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[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Joel McHale!

[cheers and applause]

All right. All right.

Yeah. Yeah.

What the fuck?
What the--

Yeah!

Yeah!
This is the entire special.

Yes.

I'm very insecure
so that is helpful.

-Good evening, San Jose.
-[cheers]

Yeah,
do another five minutes of that.

Yeah.

San Jose,
it's one of my favorite cities.

-[man] Ha!
-What the fuck?

It's your city!
Already--Ah.

No, I--I love the night life.

-Uh...
-[laughter]

It's not like a horror-movie set
where you walk out

and you're like,
"Where is everyone?"

I feel like Ben Affleck
in The Town.

Like, "What happened?"
Oh, no, I like it.

Is there,
like, a curfew or something?

-[laughter]
-You have to be indoors?

What happens?
Is there a monster?

Ugh.
No, I lo--I-I--

Hey, you got
that NHL team, right?

-Hey, the Sharks.
-[audience cheers]

Wow, so much enthusiasm.
You're so excited.

-You're like, "They're fine."
-[laughter]

Uh, I think the Sharks
is a really good name

for the team because
the sharks, you know,

they're just a few miles away
in the water.

Uh, it's hard to keep
the mascot alive at games,

but still...uh...
that's the--

I looked up the Sharks--
I did a lot of research,

and it's actually--
so in '91 when the team,

uh, came here,
that actually wasn't

the first choice of name.
It wasn't the name that won.

The name that won
was the Blades.

Ah, see, I know stuff
that you don't know.

-Ha ha ha ha. Smart.
-[laughter]

And they would not allow
that name because they said

"Blades" has a gang connotation.
And I was like,

"What gang
is only using knives?"

-[laughter]
-Maybe it's like a cool gang

that uses throwing knives
or something?

But blades are on the bottom
of the skates,

so what the--Do they
wear skates on their hands?

They're like, "Get him!"
No, I don't--

They should just change it
to the San Jose Gang Members.

[laughter]

No, I'm from Seattle,
so I like the Seahawks.

"Fuck you, Joel!"
And, uh--

-[audience boos]
-Yeah, no it's fi--

Look, I--
I'll tell you in a second, uh,

but, um...uh, no, look,
I love the Seahawks

and people are like,
"Well, what's a seahawk?"

And I'm like, "I don't know.
It's a fish or a bird.

It's magical.
Who knows?"

-[laughter]
-I know you guys are 49er fans.

-Right? Yes?
-[audience cheers]

There we go.
Kind of? Weird.

People like, "No."
So, I think--Look, I love--

I like the 49ers.
I want the 49ers to be good.

They will be.
Someday.

-Sorry. "Kill him!" No.
-[laughter]

Here's what I think
they should do.

They need to change the name
because what's a "49er"?

It's a weird, old dude
with a hat turned up

and a big beard,
squatting in a creek going,

-"I found a shiny rock!"
-Right?

-[laughter]
-No one's intimidated by that.

They should change it to
the San Francisco Homosexuals.

-[laughter]
-Think about it. See?

-[cheers and applause]
-See what I mean?

All the idea--
So, here--Here's why.

It is what San Francisco
is known for...

and it is what
they are proud of, right?

And think how intimidating
that would be...

[laughter]

for the rest of the league,
right?

Say they go show up to play,
I don't know, the Texans, right?

-[laughter]
-Which is a very creative name.

Uh, so imagine
the San Francisco Homosexuals

showing up and they're like,
"Hey, yeah, how's it going?

Yeah, we're gonna beat you,
then we're gonna fuck you.

-You're first."
-[laughter]

♪ All my ideas are good

So, I like it here.
It's weird, I think--

Well, I'm a little upset
with you people,

uh, which I'll explain.

'Cause whenever you ask people
from where you guys live,

you're like,
"Where you from?"

You all go,
"Northern California."

That narrows it down.

Like, I just assume,

"Oh, they must live
by Mount Shasta."

That's it, 'cause--
'cause it's--there's a lot.

Redding?
I don't know.

Uh, Chico?
There's a place, but, uh...

-[laughter]
-And then you're like,

"Okay, no, where do you live
in Northern California?"

Then you all go,
"The Bay Area."

Okay, great!
Again!

-[cheers and applause]
-Narrowing it way down.

I was like,
"Do you think I'm gonna

try to find your house
and rob you?

Why won't you tell me
where you live?!"

Uh, most people just say
the city they're from!

I think it's because secretly
you, like,

you think it's really cool
being from the Bay Area,

but you're kind of embarrassed
by the city you're from.

-[laughter]
-Right?

They're like, "Where you from?"
"Bay Area."

"No, what city?"
[deflated] "Livermore.

[laughter, cheers]

Shut up."
[chuckles]

"What city you from?"
[deflated] "Gilroy.

-[laughter, cheers]
-It's the garlic capital

of the world.
Garlic Festival.

I know everyone else grows wine,
but we make garlic.

It smells."
And then I'm very confused.

What's Bay Area,
what's not Bay Area?

So--So Livermore,
is that considered Bay Area?

-[audience] Yes!
-Barely, right?

-[audience] Yes!
-Obviously Stockton is not.

-"Fuck those guys!"
-[laughter]

-Uh, is Walnut Creek?
-[audience] Yes!

It's far from the bay, okay?

People are like,
"Meh, maybe, we'll decide later.

I control the whole thing.
I'm from San Mateo."

-[laughter]
-When people are like,

"Oh, where'd you grow up?"
"Berkeley."

"Really?"
"Hm, Alameda."

-So, uh...
-[laughter]

"It's got a great airport!"

All right, uh, okay.
Okay, so, let's--

We just--before--
all right, we just

have to talk about...

himfor just a second.

-[audience shouting] No!
-Yes, see? Here we go.

Yes, we just--
you know, the most famous

redhead on the planet.
Prince Harry!

-Ugh, so cute!
-[women screaming]

Ugh, Meghan, I love her.
Kate and her fighting.

Anyways.
Uh, no..

we gotta just talk about
Trump for just a second.

-[audience booing]
-We--I know. I know.

Look, in Bakersfield,
totally different reaction.

-Uh...
-[laughter]

No, I'm not kidding.
As soon as I brought him up,

they're like, "Great!"

Yes, 'cause Bakersfield
is the one red zit

on the blue ass...
of California.

-[cheers and applause]
-Big Bakersfield fans.

And I--He says shit out loud.
I mean, you know this.

When he started I was like--
he would say shit out loud

that I'd go,
"Oh, I didn't know you could

say that
and get away with it and now

I'm gonna say the same thing."
I'm just gonna say shit.

Like he had this press
conference two years ago

and so much happens every day.
It's like four days of news

for every one day.
So, this was actually...

-36 years ago.
-[laughter]

And, uh, there was this
big press conference

and there was a Jewish reporter
and you could tell he was Jewish

because he had the, uh...

horns.
Thank you. And, uh...

-[laughter]
-Holy shit.

Anti-Semite right here, guys.

Wow. Bakersfield, right?
Yeah, I get it.

