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[upbeat music]

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♪ One kiss and I fell in love ♪

♪ I started lookin' to the stars above ♪

♪ One night it felt like a dream when I met you ♪

♪ Oh oh and one tear rollin' down the face ♪

♪ I kept holdin' on... ♪

Hey there, sugar.

You must be my five o'clock. Oh.

And you're early. I like that.

Are we waitin' on anybody else? No?

Well, all right. Let's get this train a-movin'.

Choo, choo, choo.

[laughs]

Oh, isn't it all just sublime?

I mean, it's a great house

in a safe and friendly neighborhood.

Oh, and something interesting about the house.

There's only ever been one owner.

Well, that is rare these days.

[laughs]

We're like little piggies uncovering truffles.

Oink, oink, oink!

[laughs]

Now imagine yourself coming home to this.

And when it's wine o'clock, you take a little sip

and a little dip in the sparkling pool out back.

Well, it is to die for. Ha-ha...

Oh, but we'll save that for the grand finale.

[laughs] All right, then...

[dog barking]

[sighs]

Welcome to your dream home.

[chuckles]

Oh, look. Oh.

Ta-da!

[door shuts]

The house was built in '79,

and it was meticulously maintained by the original owner

who kept its original charm,

and he meticulously updated it every year.

Oh, with the help of his grandson.

[chuckles] There's a lot of great family history

in this house.

But if you're like everyone else,

you're probably gonna tear it all down

and build something better, right?

-[man chuckling] -[laughs]

Anyway, strap in for my grand tour.

All right, let's start upstairs.

If you'll notice, we have a banister.

-[intense music] -[choking, screaming]

No. No! Ah!

I can't breathe. No! No! No.

Well, wait, wait, I have, I have children!

I can't breathe...

[choking]

Oh. Oh, wait. Ah!

I know you! Ah, ah...

[woman choking]

[Jackie] Yeah. Ready? [Jason] Three, two, one.

-[camera clicks] -Are my eyes closed?

I can't even tell. Can you... Oh.

-Hey! -Babe, it looks so good!

We look so good.

Are you happy?

[chuckles]

More than I ever thought possible.

This is our dream house.

It is, huh?

[chuckling]

[Jason sighs]

-I feel rich. -I, I feel rich, too.

I feel real rich.

[laughing] You think they got black people

in the neighborhood?

Ah, third wheeling sucks.

Ethan, your F-boy energy is giving ick.

-Stop. -You know what, Ray?

-Your energy is giving simp. -Okay.

Even if you are a third wheel, Ethan, that's the best wheel.

Gives stability. Have you ever tried to tip over a tricycle?

No, but I used to fall off mine all the time.

-[Jason laughing] -[Jackie] Come on.

-There they are. -[Jackie] Look!

[Jason] Wait, hold up, babe. We got a mailbox.

-We have a mail... -We got a mailbox. Huh!

Oh, my God, it's our own mailbox, babe.

Well, are you having trouble? Wait, let me help you.

-Give me. Let me try. -Aw, they're so cute.

-Are you gonna go over? -But I didn't bring a gift.

Rule number one, never show up empty-handed.

-Mm. -Oh.

Here. Give 'em this.

-Ah. -No, don't, don't do that.

Well, it has to be something in here.

I should go say hi.

-Yeah, it's nice. -Come on.

-All right. -Here, Jackie, allow me.

She can be a little pesky, but there's a trick

to opening her up.

-Oh. Thank you. -Ah.

-Okay. -[laughing]

I'm sorry, h-h-how do you know us?

Why, you and Jason are the newest members of my family.

-How did that happen? -Um, hello.

His parents, uh,

they are the ones who sold you this fine home.

-Oh, sweet. Yeah. -What? Oh, my...

Hey, man, in my family, the men hug, too.

-Man, get in here, brother. -Very nice to meet you.

Yeah, we're still shocked we even got

the house 'cause we came in way under.

We came in a little low.

Sure as sugar you did.

Uh, but your beautiful letter more than made up for it.

I actually have it right here. I was reading it this morning.

-Oh. Okay. -Oh. That's so sweet.

[chuckles, clears throat] "Dear homeowner,

help make our dreams come true.

First-time owners looking for a chance.

No inspections needed."

Ah. Here's the part.

"We know this house is a family home,

and if you choose us, we promise

it will always stay that way."

That was all my mom and I needed to hear.

It's why I choseyou to live in our home.

-Thank you, man. -Yeah.

-We appreciate it. -[chuckles]

Oh, sweet Caroline. Where are my manners?

-I'm Alec, by the way. -Nice to meet you, Alec.

-And this is Ethan and Ray. -[Ethan] Hey.

-Hi. -Hi.

I-I used to catch fireflies out here.

This house is amazing.

Alec's grandfather used to own it.

-Gramps. -Oh, good old gramps.

-[laughs] -Oh.

[Ethan] Yeah, we grew up here. Hide and seek.

Summer in the pool. Oh, the grill nights.

Oh, does he know how to sear a stake.

-Okay -Well, I mean, he did.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Right.

[sobbing] Oh, man.

[Ethan] Hey, hey, hey, Alec. It is okay.

You've still got us. You've got us.

Hey, sorry, it's, it's, it's just all so fresh.

You're okay, cut it out. It's okay.

Fresher than the Prince of Bel-Air.

Yeah, of course, your grandfather

sounds like an amazing person.

Um, we definitely have big shoes to fill.

Yeah. And if we fillin' them shoes, they better be big.

-They better be huge! -[laughing]

Gramps' feet were normal size, actually.

No. Yeah, no, I just...

-We meant, like... -We know that. Yeah.

-Anyway... -[laughs]

It's so nice to meet you. You wanna come in?

-Oh, yeah, yes. -[Ethan] Oh, I, uh, I cannot.

I have to go to the pharmacy for my mom.

Yeah, I mean, the-the dust in there sends me.

-So you go. You go ahead. I'm... -Oh, yes, indeedy.

-See you later, alligators. -Nice to meet you guys.

-After a while, crocodile. -You ready?

-Yes. Ha-ha... -Nice meeting you guys.

-[cell phone ringing] -[Jason] Oh, baby, here.

-[Jackie] What? -Phone.

-Oh, hold that... -[Jason] Alec!

Yeah. Jason, yeah.

You gotta show me the best spots.

-Yes. This is her. -All right.

[Jackie] Okay. Thank you so much.

[Jason] All right. Ha-ha-ha... [Alec] Oh...

[sighs] Home, sweet home.

[both laughing]

Gramps and I did all the remodeling together.

Yeah, I know this place top to bottom, inside and out.

-Show it to me. -Yeah.

Uh, Jason, movers are on their way.

-Yeah, he just... -[Jackie] Okay.

That's gramps and that's me.

Oh, wow.

Gramps had more medals than you could shake a stick at.

-Well, yeah. -Yeah, a real hero.

And these are our house rules.

[Jason] All right, man.

Gramps always wanted me to have this place.

When he passed, I thought for sure I'd get to keep it.

But that's not practical, I guess.

My father...

explained it to me.

[eerie music]

[clears throat]

Uh, would you mind if I, uh, swung by the kitchen?

Oh, yeah, man. Come on. Do what you gotta do.

Jason, you let him swing in the kitchen.

No, he's fine, just let him, let

him walk around for a bit.

-[indistinct chatter] -It's fine.

This is me growing up.

Gramps used to mark my height every single birthday.

He started when I was one right here.

-[Jason] Okay. -And then every single year.

Up, up, up, uppity-up.

[both laughing]

Yeah, that's usually how it goes, right?

Hey, I have an idea. Let's all mark our heights.

-Jackie, you go first. -Oh, no.

Actually, that's fine 'cause, you know,

we're gonna paint over this. Right, Jason?

[eerie music]

What?

Well, when we have kids, maybe we can continue the tradition.

One last time before you erase me?

Go ahead, man. Heh.

Come on.

[instrumental music]

[crickets chirping]

[Jason] Yeah, babe, this is all ours, baby.

[Jackie] Babe!

Uh, we got a pool. A pool with a Jacuzzi...

And we hit the jackpot, babe.

I still can't believe they let us move in

before closing with that lowball offer.

But I'm pretty sure it was my idea to take it as is

that really sealed the deal, but we saved them a ton of money,

taking all of gramps' shit, foregoing the inspections...

Which reminds me, you have to check the HVAC,

the plumbing, the electricity--

Babe, babe, I got us covered.

-All right? -Good, good.

In the meantime, I guess we can give Alec a little slack

with the pop-ins.

-So it's legally ours. -Exactly.

Well, that Gen Z Leave It To Beaver

don't bother me one bit.

[chuckling] That is how he is.

[both laughing]

[yawns] Oh.

