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1
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,940
I was forced to use my hands
to defend a lady's honor.
2
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,442
So I don't have
to go back to jail?
3
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,178
You won't even see
the inside of a courtroom.
4
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,979
You know, we're having
a nature ride
5
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,114
and barbecue
for the kids
6
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:14,415
this Saturday.
You should come.
7
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,217
That sounds wonderful,
doesn't it, Charlie?
8
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:17,418
You let her go
without you?
9
00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:19,720
Why the hell
would I want to go?
10
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:20,988
Maybe you didn't notice the way
11
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:22,723
my lawyer was looking
at your fiancée.
12
00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:24,458
What are you talking about?
13
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,927
Or the way she was
looking back at him.
14
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:29,930
Charlie, that guy is
everything you're not.
15
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,435
* Men. *
16
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,472
Where the hell is she, Alan?
17
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,308
Calm down; don't work
yourself into a tizzy.
18
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,909
A tizzy?
19
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,477
I don't have tizzies.
20
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,379
Women have tizzies.
You have tizzies.
21
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:51,285
Me, I am outraged,
I am furious, I am, I am...
22
00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:52,253
Miffed?
23
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,122
Do not complete my sentences
24
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,623
if you don't grasp the concept.
25
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,391
Sorry.
26
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,193
She should've been home
hours ago.
27
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,861
I'm sure there's a perfectly
good explanation.
28
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,463
Oh, really?
And what would that be?
29
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,965
Okay, well, after
the barbecue ended,
30
00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:06,467
Chelsea stayed behind
to help clean up.
31
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,869
And then she and Brad
got to talking
32
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,404
about all the things
they have in common.
33
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:13,407
You know, their love
of horses, children...
34
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,443
Probably just
lost track of time.
35
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,178
Because, you know,
he's so easy to talk to.
36
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:18,712
Not to mention how...
37
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,348
good-looking he is.
38
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,951
Or she got diarrhea.
39
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:26,154
Oh, maybe she called.
40
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:28,589
Oh, look, there's
two messages.
41
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:31,091
WOMAN: Hi. I'm calling
for Alan Harper.
42
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:32,526
This is Jenny from
Malibu Day Spa.
43
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,462
I just wanted to confirm
your Saturday appointment
44
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:35,529
for a bikini wax.
45
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:39,433
Bikini wax?!
46
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,402
Uh, I wear a European-cut
bathing suit.
47
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:43,537
I like to keep it
tidy down there.
48
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,474
Anyway, I'm sure the
next one is Chelsea.
49
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,342
Hi, Mr. Harper.
This is Jenny again.
50
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,077
Just a reminder--
we can no longer accept
51
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,845
a personal check from you...
52
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:55,449
I should've just gone with her
to that stupid charity thing.
53
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:56,917
True. If you'd made
a little effort,
54
00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:58,051
you wouldn't be in
this situation.
55
00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,487
But I bet she knew
I wouldn't go
56
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:00,621
when she asked me.
57
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:03,056
In fact, I bet she was
counting on me not going,
58
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,725
so she could be alone
with this Brad guy.
59
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,660
Do you really think Chelsea
would do something like that?
60
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,095
Why not? That's what I'd do.
61
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,465
I mean, hypothetically.
62
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:13,534
If I were ever
in that situation.
63
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:14,635
Again.
64
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:16,537
Right.
65
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:19,507
The point is, I've been honest
through this whole thing.
66
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,442
She's the one who's
been deceitful.
67
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:22,976
She's nothing but
a manipulative,
68
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,445
calculating,
two-faced...
69
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,313
Hey, honey.
70
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,748
(sweetly):
Oh, hi, baby.
71
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:28,749
How was the party?
72
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,251
It was great.
73
00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:32,553
There was, like, 80 kids
taking turns riding a horse
74
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,555
for the first time
in their lives.
75
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:36,824
So, what, there was
just one horse?
76
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:38,025
No.
77
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:38,926
Good, 'cause that
would've been
78
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,561
a tough day for the horse.
79
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:43,497
Sorry I'm late, but after we
got the kids back on the busses,
80
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:46,200
a bunch of us hung out
to chat and help clean up.
