Original subtitles

HERE HE IS.

STUART, A COUPLE OF THINGS. ITEM ONE --

THE MAYOR'S DAUGHTER IS IN TOWN FOR A VISIT.

SHE'S HOT -- S-MOKIN' HOT.

WHICH BRINGS US TO ITEM TWO --

STAY AWAY FROM HER.

HE SAID IF YOU MAKE ANY ADVANCES ON HER, HE'LL HAVE YOU NEUTERED.

WORTH IT.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE!

SIR.

BONDEK!

GOT IT -- NEUTERED.

ATTABOY!

I GOT MEG THIS UNICORN --

A SORT OF PRE-EMPTIVE PEACE OFFERING.

WHENEVER SHE COMES TO VISIT, WE ALWAYS END UP FIGHTING.

SIR, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, MEG IS NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE.

HI, DADDY!

NO, SHE'S NOT.

MEG!

CHARLIE CRAWFORD. IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

THE PLEASURE'S ALL MINE.

HOW'S THE WOMAN YOU'RE DATING EXCLUSIVELY?

SHE'S FINE.

HEY, CAITLIN!

OHHH!

I'M SO EXCITED.

I GET YOU ALL TO MYSELF FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND!

HEY, BABE.

MMMMMM.

WHAT'S THAT?

THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND -- TRENT. HE'LL BE STAYING WITH US.

HEY!

COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.

THINK HE'S REALLY UPSET?

I'M THINKING "YES."

THANKS FOR TAKING ME TO THE BATTING CAGES, CHARLIE.

SORRY I GOT MORE HITS THAN YOU.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TURNED IT INTO A COMPETITION.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO HAVE FUN.

I WISH I COULD DATE SOMEBODY I COULD DO GUY THINGS WITH.

I HAD THAT THOUGHT WHEN I WAS 17.

HEY, CHARLIE, WE'RE GOING OUT TO SHOOT SOME POOL TONIGHT.

SOUNDS GREAT. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ACTUALLY, I WAS HOPING WE COULD SEE A MOVIE.

BUT IF YOU'D RATHER PLAY POOL WITH YOUR FRIENDS, GO AHEAD.

POOL IT IS.

YOU ARE THE BEST.

I HAVE TO GRAB MY BRIEFCASE.

ISN'T SHE GREAT? I CAN TOTALLY BE MYSELF AROUND HER.

CHARLIE, YOU CAN PLAY POOL.

WAKE UP. SHE WANTS YOU TO TAKE HER TO THE MOVIES.

YOU ARE NOT A SMART MAN.

YOU GUYS ARE GIVING ME DATING ADVICE?

LET'S BREAK THIS DOWN -- WIFE LEFT YOU TO BECOME A NUN...

...LAST RELATIONSHIP ENDED WHEN YOU RAN OUT OF QUARTERS...

...AND GAY.

WELL, YOU KNOW, CHARLIE,

I THINK MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY ARE RIGHT.

YOU'RE CURLY.

WHEN YOU SAID IT WAS OKAY I GO OUT WITH THE GUYS,

YOU MEANT THAT, RIGHT?

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SHOULD DO IT.

HAVE FUN.

SHE DOESN'T WANT ME TO HAVE FUN, DOES SHE?

THANKS FOR BEING HERE TO HELP ME WITH MEG.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HER NEW BOYFRIEND

THAT MAKES ME WANT TO, UM...

KILL HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS.

SIR, IF YOU WANT MEG'S VISIT TO GO WELL,

YOU HAVE TO BE OPEN-MINDED.

DO ME A FAVOR -- IF I START TO LOSE MY COOL,

JUST GIVE ME A KICK UNDER THE TABLE.

Meg: HI.

SORRY WE'RE LATE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD INVEST IN A WATCH.

[ THUD ]

OW!

SO, MEG, WHERE DID YOU AND TRENT MEET?

AT SCHOOL.

SO, YOU GO TO HARVARD?

HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY GO THERE.

HE, UH...OPERATES A DELIVERY BUSINESS ON CAMPUS.

REALLY? WHAT DO YOU DELIVER?

DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR.

