All language subtitles for Carry On - 21 - Carry On Henry

Oh, come on. What's keeping her?

You know the Queen, sire.
Never on time for anything.

Well, this is the last time
she'll keep me waiting.

Yes, indeed, sire. Unless she's
late for her own funeral. Ha, ha.

Oh, blimey, what a time to
have one of her throats.

She always was a
weakly woman, sire.

You're telling me. Once weekly.

Every time I felt
like it, it was, "Not

tonight, dear. I've
got a headache."

No wonder Your Majesty did
not consummate the marriage.

Yeah, marvellous, innit?

After six months of
married life, the

only thing I'm having
off is her head.

♪ Trumpet fanfare ♪

Nice day for it, Your Majesty.

Hardly any wind.

- Good crowd, too.
- Thank you, my Lord Cardinal.

But I feel we can dispense
with the commentary.

♪ Drum roll ♪

I can manage, thank you, Cardinal.

I don't want you to trip
and hurt yourself, madam.

♪ Drum roll ♪

Come on, then.

Do you, Henry, take
this woman to...

I do, and so does she. Right,
love, that's it. Through there.

Her figure's all right.
What about her face?

Oh, I am assured, sire, it is
the fairest in all Normandy.

- What about her...
- Fullest in all Normandy.

- Has she been chaste?
- All over Normandy.

But I am assured never caught.

- Call me at eight o'clock.
- Very well.

Next Thursday.

Marie, Queen of England.

Oh, hello.

Oh. Who are you?

Permit me to introduce
myself, madam.

Sir Roger de Lodgerley.

Oh, how do you do?

The King's personal
equerry, madam, and

already your most devoted admirer.

How nice.

May I? Thank you.

Other one.

Splendid. And one more
for luck. Ha, ha.

Splendid, splendid. But if I might
suggest, just a little more...

Ooh... Perfect, perfect.

- I can be a one when I want.
- Yes, I thought you might be one.

Now, madam, as regards
your actual duties...

Sir Roger, you seem
to forget I was

brought up at the French court.

In fact, I had an
excellent position there.

Oh, I know. And I hear the French
position is very good. Ha, ha.

Still here, I see, sir Roger?

I was instructing Her Majesty
in procedure, Your Grace.

Thank you very much, sir Roger.

I trust everything is to your
satisfaction, Your Grace?

- I'll let you know later.
- You won't want that, will you?

- What?
- That.

- Oh, no, course not.
- Oh, thank you.

I suppose you're anxious
to bed your queen.

Naturally.

Well, if you should want anything,

I'm only next door.

I don't think we'll trouble
you further tonight.

Ha, ha, ha.

And how's my beautiful
queen, then?

Well and eager to please, my lord.

Good.

- Here we go, then.
- Oh, just one moment, my lord.

There is something
I must do first.

Oh, yes, right. Well, I'll just
go and wash my hands, then.

- Well, all done, then?
- Yes, my lord.

I have waited for this
moment for so long.

Cor blimey.

Why, what is it?
What ails my lord?

That smell. What have
you been eating?

Smell?

It is merely garlic.

Garlic?

Yes, it is an old
custom in Normandy.

I adore it. And taken regularly,
no germs will come near one.

- I don't blame 'em.
- Not only that,

it is said to greatly increase
one's sexual appetite.

I've got news for you. Come the

morning, you're going
to be starving.

What means my lord?

Nothing. Just don't
bother to make any

more hairdressing
appointments. Roger.

Sir Roger.

Sir Roger, where are you?

Come, come, my Lord Cardinal.

A glass of wine to celebrate.

You rang, m'lord?

Ah, yes, Mistress Scrub.

Wine for myself and
my Lord Cardinal.

Oh, yes, m'lord.

- Will that be all, m'lord?
- For the nonce.

Oh. Ooh, Your Eminence.

Come, let us drink to the King's
marriage and an early issue.

- You will not drink?
- After you, my lord.

My dear Cardinal, you surely don't
suspect that I, your friend,

would have poisoned your wine?

Men in our position have
enemies everywhere.

- One cannot be too careful.
- There.

Satisfied?

To issue.

- Issue.
- All fall down.

Oh, my God.

Cromwell, Wolsey. Where
are you, you blackguards?

Oh, ho. Methinks the issue
is already in doubt.

I'll have your bleeding
heads for this.

Why, sire? What is wrong? Is
not this mating successful?

Successful? As far as the Queen
is concerned, I've had it.

Oh, well, it's all right, then.

Will you shut up and
listen? She has got to go.

Go? But why?

Why? Because it turns
out that Her most

gracious Majesty, Marie,
Queen of England,

wife of the Defender of the Faith,
is also a basher of the garlic.

Garlic? What is garlic?

A small bulbearing
plant of the onion

family, used extensively
by the French.

I don't give a damn what it is.

All I know is I had one pong
of it and my ambition wilted.

But this need not be a
serious problem, sire.

I'm sure if the Cardinal here were
to have a word with Her Majesty.

Oh, yes, of course.
I'll go immediately.

I am confident he will
be able to persuade

her to give up this
odious habit, sire.

Probably. But I doubt
I'll ever fancy it again.

Enter, my lord.

Pardon this intrusion, madam,

but I come on a matter
of some urgency.

Not at all, my lord. We are
pleased to receive you.

Phew.

It was all going marvellously.

There she was, lying
in bed waiting for it.

I said to myself, "At
last, this is it, Harry

boy." I'm just about to
grab her... and boof.

- Right in the kisser.
- Ooh.

But don't upset yourself, sire.

Pray be seated. Have
a goblet of wine.

I tell you, it will
make your spirits rise.

I need more than wine to make
anything rise now, I can tell you.

Nonsense, sire. Come. Drink.

And it is rather a special one.

- What did she say?
- No.

- No.
- She refuses to give it up.

Refuses? That settles
it. Get her annulled.

- An old what, sire?
- Annul the marriage, you fool.

Oh, I'm afraid that would be out
of the question, Your Majesty.

- The Pope would be livid.
- What's it got to do with him?

When this match was
announced, he declared it

would be very bad for a
man to have six wives.

How would he know?
He's never tried it.

If I may be permitted to make
a suggestion, Your Grace?

This is no time to get
suggestive, sir Roger.

I was merely going to say, if
she refuses to give it up,

you could take
preventative measures

against the unpleasant odour.

Are you suggesting
that I, the greatest

monarch that England
has ever known,

should stoop to stuffing
cotton wool up my hooter?

Nothing so drastic, sire.

But I happen to know that if
one also eats the garlic,

the smell is unnoticeable.

Do you mean me give in to her?

Never. Never. Not on your Nelly.

No. I've made up my mind.
Annul the marriage.

But the only way a marriage can be

annulled is if they
haven't, you know...

Yes, yes, come on, spit it out.

To put it bluntly, sire,

did you consume it?

Did I what?

Consume it.

Has the marriage been consumed?

I fancy he means
consummated, sire.

The verb "consume" means to eat.

That's all you know.
In my dictionary,

it's to eat or to have a nibble.

Not that kind of nibble,
you great fat ape.

You steaming great...

Shut up, the two of
you. The answer is no.

I have neither eaten,
consumed or had a nibble.

So just you make
absolutely sure you

get rid of her by the
time I get back.

But wait, wait. Your
Majesty's going somewhere?

- Yes, hunting.
- Oh, nice. What for?

Something to eat. I'm
starving. Ha, ha.

This is terrible, terrible.

I cannot risk disfavour
with the Vatican again.

Nor I with France. Marie is
their king's favourite cousin.

It would seem we must unite, my
lord, to keep this marriage alive.

- Of course, but how?
- By procrastination.

What? If he has that, he'll
never be able to have an issue.

