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- Happy holidays. This is Kit Crash

on Drive Time Chicago.

I am back with award-winning author

Jordan Dawkins, whose new book, "The Evils of Christmas,"

is number two on The New York Times Best Seller List,

and we're about to wrap it up, but I gotta ask you,

Mr. Dawkins, so what are you saying to people

who say this is just a gimmick to sell books?

Or did something happen to you?

- Absolutely, something did happen, I grew up.

Yeah, I woke up one morning, and I asked myself,

what the heck is all this Christmas nonsense about anyway?

- So true, my friend, so true, preach.

[chuckling]

- I mean, how long are we as evolved,

intelligent and educated human beings going to

continue this Christmas farce?

- This is a great question, and if you're lucky,

maybe Jordan will answer it for you tonight.

He's doing a reading and signing books tonight

at Chicago's very own Peter Street Station Books.

Thank you again. The author of "The Evils of Christmas,"

Mr. Jordan Dawkins.

- I know some people say we live in a cynical world,

a divided world.

Well I say the world's problems are due to the fact that

half of us live in truth

and the other half live in fiction.

So if tomorrow morning you're sitting in front

of your tackily-decorated pagan evergreen tree,

devouring your heathen feasts and opening presents

that are born of the idolatrous god of the almighty dollar,

then you might as well break out your stone altar,

sharpen your favorite- - This is my favorite part.

- Grab your neighbor's virginal daughter.

- It's so great.

[laughter]

He's really into it, I love it.

- Yeah.

Who would've thought that "Evils of Christmas"

would be a bestseller?

- Married, miserable people every single day of the year,

then you have evolved.

- This is crazy. - There is no white, bearded

overweight toy delivery man-- - This is amazing.

- Watching everything you do. - Look at these people.

- Look at these people. - They're eating this up.

- Around the whole world in a night,

and peace and goodwill toward men is a hollow hope.

[mysterious chiming]

[attendees whispering]

Oh.

With that said, if someone can convince me otherwise,

I will happily change my mind

and bellow a jolly "Ho, ho, ho."

[attendees laughing] The end, thank you.

Thank you guys. [applauding]

[cheering]

- Look at this.

They love him.

I still can't believe this.

- You don't have to believe it.

You're his manager, he's your client.

Just cash those checks.

- It's just so odd.

I mean he's such a nice guy, he's funny.

- Mm hmm. - He's easy on the eyes.

- Mm hmm. [chuckles]

- Just to this day, I wonder what kind of Christmas-themed

childhood trauma would scar a man like this.

[chuckling]

I kinda feel bad for him.

- All I know is when I pitched this book to my team,

the whole publishing house laughed at me.

But I just-- I had an instinct about it.

Now with a million copies sold, I head the department.

Thanks, Jordan.

- Thanks, Jordan.

- You know, I think he's kinda into you.

He clearly likes you. - Uh-uh.

- I'm surprised you guys aren't dating, hmm?

- You think so? - Yeah.

[laughing]

You just said he was easy on the eyes.

- Yeah, he's cute. - Yeah.

Hey. - Hey, listen.

10 book readings on Christmas Eve,

brilliant marketing.

- Thanks, Jordan.

I had a feeling your hometown wouldn't disappoint.

- And you're uncharacteristically quiet,

what'd you think?

- If you're happy, I'm happy.

- Oh, I'm very happy. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

Where are the people, did I miss it?

- Yeah Ken, yeah, look, yeah, you missed it.

Like countless other events over the years.

But it's all right, I'm glad you're here, bro.

You guys remember my always late

but never without a creative excuse little brother, Ken.

- Hey. - Hey.

- So... what happened this time?

- Batteries.

There seems to be a shortage in the whole city of Chicago.

Who knew that batteries

and Christmas Eve could break a person down?

Like I literally saw a man

in the middle of a mall in the fetal position.

[laughing]

I gave him my batteries but it didn't seem to help.

[laughing]

- Well, speaking of Christmas Eve,

I've got a dollhouse to furnish,

a bike to assemble, and some cookies and milk

with a little extra holiday cheer

to top it off when I'm done.

- Aw.

- Look at you, Judas.

- Hey, you don't have to believe it to sell it. Peace.

- Later, man. - Bye.

- So, will you be making it to Christmas dinner this year?

- Yes Jordan, will you?

(chuckles)

- Look bro, I don't know why Mom and Dad

insist on still living in that messed up neighborhood, man.

Come on, and I told you after I graduated high school,

I was never going back there, so.

- It's not about you, big shot.

You know, Mom and Dad aren't getting any younger

and they would love to see you.

- Okay.

Well look, did you get the birthday present

I got your kid? - My kid, KJ?

- Yeah. - Your nephew?

-Yeah, I know, did you get it?

- Yeah, we got it, but you should know

that he still actually likes Christmas.

He's more into electronics and sports.

- Yeah, well he must read.

- Not your book. [laughing]

- What you laughing at?

You're my manager.

You're supposed to want everybody to read my books.

- You're an acquired taste.

- You can say that again. - Shut up.

[chuckling]

- What?

- I don't know, man.

Look man, I'm glad you're successful,

but I grew up with you, bro.

I don't know when this happened,

but my Christmas wish for you is that you make it back soon.

- Mm hmm, well if you mean when did I realize that

a smile and a mindless "happy holidays"

to a total stranger

who now feels compelled to return the greetings

with bogus good tidings lacks truth and authenticity

and sends us down the merry path to make-believe,

that happened when I faced the reality

of the world that we live in, bro.

- You're so broken, bro.

I just want my Backgammon buddy back.

Hope to see you tomorrow, bro. - All right.

- And it's always a pleasure.

- Yes.

- I don't know how you put up with him.

- It's called a paycheck, Ken.

- Mm. - Merry Christmas, Deanna.

- Merry Christmas, Ken. [giggling]

- So...

you wanna

go celebrate a very good day?

- Sure.

