Original subtitles

Well, it's raining and I can't get a cab, and I haven't any money anyway.

What the hell? He's probably just a nice guy who wants to help a girl.

Just some rich, nice-looking guy who will give me a lift home.

Yeah, that's all.

Nope, that ain't all.

Sherman.

Good evening, Mr. Rapzinsky.

- What is? - Is letter.

Pick up and throw in garbage. Not on nice floor. I, Rapzinsky, say this.

Sorry to take you away from your basement.

I know you work to keep the building on House & Garden's "10 Best" list.

Yes, Mr. Rapzinsky?

- Still making the noise. - What noise is that?

Tic-tac, tic-tac.

My typewriter makes that sound when I press on the keys.

This is how I produce the stories and the novels I write. I am a writer.

- I got complaint again. - From whom?

No matter. She say you make noise.

Don't make no more. I, Rapzinsky, say this.

Is that all?

Then I will go up to my apartment. You can go back and sit in your tire.

National Weather Summary. Severe weather along the coast...

... Sunday afternoon and evening.

Towering rainstorms spawn strong winds, large hail and heavy rain.

Lieutenant, do you think Cole did it?

It could be Cole, I don't know. I do know that...

All right, all right.

You're surrounded, Vincent. Give up.

Rapzinsky? Mr. Sherman.

Yes. I think there's something you should know.

Mr. Sherman.

Mr. Sherman?

What do you want?

- I have to see you, Mr. Sherman. - Who are you?

You don't know me, but it's terribly important.

Please!

- We don't open the door after midnight. - We?

Wolf and I. Wolf is a Doberman pinscher.

Please, it's a matter of life and death.

Sit, Wolf. Come on, boy, sit.

Sit, Wolf, sit. Sit, Wolf.

Someone chasing you?

I can't discuss it through the door.

- Are you alone? - Yes.

- Swear. - Yes, goddamn it.

Say, "As God is my judge, I'm alone."

As God is my judge, I am a little girl all alone here in the hallway.

Hello, pansy! Fink! You rat! You fruitcake! Ratfink fruitcake!

- You lied about your size. - You lied about your dog.

How do you know?

Creeps like you don't have dogs named Wolf.

You have little faggy things called Pooky and Doo-Doo.

You have the wrong apartment.

Don't try to cop out. I got the right one and the right fairy.

- You're suffering a paranoid delusion. - What?

You're extrapolating from your sordid environment.

- If I weren't refined, I'd beat you. - You're insane.

This from a queer who peeps in girls' windows.

- What are you talking about? - A rat who squeals to the super...

...because a girl is entertaining a gentleman friend.

- And accepting a large tip. - That's a confession!

You're a peeping Tom. The only thing worse is a squealer, and you're both.

Look, I sense that you're upset...

You must have eyes like a vulture.

- If you'd close your window shades... - It's too damn hot.

- Friction, no doubt. - What's that? Some kind of dirty joke?

Friction. Oh, yeah, I get it. Something you wouldn't know about.

The guys you pick up are air-conditioned.

- I'm getting angry. - Gonna claw my eyes out?

- I'm getting angry. - Or get a boyfriend to beat me?

- I'm angry. - Where are you going?

I'm calling the police.

Why does this kind of stuff always happen to me?

Look, please don't do that.

There's no point in crying. It doesn't solve...

Who's crying?

Why not return to your apartment...?

- That son of a bitch threw me out. - What?

- I said Raspinasky... - Rapzinsky.

- He threw me out. - Threw you out?

- You were gonna call the cops. - I was...?

- Are you a parrot? - I said nothing about the police.

I said something was going on in an apartment.

Oh, why me? Or is it just girls in general that you hate?

- Look, could you cry someplace else? - I'm not crying!

You're getting my typewriter wet.

- You're creepy. - The keys will rust.

- Where would you like me to cry? - Detroit?

Give me 5 bucks and I'll go find a room.

Don't worry, I'll pay you back.

I don't have any money. I was paid today and I didn't cash my check.

That figures.

Finks never have any money.

What about the money your friend gave you?

Raspinas... Whatever his name is, he took it.

He said if I gave it to him he'd cover up with the cops.

That was a despicable thing to do.

Yeah. What's that mean?

- What does what mean? - What you said. "Despicable."

- It means he's a rotten person. - That's his excuse. What's yours?

- What's my what? - Why did you rat on me?

- Why did you complain about my typing? - That's why?

- I had a bad day. - You had a bad day?

I lost my job. I got thrown out. I'm broke. It's raining.

I'm stuck in a crummy room with a pervert!

- At least you've got your health. - Very funny. You're one hell of a...

Wait a minute.

- It's 3 in the morning. - You watched me with these?

You're no amateur peeping Tom, you're a pro.

- Not so loud. - With the naked eye, it's just dirty.

When you have to work at it this hard, it's filth.

You ought to be ashamed! You're disgusting!

- Did you take pictures of me? - It's part of my work, my studies.

- Studying to be a gynaecologist? - I'm a writer. I observe people.

Writers write. Peeping Toms look through windows.

Incredible. I'm being lectured to by a berserk whore.

I am not a whore, you hear! I'm a model...

...and an actress! - Now you've done it.

- We'll both get thrown out. - I appeared in two TV commercials.

- I've appeared in magazines. - All right. Shush.

- And newspapers. It's true. - Shush. All right.

Hello. Hi. Hello, Mr. Rapzinsky.

Yes, I know. I know.

Yes, it's 3:00.

A friend of... Yes, I will.

Where'd you go, tootsie?