Oh, dear. You really must get
another dictionary, Cardinal.

It's only me.

Oh, I thought it
might be the King.

Alas, madam, he's been called
out on state business.

I just popped in to
see if there was...

anything you wanted.

Oh, yes, there is, sir Roger.

But I doubt if you
could supply it.

Oh, no.

Oh.

What a delightful odour.

Can it be... garlic?

Why, yes. Do you like
it, then, sir Roger?

Everyone should have it.

Oh, well.

Here, help yourself.

Thank you.

Ah, that's better. Ha, ha.

So now to work.

Why, sir Roger,
what are you about?

I'm undressing, madam.

- But to what end?
- Didn't you know?

As the King's taster, I have to
try everything before he does.

♪ Hunting horns ♪

We have found well
today, Your Majesty.

Stop calling me Your Majesty.

At this sport, I'm
always incognito.

Of course. Will we
wait for you, sire?

No, I'll find my own way
back. It may take time.

Oh. Good hunting, sire.

Thank you. I'll save
the brush for you.

Walk on.

Ha, ha, ha.

Well, well, well, my pretty.

Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Don't be frightened.

Who are you? And what do you want?

Just a hunter looking
for some sport.

You look like a gentleman.

Don't let the clothes
fool you. Come here.

Come here, come here.

Hey, not so fast there. I
don't even know your name.

Call me Henry.

Henry? Same as that
miserable sot who rules us.

- Miserable what?
- Sot.

Oh, sot. Oh, he's quite
a nice fellow, really.

Oh? You want to hear my
dad go on about him.

The way he keeps
screwing us on taxes.

Whatever else he does, I can
assure you it's not screwing.

My dad says hanging's
too good for him.

He'd like to see him
fry in his own fat.

Really? I must meet
your dad sometime.

I'd like to swap recipes with him.

My dad says him and Earl Cromwell
are a right pretty pair.

Not half as pretty as
the one I'm looking at.

Oh, no, you don't.

We're not in the hay just to
look for needles, are we?

That's all very well. But
what am I going to get?

What are you going to get?
What do you normally get?

You know what I mean.
People are prepared

to pay handsomely for my favours.

Oh, blimey.

Here, I've only got a
two shilling piece.

Oh. I haven't got any change.

Don't worry, darling.

You can owe it to me.

Oh. Ooh.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ooh, aren't your hands rough?

Oh, hang on, I'll take
off my gauntlets.

- Oooh.
- Is that better?

Cor, you don't waste
much time, do you?

No, blimey, why should I?

How many petticoats have you got?

Blimey, it's like
peeling an artichoke.

Ha, ha, ha.

So that's the way of it?

You varmint. I'll kill you.

- Hang on, just a minute.
- It's my dad.

Is it? Blimey.

Before you do anything
you'll regret,

let me tell you who
you're talking to.

I happen to be... Your
dad, did you say?

- Yes.
- Go on, you are what?

I'm off. Give me my money back.

Oh, blimey. In it again.

You may be seated.

Are Their Majesties
not coming to dinner?

I doubt it. The King
is still away hunting

and the Queen has vowed
to remain in her

room until she's no
longer a virgin.

Poor dear woman. Perhaps I could
do something to get her down.

By way of verbal
persuasion, I mean.

Any kind of persuasion from
you would get anybody down.

No, let her stay there and
stew in her own juice.

Her most gracious
Majesty, Queen Marie.

Good Lord.

♪ Trumpet fanfare ♪

Good evening, my Lord Chancellor.

Your Majesty, this is
an unexpected surprise.

We've not had the pleasure of
your company for a meal as yet.

No, I've been having
it in my room with

Sir Roger. He persuaded
me to come down.

Oh, well, Your Majesty, all I can
say is your loss is our gain.

Thank you. The King
is not home yet?

Still away, madam,
on urgent business.

State affairs, you understand?

Excellent. Then, sir
Roger, it is my

wish that you be
seated here beside me.

Ou? La, madam? No, that
is the King's place.

Marry, sir Roger, you
did not show the

same reluctance to take
his place earlier.

Her Majesty jests, of course.

With your permission, I
will take my usual seat.

Oh, do as I say and shut up.

Pray be seated,
ladies and gentlemen.

Quite nice.

A drink, madam?

Thank you.

I can heartily recommend
the porter here.

Really? Then do send him
up to my room later.

- You're not eating?
- With your permission, madam.

You do not find it appetising?

Oh, yes, madam. But it has a
somewhat unusual flavour.

Oh, that'll be the garlic.

I sent orders to the kitchen
to have it put in everything.

I felt it might be a step
toward... converting the King.

His Majesty, the King.

Ah, my dear devoted
husband has returned.

She's stunk the whole
place out with

it. Haven't you got
rid of her yet?

A slight technical hitch, Your
Majesty. I shall explain later.

It better be good. Or.

All right, carry on eating.

I'm starving. What's
good, Cromwell?

Oh, I wouldn't recommend
anything tonight, sire.

I'd just have a cup of tea
and a bun in your room.

Don't be silly. It
looks very tasty.

Especially the roast peacock.

Definitely not up to standard,
sire. It's all cock and no pea.

That's exactly how I like it.

Sir Roger has tasted
it, I suppose?

Oh, yes. As a matter of fact,
he's tried everything.

Good.

That does it.

- Out. I want her out of here now.
- Do not worry, I am leaving.

- Good.
- But to go to my bedchamber,

where, in due course, I
expect you to join me.

Me join you? Hah, you'll be lucky.

If I am not lucky, my lord,

you may be sure my cousin King
Francis will learn of it.

She threatened me.
Get the executioner.

I beg you, sire, do
nothing now that you may

regret later. We can ill
afford to fight France.

Are you telling me they will
declare war if I don't bed her?

Wars have been fought
over less, sire.

The thing to do, sire,
is to play for time.

Act the part of a loving husband.

Impossible.

You don't have to enjoy it, sire.

Simply go through the motions.

How can I, without doing anything?

Yes, that's true. It
would seem the Queen has

got you by the
well-known... chandeliers.

Exactly. And if I do
bed her, Wolsey won't

be able to get the
annulment, will he?

Yes, well, that is liable
to take time, Your Majesty.

I haven't got time. I
need another wife.

Yes, well, perhaps
in the meantime you

could make some
other arrangements?

What other arrangements?

Like taking a mistress.

I am the King, with a proud
family motto to uphold.

Never spit on your own doorstep.

But my Lord Cardinal
is right, sire.

We must step cautiously.

Don't tell me. How do you
think we got the motto?

No, I mean a hasty divorce
would be disastrous, sire.

Besides, there is
no immediate hurry

for you to marry again, is there?

No, tomorrow will do, I suppose.

Tomorrow? Has Your Majesty
already got a new queen in mind?

Well, I haven't had time
to look around yet.

If you could keep the
Queen amused for a while.

Just keep her mind off it.

She's a Frenchwoman. Their
minds are never off it.

There must be something
else you could do together.

- I have it.
- Yes, what?

There's that new game
that's all the rage

in the court. What
do they call it now?

Ah, yes. Tiddlywinks.

Tiddlywinks?

It was just an idea.

Well, it was a lousy one.

Cannot you understand
that I want something

to keep me away from her
until the annulment?

Aha. That gives me an idea, sire.

There is one sure way by
which she would never

suspect that you were trying
to avoid... you know.

Yes, yes, yes. What?

Suppose there were to
be a plot against you.

Suppose you were to
be abducted from

her bedchamber before
her very eyes.

That's it. But who do we
get to do the abducting?

It has to be somebody
discreet and trustworthy.

I have the very man
in mind, sire. One

of Your Majesty's most
loyal supporters.