81
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,001
Yeah, yeah, that's
what I figured.
82
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:49,470
Anyway, I'm beat.
83
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:51,705
I just want to jump in
the shower and go to bed.
84
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,140
Okay, I'll be right up.
85
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,643
Night, Alan.
Night.
86
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,144
Glad you had a good time.
87
00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:58,746
Well done.
88
00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:01,715
You sublimated your anger and
came from a place of love.
89
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:03,016
You took the high road.
90
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:04,084
Really?
91
00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:05,486
Is that what you call it?
92
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:07,821
'Cause I call it a
complete and total betrayal
93
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:09,423
of my testicles.
94
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,360
If you'd done it
as much as I had,
95
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,462
you'd call it the high road.
96
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,298
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
97
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:20,501
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
98
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,137
* Men. *
99
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,706
Hey, Chels?
100
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:29,477
So, when you say a bunch
of you stayed to clean up,
101
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,011
how many are you
talking about?
102
00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,480
I don't know;
a couple.
103
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,715
Uh-huh.
104
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,084
You know, technically,
a couple is two.
105
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:38,886
So are you saying
there were two people
106
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:42,189
in addition to you and Brad
or just you and Brad?
107
00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,757
What are you getting at?
108
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:46,560
Nothing. Just trying to get
an accurate head count.
109
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,362
You could've come with me,
you know.
110
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,397
I know.
111
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:50,731
It'd be nice for us
112
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,933
to do some things together
once in a while.
113
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,035
We do plenty of
things together.
114
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,136
Besides sex.
115
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:59,640
Oh...
116
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:02,510
When Brad's wife was alive,
they played tennis every day.
117
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,612
Probably what killed her.
118
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:07,915
She was hit by a car.
119
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:10,618
Maybe she was chasing
a tennis ball.
120
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:14,422
You know, like a dog.
121
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,791
You throw it,
they run after it,
122
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,226
even if there's traffic...
123
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,663
Goofy dogs.
124
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,336
* Men. *
125
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,137
(crowd cheering)
126
00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:33,474
What the hell is that?
127
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:37,311
Two guys in a cage beating
the snot out of each other.
128
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:41,449
I can't believe I wasted
so many years watching cartoons.
129
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,050
Turn it down.
130
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,719
Aye, aye, Captain Douche.
131
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:46,987
What did you say?
132
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:49,423
Aye, aye, Captain.
I'll do that.
133
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:53,627
Why are you on the couch?
You and Chelsea have a fight?
134
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:55,128
No, we didn't have a fight.
135
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,297
Were you farting in your sleep?
136
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,566
No.
137
00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,900
Did you screw up the sex?
138
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,703
What the hell are
you talking about?
139
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:05,539
You know, there's more
than one way to satisfy a woman.
140
00:05:05,606 --> 00:05:07,508
Oh, really? Like what?
141
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:08,876
I'm not sure.
142
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,544
But I have some theories.
143
00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:12,245
Get out!
144
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,246
Fine.
145
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,985
We wouldn't have these problems
if you just put a TV in my room.
146
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,252
We wouldn't have these problems
147
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,422
if I just put
a python in your room.
148
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:23,891
Touché, douché.
149
00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:25,526
What?
150
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:27,327
I said touché, douché.
151
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,769
BERTA:
* I really can't stay
152
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:38,439
(in deep voice):
* Baby, it's cold outside
153
00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:40,608
(normal voice):
* I've got to go away
154
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,877
(deep voice):
* Baby, it's cold outside...
155
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:45,345
You mind?
I'm trying to sleep.
156
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,715
Hey, I didn't see you there.
157
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:48,949
What'd you do?
158
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,784
I don't want to talk about it.
159
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,186
Fine. I'm not one to pry.
160
00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:57,958
Money?
161
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:58,992
No.
162
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:00,528
Old girlfriend?
163
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:01,729
No.
164
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,497
She find those Polaroids?
165
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:04,898
No.
166
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,968
How did you know
about the Polaroids?
167
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,038
You just told me, you dirtbag.