You ready for bed, babe?

-You forgot? -Forgot what?

Mm...

Oh, shit! It's our anniversary, baby.

-I'm, I'm sorry. -Hey, it's okay.

Look, I know we have a lot going on. It's all right.

Girl, how could I forget that? You see all these lights.

-Don't you? -What?

Plugged 'em in for a reason.

You know our first date was the best night of my life.

Baby...

What are you doing?

J... Come-come on, Jason, no! We said no gifts!

I got you a card. That's it.

It's not much. Believe me.

Baby...

Jason.

[gasps]

-Jackie. -[whispering] What?

For the last eight years,

I have woken up every mornin' thanking God

how lucky I got to have you by my side.

And I know that whatever He throws our way,

we'll survive because we'll face it together.

Jackie-Jack,

I promise I will love you with everything I have

because with you, I have everything.

-Jackie Taylor... -Yes?

-Will you marry me? -My God.

Jason, are you kidding me? Yes! Oh. Mwah.

Oh, my God. A million times yes.

Well, hold on. You ain't seen the ring yet.

Whatever.

Oh, my God. Uh, what?

It's from my last plumbing job.

-I know it's stupid, but-- -Uh, no.

Figured this hose clamp, you know, be a placeholder

for the real thing, which I promise I will--

I don't want another ring.

I just want you, okay?

Good... 'cause you'll always have me.

[laughs] Oh, my God!

-[gasps] -[laughs]

-Jason. -Here you go.

[Jason] This might be a little loose.

[Jackie] It's a little loose. [Jason] So...

-That's why I brought this out. -[laughs] Oh, my God.

-Jason... -Hold on.

-Oh! That's perfect. -Is that good?

[gasps] We're engaged!

-Oh, my God! -[dog barking]

-Oh, my God, babe. -[dog barking]

Ain't it too late to have a dog outside?

I don't know. I don't know, but look at it.

It's so nice. We're gonna be so happy here, baby.

Can you tighten it a little more? Okay.

-[instrumental music] -[birds chirping]

Hey, man.

-What are you doin'? -Top of the mornin', brother.

You wanna be sure to give her a skim after windy nights.

-Your filter will thank you. -[dog barking]

Thank you for the tip, but you don't...

You don't need to do all that.

Someone does. You guys are swamped with the move.

Besides, I enjoy doing it.

Gramps always had me do this when I'd come over

to get away from my father.

It was always clean.

Well, look, man, you...

Shit. Take a dip anytime you want.

[chuckles]

I'm running low. You want some?

Oh, you bet I would.

Gramps always used to say,

"A beautiful day is just a cup of joe away."

[laughs] Yeah.

He's not wrong. All right, I'll be right back.

Good man is a good neighbor.

[dog barking]

There you go.

-[eerie music] -Holy shit.

Man, that's a gnarly scar. How'd you get that?

Ask my father.

[Jackie] Hey, guys. What you doin' out here?

Um, uh, Alec was, uh, just cleaning the pool

'cause evidently I failed to.

Oh, baby, well, you get a pass 'cause you've been

an apartment guy for a long time.

So, apparently, Alec is showing you

how to be the man of the house?

Well, technically, I'm the man

of the house. Gramps said so.

But I suppose we can share that title. Right, brother?

Hey, apparently, I need all the help I can get. So, yeah.

[Jackie and Alec laughing]

Uh, listen, honey, I'm gonna head out to the firm, okay?

So you have a good day, okay? Mm-hmm.

-Love you. -Well, uh, everyone.

-You look beautiful. -Thank you, handsome.

[Jason laughing]

Come on. Show you somethin'.

All right.

I love this little spot. It's very nostalgic to me.

-Over here? -Mm-hmm.

[dog barking]

This is gramps' vegetable garden.

Oh, okay.

A little water, a little fertilizer,

and before you know it, it's carrots and peas

any night you please.

And I'll show you one more thing over here.

-Oh, cool. -Very dear to me.

[birds chirping]

[sighs] When my dad would get mad,

I'd run over here as fast as I could.

I'd put my hands in, close my eyes,

and it felt like... a hand hug.

Nice handshake.

-[ominous music] -A hand hug.

[sighs]

Look, my hands are almost as big as gramps.

Okay.

-Don't you love this place? -I do. I do.

Hey, buddy, I gotta, I gotta get ready for work.

-So... -Oh. A-and I have school.

Don't worry about it. I'll lock up the gate.

We're family now.

All right. Thank you.

[Jason chuckles]

We did the right thing, gramps. He's a good man.

And you'd like Jackie. I like her.

No, not like that.

Okay, well, maybe a bit.

[jazz music]

[scatting]

[camera clicking]

♪ I'm just the kind of guy ♪

♪ Who dreams of you each night I'm... ♪

Ethan should be here any second.

Why are we always hanging out with him?

Like, wouldn't you rather be alone with me?

Ethan's my oldest friend.

And as gramps would say,

"If you turn on your friends, you won't like how it ends."

Oh, fine, I mean, at least he's bringing alcohol.

And that's a win.

[Ethan] What's up, party people?

Ethan, babes, I missed you.

Wait, that looks yummy. Can I have one?

Oh, I already poured you a glass.

That's one for you. Jug for me. Alec.

You know, in my family we don't give in to temptation.

Ah, every time, dude.

More for me.

Mm...

This is just fucked up.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

They're ruining our beautiful town with their ugly flyers.

Okay, Alec, that's hella disrespectful, my guy.

Yeah, that's, like, really sad.

Think they're ever gonna find her or-or what?

-I hope so. -I wouldn't count on it.

Usually when someone goes missing, they're never found.

But instead of feeling sad she's gone,

I'm over the moon that we have

two fine new additions to our neighborhood.

Yeah.

To Jackie and Jason.

Great people, great neighbors,

the newest members of my family.

-Okay. Cheers. -Yeah. To Jackie and Jason.

-[indistinct song on stereo] -[hammering]

[Jason] Baby, where do you want this one?

Oh, just pile that over there.

-All right. Yup. -Thank you.

We are nowhere near ready for this dinner party.

You know what, can you grab me the two bottles

of wine that I have in the garage?

I am your man. I was already gonna do that.

Baby, the barking is driving me crazy.

Hey, hey. Did I not just say I was your man?

-I said that, right? -Mm-hmm.

♪ All the things that you can do ♪

My man. Ha-ha...

♪ Sometimes it feels like ♪

♪ We were never meant ♪

-[Jackie] Okay... -[dog barking]

Yeah.

[dog barking]

Here you go, Cujo.

[grunts]

[thuds]

[dog chomping]

[clanking]

-Jackie? -[footsteps approaching]

-[rustling] -Jackie-Jack?

-[rustling] -[thudding]

[rustling]

Oh, my God!

You scared the shit out of me, Alec.

You moved the furniture.

Oh...

Yeah, how did you get in?

Those were gramps' chit-chat chairs.

Jason, you know, I keep on forgetting,

but we need to make a to-do list--

-Babe. Babe. -Whoa.

[sighs] No worries, Jackie. I didn't see anything.

[breathing heavily]

Water stains. Best to sop 'em before they settle.

[hair dryer whirring]

What's up with Jackie?

What's up with her? Bruh...

Come on, man, she was, she was shocked to see you in here.

I see.

Tell her I didn't get excited or anything.

[Jason] Right.

Yeah, I'll be, um, I'll be sure to let her know that.

But back to the original issue here.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd bring over gramps' decorations

for the big party tomorrow.

[ominous music]

I don't remember tellin' you we were havin' a party.

You know, these streamers really add a festive touch.

-I'll go hang them now. -Hey, Alec...

Brother...

I got it. It's cool, all right?

Okay, good.

One more thing. The gutters are starting to get--

I'm taking care of that tomorrow, man. All right?

-I got it. -I knew it.

You're attentive.

-You remind me a lot of gramps. -Oh, yeah?

You know what gramps used to do?

He used to give me a warm glass of milk

every single night before he'd tell me goodnight.

Yeah, well, I'm lactose intolerant.

[chuckles]

That's a shame.

A glass of milk will cure what ails you.

[music continues]

Neat-o.

J and J.

Jackie and Jason.

Yup, man, that's us.

Hey, look, man, we-we really got a lot of stuff

to get to before the party, man.

Please don't say that.

Say what?

Say one thing when you really mean something else.

I know you want me gone. That's okay.

But we're family now, and family is honest with each other.

It'll be a fun party tomorrow.

[music continues]

[door locks]

-What the fuck? Jason. -He's gone.

Gone? He saw me in a towel.

Angel, you had the towel, right?

-Come... -[sighs]

Hey, did you tell him we were havin' a party tomorrow?

Yeah, yes, the other day when he was teaching me

how to change the pool filter. Did he just walk in the door?

