Original subtitles

[TELEPHONE RINGING][CAR HORNS HONKING]

Uh, hi. This is Rob calling for Alison.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, hi, sorry. I just, uh, pulled over.

Uh, what's the-- Did they have her-- What's the news?

I don't know what the laws are about driving with a cell phone.

I don't... I know that I voted for something

about Bluetooth headsets, but I don't...

Look, I just wanted to play it safe. Um...

Hey, listen, have we, um... Have we heard from them?

Are we, uh... Are we in?

That's great. That's, gr-- [CLEARS THROAT]

Yeah, it's great. That's great.

Uh, yeah, I felt like the pitch went really well,

and I was... I was pumped about it.

I felt really, um...

Pumped.

Uh, listen. Um, good job setting this up.

Yeah, good job. Hey, we're doing it.

Mmm-hmm, yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah, that... That works.

Monday's wide open. Yeah, I can do Monday.

Yeah. Um, listen.

I should go 'cause I have, uh,

some other calls that I gotta make.

Okay, all right. Thank you. Thank you, Alison.

Thanks again. Bye-bye.

[MUFFLED] Yes!

Yes!

Oh!

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[LINE RINGING]

Mom?

I think it's finally starting.

[SIGHS]

CONNOR: Well, thanks, guys, be right out.

Have some boxes in the hall, Connor.

CONNOR: Okay, got it.

[CHUCKLES] What're you doing?

I could've got those for you. CONNOR: Uh, no.

Anything else? No, this is everything.

Thank God.

So it's like official. You're like a Hollywoodian.

Like a Hollow-Hollywooder?

Out of the valley and into the frying pan.

Why would anyone do that to themselves?

[DOOR CLOSES]WOMAN: Connor?

In here.

I thought you left without locking it again.

Yeah. I said sorry for that.

I saw a distinctly bass Halsey man peeing in a trash can out front.

So a little more caution, please?

[CHUCKLES] I know. Not happening again.

You went back.Look.

It's bad enough living a block away from Hollywood Boulevard.

I'm just trying to make the most of it

by stocking up on shitty swag and trinkets.

All my Christmas presents for family I don't talk to.

We don't set foot on that street

unless there's a virus outbreak

and that's the closest medical tent.

I got something for you. And even then,

we would have to weigh it against

how severe the virus symptoms are.

"Best Writer." It only took three years.

And mine.

Very cute. I thought so.

Have you seen any more of our neighbors?

Yeah, actually.

They helped me carry all this stuff up here.

Aw. Simple but sweet.

My kinda guys.

Which one's Mark and which one's Dave?

I doubt their mothers even know.

He's so funny. He's like a prankster.

He's basically another Clooney.

That's amazing. What's something funny that he did?

Yeah, um, you know what?

It was one of those you had to be there type deals.

Oh, I get it. What else about him?

Yeah, dude, tell us more about Bradley Cooper's eyes.

Shut up, dude. You didn't work with him.

CONNOR: Neither did you though, right?

You just saw him at the studio?

While I was dropping off a package for work.

It counts.

Uh, maybe then you can pitch

one of Connor's scripts to the Coop.

No. Dave's just totally joking.

I would never ask a friend to do anything like that.

Oh, hey, beer.

Oh, hook a brother up.

You want one?

Uh, I'm good. Help yourself though, Mark.

[MOUTHING]

This week I caught up with "Funny Girl" Ashley North

on the set of her new comedy. Oh, I just love her.

As do I. I might be in love with her.

Aren't we all?

I spoke to her about the pressures

of becoming a rising star-- You've spoken to her?

She's so down to earth.

Yeah, I've heard that.

[CLEARS THROAT] We discussed

the pressures of becoming a rising star

and what it's like having the weight of the world

on her shoulders.

Take a look.

"Weight of the world."

Uh, it's probably a bit of an over statement,

but, uh, my back is killing me.

[LAUGHING]

No, but seriously. It's a serious question.

Oh, okay.

Uh, yeah, I guess it can be difficult at times.

[MOANING IN BACKGROUND]

It's a nice night out tonight, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

[MOANING CONTINUES]

So, is that why you moved to L.A.?

The weather?

I'm actually trying to be a writer.

Oh, my God. Well, me too.

Well, what kind of stuff do you write?

Uh, scripts and stuff, you know?

Is this your first one? Uh, no.

I've already written five. Ah, that's a lot.

They're not great.

[MOANING][POUNDING ON WALL]

They're not good at all, actually.

SOFIA: Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Mmm, yes.

Oh, yes.

Dave's been in there with Mariah for a long time now.

Sofia.

[DAVE MOANING] Oh, Sofia!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yep. Yep.

Oh, um, uh...

I'm not gonna...

Oh, I just... I get it. I get it.

I'm so sorry. No, don't be sorry.

No, I'm sorry for, you know...

Did you want another beer or...

No, I'm, uh... I'm good.

[CHUCKLES]

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[SOFIA IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Thank you, Connor.

That's right.

I am Betsy Ross, and I did sew this here flag.

[NORMAL ACCENT] Is it okay if I do like a Southern thing?

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Those men claimed they designed it,

but they have no sense of style.

Those stars were all wrong...

I cannot believe my ears.

I know.

I still have every one of 'em.

...needs a woman's touch.

Do you remember how we could just turn in a video assignment for any class

and it was like an automatic A?

My mom's camera single-handedly kept us on the honor role.

You could not have found these at a better time.

It's crazy how stunning we were.

Even back then, you were so talented.

SOFIA: ...I just...

I just love my country so much.

I just changed. CONNOR: "I just changed."

Yeah, I guess not.

...but damn, is he hot.

Did I write this one? I forget.

SOFIA: Damn, I wouldn't mind gettin' a few splinters in my tongue,

if you know what I mean.

Is that a genuine one and a quarter...

Diamond, what, carat?

Is that a genuine one and a quarter

carat... One...

Oh honey, is that a genuine...

Is that a genuine... Am I a bitch?

A quarter carat diamond ring?

Moon Kissed Jewelers?