168
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,306
So, what did you do,
169
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,142
try to sneak in at 2:00 a.m.
170
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,810
smellin' of booze
and pole dancer?
171
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:20,347
For your information, Chelsea's
the one who came home late.
172
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,349
And she was smelling of horse.
173
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:25,052
Oh, good Lord, Charlie,
you can't compete with a horse.
174
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,053
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
175
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,988
Seriously.
176
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,690
I've seen your tallywacker,
177
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:32,159
and you're blessed, but
you ain't no Seabiscuit.
178
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:36,296
When have you seen my...
tallywacker?
179
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:40,434
I don't know, maybe the nine or
ten times I found you passed out
180
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:43,504
in your bathtub, holding onto it
like it was a flotation device.
181
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:46,073
Sorry about that.
182
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,808
Don't be.
183
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,216
Mmm, boy!
184
00:06:57,818 --> 00:06:59,186
Breakfast,
185
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:02,422
the most important meal
of the day.
186
00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:04,391
Three scrambled egg whites,
187
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:08,095
two slices of "I can't believe
it's not buttered" rye toast
188
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,730
and to flush it through me,
189
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:14,001
a piping hot cup
of freshly ground coffee.
190
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,202
(coffee grinder whirring)
191
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,571
Shut that thing off!
192
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,280
(whirring resumes)
193
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:42,563
(crashing)
194
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:48,268
So... decaf?
195
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,172
Don't push me.
196
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:54,074
I'm not in the mood.
197
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,776
Did you sleep
on the couch last night?
198
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,044
What's it to ya?
199
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,646
Oh, Charlie, what'd you do?
200
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,681
Nothing.
Nothing?
201
00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:05,052
I may have compared Brad's
recently deceased wife
202
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,020
to a ball-chasing dog.
203
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:09,089
Whose balls?
204
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,559
Tennis balls.
205
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:13,761
Get your mind out of the gutter.
206
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:17,230
All right, look-- while this is
admittedly a bump in the road,
207
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,866
you do have an opportunity here
208
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:21,034
to really improve your
relationship with Chelsea.
209
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,035
How do you figure?
210
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,503
Well, think about it--
211
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:25,172
the reason you're
threatened by Brad
212
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,641
is because he's a much
better man than you.
213
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,510
No, he's not.
214
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:33,280
I would never come on
to another guy's fiancée.
215
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,615
Okay, first of all,
we don't know
216
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:35,949
that he's come on to Chelsea.
217
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,751
And secondly, I've seen you
hit on a bride
218
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:39,553
while she was walking down
the aisle.
219
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:40,921
That was a joke.
220
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:43,523
I asked her what
she was doing later.
Everybody laughed.
221
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:47,227
My point is, if Chelsea is
looking around for a better guy,
222
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,996
why not make that guy you?
223
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:52,700
Because I'm not
a better guy than me.
224
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,167
Not yet.
225
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,837
But you do have something
going for you that Brad doesn't.
226
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:57,905
What's that?
227
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,207
Room to improve.
228
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:05,245
Lots and lots of
room to improve.
229
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,915
Thanks. You've filled
me with optimism.
230
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,117
And keep in mind, you're
the underdog here,
231
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,218
and everybody loves an underdog.
232
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:14,755
Then how come
nobody loves you?
233
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,591
The principle is still sound.
234
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,727
Just go up there and
tell Chelsea you know
235
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,528
that you're a
flawed human being,
236
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:25,498
but that you will spend the rest
of your life trying to be better
237
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,200
because she deserves the best.
238
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:30,103
So, lie.
239
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,571
You don't have to lie.
240
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:33,140
Don't you think
you're a flawed human being?
241
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:35,408
Of course I do.
But I know me.
242
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,811
I'm not gonna spend the rest
of my life doing anything,
243
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,113
let alone try to be
a better human being.
244
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,682
Oh, come on, Charlie.
245
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,618
Look at every New Year's
resolution I've ever made.
246
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:47,788
I've got the best of intentions,
but by January third or fourth,
247
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:51,725
there I am broke, hung over, and
coughing up stripper glitter.