Lord Hampton of Wick.

That's it. Go to it, Cromwell.

Aye, sire. But you must go to
the Queen's bedchamber, now.

Yes. Yes, I suppose I must.

Ah, well.

The things I do for England.

Right, gentlemen.

We are agreed that for the good
of England, Henry must go.

But how?

How is it to be accomplished?

I've had one idea, Lord Hampton.

You see, I have these
barrels of gunpowder.

If we could smuggle
them into Parliament

when he opens the next session

and blow the lot up...

An excellent notion, Fawkes, but
you overlook one small detail.

We all sit in Parliament.

Who is that?

I, Thomas Cromwell.

Cromwell. Quickly.

My Lord Chancellor. This
is indeed an honour.

Yes. Having a meeting, Hampton?

Just the usual Friday night
sewing circle, my lord.

Interesting.

You like the designs?

Yes, but not as much as those
that you have on the King's life.

What? My lord, I know not
what you talk about.

Really? Then you
won't be interested

to learn the King has
expressed a wish

to be forcibly abducted tonight.

He's what?

Purely to suit his
own ends, of course.

I thought you might like the job.

Well, of course, I
would be honoured.

But what about the palace guards?

He has already removed them.

I see. And after he
has been abducted?

Well, that's up to you, of
course. Accidents will happen.

No, no, no. You're not
doing it properly.

I know how to do it.

Well, look, like this. Look. See?

Now you have a go. Into that bowl.

Are you sure this is really an
old English pre-mating ritual?

Of course it is. It's traditional.

Before you can mate properly,
you have to get one in.

I thought everybody knew that.

Oh, very well, then.

- Ah. I've done it.
- You cheated.

I didn't. You saw.

So you can come to bed
with me now, can't you?

Er, no, you have to tiddle first.

I have tiddled.

No, no, no, that was winking.

Look, when we began, you told me
I had to tiddle into the pot.

You have to wink
in and tiddle out.

Oh, all right, then.

- There. Satisfied?
- Very good, very good indeed.

Well, that's one game to you. We

start again. First
one to get 20 in.

- 20? We'll be at it all night.
- Not if I can help it.

- Well, I've had enough.
- What did you do that for?

You can't fool me, Henry Tudor.

You are trying to avoid
getting into bed with me.

How could you possibly
get an idea like that?

I'm just putting it
off, that's all.

- The great moment, I mean.
- Oh, well...

While you are putting it off,
I will just write a note

to my cousin Francis,
the King of France.

Yes, well, perhaps we
have waited long enough.

We won't be needing that, will we?

Where are you going now?

Empty the pan.

Leave it to the servants.

Yes, all right, then.

Well, here we are, then.

What shall we do now?

- What shall we do?
- Yes. Any ideas?

What do you do with all
your other wives in bed?

Ah, let me think. Now, then...

With old Jane, we used to
play noughts and crosses.

Noughts and crosses?

Yes, I kept giving her
nought and she got cross.

That reminds me. Have I told
you about my other wives?

Ah, yes, I can't wait
to hear about them.

You see? All guards removed.

I'll leave you now.
But remember, I

know nothing of tonight's venture.

One moment, my lord. I
would also like your word

that if anything goes wrong, you
will not divulge our real intent.

You have my hand on it.

And may good fortune
attend on you.

Henry Tudor, I do not wish to
hear about your past wives.

Come now, you're only saying
that to make me feel better.

But it wouldn't be right
to start our married

life without you knowing
about the others.

- Now, where was I?
- Number two.

Now, let's see. That
brings us to number four.

That's enough.

Henry, are you going
to behave like

a proper husband to me or not?

Yes, of course, dear...

Well, then, you can save
all that till later.

Sire.

I call upon you to surrender
without a struggle.

That's what I've been trying
to get him to do all night.

What treason is this? It's a plot

against me. I'm about
to be abducted.

How do you know?

It's obvious. They
didn't come to watch.

We mean you no harm, madam.

All we want is the King's person.

There you are. What
did I tell you?

Oh, Hampton, Hampton.
Put that thing away.

How could you do this? To tear
me from the arms of my beloved

at the very moment we're about
to consummate our union.

Oh, well, er...

we could come back
later, of course.

Don't be stupid. No, no, if
it must be thus, thus be it.

May I know what is
to become of me?

You will be taken to a secret
place and held prisoner.

Oh, how terrible. Will I never
see my dear wife again?

Go on, you're doing very well.

There you will be required to sign
a confession of your wrongdoings.

Alas, I cannot help that. I was
born with the wrong doings.

That done, then you will be done,

to death, as painfully
as you have done others.

- All right, don't overdo it.
- Seize him.

Not too rough... Ah,
so this is the end.

Farewell, dear wife. It would seem
we are fated never to be one.

You're going to let them
take you without a fight?

- Alas, I can do nothing else.
- Well, I can.

No, no.

And don't come back.

They've gone. You can...

Henry?

Henry...

Hen...

Henry, where are you?

Ah, the wretch.

Now, what am I going to do
for the rest of the night?

On my life, Your Majesty, if that
isn't the best tunic I ever made,

my name isn't Moshe Montmorency.

- Yes, it's not bad.
- Not bad?

Never mind the quality,
feel the cloth.

- We've had worse. What is it?
- This is the finest goats' hair.

I thought it had a familiar smell.

Ah, Your Majesty. Look at the fit.

The bustline and the
waistline, Your Majesty.

Without a lie, the goat
it didn't fit as well.

Yes, it's quite nice up here

but the skirt's on the long side.

Skirt? Long?

We're proud of our royal
legs. We like the

ladies of the court to
marvel at their length.

I make the skirt any
higher and they won't

be marvelling at the
length of the legs.

That reminds me. I need a
bit more length on my hose.

Your Majesty is much too modest.

His Excellency, the
emissary of the Vatican,

- Conte Filippo di Pisa.
- You are welcome, Conte.

Please be seated, Conte.

You have come on the
matter of the application

for an annulment of His
Majesty's marriage?

- I have, my lord.
- I'd hoped as much.

And your master has given
permission for it?

He has requested me to say

that he is most morally shocked
and righteously outraged

- by this request.
- Oh, dear.

But under certain conditions,

he might be prevailed upon

to overlook his deep-seated
and inviolate sense of duty.

All right. How much this time?

5,000 pieces of gold.

5,000. Come off it,
that's double last time.

He is doubly shocked this time.

5,000. And how much
have you added on

for your own pocket,
my dear Conte?

My lord, I must protest
most strongly.

I'm sorry, Conte. But as
a churchman, I cannot

tolerate the thought of
corruption in high office.

5,000 is the figure.
Take it or leave it.

Very well. I shall go and
consult with the Chancellor.

Well, Wolsey, the word is good?

I think, if it's left to me, I can

arrange the divorce
satisfactorily.

- Excellent.
- There's just one thing.

To do so, you'll have to let
me have 10,000 pieces of gold.

10,000?

It was only five last time.

Well, you know how it is.
Inflation, rising prices.

Indeed. The ever rising
cost-of-loving index.

The sooner the better, of course.

Just a moment, my
dear Cardinal. Can I

be assured this 10,000
is all for Rome?

Are you suggesting that I...

How dare you. You know well
that I'm an honourable man.

My dear Wolsey, I learned long ago

there is only one man
in all England who

can be completely
trusted and that's me.

Well, I protest strongly
at the implication

that I would... Oh, never, oh.

Oh, all right, all right.

You'll get your 10,000. I'll go
and see the King straight away.

Pardon the intrusion,
Your Majesty.

But I thought you would like to
know I have had word from Rome.

The divorce, it's on?

I am confident, sire, that left
in my hands, I can get approval.

