Original subtitles

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Oh, Ma, I'm making dinner. What would you like to eat?

A nice thick T-bone steak, corn on the cob,

and pecan pie for dessert.

Now ask me what I can chew.

I'll start soaking the cornflakes now.

Girls, you will never guess who was just on the phone!

The real phone, Rose, or your Farmer in the Dell phone?

Oh, please.

I haven't had a Farmer in the Dell phone since I was 50.

Now, who called, Rose?

Jerry Kennedy!

Jerry Kennedy, the newscaster? Uh-huh.

He's coming over to pick up his daily planner.

I took it home from work by mistake.

Boy, was I embarrassed when I showed up for handball with Walter Cronkite.

By the way, if you ever run into Walt,

don't tell him he looks like Captain Kangaroo.

Miami's most glamorous anchorman is comin' here?

Oh, I'm gonna go freshen up.

If his bottom half is as good as his top half, I'm in love.

Boy, the timing of Jerry's visit works out perfectly for me.

See, his birthday is in two weeks,

and the office is giving him a surprise roast.

So I have to come up with one or two things that I can kid him about.

I can get away with it 'cause he considers me a good friend.

Well, then why not tease him about his taste in friends?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, that must be Jerry now.

Now, remember the roast. I really wanna nail him.

So keep your eyes peeled for any oddities or quirks.

Hi. It's me, Stan.

There's one. What do I win?

Stanley, what do you want?

Dorothy, I know you're still mad at me for spoiling our wedding,

but I've got some news. Big news.

And I thought you might wanna hear about it.

You've misjudged me.

Dorothy,

I'm seeing a psychiatrist.

I've discovered that the old Stan really wasn't Stan.

He was merely a Stan trying to be the Stan

that everyone thought Stan should be.

Hey, I've been there.

But now, with a little bit of help, I'm becoming a new Stan.

Oh, great.

I'll take a People magazine and a Morning Herald.

Ma, he is not a newsstand.

He's a new Stan.

Then you can see the change?

I'm waiting for the change. That was a $5 I handed you.

Look, Stan, old Stan, new Stan,

tastes-great-less-filling Stan.

The point is, I am not interested.

Good luck in therapy.

Dorothy, I don't think you quite get it...

I get it perfectly.

You're going to therapy to try to win me back.

And I'm telling you, you're wasting your time.

Not to mention $100 an hour.

$110, Dorothy. This guy's got the little beard and everything.

Dr. Halperin's working with me on something called "closure."

I'm not going there to try to win you back.

I'm going there to try to get over you.

Go around her, it takes less time.

The doctor feels that if you would

maybe join me at a session or two,

I might be able to work through my attachment that much sooner.

(DOORBELL RINGING) What do you say, babe?

I don't know. I mean, I'd...

I'd have to give it some thought.

Jerry, hello! Hello, Rose.

I'm sorry about all this.

Ah, sorry? There's no need to be sorry.

I'm a man who acknowledged he had a problem,

and I'm seeing somebody about it. Now...

Goodbye, Stan.

He's our mailman.

We've just allowed him to get a little too close.

Jerry, I'd like you to meet my friends, Dorothy...

How do you do? How do you do?

...and her mother, Sophia. Hello.

Ma, you recognize our guest?

Of course I do.

The only man you've had in your bedroom after 11:00 since we moved here.

Jer, I'll get your planner.

Watch this, Dorothy. He won't even know I'm fishing for info.

You know, Jerry, uh, when I was a little girl,

my father misplaced his daily planner, too.

It was when we were on the way to the state fair.

Speaking of state fairs, is it true that you're cheap?

Oh, my goodness. We have company.

Just so embarrassed to be seen in this old thing.

Don't worry, Blanche. The dress covers most of it.

Jerry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Blanche Devereaux.

And, Blanche, this is...

Oh, why, you don't have to tell me.

"From the Gulf coast to the Atlantic,

"from the Keys to the Okeefenokee,

"with the 11:00 news, this is Jerry Kennedy."

Well, I'm flattered.

