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This, my friends, is New York City,
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the most populous city
in the United States.
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8.2 million people,
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4. 72 million of which are married.
5
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One of which is not me. Why?
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00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:53,782
Because it's New York City and I own a bar,
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00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:56,583
which is sort of like being, you know,
my own episode of The Bachelor.
8
00:00:58,391 --> 00:00:59,881
Now there is my brother- in- law Paul.
9
00:00:59,959 --> 00:01:03,395
That look on his face is called
"Married, lost and how did I get here?"
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00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:04,555
Sorry. Hell-
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00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:07,191
And that guy right there,
that handsome kid, that's me, Mike.
12
00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:08,734
Why do my friends come to me for advice?
13
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:11,703
Because when you're this single,
trust me, you've seen it all.
14
00:01:11,771 --> 00:01:12,829
I'll get a hotel.
15
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What? No, come in. This is Amy.
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Laura.
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I gotta crash for the night.
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For sure. Come on.
19
00:01:22,282 --> 00:01:23,806
- You okay?
- I don't know.
20
00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:27,442
I hate to say it,
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00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,351
but the second
some men put on a wedding ring,
22
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:31,982
it cuts off all circulation to the brain.
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It's like... He pretends to listen,
24
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:38,696
but then I could literally quiz him
25
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,928
about what I just said
and he would have no idea.
26
00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:45,437
Well, I'm not good at taking tests, okay,
that's a real thing. You can google it.
27
00:01:45,505 --> 00:01:46,631
I don't have to, Paul.
28
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Well, you should, because it's real.
29
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:51,769
There are three paths
to a healthy relationship.
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There's the path she's on,
which you need to respect,
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and then there's you, yourself...
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Okay, well, here's the problem.
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I don't know what my path is. Okay?
34
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,816
I lost sight of what my path was or is
or where it was going.
35
00:02:02,889 --> 00:02:04,789
- I've been path- fucked.
- Wow! See?
36
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,257
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
37
00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:08,191
- Who says that?
- I do.
38
00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:11,162
There are these things
that should stay inside your head,
39
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:14,359
but instead they keep coming out
into the outside world.
40
00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:16,994
Oh, my God, well, we're in therapy
so I figured, you know, call me crazy,
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00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:19,800
I could speak my mind,
but I guess I can't. I should be censored.
42
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,568
Do you have a gag for me? Okay?
43
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,472
You wanna hear
what really goes on with me?
44
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:26,307
You wanna know my inside voice?
If I may? If I'm allowed to?
45
00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:28,904
My business is down 25%, okay?
46
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,973
I know, it's not your
problem, I understand.
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00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:35,043
It doesn't stop her spending like wildfire,
which I'd like to get to in a second.
48
00:02:35,121 --> 00:02:37,681
But here's the bottom line.
I sent my daughter to private school.
49
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:39,952
I'll pay for that, I get it.
Education is important.
50
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:44,725
But now I have to pay for singing lessons,
piano and dance!
51
00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:45,786
And you know why?
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00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:48,299
Because apparently
my daughter is going to be the next Idol,
53
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:51,860
- or Voice or Duets at $1,600 a month!
- We should nurture her gift.
54
00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:53,929
- Nurture? We're not the Jackson 5!
- It is rare...
55
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,032
Okay, time out, time out! Time out.
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00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,498
Take a breath.
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00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:00,635
You, too, Paul.
58
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:06,482
Good. I hear your financial concerns, Paul,
I really do.
59
00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:08,953
And I hear you wanting to be heard.
60
00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:11,751
I think you're making great progress,
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00:03:11,824 --> 00:03:15,385
so we'll just take up where we left off
next week at this time.
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00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:16,894
Okay, well, just give me 30 more seconds,
63
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:19,864
because I want to finish the point
I started with in the beginning.
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00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,470
I'm sorry.
65
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,237
It doesn't work that way.
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00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,070
See the secretary on the way out,
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00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:31,007
and just stay positive all week,
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00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:34,012
and really... I'm really pleased.
69
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,207
Okay. Well, that's good news.
70
00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:38,443
All that laughing and all that stuff.
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00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,145
I could have gotten to the fifth path.
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00:03:40,353 --> 00:03:42,947
Well, fortunately for you,
there's only three paths.
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00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:44,114
Just three. Three.
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00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:46,890
There's hers. Yours.
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And yours and hers, together.
76
00:03:51,130 --> 00:03:53,291
Now, Paul's not the only one
who needs help.
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00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:57,303
Meet Marty,
Paul's business partner and my good friend.
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00:03:58,338 --> 00:03:59,896
Did you make sure
Alex got his chips in the bag?
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00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:02,868
He's the CEO of a large marketing company.
80
00:04:02,942 --> 00:04:04,432
A big- shot in the business world,
81
00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:07,673
but at home,
he's just another schmuck making PB&J.
82
00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:10,708
He's all chipped up. What are you doing?
83
00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:13,141
- And his Fruit Roll- Up?
- All rolled up.
84
00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:14,481
We got all the food groups.
85
00:04:14,554 --> 00:04:17,990
I got the fruit group, the bread group
and the peanut butter group. He's all set.
86
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,689
Marty, my family wanted
to have dinner with us later.
87
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:24,161
So if you could make that happen,
that'd be great.
88
00:04:24,230 --> 00:04:26,858
No, well, I got a hockey game, sweets.
89
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:30,062
So now hockey's more important than
dinner with my family?
90
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:32,297
No, I didn't say that,
it's just that the team needs me.
91
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,095
I wish they didn't, but they do.
92
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:35,606
I mean, the squad can't win without me.
93
00:04:36,075 --> 00:04:37,702
Yeah. Okay. Well.
94
00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:39,904
Maybe after the scouts see you
then you'll have some free time.
95
00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:41,537
Yeah, well, you know
there was a time when I thought
96
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:43,047
the pro scouts would be calling.
97
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,380
And there was a time that
I thought I'd be 5'9".
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00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,180
Don't think I didn't notice
you skipping out on the jelly
99
00:04:47,253 --> 00:04:49,084
on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
100
00:04:49,155 --> 00:04:50,747
Taking lazy to a whole new level.
101
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:54,324
No, no. It's just that
Alex's taste buds are changing,
102
00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,616
he doesn't love jelly
as much as he used to.
103
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,862
Yeah, he told
you that?
104
00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:58,553
- Who?
- Excuse me?
105
00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:01,798
Fine, but it happens to boys.
You know, it happened to me.
106
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,426
I went through a heavy gefilte fish phase.
107
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,465
I used to hate it, now I love it.
108
00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:07,438
Marty, jelly. Please.
109
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:21,845
I wrote a song. Do you want to hear it?
110
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:23,521
- Now?
- Yeah.
111
00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:27,184
It's about getting roofied
and waking up not that upset.
112
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,251
I know it's a weird topic, but...
113
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:32,030
You can't write a great song without pain.
114
00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:33,827
Well, that's not necessarily true.
115
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,733
I mean,
Madonna came from an upper- class family,
116
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:39,465
McCartney had a very good relationship
with his father,
117
00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:42,474
and Alice Cooper, nice Jewish boy,
likes to play golf.
118
00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:44,737
- Golf is a...
- Shut up. Just listen, okay?
119
00:05:46,546 --> 00:05:49,947
Sleeping through sex
Wasn't as bad as I thought
120
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:53,042
He took me like a criminal
And I was caught
121
00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:57,180
I'm asleep yet happy
Unconscious, not sad
122
00:05:57,256 --> 00:06:00,248
Life can be happy
Don't have to be sad
123
00:06:00,326 --> 00:06:02,453
So somebody call the cops
124
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:03,753
Or not
125
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:06,025
Very melodic. I like the
words, the rhyme...
126
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:10,002
Prostitution is a viable option
127
00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:12,833
As I ponder my thoughts
128
00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:16,602
Go deep into my psyche
Do I really like me?
129
00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:20,439
Fuck the world as it stands today!
130
00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:23,774
You have a gift. You have a gift.
131
00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:25,682
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
132
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,310
Do you think you can get me a record deal?
133
00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:30,817
Record deal?
Who does she think she's fucking? CeeLo?
134
00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:34,849
- It's fucking hockey, not hopscotch, buddy!
- Wheel! Wheel!
135
00:06:34,927 --> 00:06:36,827
Man, your sister's killing me.
She thinks I don't care.
136
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,830
She's got no idea
how much is on my mind right now.
137
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:41,230
See, you guys have like a combo platter
going right now.
138
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,700
You both care, but, you know, not enough.
You gotta up the care.
139
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,533
Give her a little attention.
It's that simple.
140
00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:46,799
Yeah, up the care? What do you know?
141
00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:48,363
You haven't been in a relationship
in over three years.
142
00:06:48,441 --> 00:06:49,965
Yeah. That's what makes me an expert.
143
00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:52,442
While you were getting married to
my sister, losing half your manhood,
144
00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:54,309
I've been in trenches
dating women of every culture.
145
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:55,847
Banging here and there.
146
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:58,008
- Can't believe you never got an STD.
- STD.
147
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,279
Listen, when you fuck Guatemalan twins
148
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:03,447
in 10- degree weather without a shirt,
a cold doesn't stand a chance.
149
00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,753
- My immune system's on steroids.
- Did you really do that?
150
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,349
Yeah. I showed you the pictures.
151
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:12,322
- This guy doesn't hustle! Hustle, please!
- What have you got?
152
00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:15,424
Hey listen to this, Lianne tried to get me
to a parent's dinner the other night.
153
00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:17,162
I felt bad, but I just couldn't stomach it.
154
00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:18,908
Marty, it's getting
embarrassing for all of us.
155
00:07:18,921 --> 00:07:20,603
Grow a fucking
backbone!
156
00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:22,634
You know what,
you give in to a parents‘ dinner,
157
00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:24,266
next thing you know
she's resting a drink on your head
158
00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:25,332
and you're giving her a foot rub.
159
00:07:25,411 --> 00:07:27,902
She's going to need a foot rub with
all the working out she's doing.
160
00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:29,511
She's like the Jewish Flojo.
161
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:30,913
You know what it is with you?
162
00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:33,349
You lost your...
You were a cool kid, you know that?
163
00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:35,284
It's your fucking walk. That's what it is.
164
00:07:35,354 --> 00:07:38,016
- What's wrong with my walk?
- It's like you're falling all the time.
165
00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:40,018
- So, sometimes I feel like I'm falling.
- Yeah.
166
00:07:40,092 --> 00:07:42,117
You know what I do?
I put a song in my head like...
167
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,719
Like The Stones, Sympathy for The Devil.
168
00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:47,095
Or if I'm trying to appeal
to a kind of a cooler crowd,
169
00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:48,565
Jay- Z, 99 Problems.
170
00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:50,467
Okay, yeah. I like Jigga Man.
171
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:51,525
- Yeah.
- All right.
172
00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:53,833
- Get out there and score.
- All right.
173
00:07:55,107 --> 00:07:56,631
- Go.
- So I take this girl on a date,
174
00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:59,576
and the first thing out of her mouth is,
what are my intentions?
175
00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:01,078
- What the...
- End it.
176
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,341
- But it just started.
- End it!
177
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:04,042
If it starts that fast,
it's gonna end that fast.
178
00:08:04,116 --> 00:08:06,744
And you be the one to do it.
I don't need a broken- hearted center.
179
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:09,117
- Peter, get the fuck out there. Go.
- Come on! Let's go, blues!
180
00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:10,177
What've you got for us?
181
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,734
Nobody's happy.
182
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:28,706
Life is an illusion,
and part of life is to be unhappy.
183
00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:30,435
- It's all a struggle.
- What the...
184
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,273
I'm telling you, it's all
about fighting gravity.
185
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,607
Hey, Marty, it is what it is.
186
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,273
No, you can say it is what it is,
but it's just not!
187
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,045
Not with me.
I'm confused. I'm overwhelmed.
188
00:08:39,118 --> 00:08:42,019
I'm overburdened. I'm slightly overweight.
189
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:44,022
Like now, but I just don't know...
190
00:08:44,824 --> 00:08:46,257
Hey boys. How are you?
191
00:08:46,325 --> 00:08:47,622
- Hey.
- We're losers.
192
00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:48,716
Tough loss today?
193
00:08:48,794 --> 00:08:50,785
No, our wives think we're losers.
Our team likes us.
194
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:53,555
Guys, don't beat yourselves up.
You must be doing something right.
195
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:56,568
And to be honest, you both married up.
196
00:08:58,137 --> 00:08:59,502
- What does that mean?
- Is that good?
197
00:08:59,805 --> 00:09:01,864
No, it's not good.
It means your wives are better than you.
198
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,840
Clarissa, can you see
all those patrons staring into space
199
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:07,379
wishing they had alcohol?
200
00:09:07,446 --> 00:09:10,210
Fine, boss, but actually I
just came here to let you know
201
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:13,275
the building landlord called and you should
call him as soon as possible.
202
00:09:13,352 --> 00:09:15,047
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
203
00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:17,150
- Bye, guys.
- Later.
204
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:18,948
Bye.
205
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:22,490
She's so hot!
206
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,793
She's so beautiful, she's so sexy,
she makes my stomach sick.
207
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:27,890
I mean, she throws me off balance
just looking at her.
208
00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:29,059
It confuses me.
209
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:32,002
- In my head, I just slept with her twice.
- Me, too.
210
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,698
What was she wearing in your fantasy?
211
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:35,365
Coconut oil and a smile.
212
00:09:35,441 --> 00:09:36,999
That's cool. We were married in mine.
213
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,668
And we had a little dog, like a poodle.
214
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,041
Guys, stop it. She's my bartender.
215
00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:42,808
I don't care who she is,
I'll fight you for her right now, okay?
216
00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:46,482
I just want to swoop her up on a horse
and ride off into the sunset.
217
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:47,846
And just have a bunch of babies,
218
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,889
caramel- colored babies that scurry around.
219
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:54,688
The kind of kids that look like
Halle Berry fucked a bar of gold.
220
00:09:55,127 --> 00:09:57,061
What does that... I don't even know...
What does that mean?
221
00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:59,620
- A what?
- I don't know. Who cares?
222
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,131
I'm sorry, were you talking about me?
223
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:08,266
- Yes, no.
- Paul, I love gold bars.
224
00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:15,144
He fucked her in the Goldbar!
225
00:10:15,314 --> 00:10:16,303
You were right, Mike.
226
00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:18,850
Vanessa, I told you.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
227
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,576
Well, you're the best. Seriously.
Thank you.
228
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:22,848
You're my hero.
229
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:28,087
- "My hero"?
- What are you, a fireman?
230
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,185
"My hero"? Unbelievable!
231
00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:33,231
I can't get the one woman I love
to love me back,
232
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,290
and this guy's
the goddamn Pied Piper of pussy.
233
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:37,097
- It's incredible.
- It's a blessing and a curse.
234
00:10:37,169 --> 00:10:40,332
You're like a real cocksmith! No,
fuck you with the blessing and the curse.
235
00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:43,864
Fuck your hair. Fuck your blue eyes.
And fuck your fucking jawline.
236
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:45,274
Guys, I'm just as God made me.
237
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,936
- Yeah, well...
- Punch him in the face for that.
238
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:49,914
Yeah, I'm gonna fucking twist your nose up
and fuck your whole program up.
239
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:52,642
What's this? I asked for a dog!
240
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:56,484
Now, see, Married Saturday is the
complete opposite of Single Saturday.
241
00:10:56,555 --> 00:10:59,183
Mine comes with a 26 year
old stripper turned folk singer,
242
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:02,193
and theirs comes with kids, neighbors
and the pressure to make small talk.
243
00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:03,956
I asked for a lightning bolt!
244
00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:05,762
Why don't you go cry to your mama?
245
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:07,958
Fuck you. I don't have one.
246
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,595
- Hey.
- Hi.
247
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:12,695
It's going good, Sweets.
248
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:14,535
- It's good, isn't it? You forgot something!
- Yeah.
249
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,074
- What?
- Film the party.
250
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:18,235
- Okay. I will film it.
- He's gonna film it.
251
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:20,073
- I will do that.
- I'll supervise.
252
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,376
- Okay, Paul.
- There it is. Two- fisted, baby.
253
00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:24,006
Getting something for your wife.
254
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:25,380
- Good stuff. Oh, look!
- Okay.
255
00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:28,147
My wife, Liz, is giving me
the international sign to mingle.
256
00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:31,087
- So we better mingle. Okay. There it is.
- Yeah. Yep.
257
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:33,990
All right, this is what 40 looks like,
ladies and gentlemen.
258
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:38,258
Face paint. Liquor out of a plastic cup
and couples therapy.
259
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:41,163
Yeah, and grown men making sandwiches
while their wives work out.
260
00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:43,224
I'm telling you,
Lianne only works out that much
261
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,202
so when I die she looks good single.
262
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:46,636
She's getting into funeral shape.
263
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,571
Let me explain something to you, my friend,
and listen to me.
264
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,166
We sell this company,
and you can buy yourself your own gym
265
00:11:51,243 --> 00:11:53,370
and you can hire Lianne as
your personal trainer.
266
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:56,176
I hope. I hope.
Oh, my goodness, look at Danny.
267
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:59,243
All right, everybody take note.
268
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,653
I'm going to break open the neck area,
269
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,280
get things rolling around here.
270
00:12:04,957 --> 00:12:06,982
Jesus, he's not in a good way.
271
00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:09,391
The divorce has pushed him over the edge.
Look at this guy!
272
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:11,453
Hey, Marty, Paul, get over here.
Help me out.
273
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,656
- All right, Danny.
- Okay.
274
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:14,995
He's got a piata?
275
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,797
Come on, each of you grab an end.
Let's go. Let's go.
276
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:19,804
Maybe let's let the kids
start off with the first hit.
277
00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:20,861
- What do you think?
- Yeah.
278
00:12:21,173 --> 00:12:23,198
Why don't you go back to
making sandwiches, Marty?
279
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,436
- Everybody knows.
- Knows what?
280
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:27,274
I don't mind making sandwiches.
281
00:12:27,346 --> 00:12:30,315
Yeah, and I don't mind listening to
Barry Manilow and blowing dudes.
282
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:31,940
Dude, just watch your language,
please, with the kids.
283
00:12:32,017 --> 00:12:33,348
- Fuck that!
- Jesus.
284
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,649
Man up! Both of you!
285
00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:37,313
Shit, man, I like Barry Manilow.
286
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:39,357
He's cool,
and he's got the best hair in the business.
287
00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:41,153
You sure you don't want to
let the kids take a crack?
288
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:44,253
- You're going to obliterate this thing?
- Yeah. I'm pretty sure.
289
00:12:44,396 --> 00:12:47,854
Now listen up, my ex- wife made this thing.
290
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,423
She's half Mexican.
291
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,629
This little donkey is made of concrete.
292
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:54,704
These little drunk midgets
couldn't knock the balls off this thing.
293
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:58,606
So here we go. Raise it up!
294
00:12:58,677 --> 00:12:59,666
- All right.
- All right.
295
00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:01,810
Where are you going to hit?
296
00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:05,339
- Would you just... Just stop talking, man!
- All right, okay.
297
00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:07,141
Cover your eyes, kids.
298
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:11,616
Go, Danny, please. Be careful.
299
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:17,459
Come on! Do it!
300
00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,160
Man, I can't do it.
301
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:23,061
- What?
- The thing is staring at me, man.
302
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:24,625
- What?
- Look at this thing.
303
00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:27,236
It's some kind of...
304
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:29,866
These beautiful little eyes and its tail.
305
00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:31,910
She put so much detail into it, you know?
306
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:35,006
All right, you gotta get
a soda or something.
307
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,571
Take the bat, Marty. Give the bat to Marty.
308
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:39,649
Give me the bat, Danny.
309
00:13:39,718 --> 00:13:42,881
- There you go. - Come on, kids!
It is time for a talent show!
310
00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:44,889
- Let's go inside for the talent show.
- Talent show!
311
00:13:44,957 --> 00:13:48,449
Who wants to sing?
Alex, I bet you have a song!
312
00:13:48,794 --> 00:13:51,058
How ‘bout this one? My dad loves it.
313
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:54,795
I told this bitch I was one...
314
00:13:57,269 --> 00:14:02,104
Talent show! This way. Come on, kids!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
315
00:14:05,711 --> 00:14:08,373
Okay. Australians‘ lawyer.
Hold my drink. Say a prayer.
316
00:14:08,447 --> 00:14:10,210
- Be good. Be good.
- Hello?
