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[man] Ladies and gentlemen, Joel McHale!

[cheers and applause]

All right. All right.

Yeah. Yeah.

What the fuck? What the--

Yeah!

Yeah! This is the entire special.

Yes.

I'm very insecure so that is helpful.

-Good evening, San Jose. -[cheers]

Yeah, do another five minutes of that.

Yeah.

San Jose, it's one of my favorite cities.

-[man] Ha! -What the fuck?

It's your city! Already--Ah.

No, I--I love the night life.

-Uh... -[laughter]

It's not like a horror-movie set where you walk out

and you're like, "Where is everyone?"

I feel like Ben Affleck in The Town.

Like, "What happened?" Oh, no, I like it.

Is there, like, a curfew or something?

-[laughter] -You have to be indoors?

What happens? Is there a monster?

Ugh. No, I lo--I-I--

Hey, you got that NHL team, right?

-Hey, the Sharks. -[audience cheers]

Wow, so much enthusiasm. You're so excited.

-You're like, "They're fine." -[laughter]

Uh, I think the Sharks is a really good name

for the team because the sharks, you know,

they're just a few miles away in the water.

Uh, it's hard to keep the mascot alive at games,

but still...uh... that's the--

I looked up the Sharks-- I did a lot of research,

and it's actually-- so in '91 when the team,

uh, came here, that actually wasn't

the first choice of name. It wasn't the name that won.

The name that won was the Blades.

Ah, see, I know stuff that you don't know.

-Ha ha ha ha. Smart. -[laughter]

And they would not allow that name because they said

"Blades" has a gang connotation. And I was like,

"What gang is only using knives?"

-[laughter] -Maybe it's like a cool gang

that uses throwing knives or something?

But blades are on the bottom of the skates,

so what the--Do they wear skates on their hands?

They're like, "Get him!" No, I don't--

They should just change it to the San Jose Gang Members.

[laughter]

No, I'm from Seattle, so I like the Seahawks.

"Fuck you, Joel!" And, uh--

-[audience boos] -Yeah, no it's fi--

Look, I-- I'll tell you in a second, uh,

but, um...uh, no, look, I love the Seahawks

and people are like, "Well, what's a seahawk?"

And I'm like, "I don't know. It's a fish or a bird.

It's magical. Who knows?"

-[laughter] -I know you guys are 49er fans.

-Right? Yes? -[audience cheers]

There we go. Kind of? Weird.

People like, "No." So, I think--Look, I love--

I like the 49ers. I want the 49ers to be good.

They will be. Someday.

-Sorry. "Kill him!" No. -[laughter]

Here's what I think they should do.

They need to change the name because what's a "49er"?

It's a weird, old dude with a hat turned up

and a big beard, squatting in a creek going,

-"I found a shiny rock!" -Right?

-[laughter] -No one's intimidated by that.

They should change it to the San Francisco Homosexuals.

-[laughter] -Think about it. See?

-[cheers and applause] -See what I mean?

All the idea-- So, here--Here's why.

It is what San Francisco is known for...

and it is what they are proud of, right?

And think how intimidating that would be...

[laughter]

for the rest of the league, right?

Say they go show up to play, I don't know, the Texans, right?

-[laughter] -Which is a very creative name.

Uh, so imagine the San Francisco Homosexuals

showing up and they're like, "Hey, yeah, how's it going?

Yeah, we're gonna beat you, then we're gonna fuck you.

-You're first." -[laughter]

♪ All my ideas are good

So, I like it here. It's weird, I think--

Well, I'm a little upset with you people,

uh, which I'll explain.

'Cause whenever you ask people from where you guys live,

you're like, "Where you from?"

You all go, "Northern California."

That narrows it down.

Like, I just assume,

"Oh, they must live by Mount Shasta."

That's it, 'cause-- 'cause it's--there's a lot.

Redding? I don't know.

Uh, Chico? There's a place, but, uh...

-[laughter] -And then you're like,

"Okay, no, where do you live in Northern California?"

Then you all go, "The Bay Area."

Okay, great! Again!

-[cheers and applause] -Narrowing it way down.

I was like, "Do you think I'm gonna

try to find your house and rob you?

Why won't you tell me where you live?!"

Uh, most people just say the city they're from!

I think it's because secretly you, like,

you think it's really cool being from the Bay Area,

but you're kind of embarrassed by the city you're from.

-[laughter] -Right?

They're like, "Where you from?" "Bay Area."

"No, what city?" [deflated] "Livermore.

[laughter, cheers]

Shut up." [chuckles]

"What city you from?" [deflated] "Gilroy.

-[laughter, cheers] -It's the garlic capital

of the world. Garlic Festival.

I know everyone else grows wine, but we make garlic.

It smells." And then I'm very confused.

What's Bay Area, what's not Bay Area?

So--So Livermore, is that considered Bay Area?

-[audience] Yes! -Barely, right?

-[audience] Yes! -Obviously Stockton is not.

-"Fuck those guys!" -[laughter]

-Uh, is Walnut Creek? -[audience] Yes!

It's far from the bay, okay?

People are like, "Meh, maybe, we'll decide later.

I control the whole thing. I'm from San Mateo."

-[laughter] -When people are like,

"Oh, where'd you grow up?" "Berkeley."

"Really?" "Hm, Alameda."

-So, uh... -[laughter]

"It's got a great airport!"

All right, uh, okay. Okay, so, let's--

We just--before-- all right, we just

have to talk about...

himfor just a second.

-[audience shouting] No! -Yes, see? Here we go.

Yes, we just-- you know, the most famous

redhead on the planet. Prince Harry!

-Ugh, so cute! -[women screaming]

Ugh, Meghan, I love her. Kate and her fighting.

Anyways. Uh, no..

we gotta just talk about Trump for just a second.

-[audience booing] -We--I know. I know.

Look, in Bakersfield, totally different reaction.

-Uh... -[laughter]

No, I'm not kidding. As soon as I brought him up,

they're like, "Great!"

Yes, 'cause Bakersfield is the one red zit

on the blue ass... of California.

-[cheers and applause] -Big Bakersfield fans.

And I--He says shit out loud. I mean, you know this.

When he started I was like-- he would say shit out loud

that I'd go, "Oh, I didn't know you could

say that and get away with it and now

I'm gonna say the same thing." I'm just gonna say shit.

Like he had this press conference two years ago

and so much happens every day. It's like four days of news

for every one day. So, this was actually...

-36 years ago. -[laughter]

And, uh, there was this big press conference

and there was a Jewish reporter and you could tell he was Jewish

because he had the, uh...

horns. Thank you. And, uh...

-[laughter] -Holy shit.

Anti-Semite right here, guys.