I have time for a drink. I don't have to be

at my parents' tomorrow until brunch.

- Brunch?

- Yes, brunch, that's what people do on Christmas.

- Well I kinda thought we'd do a little catch up, you know?

Since tomorrow's a down day and all.

Come on Deanna, the Easter book proposal

is due right after the first of the month.

We gotta get that done. - Mm mm.

I worked on Christmas Eve,

I'm not working on Christmas Day.

Crushing the Easter Bunny will just have to wait.

- But wait, you're Jewish.

- Yes, I'm Jewish.

I converted for my ex-husband and I found a connection.

But my parents are Christian

and they're expecting me at brunch tomorrow.

- Okay listen,

you are very intelligent,

and you're moderately educated,

but you are super attractive,

gorgeous and I mean, you're inquisitive.

You've got style, you got all this stuff going on

and you're a 20-something woman in the 21st century, Deanna.

You can't tell me that you still believe

in this Christmas nonsense.

- Mmm, well, my moderately educated self

believed you when you said you was gonna buy me a drink.

So let's not make you a Grinch and a liar.

- Okay.

All right.

Well since we're going,

we have to go to that place around the corner.

You know the one, the one with the annoying waitress.

- You are awful. - What?

What are you talking about, what'd I do?

Tell me she's not annoying.

Watch how she takes our order, watch.

**

- Merry Christmas, merry Christmas.

Thank you, thank you, merry Christmas, ho ho ho.

Oh, 'tis the season, ho ho ho ho.

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckling]

Merry Christmas.

- Oh, here we go. - Merry Christmas.

- Come on, Jordan. - And a happy, happy,

merry, merry Christmas. - Here we go.

- I will give you $1 if you stop ringing that thing.

- Well, you make it 10 and we got a deal.

Ho ho ho ho ho.

Merry Christmas.

Ho ho ho ho.

**

Merry Christmas, ho ho ho ho.

Merry Christmas, thank you, thank you, ho ho ho ho ho.

* 'Tis the season to be jolly *

* Fa la la la la ho ho ho ho *

**

- Happy holidays. Will we be starting

with cocktails this evening, Mr. Dawkins?

- Happy holidays.

How politically correct of you.

Now exactly which holiday are we to find so joyous?

- Excuse me, sir?

- Being in Chicago, perhaps you were referring to Kwanzaa.

- Kwanzaa?

- Any holiday that supplanted the celebration

of its own winter solstice would represent

a great social, cultural and a religious injustice.

Don't you think?

- I, um...

I'm sorry, sir, I don't.

- I'll have a mojito double.

And a shot of Patron.

Was that necessary?

- Necessary? Nah.

But thoroughly enjoyable.

[chuckling]

- You are evil.

- Is God willing to prevent evil but not able?

Then is He impotent?

Is He able but not willing?

Then is He malevolent?

Is He able and willing?

Whence then is evil?

- Epicuriate.

Waitress.

Thanks for the drink. - You're welcome.

- Are you sure I can't drop you at home?

The publishing company paid for the driver

and the car for the whole day.

- No thank you, my apartment is literally two blocks away.

Plus the shops are all decorated and festive.

You know, I think I'm gonna enjoy the walk.

- Yeah, walk down the Yellow Brick Road.

I just hope at some point you realize

that the Wizard does not exist.

So, what time we getting started tomorrow?

- Did you not hear me? I'm not working tomorrow.

- Well I'm working, and I need my manager

whom I pay,

to manage me and my very successful career.

- Fine.

Bring breakfast and make it extra yummy and holiday festive.

I hope I get to meet your parents one day.

I wanna know what happened to you.

I'm not giving up on you.

Get some rest.

- You're gonna thank me someday,

when you can move out of that apartment

and buy yourself that nice, wonderful home.

[phone rings]

Hello?

I--

How many times do I have to tell you

not to say "Merry Christmas," okay?

Tomorrow.

Goodnight.

[mysterious chiming]

- Special lady.

- Uh, yeah, I suppose.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

- You might want to take your coat off, by the way.

It's hot in there.

- Okay, well that's good.

Thank you. - You're welcome.

**

Where to, sir?

- Find me someplace with good jazz,

and great scotch.

And no Christmas music.

- Sir.

- Yeah?

- Sir, could I ask you a question?

- Yeah, let it rip. - What's your problem?

- Come again? - With Christmas?

- You mean besides the fact that a contrived holiday

has been hijacked by corporations looking to

subsidize their incompetent business practices

the rest of the year?

- But it gets the job done though, hmm?

- The job? - Yes, the job.

I mean people are smiling,

they're being nice to one another.

They're laughing, they're happy.

- For a day, and then what happens on December 26th?

Everything goes right back to normal.

Christmas changes absolutely nothing.

- Ah, you don't know that, you don't know that.

And come on, being filled with the Christmas spirit

can only do a person good.

- I'll concede you your one day if you concede my 364.

- How about this?

Instead of eliminating Christmas altogether,

wouldn't it be a lot easier

just to make every day like it was Christmas, hmm?

Keep that spirit alive all the time.

- Yeah, I can imagine that.

Everyone walking around smiling at each other,

idiotically wishing them a merry June 9th,

or a happy August 15th, or a joyous October 27th.

It's not gonna happen, you know why?

- Why?

- Because it's a utopian fantasy.

Christmas changes absolutely nothing.

It's impossible.

- Have you ever done that?

- Done what?

- You know, wished someone a happy Tuesday

or done something nice for someone, something selfless.

You know, just because it would make them happy.

- You're serious?

- Yes, dead serious.

- Listen, Christmas is nothing but a soulless,

overblown, overhyped national day of excess,

and the quicker it's expunged

from the memory of mankind, the better.

- Ah, but have you ever tried it?

- No, I'm not trying it. How about you try this?

Aren't they paying you to drive?

I believe they hired you 'til midnight.

So how about you do your job, okay?

**

- Ma.