317
00:14:10,816 --> 00:14:12,909
Yes. How are you?
318
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,679
That sounds great. That's great news.
319
00:14:18,757 --> 00:14:21,624
We will not be late.
320
00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:24,796
Okay. Same to you.
321
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:28,163
Friday. Yes, sir. Bye.
322
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:30,065
- Meeting?
- "Meeting"?
323
00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:31,830
Well, don't get too
excited, but guess what?
324
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:33,997
The Australians took a good hard look
at our numbers,
325
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:35,768
they want to meet with us on Friday.
Are you free then?
326
00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:38,537
Yes, I'm free. I'm really free.
Good, good, good, good.
327
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,205
- Don't get excited. Just stay calm.
- Okay.
328
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,406
Marty!
329
00:14:42,681 --> 00:14:44,273
Getting some good footage?
330
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:47,211
Yes. Yes. I'm videotaping everything.
331
00:14:47,686 --> 00:14:49,654
Good news for Marty Martin and Paul Gold,
332
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,919
digital marketing pioneers
and co- founders of Goldbam.
333
00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:56,358
Rumor has it
Australian ad tech giant Ignition One
334
00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:59,056
is looking to purchase Goldbam
for an undisclosed sum.
335
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:02,492
You may remember Goldbam as
the brains behind the marketing campaigns
336
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:05,002
for both AmeriMerchant and Netmining,
337
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:08,938
two companies that became industry
behemoths after Goldbam got involved.
338
00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:11,374
Martin and Gold, real power players.
339
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,672
- Look at my girls! Good morning!
- Perfect. Hello.
340
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,649
Don't bother waiting up.
I got a meeting with the Australians
341
00:15:18,717 --> 00:15:20,014
and I got drinks with the boys.
342
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,952
Tonight is parent- teacher
conferences, Paul. Remember?
343
00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:24,513
- Tonight?
- Tonight.
344
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:25,579
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
345
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,091
Yeah. "Parent."
346
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:29,457
"Parents," I think that's too overwhelming.
347
00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:32,053
I think the two of us as a team
put out too much power
348
00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:34,099
and change the whole situation in the room.
349
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:36,031
Besides, I happen to know for a fact that
350
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:38,626
my daughter is dominating the third grade.
351
00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:41,172
- Fourth grade.
- She's in fourth grade.
352
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:44,336
- Fourth grade.
- Yeah. I know.
353
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:48,011
But you know,
I like to keep her younger in my head
354
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,140
because she will always be my baby.
355
00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:53,644
And I love you. Bye.
356
00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:56,017
Next week, piano recital.
Please don't forget.
357
00:15:56,088 --> 00:15:58,283
Piano. Yeah, duh. Practice.
358
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:07,391
Hey-
359
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:11,425
Wow, girls must love coming here.
They get laid and a free shirt.
360
00:16:11,503 --> 00:16:13,334
- She's got something.
- Yeah, your wardrobe.
361
00:16:13,405 --> 00:16:14,429
Funny.
362
00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:16,201
Here are the keys.
Did you get the beverage numbers?
363
00:16:16,275 --> 00:16:17,264
- Yeah, you're all good.
- Good.
364
00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:20,904
20- somethings leaving your place
with your clothes during the day?
365
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,038
You need a girlfriend.
366
00:16:22,114 --> 00:16:24,605
- A girlfriend's the last thing I need.
- If you say so.
367
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,417
Okay, now, less is more, right?
Less is more.
368
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,422
- Don't be frenetic, don't over- explain.
- Okay.
369
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,754
Stay focused.
They know exactly what we're about.
370
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,555
- We got this.
- I feel good. Are you sure?
371
00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:37,925
Are you positive? ‘Cause
these Australians are a different breed.
372
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,521
They're into a different
kind of animal here.
373
00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:41,065
Hey, I don't care what they're into.
374
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:42,794
- You trust me on this, all right?
- Okay.
375
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:45,302
What is Parchment doing here?
Why are they here?
376
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:48,431
I mean, the Australians can't be buying out
two companies. What are they doing here?
377
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:49,997
I don't know. It doesn't matter.
378
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:51,940
- Let's go do this. We're better than them.
- Okay.
379
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,502
- Okay. I'm ready.
- Button your jacket. Button your jacket.
380
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,707
We're more prepared, and we're better.
381
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,272
What time is it? It's game time!
382
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,840
Parchment showing up, kiss my ass.
383
00:17:01,653 --> 00:17:04,645
I don't think
they have the capacity to improve.
384
00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:05,917
They've maxed it out.
385
00:17:05,991 --> 00:17:07,083
I swear, I look at Paul,
386
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:09,491
and sometimes
I love him like the day we were married
387
00:17:09,561 --> 00:17:12,496
and other times
I have the exact opposite thought.
388
00:17:12,564 --> 00:17:14,555
- I know.
- What can you do?
389
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:18,098
Lower your expectations,
more daytime drinking.
390
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:20,400
Mid- week masturbation,
do it on a Wednesday.
391
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:22,804
- It takes you through to Friday.
- Really?
392
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,105
I hit Paul with AmEx sex the other night.
393
00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:27,975
AmEx sex? What is that?
394
00:17:28,447 --> 00:17:30,074
Is that where you hang off the bed
395
00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:32,208
and blood rushes to your head
and he chokes you a little bit,
396
00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:34,218
- and right before you pass out...
- No!
397
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:37,915
- It isn't?
- When the AmEx bill comes, I hide it.
398
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,356
Blow him till his eyes
roll back in his head.
399
00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:43,623
The next day he's so happy,
he doesn't even bring up the charges.
400
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:45,287
Does that make me a bad person?
401
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:48,060
No. That makes you a goddamn magician.
402
00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:51,899
See, loud music and women are
a married man's kryptonite.
403
00:17:51,970 --> 00:17:53,835
They just, they don't have the
skill set to deal with it.
404
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,773
Married men in a club
are like six- year- olds in a toy store,
405
00:17:56,842 --> 00:17:58,673
and they can't focus,
they just want to touch everything.
406
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:04,240
All right guys, hey... I love you guys.
407
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:06,580
- I love that.
- Here it is, huh?
408
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:09,246
Hey ladies, do you want to join us
for some good, clean fun?
409
00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:11,312
What do you mean, ''clean fun"?
Who are you, Mister Rogers?
410
00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:13,051
Girls don't want clean fun.
411
00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:15,525
Half these girls in this place
are going to walk home barefoot tonight.
412
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:18,256
They want it dirty.
They like it edgy. Not clean.
413
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:19,319
okay...
414
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:21,628
Hey, listen, I gotta go talk to this DJ.
415
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:24,191
I can't stand this music.
It's making me loopy, you know.
416
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,794
- I'm gonna go talk to this guy.
- You're loopy!
417
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:29,864
Hey, you know what's awesome, man?
Just... Hey!
418
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:33,569
Yeah, there it is. All
right, do your thing.
419
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,077
Do your thing.
420
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,775
- What's up, bro?
- Hey, what's going on, dude- bro?
421
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:43,253
Listen, I don't get this techno- trance,
glow stick shit, man.
422
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:45,882
I don't like this music, man.
423
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,823
I'm a techno DJ, bro, it's what I do.
424
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:49,554
You got some old school hip hop?
425
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:52,654
You know,
maybe play some De La Soul, Run DMC,
426
00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:54,722
maybe some Special Ed?
What do you think?
427
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:55,789
Who?
428
00:18:56,401 --> 00:18:58,665
Hey, you should be ashamed of yourself,
you ain't no DJ, man!
429
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:01,205
I used to DJ bar mitzvahs in Long Island.
430
00:19:01,273 --> 00:19:03,173
Old vinyl. Made a lot of money, man.
431
00:19:03,242 --> 00:19:04,766
Come on, play some hip hop.
432
00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:07,471
Bro, I've been doing this for 16 months!
433
00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:09,275
I take shits longer than that.
434
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:12,745
Come on, this is... This
is shit music, man.
435
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:15,548
You know what I'm saying?
Can I get some of this?
436
00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:17,714
That's my...
437
00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:20,053
Yeah! This music
makes me fucking nuts, man.
438
00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:21,820
It'll make you jump off a building
439
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,623
and think you like it,
you know what I'm saying?
440
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:26,192
Come on, man.
Play some better music, man!
441
00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:28,563
Everybody's freaking out here, man.
442
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,865
- Listen, I'm gonna finish this
off, okay, bro? - That's mine.
443
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:35,065
Nah, let me finish it, man.
It makes me feel good.
444
00:19:36,074 --> 00:19:39,066
I'll see you later, man.
High five! High five!
445
00:19:39,144 --> 00:19:40,270
Fist bump!
446
00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:52,613
Hey, listen, if they don't kill this noise,
I want to go home.
447
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:54,352
You better be careful with that stuff, man.
448
00:19:54,426 --> 00:19:56,894
- You're gonna be fucked for ten hours.
- No, it says seven.
449
00:19:56,962 --> 00:19:59,021
I don't care if it says one.
You have a married system.
450
00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:00,496
You're weak and sensitive.
451
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:01,931
Come on, man, let's go see some tits.
452
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,991
You can't drop me in a club
and think I'm going to be okay.
453
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:05,263
I don't think that's a good idea.
454
00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:08,238
I wanna go home.
I feel like I might catch Hep C in here.
455
00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:10,070
- Let's get out of here, all right?
- Let's go. Let's go.
456
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:11,439
- Let's go.
- Go ahead. Go ahead.
457
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:15,310
You know, something crazy happens
in a cab in New York late at night.
458
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,314
I mean, your intentions are to go here,
459
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:20,317
but sometimes
you always end up going there.
460
00:20:31,096 --> 00:20:32,961
- Look at this!
- Be cool, be cool.
461
00:20:33,031 --> 00:20:34,828
- This is awesome!
- This is what I need!
462
00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:37,929
How are you? How you doing?
463
00:20:38,003 --> 00:20:39,595
- Marty Martin.
- All right, easy.
464
00:20:39,671 --> 00:20:42,435
Wow, look at her... She's great.
Look at that.
465
00:20:42,507 --> 00:20:44,873
That's like... Is that bionic?
466
00:20:45,777 --> 00:20:47,267
That's like some Black Swan shit.
467
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:48,870
- She must be classically trained!
- So beautiful.
468
00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:50,141
- Hi.
- Amber, hey.
469
00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:51,807
Who are these handsome men
you brought with you?
470
00:20:51,883 --> 00:20:53,350
- This is Marty and Paul.
- How you doing?
471
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:56,410
Get a picture...
Give her your camera. Give her your phone.
472
00:20:56,488 --> 00:20:57,682
- Sure.
- Get a picture of us.
473
00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:59,223
Come on, guys,
I never get you out of the house.
474
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:00,315
Let's get a nice picture.
475
00:21:00,392 --> 00:21:01,689
Is that the fucking Parchment guys?
476
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,058
- Guys, smile for the camera.
- Yeah, it is the Parchment guys.
477
00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:06,097
- With the Australians?
- Guys, smile!
478
00:21:06,164 --> 00:21:08,359
No, those are the fucking guys
we just had the presentation with!
479
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,695
Yeah, it is.
480
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:12,066
- How you doing? Marty Martin.
- Did you get it?
481
00:21:12,137 --> 00:21:13,263
- Here you go.
- All right, good.
482
00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:15,169
I think I just put it
back to the main screen.
483
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,208
- No problem.
- I'm Paul.
484
00:21:17,976 --> 00:21:20,843
No, I leave Marty to his online porn.
485
00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:23,073
If you want to watch two midgets
fuck an Asian clown,
486
00:21:23,148 --> 00:21:24,308
go ahead, be my guest.
487
00:21:24,383 --> 00:21:25,873
Is that a real fetish?
488
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:28,181
- Honey, that's nothing.
- Oh, my God!
489
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:36,319
I swear to God, I'm going to blow
my landscaper and record the whole thing.
490
00:21:36,395 --> 00:21:38,625
Look at this idiot,
he looks like a giant fish out of water.
491
00:21:38,697 --> 00:21:40,597
It looks like they don't even know
where the camera is.
492
00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:43,294
Some business meeting!
Okay, Marty, you know what?
493
00:21:43,368 --> 00:21:44,494
I'm gonna go down there,
494
00:21:44,569 --> 00:21:46,662
and I'm gonna let the crowd
bounce quarters off my ass!
495
00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:51,368
No shit! I can only
imagine the jumbled nonsensical bullshit
496
00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:53,240
that is coming out of that mouth right now.
497
00:21:53,745 --> 00:21:56,373
Branding basically
got its name from cattle branding,
498
00:21:56,448 --> 00:21:57,437
a lot of people don't know that.
499
00:21:57,516 --> 00:21:59,507
There's a misconception that
there's only one kind of branding,
500
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:02,212
like name branding
or psychological branding...
501
00:22:02,287 --> 00:22:04,187
What's with all the talking?
502
00:22:04,756 --> 00:22:06,849
Do my boobs feel real?
503
00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:11,528
They... 100%.
I could brand the shit outta these.
504
00:22:11,596 --> 00:22:14,394
These things should have
their own TV show! That's...
505
00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:21,529
Order me a flank steak!
506
00:22:22,941 --> 00:22:25,466
All right, now, tell me again,
when does your ex get paroled?
507
00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:30,504
Yeah, make it rain! Look at that!
508
00:22:30,582 --> 00:22:32,914
You see that? Look at that.
509
00:22:32,984 --> 00:22:36,044
Was that $20? If that was $20
can I have that back, darling?
510
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:39,324
Can you give me that back?
Please, can I have that... Fuck!
511
00:22:39,391 --> 00:22:42,827
Look at you guys. The boys from
Criminal Island are back again.
512
00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:44,088
You know, I don't like you guys.
513
00:22:44,162 --> 00:22:46,357
You guys come in here with
your tough- guy attitudes
514
00:22:46,431 --> 00:22:48,626
and your beer bellies. Fuck that shit!
515
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:49,689
What is wrong with you?
516
00:22:49,901 --> 00:22:51,664
What are you talking about?
Calm down, mate.
517
00:22:51,737 --> 00:22:53,671
Fuck you, mate! Okay?
518
00:22:53,739 --> 00:22:58,176
This isn't some rugby field with kangaroos
and broad- shouldered women.
519
00:22:58,243 --> 00:22:59,870
This is the United States of America.
520
00:23:00,178 --> 00:23:03,511
And for the record, rugby is not
tougher than American football.
521
00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:06,181
Okay, you guys don't wear pads
because you don't need em!
522
00:23:06,251 --> 00:23:10,051
You ever heard of Lawrence Taylor?
Mark Gastineau? Dick Butkus?
523
00:23:10,122 --> 00:23:12,522
Mean Joe Greene will fuck you up!
I'll jump over you, okay?
524
00:23:12,591 --> 00:23:14,923
I don't play that shit,
I'll give you a forearm shiver!
525
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,827
Is that coconut shrimp?
526
00:23:17,329 --> 00:23:19,456
- Yeah.
- Hey! Fuck ears!
527
00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:21,692
- Hey!
- What is your problem here?
528
00:23:21,967 --> 00:23:23,229
Fuck you, hooker lover!
529
00:23:23,668 --> 00:23:26,000
I'm trying to make...
Look at this beautiful lady,
530
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:28,562
and you're fucking the whole shit up!
What is wrong with you?
531
00:23:28,874 --> 00:23:30,171
Kiss my ass, easy rider!
532
00:23:30,375 --> 00:23:32,900
And kiss my ass, too,
you fake Keanu Reeves!
533
00:23:32,978 --> 00:23:34,878
Take that howdy- doodie fucking hair
534
00:23:34,946 --> 00:23:37,005
and get back over there with
the two Stooges!
535
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:40,312
- You fuck- ass! Beat it!
- Fuck you, mutton chops!
536
00:23:40,552 --> 00:23:42,383
Whispers in the marketing world are saying
537
00:23:42,454 --> 00:23:45,855
the sale of Goldbam to IgnitionOne
may be in jeopardy.
538
00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:47,653
Reports from the grapevine suggest
539
00:23:47,726 --> 00:23:50,889
Parchment Branding is now in talks
with IgnitionOne.
540
00:23:50,962 --> 00:23:52,589
This is getting very interesting.
541
00:23:52,664 --> 00:23:54,825
Who knows what could have provoked
the change of heart?
542
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:57,425
- What are you doing over there?
- Revenge shopping.
543
00:23:57,502 --> 00:23:59,595
- What's your shoe size?
- Six and a half.
544
00:24:00,071 --> 00:24:01,868
I just added a pair for you.
545
00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:04,465
Lianne, meet six- inch,
burnt- persimmon pumps!
546
00:24:05,043 --> 00:24:06,943
Remind me to send this guy
a case of Brut for Christmas.
547
00:24:07,012 --> 00:24:09,207
Let me just adjust here, hold on.
548
00:24:12,050 --> 00:24:14,280
Oh, put my... There we go.
549
00:24:14,352 --> 00:24:15,751
I think you're being a
little hard on the guy.
550
00:24:15,821 --> 00:24:18,483
A biker gang really
is just another form of family,
551
00:24:18,557 --> 00:24:19,546
when you stop and think about it.
552
00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:28,024
Look, it's jackass number one.
553
00:24:28,366 --> 00:24:32,132
I cannot wait to hear this.
Please put him on speaker.
554
00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:35,803
I think theater classes are
an amazing idea for you.
555
00:24:35,874 --> 00:24:36,966
You see, you're so flexible,
556
00:24:37,175 --> 00:24:41,373
and you're so strong, you can play like
a Latin female superhero or something.
557
00:24:41,446 --> 00:24:44,540
And, you know, got a gravelly,
very unique quality to your voice,
558
00:24:44,616 --> 00:24:47,244
like a soda in your voice,
you could do voice- overs easily!
559
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:48,479
That's so crazy you said that.
560
00:24:49,554 --> 00:24:54,321
Theater classes? I didn't realize
I was fucking Stanislavsky.
561
00:24:54,392 --> 00:24:57,190
I wish Stanislavsky were still alive
so I could fuck him.
562
00:24:57,262 --> 00:24:59,492
And Shakespeare. Tag- team them.
563
00:24:59,931 --> 00:25:02,024
I bet they were good listeners.
564
00:25:02,367 --> 00:25:05,029
To fuck, or not to fuck,
that's the real question.
565
00:25:05,904 --> 00:25:08,372
That was epic. I gotta thank you.
566
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:12,241
- What's the damage?
- $1,500.
567
00:25:13,144 --> 00:25:14,771
$1,500.
568
00:25:15,380 --> 00:25:18,838
Every song I have to charge you.
Even if we're just talking.
569
00:25:18,917 --> 00:25:22,182
I didn't break all the windows.
What do you mean, $1,500?
570
00:25:23,054 --> 00:25:25,887
"$1,500"?
571
00:25:27,125 --> 00:25:29,252
Good for her.
572
00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:31,591
I am so in the wrong business.
573
00:25:31,663 --> 00:25:34,131
I need to put this body to some real use.
574
00:25:34,199 --> 00:25:36,360
Amen, forget curling up
on the couch reading,
575
00:25:36,434 --> 00:25:39,301
I should get these legs
in the streets, earning.
576
00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:42,340
You should.
You have some really good legs.
577
00:25:42,407 --> 00:25:44,739
- You have good legs!
- Thank you.
578
00:25:45,944 --> 00:25:48,310
Don't be so testy! I gave you my real name.
579
00:25:49,681 --> 00:25:51,171
Well, I need an ATM.
580
00:25:51,883 --> 00:25:53,612
You know, this one is on me tonight.
581
00:25:54,586 --> 00:25:56,747
Nobody's ever nailed my relationship
the way you just did.
582
00:25:56,821 --> 00:25:59,984
Well, girls love bad boys.
I mean, I went through my phase.
583
00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:02,390
- You did? When?
- Seventh grade.
584
00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:07,464
Send that picture back to them.
585
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:11,900
I said some crazy shit to the Aussies.
586
00:26:11,970 --> 00:26:15,030
- Could this night get any worse!
- Shit!
587
00:26:15,106 --> 00:26:17,404
- I said some crazy shit!
- Let's go.
588
00:26:17,475 --> 00:26:19,204
What the fuck is this?
589
00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:22,604
What... What is this?
What the fuck is this?
590
00:26:22,681 --> 00:26:26,139
- How did they get that?
- This is gonna cost me a fortune.
591
00:26:26,217 --> 00:26:28,651
Lianne's gonna fuck the landscaper.
592
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,051
You guys are gonna need my help.
593
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:33,520
I let my boys take a
picture in a strip club.