Uh, no, I mean--No--

Yes,
he was wearing the yarmulke

because that keeps
the horns moist.

Uh, everybody knows that.
Because if they get dry

they can fucking tear out
a ceiling.

-[laughter]
-What am I talking about?

All right, uh...no,
so this Jewish reporter

stood up and he was like,
"President Trump,

since you've taken office,
attacks on synago--"

And before he could finish,
Trump just goes,

"Sit down, liar.
Next question."

I'm like...
"I'm gonna do that to my family.

-[laughter]
-This is great!"

But--No, so Trump's not the guy
that scares me.

The guy that really scares me
is Mike Pence.

-[audience groans]
-Yeah, see?

All the liberals are like,
"Fucking sock it to him

right now, Joel.
Fucking nail him!"

Uh, no, it's actually
for not the reasons you think.

Uh, here's why.
He gave an interview

two years before he became,
uh, the vice president

and, uh, he answered
all these questions.

And, just to let you know,
when you're in an interview,

you don't have
to answer anything.

I was on third-tier cable
for 12 years and--

-[cheers and applause]
-Thank you.

Thanks for remembering.
Oh, yes.

That was me, but anyway, uh...

yeah, and when you
are asked a question

you don't want to answer,
all you have--

I was just--
pretended I was on a game show

and went, "Pass!"
But, uh...

you don't have
to answer anything.

He decided to answer it.
I don't know why.

And he said in this interview,
and I quote,

that he would not go to dinner

with a female colleague alone.

That sounds
like a serial killer...

[laughter]

trying not
to murder again, right?

Why would you say that?
And why would you say it

in that way
unless you're a serial killer.

He's like,
"Oh, you know what happens.

I get the reservation,
we're alone,

and I'm just like, 'Ahhh.'

Okay, I put her skin on.

I just put on a skin."
Ugh, ooh...

uh, then he said,
in this same interview,

and I was like,
"You didn't have to say this."

But he said this
in the same interview,

that he would not go to a party

where they're serving alcohol
without his wife.

That is someone
who has fucked up, right?

-[laughter]
-Why would you say it out loud?

Right? Even if you did,
why even mention it?

Maybe to let your wife know,
"It's not gonna happen again."

I don't know.
Or maybe it was an affirmation

of some sorts?
I don't know, like,

you didn't walk in tonight
and go, like,

"At no point during the show
will I put straws up my butt."

We'd be like,
"Okay, Bob, but why would you

-say that out loud?"
-[laughter]

Because Bob used to put
straws up his butt.

I just want the security footage

from that party
where he fucked up.

Where he walked in and was like,
"Oh, hi. Hi. Oh, is my wi--

Oh, she's not?
Oh, there's a bar.

It's pussy time!"
Right?

-[laughter]
-That's in it, too.

He said, "Pussy time."
Yeah, he did. No.

Here's the other thing
that freaks me out

about Mike Pence.
He does this thing where--

Watch him publicly speak, okay?
Just wa--

Like, the next speech he gives
or the next interview he gives,

he won't stop smiling.

Watch him.
He's always smiling.

'Cause I think it's 'cause
secretly he is afraid

and terrified
of public speaking

and to keep himself comfortable
while he's doing it,

he just very subtly
massages the tip of his penis...

-[laughter]
-while he's talking.

Watch him!
He'll be like...

[laughter]

[groans]

It's disgusting.
It's disgusting.

That's all I'm gonna do on them.

But I did--
all right, so soon...

soon as Trump was elected
I only booked in red states...

[whispers] and Bakersfield.
And, uh...

-[laughter]
-And I just booked shows

in red states 'cause I wanted
to meet everyone.

And, so, I booked a show
in Oklahoma.

In Oklahoma City.

I mean,
fuck, patient zero, right?

-So, uh...
-[laughter]

so I walk out on stage
and I'm like,

"Good evening.
Did you guys vote for Trump?"

And they began booing loudly.

Like booing and hissing.

They were very upset
and so I went,

"Oh, I thought you guys did
because Ivoted for him."

And they were like,
"Oh, you did?

Well, of course
we voted for him.

We were just being polite,
Joel."

-[imitates banjo]
-[laughter]

Okay, uh...
they didn't do that.

[laughter]

But there were a lot of dudes
wearing overalls

with no T-shirt
or anything underneath 'em.

Just one strap fastened and
they're like, "It does the job."

Uh, so I was doing a show
there and I was backstage

and the owner of the place
came up to me and he goes,

"Hey, Joel, just so you know,
out in the audience tonight

there's about
30 Wounded Warriors."

And I'm like, "That's awesome!
I cannot wait to say 'hi.'

Thank you so much."
And I'm about to walk on stage

and a waiter basically
punches me in the chest

and he's like,
"There's Wounded Warriors

in the audience tonight."
And I'm like, "Just heard.

Very excited. I'm gonna go say
'hi' to them. Thank you."

Then I'm on stage
and the opening comic

is licking my ear to tell me.

He's like,
"There's Wounded Warriors."

And I was like, "Yes! I heard!
Did you guys think

I had a fucking stroke?
Yes, I know!

I'm going to say 'hi.'
What's going on?"

And so then--So I say,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

there's Wounded Warriors
here tonight."

And there's this great,
wonderful ovation.

Everyone's clapping.
It's a really cool moment.

And I have always had a question

for the Wounded Warriors
and I thought to myself,

"This is the right time."
Right?

-[laughter]
-So I said, "Wounded Warriors,

thank you for coming.
Thank you for your service.

Thank you for being here.
I have a question for you.

Is there someone in your group

who is,
perhaps, on average way...

-less...wounded...
-[laughter]

than the rest of you?
Like, maybe his name is Gary

and Gary just got winged
in the thumb or something?

But Gary shows up
to all the events...

-[laughter]
-and Gary wears all the T-shirts

and he's got
all the bumper stickers

and he takes all the photographs

and you've got
a traumatic brain injury

and it's beginning
to piss you off.

Is there someone in your group
like that?"

They all went silent.

So I was like,
"Okay...there is.

-[laughter]
-Now, let's find him."

So, I said, "Look,
you don't need to admit it

to the group yourself.
We as the audience

would just like to know
who Gary is.

So, how about this?
On the count of three

you guys close your eyes
and point, okay?

Here we go.
Count of three.

One, two, three,
close your eyes and point."

Nobody moved.
And I'm like, "Come on, guys.

Let's find Gair-Bear.
Let's do this.

Count of three.
Close your eyes and point

with whatever you got.
Here we go. All right."

So I went, "One, two, three.
Close your eyes and point."

Nobody moved.
And then this woman in the group

goes, "We've all
got each other's backs."

And I was like, "Ooh, well,
that might be the case now,

but it wasn't
when you got wounded!"

-[laughter, groaning]
-Dick. I agree.

Dick. Huge dick.

So I just kept going on
with the show.

I was like, "Ryan Seacrest
is tiny Ellen" and, uh...

-[laughter]
-but the woman who had yelled

at me would not stop yelling.