Ma, Ma, you're not listening to me.

It's not like it's my choice.

- Hold on, let me put you on speaker, hold on.

- Is that Deanna on the phone?

- Yes it is, say hi to your sister.

- Hey, Dee.

- Hey.

- Ask her is she coming? - She's not.

- Ask her why not. - I already did.

- Well what'd she say? - She says she has to work.

- Do I even need to be a part of this conversation?

- Your father says you need to drop him as a client.

- I did not say that.

But the guy is a meathead.

- Your dad says he's a meathead.

- I don't disagree,

but he's a talented meathead

who just needs to find his soul.

- She says she likes him. - I didn't say that.

- I think you do. - Ooh, I knew it.

- I don't. - Didn't I tell you that?

I mean, he is pretty handsome. Have you seen his book?

- Hey. Uh-uh.

- Do you know how many Christmases

you get with your family?

Every one that you miss,

you can't get back.

- Ma, it's not like I live in another city.

I will see you next weekend.

I'll bring some gifts and we can have Christmas part two.

Okay?

So please don't play the martyr, I feel bad enough as it is.

- That's what mothers do, honey.

Okay.

Well, since we won't see you

this Christmas, goodbye.

- Bye. - Oh, wait.

Everybody wishes you a merry Christmas

for the next two years to come.

- Ha ha ha, that's not funny, Ma.

Love you. Bye.

**

- Hey, do you mind if I borrow your phone?

My battery's like really-- it's like...

It's really, just for a second. Thank you, thank you very much.

- Hey, what the--

that was a $900 phone! - Yeah, so look.

I was thinking about this thing you said about Christmas, right?

- You are so fired. - Stop.

Christmas is not about Santa retailers.

It's not even about the birth of Christ.

- Well first of all, Christ is-- - Shut up and listen!

Christmas is about having faith in your fellow man.

- Is that a fact?

- And the thing about facts, right?

They only sustain you until you're faced with the unknown.

Eventually, you are going to need faith.

Yeah, see? And faith means making

the impossible possible.

You believe in God, Jordan?

Negro, do you believe in God? - Yeah, when He answers me.

- See, and when you have faith,

you will try the impossible and find out that

it is quite possible and having faith in God

is the key to getting anything that you desire.

So what I'd like for you to do right now

is get out of my car.

- Are you nuts? - Right now.

- What is your problem? - That way.

- I don't know who you think you are

or what you think you're doing but you just made

the biggest mistake of your life.

- I don't think so.

**

What?

It's Christmas, all right?

Have a little faith. - Oh yeah?

Well what am I supposed to do now?

- You know what you need, Jordan?

You need to find yourself some Christmas spirit, you know?

You need to be inspired, yeah. You need some love, buddy.

[engine roars]

**

[shivering breaths]

- Oh, yes, yes, yes sir.

Hi.

Hi, sir.

Do you have a cell phone I could use?

- Say what? You have to speak up.

Left my hearing aids back in that horrible place

I thought it was a good idea to live in

since I'm old, alone and have no wife or children.

- Okay.

I need to use a cell phone. - Headphones?

Why on earth would I be walking around here

with those things on my head listening to some

thumpety-thump music like all of these youngsters?

Every one of 'em be deafer than me by the time they're 30.

- Okay, thank you.

- Now son.

I'm gonna ask you a question.

You think I should go back?

I ran away 'cause old Mrs. Jackson

won't leave me alone.

Tonight was the Christmas party.

I hate Christmas more than a prostate exam.

Stupid holiday made for mindless lemmings

who need big corporations to force 'em

to be nice one day a year.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Anyway, Mrs. Jackson kept shoving

sweet potato pie in my face.

I don't like sweet potato pie.

I don't like her.

It smells like rotten moth balls.

But it's cold. - Yeah.

- And I got a nice scotch

in my underwear drawer.

Could pour myself a couple.

Work on my new book.

- Oh, so you're a writer?

- Mm.

A couple bestsellers too.

So, what do you think?

What would you do?

[mysterious wind chimes]

- I think- - What?

I said speak up.

- I think you should go back.

Yeah.

Good scotch and good work seems like it makes

for a fine way to spend a cold evening.

- I think so too. Thanks, son.

How come you're not at home with a lovely lady

putting together toys for a bunch of screaming

little urchins, hmm?

- My lovely--

my lovely lady turned out to be not so lovely.

Yeah, six years ago on this very night,

I found her in my bed with a broke down mall Santa.

And there were no screaming urchins, thankfully.

[laughing]

- That's harsh.

It could be worse.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm no fan of Christmas either.

- Hmm.

Well you have a good night anyway.

You get yourself indoors.

These shiftless heathens pick you clean,

beat you senseless.

Leave you for dead.

[laughs]

You take care now.

Mall Santa. [laughs]

- I thought you were going back.

[old man laughs hysterically]

**

Hi, hi, excuse me.

Do either of you have a cell phone that I can use?

- Is he for real? - You know where you at?

- I just need to call for a ride, that's all.

- Look, ain't no taxi coming down here.

- I can just call my doorman, they'll send someone.

- Doorman, really?

They do that?

You must be somebody, huh?

- Yeah, who are you? - Are you rich or something?

- You know what? It's fine.

I'll just-- thanks.

**

[windchimes]

- Are you Santa? - No.

I'm not Santa. Do I look like Santa?

- Well you probably shouldn't be out here by yourself.

It's not too safe.

- Oh, I guess it's safe for you and Santa, huh?

- Who'd wanna hurt Santa? - Yeah.

You wouldn't happen to have a cell phone on you, would you?

- Cell phone?

Follow me.

- Okay.

[church bell tolls]

Now, where are your parents?

- They're in heaven.

- Oh.

Well who takes care of you?

- Everyone.

- Oh.

Where's that phone?

- After we get something to eat first.

[exhales]

- Hi, listen, she kinda tricked me into coming in here.

I was wondering if there's a phone I can use?