SO, MEG... HOW'S LAW SCHOOL?

I'M QUITTING.

WE'RE GONNA BACKPACK THROUGH CENTRAL AMERICA.

I HAVE SOME BUSINESS ASSOCIATES DOWN THERE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING WITH THIS PUNK!

- [ THUD ] - OW!

- THIS BURNOUT! - OW!

OTHER SHIN, PLEASE.

- THIS LOSER! - [ THUD ]

OWWW! THANK YOU!

THANKS FOR SKIPPING POOL TONIGHT.

AH, RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE.

BESIDES, I LOVE DAME JUDI DENCH, AND I LOVE VICTORIAN COSTUMES,

SO...I'M IN HEAVEN HERE.

[ Thinking ] I AM DEFINITELY SLEEPING THROUGH THIS.

[ SOFT MUSIC PLA ] S

Paul: HEY, IT'S CHARLIE AND JULIA.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

CARTER WON THE GAME SO HE PICKED THE MOVIE.

Woman: I KNOW MATTHEW DRAKE IS A WEALTHY BARRISTER,

BUT MY HEART BELONGS TO SERGEI, THE STABLEBOY.

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

SO MARRY THE RICH GUY

AND DOINK THE STABLEBOY ON THE SIDE.

[ SNICKERS ]

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

Yes, it is.

I know.

Man: YOU WILL MARRY MATTHEW DRAKE --

NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS.

[ Thinking ] HE SAID "BUTTS"!

HE SAID "BUTTS"!

HEY, YOU WANNA SNEAK INTO A MOVIE WHERE THINGS BLOW UP?

YEAH, COME ON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

THANK GOD WE DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THEM

FOR THE NEXT 3 1/2 HOURS.

OH, MAN.

THAT IS A LOT OF JUDI DENCH.

HEY, STUART.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT YOU.

OOPS.

HEY, MEG.

YOUR FATHER WANTED ME TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT DROPPING OUT OF LAW SCHOOL.

WHAT'S THERE TO TALK ABOUT?

HE THINKS YOU SHOULD GRADUATE BEFORE YOU TRAVEL

SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO FALL BACK ON.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAVING FUN AND LIVING IN THE MOMENT?

NOTHING, BUT --

I'M SURE YOU HAD WILD TIMES

BEFORE YOU SETTLED INTO YOUR CAREER, RIGHT?

UM...NO.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

STUCK IN A LIBRARY, STUDYING FIVE HOURS A NIGHT.

SOMETIMES SIX.

SITTING THERE WITH MY FACE IN A BOOK

WHILE MY FRIENDS ARE SEEING RADIOHEAD.

SPRINGSTEEN.

YOU SAY YOU'RE GONNA DO THESE FUN THINGS LATER,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU NEVER DO. YOU NEVER DO.

I WANT TO DANCE ALL NIGHT

AND WATCH THE SUNRISE

FROM THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

YES! I WANT TO DO THAT!

THEN LET'S DO IT!

[ LAUGHS ]

A BOOK.

TINY, TINY...

SMALL ANIMAL!

SQUIRREL! NO -- CHIPMUNK!

COME ON, CHARLIE! GUESS!

"OF MICE AND MEN."

YOU GOT IT!

OUTSTANDING, CHARLIE! WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO PLAY CHARADES?

WHERE EVERYONE LEARNS -- ON THE STREETS.

WAY TO GO, HONEY.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "COUPLES NIGHT"?

THREE WORDS -- I LOVE IT.

[ CELLULAR PHONE RINGS ]

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO?

OH, HEY, STUART.

YOU GOT WHAT?

FOUR TICKETS TO TONIGHT'S KNICKS GAME!

I CAN'T GO.

I'M PLAYING CHARADES.

DUDE...

I KNOW.

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND I'LL LEAVE YOUR TICKET AT WILL CALL.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "IF THE HAT FITS..."

YOU PUT ON A HAT, AND THEN YOU ACT OUT ITS PERSONALITY.

I'LL GO FIRST.

ALL RIGHT.

[ CLEARS THROAT ] OKAY, UM...