Hiding under the covers from the big, bad lady?

Open this door, please.

- Who's out there? - It's just me, Mr. Sherman.

- Who? - Sherman. Felix Sherman.

- What are you doing? - I live here.

- Where? - In this apartment.

Don't yell at me. Do you know what time it is?

- Could I climb through your window...? - Watch out!

Stay where you are. Don't come any closer. I got a broom.

Look, I've locked myself out. Believe me, I'm completely unarmed.

He's going to expose himself!

Hey, Sherman, where are you?

I'm out in the hall.

- What are you doing out there? - I'm locked out.

- You sure it's you? - Positive.

- Are you alone? - Of course I'm alone.

- Swear. - What?

Swear to me you are just a little fruit all alone in the hallway.

Did you hurt yourself, honey?

I think I've got about a dollar and a half.

I'll give it to you and then you'll go away.

- A whole dollar and a half. - Almost $1.75.

- Now I can go to Europe. - What about the YWCA?

For $1.75? That Christian the YWCA is not.

If "I, Rapzinsky" finds out you're here, he'll throw me, Sherman, out.

Wouldn't that be terrible to get thrown out in the middle of the night?

I'm going to sleep. And I'll be out of here tomorrow morning...

...because I don't want to look at your face any more than I have to. Okay?

- Okay. - Where's your TV?

- I'm proud to say I don't have one. - I can't go to sleep without it.

- Use your set. - I can't. He busted it.

He came charging in and he ripped the cord out with his bare claws.

I've had this set eight years. Eight years next August.

If he hurt it, if any of those tubes or anything are broken...

...I swear, I'm gonna murder him.

What's the matter?

You expecting company?

This is an expensive creation. I sent away for it.

- Did it come in plain brown wrap? - It's a modelling outfit.

- You model for the Boston Strangler? - If you're nice, I'll let you wear it.

Let's get one thing straight, Doris.

- How did you know my name? - It's written there.

Who gave you permission to read my panties?

Good night.

Hey. What were you gonna say?

Can you talk to me for a few minutes? I can't go to sleep cold turkey.

We have nothing to say. We do not speak the same language.

Oh, come on. I won't hurt you.

- You don't have to be scared of me. - Do you mind?!

- Almost caught you, didn't I? - Put down the shade and go away.

Why? You think you got something special?

- Got something I haven't seen? - One of the very few, no doubt.

You gotta get over this terrible fear of the opposite sex.

- Get out of here. - You live in a sexual twilight world...

Goddamn it, I'm as normal as you are. Let me rephrase that.

What are you so ashamed of?

- I'm not ashamed of anything. - Oh, yeah?

Oh, God. That's what I get for laughing so hard.

I'm sorry I laughed.

I mean, honest, cross my heart, I wasn't laughing at you, anyway.

I was laughing at the situation.

I mean it.

I mean it, cross my heart. You're a perfectly nice-looking person.

Nothing wrong with you at all.

Hold your breath.

It never works.

Take 10 sips of water.

No good. You gotta scare me.

- I've got to scare you? - It's the only thing that works.

- You might hiccup yourself to sleep. - It's a strain on my heart!

Stop fooling around and scare me, or I'll scream. Come on.

You're waiting for me to frighten you?

- Put me off my guard. - Off your guard?

Of course, dummy. Change the subject. Distract me.

- Okay. Nice weather we're having. - It's raining.

- It's warmer than this time last year. - I was in Chicago then.

- Fascinating city. - It stinks!

- Do I have to hiccup to death? - I'm putting you off guard.

- I am! - You're expecting it.

I am not expecting it. Will you come on?

You're right. I was expecting it.

I'm going to sleep. I don't care what you do. Good night.

You dirty, heartless son of a bitch!

Hey, you got anything to drink?

You got any Coca-Cola?

- Hey, Tinkerbell! - In the icebox.

I could die, for all that pervert cares.

Nobody gives a damn about anybody anymore.

What's the matter with you? You crazy? For Christ's sake!

I told you to scare me, not give me a heart attack.

Get your hands off me, you creep.

- Get her. - Up yours!

This makes three.

- Three what? - Three times I've been on TV.

This could be your big break.

- What happened? - I know this is an imposition.

- What happened? - If there were any other...

What happened, Felix?

Felix?

We've... We've been evicted.

- Hello. - I'm Doris. Pleased to meet you.

- I'm Barney. - I plan to take this to the courts...

Why don't you tell me about it in the morning?

Felix?

This is a peculiar situation.

Doris and I met this evening for the first time...

...although we lived in the same building.

I didn't have any cash, or we would have gone to a hotel.

To separate hotels. Separate rooms.

You're straight, huh?

I didn't... Barney, you should have told me you were entertaining.

We certainly wouldn't have interrupted anything.

- You want to use the bathroom? - Certainly not.

Thank you, though.

Thanks for everything.

Listen, if there's anything I can...

- Felix. - Yes?

I mean, that's really your name? Felix?

Is something wrong with Felix?

- Kind of eeuuchy-sounding, isn't it? - I'm not familiar with "eeuuchy."

If you could stretch your meagre vocabulary to eke out a definition...

I mean, Felix is a good name for a pet snail.

Thanks. I know you're not well-versed in etymology...

You bet your ass I'm not.

- "Felix" means "happy and lucky." - That's you. A happy, lucky snail.

Thank you, Doris.

- What do you mean, "Doris"? - Doris, a helpless, hopeless hustler.

I got two things to say! One, I'm not a hustler!

I'm a model and an actress. I've appeared in three TV commercials.

Three? You must have made another in the elevator.