And she wasn't heckling me,
she was inviting me

to future
Wounded Warrior events.

So she was like,
"We've got a carwash

every third Sunday
and there's a gala in March.

We would love it--"
And I was like,

"Ma'am, I wish you had
been wounded in the mouth."

-[audience groans]
-And that's when her

entire group pointed at her.

I'm like, "Oh! Jeez!

-We got her!
-[laughter]

It wasn't Gary,
it was Gabrielle!

What am I thinking?"
[sighs] Yeah.

I swear,
like every five shows, like,

there will be
a Wounded Warrior in the--

happen to be a Wounded Warrior
in the audience

and they will come up
to me afterwards

and they'll be like,

"We totally got a fucking Gary
in our group."

-[laughter]
-Oklahoma is a beautiful--

Uh, a beautiful state.
You know, part of the Bay Area.

-[laughter]
-Who fucking knows what that is.

It's all there.
No, uh, beautiful,

but they have
a horrible problem

and that problem is tornadoes.
They are deadly and horrible.

But the best thing
about tornadoes

is tornado news coverage

because for those
weathermen and women

it is their Oscars, Grammys,
and Emmys all wrapped into one

breaking news report.
It is showtime.

And they will interrupt anything
to give you the information.

They'll be like, "We're sorry
to interrupt the finale

of 'This Is Us,'
but, uh,

we've got a situation over here
in Jones County.

Now on this Doppler map
now if you look,

this big, orange blob--
I've ejaculated.

So, Bob, take over."
Bob runs in,

straws up his butt,
and Bob is like,

"Now, if that turns red
it means we have a twister."

And they're so excited.

And then there's always someone
in the field.

They got a reporter
in the field.

They're like, "Jennifer,
how is it out there?"

And she's like, "Shitty.
I'm in the middle

of a fucking tornado, asshole.
There's shit flying everywhere.

It's dangerous."
Then they always say

through these reports,
They're like, "Stay safe."

They're like, "Stay safe.
Stay safe. Stay safe."

As if some dad was like,
"Kids! Grab your bikes.

Let's go see a tornado.
Come on!" Right?

And then they always say,
"Keep your pets indoors.

Keep your pets indoors.
Keep your pets indoors."

Again.
As if some dude was like,

[southern accent]
"I wonder...

what a turtle
could do to that thing.

-[laughter]
-[grunts]

Oh, about what I expected."

[normal voice] They're like,
"Chauncy, Go get that twister.

Go get it. Go get it.
Go!"

[laughter]

Did a whole tour of the South.

Uh, yeah,
so I went all over the South.

I went to Nashville, Tennessee

And, uh, yeah,
I played The Grand Ole Opry.

-[cheers]
-Yes.

And now I'm playing
a, uh...

haunted dinner theater,
so this is exciting.

[laughter]

Future Dave & Buster's
right here.

-No.
-[laughter]

"Why would you say that
about this beautiful pl--"

No. Uh...
uh, no, I--

so the Grand Ole Opry.
I mean, it's the birthplace

of country music.
It's literally a church.

It's beautiful and I--
well, I'm a dick.

So, I...walked out on stage
and I was like,

"Good evening.
Don't you idiots realize

that country music sucks?"

[laughter]

Yeah.

They did not like that.
They--

They were upset.
Uh, they were pissed.

One guy stood up in the back
and was like, "Get him!"

-And, uh...
-[laughter]

and that was Garth Brooks.
He's a big fan. Big fan.

Big fan of mine.
Comes to all of my shows.

And, uh, so I said,
"Okay, so here's really why

country music sucks."
There's an instrument

in country music,
you put it in your mouth,

you flick it like this.
It goes, bing bing bing.

Do you guys know what
the name of that instrument is?

-[man shouts indistinctly]
-Thank you for saying it, sir.

We have an anti-Semite here.
It's called a Jew's Harp.

Uh, he's like, [mumbles]
uh, yeah, no,

it's called a Jew's Harp
and I was like,

"You guys need to change
the name of that instrument."

And Garth's like,
"Why?

That's what
they sound like, Joel."

And I'm like, "Shut up, Garth.
You're not helping."

-So...
-[laughter]

[chuckles] so, I--
so then I have to double down

in these situations.
So I went, "Hey, Tennessee,

you guys used to be
a slave state, huh?"

And that's when those fucking
weirdoes started cheering.

-[laughter]
-I know. This is not funny.

This is a report.
We need to go tell news outlets

about this thing that happened.

And, so now they're cheering
and I'm thiswhite

and I realize,
"Well, I've started a rally."

[laughter]

It was like, "Roy Moore,
everybody. Come on out."

And--No.

So now they're cheer--
and so then I have to

triple down on them.
So then I went,

"We had to come down here
and kill you motherfuckers

to stop you from doing it."
And Garth's like,

"Try it again, Joel.
We're ready now!"

[imitates banjo]
All right...

I got in the General Lee
and got out of there, though.

Then I booked a show,
uh, about as far south

as you can go in New Orleans.
Uh, and everyone's like,

"What about Florida?"
Florida? Not a state.

-So, uh...
-[laughter]

Not a part of our country.
Everybody knows that.

They seceded.
Uh, they didn't even know it.

Uh, so, no, so I--
and I play--I played, uh,

the French Quarter
in New Orleans

and I--beautiful French Quarter.
I walked out on stage

and I was just like,
"Good evening, shitty Paris."

-Uh...right?
-[laughter]

Right? 'Cause only in America
would we take

a perfectly preserved
French neighborhood

from 250 years ago
and what do we do with it?

Yeah, titties and beads.
"Yeah, here's my titties,

give me my beads.
Yeah."

That's exa--Yeah, Mardi Gras.

That's exactly how Jesus wanted
Lent to start, right?

[laughter]

He was like, "Here's some beads.
I see your tits.

All right, I'll be back
in 40 days, guys."

-[laughter]
-Very biblical.

Yeah, I walked my kids
down historic Bourbon Street

where I was like,
"Oh, look, kids,

there's the Hustler store.
Yes, that's where--

that's where Napoleon got
his crotchless panties."

And there's a bar on that street
called Big Ass Beers.

-Very French. And, uh...
-[laughter]

my nine year old was like,
"Dad, there's a swear word

in the name of that bar."

And this is the same
nine year old that when

he was watching "The Martian"
on an iPad with headphones

he was like,
"He said 'fuck.'

[laughter]

He said 'fuck' again."

Three-hour plane ride.
It was great.

-Uh...
-[laughter]

Uh, so then I wanted to get
the--I wanted to get the family

out into the Bayou.
Out into the bog.

I wanted to see some gators.
So, uh, I hired a boat

with a big, huge fan
on the back.

It was ridiculous.

And, uh, then I hired
a boat captain

and he looked like
Guy Fieri...'s meth photo.

[laughter]

He was like 6'1", 6'2",
maybe150 pounds.

Uh, flip flops,
boot-cut jeans,

belt buckle, trucker hat,
flames going up his forearms,

an assortment of teeth,
but that...