594
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,617
What the hell was I thinking?
595
00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:38,292
All right, the reentry.
The most important part, all right?
596
00:26:38,363 --> 00:26:40,627
And don't let her walk all over you.
Go in there and be a man.
597
00:26:40,699 --> 00:26:43,224
Take care of your business, okay?
Go get her.
598
00:26:46,204 --> 00:26:47,432
Balls!
599
00:26:54,746 --> 00:26:55,735
Hi, Liz.
600
00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:58,009
- Do you have something to say?
- I do.
601
00:26:58,083 --> 00:26:59,072
Then say it.
602
00:27:00,318 --> 00:27:03,549
Honey, I am way more popular
in the city than I am here.
603
00:27:03,622 --> 00:27:04,611
Excuse me?
604
00:27:04,689 --> 00:27:06,054
Honey, I love you very much,
605
00:27:06,124 --> 00:27:09,821
but having hot girls
come up to my table at Sapphire
606
00:27:09,894 --> 00:27:13,193
and telling me that
I'm the man is an amazing feeling.
607
00:27:13,264 --> 00:27:15,732
And it's something
I don't get here at the house
608
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,667
but it is something I'd like more of.
609
00:27:18,737 --> 00:27:22,002
Maybe even as much as once a month,
if that's negotiable with you.
610
00:27:22,207 --> 00:27:24,141
Are you crazy?
You don't even know these people.
611
00:27:24,209 --> 00:27:27,269
That may be true, but I had one girl
tell me that she really likes me
612
00:27:27,345 --> 00:27:30,337
and then I had another girl tell me that
I have a dynamic personality.
613
00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:32,042
Those were her words, not mine.
614
00:27:33,284 --> 00:27:35,718
I had a really special night!
615
00:27:35,787 --> 00:27:37,311
You had a special night?
616
00:27:37,389 --> 00:27:38,617
Last night was a special night?
617
00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:40,851
Paul, our wedding night
was a special night!
618
00:27:40,992 --> 00:27:43,085
This blew it away, believe it or not.
619
00:27:43,728 --> 00:27:44,820
Wow!
620
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,557
Wow! Paul, what is going on with you?
621
00:27:48,633 --> 00:27:51,033
I don't know, but check it out,
do you know that I can dance?
622
00:27:51,636 --> 00:27:53,467
- No.
- Neither did I.
623
00:27:53,705 --> 00:27:56,299
I was like John Travolta in his heyday,
you should have seen it.
624
00:27:56,374 --> 00:27:58,205
I'm doing that... I'm doing high kicks!
625
00:27:58,276 --> 00:28:00,210
I didn't know
my hamstrings were that flexible.
626
00:28:00,278 --> 00:28:02,007
Oh, my God, I completely forgot.
627
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:05,277
So, looking for a nanny, are you?
Guess what, found one!
628
00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:06,977
- Paul...
- I know.
629
00:28:07,052 --> 00:28:10,783
I met this fantastic cocktail waitress
at Sapphire,
630
00:28:10,855 --> 00:28:13,551
her name is CCadillac with two "C's",
which I think is awesome.
631
00:28:13,625 --> 00:28:15,650
- I will never forgive you.
- You should.
632
00:28:15,727 --> 00:28:19,891
And I'll tell you why. Because I love you,
and I was just having good, clean fun.
633
00:28:20,365 --> 00:28:21,832
- You love me?
- Yes.
634
00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:23,060
You love me?
635
00:28:23,134 --> 00:28:25,932
- Well love this!
- Okay...
636
00:28:27,272 --> 00:28:29,103
Yeah, well, of course that didn't happen,
637
00:28:29,174 --> 00:28:32,405
but 38% of the time
a wife will go easy on the husband
638
00:28:32,477 --> 00:28:33,944
if his friend is there upon reentry.
639
00:28:34,813 --> 00:28:37,475
The reentry, very important. Okay?
640
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:41,110
So just go in, be humble,
be loving, listen.
641
00:28:41,186 --> 00:28:42,847
Technically I did nothing wrong...
642
00:28:42,921 --> 00:28:44,980
You fucked up a little bit, all right?
So be apologetic.
643
00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:46,216
And you know what, I won't say a word.
644
00:28:46,357 --> 00:28:47,824
Hey, Liz?
645
00:28:48,927 --> 00:28:50,121
Liz?
646
00:28:50,195 --> 00:28:52,663
I know there is be a really good reason
I had to look at that photo shoot
647
00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:55,029
and the fact that you are coming home
when the sun is coming up.
648
00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:59,036
And that conversation that I had to
listen to between you and the stripper?
649
00:28:59,104 --> 00:29:00,628
Oh. my God!
650
00:29:00,705 --> 00:29:03,196
Well, let me start by saying
the whole thing was my fault, sis.
651
00:29:03,308 --> 00:29:05,401
This has nothing to do with you, Mike.
Please go.
652
00:29:05,477 --> 00:29:07,001
But before I leave, may I just say this.
653
00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:10,912
I have noticed a vast improvement in Paul
as a human being,
654
00:29:10,982 --> 00:29:12,973
and the dancer, by the way,
she was a friend of my...
655
00:29:13,051 --> 00:29:14,075
I will kill you.
656
00:29:14,486 --> 00:29:16,818
Okay, I'll go. I love you. Goodbye.
657
00:29:16,888 --> 00:29:19,482
- And on a closing note...
- Mike! Out!
658
00:29:19,657 --> 00:29:21,386
- You're on your own.
- Okay. She was a friend.
659
00:29:21,459 --> 00:29:22,448
You!
660
00:29:22,527 --> 00:29:25,223
I can't believe that
I didn't fuck the concierge in Cabo.
661
00:29:25,296 --> 00:29:28,094
We were on the trip together.
Why is that something you can't believe?
662
00:29:28,166 --> 00:29:29,997
I could be four pool boys deep by now.
663
00:29:30,068 --> 00:29:32,400
Is that a goal?
Is that something you really wanna do?
664
00:29:32,470 --> 00:29:34,529
Because that kind of behavior
can work against you.
665
00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:36,767
I can't get you to take
a picture with friends,
666
00:29:36,841 --> 00:29:38,900
and then these hookers say "Cheese!"
and you jump.
667
00:29:38,977 --> 00:29:40,410
I don't think they're actually hookers.
668
00:29:40,478 --> 00:29:43,504
I think they're professional dancers
who are struggling for work.
669
00:29:43,581 --> 00:29:45,242
You know,
there's a financial crisis going on.
670
00:29:45,316 --> 00:29:47,216
People will do whatever they can
to get work these days.
671
00:29:47,285 --> 00:29:50,254
Fine, Marty. Maybe I'll
give dancing a shot.
672
00:29:50,321 --> 00:29:52,915
Wake up. Join the party.
It is not that difficult.
673
00:29:52,991 --> 00:29:54,652
Hey, great face, by the way.
674
00:29:54,726 --> 00:29:56,921
Were you having a heart attack
or an orgasm? I couldn't tell.
675
00:29:57,328 --> 00:30:00,525
Can I at least have my jersey back?
You have three of my shirts!
676
00:30:00,598 --> 00:30:02,862
You have my button- down,
you have my Henley...
677
00:30:02,934 --> 00:30:05,300
No. You're not returning,
that's called stealing.
678
00:30:05,370 --> 00:30:07,270
If you don't return... Hello?
679
00:30:07,605 --> 00:30:08,833
Damn it!
680
00:30:09,574 --> 00:30:11,007
All right, guys, let's get to this!
681
00:30:11,075 --> 00:30:13,805
I feel responsible.
I got my sister breathing down my neck,
682
00:30:13,878 --> 00:30:15,368
I got a bar to run, what have we got?
683
00:30:15,446 --> 00:30:17,812
Guys, I heard all about what's going on.
684
00:30:17,882 --> 00:30:19,611
We are gonna work this out.
685
00:30:19,684 --> 00:30:22,881
You know, I have yet to meet anyone
who ignores customers more than this one.
686
00:30:22,954 --> 00:30:25,354
We are all on the same team here.
687
00:30:25,423 --> 00:30:27,721
If you need me, I'll be three feet away.
688
00:30:27,792 --> 00:30:28,850
- Thank you.
- All right, give it to me.
689
00:30:28,927 --> 00:30:31,521
- Give it to me. What have you got?
- It's not good. I don't feel good.
690
00:30:31,596 --> 00:30:32,961
My panic attacks are coming back.
691
00:30:33,031 --> 00:30:35,625
I'm starting to taste metal,
and I have a sebaceous cyst
692
00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:36,689
growing in the back of my head.
693
00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:39,931
And my wife is threatening
to fuck every pool boy we ever hired.
694
00:30:40,004 --> 00:30:41,198
Lianne is not going to fuck the pool boy.
695
00:30:41,272 --> 00:30:43,740
Have you seen my guy?
He basically said "Fuck shirts."
696
00:30:46,244 --> 00:30:47,734
He is a good- looking, muscular guy.
697
00:30:47,812 --> 00:30:50,212
He looks like
one of those Telemundo soap stars.
698
00:30:50,281 --> 00:30:51,908
I don't know why you hire guys like that.
699
00:30:51,983 --> 00:30:53,575
- I'm not saying that...
- Guys, stop.
700
00:30:54,118 --> 00:30:55,745
What are the top complaints
from your wives?
701
00:30:56,921 --> 00:30:58,616
- You know...
- Top five or top 10?
702
00:30:58,690 --> 00:31:00,487
- I don't even know where to start.
- Start with one.
703
00:31:00,558 --> 00:31:02,025
What does she not like? What does she say?
704
00:31:02,093 --> 00:31:03,754
- She says I smell like...
- Like me. She doesn't like me.
705
00:31:03,828 --> 00:31:05,693
She says I smell like mushrooms sometimes.
706
00:31:10,735 --> 00:31:13,465
All right, guys, I know I fucked up,
but I'm gonna make this right. Okay?
707
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:15,267
I got the fix. You listening?
708
00:31:15,340 --> 00:31:16,329
- Yeah.
- Here's what I'm gonna do.
709
00:31:16,507 --> 00:31:19,032
I'm gonna take things
I've learned in my single life
710
00:31:19,110 --> 00:31:21,010
and help you apply them
to your married life.
711
00:31:21,079 --> 00:31:22,944
Yeah, but how long is something like this
gonna take?
712
00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:24,405
I don't know, a week?
713
00:31:24,816 --> 00:31:27,114
No, no, Lianne's gonna be married to
Jose Jr. by then.
714
00:31:27,185 --> 00:31:30,177
She's gonna have a whole Mexican family
with little kids wearing sombreros,
715
00:31:30,255 --> 00:31:32,189
doing the cha- cha- cha,
eating guacamole dip.
716
00:31:32,257 --> 00:31:33,451
- Marty!
- What?
717
00:31:33,524 --> 00:31:36,516
How are you going to take
what you learned in your single life
718
00:31:36,594 --> 00:31:39,654
and have us apply it to our married life?
719
00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:41,790
You have sex with beautiful strangers,
720
00:31:41,866 --> 00:31:44,562
and we make waffles at 7:00 a.m.
721
00:31:44,636 --> 00:31:48,072
Because everything I say,
everything I do when it comes to women
722
00:31:48,139 --> 00:31:50,835
is about connection. You understand?
723
00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:54,401
You, my boys, have lost your ability
to connect with your wives.
724
00:31:54,479 --> 00:31:56,071
You're right, you know,
I can't even connect the cable!
725
00:31:56,147 --> 00:31:57,136
I hate my life.
726
00:31:57,215 --> 00:31:58,910
Well, you won't hate yourself
after I'm done with you
727
00:31:58,983 --> 00:32:00,678
because I'm gonna bring back
everything you lost.
728
00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:01,776
- What, like my manhood?
- No!
729
00:32:01,853 --> 00:32:03,844
Like, like being spontaneous.
730
00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:05,856
Remember how spontaneous
you guys used to be?
731
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:07,892
You'd do special things for your wife,
732
00:32:07,959 --> 00:32:10,120
you'd show up at her work,
you'd give her little special calls,
733
00:32:10,194 --> 00:32:11,320
you'd leave little notes.
734
00:32:11,396 --> 00:32:13,125
- Shock and awe?
- Shock and awe!
735
00:32:13,197 --> 00:32:14,459
- Surprise them?
- Exactly.
736
00:32:14,532 --> 00:32:15,863
Surprise them with something.
737
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:18,801
- Caress your woman, caress your woman!
- Yeah.
738
00:32:19,203 --> 00:32:20,363
What are you doing?
739
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:22,766
I'm practicing my caress.
Don't be a baby about it.
740
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:24,831
Admire your wives. All right?
741
00:32:24,909 --> 00:32:26,900
And I don't just mean
admire them with your eyes,
742
00:32:26,978 --> 00:32:29,947
admire them with, with everything,
with your energy,
743
00:32:30,248 --> 00:32:32,011
your ability to listen to them.
744
00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:35,484
You know how much a girl gets turned on
if you're really listening to her?
745
00:32:35,553 --> 00:32:38,044
You gotta be part of your wife's life,
you know?
746
00:32:38,122 --> 00:32:41,023
You gotta be there. You have to...
You know, to put it very simply,
747
00:32:41,092 --> 00:32:42,184
you have to just show up.
748
00:32:42,660 --> 00:32:45,390
Show up? Show up where? Where we going,
the Copacabana? Where are we going?
749
00:32:45,663 --> 00:32:47,255
- Wherever she is.
- No.
750
00:32:47,332 --> 00:32:49,232
No, Lianne is like
a cracked- out humming bird.
751
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:50,927
It's exhausting just thinking about this.
752
00:32:51,002 --> 00:32:53,664
Now see, that's...
Remember how funny you used to be?
753
00:32:53,738 --> 00:32:56,229
Like that. That sense of humor?
Bring that into your relationship, man.
754
00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:58,775
Women love a guy with a sense of humor.
755
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:00,334
Funny gets you laid.
756
00:33:03,848 --> 00:33:06,180
Personality's coming back, guys.
It's coming back.
757
00:33:07,552 --> 00:33:11,010
Trust me, fellas, I got eight jokes
and a Honda Accord, I'm fucking everybody.
758
00:33:13,558 --> 00:33:15,492
That's right, fun is the new money.
759
00:33:15,693 --> 00:33:17,820
Right? We had so much fun
she forgot we didn't eat.
760
00:33:20,198 --> 00:33:22,462
She's just home, hungry and happy.
761
00:33:23,101 --> 00:33:25,092
I wish that was the case.
762
00:33:25,169 --> 00:33:27,034
But how do you make a relationship work?
Here's what I say.
763
00:33:27,105 --> 00:33:29,903
I say embrace the flaws, love the flaws.
764
00:33:30,742 --> 00:33:32,039
Right, just do it. You gotta be like,
765
00:33:32,110 --> 00:33:33,975
"Oh, babe, that's so cute
how you yelled at me
766
00:33:34,045 --> 00:33:35,273
"about shit that didn't happen. "
767
00:33:37,281 --> 00:33:39,841
That is so adorable
how you left the lights on eight times,
768
00:33:39,917 --> 00:33:41,009
and we haven't even left yet.
769
00:33:41,085 --> 00:33:42,677
Come here, I wanna hold you.
770
00:33:44,489 --> 00:33:45,513
Hey, hey-
771
00:33:45,590 --> 00:33:46,887
- Good show tonight.
- Thanks for coming.
772
00:33:47,158 --> 00:33:48,750
- That was good.
- Thank you.
773
00:33:48,826 --> 00:33:50,726
What, do you just
make this stuff up from real life?
774
00:33:50,962 --> 00:33:53,522
Yeah. I wish it wasn't real life.
That's all based on my ex.
775
00:33:53,731 --> 00:33:55,084
Bad in life, great in bed.
You know the type.
776
00:33:55,097 --> 00:33:56,461
Same with him.
777
00:33:56,734 --> 00:33:59,066
- Hey!
- Hey, Clarissa.
778
00:33:59,570 --> 00:34:00,901
- How are you?
- Good.
779
00:34:00,972 --> 00:34:02,132
I didn't know you were coming here tonight.
780
00:34:02,206 --> 00:34:04,766
You don't know my schedule.
You were hilarious tonight.
781
00:34:04,976 --> 00:34:06,375
What, you didn't think I was funny before?
782
00:34:06,544 --> 00:34:08,637
No. It's just that it's really good now.
783
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:12,380
Timing, the material, the whole thing.
It's just tight.
784
00:34:12,650 --> 00:34:14,208
It's tight. Things are getting tighter.
785
00:34:14,352 --> 00:34:16,616
- Very, very tight.
- It's getting tight.
786
00:34:16,921 --> 00:34:20,049
Tight acts. Things are tightening up.
It's getting tighter.
787
00:34:20,124 --> 00:34:21,352
Very, very, very tight.
788
00:34:21,426 --> 00:34:23,553
Look at this witty banter off stage.
789
00:34:23,628 --> 00:34:24,754
That's... He's funny.
790
00:34:24,829 --> 00:34:27,161
Fellas, I want to thank you,
I gotta get back to my wife.
791
00:34:27,498 --> 00:34:28,658
You are married now?
792
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:30,492
- Yeah. Five years.
- A long time.
793
00:34:30,568 --> 00:34:32,661
Five? Okay.
794
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:34,466
Because I slept with you three years ago.
795
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,866
So did half the Giggle Hut in Santa Monica,
I'm sorry.
796
00:34:38,943 --> 00:34:41,571
It's what comedians do.
We travel, we try to get laid.
797
00:34:41,646 --> 00:34:43,170
We tell jokes, but at the end of the day
798
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:46,478
we're just sad, alone
crying in a hotel, randomly.
799
00:34:47,185 --> 00:34:51,087
It's not pretty. You look amazing.
I got a gig. Later, fellas.
800
00:34:51,155 --> 00:34:52,417
- Good to see you, man.
- Good luck.
801
00:34:52,490 --> 00:34:53,718
Go with God.
802
00:34:53,791 --> 00:34:56,487
God, I knew I should have slept
with Chappelle that night.
803
00:34:56,561 --> 00:34:58,392
They were on the same bill.
804
00:34:58,463 --> 00:35:01,830
- Funny gets you laid.
- Yeah. Funny gets you laid.
805
00:35:05,136 --> 00:35:07,730
- Two Jews walk into a bar...
- Go fuck yourself.
806
00:35:07,805 --> 00:35:09,170
Love you.
807
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,765
- Knock- knock.
- Fuck you.
808
00:35:12,977 --> 00:35:14,137
A midget and a black guy...
809
00:35:14,212 --> 00:35:17,272
Marty, really? Take the couch.
I'm serious. Take the couch.
810
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:25,414
Well hello, my little Albert Vagine- Stein.
811
00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:26,718
Oh, my God.
812
00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:28,418
There she is, naughty librarian.
813
00:35:28,493 --> 00:35:31,326
My little Liz Scott Fitzgerald.
814
00:35:31,395 --> 00:35:34,558
- Wow, have you been drinking?
- All studious and whatnot.
815
00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:36,327
Whatcha reading? Not that it matters.
816
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:37,992
Let's say we take a little reading break.
817
00:35:38,069 --> 00:35:40,867
Paul, really, no. I worked out
and it's that time of the month.
818
00:35:40,938 --> 00:35:43,133
Really? Like that stops me.
819
00:35:43,207 --> 00:35:44,697
- Honey, please.
- I'm an animal.
820
00:35:46,544 --> 00:35:48,273
- Wanna see how a bear reads?
- No.
821
00:35:48,346 --> 00:35:49,506
No? You sure?
822
00:35:50,648 --> 00:35:53,583
- Paul, come on!
- Paw swatted... Sorry.
823
00:35:53,651 --> 00:35:55,983
- That's my bear strength.
- Paul, please.
824
00:35:56,053 --> 00:35:59,386
Okay, then I'm gonna walk out of here
real slow like this never happened.
825
00:35:59,457 --> 00:36:02,483
Maybe take a shower
and try again in about 10 minutes.
826
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:05,085
Good luck. Good luck.
827
00:36:05,163 --> 00:36:07,791
My little Liz- bian. Liz- bian.
828
00:36:07,865 --> 00:36:08,854
Paul.
829
00:36:13,337 --> 00:36:16,170
I mean, you know,
the guy ran four miles a day,
830
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:18,504
ate healthy, barely ever drank...
831
00:36:19,544 --> 00:36:21,876
And he dies on the golf course,
at the seventh hole.
832
00:36:21,946 --> 00:36:24,881
Midday. Right in front of us. Dead.