Wow. Bakersfield, right? Yeah, I get it.

Uh, no, I mean--No--

Yes, he was wearing the yarmulke

because that keeps the horns moist.

Uh, everybody knows that. Because if they get dry

they can fucking tear out a ceiling.

-[laughter] -What am I talking about?

All right, uh...no, so this Jewish reporter

stood up and he was like, "President Trump,

since you've taken office, attacks on synago--"

And before he could finish, Trump just goes,

"Sit down, liar. Next question."

I'm like... "I'm gonna do that to my family.

-[laughter] -This is great!"

But--No, so Trump's not the guy that scares me.

The guy that really scares me is Mike Pence.

-[audience groans] -Yeah, see?

All the liberals are like, "Fucking sock it to him

right now, Joel. Fucking nail him!"

Uh, no, it's actually for not the reasons you think.

Uh, here's why. He gave an interview

two years before he became, uh, the vice president

and, uh, he answered all these questions.

And, just to let you know, when you're in an interview,

you don't have to answer anything.

I was on third-tier cable for 12 years and--

-[cheers and applause] -Thank you.

Thanks for remembering. Oh, yes.

That was me, but anyway, uh...

yeah, and when you are asked a question

you don't want to answer, all you have--

I was just-- pretended I was on a game show

and went, "Pass!" But, uh...

you don't have to answer anything.

He decided to answer it. I don't know why.

And he said in this interview, and I quote,

that he would not go to dinner

with a female colleague alone.

That sounds like a serial killer...

[laughter]

trying not to murder again, right?

Why would you say that? And why would you say it

in that way unless you're a serial killer.

He's like, "Oh, you know what happens.

I get the reservation, we're alone,

and I'm just like, 'Ahhh.'

Okay, I put her skin on.

I just put on a skin." Ugh, ooh...

uh, then he said, in this same interview,

and I was like, "You didn't have to say this."

But he said this in the same interview,

that he would not go to a party

where they're serving alcohol without his wife.

That is someone who has fucked up, right?

-[laughter] -Why would you say it out loud?

Right? Even if you did, why even mention it?

Maybe to let your wife know, "It's not gonna happen again."

I don't know. Or maybe it was an affirmation

of some sorts? I don't know, like,

you didn't walk in tonight and go, like,

"At no point during the show will I put straws up my butt."

We'd be like, "Okay, Bob, but why would you

-say that out loud?" -[laughter]

Because Bob used to put straws up his butt.

I just want the security footage

from that party where he fucked up.

Where he walked in and was like, "Oh, hi. Hi. Oh, is my wi--

Oh, she's not? Oh, there's a bar.

It's pussy time!" Right?

-[laughter] -That's in it, too.

He said, "Pussy time." Yeah, he did. No.

Here's the other thing that freaks me out

about Mike Pence. He does this thing where--

Watch him publicly speak, okay? Just wa--

Like, the next speech he gives or the next interview he gives,

he won't stop smiling.

Watch him. He's always smiling.

'Cause I think it's 'cause secretly he is afraid

and terrified of public speaking

and to keep himself comfortable while he's doing it,

he just very subtly massages the tip of his penis...

-[laughter] -while he's talking.

Watch him! He'll be like...

[laughter]

[groans]

It's disgusting. It's disgusting.

That's all I'm gonna do on them.

But I did-- all right, so soon...

soon as Trump was elected I only booked in red states...

[whispers] and Bakersfield. And, uh...

-[laughter] -And I just booked shows

in red states 'cause I wanted to meet everyone.

And, so, I booked a show in Oklahoma.

In Oklahoma City.

I mean, fuck, patient zero, right?

-So, uh... -[laughter]

so I walk out on stage and I'm like,

"Good evening. Did you guys vote for Trump?"

And they began booing loudly.

Like booing and hissing.

They were very upset and so I went,

"Oh, I thought you guys did because Ivoted for him."

And they were like, "Oh, you did?

Well, of course we voted for him.

We were just being polite, Joel."

-[imitates banjo] -[laughter]

Okay, uh... they didn't do that.

[laughter]

But there were a lot of dudes wearing overalls

with no T-shirt or anything underneath 'em.

Just one strap fastened and they're like, "It does the job."

Uh, so I was doing a show there and I was backstage

and the owner of the place came up to me and he goes,

"Hey, Joel, just so you know, out in the audience tonight

there's about 30 Wounded Warriors."

And I'm like, "That's awesome! I cannot wait to say 'hi.'

Thank you so much." And I'm about to walk on stage

and a waiter basically punches me in the chest

and he's like, "There's Wounded Warriors

in the audience tonight." And I'm like, "Just heard.

Very excited. I'm gonna go say 'hi' to them. Thank you."

Then I'm on stage and the opening comic

is licking my ear to tell me.

He's like, "There's Wounded Warriors."

And I was like, "Yes! I heard! Did you guys think

I had a fucking stroke? Yes, I know!

I'm going to say 'hi.' What's going on?"

And so then--So I say, "Ladies and gentlemen,

there's Wounded Warriors here tonight."

And there's this great, wonderful ovation.

Everyone's clapping. It's a really cool moment.

And I have always had a question

for the Wounded Warriors and I thought to myself,

"This is the right time." Right?

-[laughter] -So I said, "Wounded Warriors,

thank you for coming. Thank you for your service.

Thank you for being here. I have a question for you.

Is there someone in your group

who is, perhaps, on average way...

-less...wounded... -[laughter]

than the rest of you? Like, maybe his name is Gary

and Gary just got winged in the thumb or something?

But Gary shows up to all the events...

-[laughter] -and Gary wears all the T-shirts

and he's got all the bumper stickers

and he takes all the photographs

and you've got a traumatic brain injury

and it's beginning to piss you off.

Is there someone in your group like that?"

They all went silent.

So I was like, "Okay...there is.

-[laughter] -Now, let's find him."

So, I said, "Look, you don't need to admit it

to the group yourself. We as the audience

would just like to know who Gary is.

So, how about this? On the count of three

you guys close your eyes and point, okay?

Here we go. Count of three.

One, two, three, close your eyes and point."

Nobody moved. And I'm like, "Come on, guys.

Let's find Gair-Bear. Let's do this.

Count of three. Close your eyes and point

with whatever you got. Here we go. All right."

So I went, "One, two, three. Close your eyes and point."

Nobody moved. And then this woman in the group

goes, "We've all got each other's backs."

And I was like, "Ooh, well, that might be the case now,

but it wasn't when you got wounded!"

-[laughter, groaning] -Dick. I agree.

Dick. Huge dick.

So I just kept going on with the show.

I was like, "Ryan Seacrest is tiny Ellen" and, uh...