[ Imitating Sean Connery ] HERE'S HOW YOU GET CAPONE --

HE PULLS A KNIFE, YOU PULL A GUN.

HE SENDS ONE OF YOURS TO THE HOSPITAL,

YOU SEND ONE OF HIS TO THE MORGUE.

Man: OUTSTANDING!

OKAY, CHARLIE, IT'S YOUR TURN.

COME ON!

COME ON.

Man: UH-OH!

OH! OH! OHHHH!

WHAT IS IT?

STOMACH FLU. IT'S GOING AROUND.

I HADN'T HEARD.

I'M STARTING IT.

CHARLIE, DO YOU WANT TO LIE DOWN?

UH, NO, NO. I SHOULD PROBABLY JUST HEAD HOME.

[ SIGHS ]

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

HERE YOU GO, DOUG.

[ Straining ] MAKE ME PROUD.

Doug: * LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA *

* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA *

OKAY...

THIS IS "GUY GOING TO A KNICKS GAME."

EVERYTHING OKAY, SIR?

OH, MEG DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT.

CARTER, HAVE YOU EVER STAYED UP TILL DAWN

WORRYING, PACING, WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING?

WELL, IN HIGH SCHOOL,

MY BROTHER WAS IN A BOATING ACCIDENT --

ANGIE, HAVE YOU EVER STAYED UP TILL DAWN

WORRYING, PACING, WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING?

NO, BUT THAT MUST BE VERY DIFFICULT.

THANK YOU.

LET'S SEE, UM, I WAS DANCING ON THE BAR,

AND THAT'S THE LAST TIME I REMEMBER HAVING MY BRA.

THERE YOU ARE! YOUNG LADY, I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK!

I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!

I WORK MY BUTT OFF AROUND HERE! I DESERVE A NIGHT OUT!

NOT YOU!

[ SIGHS ]

DAD, I AM 25 YEARS OLD.

IF I WANT TO GO OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME, I'M GONNA DO IT.

SIR, MEG'S A SMART WOMAN.

IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE SOME FUN NOW,

SHE'LL WIND UP REGRETTING IT LATER.

I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

YOU'RE ON POT.

SO...I HEARD YOU'RE GOING NUTS.

TALKING TO MEG, I REALIZE SHE HAS A FREEDOM THAT I ENVY.

I MEAN, MY WHOLE LIFE IS ON A SCHEDULE.

SO I DECIDED TO HAVE A GIRLS' NIGHT OUT.

WHAT'D YOU DO, WATCH "GREASE" AND PAINT YOUR TOENAILS?

WE WERE CRAZY.

AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M NOT WEARING A BRA.

GREAT KNICKS GAME, HUH?

YEAH.

I'M SORRY IF I EMBARRASSED YOU WITH THAT SCREAMING.

I'M JUST A HUGE FAN.

MY FAULT. I SHOULDN'T HAVE POINTED OUT BARRY MANILOW.

CHARLIE?

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

TERRIBLE.

I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO SKIP TOMORROW'S POTTERY CLASS.

THE DOCTOR SAID I SHOULDN'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR A KILN.

WHY DON'T YOU GO INTO YOUR OFFICE?

I'LL MAKE YOU SOME TEA.

HEY, CARTER! THAT WAS SOME KNICKS GAME LAST NIGHT.

I'M GLAD CHARLIE BAGGED THAT YAWN-FEST

AND DECIDED TO JOIN -- WHAT?

NOT CHARLIE CRAWFORD!

AH HA HA!

NO, CHARLIE, UM... UH, UH, MUG-STAPLER-STEIN.

I GOTTA GO.

YOU POOR THING.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

I FEEL SO BADLY THAT YOU HAVE THE FLU.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN GET YOU?

[ Weakly ] MAYBE SOME CRACKERS.

COULD YOU PUT THEM ON TOP OF A BOWL OF CHILI?

CHARLIE, I KNOW YOU WENT TO THE KNICKS GAME LAST NIGHT.

I MIGHT HAVE.

I WAS DELIRIOUS. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IN HELL I WAS DOING.

IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME LAST NIGHT,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME?