Okay, okay! Maybe it was two.

But I've appeared in many magazines and newspapers...

...and I have been in a movie.

And in between assignments, you're for rent.

I've only done that a couple of times and only with respectable people...

...under emergency conditions. It's something you wouldn't understand.

What is?

That I may be a prostitute, but I am not promiscuous.

You're right. It's a subtle distinction. I take it back.

You're an example of capitalism at its most efficient. You take resources...

...add the cost of labour and sell the product for a profit.

I didn't follow that, but it felt insulting.

Nope. It was just a statement of the way things are.

Are you planning to sleep in that position?

It's a habit I got from watching TV at night.

- You had two things to say to me. - I did?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I just happen to know what the name Doris means because I looked it up.

So I guess you don't know everything.

You don't know what the name Doris means, do you, Dr. IQ?

Would you like me to tell you...

...what the name Doris means? Would you like to learn something?

If it will help you sleep.

The name "Doris" means "a Dorian woman."

- And what is a Dorian woman? - Beats the shit out of me.

Very nice. Do you want to turn out the light?

- I can't go to sleep yet. - But I can.

Well, you're a very fortunate person.

It's nice to be able to go to sleep whenever you want to.

Once I do go to sleep, I do sleep very soundly, you know.

Like a log.

Like a corpse.

But it's very hard for me to get to sleep once I'm awake.

I had this shrink once who said it was because I was afraid of dying.

I don't know.

I think that...

I think that it... I got this... I got too much of this stuff called...

...adrenalint.

That I got, you know?

See, like when I'm lying very still, I can feel it, you know?

Sort of...

...going up my body.

In all my organs.

My arms. My legs.

Like energy.

Like electricity.

Like Lon Chaney, you know, in the Man Made Monster?

Where they experiment on him by giving him big hunks of electricity...

...until he damn near glows.

After he kills someone, he's put in the electric chair...

...where they give him 50,000 volts of electricity.

This makes him mad as hell.

So he busts loose, and when they try to grab him...

...they realize all he has to do is slip them a goose and they would fry.

Can you imagine what that must be like?

What is it?! Why are you doing this?!

- What's the matter? - I've been up since yesterday morning.

My body is yearning for sleep, desperately.

I have things to do today. I would like to be awake when I do them.

I am not blessed with excess adrenaline. I am cursed by the need...

...once every day or so, to close my eyes and to actually sleep.

"To actually sleep." You've got me so punchy I'm splitting infinitives!

My mind is cracking. Soon I won't be responsible for my actions!

- You're a tiger when you're aroused. - Please! Please, Doris!

I'm asking you, in the name of everything we hold sacred...

...go to sleep.

I'm sorry, but I can't fall asleep without the TV on. It soothes me.

- How about a sleeping pill? - They're too enervating.

- Did you hear what I said? - What?

- I said pills are too enervating. - Yes, I heard that.

- You know what "enervating" means? - Yes, I do.

People think it means the opposite of what it means. But it doesn't.

- No, words rarely do. - Do what?

Mean the opposite of what they mean. My God, I'm starting to talk like her!

Hey, maybe you could borrow a TV set from next door?

What are you doing?

Then there's no way to prove my innocence?

Don't worry. Before he died, the old Indian confessed.

He told us everything. Everything?

Yes, everything about the money. They found it where he buried it...

...next to the old cross on the hill. And about Louise.

Louise, is she...? Yes, but she'll never walk again.

Never?

At least, not until next week when she walks down the aisle with you.

But, Dad, I thought... No, no, son.

Your mother and I found her years ago.

A tiny thing she was, half-dead with exposure, in Samson's Gulch.

- Then...? - That's right, son...

...Louise is not your sister. But that's another story.

Just time for a wrap-up of tonight's headlines before we sign off.

The body of writer Felix Sherman was found early this morning.

Autopsy reports show the cause of death was aggravated exhaustion.

And that's this evening's headlines.

Tonight's sermonette deals with God's greatest gift to man:

The power of sleep.

Sleep that refreshes the body and nourishes the mind.

Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care.

Sleep that seizes minister, priest and rabbi alike...

...without regard for colour or national origin.

This is FELIX-TV, the Sherman station, signing off...

...forever.

That was terrific. That was really terrific!

- Don't get up. - You must be a terrific writer.

- Please don't get up. - I gotta get water.

- Did you write for TV? - Oh, my God, she's up.

- Did you write for TV? - She's up.

No, I never wrote for the lobotomy box.

- Did you write for movies? - No, I didn't.

- That's too bad. - They don't seem to think so.

I love the movies. I used to go every night to 42nd Street.

But somebody was always sitting next to me, trying something weird.

- Ever try reading? - That wouldn't stop them.

No, I don't mean in the theatre. Did you ever try reading a book?

I used to read Playboy all the time until I got mad at them.

Why?

Well, I posed for these terrific Playmate of the Month things, you know?

- Yeah, what happened? - They sent them back.

I know the feeling.

Hey, Felix.

You wanna fool around?

No, I do not want to fool around.

Okay. Want a drink of water?

I know this will come as a great surprise, but I would like to sleep.

- Could you tell me a story? - It's impossible.

Just tell me a story and I swear I will go to sleep.

What kind of story?

You know, like a good movie story.

Sorry, I don't know the story of The Sound of Music.

Oh, no. Not that terrible thing.

You thought it was terrible?

Four times, I saw that terrible movie.

- You must have really hated it. - Nearly killed my friend Eleanor.

In the balcony of the RKO 86th Street, now torn down.

- Yes? - It was playing continuous.