Apparently.

He said he, uh, wanted to help around the house,

make sure we were ready for the party.

Oh, and that, uh, seein' you in a towel didn't get him excited.

[scoffs] Good to know.

It sure did get me excited, though. Come on.

-Yeah? -Get in this bed.

Yeah, it's still early.

[Jason] Baby, I cannot believe you let Alec

bully you into cleaning the gutters.

-Now you're gonna be late. -Okay, I'll be fast.

-I just gotta shower, okay? -But backyard looks great.

-[water splashes] -Jason?

-[Jason] What? -[sighs]

Alec is swimming in the pool.

What the fuck?

All right, I'll handle it. Hold on.

-Thank you. -[Jason] Shit.

[Jason sighs]

Alec. Alec, my man.

Hey, our guests are on the way, brother.

No problem. I brought clothes.

Okay, yeah, now this was like a, like a private-type party thing.

-I don't think-- -Great job on the gutters.

And the string lights you put up look nifty.

Thank you, thank you. Hey, look, man.

You really don't wanna come to this party, man.

-It's just our boring friends. -Of course I do.

I used to go to every single one of gramps' parties.

Okay, but our friends, they're a little weird.

I don't know if you'll like 'em, you know?

I don't mean to be a buttinskies,

but you really should put

gramps' tools back in the shed.

I hear you, Alec, but your grandpa

don't live here no more, man. Heh-heh.

[intense music]

Our handprint stone. Where is it?

Shit. Um...

[Jason] I just picked it up and tried to move it,

and I, and I tried to save it for you, man, but it-it-it

crumbled a bit. My-my bad, bro.

It was supposed to stay there forever.

I understand that, and I, and I know that your grandpa

used to live here, but frankly,

dude, it's gettin' a little creepy.

You made a promise!

Jason, honey, our friends are almost here.

A promise should never be broken.

That's a house rule, a family rule!

But this ain't your house, man.

And-and-and we're not really family.

Follow the rules or face the consequences!

Alec, listen, we're gonna have to deal with this later.

-Jason, come on, let's go. -Okay.

You have to follow the rules

or face the consequences!

-Okay, brother. -What is he saying?

[Jason] It's fine.

This is not how it was supposed to work out.

No, siree bub!

He said, "As is."

He made a promise.

He called me brother!

Now all of gramps' stuff is being manhandled

and our hand stone is being turned

into a bunch of stupid pebbles!

Oh, my God, babe, you're spiraling. Stop.

-This is not a good look on you. -Hey, Alec.

It's okay, bud.

We'll figure this out together. Here.

This might even take the edge off.

Stop. Stop.

[dramatic music]

It's okay. It's okay.

Why are you talking business? This is a party.

I'm not talking business.

[Tara] Because that's all he knows to talk.

[Jimmy] Just, hey, hey, you ever linked

your own sausage before this?

[all whooping]

-Oh-ho-ho. -Jackie.

Ding, ding, ding. Yes, you already...

Hey, y'all need to eat this. This meat was expensive.

[indistinct chatter]

You get this from the grocery stores?

This is extra strong 'cause that's,

I know that's how you like it.

Surely a dream!

-I am so happy! -Thank you! Oh!

-Did I spill it? -Oh, it's okay.

-No, you're good. You're good. -It's okay.

[laughing]

OMG!

Love this decor concept, Jackie.

-You know, vintage is in. -Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I wish I was that on trend. This is the previous owner's.

And you know what? I'm just gonna move this right here.

-I haven't had time. -You scared me for a minute.

Hey, uh... who's the kid?

It's Alec. It's the grandson.

He's a regular neighborhood welcoming committee.

No, no, no, no, Jason, more like

the neighborhood welcoming weirdo.

All right? He shows up non-stop.

You guys should've seen what he did before you got--

No, we don't need to go into that.

-Nope. No, no, no, no. -[Tara] Why? Is it gross?

-No. -Doesn't sound okay.

-Is everything okay? -No.

-Hey, Jason. -What?

-This kid giving you problems? -No.

No, that guy, if he's giving you problems, you gotta stop that

problem now before it gets out of control.

Usually these things happen.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, hey, everyone just listen.

I'm talking to my buddy Jason here. Listen.

All I'm sayin' is maybe this kid needs

a little talkin' to from his Uncle Jimmy.

Maybe he needs a little bit of lesson.

-Jimmy teaches lessons. -He's a little sensitive.

Just give him a little smack, you know?

-[indistinct chatter] -[laughter]

No, that's the last thing we need.

Entire generation...

-[thuds] -[all screaming]

Oh...

-Shit! -All right, babe...

-Are you guys okay? -Well, yes. But what is that?

-What? -What? What is it?

-It's a bird, and it's dead. -A bird? What?

Oh, yeah, it's definitely dead.

-I'll get it. I'll get it. -[Jackie] I'm sorry, you guys.

Birds fly at night in the 'burbs, apparently.

[laughing] Crashing.

It looks-looks insane!

-Oh, golly. -Okay, okay.

Play it again. Play it again.

[all screaming on video]

It gets better every single time.

[indistinct chatter]

[Jackie] I'm being serious.

Alec freaks me out.

Well, at least he won't be comin' around here no more.

No, listen, he said there'd be consequences.

I told him we'd, I told him we'd

deal with the handprint thing later,

but then he said to follow the rules

or there'd be consequences. What does that even mean?

Baby, baby, he's a kid.

He's harmless.

No, we need to talk to his parents. Mn-mn.

[scoffs] You talkin', you talkin' about them same parents

who still own this house? That's who you talkin' about?

-Yeah. -Come on, babe.

We-we rock that boat, they-they'll back out.

Then where we gonna be, huh? Be on the streets.

You tryin' to be on the streets? Nope.

Besides, uh, you know...

I-I, um, I don't wanna get Alec in trouble with his dad.

I get it, but you should've been more careful, okay,

with the handprint thing.

You know, I-I get it, I-I was telling you to clean up

the backyard, I was rushing you and I did screw you.

[sighs] It's fine. We had a really good time at the party.

Everybody had a really good time.

Now just, now it's time for us to have a good time.

-Jason? -[snoring]

[sighs]

[intense music]

But they promised in the letter.

Who cares about the stupid letter?

Mom and I do. That's why we gave them the house.

That is not why we gave them the house.

We had to dump that place as quickly as possible,

and I don't need to tell you why.

Plus, they agreed to deal with all your grandpa's crap.

They're not following the rules.

Oh, I see. They ruined your handprint stone.

That settles it. Let's evict their asses.

We could do that? Let's do that.

Hey, cut the shit and hold the ladder.

[dramatic music]

Whoa!

[high-pitched ringing]

Dad!

[both breathing heavily]

Oopsies.

-You slipped. -[ominous music]

[instrumental music]

Mm...

Well, new house, new fiancee.

-Mm. -Life is good, baby.

And there's no one I'd rather be with. Hm.

-[Jason sighs] -[sighing] Oh, baby.

I'm hungry, baby. You gonna cook?

I am starving. Yes, I'll make you some--

-What you gonna cook? -I dunno. What do you... Hey.

[Jason chuckles]

-[dramatic music] -[Jackie] Oh, my...

Oh, my God. Jason.

-Oh, shit. -[music continues]

[gasps] They put it all back.

They got us, babe. They put all the shit back.

Babe, we-we have the most

legendary friends ever. They put it all back.

This is the best house warmin' prank I've ever seen.

-[laughs] Holy shit! -Jason!

No, this was Alec.

Alec did all of this.

-No, come... -Yeah.

That one dumb kid could not do all this.

You serious? You know who it was? It was Jimmy.

You know that fool be messin'. This is his best one, though.

There's a stain! A wine stain in my rug, baby.

-I can't. You know-- -Come here. It's just a rug.

Come here. It's not ruined.

-Jackie. It's not ruined. -Of course it's ruined.

Look, come on.

Let's go get dressed, all right?

Come on, let's go get dressed. We can go to Home Hardware.

We can get some stain removers. Easy, easy fix.

We gotta go back there anyway. Come on.

We've been there 12 times this week!

We just moved, baby.

We just moved. We gonna keep going back.

You want some Chinese food tonight?

-I know you want some-- -Jason, I want Chinese--

We can go get some Chinese food on the way back.

I hate going to a hardware store.

We just moved, baby. We gotta go.

-But beat it. -Yeah.

-[loud music on radio] -Ah!

♪ One kiss and I fell in love ♪

I didn't do that! I didn't... Did you change my preset?

-No, baby, I did not change-- -Jason. I would not do that.

-Why would I do that? -Baby, stop!

-[tires screeching] -[Catherine] Slow the fuck down!

What is wrong with you?