[laughter]

that box of chocolates
had definitely been picked over.

[laughter]

And, I swear, he was wearing
a plaid, button-down,

collared,
sleevelessshirt

and I was like,
"Boner, check."

[laughter]

And I said to him--
So, this was not cheap

to rent all this stuff,
so I was like,

"Hey, man, are we gonna actually
see any gators

when we get out there?"
And he goes,

"Oh, well...
I hope so."

[laughter]

And I was like, "Foghorn Leghorn
lives, ladies and gentlemen."

Kids, Foghorn Leghorn
was a cartoon back in the 1880s.

Uh, used to open here
for Charlie Chaplin, so it's...

[laughter]

No, so we--we, uh, "Miami Vice"
our way out through the Bayou.

We go, like, six miles
way out there

and the second that Scabby Fieri
cuts the engine...

-[laughter]
-the second he does that,

all the gators
in the Gulf of Mexico

are Michael Phelpsing their way
towards the boat.

[laughter]

I've never been
more terrified in my life.

I just grab my 12 year old
and I was like, "Decoy!

-[laughter]
-Hit it! Let's go!"

Yeah, so these--
'cause these alligat--

they're not dumb.
They see these boats coming

and they know the second
that they stop,

they're going to be fed
and what do you feed alligators?

That's right-- Marshmallows.

Because if the Southern human
population is morbidly obese,

-so should the wildlife.
-[laughter]

It's an air-tight argument.

So here comes this
tsunami wave of luggage

-and...boots.
-[laughter]

People like, "Aww."
It's fake.

No, uh, no, um, so they--
and they don't stop

when they get to the boat.
Like the first round, they--

when they get there,
they want to be fed first.

So they begin ramming
their heads into the boat.

And they're like, "Give me
the fucking marshmallows!

We have nothing
out here like them.

I love 'em. I love 'em.
I love 'em."

[laughter]

Then you start throwing
these marshmallows at them

and they're like Johnny Depp
in "Blow."

They're like, "Oh, yeah!

Give me some marshmallows!
Yeah.

Give me the bag!"

And then--
so then that first round,

they get that sugar buzz,
their eyes glass over,

and their bellies are facing
the sun, they pass out.

Then the next round of gators
use them as a staircase

to get into the actual boat.

Where they're like,
"Don't mind if I do.

Hi, is this your son?"
All right, so...

so after we gave the wildlife...
diabetes...

[laughter]

uh, glassy-eyed Fieri
went to the front of the boat

and he goes,
"So, uh...

y'all staying in New Orleans?"

And I was like, "Yes, we are.
Don't tell him where, kids."

[laughter]

And he goes, "You know,
New Orleans is 12 mile

from here, but I haven't
been there in seven year."

And I was like, "Uh, why?
Why? If I ask 'why,'

do I get to go back
to New Orleans? Why?

Why haven't you been?"

He goes,
"I don't go to New Orleans

because them young, black men
will stab you for nothing."

And I was like,
"Kids, gather 'round,

the racist is giving a talk.

[laughter]

Oh, that's right.
You're already gathered round.

We're on a tiny,
fucking airboat.

We're trapped."
And my 12 year old's like,

"Let's just see
what he has to say, Dad.

-Please continue.
-[laughter]

Oh."
Uh, no, so then--

can't go--so then there's
all these ships along the shore

and they're all rusted out.
Big, old ships.

And he goes, "See that?"
And I was like, "Yeah.

I can see ships and all sorts
of enormous things.

Uh, like stadiums or blimps.

Anyway, I'll keep a list
for you."

Uh, but he just points at me
and he goes,

"Obama."

And I was like,
"Obama's into scraps

since he got out of office?

I thought he was doing
public speaking."

And he was like, "No,
Obama stopped all the oilmen

coming down and put
all them ships out of business."

And I was like, "Oh, I thought
it was from that oil platform

out in the Gulf that caught fire
and fell over and

Mark Wahlberg
did that movie about it."

[laughter]

And he was like,
"Maybe. [spits]"

[laughter]

I told that joke
a couple months ago

and this woman in the front row,
soon as I said it,

she was like,
"'Deep Water Horizon.'

'Deep Water Horizon.'

The name of the Mark Wahlberg
film was 'Deep Water Horizon.'"

And I was like,
"Yeah, nobody thought it was his

'Transformers' movie, lady.

Where they made a last stand
on an oil platform.

The Decepticons knocked it over
and set it on fire."

[laughter]

"Deep Water Horizon."
So...we go--

we finally get back to shore
and we meet his wife.

[whispers] Sister.
[normal voice] And, uh...

[laughter]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

He was like,
"We grew up together."

I'm like, "Yeah, I know.
I can see...[mumbles].

That's why I only got you
one 23andMe.

-Just swab on both."
-[laughter]

"Oh, no you didn't."
Okay, so, uh...

so this is the part where,
um, I was like,

"Oh, the South is the weirdest
place on the planet."

So, uh, so somehow I get a--
I get a signal on my phone

and I'm able to call an Uber
and here comes the Uber

down the dirt road
and I notice driving it

is an older, black gentleman.

So, I'm like, "Oh, shit,
hit the accelerator.

We'll grab on!"

And, so I get in there
and I'm very excited

to talk to him
and I was like,

"You are not gonna believe
what Gaunt Fieri

said back there.

He said that he wouldn't go
in the city for years

because young, black men
will stab you for nothing."

And the older, black gentleman
driving the Uber goes,

"Well...

can't say I don't disagree."

[laughter]

What the fuck is wrong
with the South?

[laughter]

[sighs]
But I, uh, I think, hmm...

I think the wor--
I mean, the South is all right,

but I think the worst
city in America--

I think we all know,
it's on the tip of our tongue,

so let's say it together.
One, two, three,

Denver, Colorado.

See, look at us.
In unison.

Oh, hold on to your hats, guys.

I'm going after Denver.
Yeah, so first of all,

here's why Denver sucks.
First of all,

they built the airport
just outside of Sacramento.

[laughter]

It's, you know,
the Bay Area.

[laughter]

It's so far away.
Now I know that--

now, if you want--
say you need to go to

the San Francisco Airport,
right?

And it's trafficky Tuesday.
How long is that gonna take you?

-[audience member] One hour.
-[audience member] Two hours.

Okay, one hour, two hours.
Clearly you all have

different driving habits, but
let's say an hour and a half.

If you are in Denver and you
want to go to the Denver airport

with no traffic,
pack food, okay?

-[laughter]
-Hydrate.

It is a journey.
When you land there

you can't see
the Rocky Mountains

because the Earth has curved
away from them, all right?

-[laughter]
-Then when you're driving out

of that place,
there is a 100-foot statue

of a evil bronco
and it's called Blucifer.

It's terrifying
and it's got red eyes

and when you drive out of there,
everybody from Colorado

will go,
"Hey, you see that statue?"

And you'll be like,
"Yeah, I can see that

and other big stuff
like ships--"

-All right, never mind.
-[laughter]

And everyone will tell you.
They'll go like,

"Well, you know the artist
who built that,

while he was building it,
fell off and died."