No intermission.

- Get it? - Not quite.

Her bladder burst.

- There's a lesson there for all of us. - What about my story?

- I plan to have a nightmare. Listen in. - The stories in your suitcase?

They are works in progress.

Read me some of them. I'm interested. I really am.

- You would not understand. - How do you know?

It has no beautiful people, no hit songs, no happy ending.

Maybe I can show you where you went wrong.

I went wrong when I opened my front door at 2 this morning.

Read me your stuff and I'll never ask anything again.

I dig the sound of your voice. It's very enervating.

You know what that means? Oh, I told you.

Come on, read me a story.

I don't want to read you my story.

Isn't there any other way you can fall asleep?

- I'll read you my story. - Great!

I'm a terrific audience. I bet I'm asleep before page two.

That would be a compliment.

"Scream. Chapter One: The City."

"Scream." That's the title, right? Scream?

Yes.

- "The City." - That's a wild title.

Thank you.

"The city came to life. The sun spit morning into Julian's face.

Traffic's symphony responded to day's downbeat...

...as a million souls wrapped in the cocoon of sleep..."

The sun spit morning?

"As a million souls wrapped in the cocoon..."

The sun spit morning into this guy's face?

- That was the image, yes. - His face got morning spit into it?

- I told you, you wouldn't like it. - You said I wouldn't understand it.

I understand it, but I don't dislike it. I hate it!

- It wasn't written for you. - Who was it written for?

What right have you got to say a terrible thing like that?

What are you yelling about? It's a simple metaphor, that's all.

That is not all! The sun spit morning into this guy's face!

We didn't wake you, did we?

Oh, no. Not at all.

We thought we'd go watch the garbage collectors.

Get a jump on the crowd.

I'm sorry if we caused you any disturbance.

No, really. We planned to take a drive today in the country anyway.

And since the sun has begun to spit...

...we thought we'd get out early and catch some of the morning drool.

I sure hope I didn't embarrass you with your friend.

Hey, that's not his old lady, is it?

He's a very nice-looking person.

You know, you're not so bad yourself. I'm not kidding.

Hey, aren't you gonna talk to me anymore?

Hello?

I'm sorry if I used all that vulgar language...

...and that you got bounced out of your place.

I was so goddamn... I mean gosh-darn mad.

You had every right. Considering the facts, your conduct was exemplary.

You sure know some big words.

Language is my business.

- You okay in there? - Yes.

- What you doing? - Brushing my teeth.

Make much money at it?

Brushing my teeth isn't the attraction it used to be.

- No, dummy, I meant writing. - I don't write to make money.

But you'd take it if they paid?

Yes, but it would be inconsistent with my aesthetic responsibilities.

I understood "with" and "my."

They would give me money to write their way. I want to write my way.

Well, I guess they figure it's their money.

Yes, I think that's the way they figure.

Good night, Doris.

- Why did you do that? - This is a double bed.

I know.

I feel selfish sleeping alone in a bed...

...when there are people in China sleeping on the ground.

- I'll just make it up again. - I'll do it.

- I'm quite capable of doing it myself. - Look, I unmade it. I'll make it!

- I said I'll do it! I'll do it! - Look...

Doris!

- You kind of get to me. - Come on, Doris!

- Baby, I am coming on. - I'm about to give you a thrashing!

- I dig tough guys. - Violence is not me.

I dig gentle guys. I know you want it.

- I'm not an animal. - You'll love it.

I'm not governed by my appetites. I'm an intellectual.

My life is governed by my mind!

- Look, baby... - I am not "baby," I am Felix.

I don't care about your past. I've been with guys who were ACIDC.

Goddamn it, I am not ACIDC! Can't you understand that? I am totally DC!

If you want to, just give me your hand.

Close your eyes and pretend I'm a guy. A guy with a really screwed-up shape.

Wow, that was terrific!

- I'll get it. - I can get it.

- I got it! - Let me do it!

- You're making it tighter. - I can do it. I'm used to this.

- Let me untie it. Let me help, baby. - Get it. Get it.

- Let me do it. - You're making it tighter.

Wait a minute.

- I got it. - Give it to me.

- Watch it! Watch out! - Shit!

Wait a minute. Just... Oh, you mother!

- Don't point down! - Wait. Come here!

- Easy! All right. Okay. - Here it goes!

No, that's not it. That's not it, honey.

- Give me a hint. - No, no. You have to undo it.

- Does it hinge or something? - Yeah.

- No, that's not it. - Do I have to say a secret word?

Can I please help? Let go! Don't tear it!

- Is this thing a decal or something? - I'll do it! I'll do it!

What do you think?

Do that some more. Do that some more. Come on, baby.

- Come on, baby! - I'm not "baby."

- Keep it up, lover! - I'm not "lover."

Yeah, come on.

Good, good, good.

Attaboy, attaboy. Yeah, very good.

Put your hand there. Under there, yeah.

- Doris, please! - Wait, let me get my leg over.

Doris?

Good. How does that feel?

How's that feel? Is it good?

Could you please refrain from talking so much? It's ruining my concentration.

- What am I, a chess problem? - Just shut up!

Doris, please! Please, Doris!

Come on, Doris!

- What's the matter? - Just a simple respect for tradition.

Anything you say, Mr. Sherman.

What's your last name?

Waverly.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure. It's just that you asked me so suddenly.

Well, actually, I am in between names right now.

I tried Wadsworth for a while, and Wellington.

But, at the moment, it's Waverly.

Why do you keep changing it?

It's important for an actress to have a catchy name, you know?

Something that the audience can remember...