248
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,727
Okay, lie.
249
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,665
* Men. *
250
00:09:57,731 --> 00:10:01,669
Hey Chels... I brought
you some orange juice.
251
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:02,469
Thank you.
252
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,904
Is there any coffee?
253
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:08,241
No, no, my stupid brother
broke the grinder.
254
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:13,113
There's vodka
in this orange juice.
255
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:16,049
Whoopsie, that's mine.
256
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,185
It's 8:00 in the morning.
257
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,553
Hence the orange juice.
258
00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:26,493
So, listen, I wanted
to apologize again
259
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,996
about my unfortunate
remarks last night.
260
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:32,099
And tell you I love you and
I'll spend the rest of my life
261
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:35,102
trying to be a better man
because you deserve the best.
262
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,137
Well, I appreciate
you saying that.
263
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:40,974
So... we're good?
264
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,243
Yeah.
265
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,577
Great.
266
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,446
So what do you want
to do today?
267
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,782
Your choice-- whatever
makes you happy.
Really?
268
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,184
I'll go anywhere,
I'll do anything.
269
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,652
Of course, you'll
have to drive.
270
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,188
Well, I was thinking
of going to Beverly Hills
271
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:56,824
for this charity blood drive.
272
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:57,691
Great.
273
00:10:57,758 --> 00:11:00,728
We'll give blood together.
274
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,495
than tapping a vein
for a good cause.
275
00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:05,032
Terrific.
Brad will be happy to see us.
276
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,067
Brad?
277
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:08,501
It's his charity.
278
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,637
He's got another charity?
279
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,572
What the hell's
this guy's problem?
280
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,842
It's not a problem, Charlie.
281
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,944
He's a very caring
and compassionate man.
282
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,979
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
he's a freakin' saint.
283
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:22,615
And you were already
planning on seeing him again.
284
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:23,851
Well, yeah. He told me
285
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,585
about the blood drive
last night.
286
00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:28,789
Right, right, while you were
"cleaning up."
287
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,190
What's "this"?
288
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:33,026
Oh, I think you know
what "this" is.
289
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,262
Just go to hell!
290
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:36,730
Hey, hey-hey,
291
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,431
I'm not the one sneakin' around
seeing somebody
292
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,267
behind my fiancé's back!
293
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,601
I am not sneaking around!
294
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,203
I asked you
to go with me!
295
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:44,772
Figuring that I wouldn't.
296
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:45,773
Very sneaky!
297
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,340
Drop dead!
298
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:50,744
(grinder whirrs, revving up)
299
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,012
Fixed it.
300
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,518
* Men. *
301
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:04,291
* Men. *
302
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:06,794
So...
303
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:11,164
when are you gonna call Chelsea
and tell her you're sorry?
304
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,835
Okay, first of all, I have
nothing to be sorry about.
305
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,204
And second, I am not gonna
discuss my personal life
306
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,807
with someone whose current
girlfriend is a gym sock.
307
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,809
Wow, no wonder she left.
308
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:24,277
You just lash out for no reason.
309
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:26,814
EVELYN:
Hello?
310
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,215
Out here!
311
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:29,749
That's my reason.
312
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,218
Boo-hoo.
When you gonna stop
313
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:33,253
blaming your problems
on your mommy?
314
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,156
Hey, boys.
315
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,724
Charlie, where's your
bride-to-be?
316
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,159
We were gonna finalize
the guest list.
317
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:40,627
She's not here.
318
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:42,229
She told him to go to hell.
319
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,031
Will you please shut up?
320
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,633
Oh, Charles, what did you do?
321
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,001
I didn't do anything!
322
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:49,769
He slept on the couch
last night.
323
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:52,172
Nobody's talking to you!
324
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:56,176
And this is what
we've been living with.
325
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:59,913
Stop heating your socks in the
microwave, you little freak!
326
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:03,016
Charlie, please don't
let this girl get away.
327
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:04,651
Don't worry, I won't.
328
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:05,953
Good, 'cause she's
one in a million
329
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,654
and you're a dime
a dozen.
330
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:12,125
Yeah, but I'm the underdog, and
everybody loves the underdog.