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas. - Okay, thank you, yes.

She tricked me-- nevermind, is there a phone here?

- Merry Christmas.

**

- Merry Christmas. - Listen.

Is there a phone?

- Merry Christmas.

**

- Are you lost?

- Hmm? No, I'm not lost.

- Do you know where you are?

- No idea.

- Well, you're lost and you should

stay here tonight.

Eventually they're gonna move all the tables

and bring in the beds.

And then in the morning, Santa's gonna bring

presents for us all.

- Yeah.

That all sounds great but I really think I'll be going.

- Why? He'll bring you a present too.

- I doubt that. - Have you been bad?

- No, I haven't been bad.

Well, I've been--

it depends on what your definition of bad is.

Nevermind, do you know who runs this place?

- Look, if Santa doesn't bring you a present,

I'll share mines with you.

- You would share your present with me?

Why would you do that?

- Yes, because it's Christmas

and even if it wasn't Christmas,

that would just be the kind thing to do.

- You know, you've got more sense than most of us adults.

All these hobos in here and not a single cell phone?

There's gotta be at least one government telephone

around here somewhere.

- I mean, why aren't you spending time with your family?

[chuckles nervously]

**

- Pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

- Yeah? - Hi.

Yeah, I'm gonna need to use your phone please.

- Our phones are used for official mission business only.

- Do I look like one of these bums to you?

- No, and unfortunately you don't act

like one of them either.

- I apologize.

I just had a rough night, that's all.

- You've had a rough night?

- Look, I just need to use your phone

so I can get a ride outta here, okay?

I'll pay for it.

- Come with me, son.

- Thank you.

* Hallelujah, hallelujah *

* Hallelujah, hallelujah *

- Hello?

Yes, hi, this is Jordan Dawkins

and I guess I had what you would call

an issue with my driver earlier

and I need a ride to take me back to my place.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

Yes. Just get me outta here.

What? Yeah, hold on-- hold on.

What's the address here?

- 1448. - 1448.

- East 53rd Street. - East 53rd Street.

Yes.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, how long is it gonna take?

30 minutes? Great.

Yes, that's awesome. Thank you.

Okay, bye.

- I guess your rescue team's on the way, huh?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry about the bum comment earlier.

I didn't really mean that.

I can appreciate that most of these people

are just down on their luck, that's all.

- Oh, and you have experience with that?

- Listen, I don't know what you think

but I didn't grow up wearing Fera Vante, okay?

My dad was a schoolteacher

and I worked my way through college.

So I'm not gonna sit here and apologize for where I am now.

- Oh, where are you now?

- I'm doing okay actually.

I'm an author.

- Huh, an author? - Mm hmm.

- So what do you write about?

- Well, I write critiques on the history of...

well it's a-- it's more of a-- it's...

[sighs]

Nevermind. You know what?

There's a young girl out there

and earlier I asked her who takes care of her?

And she says "Everyone."

- Nyuma.

Yeah, I can see why she feels that way.

- Mm, you know, she thinks that Santa Claus

is coming here to give everyone presents, right?

- Yeah, she's a little overly optimistic.

- Mm-hmm. Yep.

There aren't any presents coming, are there?

- Well, donations are down this year

but it is Christmas

and God will provide.

- Yeah.

Well I hate to break it to you but there is absolutely

no mention of Christmas anywhere in the Bible, so...

[bishop chuckles]

- Just like an author to believe

that if it's not written on a page,

it doesn't exist.

Jordan, do you think

that God's lessons stopped

with the final chapter of His book?

[scoffs]

Have a little faith, Jordan. Okay?

- Yes, ma'am.

**

Did I do something to you?

- You was talking to my girl before.

- Your girl?

Oh.

Nyuma's your girl?

- Well she's gonna be one day.

- Oh, okay.

Is that for her?

Oh, come on. Let me see it.

- Let me see what you got.

- Let me see.

I just have...

this.

That's it.

Huh, it's nice, man.

You gonna give it to her?

- Maybe.

- Why maybe?

- What if she thinks it's stupid?

- Yeah.

Yeah, you're probably right.

She might run it down to the pawn shop

and get it appraised and when she finds out

it's not a real diamond,

then where would you be? - What do you know?

You can probably buy your girl, what, 10 diamonds?

- Yeah.

But you know what?

It never got me what I was looking for.

Okay, it got me some of what I was looking for

but not really.

Let me tell you a story.

- How is it that old folks

always got some kind of story to tell?

- So we can have something to annoy

ungrateful little punks like you.

Now shut up and listen.

I was about your age.

Maybe a little taller, a little older.

Anyway, there was this girl, Marcy Duncan,

and it was Christmas time and I didn't have any money.

Well, I didn't have enough money to get her

a gift that was good enough for her anyway.

She was such an angel.

- Oh boy. - Just listen.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do.

I wrote her a poem

but I never gave it to her.

You see, I was afraid.

I thought what if it's not good enough?

What if she doesn't like it?

What if she thinks it's stupid?

So I entered my poem into a community writing contest

at my favorite bookstore.

I always loved that store

'cause it reminds me so much of Marcy.

- So you were afraid to give it to the girl

but you weren't afraid to put it in a paper

where hundreds of people would see?

- Right, whatever.

I'm trying to make a point here, okay?

- I sure hope so. - Anyway, it got published--

my first published work, actually.

And everyone said I should be so proud.

But I didn't write that poem for everyone.

I wrote it for Marcy.

Then some years later when my first book got published,

I had a book signing and guess who walks in?

Marcy Duncan.

And she had cut that poem out of the paper.

She kept it with her all those years.

She said it was the most beautiful thing

that she had ever seen.

But even still, I missed my chance.

**

- You didn't miss your chance.

You're just overlooking your chance.

I ain't gonna overlook my chance like you.

**

- What you talking about?

What do you mean I missed my chance?

You don't know what you talking about, little punk.

**

Hey.