And you'll be like,
"Great story.

I hope you have more
fun Colorado lore like that

for our six-hour journey
into Denver.

[laughter]

Ugh, so I like the--I mean,
I like the Denver Broncos.

I mean, they're not my team,
but, uh,

but I like that Peyton Manning
a lot

because he won the Super Bowl
at the age of 81.

-And, uh...
-[laughter]

his head fell off
like two times.

And here's my impression of
Peyton Manning playing football.

[grunts]
That's it. All right, uh...

[laughter]

It's not because
he was so good at football

that I like him so much,
it's because of what he did

after he won the Super Bowl
because it's exactly

what I would do if I won
the Super Bowl.

So he won,
people are going nuts,

he walks back out on the field,
there's the ESPN reporter,

he shoves the microphone
in Peyton's face,

he's like, "Peyton,
you just won the Super Bowl,

how do you feel?"
And Peyton without pausing

just goes, "I feel like
a Bud Light, Jim."

[laughter]

Fucking sell it, dude.
That's right!

That's exactly what I would do.
Yeah, he should've kept going.

He should've been like,
"I'm also gonna take

some Lipitor
and I'm going to Petco. See ya."

-[laughter]
-Right?

And if he had
really thought about it,

he would've brought that
Papa John's guy out with him.

-[laughter]
-That wonderful guy.

The Papa John's--
you know him.

He removed all the skin
from his face

and then he killed a baby,
skinned the baby,

and wrapped the baby skin
around his skull.

Two black rocks for eyes.
Yeah, boner, check, again.

Anyway, uh, I always thought
there was a ton of, like,

sexual tension in their
Papa John's commercials,

so they should've capped it off
with them walking

to the 50-yard line
and just fucking

and getting it
over with right there.

Just been like, "Four toppings!"
So, uh...

[laughter]

then if Peyton wanted
to seal his legacy,

he would've walked
into the end zone,

knelt down,
pulled out a short sword,

and stabbed himself
like a Samurai warrior

and died right there just going,
"Drink...Coke...Zero."

-Dead.
-[laughter]

Statue at the airport.
All my ideas are good.

Uh, so then I played a show
in Vail, Colorado

where the people are as white
as you.

-No, uh...
-[laughter]

they're--
they're whiter than you.

And, uh--no, they're as white
as the slopes

and I played a private mountain.

That's how rich
these people were.

There were guard gates,
there were heated sidewalks,

there was escalators
going up to the chairlifts,

and the chairlifts had bubbles.
Like, Plexiglass bubbles.

It was fucking nice.

It was like a James Bond
villain's lair

and Papa John was their master.
Where he was like,

"Bring me more baby skin."
Anyway, uh...

so I played this beautiful,
hand-built cedar theater.

It was beautiful.
And, so, they were super rich.

So I decided to walk on stage--
and so I was just like,

"Good evening, one percent."

And they were like,
"Good evening, Joel.

-How are you?
-[laughter]

Bald eagle drumstick?
Don't mind if I do.

[munching]
I ate the bone."

[laughter]

And then I was like,
"So, did you guys

vote for Trump?"
And they were like,

"[chuckling]

Of course we did.
Is that a rhetorical question?

We love money!
[chuckling]"

And all their monocles
fell out at once.

-[laughter]
-And they were like,

"Pick that up, Jeeves,
with your teeth."

So I'm doing the show
and I notice that there are

six security guards
surrounding the stage.

I've never had more security
in my life and I--

I mean, here--
there's no security.

You can walk right up
and bite my dick if you wanted.

-[laughter]
-Do it. Just give it a bite.

I don't care.
You could horribly maim me

right now.
Just terrible.

Right?
So, okay, uh, well, later.

-Yeah, later. Talk to you later.
-[laughter]

No, so I don't--it was crazy.
I was like,

"I've never had more security
in my life."

I was like, "What happens if
I don't entertain you

up to the level you are
accustomed to?

Do you rush the stage
and rip my limbs off

and drink my blood
to become younger again?"

And I was like,
"Because I'm gonna outrun you

since you're all very old.

You've all had
hip replacement surgery

and there's gonna be more
clicking noise

than the Smoke Monster
from Lost.

-[laughter]
-And then I realized

the security was not there
to protect me.

It was to protect them.

That's how rich
these people were

because they didn't know
who I was.

Can you believe that?

-[laughter]
-They didn't know who I was.

I was on Parks and Rec
for six years.

[cheers and applause]

I wasn't on fucking
Parks and Rec.

-[laughter]
-People are like,

"We loved you
on Parks and Rec."

I was on a show
called Commodity.

-It was on CNBC.
-[cheers and applause]

Cheering for me
on Parks and Rec.

"I thought that might be
Billy Eichner."

-What the--No, so...
-[laughter]

I don't know
who they thought I was.

They were like,
"Oh, this is that comedian

who pulls his dick out
and just does

the sprinkler the whole time

and then this guy comes up
and bites it."

No, but this happened--
someone not knowing

who I was
on a much larger scale.

I did an article
for the Los Angeles Times,

which is a small paper
south of here,

and, uh, it was a fascinating
series of articles

where comedians and actors
would drive a reporter around

and show them their
favorite places in Los Angeles.

Fascinating.

Pulitzer-Prize winning stuff,
guys.

It's on display
at the Library of Congress.

Now, anyway, I'm a
half an hour into this interview

and the guy's been
asking me all sorts of questions

and then--this was like a year
after The Soup

was off the air,
and so the guy goes,

"So, where do you find
all the clips?"

And I was like,
"Well, when we didfind them,

uh, we would turn on the TV,
usually to a reality show

based in Atlanta,
and a group of married women

would go to dinner, get drunk,
and then fight each other

and then there would be
a reunion show about that fight.

Then we'd show that clip,
and they would come out to me,

I would make a joke,
the show would be over,

I would go home,
and masturbate through my pocket

-like Mike Pence. So, uh...
-[laughter]

And he goes,
"Oh, 'cause I thought you got

all the clips
from the Internet."

And I was like,
"No, we got some of them

from the Internet, but no."

And then he goes,
"So...

how's Comedy Central
treating you?"

And I was like,
"Well, when I turn it on,

-uh...
-[laughter]

I'll watch
a Workaholicsrerun

and that treats me great
'cause it's really funny

and then I'm ready to go to bed.

It's been half an hour
and I'm ready to go."

-So, anyway, uh...
-[laughter]

So then I realize
what was going on.

So I said,
"Hey, Mr. Reporter Man,

just for fun,
say my first name out loud."

and he goes,
"Okay, Daniel."

-[laughter, groaning]
-Yeah...

and I went, "Tosh. Exactly.

That is my name.
Daniel Tosh."

[laughter]

Because I realized
at that moment

that I had...
[whispers] an opportunity.

[laughter]

So I went, "I, Daniel Tosh,
shall now continue

showing you...
my favorite places

-in Los Angeles."
-[laughter, cheers]

So I'm like, "Oh, look,
here's my favorite alley

to molest children in.
Me. Daniel Tosh.