331
00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:15,162
Oh, God, now you sound
like your brother.
332
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,765
How do you plan
on getting her back?
333
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,901
I'm gonna become a better man.
334
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:24,938
Great, so no
plan at all.
335
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,440
* Men. *
336
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:29,276
REPORTER:
...like Santee, California,
337
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:32,579
maybe Long Beach, California,
could actually top out around 90
338
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,848
before it's all said
and done.
339
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,183
What's the forecast?
340
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:40,854
(slurring):
High tonight, low tomorrow.
341
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:44,324
A hundred-percent chance
of hangover.
342
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:45,893
Heard from Chelsea?
343
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:50,130
She's staying with her
father for a few days.
344
00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:52,966
At least that's what
she e-mailed me.
345
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:55,768
You don't think
she could be with...
346
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,704
Go ahead, say it.
347
00:13:57,770 --> 00:13:59,839
Braa-ad!
348
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,544
You know what?
349
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:05,412
If she is, fine.
350
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:06,713
Good riddance.
351
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:09,917
I was never meant to be tied
down to one woman, anyway.
352
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,818
Well, you are by nature
a free spirit.
353
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:13,720
(sobbing):
I miss her, Alan!
354
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:16,656
I can't live without her!
355
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:17,790
And you don't have to.
356
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:18,791
Remember our talk?
357
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:19,426
Becoming a better man?
358
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:20,560
Screw it!
359
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,195
I'm as good
as I'm ever gonna be!
360
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,297
If she doesn't like it,
the hell with her!
361
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,266
That is true.
In a healthy relationship,
362
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:28,468
your partner needs to
accept you for who you are.
363
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:33,006
(sobbing): Oh, she deserves
better than me, Alan!
364
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,908
She's such a wonderful gal!
365
00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:36,143
I know, I know.
366
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:40,613
She's-she's
like an angel!
367
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,049
She... She sure is.
368
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:45,318
Then why is she running off
with Braa-ad?
369
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:48,388
We don't know that she's
running off with anyone.
370
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:51,091
This is not
angel behavior, Alan.
371
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:53,726
You know what
kind of behavior this is?
372
00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:56,363
Charlie behavior.
373
00:14:58,065 --> 00:15:01,668
(wailing): I took an angel
and I turned her into me!
374
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:06,239
* Men. *
375
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:21,288
Charlie...?
376
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,156
I can't sleep in my bed.
377
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,225
It smells like Chelsea.
378
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,896
O-Okay. Well...
379
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,331
why don't you stay here
380
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,033
and I'll go sleep in your room.
381
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:36,203
No, no, no, don't go.
382
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,771
I don't wanna be alone.
383
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,707
All right.
384
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:47,014
You're wearing
pajama bottoms, right?
385
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,350
Shh...
386
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,685
Exactly how drunk are you?
387
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:57,190
Both questions...
388
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,359
asked and answered.
389
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,130
* Men. *
390
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:05,665
(phone rings)
391
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,841
(curtly):
What?
392
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,676
Oh, hi, Chelsea.
393
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,779
No... no, he's up.
394
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,814
Or not.
395
00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:26,586
Hang on. I'll find him.
396
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,421
Charlie?
397
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,423
Charlie?
398
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,564
Found him. Hold on.
399
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,032
Hey, Charlie?
400
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:40,267
What?
401
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,734
You got a phone call.
402
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,103
I'll call back.
403
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:44,404
It's your fiancée.
404
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:49,209
(brightly):
Oh, hey, baby.
405
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:51,311
No, no, I've been up
for a while.
406
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,881
So how are ya?
407
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,783
Uh-huh.
408
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:57,750
What's going on?
409
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,186
Man, you'll do anything
410
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,588
not to kick in a little rent,
won't ya?
411
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,924
Are you coming home?
412
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:06,893
I really miss you.
413
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:10,763
Uh, sure, I can meet you
for coffee, no problem.
414
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:12,465
Half hour?
415
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,135
No problem. See ya.
416
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:17,104
(groans)
417
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,338
Problem?
418
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:22,442
What the hell
are you doing here?