833
00:36:24,949 --> 00:36:26,280
You know, the doctors say he threw a clot.
834
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:28,716
- Oh, that is so horrible.
- You know, his son's with me...
835
00:36:28,786 --> 00:36:31,653
I don't know what to tell him. I just
keep saying "Your father's sleeping."
836
00:36:31,722 --> 00:36:33,383
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, honey.
837
00:36:33,457 --> 00:36:35,152
I suck at golf!
838
00:36:35,226 --> 00:36:36,215
Who cares about golf?
839
00:36:36,861 --> 00:36:38,920
- Who has time to be good at golf?
- Excuse me?
840
00:36:40,498 --> 00:36:41,487
What?
841
00:36:41,566 --> 00:36:45,662
You just laughed while he was telling you
about his friend dying during golf.
842
00:36:47,238 --> 00:36:48,830
- Yeah, no. It's funny.
- Funny?
843
00:36:48,906 --> 00:36:51,204
- It's... You're such a fucking asshole!
- No, no... No.
844
00:36:51,275 --> 00:36:53,402
- Paul, do you want to apologize?
- Yeah, yeah.
845
00:36:54,579 --> 00:36:56,171
- Do you?
- Do I what?
846
00:36:56,247 --> 00:36:58,408
Want to apologize for laughing at
the death of his friend.
847
00:36:58,482 --> 00:37:01,280
No, I'm not laughing.
I wasn't laughing at the death...
848
00:37:01,352 --> 00:37:03,513
I'm laughing at the fragility of life
849
00:37:04,255 --> 00:37:05,620
on this planet.
850
00:37:07,692 --> 00:37:09,853
Shares of Paul are said to
be plummeting right now
851
00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:12,452
as his behavior is borderline unacceptable.
852
00:37:12,530 --> 00:37:14,191
Now they say that men love with their eyes,
853
00:37:14,265 --> 00:37:15,755
and women love with their ears.
854
00:37:15,833 --> 00:37:17,027
Well, it's time to change that up.
855
00:37:17,101 --> 00:37:18,591
I had to teach my boys how to listen.
856
00:37:18,669 --> 00:37:20,967
Look at this shit, I like this place.
This is cool.
857
00:37:21,038 --> 00:37:23,632
I feel like Katy Perry
is going to jump on the bar
858
00:37:23,708 --> 00:37:26,609
and start a concert
with lightning shooting out of her boobies.
859
00:37:26,677 --> 00:37:30,443
I feel like Justin Bieber is
going to jump out of a keg and jerk me off.
860
00:37:30,514 --> 00:37:31,879
I wish.
861
00:37:33,017 --> 00:37:34,006
What are we doing here?
862
00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:36,212
All right,
your wives say you don't listen, right?
863
00:37:36,287 --> 00:37:37,982
That you don't engage in conversation.
864
00:37:38,055 --> 00:37:41,491
You're about to engage in a conversation
you know or care nothing about.
865
00:37:41,559 --> 00:37:43,959
Three "L's". Look, listen, and learn.
866
00:37:44,028 --> 00:37:45,859
If you can listen to these girls ramble on,
867
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:48,091
listening to your wife
will be a cakewalk. Come on.
868
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:50,496
All right,
boys, this is Jen, Jordan and Malea.
869
00:37:50,601 --> 00:37:51,625
- Hi.
- Hi.
870
00:37:51,702 --> 00:37:53,602
- How are you doing?
- How are you? I'm married with kids.
871
00:37:53,671 --> 00:37:55,332
- Wow...
- Nice.
872
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:57,301
Welcome to the promised land of listening.
873
00:37:57,375 --> 00:37:59,400
- All right.
- Malea, tell your story.
874
00:37:59,477 --> 00:38:02,844
Okay, so I grew up in foster homes
for the first seven years of my life,
875
00:38:02,913 --> 00:38:04,232
till I found a family that
I really, really love.
876
00:38:04,245 --> 00:38:05,575
I love them
so much.
877
00:38:05,650 --> 00:38:07,174
I have always dreamt about being a dancer,
878
00:38:07,251 --> 00:38:10,277
so what do you know,
I got onto the Michael Buble tour,
879
00:38:10,488 --> 00:38:12,080
where I actually lost my virginity.
880
00:38:12,523 --> 00:38:13,854
I'm not proud of it...
881
00:38:14,191 --> 00:38:17,388
But that actually got me into
the Backstreet Boys reunion tour,
882
00:38:17,461 --> 00:38:19,190
and I think I found my calling.
883
00:38:19,764 --> 00:38:21,891
All right, good.
Now Marty, if you were really listening,
884
00:38:21,966 --> 00:38:23,297
you'll be able to repeat what she said.
885
00:38:23,367 --> 00:38:24,766
- Give us some details.
- Nothing.
886
00:38:24,835 --> 00:38:26,735
Your dad worked at Foster Grant,
887
00:38:26,804 --> 00:38:30,035
and you blew Michael Buble...
888
00:38:30,107 --> 00:38:31,438
- Marty!
- When you were on a boat.
889
00:38:31,509 --> 00:38:33,136
- She slept with Michael Bublé.
- No!
890
00:38:33,210 --> 00:38:36,577
And then
you started dancing for Marky Mark
891
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:38,308
and then had sex with the Funky Bunch?
892
00:38:38,683 --> 00:38:40,981
- Right? And you grew up in Baltimore.
- Marty!
893
00:38:41,052 --> 00:38:42,883
And you sing opera, right?
894
00:38:43,354 --> 00:38:44,651
- Fail!
- Fail what?
895
00:38:44,722 --> 00:38:45,848
You're not listening, Marty.
896
00:38:45,923 --> 00:38:48,016
She slept with the Backstreet Boys,
not with Marky Mark.
897
00:38:48,092 --> 00:38:49,889
- Excuse me, you don't sing opera?
- No, I do not.
898
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:51,086
- Country?
- No.
899
00:38:51,162 --> 00:38:52,652
- You figure skate?
- No!
900
00:38:52,730 --> 00:38:54,891
- No.
- That's the point of this exercise.
901
00:38:54,965 --> 00:38:56,728
You gotta listen. You gotta listen!
902
00:38:56,801 --> 00:38:58,393
Darling, did you not just say
you sing opera?
903
00:38:58,469 --> 00:39:00,300
- No, I did not just say that.
- Let me show you how it's done.
904
00:39:00,371 --> 00:39:01,702
- Stop, stop, stop!
- What is going on here?
905
00:39:01,772 --> 00:39:03,831
- Stop!
- You don't listen.
906
00:39:03,908 --> 00:39:05,466
- Exactly. I listen.
- Stop.
907
00:39:05,543 --> 00:39:07,010
- Let's try this again.
- Okay.
908
00:39:07,078 --> 00:39:08,875
- Jen, tell your story.
- Go ahead.
909
00:39:08,946 --> 00:39:10,811
This is my story on how
I lost my virginity.
910
00:39:10,881 --> 00:39:12,906
- Virginity, I like that.
- All right.
911
00:39:12,983 --> 00:39:16,544
Okay. So I was in the backseat of an SUV
at a rock show in Atlanta.
912
00:39:17,154 --> 00:39:19,520
The windows were all fogged up
so I assumed that nobody could see in,
913
00:39:19,590 --> 00:39:21,785
but then I looked up and...
914
00:39:33,070 --> 00:39:34,833
Needless to say, I have a reputation.
915
00:39:34,905 --> 00:39:36,497
- Yeah.
- All right, Paul.
916
00:39:36,907 --> 00:39:38,272
- Were you listening?
- Yes.
917
00:39:38,342 --> 00:39:40,310
- So. Okay.
- Go.
918
00:39:42,146 --> 00:39:45,638
You're in Atlanta,
you lost your virginity in a car wash.
919
00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:48,776
There were six people in the car.
And it's in the air.
920
00:39:48,853 --> 00:39:51,117
No, no, no, Paul. A, you're getting creepy.
921
00:39:51,455 --> 00:39:53,446
Guys, guys. Listen, listen.
922
00:39:53,524 --> 00:39:55,185
I used to babysit for my next door neighbor
923
00:39:55,259 --> 00:39:56,817
and he took me to a Knicks game,
924
00:39:56,894 --> 00:39:59,021
we sat front row, on the floor.
925
00:39:59,430 --> 00:40:01,489
I had to move away, change my identity.
926
00:40:02,266 --> 00:40:03,858
My name's not really Jordan.
927
00:40:04,802 --> 00:40:05,996
And go.
928
00:40:07,338 --> 00:40:10,239
Your father founded the Black Panthers.
929
00:40:10,374 --> 00:40:13,366
Your mom's a Puerto Rican Jew, and...
930
00:40:13,811 --> 00:40:15,438
Excuse me!
931
00:40:31,061 --> 00:40:34,792
I think it's really cool
how you hang out with older guys.
932
00:40:34,865 --> 00:40:35,923
They're not that much older.
933
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:37,228
- They're a little older than me.
- Really?
934
00:40:37,301 --> 00:40:39,098
Yeah. Okay, bye. gulls-
935
00:40:39,170 --> 00:40:40,967
My wife is gonna call you
about the babysitting.
936
00:40:41,038 --> 00:40:42,665
Older? What do you mean, older?
937
00:40:42,740 --> 00:40:44,332
Yeah, what are you talking about?
We're the same age.
938
00:40:44,408 --> 00:40:45,875
They don't know that. Sometimes I lie.
939
00:40:45,943 --> 00:40:48,138
If they say early 20s, I say early 30s.
940
00:40:48,212 --> 00:40:50,203
They say mid- 20s, I say mid- 30s.
941
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,146
The rest is sort of on a sliding scale.
942
00:40:52,216 --> 00:40:54,810
Yeah. Well, again, fuck you, man.
943
00:40:57,721 --> 00:41:01,748
Paul. Emily's piano recital
is in a couple of days.
944
00:41:01,826 --> 00:41:04,761
Emily's piano recital
is in a couple of days.
945
00:41:05,629 --> 00:41:06,721
I'm trying to be serious here.
946
00:41:06,797 --> 00:41:09,265
She's playing for my dad's friends
at the nursing home.
947
00:41:09,333 --> 00:41:10,459
You are being serious.
948
00:41:10,534 --> 00:41:14,265
She is playing for your dad's friends
at the nursing home.
949
00:41:14,638 --> 00:41:15,696
What are you doing?
950
00:41:16,407 --> 00:41:17,396
Everything.
951
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:19,439
Is this your idea of turning me on?
952
00:41:20,010 --> 00:41:22,706
Is this your idea of pretending
I'm not turning you on?
953
00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:26,147
Wow, I can barely contain myself.
I just came twice.
954
00:41:26,550 --> 00:41:27,881
Where has my husband gone?
955
00:41:28,719 --> 00:41:31,449
I don't know where he's gone.
I do know where he's going.
956
00:41:31,522 --> 00:41:32,546
I just spoke to our lawyers,
957
00:41:32,623 --> 00:41:35,057
and apparently
the Australians are reconsidering.
958
00:41:37,228 --> 00:41:39,093
Mommy!
959
00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:41,457
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
960
00:41:41,532 --> 00:41:44,695
Okay. I'll go make some money!
961
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:47,466
Oh, Paul.
962
00:41:54,845 --> 00:41:57,109
- Hey, Maur, sorry.
- Hey, Paul.
963
00:41:57,181 --> 00:41:58,307
- Good news.
- Yeah?
964
00:41:58,382 --> 00:42:01,408
And I don't know how I did it,
965
00:42:01,952 --> 00:42:05,718
but I managed to get the Australians
back into your good graces.
966
00:42:05,789 --> 00:42:08,257
They're going to take another look
at your company.
967
00:42:09,593 --> 00:42:12,061
- Okay. Do you want to use the bathroom?
- Damn this cold.
968
00:42:12,129 --> 00:42:13,562
What? What for?
969
00:42:14,899 --> 00:42:17,265
Shit! Okay. All right, thanks, Maur.
970
00:42:17,334 --> 00:42:19,097
That's great news.
You're the best lawyer ever.
971
00:42:19,169 --> 00:42:20,158
- Okay.
- No problem.
972
00:42:20,504 --> 00:42:22,699
- That's what you pay me for.
- Yep.
973
00:42:22,773 --> 00:42:24,331
Don't screw it up, that's my advice.
974
00:42:24,408 --> 00:42:25,875
Okay, thanks, I won't.
975
00:42:25,943 --> 00:42:27,604
Hey, Maury.
976
00:42:29,346 --> 00:42:30,677
He just...
977
00:42:31,048 --> 00:42:32,242
See ya.
978
00:42:32,316 --> 00:42:33,578
Fuck, did you just blow Maury?
979
00:42:33,651 --> 00:42:34,879
- Come on.
- What was that?
980
00:42:34,952 --> 00:42:36,476
That thing looks like a dead baby bird!
981
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:37,782
No idea. It was just sitting out like that.
982
00:42:37,855 --> 00:42:39,049
He doesn't feel the air on it?
983
00:42:39,123 --> 00:42:40,181
He's g0in9-
984
00:42:40,257 --> 00:42:43,055
Great news, listen to me. Australians,
they're giving us a second chance.
985
00:42:43,127 --> 00:42:44,594
- Oh, good!
- They're coming back in six days.
986
00:42:44,662 --> 00:42:46,527
All right, good. We need that. That's huge.
987
00:42:46,597 --> 00:42:47,689
- I know, I know.
- Okay, good.
988
00:42:47,765 --> 00:42:49,733
That's going to fuck me up
for a long time, man.
989
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,268
How long did it stay... What was that?
He didn't feel the air on it?
990
00:42:52,336 --> 00:42:54,668
He was sitting on that chair.
What am I going to do with the chair?
991
00:42:54,738 --> 00:42:55,796
- I gotta throw it away.
- Get rid of it.
992
00:42:55,873 --> 00:42:57,033
Can somebody help me
get this chair out of here?
993
00:42:57,107 --> 00:42:58,165
Get some bleach. Bleach it.
994
00:42:58,242 --> 00:42:59,402
I'm not touching it.
995
00:42:59,777 --> 00:43:01,540
The boys must have done something right.
996
00:43:01,612 --> 00:43:04,342
First came Martin and Lewis,
now comes Martin and Gold.
997
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:06,110
The boys are back in the game.
998
00:43:08,018 --> 00:43:11,545
Paul's idea of spontaneity is to put
a hand on my breast, mid- sentence.
999
00:43:12,189 --> 00:43:13,554
It's cute.
1000
00:43:13,624 --> 00:43:16,252
Marty's idea of spontaneity
is getting something
1001
00:43:16,327 --> 00:43:18,227
other than Chinese food on Sunday nights.
1002
00:43:18,295 --> 00:43:20,593
Well, way to shake up the norm, babe.
Thanks so much.
1003
00:43:20,664 --> 00:43:24,293
And the listening!
The listening has reached an all- time low.
1004
00:43:24,368 --> 00:43:27,462
Listening? I sent Marty to the
store to get orange juice,
1005
00:43:27,538 --> 00:43:29,699
he came back with milk and M&Ms.
1006
00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:30,762
Really?
1007
00:43:30,841 --> 00:43:33,901
Paul thinks I don't notice with
the fake- listen head- nod move.
1008
00:43:33,978 --> 00:43:35,206
Fake- listen head- nod.
1009
00:43:35,279 --> 00:43:38,373
Yeah, Marty perfected
that move years ago, so...
1010
00:43:39,516 --> 00:43:41,711
It is amazing to me, amazing to me,
1011
00:43:41,785 --> 00:43:45,983
that they can be so smart in business
and so stupid at home!
1012
00:43:46,056 --> 00:43:47,523
- I know.
- Maybe it's, like, a thing.
1013
00:43:47,591 --> 00:43:50,082
Do you think Bill Gates forgets
what grade his daughter is in?
1014
00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:52,628
No, I doubt it. He owns the school.
1015
00:43:52,696 --> 00:43:53,720
That would help.
1016
00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:56,027
- This is, like, soaked in booze.
- Is it really?
1017
00:43:56,100 --> 00:43:57,089
It's so good.
1018
00:43:57,167 --> 00:43:58,691
They say that about the pineappley parts.
1019
00:43:58,769 --> 00:44:00,236
Where did my pineappley part go?
1020
00:44:00,704 --> 00:44:01,693
Hey!
1021
00:44:01,772 --> 00:44:03,706
- What's up?
- Sit down.
1022
00:44:03,774 --> 00:44:05,036
Hey, where's the fire? What is this?
1023
00:44:05,109 --> 00:44:06,406
I can believe this. I can't take it.
1024
00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:08,468
Don't ask, just watch.
And watch with your wives.
1025
00:44:08,545 --> 00:44:11,241
Oh, no, I stopped doing porn.
It's too intimidating.
1026
00:44:11,315 --> 00:44:12,475
It doesn't intimidate me.
1027
00:44:12,549 --> 00:44:14,039
It's not porn.
1028
00:44:14,118 --> 00:44:16,609
We got Beaches, Steel Magnolias
and The Champ.
1029
00:44:16,687 --> 00:44:18,985
Oh, hell, no!
I'm not watching The Champ, man.
1030
00:44:19,056 --> 00:44:20,045
That's too much, man.
1031
00:44:20,124 --> 00:44:22,319
If I saw Ricky Schroder right now,
I'd start crying.
1032
00:44:22,559 --> 00:44:25,153
Fucking kid's crying in the ring,
"Champ, wake up, Champ!"
1033
00:44:25,229 --> 00:44:26,696
And he had the blue eyes and the freckles.
1034
00:44:26,764 --> 00:44:28,163
- No, Marty, Marty...
- No, I can't watch that shit.
1035
00:44:28,232 --> 00:44:29,426
Marty, Marty, that's the point.
1036
00:44:29,500 --> 00:44:31,024
Women love that shit, okay?
1037
00:44:31,101 --> 00:44:32,090
Next to Brian's Song,
1038
00:44:32,169 --> 00:44:34,137
The Champ is one of the greatest man cries
of all time.
1039
00:44:34,204 --> 00:44:37,367
Society tries to tell us that
women don't want sensitive men, right?
1040
00:44:37,441 --> 00:44:40,808
I say fuck society. Cry your way back in.
Make it a couple's cry.
1041
00:44:40,878 --> 00:44:42,106
What about Rocky?
1042
00:44:42,179 --> 00:44:45,148
Classic underdog tale, but doesn't get
sensitive until Mickey dies in III.
1043
00:44:45,215 --> 00:44:47,445
- That's true.
- It's messed up when Apollo dies, too.
1044
00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:49,748
That really killed me. And you know
what else is a good one? Lassie.
1045
00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:52,648
I can't even keep that film in the house.
It's too overwhelming emotionally.
1046
00:44:52,723 --> 00:44:54,020
Nothing sexy about a dead dog.
1047
00:44:54,191 --> 00:44:56,352
- Lassie didn't die.
- In real life, she did.
1048
00:44:56,527 --> 00:44:57,824
- Like in real life?
- Guys...
1049
00:44:57,895 --> 00:44:58,884
Real Lassie died?
1050
00:44:58,962 --> 00:45:01,556
Listen to me, a couple that
cries together, stays together.
1051
00:45:01,632 --> 00:45:02,621
Go do your work.
1052
00:45:06,370 --> 00:45:08,463
I never thought it would end this way.
1053
00:45:08,539 --> 00:45:10,063
Look at that hair.
1054
00:45:10,507 --> 00:45:12,168
It's awful.
1055
00:45:12,676 --> 00:45:14,109
If it's my last week on Earth,
1056
00:45:14,178 --> 00:45:17,113
do not let me leave the house
looking like that.
1057
00:45:17,181 --> 00:45:19,308
I'll be dead in a week!
1058
00:45:19,783 --> 00:45:21,614
Oh, God, I need sun.
1059
00:45:21,685 --> 00:45:23,346
I'm like an albino, I'm so pale.
1060
00:45:27,191 --> 00:45:29,989
Hey, babe, you know
that bully parent, Calvin?
1061
00:45:30,094 --> 00:45:34,155
Little guy? Napoleon complex?
At Alex's practice?
1062
00:45:34,231 --> 00:45:35,220
Yeah.
1063
00:45:35,299 --> 00:45:38,393
The one that's always
screaming and yelling.
1064
00:45:38,469 --> 00:45:40,664
- He's scaring the kids.
- Okay.
1065
00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:42,763
Someone needs to say
something to him, okay?
1066
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,570
Yeah, I'm sure somebody will talk to him.