-My God. -I am so sorry. Are you okay?

Oh, this is a terrible way to meet. I am Jackie.

Yeah. Jackie Stewart.

Uh, no, it's Jackie Taylor. Yeah.

Jackie Stewart was a race car driver.

-Oh. Uh, yeah, I-I'm so... -Right.

-I'm so... I'm so sorry. -No, no, no, I'm fine.

-Name's Catherine. -I'm Jason.

Are-are-are you sure you're okay?

You deaf? I just said I'm fine. You know who's not fine?

My little poo-poo, Brandy Alexander.

Yeah, she chewed on that bone I'm assuming

my lovely new neighbors threw over the fence.

-And now she's sick! -Oh, I-I'm-I'm so sorry.

-Uh, uh, is she okay? -What, are you both morons?

I just said she's sick. She's been at the vet all week.

I am so sorry about that.

And-and we hope she gets better soon.

We insist on payin' that vet bill.

Oh, you don't need to insist.

It's a given.

Don't throw shit in my yard!

-Shit will not be thrown. -L-let's go.

Let's go, baby. Come on.

Look at all the shares we have already.

It's, like, amazing.

Oh, my God. I know, right?

It was such a good idea to post these.

-I know. -You did what?

"Jumping jackasses?"

Yeah. Double Js, like Jackie and Jason.

[laughing] I thought of that.

Clever.

Okay, babe, don't worry. Just, like, look at the comments.

-They're good. -Oh, I'm not worried.

I just don't give a hoot about entertaining

a bunch of carpal tunnel cretins with a scrolling addiction.

-That isn't what life's about. -Alec, what the fuck?

Life's about following rules.

[sighs] If you don't follow the rules,

you have to face the consequences.

Gramps made that very clear.

They made a promise. They didn't keep it.

Consequence, that house is mine.

So...

we keep pranking them until they leave?

-That could work. -Yes.

Technically, they don't own the house yet.

-Mm. -But no more posting.

-Too risky. -Hm.

I mean, sure, they might bail, but you know your dad's

not just gonna, like, give you the house, right?

Yeah, uh, Denny is not gonna go for that one.

But, you know, maybe if we get

a shit ton of likes, follows and shares,

we can make, like, major bank

and you could buy the house back.

And maybe we could live there together.

Please?

Fine, but we can't show our faces.

Okay. Yay!

All right. Let's get a move on.

We are going to blow up, you guys.

The sooner they leave, the better.

-Oh... -Let's go.

Suck my nuts, influencers.

-[Jason] It wasn't him.Uh, it-- -What do you mean it wasn't him?

[Jackie] Baby, we've been through this how many times?

He looked at the listing online and he copied the furniture.

Come on. You know Jimmy be messin'.

Look, I get it, Jimmy messes with everybody's head, but this

is the last time I'm gonna tell you, Alec moved the furniture.

Wasn't Jimmy, wasn't Mark.

[Jason] No, he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't break in.

That's illegal. You know that. You a lawyer.

Well, I'm not a lawyer. You know that.

Okay, a paralegal. I'm sorry. Tomato, tomato.

-Oh, babe. -See? Look.

-I told you, it's gonna be fine. -Aw...

-[intense music] -Ah! Oh, my... Oh, Jason!

[ominous music]

Fuck. Babe?

[knocking on door]

[Sharon] Yoo-hoo. Angel-face.

Okay if I come in?

Sure, mom. Always.

-[door opens] -[Sharon] Hey.

Look at you.

[door shuts]

Oh, it's cozy in here.

I just got back from parent-teacher night.

The teacher said you've been awfully quiet

and keeping to yourself lately.

And I thought, "That's my Alec."

[Sharon laughs]

Always so well-behaved.

Did dad go?

Oh, no, honey. He's still sore.

Thank God you were there when he fell.

My son...

the hero, hm?

[chuckles]

What is it, sweetie?

It's the new people, Jackie and Jason.

I don't think they should get the home.

Well, don't let your father hear you say that.

What about their nice letter?

They broke their promise. They're not following the rules.

I want them gone!

If that's how you really feel, I-I'll talk to your father.

[Sharon] But for now...

my perfect Alec...

you just keep being you.

Hm?

[chuckles]

[ominous music]

[Oldies song blaring on speaker]

[snoring]

[sighs]

What the hell? What time is it?

It's that old bag next door.

Just let's try and ignore it, go back to sleep.

[song continues]

Jason, this is ridiculous!

We have to get up in a few hours.

-Uh... -[mumbles]

[Jackie] Ugh.

[song continues]

Alec, hey, turn that off.

Hey, turn that off, okay?

[speaker turns off]

I'm sorry, I'm just disappointed about the stone and all.

And I wanted everything to be perfect.

-And now it's all ruined. -It's fine. Alec, it's fine.

You know what, let's just, let's call this

water under the bridge.

Now it is very late, so--

I just wanted to be a good neighbor.

That was the plan anyway. I...

[sighs] Sweetie, sweetie, look, it's okay.

I know that you're mourning and I know that you love coming here

to visit your grandfather.

I still love coming here to visit him.

This is where he's buried.

[ominous music]

You're...

-Are you serious? -Yeah.

He's in that plant right over there, fertilizing the soil.

So when we eat the new veggies, gramps will become a part of us.

-Isn't that swell? -[music continues]

Mm-hmm.

♪ Promise me love ♪

[Jackie] Jason, Jason!

Alec is in our backyard, he's in the Jacuzzi

and he has access to our sound system.

[song stops]

And it stopped.

Just try to go back to sleep, baby.

Oh...

He said gramps is buried here.

[Jason chuckling]

Girl, he messin' with you.

[laughs]

He's-he's a weird fuckin' kid, no doubt.

You know them-them Gen Z kids be all about the drama.

I told you, baby, he's harmless.

I know you're not about to go to sleep again

after I just told you there's a dead body in our yard!

Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.

Baby, I am

99.99999% sure

that that little white boy is fuckin' with you.

[laughing]

We have to be sure. There's only one way to be certain.

-Come on, let's go. Come on. -Go where?

-Are you serious? -Jason, we...

-There's a dead body in-- -There's not a dead body!

How are you so sure? I don't get it.

It's... Uh, oh, are you kidding me?

We couldn't do this in the morning?

This thing looks like a coffin.

No, no, I'm not digging first. No, you dig first.

[Jason sighs]

Jackie, you can't bury somebody in a planter, babe.

There's, there's, like, rules against it.

Well, well, what if they did?

It's loo-looking like regular-ass dirt to me.

-[clanks] -Oh, oh, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What is that? What is...

It's... Maybe it's rocks, probably.

-That didn't sound like rock. -Come on, babe.

Jason.

[Jason clears throat]

-Holy motherfuckin' shit! -Ah! Oh! Oh, my God!

-Hell, no! Hell, no! -Wait. Wait, wait.

-What you doin'? Don't touch it! -Wait!

-Hold up. Baby... -Stop! Oh, no.

-This place is fucked! -It's fake!

-It's fucked, babe. I'm out! -Jason.

[Jackie] Come here. It's fake, but it's annoying.

[snoring]

I'm getting a restraining order.

That's a little extreme.

Come on, baby, grief makes people do strange things.

I don't care. I'm getting cameras and an alarm.

We can't just start drilling holes into the walls for cameras

or-or-or sign a-an alarm contract until we own the place.

Baby, we moved here because it was safe.

Well, I don't feel safe.

You just don't wanna pay for it.

[doorbell ringing]

-You Jackie Taylor? -Yes.

-That's me. -Officer Tom.

You called in something about a domestic disturbance?

Okay, we just moved in. We are being terrorized, okay?

Messing with our furniture, blaring music,

there are fake corpses in the garden.

Yeah, corpses. Well, I'll tell you what?

It sounds like maybe just some neighborhood kids

having a little fun with ya.

You know, this whole area's been kind of a hot spot

ever since that woman went missing.

Yeah, I saw the posters. What happened?

Um, I don't know. It's missing. That's the whole thing.

-Please, don't ask. -Well, it's not random kids.

I know who did it. His name is Alec Todd.

Alec Todd? No. That kid's a square.

Well, look, you have any proof of this? Any evidence?

No, I don't have evidence, but I know he did it, he left

a dead rat right here on this stoop.

Oh. You have a security system, cameras, anything like that?

We're working on it.

You do that, I'll type up these notes

and we'll have everything on record.

But you didn't write anything down.

Don't worry about it.

It's all up here.

You have a good day.

That's it? Are you kidding me?

What-what if, what if he does it again?

Okay. Have a good day.

Oh, my...

I'm sorry about the cops, babe. They didn't do nothing as usual.

-But are we surprised? -We are not.

-We are not. -Mm-hmm.