From the pit of my stomach to the porcelain of the bowl...

There isn't an evenin' I miss one of your broadcasts, Jerry.

I just loved that in-depth location piece you did on the homeless.

Oh, thank you very much.

My agent said if I hadn't referred to them as bums,

I would have won a Peabody.

Wow. So, Jer, uh, ever dress up like a horse?

Well, not so far, but I thank you for asking.

Now, Rose, I think I just better

grab my day planner and skedaddle.

No, you don't want to skedaddle yet.

Don't you want to stay and have a drink before you go?

Oh, sorry, I never drink and skedaddle.

Besides, I have to stay sharp.

I've got a handball game with Captain Kangaroo.

(GASPS)

Ooh, why, you devil.

Are you suggesting another time?

Just name it. I'll be there.

Well... Tomorrow, 2:30, the Empire Lounge.

Well, sure. Why not? I'll see you there.

Oh, Jerry?

(GROANS)

(MOANS)

Oh, my, my, my, my, my!

Why do I feel the need to bathe?

So, how was it, Blanche?

Oh, you might as well ask me to describe

the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains

as they rise from the mist of a Carolina dawn.

They went to a sleazy motel.

Or the colors of the monarch butterfly,

spreading its wings as it emerges from

the miracle of the cocoon.

She got him to pay for half the room.

Or the sturdy cypress reaching heavenward,

tall and mighty and proud!

That one I think is pretty self-explanatory.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Who can that be at this hour?

Oh, I bet it's Jerry comin' back for his good-night kiss.

You know, sometimes you get so busy

buttonin' up and all, you forget.

How do you do?

I'm Millicent Kennedy, Gerald's mother.

Oh, how do you do?

I'm looking for the cheap jezebel

who's ruining my Gerald's life.

Blanche, company!

Blanche Devereaux, I'm here to tell you

to keep your hands off my baby.

He's very special,

and no one can take care of him the way I can.

Well, excuse me, but I haven't heard any complaints so far.

Did you know that Gerald is afraid of clowns?

Or that he can't go to the bathroom except at home?

Oh, so that's why there's that look on his face

right before they get to the weather.

Just leave my dumpling alone, understand? Or else!

Blanche, why did you let her go?

She'd be the perfect person to ask

if there's anything about Jerry I could make fun of at the roast.

We'll tell you what's wrong with us

if you tell us what's wrong with you.

That really won't be fair, will it, Stan?

I mean, now they know what's wrong with us.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, Dorothy, the sooner we do this, the sooner you're rid of me.

Stanley. Ah, Doc.

You shaved the little beard.

It's still $110, Stan.

You must be Dorothy. Please, come in.

I've heard only good things about you, Doctor.

You want a hug?

Maybe later.

Well, Doc, before you get started,

I just want to say that I love this woman,

and although she's angry, I believe she still loves me.

So, please, please, Dr. Halperin,

help the two of us put this crazy marriage back together.

Only once, Stanley.

The night I told you it was good for me, too.

(LAUGHING)

And you said she didn't have a sense of humor.

Stan, it sounds to me like you're going to extreme measures

to make some kind of point here today.

Now, why don't you just come out with that point?

Come home, Mama Bear.

Papa Bear gets so cold sleeping alone.

Couldn't you just medicate him?

I would love to, but I'm not allowed to write prescriptions for six months.

Please, will you sit down, Stan?

People, you may not believe it,

but these issues are not insurmountable.

It's not like that couple you were sitting next to in the waiting room.

Major problems in the sack.

Doctor, that's confidential.

You shouldn't be telling us that.

I know, but I like you.

Now, Stan, what you have to do is ask yourself,

why would you want to be with a woman

who so clearly doesn't want to be around you?

Well, I think I can answer that, Doctor.

There's no other kind.

Last time we met, you told me that

when you were a boy your mother didn't want you around.

Well, so my mother didn't love me.

I mean, what's that got to do with anything?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Doc, Sophia may not want to have me around,

but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me.

Stan, did you hear what you just said?

Yes, I said you love me.

You said, "Sophia."