Yes, a thousand times, yes.

[GASPS] Yes, a thousand times, yes.

[DOOR OPENING]CONNOR: Hey.

I remembered to lock the door.

Impressed?

I hate that. I fucking hate that.

You had an audition. That's great.

I don't need to read about it on Facebook.

And what's worse is after it was over,

he posted another picture of him giving the thumbs up.

Oh, like it went great.

Prayers and good vibes are appreciated.

Gross. The worst.

Hey, guys. Oh, shush, she's here.

Everyone shut up. Funny, A.J.

I didn't even know you were home, Connor.

I was trying to get some work done,

but I couldn't concentrate over all your rehearsing.

And how are we supposed to work

with all of your silent writing?

So, who had an audition?

A.J.: Oh, I worked something yesterday.

CONNOR: That's awesome. Congratulations.

Whatever. It's just another commercial, but, hey.

I miss commercials.

I'd murder a child for a commercial.

Stop.

Ugh! I don't know if I can handle

booking another bullshit pilot

that's never gonna see the light of day.

I drool over Marcus' residual checks when they come in the mail.

Oh.

Well, it sounds like things are really going well for you guys.

Sofia is kicking ass too, actually.

Really? TAYLOR: What you got, girl?

Yeah.

New headshots?

Okay.

They're gonna be really pretty.

Wow, Sofia.

You always need to update those.

Thanks, guys.

Connor has her first ever coffee meeting tomorrow.

Yeah.

She does.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I'm off to go find a place

where I can get some work done.

A.J.: Bye-bye. Later, Connor.

I'm locking the door.

Thank you.

How'd go?

I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life.

I want to go crawl under a rock.

So, not great.

What're you making?

Dinner.

I know I can be a little manic,

and I know I can come on a little strong,

but all things considered,

I'm like a normal person, right?

Usually?

I mean, that's kind of a loaded question, Connor.

Well, apparently, I am a huge, creepy weirdo

when it comes to coffee meetups with...

[OVEN TIMER SOUNDING]Connections?

That, yeah.

And fuck that word, by the way.

I can make friends, no problem.

I have probably made a few enemies without even trying,

but connections?

I mean, what does that even... Connections.

There's a reason I've avoided coffee meetups

for this long. What happened?

Just so many bad things.

From the start, okay?

Oh, wait. Who was this guy again?

Sorry, was he the web comic guy?

No, Carmen's the writer.

Like the actual writer who sold that script.

Shit.

So he comes in and he says, "Hey, how are you?"

Oh, and you said, "Not much," didn't you?

Ugh, I hate that.

"No thanks."

Oh, my God.

Just "No thanks."

Came right out.

I have never even heard of a "No thanks."

No one has, first in history, I think.

Oh, in all of history, I mean, there was probably

some nervous Roman... Maybe...[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Not the worst of it.

To be continued.

Thank you.

For you.

I told him I saw his movie.

But you didn't.I did not.

But I pretended like I did, because that can be

too hard to fake in front of the person

who actually made the movie.

I don't know who's making these decisions.

Who is this girl?

I'm listening.

Every time the part of his movie came up in conversation,

I told him I couldn't remember it

because I was really drunk when I watched it,

which is probably worse than not watching it at all.

I bullshitted my way through an entire

breakdown of his movie.

He would say a character's name

and I wouldn't know, and I would smile...

Everyone in that cafe knew that I had not seen that movie.

It was like I was floating

outside of my body, watching some girl

single-handedly destroy

her chances of ever having a career.

What? What? When did...

Why did I take this?

[SIGHS]

You know what?

It's okay.

Even if it had gone really well, which...

[MUFFLED] it didn't, but even if it had, what the hell?

It's not like...

[CONNOR TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

...when it was time to say goodbye,

then I kissed him on the cheek.

Oh.

[PHONE RINGING]

Wow.

Hello.

Yes. Hi.

Oh, my God, um...

[SOBBING]

No, no, no, I'm sorry, um, I appreciate it so much. Uh...

♪ Highway driving

♪ Up and down the countryside

♪ Forever winding...

[PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING]

Um, hi, this is, uh, Connor Miller.

I found your number on this list online.

I hope that's okay.

Um, I'm an aspiring screenwriter and I--

Hello?

Hi. I'm an aspiring screenwriter,

and I'm looking for representation--

[DEEP VOICE] Hi. I've got professional screenwriter Connor Miller on the line.

I can patch her through. She's got a small window--

[RINGING]

Hello?

No, Dad, I'm fine. Sorry.

Yeah.

No, I can talk.

As soon as I get a new roommate, I can start paying you back.

It just...

No, I know.

Two months is more than fair.

Thank you.

Look, Daddy, I gotta go.

I'm in the middle of working and, uh...

Writing.

Okay.

I love you, too.

[EXHALES]

[GIGGLING]

Shh.

Aren't we gonna wake up your roommate?

Don't have one.Oh.

So.Mm-hmm.

Am I coming in?

Oh, my God, you...

You are special.

What?

I know special, believe me.

I can tell that you

are a special person.

You know a lot of special people.

It's kind of my job.

[LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLING]

[MOANING]

Um, the side table.

What? I think I have condoms in there.

Let me just, uh...

We should really use a condom.

Yeah.

Shit.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We really shouldn't do this without...

No.

Definitely, uh...

Yeah, we shouldn't.

[EXHALES]

You finished, didn't you?

Yeah.

Did you?

[WATER RUNNING]

I hate you.

I don't know, Connor.

There's lots of these guys around, you know.

Like, he can be the real deal,

but he can be full of shit.

How did you meet this guy again?

Bar.

Well...

I mean, if he seems cool, he's probably legit.

Who knows?

You know, if you're like not feeling up for it, we could do...

No, no, no, we should... We should leave for dinner.

I, uh, I wanna be home early tonight.

Plans with business card guy? No.

I wanna get to sleep.

I'm waking up at 4:00 to pick someone up from the airport.

I am locking the door.

You're what?

Jesus.

This is how she left it.

All she took was the coffee table,

which we split the cost of, by the way.