-Thank you. Hm. -Um, Jason.

So I was changin' the locks and I was thinking,

"Screw it. Why don't we just back out of the deal?"

Oh...

[sighs] Okay.

I hear you. I thought the same thing.

But, baby, we gave up our rent-controlled apartment.

Okay, but we can find another one.

We're not gonna find this deal.

-Yeah. -Come on.

Baby, think about our future.

Right? Think about us raising our kids here.

Look around. This-this is our dream house.

Yes, Jason, this is our dream house,

but this is turning into a nightmare.

-A nightmare, babe? -Mm-hmm.

I don't think it's, like, really...

It's not a nightmare, is it?

They're playing jokes. It's funny.

-Baby. -Baby?

And I-I-I know I freaked out about the skeleton prank,

but you gotta admit, that was impressive.

-That was not funny. -[Jason] It-it was funny.

After the fact, we was both laughing.

-[Jackie] No. -[chuckles]

Come on, I think we just have

a good old-fashioned hazing on our hands. That's it.

Really? Uh, you think this kid's just testing us?

To see we're worthy of this house?

Something like that.

It's just some stupid-ass kids playing some stupid-ass jokes.

And you know what we about to do? We about to play some stup--

-Stop, that's not funny. -We... That's what we gonna do!

Every video gets more hits and likes than the last.

-Are you serious? -Yeah.

-We are not blowing. -[chuckles] We are!

-[chuckles] -This is about more than that.

Yeah, some comments are hella dark.

-Though. -Let's hear.

"Stop playing and kill them already."

-Oh. -Yeah, I don't...

Gramps said, "Patience makes waiting a pleasure."

-Now let's go. Masks on. -Okay.

[suspenseful music]

[dramatic music]

[keys jingling]

[Alec] Oh, crud! They changed the locks.

[Ray] What?

-They changed the locks. -Yeah, finally.

Duh. I mean...

It doesn't matter, I know every inch of this house,

from soil to sky. They'll never keep me out.

Yeah.

Let's go. Move it or lose it.

[music continues]

[leaves rustling]

-[explosion] -Oh, oh, fucking shit!

[laughter]

Whatever. That was mid. Alec, take me home.

-What? -Alec, now. Please.

[laughter]

-[rustling] -[screaming]

[laughing] Hey, get off my lawn!

[laughing] Oh, I got y'all good. I got y'all good!

-Yeah, okay, boomer! -They're not boomers. They're...

[laughing] Hey, dumbasses! Yeah!

And I'm a millennial, little boy!

Shit!

-Babe, have you seen my keys? -[Jackie] No!

-A-and I looked for it-- -I got this emergency job!

I gotta go!

You know what, I'm gonna use the spare!

[Jackie] Don't lose those, too.

No, I didn't lose it! I misplaced... Whatever!

-[Jackie] What? -Nothing!

All right, I'm leaving! I love you!

[Jackie] Love you, too!

[suspenseful music]

[Jason] Oh, man! What the fuck?

[Jason grunting]

Oh, oh, shit!

[Jason groaning]

[muffled screaming]

[Jason groaning, panting]

[groaning]

[grunts] That shit's not funny anymore! Alec, where you at?

[panting]

Fuck!

That little shit. We need to talk to his parents.

[panting] Yeah, fine.

Yeah, we'll, um, we'll invite 'em over for dinner this weekend

after closing to say it's to celebrate.

Jason, we need a full-on security system.

Babe, we're broke. We sunk all our money into this place.

Our best option is to speak to his parents.

I am sick of this, Jason, because if we had

more money, we'd have more options.

Well, too bad we don't make more money.

Seriously? You know I could have been a lawyer by now--

And you know we didn't have the money.

We would have been fine, but you wanted

to save, save, save because you wanted to open

a contracting business. You wanted a down payment.

Hold up. You wanted this place, too.

The big house, the big family. These are our plans.

-So don't put this all on me. -You're putting this on me.

Okay? Oh, would you look at that?

Your keys, Magellan.

[dramatic music]

-No, I looked here. -Mm.

-Yeah. -[keys jingling]

[Jason sighs]

[panting]

[panting]

[sighs] I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry. -Baby, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[Jason panting]

I love you, babe. Babe, I just... I...

[inhales sharply] I need this to work.

We need this to work.

Babe, this place is gonna set us up for life.

I know. I know.

Okay?

[Sharon sighs] Welcome, everyone.

-To the house. -[all] To the house.

You know, I haven't had pasta in 15 years.

-[Jason] Really? -Yeah.

Alec is gluten-free,

but what a treat for us.

[Jackie] Denny, uh, Sharon, I-I have to say

thank you again for everything.

We're just so happy to finally be out of the city

and really looking forward to starting

our own family together.

Oh. It's a wonderful home for children.

After all, Alec grew up here. Ha-ha-ha...

Speaking of Alec--

I could speak of Alec all day.

-Ain't that the fucking truth? -[Jackie] Well, yeah, we...

You know, we've noticed that, um, you know, he's a little

upset about the changes that have been happening here.

Yeah, especially the, um, the-the handprints.

Well, Alec is a very sensitive and emotional young man

who has a lot to process

since the unbearable death of his grandfather.

[Jason] No, yeah, no, we-we agree.

Yeah, it's-it's just, you know, it's...

Him and his crew, they've been,

they've been, uh, they've been hazing us a bit, so...

Oh, kids do that to their friends.

-They must think you're cool. -Ah...

Well, Sharon, actually, they have been hazing us quite a lot.

Guess they think you're very cool, hm?

[chuckles] Look...

it's getting a little serious.

Oh, Alec can be serious sometimes.

Alec can be so very many things.

You know, every year we sit at this table on his birthday

and we make a list of all things that make Alec Alec.

[Sharon laughs] And then we blow out the candles

and wish for whatever Alec wants.

We always use trick candles, of course.

[chuckles]

You ready, Alec? Oh, my little poopy.

Ooh, yes! Ah. Blow out candles.

[blowing]

Blow out candles.

[Sharon blowing, chuckling]

Blow out candles.

[Sharon blowing, chuckling]

[Sharon] Oh, blow out candles, please.

[Sharon blowing, chuckling]

-[bangs] -Ah!

[eerie music]

[Sharon panting]

[Alec breathing heavily]

What my wife's trying to say is, don't worry.

Mm, mm, I may have taken my foot

off the gas pedal a little bit recently

with regards to the whole gramps dying thing.

But when it comes to it...

I know how to control my son.

Now...

what's for dessert?

[Jason sighs]

-Oh. -The fridge, it's, um...

-I... It's in the-- -Yeah. No, I'll, um...

-You wanna-- -I'll go get it.

[eerie music]

[Alec breathing heavily]

[birds chirping]

-[Jason grunts] -[keys jingling]

[car engine starts]

Oh, Jason! Oh.

Where are my keys? Oh, what?

[mumbles]

What is going on here?

[Jackie] What? Jason, Jason, are you still there?

Oh, God, what is, what is going on here?

[sighs] Ah.

-[car lock beeps] -[car engine starts]

What is going on here?

Hey! Can somebody hear me?

[ominous music]

Oh.

[dramatic music]

[insects buzzing]

[coughing] Oh, my God! Jason!

[mumbling]

No. Help!

[coughing]

[dramatic music]

I'm gonna kill that kid.

[car engine starts]

[tires screeching]

[coughing] Jason!

-[indistinct yelling] -[Jackie] Somebody help me!

Oh, my... Fuck!

-[breathing heavily] -[coughing]

-[Jackie choking] -[dramatic music]

[choking, coughing]

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

Jackie? Jackie, Jackie!

Shit! Jackie, Jackie?

-Jackie. What the fuck? -[groans] Oh, my God.

-[both coughing] -Come on, baby.

-[Jackie coughing] -What happened?

[music continues]

[sniffles]

[sighs]

[ominous music]

I'm getting a gun.

I'm gonna pretend that you didn't say that.

Um, not to use it. Maybe just scare him.

No! We need an alarm system, Jason.

We're gonna have to ask my mom for money again.

Please, no, no, no, no. No more, no more borrowing money.

-No! -Please.

Jason, he could have killed me!

Baby...

I am gonna keep you safe. I promise you that.

The garage door was locked, uh, the car just started on its own.

-That's what you said. -No, that is what happened.

I am scared.

I know.

I know.

[insects chirping]

[dramatic music]

[sighs]

[breathing heavily]

[music continues]

[intense music]

[sighing]

Jackie?

[dramatic music]

Jackie?

[Jackie] Hi, this is Jackie Taylor.

Sorry I missed your call.

[ominous music]

[upbeat music on video]

[music stops]

Jackie? Jackie?

Jackie?

Jackie, please answer me!

What the hell's wrong with you? What?