...and that sounds kind of classy. Don't you think?

I think it's important for an actress to have some talent...

- I got talent! - I didn't mean...

I got plenty of talent. Just because I don't talk good, you think I'm dumb.

Doris, I am telling you, you are not dumb.

- You're not just being polite? - No.

Well, you're wrong.

Half the time, I don't understand you. Those big words really bug me.

- Big words are not intrinsically... - Again! I don't know what that means.

- Why do you get angry? - Why do I get angry?

Suppose I said I spent time stoobulating. What would you think?

I would think that that shows you have imagination.

Not anybody can make up a word like "stubbulating."

Stoobulating.

The fact that you get upset when you don't understand shows your curiosity.

- Yeah, that's a great attribute. - Watch it.

Quality.

Hey, I really do like talking to you, you know?

Thank you.

I bet...

...if we had a good conversation, say, once a day...

...I could learn a hell of a lot.

There are aspects of life I could learn from you.

You bet your ass.

- Let me ask you something... - How do you like Washington?

Washington, you like it?

- Well, it's an exciting town. - Washington! Doris Washington.

That's very nice.

Listen, Doris Washington, tell me something.

I can't help being curious about...

- No, never mind. - What is it?

It's none of my business anyway.

I'll tell you if it's none of your business. Ask me.

- You've been with a great many men... - None of your business.

- I understand. - Understand what?

- I didn't mean to upset you. - You think that could upset me?

- What are you shrieking for? - I don't shriek. I talk loud.

It's not okay! What'd you have to go and ask me a question like that for?

I was curious, that's all.

A peculiar thing to be curious about. How would you feel if I asked you that?

- I wouldn't get defensive. - Because the answer's not interesting.

- You're making this very personal. - I am? I'm sorry about that.

After all, the question you asked me wasn't personal!

"Tell me about the 5000 or 6000 guys you slept with."

- But, Doris, in your case... - In my case? Yeah, I'm a special case.

- I didn't say anything about 6000 guys. - But that's what you were thinking!

Right?

- Where are you going? - None of your business.

- Is the truth that disturbing? - What truth?

Why don't you ask what you really wanted to ask?

- What is that, pray tell? - I'll pray tell you.

You want to know how you stood up to the competition.

- You want to know if you passed. - If you say so, teacher.

- Ordinarily, I don't handle beginners. - A pro like you wouldn't.

I know what your next question would have been too...

...because it's the same dumb question every trick asks:

"Did you actually get a thrill after all the times you've done it?

A piece of wood like you couldn't enjoy doing it...

...with an honest, clean-living, hotshot citizen like me." Right?

Why don't I know better? How come I never learn?

I'm not gonna be treated like a thing. I am a real person named Doris Wilgus!

Wilgus?

Take your beady eyes off me while I tell you something.

Last night, I thought something real nice was happening.

You really seemed to be a nice guy and all.

But I'll tell you, I fall in love all the time, so it's no big deal.

You were nice for a while. You said some swell things.

So it proves you're a better actor than I am. I mean, actress.

You'd know more about that since your acting's done in bed.

Someone's gotta know what they're doing.

Sorry if I didn't measure up. Do I get graded on a scale of 10?

- If you accept fractions. - Know what you need?

- I'm not interested! - You need a psychiatrist...

...who might, if he has time, assemble the pieces of your jumbled mind.

- Bullshit! - A technical term from the theatre?

Listen, Mister Know-It-All, I did my time on the couch.

- Well, if a bed isn't handy... - Very funny!

Anyway, that shrink was just like you, all talk and no action.

He said, "Do what you want as long as it doesn't make you unhappy."

So I did. I didn't pay my bill. It made him mad as hell!

Why didn't you let him take it out in trade?

Give me a dollar, please...

...if you can manage it.

Just so I can get a cab somewhere.

- Where do I send it? - Forget it.

- I won't. - You worked for it.

- Which is more than you did. - You can earn nine or 10 more.

I'll come back here. Your friend Barney will tell me.

Send it to Doubleday, 53rd and Fifth.

Is that where you work?

At Doubleday?

In a bookstore?

What are you, a clerk?

Hey, get a load of that! The bigtime writer is a book clerk.

That makes me happy.

- I'm glad something satisfies you. - Happy book-selling, Mr. Sherman.

Happy streetwalking, Miss Whatever-Your-Name-ls.

Maybe I'll come to the store and take a look at the two-bit book peddler...

...who will never be a writer.

- How would you know? You can't read. - I'll tell you how I know!

I know that you will never be a writer no matter how hard you pretend...

...because, goddamn it, the sun does not spit!

The clock's stopped with less than a minute remaining.

The Wolves, trailing by three, have a first down at the 25-yard line.

Stop! What do you mean by that, you stupid lug?

- Screw? - I beg your pardon?

I'll ask him for one dress and I can explain to him...

... how I'm an actress and it'd be good for his business...

... for me to wear one of his dresses, and he'll give me one on credit.

- Could you tell me...? - What, mister?

- Could you tell me what time...? - What, mister?

- What time does Cycle Sluts go on? - What, mister?

- Cycle Sluts! - Yes, yes.

- I want to see Cycle Sluts. - Sluts now.

- Overcoat? - I don't have one.

You want to rent one?

- Let me put money down on a dress... - I'm not here to sell no dress.

If you're looking for trouble, that's what you're gonna find.

Relax, relax, don't get so twitchy.

Where do you think you're going now?

I think I'm gonna go in here for a second. Okay?

Okay, but I'll give you 30 seconds to get out of there. It's getting late.