-[laughter] -but the woman who had yelled

at me would not stop yelling.

And she wasn't heckling me, she was inviting me

to future Wounded Warrior events.

So she was like, "We've got a carwash

every third Sunday and there's a gala in March.

We would love it--" And I was like,

"Ma'am, I wish you had been wounded in the mouth."

-[audience groans] -And that's when her

entire group pointed at her.

I'm like, "Oh! Jeez!

-We got her! -[laughter]

It wasn't Gary, it was Gabrielle!

What am I thinking?" [sighs] Yeah.

I swear, like every five shows, like,

there will be a Wounded Warrior in the--

happen to be a Wounded Warrior in the audience

and they will come up to me afterwards

and they'll be like,

"We totally got a fucking Gary in our group."

-[laughter] -Oklahoma is a beautiful--

Uh, a beautiful state. You know, part of the Bay Area.

-[laughter] -Who fucking knows what that is.

It's all there. No, uh, beautiful,

but they have a horrible problem

and that problem is tornadoes. They are deadly and horrible.

But the best thing about tornadoes

is tornado news coverage

because for those weathermen and women

it is their Oscars, Grammys, and Emmys all wrapped into one

breaking news report. It is showtime.

And they will interrupt anything to give you the information.

They'll be like, "We're sorry to interrupt the finale

of 'This Is Us,' but, uh,

we've got a situation over here in Jones County.

Now on this Doppler map now if you look,

this big, orange blob-- I've ejaculated.

So, Bob, take over." Bob runs in,

straws up his butt, and Bob is like,

"Now, if that turns red it means we have a twister."

And they're so excited.

And then there's always someone in the field.

They got a reporter in the field.

They're like, "Jennifer, how is it out there?"

And she's like, "Shitty. I'm in the middle

of a fucking tornado, asshole. There's shit flying everywhere.

It's dangerous." Then they always say

through these reports, They're like, "Stay safe."

They're like, "Stay safe. Stay safe. Stay safe."

As if some dad was like, "Kids! Grab your bikes.

Let's go see a tornado. Come on!" Right?

And then they always say, "Keep your pets indoors.

Keep your pets indoors. Keep your pets indoors."

Again. As if some dude was like,

[southern accent] "I wonder...

what a turtle could do to that thing.

-[laughter] -[grunts]

Oh, about what I expected."

[normal voice] They're like, "Chauncy, Go get that twister.

Go get it. Go get it. Go!"

[laughter]

Did a whole tour of the South.

Uh, yeah, so I went all over the South.

I went to Nashville, Tennessee

And, uh, yeah, I played The Grand Ole Opry.

-[cheers] -Yes.

And now I'm playing a, uh...

haunted dinner theater, so this is exciting.

[laughter]

Future Dave & Buster's right here.

-No. -[laughter]

"Why would you say that about this beautiful pl--"

No. Uh... uh, no, I--

so the Grand Ole Opry. I mean, it's the birthplace

of country music. It's literally a church.

It's beautiful and I-- well, I'm a dick.

So, I...walked out on stage and I was like,

"Good evening. Don't you idiots realize

that country music sucks?"

[laughter]

Yeah.

They did not like that. They--

They were upset. Uh, they were pissed.

One guy stood up in the back and was like, "Get him!"

-And, uh... -[laughter]

and that was Garth Brooks. He's a big fan. Big fan.

Big fan of mine. Comes to all of my shows.

And, uh, so I said, "Okay, so here's really why

country music sucks." There's an instrument

in country music, you put it in your mouth,

you flick it like this. It goes, bing bing bing.

Do you guys know what the name of that instrument is?

-[man shouts indistinctly] -Thank you for saying it, sir.

We have an anti-Semite here. It's called a Jew's Harp.

Uh, he's like, [mumbles] uh, yeah, no,

it's called a Jew's Harp and I was like,

"You guys need to change the name of that instrument."

And Garth's like, "Why?

That's what they sound like, Joel."

And I'm like, "Shut up, Garth. You're not helping."

-So... -[laughter]

[chuckles] so, I-- so then I have to double down

in these situations. So I went, "Hey, Tennessee,

you guys used to be a slave state, huh?"

And that's when those fucking weirdoes started cheering.

-[laughter] -I know. This is not funny.

This is a report. We need to go tell news outlets

about this thing that happened.

And, so now they're cheering and I'm thiswhite

and I realize, "Well, I've started a rally."

[laughter]

It was like, "Roy Moore, everybody. Come on out."

And--No.

So now they're cheer-- and so then I have to

triple down on them. So then I went,

"We had to come down here and kill you motherfuckers

to stop you from doing it." And Garth's like,

"Try it again, Joel. We're ready now!"

[imitates banjo] All right...

I got in the General Lee and got out of there, though.

Then I booked a show, uh, about as far south

as you can go in New Orleans. Uh, and everyone's like,

"What about Florida?" Florida? Not a state.

-So, uh... -[laughter]

Not a part of our country. Everybody knows that.

They seceded. Uh, they didn't even know it.

Uh, so, no, so I-- and I play--I played, uh,

the French Quarter in New Orleans

and I--beautiful French Quarter. I walked out on stage

and I was just like, "Good evening, shitty Paris."

-Uh...right? -[laughter]

Right? 'Cause only in America would we take

a perfectly preserved French neighborhood

from 250 years ago and what do we do with it?

Yeah, titties and beads. "Yeah, here's my titties,

give me my beads. Yeah."

That's exa--Yeah, Mardi Gras.

That's exactly how Jesus wanted Lent to start, right?

[laughter]

He was like, "Here's some beads. I see your tits.

All right, I'll be back in 40 days, guys."

-[laughter] -Very biblical.

Yeah, I walked my kids down historic Bourbon Street

where I was like, "Oh, look, kids,

there's the Hustler store. Yes, that's where--

that's where Napoleon got his crotchless panties."

And there's a bar on that street called Big Ass Beers.

-Very French. And, uh... -[laughter]

my nine year old was like, "Dad, there's a swear word

in the name of that bar."

And this is the same nine year old that when

he was watching "The Martian" on an iPad with headphones

he was like, "He said 'fuck.'

[laughter]

He said 'fuck' again."

Three-hour plane ride. It was great.

-Uh... -[laughter]

Uh, so then I wanted to get the--I wanted to get the family

out into the Bayou. Out into the bog.

I wanted to see some gators. So, uh, I hired a boat

with a big, huge fan on the back.

It was ridiculous.

And, uh, then I hired a boat captain

and he looked like Guy Fieri...'s meth photo.

[laughter]

He was like 6'1", 6'2", maybe150 pounds.

Uh, flip flops, boot-cut jeans,

belt buckle, trucker hat, flames going up his forearms,

an assortment of teeth, but that...