1067
00:45:46,710 --> 00:45:48,678
Someone like you, Marty.
1068
00:45:51,415 --> 00:45:52,541
ok3Y-
1069
00:45:53,917 --> 00:45:55,384
ok3Y-
1070
00:45:56,286 --> 00:45:58,811
I know, but look at me.
1071
00:45:59,389 --> 00:46:01,289
I can't stop looking at you.
1072
00:46:01,358 --> 00:46:03,292
Stop looking at me like that.
1073
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:05,055
My hair's gone.
1074
00:46:05,796 --> 00:46:08,856
The Little League loudmouth parent.
It's an epidemic.
1075
00:46:09,199 --> 00:46:10,996
It'll be my pleasure
to show Marty a few things.
1076
00:46:13,137 --> 00:46:16,231
Now, I don't condone violence,
but my boy here, he loves it.
1077
00:46:17,674 --> 00:46:21,770
So obviously your first choice in any
confrontation is to defuse the situation,
1078
00:46:21,845 --> 00:46:24,040
but we all know that
sometimes that doesn't work.
1079
00:46:24,114 --> 00:46:25,206
- Right?
- Right.
1080
00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:26,613
Okay. So, sometimes
you got to throw a beating.
1081
00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:28,843
Look, I'm just putting this out there.
1082
00:46:28,919 --> 00:46:32,116
I had Osgood- Schlatters
and my doctor said it came back.
1083
00:46:32,189 --> 00:46:33,486
Marty, that's a children's ailment.
1084
00:46:33,557 --> 00:46:35,787
I don't make this shit up.
That's what the doctor said.
1085
00:46:35,859 --> 00:46:37,486
Marty, working out is sexy.
1086
00:46:37,561 --> 00:46:39,153
Women outlive men, but we don't want that.
1087
00:46:39,229 --> 00:46:42,858
We want you to be alive and strong
and on our side for the long haul.
1088
00:46:42,933 --> 00:46:45,265
This is all very touching,
but can we do some work here?
1089
00:46:45,335 --> 00:46:46,666
- Want to do some work?
- Yeah.
1090
00:46:46,737 --> 00:46:48,034
- You wanna show me your jab?
- Yeah.
1091
00:46:48,105 --> 00:46:49,094
- You wanna punch?
- Yeah.
1092
00:46:49,173 --> 00:46:50,640
Okay, now digs, let's see some work.
1093
00:46:50,707 --> 00:46:51,696
Let's go, Marty.
1094
00:46:54,378 --> 00:46:56,073
Be the man we know you are, Marty.
1095
00:46:56,146 --> 00:46:57,545
Jab it, yeah!
1096
00:47:02,252 --> 00:47:04,516
Keep your balance! Jab, right, jab!
1097
00:47:06,223 --> 00:47:08,384
- Get him, Marty!
- Again.
1098
00:47:21,939 --> 00:47:23,668
Hey, look at this guy.
1099
00:47:23,740 --> 00:47:26,140
Hey, what'd you fuck,
a Foot Locker mannequin?
1100
00:47:26,810 --> 00:47:28,243
Hey, you look good. You look great.
1101
00:47:28,312 --> 00:47:30,303
Hey Joey, Joey, show my boy...
1102
00:47:30,380 --> 00:47:33,076
Show my boy the oldest trick in the book.
Show him how to out- crazy a guy.
1103
00:47:33,150 --> 00:47:34,310
- Oh, the threaten thing?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1104
00:47:34,384 --> 00:47:35,442
I can do that. Okay.
1105
00:47:35,652 --> 00:47:37,119
Say someone threatens you.
1106
00:47:37,187 --> 00:47:39,917
You gotta come back with them
with something crazier
1107
00:47:39,990 --> 00:47:41,548
and then you throw in a stare.
1108
00:47:41,625 --> 00:47:43,616
Okay, so, come at me. Threaten me.
1109
00:47:44,595 --> 00:47:46,426
- Okay.
- Give him something. Give him something.
1110
00:47:46,496 --> 00:47:48,623
- Let's go, Marty.
- You need to move outta the way,
1111
00:47:48,699 --> 00:47:51,167
or I'm gonna fuck your sister at
1112
00:47:52,236 --> 00:47:54,067
5:45 next Friday.
1113
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:56,168
Wow. That was, that was too specific.
1114
00:47:56,473 --> 00:47:57,872
After lunch?
1115
00:47:58,408 --> 00:47:59,773
That's a little specific.
1116
00:48:00,177 --> 00:48:01,508
Yeah. Let's try to be a
little more general.
1117
00:48:02,613 --> 00:48:03,807
Come at me again.
1118
00:48:04,414 --> 00:48:05,904
All right. Hey, hey!
1119
00:48:06,316 --> 00:48:08,284
I'll fuck your grandma,
1120
00:48:08,919 --> 00:48:10,853
next month, a bunch of times,
1121
00:48:11,154 --> 00:48:13,213
if you don't move out of my way.
1122
00:48:13,457 --> 00:48:15,186
You fuck my grandmother,
I'll rip your dick off,
1123
00:48:15,259 --> 00:48:16,920
I'll shove it down your throat,
I'll make you shit it out!
1124
00:48:16,994 --> 00:48:19,258
And then I'll make you swallow it again!
Do you understand me?
1125
00:48:19,329 --> 00:48:22,821
No, I don't want to fuck her for real.
I was just...
1126
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,696
All right, all right, all right.
Tap, tap, tap.
1127
00:48:25,769 --> 00:48:27,760
- See how that works? See how that works?
- That's right.
1128
00:48:27,838 --> 00:48:29,328
You guys ready? Let's go!
1129
00:48:31,141 --> 00:48:32,631
Come on, Marty.
1130
00:48:34,177 --> 00:48:35,940
You're beasts! You guys are beasts!
1131
00:48:36,013 --> 00:48:39,676
One, two, three. Red! Red! Red!
1132
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,411
Yeah! That's it.
1133
00:48:41,485 --> 00:48:42,611
- Hi.
- How are you?
1134
00:48:49,192 --> 00:48:51,057
Wow, impressive!
1135
00:48:51,261 --> 00:48:54,321
Why don't you bean the kid
and force a double play?
1136
00:48:54,398 --> 00:48:57,026
Now let's see what you got
when my boy steps up!
1137
00:48:59,002 --> 00:49:01,994
Let's see if you got anything
for the slider here, you little shit.
1138
00:49:02,072 --> 00:49:04,597
Okay, Junior, swing for it!
1139
00:49:06,009 --> 00:49:08,705
Look at the ballerina! Nice throw!
1140
00:49:09,212 --> 00:49:10,304
Come on!
1141
00:49:10,881 --> 00:49:12,974
Look, he's throwing heat over here.
1142
00:49:13,450 --> 00:49:14,508
He can't do that.
1143
00:49:14,985 --> 00:49:17,647
I think this guy's kinda
crazy in the head, Mom.
1144
00:49:18,388 --> 00:49:19,878
All right, Junior.
1145
00:49:20,223 --> 00:49:22,384
Swing for it, all the way.
1146
00:49:22,726 --> 00:49:24,318
Take ‘em yard!
1147
00:49:24,494 --> 00:49:26,792
You better check yourself, playboy!
1148
00:49:27,364 --> 00:49:28,353
Yeah.
1149
00:49:32,936 --> 00:49:35,632
Yeah, yeah, yeah, run, run, run.
Dig it, dig it, dig it.
1150
00:49:35,706 --> 00:49:36,968
Go, go, go. 90!
1151
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:40,009
- You got it, you got it. Oh, come on.
- Yes!
1152
00:49:40,143 --> 00:49:41,804
What are you, a bad dad?
1153
00:49:42,012 --> 00:49:43,843
You knocked him down,
what's wrong with you?
1154
00:49:43,914 --> 00:49:45,142
Who are you trying to impress?
1155
00:49:45,215 --> 00:49:47,877
You got scouts watching?
You going pro? What's up?
1156
00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:49,213
What are you talking about?
1157
00:49:49,286 --> 00:49:51,254
If I lob it in,
everybody's gonna get on the base
1158
00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:52,379
and no one's gonna learn.
1159
00:49:52,489 --> 00:49:54,616
I see how it is.
Well, why don't you give me the ball
1160
00:49:54,691 --> 00:49:56,386
and I'll brush your kid off the plate?
1161
00:49:56,593 --> 00:49:58,618
Hey shit- dick, you wanna threaten me,
that's one thing,
1162
00:49:58,695 --> 00:50:00,663
you wanna threaten my kid
that's another thing, okay?
1163
00:50:00,731 --> 00:50:02,699
I'll make two phone calls
and in the morning
1164
00:50:02,766 --> 00:50:04,324
there will be a moving truck
outside your house
1165
00:50:04,401 --> 00:50:05,800
and you'll be crying like a little baby!
1166
00:50:06,436 --> 00:50:07,425
What the hell does that mean?
1167
00:50:07,504 --> 00:50:10,200
That means I'll suck the snot
outta your nose and spit it in your mouth,
1168
00:50:10,273 --> 00:50:11,297
okay, shit stain?
1169
00:50:11,375 --> 00:50:12,899
Fuck him up, Dad!
1170
00:50:13,176 --> 00:50:15,974
You got that? I'm the fucking Mike Tyson of
this Little League shit.
1171
00:50:16,046 --> 00:50:17,035
You understand me, pencil dick?
1172
00:50:17,447 --> 00:50:19,381
- You understand, fuck nuts?
- Yeah, yeah!
1173
00:50:19,616 --> 00:50:21,174
Can I get help over here?
1174
00:50:24,121 --> 00:50:27,454
Thank you for untucking those balls, baby.
You did it!
1175
00:50:27,591 --> 00:50:29,991
My teeth... Has my tooth fallen out?
1176
00:50:30,694 --> 00:50:31,820
And here we go.
1177
00:50:31,895 --> 00:50:33,658
- Is it loose?
- No. You're fine.
1178
00:50:34,197 --> 00:50:37,598
You did good. Honey? Honey? Two outs.
Two outs. You gotta get back out there.
1179
00:50:37,667 --> 00:50:41,296
Get back out there.
Do it. Bring the fury! Yes!
1180
00:50:41,371 --> 00:50:44,306
I'm gonna screw you on a cruise ship
on a Thursday in bad weather!
1181
00:50:44,408 --> 00:50:47,309
I'm gonna give it to you.
Mama's gonna give it to you!
1182
00:50:47,844 --> 00:50:49,004
Marty!
1183
00:50:49,312 --> 00:50:50,802
That's some good shit, man!
1184
00:50:50,947 --> 00:50:51,936
Danny?
1185
00:50:52,149 --> 00:50:54,515
Hey, buddy, what do you think, man?
1186
00:50:54,584 --> 00:50:55,676
It's pretty cool, right?
1187
00:50:56,219 --> 00:50:58,084
Fuck a roof over your head, man.
1188
00:50:58,522 --> 00:50:59,921
- It's awesome, what?
- You can't camp out in the park.
1189
00:50:59,990 --> 00:51:00,979
Run, Danny!
1190
00:51:01,491 --> 00:51:03,584
- Hey, man, I pay taxes!
- Sir, sir.
1191
00:51:03,693 --> 00:51:05,888
- Don't, don't tase me, man!
- Yeah.
1192
00:51:07,064 --> 00:51:08,156
Yeah.
1193
00:51:09,032 --> 00:51:10,124
All right, two outs!
1194
00:51:10,667 --> 00:51:13,158
It was a good thing I wasn't there.
I go crazy with that kind of stuff.
1195
00:51:13,236 --> 00:51:15,500
Wow, you haven't been in a fight
since high school, babe.
1196
00:51:15,705 --> 00:51:18,037
Not that you've seen. I go low pro.
1197
00:51:18,108 --> 00:51:20,736
- Low pro.
- I keep my skills concealed.
1198
00:51:20,811 --> 00:51:21,800
Concealed.
1199
00:51:22,145 --> 00:51:23,373
Talk about me, that's one thing.
1200
00:51:23,447 --> 00:51:25,438
Talk about my son,
that's a whole other thing.
1201
00:51:25,749 --> 00:51:27,046
Full- blown anxiety attack?
1202
00:51:27,384 --> 00:51:29,579
You saw me out there, sweetie.
The guy got lucky.
1203
00:51:29,653 --> 00:51:31,712
I'm surprised more guys
don't get the shit kicked out of them
1204
00:51:31,788 --> 00:51:32,846
at Little League games.
1205
00:51:32,923 --> 00:51:35,016
You should be a Little League super hero!
1206
00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:36,821
Run around beating up mean fathers.
1207
00:51:37,694 --> 00:51:38,683
That's not the worst idea.
1208
00:51:38,895 --> 00:51:40,385
Why are you doing that?
Don't encourage them.
1209
00:51:40,464 --> 00:51:42,989
Hey, guys. Sorry,
we're running a little slow tonight.
1210
00:51:43,066 --> 00:51:44,124
What can I get you to start?
1211
00:51:44,201 --> 00:51:46,692
You know what,
can I get a Rusty Spoon, please?
1212
00:51:47,804 --> 00:51:48,828
A what?
1213
00:51:49,406 --> 00:51:51,931
You know what, why don't we
start with four Midnight Nipples.
1214
00:51:52,008 --> 00:51:54,841
You know, I'm sorry, instead,
let me get a Bang Bang Neighbor.
1215
00:51:54,911 --> 00:51:57,106
I'll get a Communist Hooker Sprite,
on second thought.
1216
00:51:57,180 --> 00:51:59,205
Scratch that, let's get
two Ass To Mouths...
1217
00:51:59,282 --> 00:52:00,909
I don't want an Ass To Mouth,
1218
00:52:01,017 --> 00:52:03,645
but I do want a Detroit Working Girl.
1219
00:52:03,720 --> 00:52:05,813
That works for him,
but you know what, I want a rare vodka.
1220
00:52:05,922 --> 00:52:08,652
- It's called a Bieber- Bangs Stoli?
Straight. - You know what?
1221
00:52:08,725 --> 00:52:09,885
This is getting too complicated.
1222
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:12,485
Why don't we just start with
High Country Crotch Rockets...
1223
00:52:12,562 --> 00:52:13,586
For everybody. Four, please.
1224
00:52:13,663 --> 00:52:15,255
Okay, enough. Enough.
1225
00:52:16,099 --> 00:52:18,590
Shots of sexual harassment for you.
You're welcome.
1226
00:52:18,802 --> 00:52:19,791
It's drink- lingo.
1227
00:52:19,870 --> 00:52:21,861
What's the matter,
we go too much swagger for the 'burbs?
1228
00:52:21,938 --> 00:52:23,064
You don't have
any of those drinks, sweetie?
1229
00:52:23,140 --> 00:52:26,439
Paul, the boys will have juice boxes,
1230
00:52:26,510 --> 00:52:30,412
and the two of us will enjoy
a very expensive bottle of Chardonnay.
1231
00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:32,277
Can you put some beer
in those juice boxes?
1232
00:52:32,349 --> 00:52:34,010
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
1233
00:52:35,352 --> 00:52:38,048
Marty, why don't you come with me
to yoga tomorrow?
1234
00:52:38,121 --> 00:52:40,419
Work on that thing
that's happening right now.
1235
00:52:40,690 --> 00:52:43,591
I don't wanna go to yoga.
I mean, if it was Crossfit or TRX,
1236
00:52:43,660 --> 00:52:46,026
or something like that,
maybe, but yoga, it's kinda easy.
1237
00:52:46,429 --> 00:52:48,624
Is it that super sexy yoga teacher
you were telling me about?
1238
00:52:49,366 --> 00:52:50,856
Why, yes, Liz, it is.
1239
00:52:50,934 --> 00:52:53,300
- The super sexy yoga teacher.
- Yes.
1240
00:52:53,370 --> 00:52:55,895
We're going to work on
the plow pose tomorrow.
1241
00:52:55,972 --> 00:52:57,303
- Plow pose.
- To do what?
1242
00:52:57,374 --> 00:52:58,363
He's going to plow me.
1243
00:52:58,808 --> 00:53:00,241
Who's going to plow what? Who?
1244
00:53:00,610 --> 00:53:04,307
And he is...Latino.
1245
00:53:06,216 --> 00:53:10,084
Reach your heart towards the sun
and give thanks.
1246
00:53:11,054 --> 00:53:12,681
Breathe in.
1247
00:53:14,357 --> 00:53:20,057
Understand that we hold memories
of our past in our bodies.
1248
00:53:20,130 --> 00:53:21,620
So when you stretch,
1249
00:53:21,698 --> 00:53:25,964
you may experience some emotions
that are uncomfortable.
1250
00:53:26,036 --> 00:53:29,130
Now, let's lift our leg to the sky.
1251
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,230
And breathe.
1252
00:53:34,144 --> 00:53:35,839
Fuck the third grade!
1253
00:53:38,615 --> 00:53:40,412
All right, everybody, if you're thinking
1254
00:53:40,483 --> 00:53:43,008
you want to make your house
more energy- efficient,
1255
00:53:43,086 --> 00:53:45,554
you better make sure you can afford it.
1256
00:53:45,622 --> 00:53:48,682
So I want you to
go to suzeorman.com right now,
1257
00:53:48,792 --> 00:53:50,885
tell me what it is that you want to do
1258
00:53:50,961 --> 00:53:54,362
and I'll tell you if you
can afford it or not!
1259
00:53:55,498 --> 00:53:56,931
All right. I think somebody's out there.
1260
00:53:57,300 --> 00:53:59,928
Hey, who's next. Hello?
Are you out there? You on?
1261
00:54:00,136 --> 00:54:01,330
Oh, God.
1262
00:54:02,505 --> 00:54:05,201
Did somebody just say God is calling me?
1263
00:54:05,275 --> 00:54:07,368
Listen, if you're God, I gotta tell you,
1264
00:54:07,444 --> 00:54:10,140
I have been waiting
my entire lifetime for you to call.
1265
00:54:10,213 --> 00:54:12,374
Please don't tell me
that you're broke, too.
1266
00:54:12,449 --> 00:54:15,475
No. Suze, hey, this is
Paul from New Jersey.
1267
00:54:15,552 --> 00:54:19,044
Paul, I can barely hear you,
so go ahead, Whispering Paul.
1268
00:54:19,122 --> 00:54:21,647
Okay, here's the thing,
my wife spends money like...
1269
00:54:21,725 --> 00:54:24,819
$1,000 on a pair of shoes,
$2,500 on a purse.
1270
00:54:24,894 --> 00:54:27,863
She acts like they're investments.
They're gonna outperform the SMB 500.
1271
00:54:28,231 --> 00:54:29,721
Are these good purchases?
1272
00:54:29,799 --> 00:54:33,360
Did you just ask me
if these are good purchases?
1273
00:54:33,436 --> 00:54:34,926
Are you kidding?
1274
00:54:35,005 --> 00:54:37,701
But listen, boyfriend,
I'm not here to judge
1275
00:54:37,774 --> 00:54:40,265
what you or your wife wants to buy.
1276
00:54:40,377 --> 00:54:43,437
I'm here to tell you
if you can afford it or not.
1277
00:54:43,513 --> 00:54:46,812
So open up one of her purses
and just simply show me the money, Paul.
1278
00:54:47,851 --> 00:54:50,513
I make around about
$21,000 month in income.
1279
00:54:51,054 --> 00:54:53,284
Good. I have to tell you,
that's great income.
1280
00:54:53,390 --> 00:54:56,382
Yeah, but I spend about $25,000 month.
1281
00:54:56,459 --> 00:54:59,257
Wait, excuse me? Did you just say that
1282
00:54:59,329 --> 00:55:01,729
your income is $21, 000,
1283
00:55:01,798 --> 00:55:03,663
but you're spending $25, 000,
1284
00:55:03,733 --> 00:55:07,931
so you are already 34,
000 a month in deficit?
1285
00:55:08,004 --> 00:55:10,336
This is exactly why I'm calling you,
I'm living in a madhouse!
1286
00:55:10,407 --> 00:55:12,898
You know, I gotta wake up,
I gotta make $15,000 a month
1287
00:55:12,976 --> 00:55:14,568
just to wake up, the way she spends.
1288
00:55:14,644 --> 00:55:15,975
It's crazy! And it's scaring me!
1289
00:55:16,179 --> 00:55:18,306
Well, it should be scaring you.
1290
00:55:18,381 --> 00:55:21,441
Does your wife even have a clue that
you don't have enough money
1291
00:55:21,518 --> 00:55:23,008
to pay your bills every month?
1292
00:55:23,086 --> 00:55:24,246
I don't think so.