-[ominous music] -Look at this.

-What? -[upbeat music on video]

No. Jason. Oh, my God.

We have to call the police. I'm calling the police.

[music stops]

[dramatic music]

Idiots used my bat. Now it's evidence.

-Oh, good thinking. -Yup.

[doorbell ringing]

-Damn, that was fast. -What?

[door creaking]

-What the.. -There's nobody.

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

Come on.

[Jackie sighs]

[music continues]

Shit, Jason. Look, they put it all back.

Somebody's about to get hurt.

-[Tom] Oh, drop the weapon. -No, I'm showing you...

-[Jason groans] -Stop! That is myfiance!

-He lives here! -[Jason groans]

Dispatch said something about a guy with a bat.

This is a guy with a bat.

We're showing it to you as evidence!

-Why would you... -Oh, my God!

-You know us! -[Tom] I know her.

We haven't had the pleasure. I, I'm Officer Tom.

-Is there someone in the house? -Yes! Uh, no. May-maybe.

Look, listen, we stepped outside for one second,

then this is back. You okay?

-Uh-huh-huh. -[Jackie] I don't know.

We stepped outside for one second, and then this.

[Jackie] This is back on the wall!

[Tom] "A good man is a good neighbor."

-Mm, can't argue with that. -[Jason] Oh, here, just, uh...

-Here. Just watch this, okay? -Yeah.

[indistinct song on video]

[Jason moaning on video]

Oh, no, no, no. No, that's not--

No, wait, wait, wait! But maybe it's at the end, babe.

[indistinct chatter]

[Jason]Big daddy cumming in

five, four, three, two, one!

-[Jason moaning on video] -[Jackie on video]Whoo!

I thought we weren't gonna do the countdown anymore.

Okay. That's that.

-Thank God. -That was them!

That looked like it was you two.

-No. -Uh...

Officer, that was the...

Well, yeah, that-that part obviously was us.

We did the... Come on, uh, they filmed it!

Folks, I'm gonna level with you, I have been up to my eyeballs

with this missing woman, all right?

And between you, me and the plaque on the wall,

I got nothing.

So I don't know what all of this is,

but law-enforcement resources are precious.

And I do not have time for these games.

Officer, these are not games. Okay?

-You-you have to believe us. -I'll tell you what I believe.

Either you two have some kind of fetish.

-Or you're just flat out lying. -No, we're not lying.

Okay, so it's the fetish.

That's up to you. Just leave me out of it.

Officer, they were in our bedroom

swinging my bat at our heads!

All right, I'm gonna tell you what I told her the first time

I came here, if you're worried that someone is in your house,

get a security system and get some cameras.

-Some additional cameras. -Yeah.

All right. I'm sorry I tased you.

Jason, we are going to have to do that.

Fine! Uh, say we do borrow money and get a security system.

It's gonna take 'em, what, days to install it and get out here.

We can have a gun by tomorrow.

I don't even wanna hear you mention this gun thing anymore.

-We're not gun people. -Well, maybe we should be.

Jason, promise me we will not get a gun.

-Promise me! -Fine!

And we're not leaving this house.

[instrumental music]

[owl hooting]

[ominous music]

Babe.

[door shuts]

[music continues]

[clatters]

-[eerie music] -[birds chirping]

[Jason screaming]

-[groaning] -[water sloshing]

F-fuck.

[spits]

[panting]

[Jackie] Ah! Oh! Oh, my God! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ba-baby!

I think he poisoned my contact solution!

Oh. Oh, my, God.

-[grunts] -What?

[grunts] Fuck!

-Baby, it burns! It stings! -Oh, shit!

-Fucking ice! Ice! -Ah. Okay, okay.

-You stay over here. -Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

Oh. Oh.

-They took the ice. -What?

[Jason exhales sharply]

There's nothing but fucking milk.

Milk? Wait, wait, that actually might help.

Bring it, bring it over here.

Oh, my God. Okay.

-Here? -It stings. Yeah, just, uh...

Here, here, okay. Oh, whoa.

-Yo, that feels good. -Is it working?

Baby, yes. I can already feel better.

All right. Oh, oh.

Baby, this is insane, okay? We need to go to a hotel--

-We cannot afford a hotel. -Okay, fine! Well...

-I'll talk to Alec's parents. -No, we cannot leave this house!

-They might come back! -Okay, well, you stay.

I'm gonna go. But help me. Help me.

[Jackie] It's helping. The milk is helping.

Let me just change. Go upstairs.

[engine idling]

[engine revving]

[crashing]

[dramatic music]

I don't believe this!

I do. I've seen you drive.

-I am so sorry. -You got perfect timing, kiddo.

I whipped up a batch of my famous dark chocolate

cherry cookies to thank you guys

for saving Brandy Alexander's life.

Oh, Catherine, thank you. I-I've gotta go, but...

Wait. Saved her life?

Elevated liver enzymes. Yeah.

If your jackass husband didn't give her that rotten bone,

she never would have gone to the vet in time.

[sniffles] These your grown-up clothes?

Uh, what? No, no. Uh, uh...

Catherine, do you know Alec Todd?

Pff! Of course I know him. Can't stand him.

He is making our lives a living hell.

I'm gonna go talk to his parents.

He's always been a bad apple.

His grandfather didn't wanna see it, but I did.

I see everything.

Except on the computer when they say,

"Do you see an elephant or an old man?"

To me it just looks like a mountain. Ah...

Well, when I tell his parents what he's done this time...

-They're gonna tell him to stop. -Don't bet on it, dear.

The dad's not right and the mom's

a few crayons short of a box.

Let me give you a piece of advice.

In this world, in this life, on this block

you want something done right, you better do it yourself.

Save some of those cookies for the jackass.

[birds chirping]

[rattling]

When is this gonna stop?

I don't know.

I usually shoot for around a half hour, hour tops.

Cut the crap.

A little help?

Can I have my ball?

No, you can't because playtime is over.

Those aren't the rules.

[chuckles] Listen to me.

You and your friends, you're gonna find something else to do

with your time, or you're gonna be very, very sorry.

I'm not sorry very often, Ms. Jackie Taylor.

I don't do a heck of a lot to be sorry for.

[chuckles] Listen, you little shit.

Playtime's over, all right?

Gramps has said the house is ours.

And if you do anything to us again,

i-if you even set foot on our property,

I will fucking kill you. Got it?

You do anything, and you're dead!

Good thing you didn't become a lawyer

because you would have sucked at it.

[Jackie on video]Got it? You do anything, and you're dead.

[chuckles] Oh.

[birds chirping]

[ominous music]

[Jackie exhales sharply]

So it went well?

[sighs] He recorded me, Jason.

I turned my back for one second,

and he recorded me threatening him.

I gotta give it to that little shit. He's smart.

Yeah, if we were smart, we'd get the hell out of here.

Yeah, don't. Jackie, come on!

Look, I'm-I'm mad as hell, too, but there is...

[sighs] there is no way I am giving up the chance

to provide for our kids the life we didn't have

just because some punk-ass white boy misses his pop-pop.

No, we stand our ground and they'll be

off to college soon enough anyway.

Okay, so what happens in the meantime? More?

I mean, more breaking and entering? More bloody mouths?

Jason, you're fighting for this house

harder than you're fighting for us.

No, it's the truth.

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[intense music]

Why were you talking to the Moss woman today?

Just being neighborly.

[Denny] I told you to leave those people alone.

Yet you chose to go back over to that goddamn house.

And now I'm gonna teach you a lesson you won't forget.

Enough of your lessons, Denny.

You don't follow the rules.

It's time you got a lesson of your own.

I know you're the reason I whack my fucking head!

And I know what else you've done.

You can't prove anything.

-[door shuts] -Yoo-hoo! Mommy alert!

Yeah, yeah, just, uh,

helping the boy straighten up and...

-But, uh... -[dramatic music]

What is that stink?

[Denny] Why is there a lock on this door?

I didn't say you could put a lock on that door.

Why is there a lock on that door, Alec?

[music continues]

-[doorknob rattles] -[panting]

[Sharon] Who's in there, Alec?

Alec, get over here and unlock that door. We'll just...

[Denny] Son, I know who you are and I know what you've done,

all right? Just get over here and unlock the-the door.

Unlock the fucking door, Alec.

Get over here and unlock the fucking door right now!

[dramatic music]

Go ahead.

Open it for yourself.

Or maybe it's better to not know.

Oh, God! Oh, God, sweet Alec!

-[shushing] -[Sharon] What did you do?

Hey, zip it!

-[dramatic music] -[Sharon sobbing]

[intense music]

[Sharon whimpers]

[dramatic music]

See? I knew it. I knew Alec wouldn't do it.