[laughter]

that box of chocolates had definitely been picked over.

[laughter]

And, I swear, he was wearing a plaid, button-down,

collared, sleevelessshirt

and I was like, "Boner, check."

[laughter]

And I said to him-- So, this was not cheap

to rent all this stuff, so I was like,

"Hey, man, are we gonna actually see any gators

when we get out there?" And he goes,

"Oh, well... I hope so."

[laughter]

And I was like, "Foghorn Leghorn lives, ladies and gentlemen."

Kids, Foghorn Leghorn was a cartoon back in the 1880s.

Uh, used to open here for Charlie Chaplin, so it's...

[laughter]

No, so we--we, uh, "Miami Vice" our way out through the Bayou.

We go, like, six miles way out there

and the second that Scabby Fieri cuts the engine...

-[laughter] -the second he does that,

all the gators in the Gulf of Mexico

are Michael Phelpsing their way towards the boat.

[laughter]

I've never been more terrified in my life.

I just grab my 12 year old and I was like, "Decoy!

-[laughter] -Hit it! Let's go!"

Yeah, so these-- 'cause these alligat--

they're not dumb. They see these boats coming

and they know the second that they stop,

they're going to be fed and what do you feed alligators?

That's right-- Marshmallows.

Because if the Southern human population is morbidly obese,

-so should the wildlife. -[laughter]

It's an air-tight argument.

So here comes this tsunami wave of luggage

-and...boots. -[laughter]

People like, "Aww." It's fake.

No, uh, no, um, so they-- and they don't stop

when they get to the boat. Like the first round, they--

when they get there, they want to be fed first.

So they begin ramming their heads into the boat.

And they're like, "Give me the fucking marshmallows!

We have nothing out here like them.

I love 'em. I love 'em. I love 'em."

[laughter]

Then you start throwing these marshmallows at them

and they're like Johnny Depp in "Blow."

They're like, "Oh, yeah!

Give me some marshmallows! Yeah.

Give me the bag!"

And then-- so then that first round,

they get that sugar buzz, their eyes glass over,

and their bellies are facing the sun, they pass out.

Then the next round of gators use them as a staircase

to get into the actual boat.

Where they're like, "Don't mind if I do.

Hi, is this your son?" All right, so...

so after we gave the wildlife... diabetes...

[laughter]

uh, glassy-eyed Fieri went to the front of the boat

and he goes, "So, uh...

y'all staying in New Orleans?"

And I was like, "Yes, we are. Don't tell him where, kids."

[laughter]

And he goes, "You know, New Orleans is 12 mile

from here, but I haven't been there in seven year."

And I was like, "Uh, why? Why? If I ask 'why,'

do I get to go back to New Orleans? Why?

Why haven't you been?"

He goes, "I don't go to New Orleans

because them young, black men will stab you for nothing."

And I was like, "Kids, gather 'round,

the racist is giving a talk.

[laughter]

Oh, that's right. You're already gathered round.

We're on a tiny, fucking airboat.

We're trapped." And my 12 year old's like,

"Let's just see what he has to say, Dad.

-Please continue. -[laughter]

Oh." Uh, no, so then--

can't go--so then there's all these ships along the shore

and they're all rusted out. Big, old ships.

And he goes, "See that?" And I was like, "Yeah.

I can see ships and all sorts of enormous things.

Uh, like stadiums or blimps.

Anyway, I'll keep a list for you."

Uh, but he just points at me and he goes,

"Obama."

And I was like, "Obama's into scraps

since he got out of office?

I thought he was doing public speaking."

And he was like, "No, Obama stopped all the oilmen

coming down and put all them ships out of business."

And I was like, "Oh, I thought it was from that oil platform

out in the Gulf that caught fire and fell over and

Mark Wahlberg did that movie about it."

[laughter]

And he was like, "Maybe. [spits]"

[laughter]

I told that joke a couple months ago

and this woman in the front row, soon as I said it,

she was like, "'Deep Water Horizon.'

'Deep Water Horizon.'

The name of the Mark Wahlberg film was 'Deep Water Horizon.'"

And I was like, "Yeah, nobody thought it was his

'Transformers' movie, lady.

Where they made a last stand on an oil platform.

The Decepticons knocked it over and set it on fire."

[laughter]

"Deep Water Horizon." So...we go--

we finally get back to shore and we meet his wife.

[whispers] Sister. [normal voice] And, uh...

[laughter]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

He was like, "We grew up together."

I'm like, "Yeah, I know. I can see...[mumbles].

That's why I only got you one 23andMe.

-Just swab on both." -[laughter]

"Oh, no you didn't." Okay, so, uh...

so this is the part where, um, I was like,

"Oh, the South is the weirdest place on the planet."

So, uh, so somehow I get a-- I get a signal on my phone

and I'm able to call an Uber and here comes the Uber

down the dirt road and I notice driving it

is an older, black gentleman.

So, I'm like, "Oh, shit, hit the accelerator.

We'll grab on!"

And, so I get in there and I'm very excited

to talk to him and I was like,

"You are not gonna believe what Gaunt Fieri

said back there.

He said that he wouldn't go in the city for years

because young, black men will stab you for nothing."

And the older, black gentleman driving the Uber goes,

"Well...

can't say I don't disagree."

[laughter]

What the fuck is wrong with the South?

[laughter]

[sighs] But I, uh, I think, hmm...

I think the wor-- I mean, the South is all right,

but I think the worst city in America--

I think we all know, it's on the tip of our tongue,

so let's say it together. One, two, three,

Denver, Colorado.

See, look at us. In unison.

Oh, hold on to your hats, guys.

I'm going after Denver. Yeah, so first of all,

here's why Denver sucks. First of all,

they built the airport just outside of Sacramento.

[laughter]

It's, you know, the Bay Area.

[laughter]

It's so far away. Now I know that--

now, if you want-- say you need to go to

the San Francisco Airport, right?

And it's trafficky Tuesday. How long is that gonna take you?

-[audience member] One hour. -[audience member] Two hours.

Okay, one hour, two hours. Clearly you all have

different driving habits, but let's say an hour and a half.

If you are in Denver and you want to go to the Denver airport

with no traffic, pack food, okay?

-[laughter] -Hydrate.

It is a journey. When you land there

you can't see the Rocky Mountains

because the Earth has curved away from them, all right?

-[laughter] -Then when you're driving out

of that place, there is a 100-foot statue

of a evil bronco and it's called Blucifer.

It's terrifying and it's got red eyes

and when you drive out of there, everybody from Colorado

will go, "Hey, you see that statue?"