Hey, Nyuma.

- Is it Christmas? - Shh.

Yeah, I got something for you.

- It's a flower.

- Yeah, yeah but look, when you open it up--

- Don't. Don't.

- But it's worth a lot. - I know.

**

- You drive much?

- Get in.

- You're not from the hotel.

- Did I stutter?

- You know, it ain't safe to be walking around

this neighborhood at night all by yourself.

- Yeah, unless you're Santa Claus.

And who are you?

- Santa. [chuckles]

You the dude who hates Christmas, right?

He writes books about how dumb people are

for celebrating Christmas.

- Hey, no, wait, wait a second. I never said dumb.

- You're kinda like the Grinch, ain't you?

You sure ain't Santa 'cause what else would a dude like him

be doing in the hood on Christmas Eve?

- I thought Santa was white. - No, Santa is not white.

How many times I gotta tell you, Santa is not white.

Santa's real name was St. Nicholas.

He was a Turk, the same skin color as you.

- How'd you know that? - I always liked that Santa.

There was this one time

there was these three poor girls

and St. Nicholas came by and gave 'em each a sack of gold

so they wouldn't have to go into prostitution.

Now that was cool.

So Mr. Grinch, what's your book say about stuff like that?

- It's Dawkins actually.

Well, okay.

Well although St. Nicholas of Myra is the origin

of the Santa Claus legend,

he was Greek, by the way,

I wouldn't put too much stock in...

Look guys, I appreciate the ride.

I'm just gonna- - Let's go, Z.

- Wait a second, wait a minute now.

- Sit back and relax, man.

**

- Saks Fifth Avenue or Nordstrom Rack?

- I'm sorry, what?

What did you say? what does she mean?

Why are you putting on a--

why is she putting on a ski mask?

Who are you guys about to rob?

Listen, you can drop me off anywhere--

- Be quiet, man.

We 'fin to take you somewhere.

And if you wake up anybody in there,

we gonna have a serious problem.

[laughing]

- I had you, didn't I?

[giggles]

**

- Look guys, whatever you're doing--

- Shh, you're gonna wake up the whole block, man.

[dog barks]

**

- You're late.

- Sorry, Grandma.

We had to go all over the city to find a Walmart

that was still open.

- Well, bring it on in but be quiet.

I just got the boy sleeping.

Who's that? - Oh, Mr. Grinch.

- It's Dawkins.

- Well, come on in.

They find a dandy like you froze to death on my porch,

I'll never hear the end of it.

I know you guys are freezing out there,

but the Lord's work has got to be done.

- They're Christmas presents?

- What did you think they were?

- Y'all stay and have a cup of hot cocoa.

- We got a lot more stops tonight, Grandma.

- I wasn't asking.

- Go.

- So what were you able to get this time?

- I got an Xbox, a couple tablets.

The rest is just mostly clothes. - Oh, that sounds great.

I know the boys will really love that.

- Excuse me. - Hmm?

- Sorry.

May I use your phone please? - Could if I had one,

but with four teenagers living under one roof,

my phone bill would be more than my mortgage

with them chatting up their little friends

all day and night, mm-hmm.

- You have four teenagers? - Grandma takes in strays.

- Who you calling a stray? - I'm calling you a stray.

- Thank you, Grandma. I'm not a stray.

I was just in between homes is all.

- 11 foster homes in four years?

- Grandma took her in, took us all in.

She goes over to the foster care people

and takes all the hopeless cases off their hands.

- There ain't no such thing as hopeless.

- Yeah, all except for Jordan here.

- You wake up my boys

and there'll be no hope for any of you.

You far from home, Mr. Jordan?

- No, actually, I grew up in Inglewood.

Yeah, my parents still live here.

[laughs]

- You grew up in the hood?

Yeah, I find that hard to believe.

- Whatever.

- So you're like sorta trapped in your old hood tonight.

I bet you don't even give back to the community.

- Look, you don't know me, okay? - Enough of that.

Have some cheesecake.

- Faith?

I'm not hungry.

- The good thing is you don't have to be hungry

to have a slice of cheesecake.

- Are the boys asleep downstairs?

- Mm-hmm.

You see, my boys think I'm doing them a favor

by taking them in, but what they don't know is

they're doing me the favor.

I couldn't imagine a Christmas without 'em.

It just wouldn't be right.

- So this is a foster home?

- Are you ready for a slice of cheesecake?

- Sure.

- The boys will be up early, so don't be out too late.

You get home safe tonight, you hear?

Oh, and my cheesecakes are the best.

- Yeah.

It's really great what you're doing here.

- Merry Christmas, Mr. Dawkins.

- Thank you.

- You weren't in any kind of a hurry,

were you, Mr. Grinch?

- Let's ride.

- Eat that cake, know what I mean?

Hey, how y'all doing? - Merry Christmas.

- Everybody gets one.

- Them shoes been getting you around

a lot tonight, ain't they?

- What is it with you and my shoes?

- Well I would want to be in 'em right now,

that's for sure.

- All right, let's go. Job's done here.

There you go, take the night off, love.

Nobody works on Christmas.

Merry Christmas, there you go.

All right, ladies. Merry Christmas.

- You're a modern day St. Nicholas, aren't you?

- You really don't know much, do you?

- I just watched you give a pile of gifts

to some needy kids

and blankets to some homeless people

and you even gave money to prostitutes

so they wouldn't have to work on Christmas.

Now I mean, I could be wrong,

but if that's not like St. Nick, what is it?

- It's business, doc. That's what you saw tonight.

You and I both are making bank on Christmas.

I just wish I had your customers though.

Ooh, man, I'd be so rich, like you.

Live in a fancy complex and forget where I came from.

It's business.

Just take a minute to take it all in.

It's business, doc.

The old woman, she gives me the checks

she gets from the government for them foster kids

so I can go buy 'em Christmas presents.

Now what she don't know is I got this guy

who sells stuff out the back of his truck for half price.