Marvellous.

Of course, it will entail
a certain expenditure.

- How much?
- If you could let me have 20,000?

20,000.

Well, rather more
than usual, I know.

But little enough if you have it.

That's just the point.
I haven't had it.

The money, I mean.

I shouldn't have to
tell you that, speaking

royally, my mint has a hole in it.

Beautiful, beautiful.
Fit for a king.

20,000. What love pleasure
could be worth that much?

You should try it walking round
the room a bit, Your Majesty.

- Don't be filthy.
- The coat.

Of course we could raise
a bit more by taxation.

Taxation? Everything's taxed to
the hilt as it is. Even swords.

Swords taxed to the
hilt. Very good.

Oh, shut up.

I've been thinking. There is one
thing you haven't touched yet.

We're back to the wife again.

No, a brand-new form of
taxation I've just thought up.

S.E.T.

S.E. T?

Sex Enjoyment Tax.

Sex Enjoyment Tax?

Exactly, Your Majesty.
Like drinking or smoking.

Every time they have one...

Yes, that could bring
in quite a bit. Might

be a bit difficult
to apply, though.

Oh, I don't think so. No man
wants to be thought lacking.

We give them a form and they
submit some sort of weekly return.

Do you think they'd stand for it?

Stand for it, sit for it, lie down

for it. As long as
we get the money.

Halt, madam. State your
business with my Lord Cromwell.

Oh, get out of my way.

I trust I am not disturbing
you, my Lord Chancellor?

No, no, Your Majesty.

I was just checking the weekly
yield on my new Sex Enjoyment Tax.

A satisfactory one, I hope?

Not bad, not bad.

The takings are down
since we started

the on, the-spot collections.

But then this business is bound
to have its ups and downs.

Yes, though precious
few come my way.

My lord, I will come direct to

business. I demand
to see the King.

I'm afraid that's quite
impossible today,

madam. He's busy in
his privy... council.

I will not be put off any longer.

Do you realise it is
three months since

our marriage and he still hasn't?

- Hasn't what?
- Still hasn't.

Oh, yes, I quite
understand of course.

But you must not
be unduly alarmed.

These things take time.

My lord, I may seem
a simple person,

but could you, as a man, keep
your bride waiting so long?

I am not married, madam.

No, but you are a man. I have
been aware of that fact.

Please, madam.

Oh, come, my lord.
Do you choose to

forget that day at Hampton Court?

Hampton?

When you rescued me from the maze.

Oh, when you couldn't
find your way out.

And you couldn't find your way in.

Yes, well, I hadn't done
it before, you see.

Just think. We might
have been there yet

had you not had the
presence of mind

to lay a thread to
follow back out.

Yes, good old Fred.

Would you not like to try it
again, Thomas? Without Fred?

Madam, I beg of you, please forget

that afternoon. I
got carried away.

Thousands of men have
been carried away

after only one hour
with me, my lord.

- Yes, but not feet first.
- Oh, Thomas.

Tom. Take me in your
arms and kiss me.

No, no, wait, wait.

Your Majesty, someone
might come in.

I don't care.

Oh, Thomas. Tom.

You don't know how
unsatisfying my life is.

I feel like a... a
bottle of good wine that

has been left to waste
after only one sip.

Well, for heaven's sake,
put the cork back in.

Oh, you are a hard
man, Thomas Cromwell.

What you're asking of
me, madam, is wrong.

I am the King's
friend. He trusts me.

And I am proud of that trust.

Ah...

But what if there were no king?

What do you mean?

If some accident were to
befall him, what then?

Well, then, as Queen, obviously
you will reign in his stead.

Precisely.

And you in his bedstead.

What? What are you
suggesting, madam?

That I, the King's most
loyal and devoted servant,

should actually plot
to... should stoop to...

What kind of accident
had you in mind?

Ah, no, Thomas.

Before I divulge that,

I must first have pledge of
your goodwill in the matter.

Well, what kind of
pledge could I give?

Just a taste of that
good wine I spoke of.

Well, I don't usually drink
before six o'clock...

Whoar.

Cromwell, I've just
been thinking that...

What goes on here?

Nothing, sire. Nothing.
I was conversing with

the Queen when suddenly
she came over faint.

Her emotions overflowed. I
just corked her in time...

I just caught her in time.

Faint? Why should she feel faint?

Lack of fresh air, perhaps.

True, she hasn't been
getting any lately.

And that, too.

Well, do something. She's
making the place look untidy.

Madam, madam, you
can come round now.

Madam, it's all
right now. Madam...

Good heavens.

What is it?

She really has fainted.
She's unconscious.

Is she? Well, go on, then,
get the court physician.

Doctor Finlay. Doctor Finlay.

Och, something
terrible's happened...

The physician has nearly
finished, Your Grace.

He's taking his time, isn't he?

There is rather a lot to examine.

Doesn't it make you sick?
Just when I'd decided

to cancel the divorce
and have her head off.

Please, sire, you must
not excite yourself.

You know it affects
your metabolism.

And brings the poison
to the surface and then

you break out in these
poisonous excrescences.

- Boils.
- I know what I'm talking about.

I only said boils.

Oh, boils. Oh, yes.

Well, what's happening?

Your Majesty, I'm happy to report
that I have bled Her Majesty.

Bled her? All this time?

Well, it did take a
bit of time, I know.

But one of my leeches
is an absolute hog.

I am not interested in
your bleeding leeches.

- What about the Queen?
- No trouble there.

It often happens to a
woman in her condition.

Condition? What condition?

Why, Her Majesty's
going to have a baby.

You hear that, everyone? I'm
going to have an issue.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, sire.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Do you
think it'll be a boy?

Most assuredly, sire.

At last, a son. A son and heir.

I know I speak for all England
when I say well done, sire.

We are proud of you.

Thank you. Well, I didn't
really do anything.

That's quite right. I
didn't do anything.

Are you sure she's
going to have a baby?

- How did that happen?
- Your Majesty does not know?

No, I do not know.

Well, let me see if I can
explain it quite simply.

Let's take the birds and the bees.

I do not want a sex
lecture. I know

how. It's who that's worrying me.

Am I to understand
Your Majesty has not?

Not as much as a nibble.

If I may suggest, Your Grace, no
one outside this room knows that

and I know we can be
trusted to keep silent.

But she's mucked it all up.

How can I get a divorce now on the
grounds of non, consummation?

On the contrary, sire. I think the

Queen has played right
into our hands.

She's played in someone's
hands, that's for sure.

If I might have a word with
Your Majesty confidentially?

If we can obtain definite
proof of unfaithfulness,

the divorce will be automatic and
it will not cost you a penny.

That's right. But where
do we get the proof?

A confession from
the man concerned.

- Which man?
- Any man.

Preferably one who's been most

constantly in the
company of the Queen.

Yes, someone who's had the
job of keeping her amused.

Well, sir Roger, have you
been dallying with the Queen?

Certainly not, sire.

- Your hand on it?
- Not even a finger on it.

Come, come, sir Roger,
it will be less

painful for you if
you were to confess.

Never.

In the Tower, we have ways of
forcing a confession, you know.

You won't get a thing out of me.

I'll wager those
were the very words

the Queen used to you.

Oh, no, as a matter of fact,
she was ready and waiting...

Ha, ha, ha.

My Lord Cardinal, will you show
the Queen to her apartment?

Gladly. This way, Your Majesty.

Wait. What is to
happen to, sir Roger?

Nothing, if he signs
a simple confession.

And if he doesn't?

He will. We have gadgets
like the thumbscrew.

Fear not, madam. I can stand
any amount of screwing.

Well spoken, sir Roger.

I will not confess.
And that's flat.