And you'll be like, "Yeah, I can see that

and other big stuff like ships--"

-All right, never mind. -[laughter]

And everyone will tell you. They'll go like,

"Well, you know the artist who built that,

while he was building it, fell off and died."

And you'll be like, "Great story.

I hope you have more fun Colorado lore like that

for our six-hour journey into Denver.

[laughter]

Ugh, so I like the--I mean, I like the Denver Broncos.

I mean, they're not my team, but, uh,

but I like that Peyton Manning a lot

because he won the Super Bowl at the age of 81.

-And, uh... -[laughter]

his head fell off like two times.

And here's my impression of Peyton Manning playing football.

[grunts] That's it. All right, uh...

[laughter]

It's not because he was so good at football

that I like him so much, it's because of what he did

after he won the Super Bowl because it's exactly

what I would do if I won the Super Bowl.

So he won, people are going nuts,

he walks back out on the field, there's the ESPN reporter,

he shoves the microphone in Peyton's face,

he's like, "Peyton, you just won the Super Bowl,

how do you feel?" And Peyton without pausing

just goes, "I feel like a Bud Light, Jim."

[laughter]

Fucking sell it, dude. That's right!

That's exactly what I would do. Yeah, he should've kept going.

He should've been like, "I'm also gonna take

some Lipitor and I'm going to Petco. See ya."

-[laughter] -Right?

And if he had really thought about it,

he would've brought that Papa John's guy out with him.

-[laughter] -That wonderful guy.

The Papa John's-- you know him.

He removed all the skin from his face

and then he killed a baby, skinned the baby,

and wrapped the baby skin around his skull.

Two black rocks for eyes. Yeah, boner, check, again.

Anyway, uh, I always thought there was a ton of, like,

sexual tension in their Papa John's commercials,

so they should've capped it off with them walking

to the 50-yard line and just fucking

and getting it over with right there.

Just been like, "Four toppings!" So, uh...

[laughter]

then if Peyton wanted to seal his legacy,

he would've walked into the end zone,

knelt down, pulled out a short sword,

and stabbed himself like a Samurai warrior

and died right there just going, "Drink...Coke...Zero."

-Dead. -[laughter]

Statue at the airport. All my ideas are good.

Uh, so then I played a show in Vail, Colorado

where the people are as white as you.

-No, uh... -[laughter]

they're-- they're whiter than you.

And, uh--no, they're as white as the slopes

and I played a private mountain.

That's how rich these people were.

There were guard gates, there were heated sidewalks,

there was escalators going up to the chairlifts,

and the chairlifts had bubbles. Like, Plexiglass bubbles.

It was fucking nice.

It was like a James Bond villain's lair

and Papa John was their master. Where he was like,

"Bring me more baby skin." Anyway, uh...

so I played this beautiful, hand-built cedar theater.

It was beautiful. And, so, they were super rich.

So I decided to walk on stage-- and so I was just like,

"Good evening, one percent."

And they were like, "Good evening, Joel.

-How are you? -[laughter]

Bald eagle drumstick? Don't mind if I do.

[munching] I ate the bone."

[laughter]

And then I was like, "So, did you guys

vote for Trump?" And they were like,

"[chuckling]

Of course we did. Is that a rhetorical question?

We love money! [chuckling]"

And all their monocles fell out at once.

-[laughter] -And they were like,

"Pick that up, Jeeves, with your teeth."

So I'm doing the show and I notice that there are

six security guards surrounding the stage.

I've never had more security in my life and I--

I mean, here-- there's no security.

You can walk right up and bite my dick if you wanted.

-[laughter] -Do it. Just give it a bite.

I don't care. You could horribly maim me

right now. Just terrible.

Right? So, okay, uh, well, later.

-Yeah, later. Talk to you later. -[laughter]

No, so I don't--it was crazy. I was like,

"I've never had more security in my life."

I was like, "What happens if I don't entertain you

up to the level you are accustomed to?

Do you rush the stage and rip my limbs off

and drink my blood to become younger again?"

And I was like, "Because I'm gonna outrun you

since you're all very old.

You've all had hip replacement surgery

and there's gonna be more clicking noise

than the Smoke Monster from Lost.

-[laughter] -And then I realized

the security was not there to protect me.

It was to protect them.

That's how rich these people were

because they didn't know who I was.

Can you believe that?

-[laughter] -They didn't know who I was.

I was on Parks and Rec for six years.

[cheers and applause]

I wasn't on fucking Parks and Rec.

-[laughter] -People are like,

"We loved you on Parks and Rec."

I was on a show called Commodity.

-It was on CNBC. -[cheers and applause]

Cheering for me on Parks and Rec.

"I thought that might be Billy Eichner."

-What the--No, so... -[laughter]

I don't know who they thought I was.

They were like, "Oh, this is that comedian

who pulls his dick out and just does

the sprinkler the whole time

and then this guy comes up and bites it."

No, but this happened-- someone not knowing

who I was on a much larger scale.

I did an article for the Los Angeles Times,

which is a small paper south of here,

and, uh, it was a fascinating series of articles

where comedians and actors would drive a reporter around

and show them their favorite places in Los Angeles.

Fascinating.

Pulitzer-Prize winning stuff, guys.

It's on display at the Library of Congress.

Now, anyway, I'm a half an hour into this interview

and the guy's been asking me all sorts of questions

and then--this was like a year after The Soup

was off the air, and so the guy goes,

"So, where do you find all the clips?"

And I was like, "Well, when we didfind them,

uh, we would turn on the TV, usually to a reality show

based in Atlanta, and a group of married women

would go to dinner, get drunk, and then fight each other

and then there would be a reunion show about that fight.

Then we'd show that clip, and they would come out to me,

I would make a joke, the show would be over,

I would go home, and masturbate through my pocket

-like Mike Pence. So, uh... -[laughter]

And he goes, "Oh, 'cause I thought you got

all the clips from the Internet."

And I was like, "No, we got some of them

from the Internet, but no."

And then he goes, "So...

how's Comedy Central treating you?"

And I was like, "Well, when I turn it on,

-uh... -[laughter]

I'll watch a Workaholicsrerun

and that treats me great 'cause it's really funny

and then I'm ready to go to bed.

It's been half an hour and I'm ready to go."

-So, anyway, uh... -[laughter]

So then I realize what was going on.

So I said, "Hey, Mr. Reporter Man,

just for fun, say my first name out loud."

and he goes, "Okay, Daniel."

-[laughter, groaning] -Yeah...

and I went, "Tosh. Exactly.

That is my name. Daniel Tosh."

[laughter]

Because I realized at that moment

that I had... [whispers] an opportunity.

[laughter]

So I went, "I, Daniel Tosh, shall now continue

showing you... my favorite places

-in Los Angeles." -[laughter, cheers]

So I'm like, "Oh, look, here's my favorite alley

to molest children in. Me. Daniel Tosh.