I'M JUST NOT USED TO "COUPLES NIGHT"

AND PLAYING CHARADES.

IS IT WRONG THAT I'D RATHER BE AT A KNICKS GAME

THAN SHIMMYING AROUND WITH A FRUIT SALAD ON MY HEAD?

I'LL ADMIT, FOR A FIRST-TIMER, YOU PULLED A ROUGH HAT.

LOOK, MAYBE...WE'VE BEEN MOVING A LITTLE TOO FAST.

WHY DON'T WE SPEND THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS APART?

WHEN YOU SAY "SPEND THEM APART,"

YOU REALLY MEAN "SPEND THEM TOGETHER."

THAT'S THAT WHOLE "OPPOSITE" THING YOU DO, RIGHT?

NO.

WHICH MEANS "YES."

I THINK I'M GETTING THIS.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS, I GET TO BE OUT WITH THE GUYS,

DOING WHATEVER I WANT.

SO, GENTLEMEN, LET'S MAKE IT COUNT.

YEAH! YEAH! WE'RE WITH YOU!

YOU'RE THE MAN!

ONE MORE OF THESE MARGARITAS,

AND THAT GUY'S GONNA START LOOKING LIKE BRAD PITT.

WHAT, I HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT TO PARTY?

AAAAH! YEAH!

DUDE! DUDE! HE'S A WILD MAN!

CHECK THIS OUT. I SAW THIS IN COLLEGE.

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

YES! ALL RIGHT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK AT THAT STIFF OVER THERE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

BEING STUCK WITH THE SAME WOMAN DAY AND NIGHT.

SHARING A LIFE TOGETHER.

WHY CAN'T THAT BE ME?

WHOA! WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

LET'S HAVE A TOAST.

CLAUDIA USED TO MAKE ME TOAST.

HEY, GUYS, REMEMBER THIS?

IT'S NOT THE SAME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO?

KISS A COMPLETE STRANGER.

THEN DO IT! RIGHT NOW?

SURE, IT'S EASY. WATCH.

UH...

[ GIGGLES ]

HERE I GO.

I'M CAITLIN.

I'M JOHN.

THIS IS MY WIFE -- JUDY.

I AM SO SORRY!

CONGRATULATIONS!

* I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS *

[ Off-key ] * I WANT YOU TO SHOW ME

* I WANT TO FEEL WHAT LOVE IS

* I KNOW YOU CAN SHOW ME

HOW'S "GUYS' NIGHT"?

IT'S GREAT.

NEXT TIME, I MAY BRING ACTUAL GUYS.

THAT'S OKAY. YOU CAN PARTY WITH ME AND MEG.

I'M REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD TO PARTY TONIGHT.

THAT'S COOL, CHARLIE.

[ Coughing ] BIG...WUSSY.

IT'S FUNNY HOW FATE BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER.

YOU'RE ALONE. I'M ALONE.

FOR ONCE, MY FATHER ISN'T LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER.

[ CELLULAR PHONE RINGS ]

HELLO?

[ TAPPING ON WINDOW ]

I REALIZE I CAN'T ORDER YOU BACK TO SCHOOL.

YOU'RE A GROWN WOMAN --

A GROWN WOMAN WHO COULD USE ONE OF THESE.

IS THAT THE BEHAVIOR OF A NORMAL MAN?

IT'S THE BEHAVIOR OF A MAN WHO CARES ABOUT YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO HURT YOUR FATHER

BY DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL AND HAVING A LOSER BOYFRIEND.

BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN THERE.

YOU DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL?

NO, I WAS THE LOSER BOYFRIEND.

I-I-I'M SORRY, MEG. I CAN'T DO THIS.

COME ON, CHARLIE, LET'S HAVE FUN.

MY FRIEND'S HAVING A PARTY. AFTER THAT, WHO KNOWS?

MEG, YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE, BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU'D BE SURPRISED, TOO.

I'M SORRY.

I SAW THAT KISS, CRAWFORD!

I'M CALLING YOU OUT!

BONDEK, HOLD MY MINK.

HI, GUYS.

CHARLIE.

I KNOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE APART,

BUT I HAD TO SEE YOU.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING SUSHI.