- I gotta get home, know what I mean? - Me too.

You're a very neat person, aren't you?

Well, I believe a man's clothes are his most valuable possession.

Oh, boy.

- Bring her in here. - No, no.

- Yeah, to the room. - No, not the room!

- Don't try that, you slut. - Want some of this?

- No, no, I beg of you. - Hold her while I open the door.

No, no, please!

You'll stay in there until you learn some discipline.

What are you doing?

What's that for? What are you gonna do with that?

What's that thing? And what's that other thing?

Where do you plan to put that? Wait! Hold it! You can't do that!

No, not with both of them! You can't, I tell you! You can't!

Can you? Maybe you can.

My God, you could!

I've got something to tell you.

What?

I don't know how you're gonna take this...

...but you got a right to know.

Know what?

I just flushed your pants down the toilet.

We close in five minutes. Can I help you find something?

Are you sure I can't help you?

We close in four minutes.

- I'm Eleanor. - I see.

Don't mean much to you, does it?

I don't think too much of you either. I don't figure what she sees in you.

- I appreciate your honesty, but... - You're a dump.

- A what? - The way you treated her...

Wait a minute. The way I treated whom?

- Doris. - Doris? I don't know any Dor...

Oh, Doris. I get it. Doris. Eleanor, you've got the wrong dump.

- They all say that. - This time, they're telling the truth.

- You want Felix. - You're not Felix?

Yeah, listen, they said downstairs that Felix was up here.

Well, he is.

- That's Felix? - Disappointing, isn't it?

- He sleeping? - No, he's dead.

- Come on. - No, he passed away two weeks ago.

But the folks here were so fond of him that we decided to have him stuffed.

- Hell of a good job, don't you think? - Cut the crap.

Felix Sherman?

I think so.

- What have I done to deserve this? - Not much, the way I heard it.

You're not...? Are you...?

I'm Eleanor.

- Eleanor. Barney, this is Eleanor. - Don't touch me. I got a condition.

Where's Doris, Eleanor?

I got a message for you. Doris does not want to see you again.

That's why I came. She told me to tell you...

...that she doesn't want to talk to you again or anything.

Even if you should see her on the street or in a store by accident...

...including where she is, right this minute, which is...

...having a ham sandwich at Riker's on the corner of Sixth and 57th Street.

Very good. You got it all out.

You ran all the way, huh?

- I was wondering... - Listen, l...

- What were you gonna say? - Go ahead.

I was wondering where you've been staying this past week.

That's what I was gonna ask you. Are you still at Barney's?

- No, I've relocated temporarily. - Same here.

I'm staying with my friend Eleanor. She's got this place on 14th Street.

- She seems agreeable. - Yeah, yeah.

Doris, I have something to say to you and it concerns both of us.

And if it's not...

- Who was that? - Got me.

- She said "Hello" to you. - No, she said "Woo-woo."

- Total strangers say "Woo-woo" to you? - Not until tonight.

- Now look, Doris... - You look lousy, you know?

- I do? - Like you haven't been sleeping.

- I haven't been sleeping well. - Tried hot baths?

Yes, I have. I find hot baths too enervating.

Enervating?

I made you laugh. One for me.

I want you to understand what I'm gonna say.

I have struggled for 31 years to establish...

- Is that how old you are? - Yes.

I have tried to establish the supremacy...

...of the intellect over the physical.

You ran all the way to Riker's just to tell me that?

- I didn't run. I jogged. - You could have sent a letter.

- I don't know your address. - You could've given it to Eleanor.

I wanted to see you again.

- I want to apologize for that night. - No, that was my fault. I got mad.

You were justified. I had no right in asking questions...

Sure, you did. You're a writer, aren't you?

Writers gotta find out stuff. If you don't ask questions...

...how are you gonna assimilate?

What?

I said, if you don't ask questions, how are you going to assimilate?

Assimilate?

Not bad, eh?

- You and Your Vocabulary. - I got it at the corner apothecary.

- The apothecary. - Pretty impeccable, huh?

It's very impressive.

I try and learn, I mean... No, I try and assimilate five new words a day.

I figure pretty soon I'll be able to talk as good as you.

- Wouldn't that be something? - It would be wonderful.

It's always an advantage to be able to express yourself clearly.

Hey, lady, want to go for a ride?

I think it would be good for me as an actress too.

- Yes, language... - Hey, baby, what do you say?

Language is one of the tools of the actor's art.

- Get rid of the four-eyed freak. - I can do things I couldn't do before...

...because I couldn't express myself sussintly.

Succinctly.

- Remember, language is power. - I'll remember that.

- Sweetheart, we got something for you. - Would you excuse me for a moment?

Jump in here. Come on.

I beg your pardon, boys, but you are intruding on my privacy.

Felix, come on!

People are so touchy these days. You gotta watch every word.

- What is it about you? - What?

- Is your life always so volatile? - Who?

Volatile.

Volatile?

Volatile. Here it is, here it is.

"Explosive. Filled with energy." Yeah, I guess so.

It's because I'm temperamental. It gets me into trouble.

One time, I had a fight with this guy who wouldn't pay me.

- Pay you? - It's not what you think.

- I grabbed him by his smock... - Smock?

- Yeah, I was... - Why was he wearing a smock?

He didn't want to mess up his suit when he was on the floor.

- Why was he on the floor? - So he could aim better.

- Hold it! What was he aiming at? - At me. I'm trying to tell you.

- Doris, I'm getting very upset. - Okay, all right!

Oh, my God. Will you let go?

- Jesus, you got very strong hands. - Start at the beginning, step by step.