Child molester. Oh, and when I'm done,

I throw them in this dumpster. Daniel Tosh's murder dumpster."

The article turned out great, you guys.

[laughter]

But I think, hmm... I think the weirdest state

in our country-- It's not Florida,

'cause everyone knows, again, not a state,

-and, uh... -[laughter]

I think it's a territory at this point.

They'll get there. But, anyway, uh,

No, I think the weirdest state-- So let's say it together

on the count of three. One, two, three, Utah.

-[man] Portland! -Uh...

-I heard a guy yell "Portland." -[laughter]

Yeah, Stanford grad? Uh...

[laughter, cheers]

Well, I live in East Palo Alto, so that can't--No, uh...

[chuckles] Portland.

Ah, Portland state, yes.

Anyway, uh, what am I talking about?

Oh, right, so Utah.

You guys, whatever you shouted out,

-other than Portland... -[laughter]

"Maybe it's Spokane." No, no, when I-I said "Utah,"

I saw the looks on your faces. You all went, "Oh, yup.

It absolutely is the weirdest--" It's weird 'cause when

you meet someone from Utah, they'll be like,

"I'm from Utah." And we all go,

-"Hmm, okay." -[laughter]

No, so Utah-- look, I love...

I love Utah. I love the Mormons.

I'm fascinated by them. I love doing shows there.

I was in Salt Lake and I walked out on stage

and I was like, "Good evening, weirdoes."

And in unison back at me they were like,

"Good evening, Joel. How are you?

-[laughter] -You look like us.

-[laughter] -Join us!"

Uh, they have the wackiest liquor laws in the country.

And, uh, this is the-- if you go to a bar in Salt Lake,

you will see no bottles of booze displayed,

you will see no beer being poured,

'cause it all has to be poured behind something called

the Zion Curtain. I am not making this up.

You really cannot mix drinks in front of people.

I don't know why-- what the logic is--

maybe they think like, "Well, if they don't see

the drinks being made, they'll never be able

to duplicate that at home, right?"

A person's like, "How did they get the rum

in the Diet Coke? I'll never know.

[laughter]

It's too complicated to attempt, right?

It's dangerous." It's a Harry Potterspell.

You have to learn Elven.

So, the other thing they have is that you cannot order

two drinks at once. You cannot walk up to a bar

and go, "I'll have a whiskey sour

and my mate will have a prosecco."

They will look at you and go, "Get the fuck out, addict."

And, uh, Intervention. So, no--

this is how they get around it. If you order a shot and a beer,

they will walk up to your table with those drinks,

hand you the shot, and then go like,

"Come on." Then you do the shot.

Then they'll hand you the beer because that solves alcoholism.

-Right? -[laughter]

When you have a waiter going, like, "Come on, dude,

I have other customers. Drink it."

So then--then they also-- they can't drink coffee.

And I was like, "Guys, coffee?

I mean, I get booze a little, but coffee?

What is wrong with coffee?"

And a dude screamed out. He was like,

"It's the temperature of hell, Joel!"

-And I was like... -[laughter]

"C minus on the joke, dude."

And--but I swear there were a few people

in the audience who were like, "Well, you know that's true.

It's actually true. Satan gave an interview.

It's true. It was in The Economist."

And I'm like, "Okay, can you have cold brew?"

And they were like, "Oh, Joel, God knows that cold brew

was hot at one point. You can't trick God, dummy.

[gasps] Sorry for cursing."

-[laughter] -And I went, "Okay...

but you all have--" And they all--

then I was like, "But you can drink Pepsi.

You all have Pepsi in front of you.

that's got a bunch of caffeine in it.

How come you can drink that?"

And I found out in 2012 BYU said it was okay

to have as much sugar soda as you wanted,

and Pepsi won. So, uh, they all had Pepsi

in front of them. I was like, "Okay, riddle me this.

What if you are a Mormon construction worker

and it's the summertime. It's August 15th

and you get to the job site at 6:00 a.m.

and you go--and it's super-- it's a little cool out.

You've got a Pepsi. You forget about it.

It's on your dash against the windshield.

You go work in the hot, Mormon sun for nine hours

and you come back to your truck, you are super thirsty,

but all the windows are rolled up and that truck

is now an oven and that Pepsi is easily the temperature

of a hot cup of coffee.

Can...you...drink it?"

[laughter]

-[chuckles] They went silent. -[laughter]

One dude stood up in the back and went, "Fuck."

Boom! And blew his head off.

-Right there. -[laughter]

Just brains everywhere. Yeah, true story.

This is also in the documentary. No, uh...[chuckles]

and then, of course, Garth Brooks was like,

"Get him!" And I was like, "Garth!"

[laughter]

So I got all these tweets the next day from all--

all these members of that audience

and seven of them in a row were from this dad

who's like, "I want to thank you for your discussion

of warmed, caffeinated beverages.

It sparked a conversation between my daughter and I

about atheism. #heatedpepsi"

-And I was like, "I'm a God." -[laughter]

I think, hmm... I think the worst country

on the planet-- I think we all know.

Let's say it together. One, two, three.

-Canada. Uh... -[laughter]

[chuckles] One dude in the back, "Portland?"

-No, uh... -[laughter]

Canada. Here's why Canada sucks--

I'll explain. I'm half Canadian,

so I can make fun of them. The lower half.

It a smooth kitchen counter. Uh, it's just nothing.

It's wipeable, though. Uh, no, here's why--

I mean, look, I think Can-- I think Americans have

this weird attitude about Canada.

I think secretly Americans think this:

Like, if we all got in buses right now

and drove the 13 hours up to Vancouver

and got out and just went, "Hey, this is ours."

I think we all would think the Canadians would be like,

[Canadian accent] "Sorry. Sorry. All right, sorry.

You're right. Sorry. We'll see you later.

Sorry. Can I have my-- Okay, you can have my phone.

Sorry. Alanis Morissette will be very upset.

So sorry."

[normal voice] So that's what I think Americans

kinda think about. It's like, "It's a state, right?"

"Well, it could be." So, uh...

that's what I think, but it's a weird thing

because we see our national weather forecast

and we see that weird curve line going across the top

of our country and we're all like,

"Yeah, that's Canada there." And then you start

moving up through it and you're like--

and then it kinda breaks up.

I don't know what it becomes. Narnia?

-Maybe. I don't know. -[laughter]

All I know is that once you leave Narnia

you walk past Santa Claus, right?

And then... then you're speaking Russian.

-Right? So... -[laughter]

but I do think the White Walkers are gonna come running

out of there at some point, so...

we need a wall up there, too. Who's with me?