Methinks you'll change your mind,
Sir Roger, when it is flat.

Take him directly below.

Thomas Cromwell, you
are a cruel man.

Me? Cruel, madam?

Why, I'm known as
Cromwell the Considerate.

Considerate? You?

What about all those
poor martyrs you

had burned at the stake last week?

- What about them?
- Call that considerate?

Well, of course. Didn't
I go round every one

of them and say, "How do
you like your stake?"

That's right. He did, you know.

So, this is to be my home
for the rest of my days?

And what, pray, is this place?

- The Bloody Tower.
- There's no need to be common.

No, no, that's what
they call it, my lady.

And this is the best
you can provide for...

a Queen of England and cousin
of the King of France?

Oh, it's one of the pleasantest
rooms in the Tower, my lady.

There's a lovely view
from the window.

On a foggy day.

Oh, Wolsey. What is
to become of me?

Will I ever look up to see the
clear blue of the sky again?

Will I ever again feel the blessed

warmth of the sun
on my tender skin?

I really couldn't say. The
weather report isn't good.

Nay, my lord, do not try
and spare my feelings.

You know well that as soon as
Henry has his signed confession,

it will be my head on
the block and phut.

No.

No, don't speak of
it, madam. Please,

I can't bear to think of it.

Your lovely head for
that filthy old basket.

Nay, my lord, you must not
speak of the King thus.

No. Oh, no, no.

I meant the basket into
which your head will fall.

Oh, that filthy old basket, yes.

This might have all
been avoided if

only you had renounced the garlic.

Dear Wolsey, you have always
loved me, haven't you?

- Devotedly, madam.
- Enough to do me a service?

Oh, certainly. What
would you like?

A matins or a quick vespers?

Not that sort of service, my lord.

I would simply have you deliver a

letter for me to the
French ambassador.

I wouldn't dare do that.

I must appraise him of what has
happened. It is my only hope.

They're so strict on
security here. Even I'm

searched from top to
bottom when I leave.

- Top to bottom?
- Well, almost.

There is in fact only
one place I could put

a letter where it might
avoid detection.

And you could not bring
yourself to do that for me?

Yes. Yes, I will, I will.

Oh, thank you, my lord.

Here is the letter.

Ah, my dear, sir Roger.

I believe you know what
this little toy is called?

- The rack.
- Precisely.

An ingenious invention. We simply
tie you to it, hand and foot,

and then each day, a turn
on the wheel at both ends.

Yes, I know. What criminals
call "going for a stretch".

Exactly. Would you care to try it?

Have I an alternative?

- Oh, yes. Just sign this.
- Without even reading it?

I'll read it to you. It's just
a simple little confession.

"In as much as I, Roger de

Lodgerley, of Bedside
Manor, Wilts,

referred to as the party
of the first part,

did unlawfully, with
malice aforethought

and without taking due precaution,

admire, covet, blandish, cosset,
seduce and otherwise get at Marie,

spouse to Henry Tudor, referred to
as the party of the second part.

I do hereby solemnly
declare, any witness

thereof I append to
my signature below,

that the resulting
issue, herein after

referred to as the party
of the third part,

is the consequence of
the joining together

of the party of the
first part's and

the party of the
second part's parts."

As you said, very simple.

- You'll sign, then?
- Not on your Bonaparte.

Very well, then. Carry on.

His Excellency, the
French ambassador.

Your Majesty.

My dear Duc de Poncenay.

I trust I do not intrude
upon Your Majesty's time?

Not at all. We're
happy to receive you.

A thousand thanks, sire.

You're welcome. Cup of tea?

Mais non, sire. I have but
lately had elevenses.

Excellent. And what
brings you to our court?

I am instructed by His
Majesty, King Francis,

to offer his most
profound congratulations.

Yes? What on?

Why, that your union
with his cousin,

Queen Marie, is to be
blessed with issue.

And how did he know that?

Good news travels
fast, Your Majesty.

This is not exactly good
news. I'm not really...

King Francis was so
overjoyed that he

proposed, on the
occasion of the birth,

to give you a
personal presentation

of 50,000 gold crowns.

I dare say, but the point is...

50,000?

Gold crowns.

But Your Majesty was
going to say something?

No, no, nothing.

Bon. And now perhaps
I may convey our

congratulations to
your good Queen?

Yes, well, er, she's not here
at the moment. She's away.

Oh la la. King Francis
did so desire an early

confirmation of her good
health and happiness.

I tell you what, you
join us for dinner

tonight. She'll be back by then.

That will be most
delightful, Your Majesty.

Your servant, sire.

And yours.

Don't just stand there. Get
to the Tower and fetch her.

He's given in, m'lord.
He's ready to sign.

At last. Bring him
in. Bring him in.

My... My dear, sir Roger,
I'm very glad you

decided to give in before
things went too far.

There we are, my love.

Take it easy. That's it.
We don't want anything

to happen to our precious
little bundle, do we?

Your Majesty, your cousin King
Francis wishes me to convey to you

his most joyous felicitations.

What on? Being confined
in the Tower of London?

What?

Er, now, dear, don't get
excited. Think of the baby.

Pay no attention. They always act

funny when they're
in the issue way.

True, but I did not
understand. What is

this about being
confined in the Tower?

Oh, that's just an old
English tradition.

Queens always have
their babies there.

True, but I think you meant
confined, locked up.

No, no, confined, knocked
up. It's very different.

Your quaint English customs.

Yes, they are quaint...
Yes, well, let's

drink to the successful
delivery of my baby.

Your baby?

- Naturally, who else's?
- You want a list?

If you don't want
to go straight back

to the Tower, shut
your drawbridge.

Then if it is yours,
exactly what are you

trying to make poor,
sir Roger confess to?

Me? I'm not trying to make
him confess to anything.

Your Majesty, I have it.
The signed confession.

What confession?

Sir Roger's confession
of fatherhood.

He's a liar. I don't want
it. Get a retraction.

A retraction? You must be mad.

You know perfectly well that your
confession was a deliberate lie.

What?

All that nonsense about
the party of the first

part. You never even
touched the Queen.

I beg your jolly pardon,
but I most certainly did.

Your affair with her was a
figment of your imagination.

Oh, yes? Did you ever
hear of a figment

that left teeth
marks in your neck?

I don't wish to know that.

What I want is a
signed retraction.

A simple statement like "The Queen
and I are just good friends."

Oh, no. I am incapable
of doing it.

Oh, even better. Impotency, yes.

No, no, no. I mean I could
never sign such a statement.

My dear, sir Roger, you don't want
to go back on the rack, do you?

Not particularly.

Then do I get my
retraction or not?

- Not.
- Not?

- Not.
- Not?

Why do I always get knotted?
Put him back on the rack.

♪ Court music ♪

You're a cunning old bastard.

I made a mistake, my love.

You're the only woman for me.

I just can't wait to take
your loveliness into my arms.

Every stone of it.

I'll believe that when it happens.

Wait till I get you upstairs.
I'll show you something.

Like you did the last time?

Playing all night
with your tiddlywink?

More music. More, I say.

Pardon, Your Majesty,
but I should be

greatly honoured
if I could cut in.

Of course, my dear Duc.

No, no, Your Majesty. I
meant with Her Majesty.

Oh, yes, help yourself.

Well, everybody to his own taste.

Oh, Your Grace, it is
indeed a joy to see

you and the Queen so
happily reunited.

Yes, she's not a bad
old stick, really.

After all, youth isn't
everything, is it?

Indeed not, sir.

It is well said
that there's many a

good tune played on an old fiddle.

True. Particularly
when you haven't

had your bow out for some time.

What do I want another wife for?
Look at the shower here tonight.

Not one of them worth a
second look. Certainly

not worth giving up
50,000 crowns for.