You can sleep on the couch if you want.

Does it fold out?

Nope. Just a couch.

[SIGHS]

Your pick.

All right, fine.

I'll take the Sofia shrine room,

but I swear to God if I see

one pair of eyes moving.

Yeah, yeah.

This took time and care.

I know.

In my head, you'll always be way more adult

and put together than me.

All things considered.Exactly.

It just blows my mind that I may know more about finances than you.

Well, that's the price you pay

for living on your own like you are.

You gotta know about stuff.

So, since you have a wife, you don't have to know stuff?

I only have to know half the stuff.

[LAUGHING]

I talked to Mom and Dad. Recently?

Yeah, like a few weeks ago.

They're, uh...

They sound real stoked for you.

New apartment,

new momentum.

Really?

Yeah.

Like, what'd they say?

Well, Dad's impressed that you're still out here.

I remember, uh, they were really worried

when you first, uh... [WHISTLES]

Worried? Yeah.

I don't know, just about you being okay.

I guess the thing that I'm learning is, uh,

if you play ball and stick to the rules,

things have a tendency to work out.

[LAUGHS]

Was that a scoff? Connor, did you just scoff at me?

It's a nice place, Con.

I really like it.

Thanks, Milo.

America's newest celebrity sweetheart

may not be so sweet after all.

Another unhinged starlet rampage?

I'm afraid so.

And this time, it's Ashley North.

Oh, I just love her.

You did. I did.

Not anymore, huh? Not anymore.

The drunken actress was caught by our cameras

causing a scene outside a local strip club.

Ow. A scene.

It's just so tragic

to see an otherwise normal girl

just... I remember, you met her.

...unravel like that.

So sad.

I think we have some footage.

But they [BLEEP] cut me off, man!

I'm [BLEEP] Ashley North!

[BLEEP] Italian. [BLEEP] mother [BLEEP].

"I'm a security guard." [BLEEP] you.

You [BLEEP] hole.

I'm gonna [BLEEP] up the Italians, every one of them

mother [BLEEP] meatball-eating [BLEEP].

MAN 1: We love you, Ashley. Get outta here.

MAN 2: We love you, Ashley. [LAUGHS]

MILO: Okay, no, no, no.

You don't get to be upset about this, okay?

It was your decision not to come with me and stay home.

So you're gonna have to figure this out on your own.

Oh, oh, great.

Rebecca's fucking swearing at me now.

What a surprise.

What a refreshing change.

Hey, uh, babe, um,

yeah, Connor's real bummed she missed you this weekend.

Yeah, yeah, I'll tell her. That's sweet, sure.

Okay, all right, good night.

Love you too, bye.

[SNAPS FINGERS][CHUCKLES]

So, that came quick. Yeah, the place was right down the block.

It's kind of my go-to lately.

This town blows, huh?

What? Why'd you say that?

I mean, like there's fun stuff to do,

but it's not us.

No, it's not us.

It's me.

This is where I've lived for three years.

Yeah, but, you know.

But, you know what?

[MUMBLING]

This is, uh, this is the first time you've visited me

and you...

What were you gonna say, Milo?

Do you remember Todd Dormer?

Um, yeah.

He was your grade.

Cassie Neckowitz's boyfriend, right?

Yeah. And so, Cassie breaks up with him

the day that she gets accepted into JMU and he doesn't.

So he goes on this 10-day group trek to the Amazon River,

and on the last day they're like a couple miles away from the river,

a few of the guys decided to take a leak

in this little flowing stream.

They're like, "Hey, Todd.

"You need to hit the head?" He says, "Yes,

"but I'm not gonna go in that little flowing stream."

He decides to fill his bladder up to its capacity

so that once he gets to the river,

he could unleash an epic golden shower

into the mighty Amazon.

How many times have you rehearsed this story?

And so he holds it, and it hurts, like hell it hurts.

Okay, every single step feels like a thousand

little pins tickling his spleen,

but he makes it.

He drops his pants like a four-year-old at a urinal that's too high,

and he takes the greatest pee of his entire life.

Follow your dreams.

Have you ever heard of the candiru fish?

No.

So, the Amazon river is lousy with these little candirus.

They have a tendency to swim upstream

and are attracted to human urine.

So, it swims into his urethra?

[SIGHS]

Did I tell you this one already?

No, Milo. It's bullshit.

This is a myth. I've read about it online.

You know what else he said?

He said his biggest mistake was flying too close to the sun.

He should've just peed in that little flowing stream.

He should've gone with the flow.

Got it.

I'm not trying to be a dick here, Connor.

Okay, I'm trying to be an honest and helpful voice.

Maybe the type of voice that Mom and Dad never took the opportunity to give.

Did you tell Rebecca I said hi?

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Where the hell are the goddamn guest towels?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

[CHUCKLES]

You guys look great.

And so do you.

You're... You're a ninja? Mmm-hmm.

And, Dave, you're a hula girl?

No.

Vampire.

And you're a mom.

Someone's blind mom

who dresses herself and doesn't wear bras.

Are you still coming with us? Um, you know, I've got

a lot of other things I really should be doing.

Would you like some company?

What?

Let's go.

I guess, good night. Yeah, you too, Mark.

Did you want the address like just in case

you want come later? Mark, uh, Uber's here.

Bye.

[GRUNTS][GIGGLING]

Ah, I'm free.[GIGGLES]

Guess what? What.

I shaved my legs for you.

So, who are you?

Orson.

We've done this before, haven't we?

[SCOFFS] I know who you...

We've... Drinks and sex, twice.

I meant, who are you dressed as?

Ah.

I am Ashley North, the actress.

Do you mind?[CHUCKLES]

That's a good one? Thank you.

I should probably--Do you wanna...

Sorry.

Go ahead.

Do you know anyone who is looking for a roommate?

No.

Hmm.

Well, if you find out about anyone.

Cool, yeah, definitely.

What about...

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry. Um, just one more thing.

Know anyone with a coffee table

they're trying to get rid of?

I don't know anyone with an extra coffee table.

Sorry.