- It's not interesting. - I'll be the judge.

Well, this guy, a businessman about 50 years old...

...with an office on Madison Avenue that's got this long hallway.

- And? - He'd give me 50 bucks to sit...

...at the other end of the hall.

- Just to sit in a chair? - Yeah, in my raincoat.

- You sat there in your raincoat? - With my hands tied behind me.

I see. And what was he doing?

He was at his end of the hall on his hands and knees in his smock.

And?

I'd yell "Bombs away!" while he rolled hard-boiled eggs at me.

Say that again.

- He rolled hard-boiled eggs at me! - He rolled eggs at you?

- Hard-boiled! It wasn't much! - That's disgusting.

- Why? Why? - Because it's... I can't find the word.

Hey, where are we, anyway?

Hey, where are we?

Who lives here?

What is this place? Whose place is this?

This is the house of Mr. And Mrs. Weyderhaus.

They are the father and mother of Miss Ann Weyderhaus, a concert pianist.

She is also my fiancée.

- You're getting married? - We went to school together.

We decided we'd be married as soon as I sold my first novel.

- When's that? - At this rate, next century.

- Why do you say that? - Who am I to argue with publishers?

- What do they know? - Something I don't, apparently.

You're awful hot, you know that? How do you feel?

- I think my hair is on fire. - You gotta go to bed.

- Felix has to go to bed. - Don't talk weird. It scares me.

- Felix is weird and he scares people. - Knock it off. I'll get your shoes.

I'll tell you the trouble with Felix. Felix went to a good college...

...and took literature, but he didn't learn anything about hard-boiled eggs.

Will you shut up about that?

- Felix has forgotten how to do buttons. - Lift your legs.

Felix will now lift his legs.

- Is there a thermometer around here? - Bathroom.

Point.

Hey, are the Weyderhauses rich?

Loaded.

Open.

Close.

This her?

Is this Miss Weyderhaus?

She looks partially attractive.

I can only see part of her face, but I guess she plays pretty good, huh?

She debuted with the Boston Symphony last night.

Is that where the family is?

How is she in bed?

I said, how is she in bed?

- That is none of your business. - No good, huh?

- Our relationship is not based on that. - What's it based on?

A mutual appreciation of the arts and literature.

- She doesn't want to? - Music is her whole life.

- Gonna honeymoon at Sam Goody's? - I don't want to talk about it.

They are very fine people. They have a very old-fashioned moral outlook.

- I know the type. - I don't think you do.

- You're not normal. - What do you mean?

Look, 94. You gotta go to bed.

- My body hates me. - Come on.

In you go.

- What are you going to do? - Light a fire.

- What if my temperature goes down? - Don't worry, I'll get an ice pick.

- Eggs. - What?

- What does it mean? - What does what mean?

What did you think about when he was rolling the eggs?

The 50 bucks I was gonna get. Same thing when I did that coffin bit.

What, I am horrified to ask, is the coffin bit?

Well, see, I walk into this room and turn the lights on...

...and there's this guy lying in a coffin, you know.

Hands folded, face all made up. Total corpse time, see?

Suddenly, he opens his eyes and he says, "Good evening."

And I let out a scream and that's it.

Fifty bucks.

Another guy wants me to wrap him in cellophane and crinkle him.

Then there's one that likes me to watch him while he eats a cucumber.

There's this guy who takes Polaroids of me...

...while this parakeet's walking around on my back.

Doris, you're a sexual Disneyland.

Well, it takes all kinds.

- I'm going to L.A. - What?

- I'm going to California. - Why?

Well, I haven't been doing too good here, you know?

That's where actresses should go. That's where the work is.

Just like you stay here because you're a writer.

- What's that got to do with it? - The city is what you write about.

- Like in your story, Scream. - I remember how much you liked it.

I've been thinking about it. I didn't get it at first.

Like about the sun spitting morning. But I can really see it now.

- You can? - Oh, yeah. Sure.

See, the sun, like a big face...

...here it comes, here it comes...

...real slow over the edge of the world.

And it looks out over the city and it goes:

See what I mean?

- What'd you do that for? - I'm not sure.

Would you mind doing it again? I wasn't ready the first time.

Don't unbuckle it. It snaps.

Listen, Felix, maybe you should take it easy. Get your temperature up.

It's going up. I can feel it.

Yeah, but you're exhausted, remember?

Parts of me are wide awake.

This could be very dangerous for a person as sick as you.

- I'm gonna stop any minute. - You do and I'll kill you.

- Do you think she's pretty? - Who?

Miss Weyderhaus, the concert pianist.

- Does she have a nice body? - She's very delicate.

- Oh, yeah? - Well, she's extremely fragile.

She got a sticker that says, "This end up"?

Not funny.

You think I'm pretty?

Yes.

I'm not, really. I just make you think I am.

How do you do that?

- It's a trick. It's hard to explain. - I don't understand.

It's kind of like acting, you know.

I mean, you gotta act pretty.

Watch this.

What about now? I look pretty, right?

- Right. - Now watch this.

Oh, that's amazing. That's two completely different girls.

- You're putting me on. - No, I'm not. It's fantastic.

What are you doing?

- I'm going to make you feel good. - I know what that is.

- It's gonna put you in a good mood. - I don't want to.

- Don't be such a tight-ass. - I'm not.

I merely believe that there are certain limits.

- I'll make you a deal. - Absolutely not.

Listen, a couple of hits on this and I will...

- Of course, if you're not interested... - Give me that.

This is to demonstrate I have a freedom of choice. I'm not square.