1293
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:25,913
What do you mean you don't think so?
1294
00:55:25,989 --> 00:55:29,356
Listen, boyfriend,
you make really good money,
1295
00:55:29,426 --> 00:55:31,223
but the fact that you make so much
1296
00:55:31,294 --> 00:55:34,422
and you're spending
more than you make is a travesty.
1297
00:55:34,531 --> 00:55:38,262
You are so wrong
and here is what you need to know.
1298
00:55:38,335 --> 00:55:40,132
You are denied!
1299
00:55:40,470 --> 00:55:43,439
In fact, your wife should
take all the purses,
1300
00:55:43,506 --> 00:55:47,602
all the shoes she has ever purchased
and sell them on eBay.
1301
00:55:47,911 --> 00:55:49,310
Thank you.
1302
00:55:49,412 --> 00:55:51,710
Thank you.
It's so good to hear a sane voice!
1303
00:55:51,781 --> 00:55:52,975
I'll tell you something else she does...
1304
00:55:53,049 --> 00:55:56,075
Are you discussing our relationship
with Suze Orman?
1305
00:55:59,456 --> 00:56:02,516
I don't... No. I don't think so.
1306
00:56:03,059 --> 00:56:04,959
- Paul!
- Okay.
1307
00:56:06,996 --> 00:56:08,930
Now, I figure
the next lesson should be spontaneity.
1308
00:56:09,032 --> 00:56:11,728
Women love it.
Men, they don't even know what it is.
1309
00:56:12,335 --> 00:56:14,132
All right, boys, class is
in session, all right?
1310
00:56:14,204 --> 00:56:16,570
Let's get into the issue.
Marty, what are you wearing?
1311
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:18,930
These are my capris.
1312
00:56:19,342 --> 00:56:21,503
- It's comfortable.
- Well, it's not comfortable for us.
1313
00:56:22,445 --> 00:56:24,640
- I like it.
- None of my moves are working.
1314
00:56:24,714 --> 00:56:25,908
- Well, that's because they're moves.
- Right.
1315
00:56:26,015 --> 00:56:27,277
Moves are for amateurs.
1316
00:56:28,918 --> 00:56:30,545
I'm going to buy her
a really nice purse, I think.
1317
00:56:30,620 --> 00:56:32,019
- That's always worked in the past.
- Do that. Do that.
1318
00:56:32,088 --> 00:56:34,682
But buying a gift as an apology
went out years ago.
1319
00:56:34,758 --> 00:56:35,747
Yeah.
1320
00:56:35,859 --> 00:56:37,759
What women want is spontaneity.
1321
00:56:37,827 --> 00:56:39,761
- They want a surprise, right?
- Yeah.
1322
00:56:39,863 --> 00:56:41,387
No, my wife don't like surprises.
1323
00:56:41,598 --> 00:56:43,065
All women like surprises, Marty.
1324
00:56:43,133 --> 00:56:46,125
No, trust me, okay?
We threw a surprise party a few years ago.
1325
00:56:46,202 --> 00:56:47,464
She walked in, we said "Surprise."
1326
00:56:47,537 --> 00:56:49,664
She said "Fuck off,"
smacked my face and left!
1327
00:56:49,739 --> 00:56:51,104
Okay, she said I invited all her enemies.
1328
00:56:51,241 --> 00:56:52,299
I don't need that shit.
1329
00:56:52,475 --> 00:56:54,602
Clarissa, maybe if I, you know,
if! made out with you,
1330
00:56:54,677 --> 00:56:56,042
it'd make things a little better, you know.
1331
00:56:56,112 --> 00:56:57,272
- Help me through this?
- Paul?
1332
00:56:57,647 --> 00:56:59,205
- You're a dickhead.
- Okay.
1333
00:56:59,282 --> 00:57:01,182
Okay, okay. Here we go.
1334
00:57:01,885 --> 00:57:04,285
So, your wife is sitting on the couch,
1335
00:57:04,687 --> 00:57:07,087
watching TV, or reading a book
1336
00:57:07,157 --> 00:57:08,249
or having some ice cream, right?
1337
00:57:08,792 --> 00:57:09,816
- Yeah.
- Okay.
1338
00:57:09,893 --> 00:57:12,384
Let me tell you,
this works in almost every country, too.
1339
00:57:12,462 --> 00:57:14,453
I tried this on an Ecuadorian super model,
1340
00:57:14,531 --> 00:57:16,522
she slept with me for six months.
She even moved in for awhile.
1341
00:57:16,599 --> 00:57:18,191
How'd you get her out of your house?
1342
00:57:18,334 --> 00:57:19,767
I had her deported on a visa loophole.
1343
00:57:19,836 --> 00:57:21,269
- Okay, stop talking.
- He's the best.
1344
00:57:21,337 --> 00:57:22,463
- Watch how this works, guys.
- Best.
1345
00:57:22,539 --> 00:57:23,528
- Watch.
- Okay, right?
1346
00:57:24,007 --> 00:57:26,737
So she's reading a book.
She's reading a book, right?
1347
00:57:26,810 --> 00:57:29,938
You kinda slide up behind her,
move in and...
1348
00:57:30,079 --> 00:57:31,273
Boom! Right?
1349
00:57:31,748 --> 00:57:33,613
You go in for the kiss, you're kissing.
1350
00:57:33,683 --> 00:57:35,412
Boom, boom, boom, kissing.
1351
00:57:35,485 --> 00:57:37,009
She's not paying attention.
1352
00:57:37,086 --> 00:57:40,886
You slide down, grab the hand,
look who's happy now.
1353
00:57:40,957 --> 00:57:42,424
And I'm so shocked by this move,
1354
00:57:42,492 --> 00:57:44,517
that I don't even notice
that I'm walking away.
1355
00:57:45,995 --> 00:57:47,360
God damn it!
1356
00:57:47,430 --> 00:57:48,692
Fucking shit...
1357
00:57:49,065 --> 00:57:50,532
All right, guys, write this down.
1358
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:53,059
That's known as the Happy Kidnap.
1359
00:57:54,537 --> 00:57:56,266
- You got a pen?
- I don't have a pen.
1360
00:57:59,108 --> 00:58:00,132
Hello.
1361
00:58:02,212 --> 00:58:04,339
Wow. Those are... fitted.
1362
00:58:04,581 --> 00:58:08,574
Oh, no, this is just what happens
when you're this muscular.
1363
00:58:08,651 --> 00:58:10,209
You just kinda bust out of your shirts.
1364
00:58:10,286 --> 00:58:11,913
Is that a unitard?
1365
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:15,090
It is not a unitard, but I am going
to take that as a compliment.
1366
00:58:16,626 --> 00:58:18,287
I tucked my shirt in
1367
00:58:18,361 --> 00:58:20,955
so I can show you what I'm working with.
1368
00:58:22,131 --> 00:58:23,223
What's this?
1369
00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:26,359
Just a little something
to tell you that I love you.
1370
00:58:27,403 --> 00:58:28,665
Baby, ouch!
1371
00:58:28,738 --> 00:58:31,070
Those are my extensions!
That's not my real hair.
1372
00:58:31,140 --> 00:58:32,334
- Really?
- No.
1373
00:58:32,408 --> 00:58:34,137
- I mean it's partly my hair.
- Whose hair is it?
1374
00:58:34,210 --> 00:58:35,837
The hair of angels?
1375
00:58:35,945 --> 00:58:38,140
What is up with the moves?
1376
00:58:38,214 --> 00:58:40,114
And the pants, and...
1377
00:58:40,183 --> 00:58:43,812
I'm just hanging out.
I thought maybe you'd like to take a break.
1378
00:58:43,887 --> 00:58:46,583
- Emily is right upstairs.
- She is. Yeah, I know that.
1379
00:58:46,656 --> 00:58:48,590
- She's sound asleep.
- How do you know?
1380
00:58:49,158 --> 00:58:52,924
Because I have sexual psychic powers.
1381
00:58:52,996 --> 00:58:55,089
Well, do you think
you could tell your sexual psychic powers
1382
00:58:55,198 --> 00:58:57,359
maybe just to wait
until I'm finished with this chapter?
1383
00:58:57,433 --> 00:58:59,298
I can do that, but you know what?
1384
00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:02,395
I'm checking your pulse
and I don't think you're fit to read.
1385
00:59:02,472 --> 00:59:04,531
I think you need to come upstairs
and lie down.
1386
00:59:04,607 --> 00:59:09,067
I don't have much more. I'm already on 201
and the chapter ends on 204.
1387
00:59:09,612 --> 00:59:10,840
So that's like three pages.
1388
00:59:10,914 --> 00:59:13,144
- That must be a really good book, then.
- It's good.
1389
00:59:13,216 --> 00:59:15,241
I read fast, babe. I'll
see you in a minute.
1390
00:59:15,318 --> 00:59:17,445
I'll go upstairs, then.
1391
00:59:17,520 --> 00:59:20,080
That's good. This is good...
1392
00:59:21,324 --> 00:59:22,985
Thank you, baby. Wow, wow.
1393
00:59:23,059 --> 00:59:24,754
Those pants have really,
1394
00:59:25,962 --> 00:59:30,160
efficient bun- cupping action.
They're like man- Spanx.
1395
00:59:30,466 --> 00:59:33,492
No, they're not. I just have
a very well- developed lower body.
1396
00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:36,334
- You do. They cup your buns.
- Yeah, well. You're welcome.
1397
00:59:56,793 --> 00:59:59,023
"To the most special person in my life.
1398
00:59:59,095 --> 01:00:02,622
"The words on this page
could never do justice. I love you.
1399
01:00:03,933 --> 01:00:06,902
"Happy Kwanzaa,
my African American queen."
1400
01:00:10,406 --> 01:00:11,600
Paul...
1401
01:00:14,143 --> 01:00:15,405
So close.
1402
01:00:17,347 --> 01:00:19,508
You know, watching the boys
fight for their relationships
1403
01:00:19,582 --> 01:00:21,345
was a great thing to see.
1404
01:00:21,417 --> 01:00:25,217
But it also made me realize that
I hadn't fought for anyone in along time.
1405
01:00:25,288 --> 01:00:27,620
My life was a hard habit to break.
1406
01:00:33,162 --> 01:00:34,254
To masturbation!
1407
01:00:36,265 --> 01:00:37,857
Hey. girls!
1408
01:00:37,934 --> 01:00:39,629
- Oh my God!
- Hi!
1409
01:00:40,069 --> 01:00:41,934
Hon, oh, no, who died? Why are you here?
1410
01:00:42,005 --> 01:00:44,769
Oh, stop it. I figured I'd just drop in
and see how you're doing, you know.
1411
01:00:44,841 --> 01:00:46,570
Catch up on everything. What's going on?
1412
01:00:46,643 --> 01:00:48,702
Oh, my God, how cute. So cute!
1413
01:00:48,778 --> 01:00:51,542
Look at that, see this is exactly,
exactly what I'm talking about.
1414
01:00:51,614 --> 01:00:54,174
It amazes me that you can be
in business with my husband
1415
01:00:54,250 --> 01:00:55,877
and yet none of this rubs off on him.
1416
01:00:55,952 --> 01:00:58,420
But, girls... What's happening?
1417
01:00:58,488 --> 01:01:00,888
Nothing. I just wanted to catch up,
gossip it up a little bit.
1418
01:01:00,957 --> 01:01:02,515
You know, hang out,
spend some time with you.
1419
01:01:02,592 --> 01:01:04,287
Hey, did you watch Mob Wives last night?
1420
01:01:04,360 --> 01:01:05,452
- I totally did!
- Did you see it?
1421
01:01:05,528 --> 01:01:08,554
I used to love Drita, she was my favorite
but Big Ang, she's the best!
1422
01:01:08,631 --> 01:01:10,030
- I couldn't agree more!
- Is she not the best?
1423
01:01:10,099 --> 01:01:11,430
- She is so awesome.
- Absolutely, 100%. Oh, my God.
1424
01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:12,968
- Marty, here, this is for you!
- Thank you, thank you.
1425
01:01:13,036 --> 01:01:15,436
You know what, we're actually just
finishing up, sweetie. So, you know.
1426
01:01:15,505 --> 01:01:17,996
All right,
so what are you guys doing after that?
1427
01:01:18,074 --> 01:01:19,701
Just a ladies day.
1428
01:01:19,776 --> 01:01:21,334
- All right! Great!
- Cheers.
1429
01:01:25,915 --> 01:01:28,247
I swear I needed this more than
you could ever imagine!
1430
01:01:28,818 --> 01:01:33,278
Isn't it amazing how a simple pedicure
will just brighten your whole day?
1431
01:01:33,990 --> 01:01:36,618
Sweetie, my toe has shriveled up
like a prune!
1432
01:01:36,693 --> 01:01:38,854
It looks like E.T.
1433
01:01:38,928 --> 01:01:41,692
E.T. toe home. E.T. toe home.
1434
01:01:46,102 --> 01:01:49,299
Linda and her spiritual journey.
1435
01:01:49,372 --> 01:01:51,863
I'm thinking,
why not be spiritual when you're married?
1436
01:01:51,941 --> 01:01:53,875
You get a divorce and now you're meditating
1437
01:01:53,943 --> 01:01:57,379
and taking trips to a vortex in New Mexico?
1438
01:01:57,447 --> 01:01:58,971
Come on, give me a break.
1439
01:01:59,048 --> 01:02:01,846
Yeah. I didn't trust her husband
when I met him.
1440
01:02:01,918 --> 01:02:05,012
The guy had a weak handshake.
My gut said "cheater" from the get- go.
1441
01:02:06,189 --> 01:02:08,316
Sweets, why are my calves so sensitive?
1442
01:02:08,424 --> 01:02:11,052
It's the only part of my body
I can't take pain in.
1443
01:02:12,261 --> 01:02:13,387
Quiet time.
1444
01:02:14,497 --> 01:02:16,829
- It's just, I don't understand it...
- Babe!
1445
01:02:20,103 --> 01:02:22,970
All right, always cuddle
according to the mood, right?
1446
01:02:23,039 --> 01:02:24,939
There are three stages of the cuddle.
1447
01:02:25,007 --> 01:02:26,907
First of all there's the ''All in."
1448
01:02:26,976 --> 01:02:30,377
That is to be used after a perfect evening
or a post- traumatic fight.
1449
01:02:30,446 --> 01:02:32,937
Then you have the ''I'm Still Here," right?
1450
01:02:33,750 --> 01:02:36,685
A little touch indicating, you know,
that you love them, you care about them,
1451
01:02:36,753 --> 01:02:39,187
but you're tired, but you're still there.
1452
01:02:39,255 --> 01:02:40,688
And then, of course,
you have "The Reverse Spoon,"
1453
01:02:40,757 --> 01:02:43,658
to be avoided at all costs unless
you're absolutely exhausted, all right?
1454
01:02:43,960 --> 01:02:45,985
Listen, I read on Google once
1455
01:02:46,062 --> 01:02:48,724
that cuddling can cut off
the circulation to your heart.
1456
01:02:48,798 --> 01:02:50,129
So I'm not comfortable with all this.
1457
01:02:51,067 --> 01:02:52,659
- Clarissa?
- Yes, okay.
1458
01:02:53,669 --> 01:02:57,070
Here we go. Paul, get down here.
1459
01:02:58,007 --> 01:02:58,996
You wanna try this, don't you?
1460
01:02:59,809 --> 01:03:01,140
Yes! Yeah.
1461
01:03:01,210 --> 01:03:03,405
Wait, what the...
Why does he always get to go first?
1462
01:03:42,084 --> 01:03:43,346
Oh, man, that was...
1463
01:03:43,419 --> 01:03:45,353
Guys, you go home
and hold onto your wives, all right?
1464
01:03:45,421 --> 01:03:47,685
All right, I appreciate it.
I think this really helped.
1465
01:03:47,790 --> 01:03:50,088
But I'm a little sore,
but I think I'm good. Thank you.
1466
01:03:50,159 --> 01:03:51,683
- Okay, all right.
- You're welcome.
1467
01:03:51,794 --> 01:03:54,456
- Talk to you tomorrow. See you guys.
- Thanks. Awesome.
1468
01:03:54,530 --> 01:03:56,657
And Mike, she's gonna love this!
1469
01:03:58,968 --> 01:04:00,765
I think you're doing
something really great here.
1470
01:04:00,837 --> 01:04:02,828
- We shall see.
- Yep.
1471
01:04:02,939 --> 01:04:05,339
Okay. Well, I will see you at the bar.
1472
01:04:05,408 --> 01:04:06,841
- Tomorrow. Yeah.
- Okay.
1473
01:04:06,909 --> 01:04:08,069
All right.
1474
01:04:08,144 --> 01:04:09,975
- Bye. Bye.
- Bye.
1475
01:04:23,359 --> 01:04:25,793
- I'll see you at work.
- Okay. See you at work.
1476
01:04:25,862 --> 01:04:27,762
- Bye. Don't be late.
- Bye. Yeah.
1477
01:04:41,911 --> 01:04:43,435
My beautiful wife...
1478
01:04:43,512 --> 01:04:46,709
- Paul! Spine! Jesus!
- Sorry.
1479
01:04:55,524 --> 01:04:59,620
God, you smell so damn good.
1480
01:05:00,463 --> 01:05:02,897
Paul, that is my jugular.
Please, baby, just go to sleep.
1481
01:05:02,965 --> 01:05:04,057
ok3Y-
1482
01:05:06,502 --> 01:05:08,299
I'm just a little tired.
1483
01:05:08,371 --> 01:05:11,499
Paul. Your penis is in my lower lumbar.
1484
01:05:12,308 --> 01:05:14,469
- It is?
- You're fucking my C7.
1485
01:05:14,944 --> 01:05:16,605
- Is that bad?
- Yes!
1486
01:05:18,247 --> 01:05:19,646
ok3Y-
1487
01:05:26,255 --> 01:05:28,086
Ass to ass? Paul, really?
1488
01:05:28,157 --> 01:05:30,921
- I'm doing my thing.
- Just do it further over there.
1489
01:05:31,027 --> 01:05:34,827
All right, okay, sorry.
I didn't know you were allergic to me.
1490
01:05:36,565 --> 01:05:40,365
Emily's recital is on Saturday.
Do not forget and do not make plans.
1491
01:05:42,605 --> 01:05:45,597
Is that... The recital, that's
in the afternoon, right?
1492
01:05:46,809 --> 01:05:47,833
No.
1493
01:05:51,681 --> 01:05:52,773
Babe,
1494
01:05:54,183 --> 01:05:56,151
that's the night
we're taking the Australians out.
1495
01:05:56,218 --> 01:05:58,277
Somehow they let us back
in the race for this deal.
1496
01:05:58,354 --> 01:06:00,948
I'm sorry. This is the one
1497
01:06:01,023 --> 01:06:03,423
night I cannot miss.
1498
01:06:05,962 --> 01:06:07,657
I know I can close this deal.
1499
01:06:11,300 --> 01:06:13,791
You reminded me about this a lot, right?
1500
01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:22,873
I'm gonna join you, sweets!
1501
01:06:23,412 --> 01:06:26,745
The new me is the old me,
and the old me is back.
1502
01:06:27,316 --> 01:06:29,876
Marty, I don't need the old you.
1503
01:06:29,952 --> 01:06:33,183
- This you is fine.
- Well, maybe just a little bit of him.
1504
01:06:33,622 --> 01:06:35,249
- Yeah, maybe a dash.
- Okay.
1505
01:06:35,324 --> 01:06:36,348
Minus the whole vest thing.
1506
01:06:36,659 --> 01:06:38,650
- You can never be too careful.
- Hey, Marty!
1507
01:06:38,761 --> 01:06:40,626
She got everything but the bike, man.
1508
01:06:41,497 --> 01:06:43,158
The bike's all mine!
1509
01:06:44,033 --> 01:06:46,297
She got everything
but the bike in the settlement.
1510
01:06:46,369 --> 01:06:47,996
- Oh, wow.
- Holy shit.
1511
01:06:48,070 --> 01:06:50,538
She'll try and take this one from me,
but I'm not gonna let her!
1512
01:06:50,639 --> 01:06:53,335
- Yeah, fuck ‘em, Danny.
- Really?
1513
01:06:53,409 --> 01:06:55,639
- I love you guys.
- Love you, too.
1514
01:06:56,178 --> 01:06:58,009
I gotta go. I think
somebody's following me.
1515
01:06:58,414 --> 01:07:00,006
All right, Danny!
1516
01:07:00,549 --> 01:07:02,016
Oh, poor Danny...