I take a little of the money I save

and I go buy some old blankets or whatever

and give 'em to the bums down there.

Now them bums, they gonna let me know

if they see the police coming when I'm out there

doing my business or whatever.

And because I let the ladies get a night off like I do,

the pimps, they come to me only

for their pharmaceutical needs.

- You're preying on people's weaknesses.

- And what do you call what you do?

You praying on people's fears and hate and doubts.

It makes what I'm doing look like child's play.

- Whatever, look, I deal in truth, okay?

And if the people can't handle that, that's not my problem.

- Whoa, whoa! Hey baby, I'm on your side, all right?

Give the suckers what they need, right?

Let 'em know there's nothing out there for 'em,

nothing beyond today, no hope for 'em,

and you got 'em.

Oh, man, I just wish I had half your customers though.

- Let me out. - Oh, come on,

don't be like that, baby. Me and you one and the same now.

We both know Christmas is for the weak.

Christmas is for people who think kindness is a virtue.

It ain't. Kindness is a weakness,

and ain't nothing bringing it out like Christmas.

- Let me out of the car please.

- Z...

pull over for this pessimist, man.

- Yo.

- Merry Christmas.

- I like them shoes. - Yeah, here.

- They'll match my outfit better.

- Yeah, of course they do.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

**

- They're warm.

- You keep it. - I never use it.

I can't abide what the young folk do.

Merry Christmas.

- You know what? That is it.

"Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,

merry Christmas!"

Everyone sounds like a bunch of brainwashed parrots.

What's so merry about Christmas, huh?

Especially this one.

I'm in the middle of nowhere

in the middle of the night freezing my butt off.

And you, you're living on the streets in the ghetto

and you get a pair of shoes,

granted a $700 pair of shoes that don't even fit

and won't be worth what this box is in the morning.

[chuckles]

And you wish me a merry Christmas.

Please, what is so merry about that?

- It's the thought that counts.

- Oh, oh, the thought, okay.

If it's the thought that counts,

then maybe I should have just thought

about giving you my $700 pair of shoes.

[laughs]

God, you know what?

I am so sick and tired

of your parrot mumbo jumbo Christmas talk.

I'm outta here. - Keep shouting like that,

you're gonna wake up the whole neighborhood.

- I wish people would quit sneaking up on me like that.

- Oh, you were with Sasa earlier.

- Yeah. - You his lawyer?

- No. - Bail bondsman?

- No, I was just along for the ride.

[laughs]

- Along for the ride? - Yeah.

- Mister, you are lost.

- Yeah, that seems to be the general consensus.

- Come with me.

- Oh, I'm not, uh-- I'm not buying.

- And I'm not selling.

But if you're gonna get off your feet for awhile,

I wouldn't do it out here.

- I'll be fine.

- Suit yourself.

- What the hell?

Since everyone else I asked for a phone

wasn't able to produce one,

I'm assuming it's the same with you?

Okay, so instead, can you let me know

if Ashland Avenue is near here?

Because it feels like I've been over here before,

and if it is, it'll take me closer

to where I need to be.

- Just give me a sec.

- Of course.

**

So...

how's your Christmas Eve going, Jordan?

- How'd you know my name?

- Have you learned anything out here tonight?

- Ashland Avenue?

- In a minute, just...

- Those sure are some festive feet.

- My dad gave them to me.

- This your family?

- Mm hmm.

- Do they live around here?

- They've, um...

Passed.

- Oh.

- Yeah. - I'm sorry to hear that.

- Casey. That's my little brother.

He used to call me all the time

and ask me to come home for my birthday

or Thanksgiving, Christmas.

But I always had a reason why I couldn't.

I mean, how do you face your parents

when you do this for a living?

Anyway,

I used to think Mom and Dad

were putting him up to calling me

and then I,

I found out that that dumb kid

was spending all his allowance on calling cards...

[chuckles]

Because he didn't want my parents to know.

The crazy thing is, uh...

I was going home

that Christmas.

- What happened?

- Drunk driver.

I would give anything in the world to see them again.

- So...

who do you spend Christmas with?

- Me.

**

- Well, um,

if you could just, you know, give me directions,

I'll just be on my merry way,

and you can get on with your holiday.

- Sometimes, Jordan,

when things aren't going

the way that you want them to go,

it's a good idea to just

think about what's happening

and give into it.

Surrendering

is a powerful thing.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, and Ashland Avenue

is that way.

- Oh.

Okay.

[sighs]

Thank you.

- You got this.

**

[sighs]

- Hey, driver, hey.

[driver cackles]

Where you think you're going, man, huh?

I'm gonna have your job, dude.

You're gonna hear from my attorney.

What the--

[driver cackles]

Hey, hey, hey!

Stop!

You will never work in this city again.

What the?

[driver cackles]

Yeah, real funny. Real funny, come here.

I'm gonna have your job, dude, I'm telling you.

Come on. Really?

How did he get--

what is happening?

**

Okay. Okay.

Why am I lost?

Huh?

You see?

This is why I hate Christmas!

Sure, people walk around smiling at you

acting all nice and where does that get you, huh?

Nowhere!

If this were any other night,

would I be out here in the middle

of wherever I am freezing my butt off?

I don't think so!

I wish there was no such thing as Christmas.

You hear me? I wish there was no Christmas!

**

I can't find one payphone.

Not one payphone anywhere, anywhere.

Stupid, dumb driver.

Kicking me out of his car.

Stupid, with nobody around.

It's a ghost town here. It's creepy.

Why does everything around here look the same?

Where is everybody?

Can't find a taxi, no Uber, no nothing.

Nobody's around here.

Never again.

I swear I won't let not one person say something to me.

Stupid.

I don't want no one following me,

talking to me.

Ain't nobody around.

I think I'm going crazy.

Creepy stuff, people knowing my name

and I don't even know them.

I'm being spied on.

It's freezing, people spying on me

with their stupid, dumb--

- Hey there.