I tell you, Wol...

- Wolsey.
- Yes, my lord.

Who's that with the two beauties?

That's your third wife, sire.

Not her. The fella that's just
come in with the two beauties.

Fellow with two beauties, my lord?

Ooh, I see what you mean.
Oh, that's old Charles,

the Earl of Bristol,
and his daughters.

Oh, so those are Charlie's.

Why haven't I seen
them at court before?

He's been our ambassador
at the Spanish

court. They've only
just come back.

Looks like one of them hasn't
had time to unpack yet.

Ha, ha. Maybe I can give
her a hand with it.

♪ Musicians play: Ah, The Pavane ♪

My favourite measure.

Mine, too.

- Fancy that.
- Yes, I'm afraid he does.

May I have the pleasure?

Oh, no, I only came here to dance.

The King is asking you
to dance, Bettina.

Oh, well, that's...

The King.

Please excuse her, Your Majesty.
'Tis her first time at court.

That's all right.
There has to be a

first time for every
girl. May I, then?

Oh, well, of course, Your Majesty.

If I'd known who you were,
I wouldn't have said no.

You keep on saying that
and we'll be all right.

So they call you Bettina?

Yes, but most people just
call me Bet, Your Majesty.

If I'm going to call you
Bet, you must call me Major

All right, Major

You dance very well, Bet.

Thank you, Major

I'll bet you got
plenty of it in Spain?

Oh, no, they never let me be
alone with anyone long enough.

No, dancing, I mean.

Oh, yes. But it's very
different there, you know.

You see, there's
these two things...

Yes, I'd noticed those.

- They call them castanets.
- Oh, that's a new name for 'em.

And all the time you're dancing,

they keep knocking together.

Yes, I'd noticed that, too.

It's getting chilly
in here. Shall we go

into the summerhouse
and warm up a bit?

Oh, no, I've heard
what happens to girls

who go into summerhouses with men.

Good, that should
save a bit of time.

Oh, but I mustn't. I promised
my mother I'd be a good Bet.

You're the best bet I've
seen in years, believe me.

Major

Why is he taking her
out into the garden?

Oh, I expect just to get
a little air, madam.

How many more heirs does he want?

That's it. Now you're
getting the idea.

Oh. Oh, no more.

I'm not used to that
much, you know.

It won't hurt. Just a bit
more. Nearly finished.

Oh, no...

- No, no.
- Come on, come on.

Oh, no. My mother says I
mustn't have too much drink.

It can lead to a girl's ruin.

I'm beginning to love your mother.

Drink inflames the ardour.

Yes, the more you have,
the harder it gets.

To stop drinking, I mean. Ha, ha.

Ooh.

Oh, I can hardly believe it.
Little me in the King's arms.

Well, it's the best
boozer in town.

With all those beautiful ladies in

there, why on earth
did you pick on me?

Well, there's a couple
of things, I suppose.

Oh, Major You're only
after one thing.

Why? What's the matter
with the other one?

Oh, I think you're one of those
men with evil dimensions.

Intentions. On the
contrary, my dear,

I'm about to do you
the greatest honour

a benevolent monarch
can do a subject.

I know, you're going
to make me a lady.

Well, not quite.

What, then?

To start with, I'm
going to kiss you.

Oh, no, my mother says I
mustn't start kissing

men. You never know
where it will end.

I know where it will end.

No, she says I must save
myself until I have a husband.

Well, that's all
right. I'm a husband.

That's right.

- You are, aren't you?
- Yes.

There.

- That was a little one.
- Yes.

- Now, show me a big one.
- Oh, no, not now. I'm too hot.

No wonder you're too hot.
You're laced up too tight.

Oh, no. Don't you undo those.
I've nothing underneath.

You must be joking.
Go on, I won't look.

Oh, well, all right, then.
But I'll undo them.

If you promise to keep your
eyes shut all the time?

Yes, yes, of course, yes.

I won't be a minute.

There, that's better.

Come on, where are you?

Cor... Ooh.

Oh, Bet, my darling Bet,

you are beautiful.

- Ooh, what have I done?
- Hee, hee.

You little devil, you.

Come here.

There must be an easier way
to earn a loving. Come here.

Ah, good day, my love.
Good day indeed.

And where, might I ask, have you
been for the past two weeks?

Me? I had to go down to Bristol
to lay a foundation stone.

Yes, I rather thought you
might be laying something.

How good it is to see my dear wife

so happily intent
on her embroidery.

And why should I not
be happy, my lord,

when it is something
to remind me of you?

Me? Really? Let's have a look.

It is not quite finished yet.

No. No, don't tell me...

Oh, yes. "Henry is a...

shining example to one and all."

Oh, now you have spoilt
my little surprise.

And talking of surprises, my
love, I have one for you.

Yes?

Something you've
needed for some time.

Isn't it a little late for that?

You'll never guess. A
new lady-in-waiting.

Come in, my dear.

There you are.

Now, don't say I never
get you anything.

Go on, say your piece.

Your Majesty,

it is a great honour.
The King has done me.

No, no, no. No full stop.

A great honour the
King has done me.

Oh, that's right. Sorry.

It is a great honour the King
has done me by making me.

By making me your lady-in-waiting.

Dear, oh, dear.

By making me your lady-in-waiting.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

A whole month gone

and nothing but an
occasional wave do I get

from her to still the
fever in my blood.

Methinks, sire, it is high
time we went hunting again.

No, I'm in no mood for that.

Ooh, I have such a passion for
this wench, it rots my very socks.

- Then make her yours.
- Don't you think I've tried?

But every time my eager
hand lights upon

her... flesh, you can
hear the wedding march.

- Oh, then you must marry her.
- And lose 50,000 crowns?

Perhaps for nothing? Oh, no. I've
been tricked by women before.

Too often have I split
open a likely looking pod

to find nothing but
shrivelled peas within.

You have not seen her without?

No, worst luck.

If I could only be
sure that the...

were all they promised, I
would indeed risk all.

Well, sire,

there are more ways than
one to peel a banana.

- Over here, we have petunias.
- They're lovely.

A little further down
is the rose garden.

They're beautiful.

The gardeners are kept very busy.
There's quite a lot of them.

Well, there would need
to be, wouldn't there?

The swans should be
coming up fairly shortly.

- Over there, you see.
- Oh, where?

Oh, yes.

I've got the biggest
swan in the country.

Come over here, I'll
show it to you.

Yes.

Now, just over here, you
get a beautiful view.

Just er... round about
there, I would say.

Oh.

You twit.

Oh, you poor thing.

You're all wet through. Here, let
me help you off with your cloak.

No, no, it's the wrong way
round. I was supposed to help...

See? That is the
window of the room

where she daily
bathes at this hour.

Ha, ha. Right, no
mistakes this time.

Don't worry, sire,
nothing can go wrong.

All right, let's go.

- Well, come on, come on.
- She won't move, sire.

Giddy-up, you lazy lump.

No. Argh.

M'lord, sir Roger's
given in. He'll

sign a retraction statement.

Thank heavens. After
all these weeks

of waiting. Well, bring him in.

Cromwell, you win again.

I warned you, sir
Roger. We'll go to...

We'll go to any lengths
to get what we want.

You sent for me, my lord?

Yes, Mistress Bet. We're
so well pleased with

your services that we
wish to honour you.

- Oh. Oh, how lovely.
- Carry on, my Lord Cardinal.

It is Our most gracious Majesty's
desire that you be given this.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

Shall I put it on?

Not yet. A ceremonial gown goes

with it that you
must put on first.

- Oh. Now?
- Of course.

But surely Your Grace
would not be so cruel as

to ask me to take this one
off before your eyes?