Child molester.
Oh, and when I'm done,

I throw them in this dumpster.
Daniel Tosh's murder dumpster."

The article turned out
great, you guys.

[laughter]

But I think, hmm...
I think the weirdest state

in our country--
It's not Florida,

'cause everyone knows,
again, not a state,

-and, uh...
-[laughter]

I think it's a territory
at this point.

They'll get there.
But, anyway, uh,

No, I think the weirdest state--
So let's say it together

on the count of three.
One, two, three, Utah.

-[man] Portland!
-Uh...

-I heard a guy yell "Portland."
-[laughter]

Yeah, Stanford grad?
Uh...

[laughter, cheers]

Well, I live in East Palo Alto,
so that can't--No, uh...

[chuckles] Portland.

Ah, Portland state, yes.

Anyway, uh,
what am I talking about?

Oh, right, so Utah.

You guys,
whatever you shouted out,

-other than Portland...
-[laughter]

"Maybe it's Spokane."
No, no, when I-I said "Utah,"

I saw the looks on your faces.
You all went, "Oh, yup.

It absolutely is the weirdest--"
It's weird 'cause when

you meet someone from Utah,
they'll be like,

"I'm from Utah."
And we all go,

-"Hmm, okay."
-[laughter]

No, so Utah--
look, I love...

I love Utah.
I love the Mormons.

I'm fascinated by them.
I love doing shows there.

I was in Salt Lake
and I walked out on stage

and I was like,
"Good evening, weirdoes."

And in unison
back at me they were like,

"Good evening, Joel.
How are you?

-[laughter]
-You look like us.

-[laughter]
-Join us!"

Uh, they have the wackiest
liquor laws in the country.

And, uh, this is the--
if you go to a bar in Salt Lake,

you will see no bottles
of booze displayed,

you will see no beer
being poured,

'cause it all has to be poured
behind something called

the Zion Curtain.
I am not making this up.

You really cannot mix drinks
in front of people.

I don't know why--
what the logic is--

maybe they think like,
"Well, if they don't see

the drinks being made,
they'll never be able

to duplicate that at home,
right?"

A person's like,
"How did they get the rum

in the Diet Coke?
I'll never know.

[laughter]

It's too complicated
to attempt, right?

It's dangerous."
It's a Harry Potterspell.

You have to learn Elven.

So, the other thing they have
is that you cannot order

two drinks at once.
You cannot walk up to a bar

and go,
"I'll have a whiskey sour

and my mate will have
a prosecco."

They will look at you and go,
"Get the fuck out, addict."

And, uh, Intervention.
So, no--

this is how they get around it.
If you order a shot and a beer,

they will walk up to your table
with those drinks,

hand you the shot,
and then go like,

"Come on."
Then you do the shot.

Then they'll hand you the beer
because that solves alcoholism.

-Right?
-[laughter]

When you have a waiter going,
like, "Come on, dude,

I have other customers.
Drink it."

So then--then they also--
they can't drink coffee.

And I was like,
"Guys, coffee?

I mean, I get booze a little,
but coffee?

What is wrong with coffee?"

And a dude screamed out.
He was like,

"It's the temperature of hell,
Joel!"

-And I was like...
-[laughter]

"C minus on the joke, dude."

And--but I swear
there were a few people

in the audience who were like,
"Well, you know that's true.

It's actually true.
Satan gave an interview.

It's true.
It was in The Economist."

And I'm like,
"Okay, can you have cold brew?"

And they were like, "Oh, Joel,
God knows that cold brew

was hot at one point.
You can't trick God, dummy.

[gasps]
Sorry for cursing."

-[laughter]
-And I went, "Okay...

but you all have--"
And they all--

then I was like,
"But you can drink Pepsi.

You all have Pepsi
in front of you.

that's got a bunch
of caffeine in it.

How come you can
drink that?"

And I found out in 2012
BYU said it was okay

to have as much sugar soda
as you wanted,

and Pepsi won.
So, uh, they all had Pepsi

in front of them. I was like,
"Okay, riddle me this.

What if you are a Mormon
construction worker

and it's the summertime.
It's August 15th

and you get to the job site
at 6:00 a.m.

and you go--and it's super--
it's a little cool out.

You've got a Pepsi.
You forget about it.

It's on your dash
against the windshield.

You go work in the hot,
Mormon sun for nine hours

and you come back to your truck,
you are super thirsty,

but all the windows
are rolled up and that truck

is now an oven and that Pepsi
is easily the temperature

of a hot cup of coffee.

Can...you...drink it?"

[laughter]

-[chuckles] They went silent.
-[laughter]

One dude stood up in the back
and went, "Fuck."

Boom!
And blew his head off.

-Right there.
-[laughter]

Just brains everywhere.
Yeah, true story.

This is also in the documentary.
No, uh...[chuckles]

and then, of course,
Garth Brooks was like,

"Get him!"
And I was like, "Garth!"

[laughter]

So I got all these tweets
the next day from all--

all these members
of that audience

and seven of them in a row
were from this dad

who's like, "I want to thank you
for your discussion

of warmed,
caffeinated beverages.

It sparked a conversation
between my daughter and I

about atheism.
#heatedpepsi"

-And I was like, "I'm a God."
-[laughter]

I think, hmm...
I think the worst country

on the planet--
I think we all know.

Let's say it together.
One, two, three.

-Canada. Uh...
-[laughter]

[chuckles] One dude
in the back, "Portland?"

-No, uh...
-[laughter]

Canada.
Here's why Canada sucks--

I'll explain.
I'm half Canadian,

so I can make fun of them.
The lower half.

It a smooth kitchen counter.
Uh, it's just nothing.

It's wipeable, though.
Uh, no, here's why--

I mean, look, I think Can--
I think Americans have

this weird attitude
about Canada.

I think secretly
Americans think this:

Like, if we all
got in buses right now

and drove the 13 hours
up to Vancouver

and got out and just went,
"Hey, this is ours."

I think we all would think
the Canadians would be like,

[Canadian accent] "Sorry. Sorry.
All right, sorry.

You're right. Sorry.
We'll see you later.

Sorry. Can I have my--
Okay, you can have my phone.

Sorry. Alanis Morissette
will be very upset.

So sorry."

[normal voice] So that's what
I think Americans

kinda think about. It's like,
"It's a state, right?"

"Well, it could be."
So, uh...

that's what I think,
but it's a weird thing

because we see our
national weather forecast

and we see that weird curve line
going across the top

of our country
and we're all like,

"Yeah, that's Canada there."
And then you start

moving up through it
and you're like--

and then it kinda breaks up.

I don't know what it becomes.
Narnia?

-Maybe. I don't know.
-[laughter]

All I know is that
once you leave Narnia

you walk past
Santa Claus, right?

And then...
then you're speaking Russian.

-Right? So...
-[laughter]

but I do think the White Walkers
are gonna come running

out of there at some point,
so...

we need a wall up there, too.
Who's with me?