-[thudding] -[Sharon screaming]

[Denny screaming]

-[banging on door] -[Sharon] Alec!

Alec!

[screaming] Oh, my God! Jason!

Pool! Now!

[Jackie whimpering]

[Jason] Shit, shit!

[Jackie] Jason! Oh, my God!

-Stand back, stand back. -Baby. Okay, go, go, go.

-[ominous music] -[Jackie] Is he, is he dead?

Well, it's probably one of his damn pranks.

[music continues]

Give it to me, Jason.

-[gasps] Shit! -Can I have a towel?

-[Alec laughs] -Get out of the pool, man.

-[Jason] Really? -[Alec chuckles]

Whoops.

[Ethan chuckles]

Go on.

-Ah! Oh, my God! -[chuckles]

-You want it? You want it? -Give...

[grunts] Give it to me.

Come on.

[intense music]

-[Jason grunting] -Come on. It's okay. Oh.

-Come on. Okay, okay. -[Jason grunting]

Oh, my God. Baby, are you okay?

No, I'm not okay, okay?

-We need to leave tonight! -Yeah.

Yeah, okay, we'll get a hotel

for a couple nights and we'll game-plan.

No, Jason, not a couple of nights!

We need to move tonight, forever!

We are not moving! Babe, this is our house!

This is not the Jason Moss that I know.

This is not the Jason Moss that I agreed to marry.

No, no, no, this is that Jason Moss,

and we are not leaving this house!

[grunts] Asshole!

Look...

You hear me, Alec Todd? You hear me?

I'm not leaving this house!

My name is Jason Moss and I ain't never leaving this house!

I've got a good one.

No video this time.

I'll get you two later.

[suspenseful music]

[owl hooting]

[instrumental music on stereo]

[indistinct song on stereo]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

♪ I'm just a little kind of guy ♪

[humming]

♪ I'm just a little kind of guy ♪

[humming]

♪ I can't explain the way I feel ♪

♪ I only know my love is real 'cause I ♪

Well, look who's up and at 'em!

[Jason grunting]

You didn't wanna leave, so now you have to stay.

[Jason grunting]

You know, I couldn't help but notice,

your bathroom toilet's clogged.

Looks like you could use some help with your plumbing!

[muffled screaming]

Why, we aren't expecting any guest.

[Jason grunting]

[birds chirping]

Uh, sorry, I can't let you in. The place is a mess right now.

Okay, sus. We were worried. We were calling and texting you.

Yeah, you got crappy service

in the, in the, in the bathroom or something?

-I... -What is that?

Bad manners on my part.

I should have let you know, I came back last night

to hash things out with Jason and Jackie.

Whelp, to turn a diddy into a did,

we won't be seeing them around here anymore.

Oh, my God, babe, that's amazing!

They sell and we'll keep the show going for whoever buys

the house next. It'll be likeFargo.

No, no, no, there won't be

anymore selling or anymore buying.

Gramps always said that one day I'd be the man of this house.

And that starts today.

For real?

[Ethan] Yeah, Alec, you know, I-I feel like

your dad might have something to say about that.

Well, no one's listening.

-[chuckles] -Well, all right.

Suck it, Denny!

-[laughing] -Let's go.

Uh, listen, I'd love to invite you both in,

but I have a lot of things to tend to.

Let's catch up later, huh?

-[Ray] Okay. -All right.

[birds chirping]

[Ethan whistling]

[Ray humming]

We're doing it, gramps.

-[muffled screaming] -[door opens]

[muffled screaming]

You let it out, Jackie.

-No one's going to hear you. -[muffled screaming] Please!

[Alec] Gramps and I replaced the windows two years ago.

Double pane.

-How appropriate. -[sobbing]

-[muffled screaming] -That sound sure is annoying.

How can you stand it?

[Jackie] No! No, Alec...

[muffled screaming]

[Alec] Oh, I understand.

Why let the little lady get all the attention?

You want in on the action?

[groaning, coughing]

Alec, please, no. Please let us go! Please let us go!

[groaning]

[Alec] Very funny, Jackie!

I gave you so many chances, and now you wanna go?

[groaning, coughing]

-Please, please. -Now you wanna go?

[breathing heavily]

[sobbing, coughing]

Oh, please, Al...

We won't tell anybody, please.

-[Jason grunting] -Please, no, no, no.

You're a liar! You're both liars!

[Alec] Gramps hated liars.

And you two just can't seem to respect his rules.

[Jason grunting]

[indistinct song on stereo]

[grunting]

By now I thought you'd know that.

But let's give it another go, shall we?

[grunting]

Number five. What does it say, Jason?

-A promise must never be broken. -A little louder!

-[grunts] -A promise must never be broken!

-[groans] -Oh! No!

[Jason groans]

I asked you, Jason.

[groaning, panting]

The promise must...

The promise must never be broken.

-[Alec] So you do understand. -[screaming]

And yet you both broke your promise,

the promise you made in your letter.

The same promise that convinced me

to let you live in this house!

-[mumbles] -You didn't follow the rules!

We're sorry. Please, we're sorry!

Alec, Alec, man, we're sorry, man.

We're truly sorry, all right?

No, you're not... but you will be.

Something is wrong over there. Think about it.

Why was Jason's car still in the driveway?

I don't know, maybe he forgot it.

Oh, my God, are we on the same timeline

or what? No, we need to go back.

We need to figure out what's going on.

Yeah, something is definitely wrong, I'll

admit that, but Alec said he'd catch up

with us later, so let's just listen to him.

Do you just listen to everything he says?

Ray...

Alec has been my best friend since kindergarten.

I was small, my mom was a drunk.

Everyone always made fun of me, except for Alec.

That guy is my ride or die.

Ethan, do it for the plot.

-Let's go. Let's go. -You better be right.

[Ray] I am. I am right. Let's go.

[instrumental music]

♪ I'm gonna run ♪

♪ I'm gonna roll ♪

♪ I'm gonna party tonight ♪

♪ Like to save my dough gonna move ♪

♪ You got the groove ♪ ♪ Got the groove ♪

♪ Gonna say things... if you don't know ♪

♪ Gonna make things right... ♪

♪ Do you mind? ♪ ♪ Do you mind? ♪

Look what I found, Jackie. This is yours, isn't it?

Yeah. My engagement ring.

[sobbing]

Wow, Jason. Big spender.

[both groaning]

[whimpering]

[grunts]

But it's a little loose, huh?

-Mm-hmm. -[panting]

[sobbing]

Tighten it, Jason.

Tighten it!

[Jason grunting]

[sobbing]

-[Jason grunts] -[Jackie] Go, go, go, go, Jason.

-Go, go, go, go. -[grunts]

Baby, baby, go, go, go, go.

-[Jackie sobbing] -[grunts]

-[coughing] -Fucking with me?

[gasps] Jason.

-[Jason] No, no, no, no. No, no. -Tighten it, Jason.

-[Jackie sobbing] -Tighten it, Jason, now.

No, no, no.

-[Alec] Tighten it. -[grunting]

[sighs] Jason, just do it.

[sobbing]

Yeah, just like that.

-[grunts] -[panting]

-[Jason groans] -Look at me, Jason!

Oh, no! No, please! No, please!

[coughing]

If you don't tighten it, it's gonna get a lot worse for her.

Okay. Okay.

Jason, Jason, okay, just-just do it.

Please, baby, just do it. It's okay, baby. Just do it.

Please don't make me.

Fine then, Jason!

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. It's okay. Just do it.

-[Alec] Now! -[Jackie sobbing]

[Alec] Good. Yeah.

[Jason] Uh, I'm sorry.

-[Jackie screaming] -Shut up!

[groaning]

I'm sorry, baby.

[Alec] Keep tightening it.

[Jason] I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

I'm sorry I fought for this house more than I fought for us.

-[screaming] -[indistinct chatter]

I love you, baby.

Shut up and keep tightening it.

Well, please.

Just like that.

[Jackie groaning]

[screaming]

[sobbing] I'm sorry.

-I love you. -[Ray] Stop!

Dude, you're gonna snap her finger off.

Alec, they're really hurt. Okay, you-you don't wanna do this.

This is, this is too much. This is too much.

-[mumbles] -[sobbing]

You're not gonna get away with this.

-[Jason coughing] -Come on, guys!

We're just starting to have some real fun!

Besides, this is all going online!

So there's no such thing as too far. Right, babe?

[panting] Listen, I'm gonna show you both something.

It is sure to go viral!

[chuckles]

[Ethan] No, no, no, no, no.

Th-this is way wrong, man.

Hurry up and do your business, Brandy Alexander.

Mommy's shows are almost on.

-[Jackie screaming] -[machine whirling]

[Jackie] No! Alec, no!

You run on home, sweetie.

Mommy needs to make a pop-in.