You meant me, but you said Sophia.

You know, that's interesting, Stan.

You made that same slip in our last session.

Who's Sophia? My mother.

Calling Dr. Freud.

Look, I can't say anything definitively,

but there's strong evidence here

that Stan doesn't actually love you.

I don't? He doesn't?

That's correct.

A theory would be that he's neurotically obsessed with you.

Dorothy, we could build on that.

Actually, he's obsessed with your mother.

Are you saying that his desire to be with me

is really his desire to be with my mother?

Wild, huh?

It's all subconscious.

Sophia represents Stan's own mother

who passed away before the two of them could resolve things.

Doc, this is rougher than the session

when I thought I was in love with you.

I still have the flowers.

Stan, you see, in order to achieve closure,

you need to hear Sophia, that is to say,

your own mother tell you she loves you.

Now, there's not much we can do here without Sophia being here.

Dorothy, what are the chances

you can get her to come to our next session?

Gee, I--I don't know what to say.

I mean, no one's ever asked me to bring her along before.

I'll do the best I can.

Doc, what can I say? You're a miracle worker.

It's all part of being professional.

Now, who's my 3:00?

Oh, great.

Mr. "I'm scared of the dark" is next.

Wanna hit the lights on the way out?

Jerry is not a mama's boy.

In fact, he and I came to a major understanding tonight.

He and his mother aren't gonna see any other girls?

Jerry is simply a man who happens

to be sensitive to his mother's needs.

Ma, Blanche is right.

Jerry's aware his mother is getting on in years.

He's concerned about her happiness,

and he's chosen to live at home with her

because he can't go to the bathroom anyplace else.

Girls, I think I have my opening for the roast.

Listen.

"Good evening, everyone.

"I hope you enjoyed your Cornish game hen."

(GIGGLING)

What... What's so funny about that?

Oh, I didn't set it up.

You see, we're serving Cornish game hen.

Oh, well, now that you've explained it.

But this still doesn't say anything about Jerry.

I know, I know, but I've drawn a blank.

I even called his brother,

and they haven't spoken since Jerry was arrested for public nudity.

Damn it, there is just nothing funny

about that clown-fearing, mama's boy!

He is not a mama's boy.

And to prove it, he has agreed to bring his mother

over here tomorrow afternoon

so he can stand up to her in front of me.

Good for you, Blanche.

But if confronting Mrs. Kennedy doesn't work,

the three of you might consider a joint therapy session.

Therapy's a wonderful idea.

Oh, I remember St. Olaf's most famous psychotherapists,

the Freud brothers, Sigmund and Roy.

You may have read their bestseller,

If I Have All the Cheese I Want, Why Am I Still Unhappy?

Ma, all I know is, you would not believe

the progress that Stanley is making.

As a matter of fact, I was going to invite you

to one of his sessions with Dr. Halperin.

The psychiatrist? Please.

In the old days, we didn't need psychiatrists.

You had a problem?

You fought, you drank, you got a little on the side.

You dealt with it.

Wait a minute. This isn't Splash Mountain.

Ma, we're not going to Splash Mountain.

I want you to meet Dr. Halperin.

He's Stan's psychiatrist.

Mrs. Petrillo, I've heard a lot about you.

Lies! All lies!

Yes, I wanted a boy, but slowly I learned to accept her.

I just meant it was nice to meet you.

Oops.

Please, sit down.

Ma, as you know, Stan's been having difficulty making it on his own.

Dr. Halperin believes that you can help him

in his struggle to separate from me.

Sure I can.

Stay away from my daughter or I'll have your legs broken.

Ma, will you try to be serious?

I mean, where are you going to get the $400?

Just a rough guess.

Sophia, without going into a lot of psychological detail,

I believe Stan's clinging to Dorothy is really

a suppressed longing for his mother's love.

Now, my theory is that, subconsciously,

he's transferred that longing to you.

And if you're wrong?

I owe the parking guys a round of drinks.

Look, Ma, tell Stan you love him.

He'll be out of our lives forever.