-MAGA. So...
-[laughter]

so most Canadians,
they're very cool

and, uh, they're--
they can be a simple people--

which I'll explain,
but they're very cool.

So I did a show in Winnipeg.

Here's a quick quiz.
Winnipeg, city or province?

-[man] both.
-[overlapping answers]

Ooph. [chuckles]
This is--Okay...

there's two Canadians here.

There was a common answer,
was, "Both.

Nailed it again."
No!

In North Carolina they were
like, "Who cares?"

And I'm like,
"Okay, okay, okay.

Very nice."
Yes, well...

it is a city
in the province of...

Westeros.
Nice job.

-So, uh...
-[laughter]

Here's a fun, fun fact
about Winnipeg,

it is the murder capital
of Canada.

Eighteen people have been
killed there

since the beginning
of the country.

[laughter]

And four of those
were polar bears

'cause they
used to count as people.

I'll explain it later.

Anyways, so I walked out
on stage in Winnipeg.

I was like, "Winnipeg.
Murder capital of Canada."

And those weirdoes started
cheering.

They're like,
"Yeah, whoo! We did it!"

And the same thing
happened in St. Louis--

The most dangerous city
in America.

I walked out there
and I was like,

"St. Louis, the most dangerous
city in America."

Those fucking weirdoes
started cheering.

They were like,
"Yeah! We did it!"

And I was like, "You should not
be proud of that!"

-[laughter]
-And they were like,

"Well, we're not number two.
You know, those losers Oakland.

Yeah, we did it again.
Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam!"

-[laughter]
-True story.

No, okay, so...
so the Winnipegians are actual--

they are murderers.
Here's why.

Four years ago--
a week after New Years,

it was colder in Winnipeg
than it was on Mars.

I'm not joking.
Look it up--

when they give you
your phones back.

[whispers] Never.
And, uh...

no, it was colder there
than Mars.

I mean, Matt Damon would've
walked out and dropped dead

and my kid would've been like,
"He said 'fuck.'"

-[laughter]
-Right?

This is why they're murderers.
What did the people

of Winnipeg do
when it was colder there

than Mars differently?

Nothing.
They sent their kids to school.

They were just like,
"Run."

[laughter]

They're like,
"It's fine. We have four.

We'll get some back.
It's fine."

So, uh, so I--I did the sh--
I'm being driven

from, uh, the theater
to the hotel

and, you know,
'cause I'm fancy.

I mean, look at these shoes.
[mumbles]

So, anyway, uh, so, and then--
this is the simple part

that I'm talking about.
So, the driver, he--

we're going on our way
and all of a sudden he stops

in the middle
of an intersection.

Not at the light.

In the center
of the intersection

and he cuts the engine
and he turns back to me

and he goes,
"Do you know what this is?"

And I was like, "The last
two minutes of my life?

[laughter]

You fucking murderer."

This is the simple part.
He goes, "No...

this is
the windiest intersection...

in North America."

[laughter]

And I was like,
"Oh, my gosh!

Of course!
It's in all the guide books.

Rick Steves did that special
on it.

Look at
all the tourists everywhere!

Lining the streets to get a peek
at the wind.

Wow! Oh, and I brought
this bag of flour with me.

Take some photos of me
in wind."

And he's like,
"You're fucking dead."

No, uh,
so those are the nice Canadians.

The assholes of Canada
are the people of...

-Montreal.
-[man] Portland!

[chuckles] Yeah.
Mon--The people of Quebec.

I don't know
if you know this about them,

they speak French
which they will remind you of

every second that they are
on this planet.

And they already hate you
because you don't speak French.

And even if you do,
you're doing it wrong.

Right? So, if you're in Montreal
and you walk into a Starbucks--

or as the Mormons call it,
Satan's Gasoline Station...

[laughter]

if you walk in there
and you don't attempt

to speak French--
If you just walk in and go,

"Hi, I'd like a vanilla
Frappuccino, please."

The French Canadian will go,
"Hm?

[laughter]

[French Canadian accent]
"Ze...repeat?

Um...say...uh...
what, um...

dri--uh...mmm?
No, I--I point?

Stop...finger? No?
Mm, sorry.

Bye-bye, Yankee.
Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye."
-[laughter]

[normal voice] They'll pretend
not to understand you.

But if you walk in
and attempt French--

I know one phrase which is,
"Pardon me...

I don't speak French."
And, so, if you walk in and go,

"Uh, pardon...
[speaks broken French]"

The French Canadian will go,
"That's fine.

-What would you like?"
-[laughter]

-Dicks! So...
-[laughter]

I was in a restaurant
in Montreal last summer

and the server was telling us
the specials in French

and I'm just looking at her
and she goes,

"Oh, I'm sorry, English?"

And I go, "No, Japanese,
you fucking racist!"

-[laughter]
-Got her!

So I pissed off
the French Canadians

on a much grander scale.

I hosted a television special
that was broadcast

throughout all of Canada.
So, tens of people saw it.

[laughter]

And two herds of caribou.
They fucking love it.

They were ringing their bells.
Anyway, uh, so...

this was like
this big, huge theater.

Uh, it was like this--

there was smoke
and there was sets

and there was lights
and there was cameras.

It was very exciting.
I was wearing a suit.

And I walk out,
and I, being the dick that I am,

I thought I'd start the show
like this.

I walked out and went,
"Good evening, Toronto."

[laughter, groaning]

-That's when shit got real.
-[laughter]

I have never been
in a more hostile crowd.

I don't even know
what to compare it to.

If I had walked out and went,
"What's up, Fresno."

I don't know.
I don't know what--

I don't know what it is.
So, they were like,

"Fuck you, Joel McHale!
Fuck you!

Fuck you, motherfucker!"
And I was like,

"Toronto is in your country!"

They were like, "We fucking hate
them like we fucking hate you.

They don't speak French.
You don't speak French.

Fuck you. I'm fucking
your mother by the way."

-And, um...
-[laughter]

They were throwing shit at me.

But, of course,
they're so arrogant

they're only throwing
French products.

It's like, Vuarnet sunglasses
and Renault auto parts

and Gérard Depardieu's body
flopped on stage at one point.

They're like, "That's you when
I'm finished with your mother."

So the weirdest moment
of my life happened.

We had to do a redo.
We started over again.

It was bizarre.
It was like the--

It was like a
Twilight Zoneepisode.

I went backstage,
lights turned off,

they calmed the audience down,
they had to re-introduce me.

Lights, cameras,
all that crap.

I walked back out
and I'm like,

"Good evening, Montreal."

And then this
was their reaction.

As soon as I said that
they were like this.

They were like,
"Hm?

[laughter]

[whispers]
I fucked your mother."

-So, fuck those people.
-[laughter]

[chuckles] I can't wait
to tell that joke in Montreal.

Oh,
I'm really enjoying San Jose.

Uh, I'm staying, uh,
at a hotel right down--

here in downtown
and, uh, you know,

lots--this is a busy day
and all that

so I wanted to take
a little time yesterday.

I wanted to go--
I wanted to go get a massage.