1517
01:07:02,118 --> 01:07:04,313
All right, let's go.
Seriously, babe, the vest?
1518
01:07:04,387 --> 01:07:06,719
Hey, does Superman wear a cape? Let's go.
1519
01:07:06,789 --> 01:07:08,552
What, are you helping
kids cross the street? Come on!
1520
01:07:08,624 --> 01:07:09,648
Let's get it in!
1521
01:07:09,725 --> 01:07:11,488
Yeah, let's get it in, Marty. Come on.
1522
01:07:11,560 --> 01:07:13,027
- Give me the old Marty.
- I'm here.
1523
01:07:13,095 --> 01:07:15,086
Yeah! Put it in, baby!
1524
01:07:16,465 --> 01:07:18,456
Shares of Marty went up today
as he learned that
1525
01:07:18,534 --> 01:07:20,900
just showing up in your wife's life
means a lot.
1526
01:07:39,288 --> 01:07:42,155
Things were looking up for Mike,
but let's hope it's not too late.
1527
01:07:42,224 --> 01:07:45,091
His stock was soaring,
and took a downturn this afternoon,
1528
01:07:45,161 --> 01:07:46,253
dropping eight points.
1529
01:07:52,935 --> 01:07:55,768
Hey, baby. Sorry,
I'm gonna be home pretty late, I think.
1530
01:07:56,272 --> 01:07:59,002
- I'll see you later. What's this?
- Your bag.
1531
01:07:59,208 --> 01:08:01,938
- For what? My bag?
- I need you out of the house.
1532
01:08:02,912 --> 01:08:05,710
What are you talking about? Why?
1533
01:08:05,781 --> 01:08:07,806
It's not a yes or no, Paul.
I already talked to Emily.
1534
01:08:07,883 --> 01:08:09,874
I want you out. I need some time.
1535
01:08:09,952 --> 01:08:11,647
We're working this out. I'm fixing this.
1536
01:08:11,720 --> 01:08:13,984
This isn't something
that can be fixed right now.
1537
01:08:15,458 --> 01:08:18,655
Look, I'm sorry
I'm going to miss the recital, okay?
1538
01:08:18,727 --> 01:08:20,922
But this is the biggest
meeting of our lives.
1539
01:08:20,996 --> 01:08:22,224
What do you think
pays the bills around here?
1540
01:08:22,298 --> 01:08:23,925
What do you think puts designer shoes
1541
01:08:23,999 --> 01:08:25,626
and designer bags on you
and all the other shit?
1542
01:08:25,701 --> 01:08:26,690
All the other shit?
1543
01:08:26,769 --> 01:08:28,236
See that's exactly what it is, it's shit.
1544
01:08:28,337 --> 01:08:30,430
- I couldn't give a shit! Look at me!
- What do you want from me?
1545
01:08:30,506 --> 01:08:32,337
What do you want from me?
I'm doing everything I can.
1546
01:08:32,408 --> 01:08:34,000
Something so simple!
Just turn around. Turn around.
1547
01:08:34,076 --> 01:08:35,600
- Turn around?
- Turn around!
1548
01:08:35,711 --> 01:08:37,076
Just do it!
1549
01:08:38,013 --> 01:08:39,708
What color am I wearing?
1550
01:08:40,983 --> 01:08:42,746
Is my hair up or down?
1551
01:08:44,320 --> 01:08:47,084
Did you see Emily
before she left for school this morning?
1552
01:08:47,156 --> 01:08:48,555
Yes.
1553
01:08:48,624 --> 01:08:49,921
What did she have on?
1554
01:08:51,060 --> 01:08:52,254
You know what, I'll make it easy for you.
1555
01:08:52,328 --> 01:08:54,421
Was she wearing pants or shorts?
1556
01:08:54,497 --> 01:08:56,089
Could you see her knees?
1557
01:09:00,603 --> 01:09:02,468
Just come back when you can be here.
1558
01:09:03,572 --> 01:09:04,732
Just...
1559
01:09:06,308 --> 01:09:09,277
And that's how we got here.
1560
01:09:09,345 --> 01:09:10,607
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.
1561
01:09:11,280 --> 01:09:12,406
I'll get a hotel.
1562
01:09:12,915 --> 01:09:15,213
What? No, come in. This is Amy.
1563
01:09:15,985 --> 01:09:17,145
Laura.
1564
01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:19,382
I gotta crash for the night.
1565
01:09:19,989 --> 01:09:21,183
For sure. Come on.
1566
01:09:21,757 --> 01:09:22,815
You okay?
1567
01:09:22,892 --> 01:09:25,918
Let me know if my package gets here.
I had something overnighted.
1568
01:09:27,663 --> 01:09:29,688
Maybe I'd be happier with that and this.
1569
01:09:29,798 --> 01:09:32,596
Maybe I'd be a better father
if I did what you do.
1570
01:09:32,668 --> 01:09:34,385
Oh, no, no, no, no. I
can't let you do this.
1571
01:09:34,398 --> 01:09:36,126
The single life
is not for you.
1572
01:09:36,405 --> 01:09:37,531
Two weeks in the single life
1573
01:09:37,606 --> 01:09:39,938
and you'd end up in the ER
with all kinds of shit.
1574
01:09:40,009 --> 01:09:42,307
You'd be limping for no reason.
1575
01:09:42,611 --> 01:09:44,135
No way, my friend.
1576
01:09:44,213 --> 01:09:45,339
This life is not for you.
1577
01:09:45,414 --> 01:09:48,144
You got nobody to stress you out
when you walk in the door.
1578
01:09:48,217 --> 01:09:51,084
You know, you got nobody to point out
your flaws on a daily basis.
1579
01:09:51,153 --> 01:09:52,347
No one.
1580
01:09:53,923 --> 01:09:55,481
Not for you, buddy.
1581
01:09:56,625 --> 01:09:57,853
Not for you.
1582
01:10:51,747 --> 01:10:53,612
Hey. How'd you sleep?
1583
01:10:53,682 --> 01:10:54,944
I didn't.
1584
01:10:55,050 --> 01:10:56,074
I don't know, Mike.
1585
01:10:56,151 --> 01:10:58,915
Maybe I just need more time
on this side of the fence.
1586
01:10:58,988 --> 01:11:00,387
- Really?
- I think so.
1587
01:11:00,556 --> 01:11:02,956
No, maybe you're right.
I mean, my life is great.
1588
01:11:03,025 --> 01:11:06,654
You know, I have no one to nag me,
no one to tell me where to be at any time.
1589
01:11:06,996 --> 01:11:08,020
Exactly.
1590
01:11:08,097 --> 01:11:10,588
I also don't have a beautiful
little daughter to run into my arms
1591
01:11:10,666 --> 01:11:13,191
and tell me how much she loves me
at the end of a hard day's work.
1592
01:11:13,402 --> 01:11:16,667
Or a wife who's going stand by my side,
God forbid something happens to me.
1593
01:11:16,772 --> 01:11:17,796
So when you say to me, "Mike,
1594
01:11:18,173 --> 01:11:20,505
"your life is great, man,
you don't have any strings.
1595
01:11:20,576 --> 01:11:23,568
"You have no one to hassle you,
you have no one to worry about."
1596
01:11:24,213 --> 01:11:25,305
You're right. I don't.
1597
01:11:27,750 --> 01:11:31,811
Also in my crazy, frenetic life
that you're so in awe of...
1598
01:11:32,755 --> 01:11:34,848
I've been late on three payments to the bar
1599
01:11:34,957 --> 01:11:38,256
and they're threatening to file suit
if I don't pay six months in advance,
1600
01:11:38,327 --> 01:11:39,316
which I don't have.
1601
01:11:39,628 --> 01:11:41,425
- Whoa! I didn't know that.
- No, no, no.
1602
01:11:41,497 --> 01:11:43,795
It's fine. It's my life.
I'll take care of it. But...
1603
01:11:45,234 --> 01:11:47,168
Please don't leave my sister alone.
1604
01:11:47,236 --> 01:11:49,101
You don't want my life.
1605
01:11:58,981 --> 01:12:00,141
You look good.
1606
01:12:00,215 --> 01:12:01,876
Yeah, I feel good.
1607
01:12:01,950 --> 01:12:05,078
Today I peed standing up
and remembered to take my pills.
1608
01:12:05,154 --> 01:12:06,143
It was a big day around here.
1609
01:12:07,823 --> 01:12:10,951
You look a little tired. Are you all right?
1610
01:12:12,494 --> 01:12:16,157
- You and Mom had a good thing, right?
- Yeah.
1611
01:12:17,066 --> 01:12:18,761
How'd you make that work for so long?
1612
01:12:19,101 --> 01:12:20,534
I kept my mouth shut,
1613
01:12:20,602 --> 01:12:23,571
I agreed with everything she said
and I slept around a little bit.
1614
01:12:23,639 --> 01:12:25,504
- Dad!
" "1 Joking_
1615
01:12:25,574 --> 01:12:28,509
I just think Paul is
screwing up on purpose.
1616
01:12:29,445 --> 01:12:32,209
Well, Carlin said it best, I think.
1617
01:12:32,281 --> 01:12:34,249
"Men are stupid. Women are crazy."
1618
01:12:34,516 --> 01:12:36,143
That's what you got for me?
1619
01:12:36,218 --> 01:12:38,083
"Men are stupid, women are crazy"?
1620
01:12:38,721 --> 01:12:40,086
Listen, sweetheart,
1621
01:12:41,924 --> 01:12:43,789
I'm sure Paul's going
to do the right thing.
1622
01:12:44,660 --> 01:12:45,957
I'm sure he will.
1623
01:12:48,263 --> 01:12:50,629
Mike, I'm telling you. I can't tell
you how much I appreciate this.
1624
01:12:50,699 --> 01:12:52,166
My pleasure, I got you covered.
1625
01:12:52,234 --> 01:12:54,293
Your boys are gonna, they're going to
pay double for your company
1626
01:12:54,370 --> 01:12:55,667
by the time I'm done with them.
1627
01:12:55,738 --> 01:12:58,298
We got girls, we got alcohol,
Clarissa is bringing some of her friends.
1628
01:12:58,374 --> 01:12:59,898
Good, good, good, good. All right, good.
1629
01:12:59,975 --> 01:13:01,704
- Yo, yo, yo, Mikey G.
- Hey, how are you?
1630
01:13:01,777 --> 01:13:04,007
- How you doing, guys?
- Good, good, good, good.
1631
01:13:05,581 --> 01:13:08,141
I'll give you some dough,
give you some dough.
1632
01:13:08,851 --> 01:13:10,876
Noah tells me you have
some businessmen coming
1633
01:13:10,953 --> 01:13:12,887
and we are to ensure their good time.
1634
01:13:12,955 --> 01:13:15,685
Yeah. Every 24 minutes,
send over a new girl to socialize.
1635
01:13:15,758 --> 01:13:18,158
I want to keep them distracted yet focused.
1636
01:13:18,227 --> 01:13:19,819
Damn, Tara, you look good.
1637
01:13:19,928 --> 01:13:22,692
How's the ex and the dog situation going?
1638
01:13:22,765 --> 01:13:24,733
- Lost the ex, kept the dog.
- Good.
1639
01:13:24,800 --> 01:13:27,394
Three bottles of vodka,
and send over a bottle of Don Julio
1640
01:13:27,469 --> 01:13:28,629
to step up the imagination.
1641
01:13:28,704 --> 01:13:29,898
- All right? Good.
- You got it.
1642
01:13:30,372 --> 01:13:32,067
You're like an orchestra conductor.
1643
01:13:32,141 --> 01:13:33,870
Yes. That I am.
1644
01:13:34,243 --> 01:13:38,179
I think of you as someone to,
Someone to
1645
01:13:38,814 --> 01:13:40,679
Carry me through
1646
01:13:41,216 --> 01:13:45,243
Hold me through
1647
01:14:05,441 --> 01:14:07,068
That's Samuel's granddaughter.
1648
01:14:07,776 --> 01:14:12,008
My grandson's a scientist,
and his sister is a doctor.
1649
01:14:13,115 --> 01:14:16,949
Who cares? When are you
going to treat me like a bad girl?
1650
01:14:18,253 --> 01:14:21,051
It takes a concert to get you
to take me on a date?
1651
01:14:21,123 --> 01:14:22,715
Who said this is a date?
1652
01:14:22,791 --> 01:14:24,315
I'm a lesbian.
1653
01:14:24,393 --> 01:14:27,521
Get over it. You're almost dead.
Try something new.
1654
01:14:30,265 --> 01:14:31,857
Excuse me, guys.
1655
01:14:39,341 --> 01:14:41,172
You think flowers are going to fix this?
1656
01:14:41,276 --> 01:14:44,268
This is actually for Emily, not you. But...
1657
01:14:44,346 --> 01:14:46,974
I'm going to do whatever
it takes to fix this, and you know why?
1658
01:14:47,049 --> 01:14:49,017
Because I love you.
1659
01:14:49,418 --> 01:14:50,783
Hydraineas.
1660
01:14:51,220 --> 01:14:52,585
Hydrangeas.
1661
01:14:52,654 --> 01:14:54,212
Hydran... No, these are... Well.
1662
01:14:54,289 --> 01:14:57,656
You say... That's the French way.
I say it the Latin way.
1663
01:15:00,195 --> 01:15:02,220
You see that? That's for you.
1664
01:15:02,664 --> 01:15:04,359
You hold onto that for me.
1665
01:15:15,711 --> 01:15:17,235
It's good to see you, Marty.
1666
01:15:17,312 --> 01:15:19,371
You made quite the impression
the other night.
1667
01:15:19,448 --> 01:15:22,008
Well, I appreciate you guys coming out
for a drink this evening.
1668
01:15:22,084 --> 01:15:24,382
Well, it's not every day
you get scolded in a strip club.
1669
01:15:24,453 --> 01:15:26,045
I thought it was quite
an original approach.
1670
01:15:26,121 --> 01:15:27,952
As a matter of fact,
it's the first time it's ever happened.
1671
01:15:28,023 --> 01:15:29,581
Yeah, well a lot was going on that night.
1672
01:15:29,658 --> 01:15:31,649
I was on antibiotics
and I had an allergic reaction
1673
01:15:31,727 --> 01:15:32,819
to something I drank.
1674
01:15:32,895 --> 01:15:35,295
Plus those strobe lights.
It's true that they make you crazy.
1675
01:15:35,364 --> 01:15:37,594
I'm lucky
the whole thing didn't turn into a seizure.
1676
01:15:37,666 --> 01:15:38,758
This is my friend Mike,
1677
01:15:38,834 --> 01:15:41,598
and he's going to hopefully make us feel
like that night never even happened.
1678
01:15:41,670 --> 01:15:42,830
How are you? Nice to see you guys.
1679
01:15:42,905 --> 01:15:45,203
We're gonna have fun tonight.
I'd like you to meet some of my friends.
1680
01:15:45,274 --> 01:15:48,732
Janine, Elaina, Suzie and Sarah,
each and every one a virgin.
1681
01:15:50,445 --> 01:15:51,469
I like him already.
1682
01:15:51,547 --> 01:15:53,606
Every bunch needs a wrangler.
Cheers, Mike.
1683
01:15:53,682 --> 01:15:55,115
Yeah, Mike's the best in the city.
1684
01:15:55,284 --> 01:15:56,979
- That's right.
- Sit down, guys, let's have some fun.
1685
01:15:57,052 --> 01:15:59,111
- What are you drinking?
- Vodka for me.
1686
01:16:02,624 --> 01:16:05,115
Hey, you ever have that shooting pain
that starts in your neck
1687
01:16:05,193 --> 01:16:06,319
and goes to your head?
1688
01:16:06,395 --> 01:16:07,623
Hey-
1689
01:16:09,064 --> 01:16:10,190
You brought a date.
1690
01:16:10,766 --> 01:16:12,597
- Josh.
- Hey, Josh, how are you?
1691
01:16:13,468 --> 01:16:14,696
Four girls not enough for you, player?
1692
01:16:15,671 --> 01:16:16,831
Player?
1693
01:16:18,073 --> 01:16:19,768
We'll be out on the dance floor.
1694
01:16:23,345 --> 01:16:25,438
Sorry, we're... Champagne?
1695
01:16:25,514 --> 01:16:26,674
- Want some champagne?
- Yeah.
1696
01:16:26,782 --> 01:16:28,545
- No! Don't cork me! Don't cork me!
- Oh, oh, oh!
1697
01:16:28,617 --> 01:16:30,517
Look out, Marty! Look out, Marty!
1698
01:16:30,586 --> 01:16:32,349
Whoa! Here we go.
1699
01:16:32,921 --> 01:16:34,149
Let's get some glasses!
1700
01:16:37,960 --> 01:16:40,758
Listen, again,
I want to apologize about the other night.
1701
01:16:40,829 --> 01:16:42,319
I'm sorry about the rugby stuff,
1702
01:16:42,431 --> 01:16:44,160
and I know you guys
come from a tough culture.
1703
01:16:44,366 --> 01:16:46,163
I mean, look at me,
I'm just a Jew from Long Island.
1704
01:16:46,234 --> 01:16:47,394
Not a tough culture.
1705
01:16:48,136 --> 01:16:49,831
I was just blowing off some steam,
you know,
1706
01:16:49,905 --> 01:16:50,997
I had one too many happy drinks.
1707
01:16:51,340 --> 01:16:53,331
Don't sweat it, Marty. It's all business.
1708
01:16:53,408 --> 01:16:56,935
We're just going to figure out our next
move and see if you'|| be part of it.
1709
01:16:57,479 --> 01:17:00,175
Well, I hope so. And for what it's worth,
I think we'd be a great fit.
1710
01:17:00,248 --> 01:17:03,308
I know we'd work hard by you guys
and try to do the best we can.
1711
01:17:03,385 --> 01:17:05,853
Yeah, for what it's worth,
I've known this guy since he was a kid.
1712
01:17:05,921 --> 01:17:07,047
He's a good man right here.
1713
01:17:07,122 --> 01:17:09,647
We're gonna switch him to decaf
happy drinks, but he's a good man.
1714
01:17:09,725 --> 01:17:10,817
Cheers.
1715
01:17:10,926 --> 01:17:12,393
And now, Paul couldn't make it, no?
1716
01:17:12,728 --> 01:17:15,390
Well, he might come,
he might not come. I'm not sure yet.
1717
01:17:15,464 --> 01:17:17,295
But I'm here. And Mike's here.
1718
01:17:17,733 --> 01:17:19,360
- And you know, so is she.
- And so is she.
1719
01:17:20,202 --> 01:17:21,226
More champagne!
1720
01:17:22,070 --> 01:17:24,937
- My granddaughter is a star.
- Yes, she is.
1721
01:17:25,207 --> 01:17:27,198
Emily, you were amazing.
1722
01:17:27,876 --> 01:17:29,366
Thanks, Grandpa.
1723
01:17:29,911 --> 01:17:32,243
Now don't be such strangers, you two.
1724
01:17:32,314 --> 01:17:36,341
I know my son- in- law, Mr. Big Shot
with the work and travel and...
1725
01:17:36,451 --> 01:17:37,475
I got it.
1726
01:17:37,953 --> 01:17:40,353
You got it? Or you get it?
1727
01:17:41,089 --> 01:17:42,386
I get it.
1728
01:17:44,726 --> 01:17:48,253
Babe, here. You take this.
1729
01:17:49,731 --> 01:17:51,289
Go sell your company.
1730
01:17:52,768 --> 01:17:53,962
- Really?
- Go.
1731
01:17:54,336 --> 01:17:57,237
Okay, only because you're telling me to.
And duty calls.
1732
01:17:57,305 --> 01:17:59,068
And I will see you guys...
1733
01:17:59,508 --> 01:18:02,500
Love you, okay.
Good job, you know, raising her.
1734
01:18:02,944 --> 01:18:05,913
And you, you're my life.
You know that, right?
1735
01:18:05,981 --> 01:18:07,915
- And you were amazing, you know that.
- Love you, Dad.
1736
01:18:07,983 --> 01:18:09,575
And I take full credit for all your talent.
1737
01:18:09,651 --> 01:18:11,881
- You know that as well. Bye. Okay.
- I love you so much.
1738
01:18:13,221 --> 01:18:15,382
Great! You gotta kind of...
1739
01:18:15,457 --> 01:18:17,288
Even though...
1740
01:18:17,359 --> 01:18:19,884
- But still, there's a whole...
- I know. I know.