Over here.

- The other way, we're over here.

- It's awfully late to be walking around.

- You all right, man?

- It's a long story.

I don't have my phone.

I got lost somehow.

The night will be over soon, I hope.

- You want a drink?

- I probably shouldn't but--

I would actually enjoy one right now.

Yes, thank you. - Come on in, man.

Have a drink.

**

- A fireplace in the kitchen, that's a nice touch.

- Well, it's not quite done yet.

- I'm an architect.

- And I'm a contractor.

- And this is our labor of love.

- This and the two twins that are upstairs asleep right now.

- Oh right, them.

That's why we've been up all night

putting together toys and wrapping presents

and drinking scotch until almost 4:00 a.m.

[laughs]

- Yeah, I gotta say that this is a really nice home.

- Thank you.

We put the fireplace in the kitchen

because that's where everyone gathers, right?

I mean, you put the fireplace where everyone is.

- She dreams it and I build it.

- That's right, honey.

I catch 'em and you fry 'em.

- Wow. [glasses clank]

You two seem like the perfect team.

- We are, most of the time.

- We love each other and that's all that matters.

- Anyone special in your life?

- No. No. I, um... [clears throat]

I, uh...

went through a pretty bad divorce and I'm alone.

- Oh. - No one's caught your eye?

- Honey. - It's okay.

I think if you put it that way,

I guess there's someone that I do like, you know,

a lot actually.

She's really pretty, gorgeous actually,

and smart as a whip and she doesn't take any of my crap.

So, you know, she kinda makes me better in a way, you know?

If that makes sense.

- It does.

The last time I felt that way about a woman, I married her.

[giggling]

- Yeah, well the only problem is she works for me.

So I don't think it'll ever work out.

- That's only a problem if you let it be one.

- I worked for her, that's how we met.

- Mmm-hmm, I was designing a doctor's office

and he was the contractor.

- And we've been together ever since.

[giggles]

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

I just-- it's been a really,

really long day and night.

[sighs]

- Can I get you a cup of coffee?

- No, no, no, no, no. I don't need anything else.

I've actually got a bit more of a walk ahead of me,

so I should probably get going soon.

- I'd offer you a ride, but...

- You lost your phone. At least let me order you a car.

- No, you guys, you've done more than enough, I'm fine.

I think I'm actually going to enjoy the rest of the walk.

- It is a silent and holy night.

- Yes it is.

**

Ech...

Thank you.

Oh, man.

Oh, thanks for all your hospitality.

- Merry Christmas, Jordan.

- How did you know my name?

- Just because you can't see something

doesn't mean it's not real, and sometimes,

the best things in life just require a leap of faith.

- Thanks.

- And don't let Deanna get away.

She seems really special. - Mmm-hmm.

**

**

[splashing]

**

- Have a good day, ma'am.

Ah, Mr. Dawkins.

Is there anything that I can do for you, sir?

- No, Higgins, no.

I mean, I don't have a phone anymore or my bag,

but I do have...

my keys. - Indeed.

- I guess you can call that a Christmas miracle.

- Oh. Okay. - I'm going to bed.

- Yes, sir. - Merry Christmas, Higgins.

- Well, um...

yes, and merry Christmas to you too, sir.

Huh. Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

[keys clatter]

- Oh, boy.

[sighs]

What's your problem? - How come you're not at home

with a lovely lady putting together toys?

- Is there anyone special in your life?

- I don't know what happened to you.

I don't know what happened to you.

**

[maniacal laughter]

**

- What the hell?

[maniacal laughter]

No...

- I hate Christmas.

- It's not about you, big shot.

[cackling]

- My lovely lady turned out to be not so lovely.

- I don't know when this happened.

- Have you been bad?

- What's your problem with Christmas?

- You are evil.

- You really don't know much, do you?

- You're so broken, bro.

- I ain't gonna overlook my chance like you.

- What would you do?

- Don't let Deanna get away. She seems really special.

- Have a little faith, Jordan.

- Being filled with the Christmas spirit

can only do a person good. Wouldn't it be a lot easier

just to make every day like it was Christmas, hmm?

Keep that spirit alive all the time.

- I would give...

anything in the world to see them again.

- Just because you can't see something

doesn't mean it's not real.

- I just want my Backgammon buddy back.

My Christmas wish for you is that you make it back soon.

[maniacal laughter]

- I'm not giving up on you.

- Will you be making Christmas dinner this year?

- Yes, Jordan, will you?

- You didn't miss your chance.

You're just overlooking your chance.

- You know, Mom and Dad aren't getting any younger

and they would love to see you.

- I'm not giving up on you.

I'm not giving up on you.

[mysterious chiming]

- I know what I need to do.

**

[Jordan humming Christmas tunes]

Gotta learn these lyrics.

[Jordan mumbling incorrect lyrics]

* Fa la la la la la la la la *

**

- Ah, good morning, Mr. Dawkins. - Hey.

- Oh, all right.

- Hey. - Uh-huh?

- Take this. - Oh.

- Merry Christmas. - Yes indeed!

Merry Christmas, Mr. Dawkins.

**

- Excuse me, do you live around here?

- Yes.

- Do you remember there was an older lady that

used to live here not too long ago, she had foster kids?

- Oh yeah, we all called her Grandma.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- She actually passed about like three years ago.

Yeah, they leveled this block off right after she passed.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I grew up here.

- Huh.

Okay, thank you.

- You're welcome. - Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

**

- There ain't no such thing as hopeless.

- Huh.

**

- Santa's gonna bring presents for us all.

**

**

**

- Excuse me, ma'am.

I-- sorry, um...

I don't mean to bother you, but can you tell me

what happened with the couple that lived here?

- They passed away.

- Passed away, when, this morning?

- About five years ago.

- What?

They had kids too, right?

- Yeah, the twins. I believe her sister has them.

- That's-- that's tragic.