They're weirdly expensive, you know?

These people down the block left theirs outside

all day yesterday,

and it's exactly what I would want.

Take it.

Just steal a coffee table?

Do you do stuff like that, Orson?

They left it there for people to take.

People do that all the time.

Really? Yeah.

They're throwing it out.

Just take it.

Hmm.

You really can't afford a coffee table?

I can't afford rent,

hence the need for a roommate.

I'd, uh, I'd really like to make it through my year lease.

What do you do again?

I'm a waitress.

Well, like really.

Your thing was acting?

Writing.

Well, lucky you.

I know people who like scripts.

Are you really a "producer"?

Or do you just tell all the girls that?

Those finger quotes hurt a little.

And you kinda just answered my question.

Send me one of your scripts, Ms. Writer.

Serious.

If it's good,

I want it.

Seriously?

Well, 'cause I'm working on this great new script.

It's... I'm still trying to find my end,

but thematically, I already broke it.

It's about the struggles of this young woman

and-- Oh.

Keep the wig.

[SKYPE RINGTONE]

So, she lives.

Did you freeze?

Nope.

Okay, good catching up.

What do you want me to say, Con?

You want me to apologize? If you're offering.

Well, then, I'm sorry.

You're not very genuine.

Hmm. Must be a bad connection.

Sofia.

Why should I apologize? It was... It was rough, okay?

So, why should I say I'm sorry?

For abandoning me. Please.

It's not like I left you on a stoop in a basket.

We were supposed to be a team.

We were gonna make it or break it together.

I don't remember taking a vow. Well, I did.

Well, of course you did, Connor,

'cause you don't half-ass anything, do you?

I tried it out just like I said I would.

"Tried it out."

I'm so grateful you were there, Con.

Okay, but you knew this would happen.

I knew it.

After years of being almost perfect for the role

I knew I wasn't an actor.

We're not cut out for this.

CONNOR: Yeah, I am actually.

Holy shit.

[GIGGLES]

I'm sorry, Connor.

I know.

I'm sorry, too.

So, what're you working on now?

Actually, I think you'd really like this one.

It's... It's about the struggles of a young woman--

Car chase! Oh, my God, Dave.

Car chase! Car chase! Car chase! Holy shit!

Is everything okay? Everything's amazing.

"Car chase," I said.

Don't you have a TV?

Yours is bigger.

SOFIA: Hi, Dave.

Have we met?

[SIRENS BLARING ON TV]Jeez.

I've never seen the 405 so open.

This can't be your first car chase.

What?

Is this your first car chase?

I haven't seen one live, I guess.

Oh, this is the best reason to live in L.A.

How have you missed this?

Okay, every couple of months

and adventures criminals sacrifices next year or so

of their freedom to entertain the entire city,

and like a cosmic gift to the masses,

the freeways are wide open.

It's magic, and I don't want anyone--

Okay, shut up. I'm into it.

NEWS REPORTER: If you're just joining us... SOFIA: Turn me around.

...we're bringing these images to you live

from our traffic helicopter.

We have unconfirmed reports that the driver

of this stolen sedan is, bizarrely enough,

celebrity actress Ashley North. Holy shit.

North has been involved in a series

of embarrassing public exploits over the past few months.

At the risk of editorializing,

I'd say we're witnessing a downward spiral.

Stay with us as this story unfolds.

Maybe she'll crash into a library or something.

[SIRENS CONTINUE BLARING]

Do you think she'll crash into a library?

I just want this to be on TV all the time.

[CONNOR LAUGHS]

In a rush?

Uh, no.

I mean, we can if you want.

No, let's, uh...

Let's chat first.

[CLEARS THROAT][CHAIR CREAKING]

How're you doing?

How are things?

Great, actually.

I found my end.

I did it.Uh-huh.

I can't wait for you to read it.

It's gonna be, um... It's great.

Oh, you're script?

Yeah.That's...

That's awesome.

That's really great to hear.

How are you doing?

[EXHALES DEEPLY] You know, good.

Busy and, uh, good.

Yeah.

You seem so happy.Yeah.

Uh, things are just feeling clearer, I guess.

So...

You wanna? Um...

I'm actually... I don't know.

Give me a sec.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

MILO: [ON ANSWERING MACHINE] You have reached a recording of my voice.

Leave a recording of your voice.

We're connecting.

Can you feel it? Ah, this one's stupid.

Was this one stupid--[MACHINE BEEPS]

Milo, me again.

Mom's got me really freaked out about you.

Would you please just call back so I know you're not dead?

You know you could always come here if you need to--

MILO: Merry Christmas. Stop calling me.

Jesus Christ, Milo.

I love what you've done with the place.

Is that single plastic snowflake new? It really ties the room.

Where the fuck have you been?

The North Pole. Can I get a glass? Milo.

I was at Mom and Dad's for the holidays

and for the foreseeable future.

I was serious about that glass, by the way.

I was at Mom and Dad's and I had to leave,

because I didn't feel so welcome anymore.

Milo, they've been so stressed out.

Stressed out? Yeah?

I thought everything would be hunky-dory after I left,

without all the screaming and shit.

They haven't changed a bit.

What happened?

Same thing that always happens, only now,

I don't have the patience for it.

After the 18th and final argument of the season,

I had to bounce.

I don't need to be parented.

I'm a grown-ass, fucking adult man, okay?

And that's exactly why I stole these out of their basement.

We haven't heard from you in two days.

Huh.

How did you get across the country in two days?

Airplanes, Connor,

lots of airplanes.

I think I had a layover in every state,

and apparently, Delta has not been notified yet

of my reason separation.

So, I used all of Rebecca's miles.

Boom. Jesus, Milo.

Why didn't you call someone? Mom? Me?

I've been busy.

That's a dick move, man.Yeah.

You can't do shit like that.

Look, I know you're going through... I know it,

but there's a lot of people that give a shit, Milo.

I thought...

I'm sorry, Connor.

So, are you gonna help me with the stuff or what?

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[MILO SIGHING]

[SIGHS LOUDLY]

[SIGHS]Milo!