1741
01:18:25,634 --> 01:18:26,623
Hey-
1742
01:18:31,440 --> 01:18:33,203
Clarissa? Can I...
1743
01:18:36,712 --> 01:18:39,579
Hi. Can I ask you a quick question?
1744
01:18:40,682 --> 01:18:43,651
Is there any reason
why you brought this asshole down here
1745
01:18:43,719 --> 01:18:45,346
when you knew
how important this meeting was?
1746
01:18:45,420 --> 01:18:49,652
Why would you call him an asshole
and who is this important meeting for?
1747
01:18:50,459 --> 01:18:51,483
My friends.
1748
01:18:52,661 --> 01:18:55,721
Well, maybe you need to start
doing things for yourself
1749
01:18:55,797 --> 01:18:57,788
and not your friends as much.
1750
01:18:57,866 --> 01:19:00,460
Don't you think your life
and your business could use a little help?
1751
01:19:00,836 --> 01:19:02,531
Where is this coming from?
What are you talking about?
1752
01:19:02,604 --> 01:19:05,198
I simply called you,
asked you to come down by yourself,
1753
01:19:05,273 --> 01:19:06,934
maybe bring a couple of girls, you know,
1754
01:19:07,008 --> 01:19:09,203
I wanted to have
an impressive night for my boys.
1755
01:19:09,277 --> 01:19:13,714
Yeah, don't worry, your image of Cool Mike
will not be tarnished.
1756
01:19:13,782 --> 01:19:16,080
You're still the player
that everyone needs to live through.
1757
01:19:18,754 --> 01:19:21,689
Well, Clarissa, maybe,
maybe I don't want to be that guy anymore.
1758
01:19:22,758 --> 01:19:24,453
Really?
1759
01:19:24,526 --> 01:19:27,222
Because I came by to say hi the other day,
1760
01:19:27,295 --> 01:19:30,822
and that same girl was leaving
in the middle of the day!
1761
01:19:31,633 --> 01:19:32,964
What, Lexi?
1762
01:19:33,835 --> 01:19:35,234
She was just returning my jersey!
1763
01:19:36,671 --> 01:19:37,933
Is that what you call it?
1764
01:19:38,373 --> 01:19:40,273
Because you have a name for everything.
1765
01:19:40,342 --> 01:19:43,607
What is that, "The Jersey Return"?
Is that what it's called?
1766
01:19:43,678 --> 01:19:44,667
You got a problem?
1767
01:19:45,714 --> 01:19:48,114
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I do have a problem.
1768
01:19:48,416 --> 01:19:50,441
Yeah, obviously, I see you waving at me
like some kind of pansy.
1769
01:19:50,719 --> 01:19:51,811
- Get the fuck outta my face.
- All right.
1770
01:19:51,887 --> 01:19:55,846
Look, I'm done! I'm outta here.
Goodbye. Go fuck yourselves.
1771
01:19:57,993 --> 01:19:59,585
Good one, Don Juan!
1772
01:19:59,661 --> 01:20:01,686
Real romantic, Casanova.
1773
01:20:01,763 --> 01:20:02,752
Fuck off!
1774
01:20:21,316 --> 01:20:23,341
Go make yourself a drink.
1775
01:20:29,624 --> 01:20:31,524
Excuse me? Young lady, excuse me?
1776
01:20:31,726 --> 01:20:33,523
- That's our drink.
- Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
1777
01:20:33,595 --> 01:20:35,495
- It's cool, right?
- No, actually, it's not cool.
1778
01:20:35,564 --> 01:20:37,395
This is our table, and this is our alcohol,
1779
01:20:37,465 --> 01:20:39,330
so if you'd like to have a drink,
1780
01:20:39,401 --> 01:20:41,164
maybe she should go to the bar, right?
1781
01:20:41,636 --> 01:20:43,433
Okay? Thanks. Got it?
1782
01:20:43,905 --> 01:20:44,963
I don't really think I got it.
1783
01:20:45,340 --> 01:20:46,898
Come here, let me explain it to you.
1784
01:20:46,975 --> 01:20:49,341
See, this is our table, right?
1785
01:20:49,477 --> 01:20:50,910
And we paid a lot of money for it,
1786
01:20:50,979 --> 01:20:52,674
so if you want a drink
or your friends want a drink,
1787
01:20:52,747 --> 01:20:53,736
have them go to the bar.
1788
01:20:53,815 --> 01:20:54,873
It's just a drink, dog.
1789
01:20:54,950 --> 01:20:58,044
No, it's not just a drink.
It's our drinks, right?
1790
01:20:58,119 --> 01:20:59,814
And that's our table that we paid for.
1791
01:20:59,888 --> 01:21:02,914
So, if you and your guest want alcohol,
go to the fucking bar.
1792
01:21:04,025 --> 01:21:05,014
That is weak, chief.
1793
01:21:05,660 --> 01:21:07,594
- Excuse me?
- Relax, captain.
1794
01:21:07,662 --> 01:21:10,130
All right, you know what, if you call me
one more name that isn't mine,
1795
01:21:10,198 --> 01:21:12,029
- I'm gonna fuck you up.
- You're gonna fuck me up?
1796
01:21:12,100 --> 01:21:13,089
Yeah.
1797
01:21:14,636 --> 01:21:16,263
This fucking guy, huh?
1798
01:21:18,940 --> 01:21:19,998
What's going on?
1799
01:21:20,675 --> 01:21:21,733
What's up?
1800
01:21:22,844 --> 01:21:24,277
Hell. guys. Miss me?
1801
01:21:24,713 --> 01:21:26,146
- Paul, you made it!
- Yeah.
1802
01:21:26,481 --> 01:21:28,278
Looks like you got
all your girlfriends now, huh?
1803
01:21:28,550 --> 01:21:30,780
You know what,
you called me a lot of names today,
1804
01:21:30,852 --> 01:21:32,251
but there's one that you forgot.
1805
01:21:32,320 --> 01:21:33,412
- What's that?
- It's...
1806
01:21:59,681 --> 01:22:01,205
I'm sorry, guys.
1807
01:22:02,517 --> 01:22:04,542
- They didn't say anything?
- No, they didn't say anything.
1808
01:22:04,619 --> 01:22:07,019
- They just walked out?
- They just walked out.
1809
01:22:09,024 --> 01:22:10,616
Fuck.
1810
01:22:59,307 --> 01:23:00,365
Hello.
1811
01:23:01,977 --> 01:23:03,035
Hi.
1812
01:23:03,812 --> 01:23:04,904
ok3Y-
1813
01:23:05,947 --> 01:23:07,005
Wow.
1814
01:23:10,318 --> 01:23:12,411
You think you could pay attention to this?
1815
01:23:13,188 --> 01:23:15,315
I think for the rest of my life, yeah.
1816
01:23:18,460 --> 01:23:19,984
I love you.
1817
01:23:22,163 --> 01:23:23,630
I love you, too.
1818
01:23:25,500 --> 01:23:27,400
You're my fantasy.
1819
01:23:27,469 --> 01:23:30,165
Did I tell you that? No?
1820
01:23:39,581 --> 01:23:40,775
ok3Y-
1821
01:23:40,849 --> 01:23:42,077
- Babe?
- Yeah?
1822
01:23:42,150 --> 01:23:44,448
You just did something to your back,
didn't you?
1823
01:23:44,519 --> 01:23:45,816
I've done a little something. Yes.
1824
01:23:45,887 --> 01:23:49,254
There is some Aleve right here
in this drawer next to me.
1825
01:23:49,324 --> 01:23:50,814
Really?
1826
01:23:50,892 --> 01:23:52,018
- Do you want me to...
- No.
1827
01:23:52,093 --> 01:23:54,493
I'll get it as soon as
I can make a full rotation.
1828
01:23:54,562 --> 01:23:56,462
In the mean time,
I think I'm just going to kiss you.
1829
01:23:56,531 --> 01:23:57,964
In this position.
1830
01:24:10,311 --> 01:24:11,369
Hey-
1831
01:24:11,913 --> 01:24:12,937
Listen, I'm sorry.
1832
01:24:13,248 --> 01:24:15,352
It's too late. I just came to
get my check and that's that.
1833
01:24:15,365 --> 01:24:17,480
We don't need
to discuss it.
1834
01:24:17,552 --> 01:24:18,712
Clarissa, listen to me, hear me out.
1835
01:24:19,120 --> 01:24:22,180
- I completely...
- Mike, stop!
1836
01:24:22,257 --> 01:24:23,281
Trust me, this is for the best.
1837
01:24:23,358 --> 01:24:26,350
We can't work together and have this
tension and pretend that we don't...
1838
01:24:28,396 --> 01:24:30,489
It's too much. I'm sorry.
1839
01:24:30,565 --> 01:24:31,862
I admit it, Clarissa. I admit it.
1840
01:24:31,933 --> 01:24:33,924
I was immature, what I did at the club.
It was stupid.
1841
01:24:34,002 --> 01:24:36,527
You're in your 40s.
Who still fights in their 40s?
1842
01:24:36,938 --> 01:24:38,405
Well, George Foreman made a comeback.
1843
01:24:38,473 --> 01:24:40,873
It's not a joke to me! It's not. Okay?
1844
01:24:41,576 --> 01:24:44,511
I'm outta here.
And good luck with this place.
1845
01:24:44,913 --> 01:24:48,144
I hope you save it.
A lot of people will miss it if you don't.
1846
01:25:00,261 --> 01:25:02,286
Hey, what's up? What's the emergency?
1847
01:25:03,832 --> 01:25:06,767
- You ruined the deal, Mike.
- You fucked us good, Mike.
1848
01:25:06,835 --> 01:25:08,735
- I mean you fucked up!
- Fuck.
1849
01:25:08,803 --> 01:25:10,862
Damn, I'm sorry. You know what,
I knew I shouldn't have taken...
1850
01:25:10,939 --> 01:25:11,928
Mike, we're kidding.
1851
01:25:12,674 --> 01:25:15,006
The Australians called this morning.
The deal's done.
1852
01:25:15,076 --> 01:25:16,134
We closed the deal!
1853
01:25:16,244 --> 01:25:19,270
Your two best friends
just sold their company for real money!
1854
01:25:19,347 --> 01:25:20,678
Fuck, yeah!
1855
01:25:22,217 --> 01:25:24,378
I told you the Australians like
that rough- and- tumble stuff.
1856
01:25:24,452 --> 01:25:25,976
And I told you they were maniacs.
1857
01:25:28,156 --> 01:25:29,783
You wanna give it to him, or should I?
1858
01:25:29,858 --> 01:25:31,189
You do it.
1859
01:25:31,392 --> 01:25:33,223
No, let me do it. No, you do it.
1860
01:25:33,294 --> 01:25:34,318
What?
1861
01:25:35,230 --> 01:25:36,595
Hey, Mike...
1862
01:25:37,499 --> 01:25:38,864
Thank you, for real.
1863
01:25:43,271 --> 01:25:44,295
What is this, hush money?
1864
01:25:44,839 --> 01:25:46,067
No.
1865
01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:49,338
That's "We're fine,
now go take care of your own life" money.
1866
01:25:49,978 --> 01:25:51,172
Seriously, Mike, we're good.
1867
01:25:51,646 --> 01:25:54,308
Go take your own advice.
Everything's great at home with us.
1868
01:25:54,415 --> 01:25:56,315
Lianne's cuddling me so much,
1869
01:25:56,384 --> 01:25:58,249
I pulled my shoulder
out of the socket the other night.
1870
01:25:58,319 --> 01:25:59,479
- Guys, I can't take your money.
- Mike.
1871
01:25:59,554 --> 01:26:00,646
- I'm all right. I'm all right.
- Mike.
1872
01:26:00,922 --> 01:26:03,186
Go handle your business. Seriously.
1873
01:26:04,359 --> 01:26:05,758
Thank you. gulls-
1874
01:26:06,261 --> 01:26:07,421
Thank you.
1875
01:26:14,269 --> 01:26:16,066
Sometimes immaturity can work for you.
1876
01:26:16,137 --> 01:26:19,038
Goldbam co- founders incite a riot in a club
1877
01:26:19,107 --> 01:26:22,599
and the result is
the biggest sale in marketing history.
1878
01:26:23,244 --> 01:26:25,838
I'm gonna buy, like, that section.
1879
01:26:25,914 --> 01:26:28,883
All right, that's cool.
I'm going to buy Tribeca and the Knicks.
1880
01:26:28,950 --> 01:26:31,544
Okay, that sounds good.
I'll take Soho and the Giants.
1881
01:26:31,619 --> 01:26:33,985
Fuck it. I'm gonna buy
the Bronx Zoo and free the monkeys.
1882
01:26:34,055 --> 01:26:36,990
Hey, that's good. Yeah, man.
1883
01:26:37,058 --> 01:26:38,719
- What am I gonna do?
- What are you gonna do, man?
1884
01:26:38,793 --> 01:26:41,261
I'm gonna have an eagle, and an entourage.
1885
01:26:41,329 --> 01:26:43,058
That's cool. I'm gonna have a helicopter.
1886
01:26:43,131 --> 01:26:44,928
- Yeah?
- And I'm gonna just fly into the city.
1887
01:26:45,033 --> 01:26:47,001
And I'm just gonna, like,
land on Sixth Avenue.
1888
01:26:47,068 --> 01:26:48,228
Fuck it. Every day.
1889
01:26:48,303 --> 01:26:50,100
Give me your helicopter phone number.
1890
01:26:50,171 --> 01:26:51,832
And I'm gonna buy
Derek Jeter's phone book.
1891
01:26:51,906 --> 01:26:53,737
I might start wearing a cape.
1892
01:26:54,209 --> 01:26:55,733
- Fuck it. Why not?
- Yeah.
1893
01:26:56,477 --> 01:26:59,469
Hi, Clarissa, it's me, Mike. And...
1894
01:27:00,181 --> 01:27:02,115
I'll try to make this brief because...
1895
01:27:02,183 --> 01:27:04,447
I'm not really good
at this type of thing, but...
1896
01:27:07,522 --> 01:27:09,922
Well, Clarissa you blindsided me.
And it's all your fault.
1897
01:27:10,425 --> 01:27:12,450
Shit, that didn't come out right.
1898
01:27:12,527 --> 01:27:15,291
I think what I mean to say is that...
1899
01:27:15,363 --> 01:27:19,459
That I have feelings for you,
and it's pissing me off.
1900
01:27:20,501 --> 01:27:22,992
Sorry, that's... That's not right either.
1901
01:27:23,071 --> 01:27:25,266
I think... I just...
1902
01:27:26,074 --> 01:27:29,168
I've never felt this before. And...
1903
01:27:30,678 --> 01:27:34,114
I don't know how to react.
I don't know what to do.
1904
01:27:34,182 --> 01:27:37,447
I think what I'm trying to say is that I
haven't had these feelings in a long time,
1905
01:27:37,518 --> 01:27:40,715
and I'm trying to make sense out of it.
1906
01:27:40,788 --> 01:27:42,756
But it's sort of throwing my game off.
1907
01:27:42,824 --> 01:27:44,985
You know, I mean,
not that I'm playing games, because
1908
01:27:45,059 --> 01:27:48,426
that would be like, fuck, I mean, shit...
I mean, fuck, sorry,
1909
01:27:48,496 --> 01:27:51,829
I shouldn't cuss on your thing. But...
1910
01:27:53,334 --> 01:27:55,700
All right, I guess,
what I am trying to say is that...
1911
01:27:55,770 --> 01:27:58,000
Listen, we're having this party,
1912
01:27:58,106 --> 01:28:02,907
celebration at the bar tonight
and things are going really well,
1913
01:28:02,977 --> 01:28:04,376
and it's sort of like a grand re- opening.
1914
01:28:04,445 --> 01:28:05,742
And I would love it if you would come,
1915
01:28:05,813 --> 01:28:07,838
and if you don't come, I totally understand
1916
01:28:07,915 --> 01:28:09,439
but it would be great if you come because
1917
01:28:09,517 --> 01:28:10,870
I think that I'm falling
in love with you...
1918
01:28:10,883 --> 01:28:12,247
Fuck! I mean...
1919
01:28:13,388 --> 01:28:15,913
Shit, fuck, sorry. I...
1920
01:28:15,990 --> 01:28:17,651
This is Mike, bye.
1921
01:28:19,694 --> 01:28:21,423
This is New York City,
1922
01:28:21,496 --> 01:28:23,521
the most populous city
in the United States.
1923
01:28:23,598 --> 01:28:25,657
8.2 million people,
1924
01:28:25,733 --> 01:28:28,566
4. 72 million people of which are married.
1925
01:28:28,636 --> 01:28:31,070
One of which is not me. Why?
1926
01:28:31,606 --> 01:28:33,130
Ask somebody else.
1927
01:28:38,146 --> 01:28:41,047
Well, I'm going to sing a song that
1928
01:28:41,115 --> 01:28:43,379
I loved as a kid by REO Speedwagon, and...
1929
01:28:44,519 --> 01:28:46,248
I guess, sis, this is for you.
1930
01:28:47,522 --> 01:28:49,080
And for you, Lianne.
1931
01:28:50,391 --> 01:28:51,653
And all my friends out there.
1932
01:28:52,760 --> 01:28:54,421
And a little bit for myself.
1933
01:29:17,518 --> 01:29:18,951
Can I just say something first, if! may?
1934
01:29:21,689 --> 01:29:24,852
A few days ago we all went to a comedy club
1935
01:29:24,992 --> 01:29:28,860
and this comic said something that...
It was so simple and so perfect,
1936
01:29:28,930 --> 01:29:31,728
but I haven't been able to forget it.
1937
01:29:32,734 --> 01:29:34,565
He said, "Love the flaws.''
1938
01:29:36,270 --> 01:29:37,931
Just love the flaws.
1939
01:29:40,007 --> 01:29:42,271
And if you're lucky enough to find love,
1940
01:29:42,410 --> 01:29:44,401
and you know when it hits you, because
1941
01:29:45,313 --> 01:29:46,678
it knocks you on your ass,
1942
01:29:49,083 --> 01:29:50,277
you have to respect it.
1943
01:29:50,985 --> 01:29:52,714
You have to cherish it.
1944
01:29:53,621 --> 01:29:56,215
And you have to fight for it.
Fight through it.
1945
01:29:57,859 --> 01:29:59,588
And maybe even have a
little fun on the ride.
1946
01:30:02,663 --> 01:30:04,255
I think that's what I learned.
1947
01:30:05,199 --> 01:30:06,666
I hope it's not too late.
1948
01:30:10,505 --> 01:30:14,635
So you figured that you've got it
All figured out
1949
01:30:15,410 --> 01:30:21,280
He's a sweet- talking stud
who can melt a girl's heart with his pout
1950
01:30:21,649 --> 01:30:22,809
All right, Mike.
1951
01:30:22,884 --> 01:30:26,615
He's the kind of lover
that the ladies dream about
1952
01:30:26,687 --> 01:30:29,247
Oh, yes, he is
1953
01:30:29,323 --> 01:30:34,317
He's got plenty of cash
He's got plenty of friends
1954
01:30:34,395 --> 01:30:41,198
He drives women wild
And he drives off in a Mercedes- Benz
1955
01:30:41,269 --> 01:30:47,174
He's got a long wick
With a flame at both ends
1956
01:30:47,241 --> 01:30:51,940
But don't let him go
1957
01:30:52,013 --> 01:30:56,609
Just give him a chance to grow
1958
01:30:56,684 --> 01:31:01,519
Take it easy, take it slow
But don't let him go
1959
01:31:01,589 --> 01:31:03,523
Don't let him go
1960
01:31:08,963 --> 01:31:11,022
Don't let him go
1961
01:31:13,668 --> 01:31:16,466
Don't let him go
1962
01:31:18,406 --> 01:31:20,237
Don't let him go
1963
01:31:24,078 --> 01:31:25,875
Shares of marriage went up this week
1964
01:31:25,947 --> 01:31:28,507
as couples everywhere
learned that loving the flaws
1965
01:31:28,583 --> 01:31:30,483
may be the answer they
were all looking for.
1966
01:32:19,367 --> 01:32:22,427
Fortunately for you,
there is only three, three paths.
1967
01:32:22,970 --> 01:32:24,597
Hers, yours.
1968
01:32:25,439 --> 01:32:27,304
and yours and hers together.
1969
01:32:27,675 --> 01:32:30,075
See? There, there it is!
I've been path- fucked!
1970
01:32:30,978 --> 01:32:33,173
What kind of thing is that to say out loud?
1971
01:32:33,614 --> 01:32:34,774
Sorry.
158558
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