AND NOBODY CALLED ME?

CHARLIE, CAN I TALK TO YOU A SECOND?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I HAD THIS GREAT MOMENT AT THE BAR,

AND I COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

I WAS KISSING THE MAYOR'S DAUGHTER,

BUT ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS YOU.

YOU WERE...KISSING THE MAYOR'S DAUGHTER?

YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE WRONG PART.

I AM READY TO BE IN AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

I'M WILLING TO PLAY COUPLE'S GAMES

AND GO TO FOREIGN MOVIES AND MAKE SUSHI.

CHARLIE, WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S NOT YOU.

IT IS NOW.

I'M TIRED OF THE PARTYING AND THE WOMEN AND THE CRAZINESS.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH FUN.

NOW I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS, I'M READY TO COMMIT.

WELL...

I'M NOT.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE CRITICAL, BUT YOU'RE KILLING THE MOMENT.

IT'S GREAT THAT YOU'RE READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP, BUT...

YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME.

I'M SORRY.

WELL...LOOKS LIKE I WON'T BE SEEING YOU GUYS ANYMORE.

SO I GUESS THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO SAY --

DOUG, YOUR HAT GAME SUCKS.

DAD... WE HAVE TO TALK.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE.

I KNEW YOU'D COME AROUND.

HOW CAN I MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND?

I'M NOT GOING BACK TO LAW SCHOOL.

I THOUGHT WE HAD A PLAN!

YOU WERE GONNA GET A LAW DEGREE, BECOME A D.A.,

MARRY CHIP HENDERSON FROM THE CLUB.

CHIP IS GAY!

IN MARRIAGE, WE ALL MAKE COMPROMISES.

I GET ONE LIFE.

AND I WANT TO LIVE IT MY OWN WAY.

I GUESS IT'S JUST HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT

THAT YOU'RE ALL GROWN-UP.

SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY I WAS MAKING YOU LAUGH

BY DOING MY SILLY FACE.

THAT WAS YESTERDAY.

FROM NOW ON, I PROMISE YOU,

I WILL TRY TO LET YOU LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND -- I BOUGHT YOU A LITTLE GIFT.

HERE.

OH, DADDY. THANK YOU.

[ CLASP CLICKS ]

I LOVE IT.

[ SIGHS ]

GUESS I'M LETTING MY LITTLE GIRL GO, HUH?

AHH.

[ BEEPING ]

SHE'S IN THE HALLWAY, GOING DOWN THE STAIRWELL.

[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]

FOX ONE, THIS IS PAPA BEAR.

GOLDILOCKS HAS LEFT THE COTTAGE.

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

I'M SURE JULIA FEELS JUST AS BAD AS YOU.

SHE'S PROBABLY ALONE, VULNERABLE, DESPERATE.

IS SHE LISTED?

I GUESS THERE'S NO POINT IN CRYING IN MY BEER.

I MEAN, HEY, I GAVE IT A SHOT.

THAT'S THE LAST TIME I EVER WANT TO HEAR "SHOT."

OR "SHOOTERS" OR "FREE DRINKS FOR THE BLONDE WITH NO BRA."

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

MAYBE NEXT TIME THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU DECIDE TO ABANDON YOUR SCHEDULE?

NO, FROM NOW ON, EVERY DAY FROM 12:00 TO 12:15,

IT'S "UNSUPERVISED PLAYTIME."

YOU ARE A WILD WOMAN.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S TIME TO CALL IT A NIGHT.

I DON'T WANNA GO HOME.

ME EITHER.

OKAY.

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

[ Off-key ] * I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

* I WANT YOU TO SHOW ME

* I WANT TO FEEL WHAT LOVE IS

[ BEEPING ]

[ BEEPING QUICKENS ]

CHARLIE'S OFFICE! I KNEW IT!

STUART! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BRACELET?!

MEG GAVE IT TO ME. SHE SAID YOU WANTED ME TO HAVE IT.

[ BEEPING ]

STILL WEARING THE EARRINGS.

- [MAN] SIT, UBU, SIT. GOOD DOG. - [UBU BARKS]

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