a minute.

Buffy!

Looks like it's curtains for you.

It was a good pun.

Remember she said she liked the theater?

Nothing. Not even a chuckle before she poofed.

Wow. I must be losing my touch.

All right.

Let's go.

Well,

I think we all learned a lesson here.

Yeah, not to distract so much in the future.

And not to cast any more spells without the proper ingredients.

What? I did what I was supposed to.

Move Vampire Slayer.

Well, it's been a long night. In all things considered, good job.

We'll all talk tomorrow.

It's quite a collection of stuffed puppies you've got here, Harmony.

Oh, it helps me a little, Blondie Bear.

Sod off.

Listen, I know we just met.

But let's make this perfectly clear. I didn't come back to Sunnydale for you.

I came back for something special.

And nobody, including that bloody bitch of a slayer, is going to stop me.

Well, how are you going to get by her, Spike?

In due time, my pet.

In the meantime, let's get Randy.

Who's Randy?

I'm sorry, I just melt every time you do that accent.

Austrian, right?

G'day, mate.

Let's throw another shrimp on the barbie.

But if shrimp is with Barbie, then who's with Ken?

Bugger, you really are stupid bent.

Fine, let's snog.

Six.

Oh, okay.

Why didn't you just say so?