Of course not. That's
what the screen is for.

Oh, I'm sorry I
misjudged you, my lord.

- Phwoar.
- Do you mind?

Oh, I beg your pardon,
Your Majesty,

but I have ne'er seen one
so beautifully endowed.

Those dimpled shoulders,

that slender neck,

those shell-like ears...

Later. I'm going the other way.

Sire, I have it. I have it.

Quiet.

There. Is it all right?

Absolutely perfect, my dear.

Cromwell, you couldn't
have come at a

better time. Meet
your future queen.

How do you do, madam? Here it
is at last, sire. Duly signed.

Future queen?

That's right. As from
as soon as possible.

But I have, sir Roger's
retraction here. Look.

Retraction, you fool. What use
is that? I want a divorce.

A divorce? But what
of Queen Marie?

Your issue? The
50,000 gold crowns?

You charlatan. Would
you put mere gold

before the well-being
of all England?

Wellbeing of England?

Certainly. If I'm happy,
everybody's happy.

What are you waiting for?
Go and get that confession.

Well, there you are,
then. As you see, I've

managed to get your old
room back for you.

- It's really quite...
- Please, my Lord Cardinal.

Spare me the bit about the view
from the window. I've seen it.

Well, it won't be for
long. Just until they

get, sir Roger's
confession of paternity.

My lord, you are still
my friend, art thou not?

Oh, I most definitely art, yes.

Then help me get word of my

imprisonment to my
cousin King Francis.

Oh, not another letter, please.

Oh, 'tis only a short one.

Oooh...

Don't worry, I'll tell him.

What do you mean, he won't
fit into it any more?

The rack won't go any further,
m'lord. He's outgrown it.

That's ridiculous. There
must be some way.

Here, wait a minute.

What about the iron maiden?
I've never tried that.

Well, I suppose we
could give it a try.

Hello? Anyone in there?

Oh, no, it says vacant. Look.

That's a bit of luck.

Would you mind? Thanks. The hat.

There. I think I can manage it.

Mind you don't prick yourself.

Bye-bye.

Don't stay in there too long.
Others may want to use it.

Move the spikes in one inch daily.

- Your Majesty.
- Did you get the confession?

- I fear not, sire.
- It's been a whole week.

I know. His stamina's amazing.

But I don't think
he can keep it up.

I don't think I can either.

How much longer are we going
to stand here waiting?

All right. Take a
break. Back in an hour.

Then that is the plan, gentlemen.

We rescue Queen Marie
from the Tower,

confront Henry with her,

and force his abdication
in her favour.

Agreed. But how will
we gain access to

the main gate? It's
heavily bolted.

Yes. That is the main problem.

Well, I still have those
barrels of gunpowder.

Thank you, Fawkes.

Well, well, I see you're
keeping busy, madam.

Yes, it is a present
for my cousin Francis.

When it is finished, I would like
you to smuggle it out to him.

Oooh.

Ooh, I do hope that won't
be necessary, madam.

Sir Roger has not
confessed yet, then?

No, no.

No, madam, it's quite
extraordinary. Two weeks now.

Is it true, then? He
is ready to sign?

I think so, m'lord.
At the last turn

of the spikes, he
cried out, "Enough."

Oh, good. Open up, then,
quickly. Open up.

Well, well, sir Roger.

- You've had enough, then?
- I'll say.

There was a shocking draught in
the most extraordinary places.

Well, help him out.
Quickly, quickly.

Sign here.

Oh, do you mind? First,
please, can I have a drink?

Yes. Water, quickly.
Go to the King

immediately and tell
him the good news.

Here, sign. Sign here.

Sir Roger is to sign
the confession.

That's it. I'm
divorced. Here we go.

Come on, love. Wake
up. This is it.

Where's Wolsey? Where is he?

He said he had to go to
Canterbury to try a witch.

- Try a witch. Why?
- Oh, don't ask me.

I should have thought they'd
be the same as any other girl.

He doesn't mean "try"
in that sense.

Never mind, we'll
do it without him.

We weren't going to do
it with him, were we?

I mean get married.

But how?

Nothing to it. Just stand
there. I'll show you.

She does. I do. I now
declare us. That's it.

In you go. Through there.

- Is that all?
- What do you want? Organ music?

- But I don't feel married.
- You will in half an hour.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Every inch a queen and
every inch accounted for.

What are you reading?

Ball's Book of English Law.

- Pardon?
- It says here

that no marriage is
legal unless it is

performed by a member
of the church.

Oh, that's just Ball's... outlook.

- But it says it.
- I know that.

But what you don't
know is that I made

myself head of the English Church.

- Really? When?
- Right now.

Oh, so it's all right,
then. I really am Queen?

That's it. Bet, Queen of England.

You'll have to tell me
what my duties are.

I'll do better. I'll show you.

How many times do I
have to tell them about

that? It could have
ruined my prospects.

Poor Henry. Can I do something?

If you can't, I've
been wasting my time.

Hang on.

Oh, Bet. Sweet Bet.

How long have I waited
for this moment?

Oh, dear Henry. I do hope I shall
not be a disappointment to you.

- I'm sure you won't.
- But it's all right for you.

- You've had plenty of practise.
- Oh, Bet, sweet Bet.

Oh, no, go away. I'm busy.

Pardon, but it's King Francis.
He's riding into the courtyard.

Francis.

It is Francis. I'm sorry,
love. I'll have to go.

Keep it warm. I'll be
back as soon as I can.

- Fanny.
- Gracey.

Oh, pardon. Lipstick.

How overjoyed I am to see
you again, my dear friend.

And I you. I hope you did not
mind my coming unheralded?

Not at all. I am
honoured to see my

noble, well-loved
ally at any time.

Merci. Up ze glorious
line of England.

And up yours. Well,
I won't keep you. I

expect you're wanting
to get back home.

True, true.

But I could not bear
to leave without first

paying respects to my
dear cousin, Queen Marie.

Yes... Well, now, that's not
quite possible at the moment.

No?

Well, she's getting
very near her time.

How you so quaintly put it.

In ze club of ze pudding?

That's it. Queen's
pudding. Ha, ha.

And no doubt she will be resting
up in her bedchamber now?

Naturally. Where else?

You know, this will make you
laugh very much. But...

An absurd rumour has reached me...

Yes?

Zat she is being
confined in ze Tower.

The Tower? Ha, ha.

Absurd, I know. Something about
ze pudding not being yours.

Ha, ha.

I've never heard anything
so ridiculous in my life.

Absurd, I know. That is
what I tell my advisors.

You see,

Bidet, I told you, there was
no need to bring ze army.

Army?

Just 20,000 men. They
are encamped at Dover.

Fancy. I hope they're
enjoying themselves.

Dover can be very nice
at this time of year.

I thought ze change
would do them good.

They're very restless, you know.

They have not fought
for some time.

Yes, I've er...
just had a thought.

I'll pop upstairs and see if
Marie can see you for a while.

Oh, zat would be most kind.

I thought it might be.
Meanwhile, I'll have

some food and wine
brought in for you.

- Oh, zat would be delightful.
- Yes.

Get wine and food. Keep them
occupied as long as you can.

Yes, sire.

- Wolsey, come here.
- Ooh, I'm so sorry...

Never mind. Go to the Tower fast
as you can and bring Marie here.

- What?
- Go on. Go on.

Oh, Fawkes.

You and your bloody gunpowder.

Just a minute.

Come on.

Well, well, well.
Looking after you

all right, are they, gentlemen?

Plenty of wine?

Where's King Francis?

I fear he grew
impatient, my lord, and

decided to go up and
surprise the Queen.

Oh, no.

Now it's war.

Haw-haw-haw.

Surprise.

Oh, pardon, madam.