-[indistinct chatter] -[Jackie screaming]

Didn't I tell you to put gramps' tools away?

-No! -[Ray] Stop, Alec!

No, Alec, stop, please!

-[machine whirling] -Oh...

Ethan, you need to go do something!

-What am I supposed to do? -No, no!

-[screaming] -Oh, my God...

[machine whirling]

-[Jason] Oh, my God... -Alec, this is way wrong, man.

[Ray] We thought it was just scaring them online for posts!

Yeah, not killing them!

Come on, get with the program, you two!

-Alec... -They didn't follow the rules.

Now they face the consequences!

Just give me the weed-whacker.

[grunting]

These two liars are gonna die,

and you're gonna get a grand finale for the show!

-Two birds! -Give me the weed-whacker.

-[Alec] No. -Alec...

Why are you doing this?

We've been friends since we were five!

Yeah, but you were trying to saw somebody in half

with a fucking weed-whacker!

[Ethan] We are way past the point of bro code!

Hell of a way to spend a Saturday night, you two.

[Alec] So what? You're gonna stop me, huh?

Yeah! Alec, if I have to!

-[Ray] Alec, stop! -[Alec grunting]

-Ah! -Baby.

Shh. Save your strength, untie your husband.

I'll deal with the town's psychopath.

[Catherine] Alec Todd, you little shit!

I've known you were rotten to the core

since the moment I laid my eyes on you!

The worst thing to ever happen to this neighborhood!

I never liked your grandfather and I never liked you!

-[groans] -No.

Oh, my God, no! Ah, ah!

A good man is a good neighbor.

-[screaming] -No!

[Jackie] Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

No! Oh, my God, no! Oh, my God.

[Alec grunting]

[screaming]

[Jackie] Oh! Oh, my God, no!

[screaming]

-[grunts] -[Jackie] No!

-No! -What, what did just happen?

-[Jason] No! -[Jackie screaming]

I'm gonna call the cops, okay?

You two fight, uh,

and take care of Brandy Alexa...

[Jason] No! No! [Jackie] No! Oh, my God!

Jackie! Jackie, go! Jackie, get help! Go!

-Jackie, go! -Jason, Jason!

Go! Ah!

[grunts] Fuck!

[grunting] Shit!

Ah! Oh, my God, help me! Somebody help me! Oh!

Ah, and now you're gonna get it.

[Alec grunts]

[instrumental music]

[groaning]

[Jason panting]

Jackie, no!

[Jason grunting]

[Jackie groaning]

[grunting]

Jackie!

[rattling]

[grunting]

[screaming]

Jackie! Jackie!

[choking]

[grunts]

[groans]

[Jason panting, groaning]

[grunting]

[screaming]

Fuck! Ah! Fuck!

Ah! Fuck! Ah...

[both grunting]

I am the man of this house!

[panting]

[screaming]

[groaning]

[dramatic music]

Jackie. Jackie!

[Jackie panting]

[Jackie] Ah, Jason, I'm not okay.

[groaning]

-Is he dead? -[Jason] He better be.

[panting] Come on, let's get help. Come on.

And I've, I got you. I got you.

Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait, we called the police. We called the police.

-They're on the way. -Okay, okay.

[Jason] Just help me get her there.

-[all panting] -Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, get in.

-Are you okay? -[groaning]

[Jason grunts]

-No, no, no, no. -Sit up, sit up.

Baby, baby, look at me, look at me. You're fine.

-You're gonna be fine. -Am I gonna die, Jason?

No, no, you're gonna be fine. I'm right here with you.

Okay? All right? They're on their way.

They're on their, they're on their way, right?

They're on their way? Yeah. They're on their way.

No, no, baby. Look at me. Look at me. Look, hey, hey!

-[Jason] Hey. -[dramatic music]

[panting]

[indistinct song]

[grunting]

[screaming]

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ You know I love you and I miss you ♪

[grunts]

♪ One kiss and I shall ♪

[grunts]

[indistinct song]

[grunting]

♪ When I met you my ♪

Follow the rules or face the consequences.

[panting]

[Jason] Hold on a little bit more, okay?

-Hold on tight for me, please. -[Jackie] I can't.

-Hold on, okay? Okay? -Jason?

-Jason. -Hey. Yeah.

-Jason, he's coming. -[gasps] Fuck.

[Alec] The rules.

Alec...

-Face the consequences. -Coming...

-Get off my lawn! -Ah!

-[screaming] -Get off!

[screaming]

Get off!

[siren wailing]

-[Jackie] Oh, Jason. -Oh, they're here.

Look, I got it all on camera. I got it all on camera.

-Oh, gross! -[screaming on video]

You know what? I bet he killed that real-estate woman, too.

All right. Alec Todd, you're under arrest.

You have the right to remain...

Well...

Hang in there, folks. Help is on the way.

♪ Lovers underneath the blue night ♪

♪ Shoo shoo shoooo ♪

[Tom] This is Officer Tom, I got a code three

at gramps' old place. Requesting additional units.

[instrumental music]

[dramatic music]

[birds chirping]

[Jackie] Honey, is this kid gonna be a jerk?

They're our kid. It'll be great.

No, how would we know if he behaves, uh, if he's polite,

if he knows right from wrong? It's just so much pressure.

Baby, relax.

All we gotta do is lay down some rules.

[ominous music]

[chuckles]

[evil laughter]

♪ Yeah the pressure's on ♪

♪ Doing anything to win it ♪

♪ Anything to change how we livingfocus on the mission ♪

♪ 'Cause it's already written going down the road ♪

♪ Eyes closed mind open no faith no hope ♪

♪ Doing anything to win it ♪

♪ Anything to change how we live it ♪

♪ Focus on the mission 'cause it's already written ♪

♪ Going down the road eyes closed mind open ♪

♪ No faith no hope ♪

[instrumental music]

[Alec]Gramps' house rules.

Number one, never show up empty-handed.

Number two, never turn your back on family.

Number three, a good man is a good neighbor.

Number four, don't give in to temptation.

Number five, a promise must never be broken.

Follow the rules or face the consequences.

♪ Cold dark road behind the picket fence ♪

♪ Things really change but some of it makes sense ♪

♪ Living in the past we feel in the present tense ♪

♪ The bed messed up don't even know where I went ♪

♪ Inside the house before the street lights on ♪

♪ Get the noise down my favorite show is on ♪

♪ Cleaning up the mess I do it before I'm gone ♪

♪ Get ready for tomorrow before the break of dawn ♪

♪ Out with the old and in with the new ♪

♪ Cloudy weather outside the sky is blue ♪

♪ Get a newspaper or turn on the news ♪

♪ Winds a lesson still putting on my shoes ♪

♪ Glass broken mirror ba-banging behind the wall ♪

♪ Different lifestyle we driving the same cars ♪

♪ Stay on the sidewalk the sign's in the yard ♪

♪ I'mma show you who the main one's in charge ♪

♪ G-g-glass broken mirror b-banging behind the wall ♪

♪ Different lifestyle we driving the same car ♪

♪ Stay on the sidewalk the sign's in the yard ♪

♪ I'mma show you who the main one's in charge ♪

♪ Get off my get off my lawn ♪

♪ It's my house it's my rule so stay on this route ♪

♪ Be respectful or just get out ♪

♪ Keep it low don't come with a big mouth ♪

♪ Seeing different views while turning it to a home ♪

♪ B-bad air vents this fan I let it roll ♪

♪Big TVs it turn right to a phone ♪

♪ This is my picture no one's getting blown ♪

♪ Out with the old and in with the new ♪

♪ Cloudy weather outside the sky's blue ♪

♪ Get a newspaper or turn on the news ♪

♪ Winds a lesson still putting on my shoes ♪

♪ Glass broken mirror b-banging behind the wall ♪

♪ Different lifestyle we driving the same cars ♪

♪ Stay on the sidewalk the sign's in the yard ♪

♪ I'mma show you who the main one's in charge ♪

♪ G-g-glass broken mirror b-banging behind the wall ♪

♪ Different lifestyle we driving the same car ♪

♪ Stay on the sidewalk the sign is in the yard ♪

♪ I'mma show you who the main one's is charge ♪

♪ G-g-glass broken mirror b-banging behind the wall ♪

♪ Different lifestyle we driving the same car ♪

♪ Stay on the sidewalk the sign is in the yard ♪

♪ I'mma show you who the main one's in charge ♪

♪ G-g-glass broken mirror b-banging behind the wall ♪

♪ Different lifestyle we driving the same car ♪

♪ Stay on the sidewalk the sign's in the yard ♪

♪ I'mma show you who the main one's in charge ♪

♪ Get off my lawn ♪

♪ Ooh hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Ah ah ♪

♪ Get off my lawn ♪