- I am, if I wish to be, perfectly hep. - I'm hip, you're hep.

How are you feeling? How come you and Miss Weyderhaus don't mess around?

I told you.

How come you and Miss Weyderhaus don't mess around?

I told you.

What, she's very fragile? She's fragile, right?

She's worried about her hands. She doesn't want to hurt her hands.

She could wear boxing gloves.

They're very beautiful, her hands.

- She oils them. - She oils them?

Like the tin woodsman?

Exactly. To keep them supple.

- She's an extraordinary human being. - She sounds like a drag.

Yes, she does.

- Is that a door? - I think that was a door.

Did somebody come in?

- Unless one of us went out. - Felix?

- That is a definite person. - Correct.

Felix, are you there?

- You're about to meet Mrs. Weyderhaus. - Mother, is Felix here?

- And Miss Weyderhaus. - Could we put it off for a while?

Anyone in there?

- They're understanding. Be yourself. - I don't have much choice.

Mrs. Weyderhaus, this is Doris Wellington, a friend of mine.

- Hi, Mrs. Weyderhaus. - My bed is broken and...

Ann Weyderhaus, I'd like you to meet Doris Washington.

Hello, Miss Weyderhaus. I've heard so much about you from Felix here.

- What's going on? What's up in there? - Mr. Weyderhaus, allow me to...

Doris!

What are you doing?

Jesus Christ!

That's "Bombs away."

That's the guy with the smock. You know, the hard-boiled eggs.

Where are you rushing? Jesus, you walk so fast.

- Where do you think you're going? - I don't know.

- Please stop following me. - I'm not. I'm just going the same way.

I want to be alone now.

- Will you let me explain something? - What is it?

You're depressed because you're not used to smoking grass.

- Yes, doctor? - And you've come down real hard.

The first time I got stoned I didn't feel human.

- I felt like a cockroach. - Kafka.

Yeah, like a Kafka.

You never know what's gonna happen. Be careful.

I'm going to be extra careful not to become involved in anybody's life.

- It's not good for them or me. - What about last night?

- What about it? - We made love. Wasn't that good?

You're confused. That was not making love.

- It beat the hell out of drying dishes. - What we did was to get a fast thrill.

One time is a fast thrill. Six times is making love.

- I'll show you what we did. Come on. - What? Felix!

Come on, I'll show you something. Come on.

Look. Look over there.

That's what we did, with just as little sense or purpose.

- Maybe that's what we're good for. - What?

Being each other's pets. Would you enjoy that?

- People love their pets. - You want to be my pet?

That's not such a bad idea. You could wear a collar.

- I'd have to lock you up at night. - I don't understand.

I could wash and bathe you. Say, we've already done that, haven't we?

- I could teach you tricks. - Don't.

- You could sit up, play dead. - You're scaring me.

What about retrieving? That's easy. Retrieving is an easy one.

- Stop it! - Here's a stick.

- Stop it, Felix. - Stick. There's the stick. Okay, fetch.

Fetch! Go ahead, fetch!

- That's too tough? - Stop it!

Let's start simple. Give me your paw.

- I don't know what you want. - Be a good girl and give me your paw.

- I assimilated impeccable. - Good trick. I'm teaching you another.

I'm gonna have to send you to obedience school.

- Give me your paw. - Why are you doing this?

Pets do as they're told, otherwise they are given away.

Want me to give you to some family who'll beat you?

Just don't stand there, give me your paw.

- If I do, will you quit? - We make no deals with pets!

I'm warning you, this is your last chance. Give me your paw.

Hey, Felix?

- My name is not Felix. - What'd you say? I didn't hear you.

- My name is not Felix. - I don't get you.

My name is Fred.

The person you are staring at is Fred Sherman. Not Felix.

Fred. Short for Frederick.

Like Washington, Wellington and Waverly...

...Felix is one more pompous notion, one more hopeless pretence.

F is for Fred.

It stands for fake and fraud and...

Phoney?

And failure. Right, that's what it really stands for...

...the good old American failure story.

- Oh, Felix. - Fred, goddamn it.

Give me a chance! I can't just assimilate Fred all of a sudden.

Stop using words you don't understand. Use words indigenous to you.

You stop using words I don't understand...

...then maybe I'll understand what I'm not supposed to understand.

Where you going? Huh?

What'd you do that for?

- It was either him or me. - What? That was your typewriter!

The son of a bitch was trying to kill me.

Who was? What are you talking about?

Somebody tell me what he's talking about.

Don't turn around. Just stand there. Stand there and count to 50.

Do what I say!

Just keep counting.

Now listen very carefully.

My name is Fred. Fred Sherman.

What's your name?

Doris.

- Doris what? - Doris Waverly.

I'm sorry. I didn't hear that. Let me ask you again.

What is your name?

- Doris... - Yes?

Watch it.

Yes? Yes?

- Wilgus? - Wilgus!

What a nice name! It's very real.

Yeah, it's that all right.

I work in a bookstore. I'm a clerk.

I'm in line for the assistant managership.

- No kidding? - Yeah. Well, I work nights.

I thought I'd spend my day looking for an apartment.

That's a coincidence. I don't live anyplace either.

- What do you do? - I'm a model and an actress.

But I was formerly a hooker.

I was also in two TV commercials.

I thought you looked familiar.

I'm very pleased to actually meet you, Miss Wilgus.

Very nice to meet you, Fred.

Actually, it was only one commercial.

You still love me?

We might even find a place with a TV set.

- I never watch TV. - Really?

Yeah. It's too goddamn enervating.

Subtitles by SDI Media Group