Oh, that's all right.

I thought this was the
Queen's bedchamber.

Oh, it is. Who are you, then?

Francis,

King of France.

At your service.

Oh, I say. Two kings in my room
in one night. That's going it.

- Mon Dieu, you are ravishing.
- What, me?

What we call in France,
un Petit raver.

Ooh.

But tell me, I must
know... who are you?

Oh, I'm the Queen, silly.

Ze Queen?

Oh, you've met.

Who is this and what does she
mean by... she is the Queen?

Did she tell you
that? She's having

you on. Don't take any notice.

You're a naughty girl. What are
you doing in the Queen's bed?

Waiting for you.

Ha. Ha.

I understand. She
is your mistress?

She is not. She's the Queen's
lady-in-waiting, Mistress Bettina.

What are you talking
about? You married me.

Ha, ha. Married.

That's a laugh.

She's a nice, little thing but
she hasn't got much up here.

But she makes up for it elsewhere?

Don't you think we ought
to go back downstairs?

No, no. I wish to have a few
words with Mistress Bettina.

My dear, are you hiding
something from me?

In this nightgown?
You must be joking.

Then zere is something I want
you to tell me very truthfully.

Yes, what?

I wish to know where Marie is.

- Marie?
- Yes, yes.

Oh, she's up the spout.

Er, no, no. I don't zink
you quite understand.

Where, is, she?

Oh. Oh, she's upstairs.

Upstairs?

That's right. In the Tower.

So, it is true?

Now, wait a minute,
Fanny. I can explain.

Don't bother.

I shall return...

with my army.

Big mouth.

Gentlemen.

We will rejoin ze army.

It is war.

Fanny, wait. Here, Fanny.

Fanny, come here.
Now, let me explain.

You are a liar. You told me the
Queen was not in ze Tower.

Only because I didn't
want to worry you.

Worry? Me?

You see, I had news of a
plot on the Queen's life.

They were going to abduct
her from the palace.

- And?
- And well, to fool them,

we put the lady-in-waiting
in her room and

Wolsey took the Queen to
the Tower for safety.

I hope zis time you are
telling me the truth.

Why should I lie?

Your Majesty...

Here's Wolsey. He'll tell you.

Your Majesty, I have dire news.

I'm not interested in
your personal complaints.

- But, sire...
- Never mind.

King Francis would
like to know whether

the Queen is safely in the Tower.

No, she isn't.

Don't mess about. You can
tell him. It's fine.

But she isn't there.
She's been abducted.

Well, Henry? What
game is this, huh?

I cannot believe it.
My dear beautiful

wife, to lose her at such a time.

And it's all your
fault, you Cardinal.

Me? What have I done?

What haven't you done?
I entrusted her

to you and you betrayed my trust.

I've been trying to get
rid of her for a year.

There's only one
cure for traitors.

- To the Tower with him.
- Ooh, no. Get your hands off me.

Sire, look... Mind my hat.

Listen, can I explain?

My lord...

My beloved Marie.

My only true love.

Bear up. All is not lost.

She may yet be found alive.

I hope not... er,
hope all is not lost.

I cannot bear the...

thought of never holding
that lissom form

in my arms again. Oh,
the enormity of it.

She was a bit on the
large side, Gracey.

But I loved her, Fanny.
Every little acre of her.

I know how you feel.

I only recently lost my
last queen, you know.

- Oh, I didn't know. How?
- It was quite sudden.

She... caught her neck
in ze guillotine.

- Her Majesty, Queen Marie.
- What?

Marie.

Oh, dear cousin.

Welcome, Francis.

What a joy to see you safe and...

Well.

Thanks only to Lord Hampton here.

My love. My own
true love, I cannot

tell you how delighted I am.

You may not be so
delighted once you

have heard what Lord
Hampton has to say.

Sire, it is my painful duty...

No, no. No apologies,
my dear Hampton.

It is enough that
you have delivered

my dear Queen safely back to me.

I do not think you
can understand...

And your grateful
King will reward you.

I know you're a poor man.

Yes. But actually, I came here...

No, no modesty, my dear
Hampton. Give me your sword.

Kneel.

Hampton of Wick, we
do herewith dub you

Lord of the Duchy of Berkshire.

Arise, Hampton, Prince of Berks.

Sire, I am sensible
to the honour but...

And the 10,000 crowns a
year that go with it.

I am your most loyal
servant, Your Majesty.

You'd better be. You now have
our permission to withdraw.

Lord Hampton.

Have you forgotten the
purpose of your coming?

I am sorry, madam, but I must
live up to my family motto:

"Non fartum contra tornaetrum,"

which unhappily means "Fight
not against thunder."

Well, I'm glad that's all settled.

Now I must take you
up to bye-byes.

Oh, no, you don't, Henry Tudor.

I am not yet finished with you
or that puny little Hampton.

Now, steady, love. Not in
front of the visitors.

You may have been able to
silence him. But not me.

Cousin Francis, I must tell you...

Sire. Sire.

Sire, I have it.

Look, the confession. All signed.

What confession? What do you mean?

Sir Roger's confession
of paternity...

Oh. Yes, well, perhaps
some other time.

Just a minute. Let me see that.

So it's you that's been
fermenting this dastardly lie.

Yes... What?

Do you think I would
have believed it

possible of such a
loving wife as she?

But I thought...

This is what I think of
your base treachery.

No.

And you will go the way
of all traitors. Guards.

But I have done
your bidding, sire.

Quiet. To the Tower.

The Tower. Not the Tower.
Anything but the Tower.

Oh, I beseech you from my bowels.

Oh, hear. Hear.

Would you credit it? My
own Lord Chancellor.

I tell you, you cannot
trust anyone these days.

How very true.

And now, Marie, what were
you about to tell me, huh?

Only that...

Henry has been a most
loving and devoted husband

and will, I am certain, continue
to be so for the rest of our days.

- Right, dear?
- Yes, dear. Of course, dear.

And will renounce
all other seasoning

and convert to the garlic? Right?

Naturally.

In that case, I can return
to France reassured.

Good. Don't think
that I'm not grateful

for the concern you
showed my dear wife.

If there's anything
I can do in return?

Oh, no, no... Yes.
There is something.

- Name it. She'll be yours.
- Er, Marie has a lady-in-waiting,

Mistress Bettina, who
has held my fancy.

- Er, no, no...
- But of course you may have her.

She would make an excellent queen.

Do you not think so, Henry?

Oh, no, not her. Not for a
great king like Francis.

Do you not think so, Henry?

Yes, dear. Wonderful.

Well, goodbye, Bet.

Bye, Henry. Oh, isn't it
exciting? Me, Queen of France.

Yes, innit?

What a good job you
found out we weren't

really married before
we did anything.

Yes, wasn't it?

On avance.

What I do for England.

Your Majesty, the
Queen is in labour.

Don't worry, they'll
never get back in.

No, no, no, in child labour, sire.

Blimey.

Where is he? I must see the
little b... er, fella.

My son.

The image of you, dear.

Dear wife,

I am eternally grateful to you.

To show my gratitude,
I shall devote the

rest of my life to
you and you alone.

- Who's that?
- The new lady-in-waiting, sire.

Her name is Catherine Howard.

What do you mean,
it's all my fault?

Well, you arranged the
match with Marie.

- Rubbish. It was all your idea.
- It wasn't.

- It was.
- Liar.

Hypocrite.

Stop. Stay the execution.

What? Are we pardoned, sire?

Yes, I have urgent
need of your services.

Oh, well, I shall only be too
happy to serve Your Majesty.

Me, too, sire. You've
only to command.

I want an immediate divorce.

- Yes...
- What?

Carry on, executioner.

Carry on.