- All the more reason why it's important

to spend as much time as you can with the ones you love.

- Yeah.

Speaking of which...

I need to do the same thing.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, thank you.

Okay, Faith Noel.

- Don't let Deanna get away.

- Merry Christmas, Jordan.

[chuckling]

- Okay.

All right.

**

Excuse me. [knocking]

[humming]

- How can I help you?

- I'm looking for Noel.

- Oh, there's no one here by that name.

- I was just here last night. - No, no, not here.

- Huh.

So.

Hey. - Hmm?

- Hey, you're Santa Claus.

- Ha.

- Yeah, you're Santa. - Ho ho ho.

- Well if you could--

I deserved that.

- Think about what's happening, and give into it.

[laughing]

- Hey, Merry Christmas.

- Oh, hey. [laughing]

Hey, what in the world?

Okay, what's with the hat and all of this?

Did you get a concussion last night?

- No, but I did have a life-altering experience.

- Okay. Um, are you okay?

- Yes, I am. [laughing]

- All right.

Where's breakfast?

You had time for your little fun car.

- You're right, I didn't get breakfast,

but I have a surprise for you.

Are you ready?

Yeah, you're ready. - I don't know.

- Come on, come on. You're gonna love this, come on.

* Ooh yeah *

* Yeah, yeah *

* Well there's something about Christmas *

* That makes me grin from ear to ear *

* Listen close and I'll tell you why *

* It's my favorite time of year *

* Ooh yeah *

* Candy canes and mistletoe *

- First you don't bring me breakfast.

- Mm hmm.

- Then you done kidnap me. Well, tell me where we going.

- Yeah, exactly.

Don't worry, I got you, don't worry about it.

- You got me? - You trust me?

No? Okay. [laughing]

- I don't know. - You know, trust me.

I got you, you're gonna enjoy this, trust me.

* Come home *

- I wish you would tell me what happened last night

so I can make it happen to you every night.

- What are you talking about?

This is nothing, I'm just, you know,

in the spirit, that's all. - Seriously, Jordan.

You have no idea how much this means to me.

Spending Christmas with my family.

- I know. - It's everything.

- It's no problem but before we open this door,

there's another surprise inside.

These are my parents. - Surprise!

- Oh my god. - Who is this?

- It's so nice to meet you.

- Hi. - How are you, Ma?

- Hey, Momma.

Ma, how you doing? - Hi, so nice to meet you.

- Hello, hello.

Nice to meet you too. - Oh my god.

Hey Pops, how you doing, man? All right, hey.

[overlapping chatter]

- Momma, is this mac and cheese?

- Deanna, listen.

I don't mean to be presumptuous or nothing,

but...

I'm kinda hoping this isn't our last Christmas together.

- I hope not too.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

[Deanna giggles]

- And that's why- - Everybody.

[glass clinking] Can get a moment? Um...

[clearing throat]

This is kind of hard for me.

I'll just say it.

Everyone always asks me, you know,

"Jordan, man, what happened to you, you know,

along the way to make you give up on Christmas like that?"

What they don't realize is that...

it's not about what happened, you know?

It's about how I chose to respond to it, you know?

And I chose to put more stock in the cynicism

of the world than I put in the love, you know?

And it doesn't even make sense to me because

I'm loved so much even if I'm too stupid to realize it.

I mean, I got incredible parents.

My mom and my dad,

that sacrificed everything for me

so that I could realize my dream of becoming an author.

I got the best brother

that a guy could ever ask for, you know?

Even if he does suck at Backgammon.

[laughter]

You know? I mean,

I got an awesome nephew, man, you know?

That... I'm really looking forward

to getting to know you better, bro.

You know what I'm saying? And-and...

And now I have...

a lady in my life who,

if I can just get out of my own way,

she can be the partner of my dreams.

**

So...

here's to what Christmas is all about:

love.

And may we all celebrate it each and every day.

Glasses up, family.

Cheers. - Cheers.

- And hey, hey, merry Christmas.

- [all] Merry Christmas.

- We gonna have some pie? - Yeah, well we gonna be

wrapping this turkey up or what, what's up?

- This one don't even have my name on it.

I'm just being nosy.

Shake it.

**

- What?

Wait, wait.

- What's wrong? - Come here.

- Who is that?

- That's my grandfather, Gabriel.

He was a fixture in the community.

He loved talking to people.

He would help any, I mean, anybody who needed it.

- Hmm.

Sounds like a wonderful man.

- He was.

He passed away five years ago on Christmas Eve.

He delivered gifts to all his friends

and then he died in his sleep that night.

He...

loved Christmas,

so it was sad but...

fitting.

- And your grandmother?

- She took in a few foster kids after he died.

Made a big deal out of Christmas for 'em.

It was her way of honoring

my grandfather and the love they shared.

- She looks like a woman

who can bake a hell of a cheesecake.

- How did you know?

That was her specialty.

- So these are all your relatives?

- Yep.

Some close relations, some distant, but...

my mom put...

all these pictures up,

because my grandfather meant a lot to everybody here.

They'd do anything for him. - Hmm.

Yes, they would.

[mysterious chimes]

It all makes sense now.

- What do you mean?

- I'll tell you later.

It's a good story.

**

Hey.

Do you know where we're standing?

- Where?

[laughing]

**

[mysterious chiming] [clock winding]

**

- Allow me.

- And with that, the driver turned to me and said

"Christmas represents a feeling,

"a sentiment, a way of treating one another."

- I published his book.

He's my guy.

- "If we could live like every day is Christmas,

"think of what an amazing world it would be."

The end.

Thanks, guys.

[applauding]

**

[driver sighing]

- Merry Christmas. [chuckling]

I did that.

[laughing]

**

* Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas *

* Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas *

* It's Christmas every day *

* When I'm with you *

* Believe me when I'm say *

* All my dreams come true *

* When you love somebody *

* Who loves you back too *

* It's Christmas every day Christmas every day *

* It's Christmas every day *