You don't even love him. How am I supposed to?

I'll give you $1,000.

Sonny boy!

That's-- That's enough, the both of you.

This isn't the way it's supposed to be.

If it isn't real, what does it mean?

Let's just forget it.

What, you're surprised?

I'm supposed to love you?

Oh, sure, Stan, I love you.

I love you for knocking up my daughter when she was 17 years old.

For sponging off Sal and me for eight years.

For cheating on Dorothy left, right, and sideways.

Oh, yeah, I love you.

Sophia, listen,

I know I always haven't been the best son-in-law,

but I've got other memories. Good memories.

The four of us watching TV on that ugly green sofa

Sal bought from his boss.

Summer weekends on the Jersey shore.

It hasn't been all bad.

Dorothy, help me out here.

Dorothy? I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Look, if I have hurt somebody, I am sorry.

But you should know, I've hurt myself worse.

Sophia, I did the best I could.

I suppose you did.

Can't you find it anyplace in your heart to forgive me?

Any place in your heart when you loved me?

Have you loved me ever?

There was that one morning at St. Francis Hospital.

You and me peeking through the maternity window

the first time they wheeled Dorothy and little Michael out.

There was a whole happy future in your smile.

I suppose I did.

I suppose I do.

I do love you, Stan.

I love you, Ma.

Oh, this is great.

But I want you to understand, this is just the first step.

Doctor, you are a genius. I feel great!

Let's go to dinner and celebrate.

How does Chinese food sound?

I love Chinese food.

Oh, why not? A celebratory dinner to bury the hatchet.

Who invited you?

Don't wait up.

You know, I cannot remember

when I had a sponge cake quite so m-moist.

Extremely moist.

The moistest.

I found the tea rather moist, as well.

What? I can't be uncomfortable, too?

Well, all these raves have put me in the mood for another slice.

Gerald, do you really feel you need another slice?

Oh, well, maybe you're right, Mother.

The television camera does exaggerate the pounds.

Oh, I don't see where a little sliver would hurt.

Finally, some action.

Well, Blanche, I really shouldn't.

Yes, Jerry, you should.

No, he shouldn't.

He's watching his refined sugar intake.

Yes, he should. This cake is sweetened with natural fruit juices.

No, he shouldn't.

His cross-country skiing machine is in the shop.

Yes, he should. He gets plenty,

and I mean plenty, of exercise with me.

Checkmate. Hand the guy a fork.

Well, maybe I shouldn't, Blanche.

I mean, t-this darn girdle is tight enough as it is.

Rose, did you catch that?

I sure did, my friend. "Darn girdle."

The man refuses to curse.

Blanche, if you're going to insist

on contradicting every opinion I have,

I won't allow Gerald to continue seeing you.

Allow me? Allow...

Mother, this is where it stops.

See what happens? You put sugar in his tea, didn't you?

It is not the sugar, Mother! It's you!

Mama's boy, huh?

This is my life. I'm a grown man,

and I am going to love the woman I want to love,

whether she meets with your approval or not!

(EXCLAIMS) Put this man's picture on a can of stew.

Blanche, I want to thank you for showing me the light.

How can I ever repay you?

Hawaii. Big Island.

Mother, you are just going to have to live with your prejudices.

I don't care what your objections are.

I've made up my mind, and I'm going to be with the woman I love!

Oh, Jerry!

I'm going back to Christina.

Thanks again, Blanche.

MILLICENT: Gerald, wait!

We don't like Christina, remember?

Blanche, honey, you okay?

Oh, why do these things keep happenin' to me?

And why do I let them keep happenin'?

I'm just tired of gettin' all dressed up,

lookin' gorgeous, going out,

only to lose out in the end.

On the other hand, I am dressed up,

and I do look gorgeous,

and it is gringo night at Hernando's Hacienda.

Oh, but I don't think I ought to go. I'm just so vulnerable.

Does anyone know how to say vulnerable in Spanish?

Oh, never mind, I'll say it with my eyes.

Adios.

I said it before, and I'll say it again.

Sluts just heal quicker.