Could you maybe not? Well, I'm confused.

Connor, am I supposed to be

chipping in more around the apartment or not?

I feel like we had a very clear discussion--

Just later would be great.

What, are you crafting the perfect status update?

I am trying to write.

I'm so close to finishing this draft.

Hold my calls.

[PHONE CHIMES]

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, so who's this guy again?

Like a boyfriend?

He's really connected and he's nice.

We're like friends. Oh, gross.

Don't say shit like that. I know what that means.

Don't be weird. You don't be weird.

Hey, what can I make tonight?

Bread. What can you make?

I make a pretty mean grilled cheese.

Usually a little overcooked.

You could put some clothes on maybe?

How much time do I have?[OVEN TIMER SOUNDING]

Shit, uh, 20 minutes.

Cool, I'll get ready in 19.

Milo.

What?

Orson, you'll have to excuse my excessive drinking.

I'm going through a divorce, and it's Christmas.

Sorry.

I like your tree.

I haven't bought one in like six years.

So much work.

No, it's just a cheap little plastic one.

So, Orson,

why aren't you with your family for the holidays?

Are they as unstable and self-absorbed as ours?

Mmm...

I, uh, usually don't do anything for Christmas.

So, thanks for the invite.

I actually kind of like L.A. this time of year.

It's empty. Town of transplants.

You know, people empty out at home.

So, Connor tells me you're a producer.

Hmm. What does that mean?

I'll let you know when I do.

That's funny.

I, uh...

Make movies and other projects happen.

I get shit done, I guess.

What kind of shit? Movies and projects, Milo.

You don't...

He doesn't really know a lot about the industry.

Orson's actually offered to read one of my scripts.

Oh, that's pretty cool. What'd you think of it?

Mmm, it was great.

Way to go, Connor.

CONNOR: I, um...

I haven't, uh...

I haven't given you anything.

Hmm?

I haven't given you a script yet.

I've been working on it.

Well, I've read bits and pieces.

Hmm.

That makes sense.

Um...

No, you haven't.

Are you sure?

I know I've read something of yours.

No, you haven't.

I've been way too terrified to send you anything.

It's been kind of a thing.

You read a lot of scripts, Orson?

From a lot of girls?

This glaze, out of this world, Connor.

Hmm.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Are you a dick or an eccentric?

You see, I have so much trouble telling apart the dicks

from the eccentrics in this town.

Do you get into lots of fights?

No.

Not really.

Me either.

But still, you should probably get out of my apartment

before I finish this glass.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Everything is over

♪ And I'm feeling sad

♪ I just lost the best pal

♪ That I ever had

♪ Is but four nights

♪ Since she was here...

Good morning, honey. Orange juice?

Oh...

Oh, you just brushed your teeth, didn't you?

I hate that. We'll hold off.

Finally decided to get up

after all the cooking's done.

Oh, Arthur, leave her alone.

Teenagers are designed to sleep in.

Right, Connor? Right, Mom.

I'm kidding. She knows I'm kidding.

Ugh, the economy.

So, checkout this alien brain I found in the desert.

That's disgusting.Yeah.

Hey, Mom. Milo, Rebecca.

I didn't know you were coming.

Yes, this is a surprise, Mom.

This is what a surprise feels like. Hi, Judy.

There's not enough food for you.

You should've called first. Oh, Dad.

Don't even worry about it, old man.

We stopped on the way here.

You've already eaten? You're not gonna eat?

I can make more.

Mom, we're fine. Thank you, though.

God bless you. Hey, Hollywood.

Oh, Connor wants a big migration.

Oh, we're still a few months away.

And we're not talking about it. He's joking, dear.

Yeah, it's one of his famous jokes, you know the kind

that sounds more like a threat.

It's very unsettling.

Mom, I promise you we're not gonna eat anything.

There's plenty to go around. Judy, just sit down already.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

The whole family's here, Arthur.

Oh, there's actually a reason for that.

Yeah, that's right.

Uh, the temp agency finally got me a job.

Oh, that's wonderful, honey. There you go, Milo.

ARTHUR: It's about time.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm proud of both of you.

Milo's finally getting his life going.

Connor is making an extremely brave move.

That's respectable. It's noteworthy.

Dad. No, really.

Not everyone would do what you're doing, kiddo, not at your age.

I didn't.

We're very proud of you.

No one's gonna get in on those sausages, huh?

[LAUGHS]

That's disgusting.

Your mother made that food to eat.

I already told her we didn't want any,

so it'd be rude not to play with it.

Can I have a grape?

How did you end up so stupid?

No, really. Don't just sit there laughing like an idiot, Milo.

Tell me, why can't you take anything seriously?

Why is everything such a goddamn joke to you?

Come on, Dad. My wife's here.

This is a surprise. We've got news for you.

ARTHUR: Your wife is here. Why are you behaving like a child?

Playing with the food? I don't understand you anymore.

Orson? Kinda.

I'm a mix of Orson and that guy from Sum 41

you had a crush on in high school.

[LAUGHS]See?

I'm wearing a tie as a belt.

That does something to me, and I don't understand why.

It's all for you. You deserve it.

You've got a lot of talent.

Really?

Yeah.

She fell asleep.

Welcome back to the show.

I'm feeling really good about today.

How 'bout it?

Let's get right to it.

Ashley North is once again our main talking point.

She's still trekking, huh?

I can't believe it either.

Ashley North, really?

Ashley North, Ashley North

is on the Dr. Newton Show this week,

and she is telling all

about her recent struggles

with substance abuse.

More like struggles with drugs.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, why flower it up? She's a junkie.

Here's a clip.

I'm late for work.

So you turn off the TV?

Oh, God. It's a beautiful day,

Of course it is.

Every day is a fucking beautiful day.

Which, if you think about it,

kinda makes no day truly beautiful.

Can you do something today? Ugh, like what?

Like look for a job?[SIGHS]

I can't get a roommate while you're here,

and you can't pay the rent until you get a job.

Aren't Mom and Dad still sending you checks?