-MAGA. So... -[laughter]

so most Canadians, they're very cool

and, uh, they're-- they can be a simple people--

which I'll explain, but they're very cool.

So I did a show in Winnipeg.

Here's a quick quiz. Winnipeg, city or province?

-[man] both. -[overlapping answers]

Ooph. [chuckles] This is--Okay...

there's two Canadians here.

There was a common answer, was, "Both.

Nailed it again." No!

In North Carolina they were like, "Who cares?"

And I'm like, "Okay, okay, okay.

Very nice." Yes, well...

it is a city in the province of...

Westeros. Nice job.

-So, uh... -[laughter]

Here's a fun, fun fact about Winnipeg,

it is the murder capital of Canada.

Eighteen people have been killed there

since the beginning of the country.

[laughter]

And four of those were polar bears

'cause they used to count as people.

I'll explain it later.

Anyways, so I walked out on stage in Winnipeg.

I was like, "Winnipeg. Murder capital of Canada."

And those weirdoes started cheering.

They're like, "Yeah, whoo! We did it!"

And the same thing happened in St. Louis--

The most dangerous city in America.

I walked out there and I was like,

"St. Louis, the most dangerous city in America."

Those fucking weirdoes started cheering.

They were like, "Yeah! We did it!"

And I was like, "You should not be proud of that!"

-[laughter] -And they were like,

"Well, we're not number two. You know, those losers Oakland.

Yeah, we did it again. Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam!"

-[laughter] -True story.

No, okay, so... so the Winnipegians are actual--

they are murderers. Here's why.

Four years ago-- a week after New Years,

it was colder in Winnipeg than it was on Mars.

I'm not joking. Look it up--

when they give you your phones back.

[whispers] Never. And, uh...

no, it was colder there than Mars.

I mean, Matt Damon would've walked out and dropped dead

and my kid would've been like, "He said 'fuck.'"

-[laughter] -Right?

This is why they're murderers. What did the people

of Winnipeg do when it was colder there

than Mars differently?

Nothing. They sent their kids to school.

They were just like, "Run."

[laughter]

They're like, "It's fine. We have four.

We'll get some back. It's fine."

So, uh, so I--I did the sh-- I'm being driven

from, uh, the theater to the hotel

and, you know, 'cause I'm fancy.

I mean, look at these shoes. [mumbles]

So, anyway, uh, so, and then-- this is the simple part

that I'm talking about. So, the driver, he--

we're going on our way and all of a sudden he stops

in the middle of an intersection.

Not at the light.

In the center of the intersection

and he cuts the engine and he turns back to me

and he goes, "Do you know what this is?"

And I was like, "The last two minutes of my life?

[laughter]

You fucking murderer."

This is the simple part. He goes, "No...

this is the windiest intersection...

in North America."

[laughter]

And I was like, "Oh, my gosh!

Of course! It's in all the guide books.

Rick Steves did that special on it.

Look at all the tourists everywhere!

Lining the streets to get a peek at the wind.

Wow! Oh, and I brought this bag of flour with me.

Take some photos of me in wind."

And he's like, "You're fucking dead."

No, uh, so those are the nice Canadians.

The assholes of Canada are the people of...

-Montreal. -[man] Portland!

[chuckles] Yeah. Mon--The people of Quebec.

I don't know if you know this about them,

they speak French which they will remind you of

every second that they are on this planet.

And they already hate you because you don't speak French.

And even if you do, you're doing it wrong.

Right? So, if you're in Montreal and you walk into a Starbucks--

or as the Mormons call it, Satan's Gasoline Station...

[laughter]

if you walk in there and you don't attempt

to speak French-- If you just walk in and go,

"Hi, I'd like a vanilla Frappuccino, please."

The French Canadian will go, "Hm?

[laughter]

[French Canadian accent] "Ze...repeat?

Um...say...uh... what, um...

dri--uh...mmm? No, I--I point?

Stop...finger? No? Mm, sorry.

Bye-bye, Yankee. Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye." -[laughter]

[normal voice] They'll pretend not to understand you.

But if you walk in and attempt French--

I know one phrase which is, "Pardon me...

I don't speak French." And, so, if you walk in and go,

"Uh, pardon... [speaks broken French]"

The French Canadian will go, "That's fine.

-What would you like?" -[laughter]

-Dicks! So... -[laughter]

I was in a restaurant in Montreal last summer

and the server was telling us the specials in French

and I'm just looking at her and she goes,

"Oh, I'm sorry, English?"

And I go, "No, Japanese, you fucking racist!"

-[laughter] -Got her!

So I pissed off the French Canadians

on a much grander scale.

I hosted a television special that was broadcast

throughout all of Canada. So, tens of people saw it.

[laughter]

And two herds of caribou. They fucking love it.

They were ringing their bells. Anyway, uh, so...

this was like this big, huge theater.

Uh, it was like this--

there was smoke and there was sets

and there was lights and there was cameras.

It was very exciting. I was wearing a suit.

And I walk out, and I, being the dick that I am,

I thought I'd start the show like this.

I walked out and went, "Good evening, Toronto."

[laughter, groaning]

-That's when shit got real. -[laughter]

I have never been in a more hostile crowd.

I don't even know what to compare it to.

If I had walked out and went, "What's up, Fresno."

I don't know. I don't know what--

I don't know what it is. So, they were like,

"Fuck you, Joel McHale! Fuck you!

Fuck you, motherfucker!" And I was like,

"Toronto is in your country!"

They were like, "We fucking hate them like we fucking hate you.

They don't speak French. You don't speak French.

Fuck you. I'm fucking your mother by the way."

-And, um... -[laughter]

They were throwing shit at me.

But, of course, they're so arrogant

they're only throwing French products.

It's like, Vuarnet sunglasses and Renault auto parts

and Gérard Depardieu's body flopped on stage at one point.

They're like, "That's you when I'm finished with your mother."

So the weirdest moment of my life happened.

We had to do a redo. We started over again.

It was bizarre. It was like the--

It was like a Twilight Zoneepisode.

I went backstage, lights turned off,

they calmed the audience down, they had to re-introduce me.

Lights, cameras, all that crap.

I walked back out and I'm like,

"Good evening, Montreal."

And then this was their reaction.

As soon as I said that they were like this.

They were like, "Hm?

[laughter]

[whispers] I fucked your mother."

-So, fuck those people. -[laughter]

[chuckles] I can't wait to tell that joke in Montreal.

Oh, I'm really enjoying San Jose.

Uh, I'm staying, uh, at a hotel right down--

here in downtown and, uh, you know,

lots--this is a busy day and all that

so I wanted to take a little time yesterday.

I wanted to go-- I wanted to go get a massage.