So I went to the concierge
and I was like,

"Hey, man, is there
a spa around here

that I can go
to get a massage?"

And he was like,
"Welp, You hop on the highway,

you go to Los Gatos,
and, uh..."

[laughter]

"Where the rich people live?"

-And I was like--
-[laughter]

And he goes,
"And there's a thing called

the Los Gatos Spa--"
or a Spa--

whatever it was and I was like,
"Why do I have to drive

20 minutes to get to a spa?
Isn't there one

within walking distance?"
and he was like, "Well...

-uh...
-[laughter]

you could do that, uh...

but right at the end
of the massage, uh...

-and, uh..."
-[laughter]

-[cheers]
-And I was like,

"No wonder the streets
are empty in San Jose.

[laughter]

"How was your massage?"
"It was a crime."

-[laughter]
-"Oh, great, you tip 'em?"

"Yeah. Oh, yeah."
No, uh...

-[sighs]
-[laughter]

So, uh,
what a weird transition.

-I'm a father. Uh...
-[laughter]

but I have this--
I have this--

There's this thing where
if you have, like, a skill--

like, if you're a golf pro
or something,

You--it just happens that
you end up taking your kids

to, like, the golf range
and they learn

how to swing the golf club.

I'm a professional dick
and my kids now are dicks.

-And...because of me.
-[laughter]

And I can now give you
six or seven hundred examples

of their behavior.
So, settle in.

-Uh...
-[laughter]

So their names
are Eddie and Isaac

and Eddie is tall and older

and Isaac is shorter
and younger.

It makes sense, but, uh,
I was on this show

two years ago
called The Great Indoors

-on CBS and--
-[man] Whoo-hoo!

That's exactly the reaction
that I've always wanted.

[laughter]

Where people are like...
[silent]

[whispers]
"What? The great what?

I don't--I don't--
Just...just whoo.

Just whoo. Just whoo.
[whoos]

[laughter]

I think--I don't think he
noticed that we don't know

what he's talking about."
So, uh...

So, uh, this was--
so, I--that show got cancelled

and you're like,
"Shocker."

-And, um...
-[laughter]

and the show was cancelled
and I-I came home

the day it was cancelled
and Eddie answered the door.

And he opened the door
and he was like,

"Jobless Joel is home."

[laughter]

Oh yeah-- For, like, two months
after that I was like,

"Eddie, go feed the dogs."
He's like, "Why don't you?

You don't have a job."
I'm like, "What the--"

[laughter]

And this is the perfect
encapsulation of my kids.

So I--as I said,
I'm a Seahawks fan

and they were playing
the Raiders in the pre-season.

The Raiders were winning.
Of course my kids

weren't actually watching
the game,

they were playing fucking
Fortniteand, uh--

Don't worry,
we weaned them off that

and put 'em on something
less addictive--heroin,

and, uh, it's way cheaper,
anyway...

this is the per--
this is perfect encapsulation

of their behav--So I
leaned over and I was just like,

"Raiders scored again."
And Isaac was like,

-"Shit."
-[laughter]

And Eddie goes,
"Fuck their moms."

-And I'm like, "Great. Okay.
-[laughter]

Great."
And, so, Isaac is a little--

he's a little different
like, than Eddie.

So sometimes people will
come up to me

and they'll want to get
a picture with me

and then we'll have
a little chat

and maybe they'll get a video
and they're like,

"We love you, Matthew Lillard.
You were so great as...

-[laughter]
-so great in Scooby Doo.

You're so funny."
And I'm like, "Hey...

any port in the storm, baby."
So, uh...

so then they'll walk away
and Isaac always hangs back

when that's happening.
As soon as they walk away

Isaac will come up and go, like,
"Oh, hey, Dad,

-was that your fan?
-[laughter]

They a big fan
of your work, Dad?

Are they gonna remember that
for a long time?"

And I'm like, "What the fuck?
It's my job."

And he's like,
"Scary Daddy voice."

-And he runs away.
-[laughter]

And then we had
a Super Bowl party last year

and I know
a lot of funny people.

I-I'm bragging and so--

and Isaac loves football
and my friend Boyd,

who's a very successful
Hollywood writer,

uh, comedy,
he was sitting behind Isaac

and he made some joke about,
uh, about the Patriots

or something
and Isaac just goes,

"Hey, check out
the guy behind me making jokes."

[laughter]

And Boyd's like,
"I'll show myself out

and try not to burst out crying
before I reach my Mercedes."

And--and then
the halftime show is happening

and Isaac's sitting on the couch
and my friend David

is sitting next to him.
And David is a showrunner.

He literally tells funny people
what to write.

That's how funny he is,
and David's like,

"Hey, Isaac,
I bet you got a bunch

of Justin Timberlake posters,
huh?"

And Isaac, without pausing,
just goes,

"I guarantee my room
is bigger than yours."

[laughter]

"I pass the sword to you,
my son.

-[laughter]
-Go forth, be a dick."

Oh...so this was when
the kids were really little

and we were driving from
L.A. to San Francisco

to go see
the Homosexuals play and...

[laughter]

and they played the Bears
so...

[laughter]

it was actually super hot.
It was...

it was very sensual.
So much hair.

-Anyway, uh...
-[laughter]

so, uh, so we--as you--
as you know,

the Central Valley
of California,

there's not a lot going on.

It's--It's like
The Book of Eliall the time.

-[laughter]
-It's just Denzel Washington

in sunglasses stabbing people
so they don't take his stuff.

And, uh, and then
there's that one In-N-Out Burger

in the middle of the state.
I think that's the dividing line

between Southern
and Northern California.

This one In-N-Out Burger
and it's weird

'cause the people coming
from L.A., soon as you eat it,

and then you get back
in your car, you drive by

the largest slaughterhouse
in America.

So you're like,
"What have I done?!"

And then I'm sure
when you guys drive down,

you drive past it first
and you must be like,

"Don't stop. Keep going.
I just want some salad."

And then, uh...

so we stop and I sit down
with Isaac in the bassinette

and Eddie and my wife
go into the bathroom together.

He's three.
And they're in there

and into the restaurant walks
a little person.

And, uh, she is very little.

She's probably my age,
but very little.

And she walks by
the bathroom door

just as Eddie is walking out.

He sees her and goes,
"What is that?!"

[laughter, groaning]

-But louder.
-[laughter]

And my wife,
being the sensitive one,

bursts out laughing.

And I'm like,
"It's time to go. Right now."

And I grab my family
and Eddie's like,

"Yeah, we should go,
but what is that?!"

Thank you so much, San Jose!
Thank you, Bay Area!

Thank you, Northern California!
God bless you!

Love you, guys!

-[cheers and applause]
-Good night! Thank you!

Thank you, guys!
Thanks for coming!

See you later!
Good night!

[cheers and applause]

[Joel] Thank you!
I'm still talking!

Thank you!

I'm still going!
Yeah, thank you!

Good night, everybody!

I still have my microphone
in my hand!

It still works!
Good night! Get outta here!

Go drink some more!

[cheers and applause]