Yes,

but how much longer do you think they'll do that?

Look, just check the Internet, okay?

You can use my computer.

Okay.

I'm locking the door.

I don't care.[DOOR CLOSES]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

What do you want?

Just returning this.

Why do you have that?

After your brother had threatened to beat me up,

he made sure I took home some leftovers.

Good guy.

He's an idiot.

I, uh, I still haven't read your script.

I'm sorry, but I haven't.

[SCOFFS] Don't be. I still haven't sent it.

Yeah, you did.

This time I know you did.

I definitely did not send that.

Okay.

Listen, there's another reason I wanted to stop by.

Out with it.

[SIGHS]

I don't like where we left things.

[SCOFFS] Me neither.

And I don't like the idea

that you might think I was using you or...

I don't think that.

I wouldn't let you use me.

Exactly.

And the fact that I even give a shit what you think about me

is good.

I've talked it over with myself a few times,

and I've decided

that I like you.

I don't want this to stop.

Orson.

Now I'm not being sweet or earnest, okay?

Because I'm neither of those things.

But I know what I want

and I want this.

But again, just to be clear,

no sweetness or earnestness at all.

So, a movie sometime?

Yeah, yes, that's...

That's perfect.

Call me when you're free. That'll take forever.

I am very busy, and I will not be free until you call me.

[CHUCKLES]

Fine.

Bye.

Whoa. Hey, knock please. I could have been...

Oh, my God. This is all that I do.

Did you send my script to Orson?

That sounds a little familiar, yeah.

God, Milo, what a...

Why? It wasn't... I was working on it.

It seemed finished to me.

You read my script?

Yeah.

What? What did...

Did you like it?

Yeah, it was fine.

And you thought it was okay

to email a fine script to a connection?

Yeah, relax. No, I won't.

You're fucking this all up.

Whoa, Connor. You know,

you just don't get how this works.

You're on IMDb.

What? Yeah, I guess,

uh, one of the PA gigs you did last year went up,

and now you're, uh, you're on IMDb.

How many degrees? What?

How many degrees?

Are you serious? Yeah.

All right.

Okay, this stunt guy...

To super...

to Kevin fucking Bacon.

And?

Twenty-eight.

[LAUGHS]

Holy shit, 28?

Pretty... It's pretty cool.

Twenty-eight? Twenty-eight?

Twenty-eight! Twenty-eight! Twenty-eight! Twenty-eight!

[POUNDING ON WALL]MAN: Shut the fuck up!

Why are you so huffy? Huffy?

You seem grumpy.

Your hair looks really nice today.

Thank you.Huh.

So you can't say it.

One hour to get to the airport,

Forty-five minutes circling round and around LAX

and then two hours to get back

because you just had to stop

at the busiest In-N-Out in this dimension.

This is long overdue.

Thanks for picking me up, Milo.

Mmm.

You're welcome. Do you want to drink?

Nah, probably not.

I'm trying to score points back with my best friend.

I don't want her to come home and see us drunkenly making out.

[CHUCKLES] Like you could score with the Milostone?

No one calls you that.

It sounds like milestone.

That's barely a play on words.

Milo Ren. Are you into Star Wars?

So how is she?

[SCOFFS]

Well, is she all right?

I think you left a few things.

I swear to God, he's like 300 pounds now

and way into trucks. Oh, my God.

[LAUGHS] I hate how happy that makes me.

Yeah, well, fuck her.

Serves her right for stealing your boyfriend in school.

In the third grade.

In the third fucking grade.

I'm so glad you're still kicking ass out here.

I wish you'd never left.

I got a part.

What? When?

Right after the headshots.

But I'd already decided to move back home,

and I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I wanted to see my mom, my family,

and I decided that I could be happy working as a secretary

or in retail, or trying to convince Jeffrey

to marry me and deport me

with his mysterious contracting job.

Just coast through the rest of my life.

'Cause after three years of drowning in L.A.,

I decided these things and it scared me.

Would that make me a failure?

Would it make me as unhappy as my parents?

Are my parents even unhappy?

And then I got the phone call.

It was a real speaking part and real pilot.

And all of a sudden,

all of these questions that I was asking myself

were suddenly so much less scary

than saying yes to the voice on the phone.

So, all because you are afraid?

No.

I was also pissed

and bored and tired.

And I just don't care as much as you do, Connor.

I mean, what if I spent the rest of my life

being that tired? Ugh.

It's just not worth it.

You're stronger than me, I guess.

I can't think of anything scarier than doing what you did,

giving up.

You are going to be amazing out here.

You already are.

And it's just going to continue, I know it.

I know it, too.

[MUSIC PLAYING][INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION]

♪ You know, when I was young

♪ I was pretty sure

♪ That if you knew what I had

♪ You would eat your words

♪ Trying to see what's in my hands

♪ And all of my friends that I've kept in my purse

♪ Made me numb and stupid

♪ But I kept to my own

♪ And treat it like it's medicine ♪

[TV PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

Can I help you?

Did you read it?

Your script? Yeah

Uh-huh.

Hey. When did you read it?

Like a week ago, I guess.

And you didn't...

Did you hate it? I did not hate it.

We didn't talk about it after?

No.Hmm.

Connor, I...

I really dug it, actually.

Really?

I was kind of obsessed with it afterwards.

It's so funny and...

And it's so sad,

and the funny parts make the sad parts way sadder.

It's one of those.

That's exactly what I was going for.

I've been telling people about it.

What? What people?

Other industry guys,

Indie guys mostly.

Why didn't you tell me?

I swear we talked about it.

No, it's... It's really good.

Seriously, like,

like good enough to move forward

with these guys?

Don't get too worked up.

It's a long shot,

but I'm building some excitement.

Don't get your hopes up, though.

[CHUCKLES]

MAN: [ON TV ] I know who I am, but it's not that.

I kind of feel like it's all finally happening.

What did I just say?[LAUGHS]

Yeah, listen, man, I wanna hear, uh...

I wanna hear more about this gig.

Um, is it something I could, uh...

Is it possible to work remotely?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Uh-huh.