So I went to the concierge and I was like,

"Hey, man, is there a spa around here

that I can go to get a massage?"

And he was like, "Welp, You hop on the highway,

you go to Los Gatos, and, uh..."

[laughter]

"Where the rich people live?"

-And I was like-- -[laughter]

And he goes, "And there's a thing called

the Los Gatos Spa--" or a Spa--

whatever it was and I was like, "Why do I have to drive

20 minutes to get to a spa? Isn't there one

within walking distance?" and he was like, "Well...

-uh... -[laughter]

you could do that, uh...

but right at the end of the massage, uh...

-and, uh..." -[laughter]

-[cheers] -And I was like,

"No wonder the streets are empty in San Jose.

[laughter]

"How was your massage?" "It was a crime."

-[laughter] -"Oh, great, you tip 'em?"

"Yeah. Oh, yeah." No, uh...

-[sighs] -[laughter]

So, uh, what a weird transition.

-I'm a father. Uh... -[laughter]

but I have this-- I have this--

There's this thing where if you have, like, a skill--

like, if you're a golf pro or something,

You--it just happens that you end up taking your kids

to, like, the golf range and they learn

how to swing the golf club.

I'm a professional dick and my kids now are dicks.

-And...because of me. -[laughter]

And I can now give you six or seven hundred examples

of their behavior. So, settle in.

-Uh... -[laughter]

So their names are Eddie and Isaac

and Eddie is tall and older

and Isaac is shorter and younger.

It makes sense, but, uh, I was on this show

two years ago called The Great Indoors

-on CBS and-- -[man] Whoo-hoo!

That's exactly the reaction that I've always wanted.

[laughter]

Where people are like... [silent]

[whispers] "What? The great what?

I don't--I don't-- Just...just whoo.

Just whoo. Just whoo. [whoos]

[laughter]

I think--I don't think he noticed that we don't know

what he's talking about." So, uh...

So, uh, this was-- so, I--that show got cancelled

and you're like, "Shocker."

-And, um... -[laughter]

and the show was cancelled and I-I came home

the day it was cancelled and Eddie answered the door.

And he opened the door and he was like,

"Jobless Joel is home."

[laughter]

Oh yeah-- For, like, two months after that I was like,

"Eddie, go feed the dogs." He's like, "Why don't you?

You don't have a job." I'm like, "What the--"

[laughter]

And this is the perfect encapsulation of my kids.

So I--as I said, I'm a Seahawks fan

and they were playing the Raiders in the pre-season.

The Raiders were winning. Of course my kids

weren't actually watching the game,

they were playing fucking Fortniteand, uh--

Don't worry, we weaned them off that

and put 'em on something less addictive--heroin,

and, uh, it's way cheaper, anyway...

this is the per-- this is perfect encapsulation

of their behav--So I leaned over and I was just like,

"Raiders scored again." And Isaac was like,

-"Shit." -[laughter]

And Eddie goes, "Fuck their moms."

-And I'm like, "Great. Okay. -[laughter]

Great." And, so, Isaac is a little--

he's a little different like, than Eddie.

So sometimes people will come up to me

and they'll want to get a picture with me

and then we'll have a little chat

and maybe they'll get a video and they're like,

"We love you, Matthew Lillard. You were so great as...

-[laughter] -so great in Scooby Doo.

You're so funny." And I'm like, "Hey...

any port in the storm, baby." So, uh...

so then they'll walk away and Isaac always hangs back

when that's happening. As soon as they walk away

Isaac will come up and go, like, "Oh, hey, Dad,

-was that your fan? -[laughter]

They a big fan of your work, Dad?

Are they gonna remember that for a long time?"

And I'm like, "What the fuck? It's my job."

And he's like, "Scary Daddy voice."

-And he runs away. -[laughter]

And then we had a Super Bowl party last year

and I know a lot of funny people.

I-I'm bragging and so--

and Isaac loves football and my friend Boyd,

who's a very successful Hollywood writer,

uh, comedy, he was sitting behind Isaac

and he made some joke about, uh, about the Patriots

or something and Isaac just goes,

"Hey, check out the guy behind me making jokes."

[laughter]

And Boyd's like, "I'll show myself out

and try not to burst out crying before I reach my Mercedes."

And--and then the halftime show is happening

and Isaac's sitting on the couch and my friend David

is sitting next to him. And David is a showrunner.

He literally tells funny people what to write.

That's how funny he is, and David's like,

"Hey, Isaac, I bet you got a bunch

of Justin Timberlake posters, huh?"

And Isaac, without pausing, just goes,

"I guarantee my room is bigger than yours."

[laughter]

"I pass the sword to you, my son.

-[laughter] -Go forth, be a dick."

Oh...so this was when the kids were really little

and we were driving from L.A. to San Francisco

to go see the Homosexuals play and...

[laughter]

and they played the Bears so...

[laughter]

it was actually super hot. It was...

it was very sensual. So much hair.

-Anyway, uh... -[laughter]

so, uh, so we--as you-- as you know,

the Central Valley of California,

there's not a lot going on.

It's--It's like The Book of Eliall the time.

-[laughter] -It's just Denzel Washington

in sunglasses stabbing people so they don't take his stuff.

And, uh, and then there's that one In-N-Out Burger

in the middle of the state. I think that's the dividing line

between Southern and Northern California.

This one In-N-Out Burger and it's weird

'cause the people coming from L.A., soon as you eat it,

and then you get back in your car, you drive by

the largest slaughterhouse in America.

So you're like, "What have I done?!"

And then I'm sure when you guys drive down,

you drive past it first and you must be like,

"Don't stop. Keep going. I just want some salad."

And then, uh...

so we stop and I sit down with Isaac in the bassinette

and Eddie and my wife go into the bathroom together.

He's three. And they're in there

and into the restaurant walks a little person.

And, uh, she is very little.

She's probably my age, but very little.

And she walks by the bathroom door

just as Eddie is walking out.

He sees her and goes, "What is that?!"

[laughter, groaning]

-But louder. -[laughter]

And my wife, being the sensitive one,

bursts out laughing.

And I'm like, "It's time to go. Right now."

And I grab my family and Eddie's like,

"Yeah, we should go, but what is that?!"

Thank you so much, San Jose! Thank you, Bay Area!

Thank you, Northern California! God bless you!

Love you, guys!

-[cheers and applause] -Good night! Thank you!

Thank you, guys! Thanks for coming!

See you later! Good night!

[cheers and applause]

[Joel] Thank you! I'm still talking!

Thank you!

I'm still going! Yeah, thank you!

Good night, everybody!

I still have my microphone in my hand!

It still works! Good night! Get outta here!

Go drink some more!

[cheers and applause]