419
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,812
* Men. *
420
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,180
Hi, sweetie.
421
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,150
Sorry I'm late.
422
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:31,951
I got you some coffee.
423
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,987
Thank you.
424
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,356
(gulping)
425
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:41,661
Isn't that awfully hot?
426
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,963
Scalding!
427
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:46,166
(raspy cough)
428
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,301
Whew...
429
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:50,337
So, what's new?
430
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,004
We need to talk about Brad.
431
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,740
No, no, we don't.
432
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:55,142
I'm sorry.
433
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:58,245
I trust you, and I was totally
and completely wrong
434
00:17:58,311 --> 00:18:00,313
to think there might be
something going on
435
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:01,348
between you two.
436
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,849
Thank you for that.
437
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:03,950
You're welcome.
438
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,685
Okay, let's go home.
439
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:10,089
Hold on. I do have
a confession to make.
440
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,725
Oh, this is never good.
441
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,229
The reason I got so upset
442
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,165
by the things you said
was because,
443
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,233
well, you kind of
touched a nerve.
444
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,502
Yeah, I do that.
I'm a nerve toucher.
445
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:25,138
Runs in the family.
446
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,506
Okay, well, confession's over.
447
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,308
And you forgive me,
I forgive you.
448
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:29,376
Let's go home.
449
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,810
I'm not done.
450
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,413
Aw, crap.
451
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:38,818
The thing is, I was kind
of attracted to Brad.
452
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:44,557
He's a great guy and we have
a lot in common.
453
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,026
He loves his family
and he really cares
454
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,296
about his friends
and his community.
455
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:53,800
I'm taking from your tone
that stuff's important to you.
456
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:56,436
Yes, Charlie,
it's important to me.
457
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,104
Okay.
458
00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:03,276
Did you and Brad do anything
other than talk?
459
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:04,577
Of course not.
460
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,612
Nothing's happened.
461
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,113
Oh, thank God.
462
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,582
But while I do love you,
463
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:12,252
I need to know
you care as much as I do.
464
00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:13,186
I do.
465
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:14,354
You say that,
466
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:15,722
but are you willing
467
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,123
to really work
on our relationship?
468
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:18,491
Of course I am.
469
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:21,828
We can start doing things
together; community things.
470
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:24,797
You know, with the-the-the...
the kids that are poor
471
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:28,468
and the old people that fall
and can't get up.
472
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:30,503
What about your family?
473
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:33,273
I'll get a new family.
474
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,408
Look, I'm telling you,
I can change.
475
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:40,847
(gagging): I can be a better
man; the man you want me to be.
476
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:42,649
(gagging intensifies):
And I promise you...
477
00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:43,883
Excuse me.
478
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,320
(vomits)
479
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:48,588
Oh, my God!
480
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,323
I am so, so sorry.
481
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:51,791
You threw up on my baby!
482
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,393
(baby crying)
483
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:56,663
Anyway, to be fair, I don't
think the carrots were mine.
484
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,598
Get away from him,
you pig!
485
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:02,001
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
486
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,503
Cute kid.
487
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:05,638
(baby crying)
488
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:09,309
Chels?
489
00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:16,182
(sighs)
490
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:19,386
Damn.
491
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:21,354
* Men. *
492
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:32,198
I just got a call
from Chelsea.
493
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,801
Oh, yeah?
494
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:38,938
She said she wants
to postpone the wedding.
495
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,540
I know.
496
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:44,544
I'm sorry.
497
00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:45,912
Thanks.
498
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:50,617
Believe it or not,
I do love you,
499
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,285
and I hate to see you hurt.
500
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:57,223
Yeah, well... I guess
I kinda had it coming.
501
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,258
But you tried.
502
00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:03,563
I did.
503
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,765
I just have
one question.
504
00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,834
What's that?
505
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:10,069
Did you really vomit
on a baby?
506
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:18,878
Don't beat yourself up
too much.
507
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:22,515
We've all done that.
508
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:26,753
You're kidding.
509
00:21:26,819 --> 00:22:02,254
Of course...most of us do it
on our own babies.
34662
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