Who's that for? Hey, sign here.

Okay, cool. Sorry. I'm asshole phone guy.

It's cool.

Um, so no wiggle room on that, huh?

Uh-huh. No, it's just that I'm in L.A. with my, uh...

Hey, uh, I'll... I'll call you right back.

Do you need something else?

Where did you get that table, bro?

What table? Uh, don't!

I know this is my shit right here.

Uh-huh, seriously.

Where did you get this table? I don't know, man,

but you can't just barge into somebody's apartment.

I made this table for my mama in shop class.

So, how the fuck did it end up in your apartment?

Look, if you don't leave, I'm gonna have to call the cops.

I'm sorry, but, okay, no, no, stop it!

Okay, this isn't your table! Man, this is my table.

No, it belongs to my sister, and she's having

a really rough year. [GRUNTS]

Get outta here, you little dumb fuck.

And all he took was the coffee table?

Yeah, it wasn't really like a robbery scenario.

I think it was legit his table,

like the pizza guy makes tables.

It was on the side of the road.

People do that all the time.

Are you sure you didn't say anything to him?

Like what?

Were you drunk?

No, I wasn't drunk.

Huh, I wasn't drunk.

Oh, I can't handle you. Me?

How in any way is this my fault?

Ever since you got here,

it has been shitstorm after shitstorm.

I forgot that you were queen of Hollywood before I showed up.

How am I supposed to get anywhere

if I have to keep taking care of you?

What are you doing here, Milo?

Hanging out with my baby sister.

I'm not a...

Look, I'm really struggling here, okay?

I can't keep watching your life fall apart while I am

fighting to keep mine together.

My life's not falling apart.

Look, I need to focus on my own shit,

and if that means not being able to hold you up constantly,

then I need you to stay out of my way.

Okay, Connor.

Where're you going? To my girlfriend's?

I didn't know you had a girlfriend.

Yeah, well, you've been real busy focusing on your own shit.

It's locked.

[DOOR CREAK OPENS]

Bathroom?

Thanks.

Milo,

was that fucking Ashley North?

Oh, you know her?

Yeah, we got in pretty late last night. Tried to be quiet.

Didn't wanna be

a burden. ASHLEY: You're out of toilet paper

so I'm just gonna drip-dry, okay?

Might be a sec, Milo.

Okay, sweetheart. Thank you.

She really is down to earth.

Yeah.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

All set.

Well, as predicted,

all we have left in this apartment

is off-brand, out-of-date cereal.

I'm gonna rollerblade on down to the taco shop, get us some breakfast burritos.

You are so sweet. Stop it.

You're so sweet.

A kiss from Ashley North.

That's gonna last me all day.[GIGGLES]

Connor, right?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. Um, am I like on some show

where celebrities screw with regular people?

I don't remember how Punk'd works.

You recognize me.

Yeah, I, uh, yeah.

We don't have to sit here if you don't want.

Uh, we can sit on the couch too, also.

I'm good. Thanks.

[CLEARS THROAT]So, uh,

how exactly did you meet my brother?

At a bar, few weeks back.

We've, uh, met for drinks a few times since then.

Oh.

He just cares so much about other people.

He's basically the opposite of L.A. guys,

which is exactly what I need right now.

I'm kind of being devoured.

Yeah. No, it's all over TV. What happened?

I'm sorry, that's...

No, that's fine. Uh...

I used to be a really good person.

Most people don't realize that.

How did you, um, become an actress?

Uh, I moved out here when I was 16

and I dropped out of high school,

hit the pavement,

took a bunch of shitty jobs.

Soon enough, I got my first agent.

How long did that take?

Nine, ten years probably.

But, uh... Anyway, uh, fast forward

to this whole overnight success.

Which took about a thousand nights.

Yep.

And all that focus and drive

just wasn't all that necessary anymore.

That whole struggle

really did a number, I guess.

Yeah, but, I mean, you were pursuing your dreams.

Yeah, but you know,

that's what broken people do.

That's not true.

What's more selfish

than wanting to be happy all the time

for the rest of your life?

We punish ourselves for years,

we call it "paying our dues."

It's all so that we can have a chance

at that light at the end of the tunnel,

where everything is just hunky-dory.

And it's not?

Life doesn't cooperate like that.

You can't front-load the shittiness.

What, so people shouldn't try?

People shouldn't feel guilty

for striving to live their best life.

I mean, that can't be right, can it?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

The more I'm thinking about this,

the more pissed off I'm getting,

at you specifically, for saying that.

Uh-huh.

I'm proud of what I'm doing here.

My friends, my family are all super proud of me.

Because not everyone has the balls

to try and make something of themselves.

Only... Only a big fish

in a small pond is capable of transferring

to a bigger pond

or an ocean even,

if you don't factor in the saltwater.

It's a messy metaphor. Yeah, but I think it's fine

what I'm doing here, and, yeah,

I haven't finished a script since I moved, and, yeah,

I hate the person that I'm turning into,

but I've only scratched the surface of this town

and if it breaks off and falls into the ocean,

like they say it will, I'm in deep enough

that it'll drag me right down with it.

Not even a natural disaster could break me free.

I thought we were talking about me.

Burritos!

MILO: Were, uh... Were you guys talking about me?

CONNOR: Are you still awake?

Mmm.

When is it, uh, okay for me

to stop playing it cool?

You've been playing it cool?

I want to ask you about that script you read,

and how it's all going with those Indie film guys,

but I don't wanna sound overly eager, which is weird,

because we're like in a relationship.

That is weird.

Of course.

Yeah?

How's it all going with those Indie film guys?

[SIGHS]

It's a no-go, Connor.

[SOBS]

[SNIFFLES]

Oh, Connor.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.

This just

happens sometimes.

Most of the time, actually.

Yeah.

Look, your script went out there.

The guys just didn't connect.

That's still a huge accomplishment.

You've only been here a few years You got so close.

How could you not tell me?

"Nothing budged."

What kind of news is that to hear?

Well, why didn't they like it?

Connor.

Tell me what they said about my script.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Carl, the producer of Rager, that slasher series,

he said it didn't have a question.

What does that mean?

I guess like a... A central question.

You know? No, I don't know.

A mystery, a thesis

that keeps you turning the pages, a question.

That's so dumb.

[SCOFFS]

He produced those fucking Rager movies!

What's he know?

If there is a character that people can latch onto,

they'll wanna see how it all works out.

It's about the victories of humankind.

Carl's an idiot.

Well...

Nobody cares about character, Connor.

People want a point of view.

People want thoughtfulness [STUTTERS] and doubt,

not just mission accomplished.

This is exactly why I didn't want to talk to you about this stuff.

Why is that?

We're talking about writing.

We're talking about craft. This is good.

No, this actually kind of sucks.

Look, I asked you for their notes,

and you're giving me their notes,

I can take it.

You don't think I'm a good writer.

[SCOFFS]

Totally normal way to receive notes, by the way.

[SCOFFS]

I thought you could...

The whole point of this was...

Holy shit.

No--No, hey, I'm gonna stop you right there.

I cannot believe I did not see this coming!

Orson.

I was so worried about your feelings.

I was so worried that you thought

I was taking advantage of you. Amazing.

I wasn't taking advantage of you.

Oh, you are the fucking worst of 'em, Connor.

You thought I was what, huh?

An opportunity?

A fucking connection?

[CHUCKLES]

You actually think you're a good person?

Huh?

God, this town blows.

I know.

[EXHALES]

Bye, Connor.

[SOBS]

[WHIRRING]

[SHREDDING]

You didn't get that shredder off the side of the street, did you?

I don't think we're supposed to be taking shit

off the side of the street.

No.

This was in my closet.

Connor, these are all scripts.

Do you have them backed up on your computer or...

Yeah.

Fun.

When did I get so delusional?

Oh, can't talk about that. I'm shredding.

Mom and Dad were just always pressuring me to be great.

I guess I felt like I had to be.

Uh, no.

Mom and Dad worshiped you.

They hung your participation medals on the wall.

Not bitter.

They were supportive of you, too.

[CHUCKLES]

It's like we grew up in different households.

[MACHINE SHREDDING]

But again, I'm not bitter.

But if you're wondering why you grew up

thinking you were capable of great things,

it's probably just because you are.

Probably.

How do you know?

Oh, you told me, you were six.

[LAUGHS]

Is this the new one?

Yeah.

"Interior, editor-in-chief's office, day."

Milo. What?

I never got a chance to read the last scene.

"Articles and papers clutter the desk.

"What a stark change from Athena's first visit."

I've been meaning to tell you,

nobody's name is Athena, and you can't call her that.

You sent my rough draft to a producer,

and you didn't even finish reading it?

Oh, we're way past that, Connor.

Can you read for Athena, please?

You're such a dick.

I'll be the editor.

"You've had a great run, Athena,

"but we just can't overlook this controversy.

"The sight can't take the hint."

"But, Mr. Plummer..." Oh, that's a wonderful read.

You're really good at this.

"But, Mr. Plummer, you don't understand."

"No buts, Athena, we love your work,

"and we love having you on the team,

"but the world of fashion journalism isn't always fair.

"That's a harsh reality, and I'm glad you're hitting on that."

Okay, it sucks. Let's stop.

MILO: "The world isn't always fair.

"You're young so you might not have gotten that memo yet."

"I know more than you give me credit for."

"That's exactly right.

"You are smart.

"You are special, Athena."

So, fuck this place.

Fuck this journalism fashion place.

That's not in there.

Change it.

Okay, but I worked really hard on this.

So, can you please stick to what's on the page?

Connor, it's great.

You're great.

Today's the day. For what?

Bibimbap.

That place by Ralph's is closing in a month,

and I think this is our window.

Okay.

But can we Google what the fuck that is first?

Yes. Yes, please.

I've got allergies to worry about.

See, when I was a kid,

we'd probably have to Google it before we left.

But with your little smartphone,

we can do it on the way. You're so old.

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

[RUSTLING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MARK: Connor?

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

You guys?

MILO: Orson might still have the one I emailed him.

I could check in if you want.

Detective Simmons was nice.

I liked his tie.

Connor? Hmm?

Oh. Yeah.

This is a mess.

It's like some sort of natural disaster came in.

[CHUCKLES]

Where are you going?

There's another suitcase in the closet.

You know what? I'm good, actually.

I'm serious, Milo.

Yeah, so am I.

But I can help you pack, you know.

Hurry up. You're trying to leave tonight?

Come on. [LAUGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Well, I was driving west

♪ In the middle of June

♪ And gonna see some family

♪ And forget about you

♪ And I heard you singing

♪ On the radio

♪ It sounded like a tune that I had written... ♪

Okay.

Um, so, make sure you call the landlord about that leaky faucet.

Yeah, I'm on it. It's completely going crazy.

Okay, um, the keys to the mail room--

Are on the kitchen counter. You've told me

like three times already. Okay, okay.

Um, rent is due on the first and...

Just give me a little bit of credit,

just the littlest bit of credit. I'm an adult.

I'm an adult man. I'll try.

Where is the mail room again? Oh, my, Milo--

I'm fucking with you. God, get out of here.

I'm tired of you.

And I love you. I love you, too.

Drive safe. I will.

Don't tell Mom where I'm staying.

Okay, deal.

♪ The pavement on the ground decided to swallow me up

♪ And you just took off running

♪ And you let me go

♪ And I've been here all alone

♪ Yeah, I've been stuck here in some kind of a

♪ California sinkhole

♪ Yeah, I've been stuck here in some kind of a

♪ California sinkhole

[SONG ENDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Got to drop that and look at me

♪ Drawn up in your old ways and your mind games

♪ That we'll set free

♪ Pull me closer to the edge with you

♪ Pull me closer as we float through the room

♪ Oh, don't pay attention to the other half of you

♪ Are you lost in those words you said?

♪ Can't get enough of you

♪ After all that we've been through

♪ Some days you just don't forget

♪ Tryin' hard to...