Original subtitles

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

[relaxed music]

[sighs]

[laughs]

That feels really good.

I know what else can make you feel good.

What?

I'm thinking about tying you up.

I'm gonna tie you up right now...

[whispers] with spaghetti.

Spaghetti? Really?

Yeah, I love spaghetti.

Okay, that's good. Just keep doing that.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

[phone ringing]

[answering machine beeps]

(man) Paul?

It's grandpa.

Why are you stopping?

(man) I know you're there.

Paul?

Hello? Damn it.

- Wonder what he wanted. - I don't know.

You should call him back, Paul.

Maybe somebody broke in and tied him up with spaghetti.

- Good night. - What?

What do you mean, good night?

No, no, no, no, we're just getting started, babe.

I lost it, Paul.

Spaghetti, your grandfather...

- No, no, no. - I think I smell old people.

- I really do. - You smell amazing.

I got a big day tomorrow. Good night, sweetheart.

Karen, are you seriously gonna leave me hanging?

You know I have to go take care of myself now, right?

Yeah, just turn the fan on in the bathroom

so I don't have to hear it.

You can hear me?

[door rattles closed]

[fan whirring]

[fan clicks off]

[Zeus' You Gotta Teller]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

(man) ♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

Yeah!

(man) ♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

[skates scraping]

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

[car horn honks]

You are my favorite grandson.

You know that?

I'm your only grandson, Grandpa.

Yeah, I know, but even so,

your sister Janine is so self-involved,

she hasn't been around to see me in three months.

Oh, no, Janine is in the slums of Maharashtra, India,

trying to bring clean water and sanitation

to the children there.

Which is a fancy way of saying

she's banging some goddamn Indian.

No, it's a school thing.

Goddamn liberal Indian bang schools.

I never liked her anyway.

You, I like.

- Well, thanks, Grandpa. - I've had a great life, Paulie.

Nine or ten of them, if you count 'em up,

really, I have.

I'm tired.

The chemo's wiped me out. I'm done.

- You just need some rest. - No, no, no, no, no.

You don't understand what I'm saying.

Finito.

Finale. I give up.

I need you to put me out of my misery.

I need you, my favorite grandson,

to kill me for once and for all.

You want me to kill you?

I'm begging you.

And how am I supposed to do this?

You figure it out. Google it or something.

But I need to be checked out by Sunday.

Why Sunday?

Because I can't bear to watch another Jets game.

I don't know, Grandpa.

I don't think I'm equipped to do this.

It'll go a long way toward proving that you're not a homo.

[sighs]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

(man) Yo, I got smashed the other night,

and I hooked up with this chick

who looked just like Wayne Gretzky.

I hooked up with a girl looked like Eric Lindros.

She was like 6'10". It was sick.

I found out that Gretzky peed in his pants

every game he played, just pissed.

Oh, yeah. You didn't know that?

- What, you knew that? - Obviously.

When you get a Gretzky jersey,

you ask for the one that has the urine in it.

- Mm-hmm. - That's like his autograph.

Like, he would pee in the jerseys before every game.

Sometimes he's peed on the other guys' jerseys.

He peed on the other guys' jerseys?

Yeah, like, for luck.

That's why the Rangers never won,

because they didn't let him pee in his jerseys.

Dude, he should piss all over us. We suck today.

[banging] There it is.

Dickie, what'd you get, another new stick?

Yeah, Bauer VAPOR 1X.

Guaranteed to go top shelf with this bad boy.

Yeah, top shelf of some guy's ass, maybe.

Where's the stick from last week?

I threw that away, dude.

Oh, dude, I would've loved that stick.

What would you have done with it, man?

It would've been terrible for you.

It recoils in the lower shaft, and it's too stiff.

Sebalos loves his shafts stiff.

Bang. Exploding.

[guffaws] That's so original.

Dude, what is with you?

It's just some crazy shit went down

with my grandpa this morning, so...

Oh, really? I'm sorry, man.

- Is he okay? - Yeah, kind of.

I mean, actually, not really, no.

Well, what's wrong?

It's just he's shot.

What is this world coming to?

Who would shoot an old man?

What? No, no.

He's shot mentally.

He wants to die. He's done.

And he wants me to do it.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Hold on. He wants you to do what?

Kill him, basically.

You're kidding, right?

- No. - Dude, that is awesome.

- Awesome? - Yeah.

That is a serious honor, man,

like some real samurai shit.

He could've chosen anybody, but he chose you.

Yeah, I think I'd prefer if he chose anybody.

Well, how much is he leaving you?

- What? - In his will, I mean.

What are you– what do you–I don't know.

I don't even know if he has a will.

Well, that's something you're gonna want to find out, dude.

You have leverage right now.

That's a conversation you want to have

sooner than later.

Dickie, you seriously are a twisted-ass person.

Yeah, Dickie, you're a sick bastard.

I would've loved that stick you threw out,

you son of a bitch.

Enough with the stick.

Paul's got a real situation here.

Well, money aside, I would definitely grant him his wish.

Yeah, I mean, dude, if you think about it,

it's not the craziest idea.

I mean, he's gonna croak any day now.

- What is he, like, 90? - 78.

And, yes, this is crazy.

I wouldn't even know where to start.

(Randy) Cinnamon, bro.

Dude, he's not having a bake sale, okay?

He's murdering somebody, and it's not just anybody,

for crap's sake. It's his own peepaw.

That's not even funny, Dickie. Bro, relax.

He's just trying to help, and, Dickie, it's not murder exactly.

- Eeh... - No, it is.

That's why you want to make it look like something else.

See, you and your grandpa each take the cinnamon challenge,

make it look like you wanted to play a game.

He goes first. Shit dries up in his lungs.

With his age and health, he'll drop like a rock.

Then you're free and clear, bro.

You want me to watch my grandfather

gasp for his last breath?

Oh, or you could do the Dexter thing

and just wrap him in plastic and then chop him up.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

I'm not gonna Dexter him,

and I'm not gonna kill him with cinnamon, all right?

Jesus, for someone who's about to kill his peepaw,

you got an awful lot of rules.

What about the ice bucket challenge?

Is that still a thing?

No, they cured ice bucket disease, dude,

and, plus, that was just ice water anyway.

Yeah, but you just replace the ice water

with acid or something. It's perfect.

- Ooh. - I hate you guys so much.

You know who can help us? My uncle John.

I'm gonna take you to go see him.

Relax, buddy. We got your back.

Don't even worry. Let's go.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

(man) Wait a minute. Every time I go to grab one

and you tell me I can't have it, it makes a Pung.

It's not your turn.

You're making up your own rules.

Wait your turn. It's not rules.

But it's a Pung. You said it's like Go Fish.

- It's the same– - Uncle John.

I'm not interrupting, right?

Hang on a second.

[rap music playing]

It's lunch, and I'm on a roll, so make it fast, kid.

- Pork bun? - No, I'm good.

I just wanted to introduce you

to my friend Paul.

(Anthony) We had a question we wanted to ask.

Yeah, what's that?

Maybe we should go outside.

Don't worry about the crouching tigers.

They don't speak English.

He's fine.

Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of him.

He has a very low retention rate.

(Paul) Okay, um, Anthony?

What, me?

Dude, it's your grandfather.

Yeah, but I don't do this a lot, so just...

(Anthony) Okay, but you said that if I brought you here–

Hey. [both speaking at once]

We don't have all day.

All right, fine. I'll go.

Uncle John, we were wondering if you may know someone

who could kill Paul's grandfather.

I thought you said they don't speak English.

What are you insinuating?

That I'm, what, a murderer?

No, no, no, no. It's not like that.

It's–it's just that my grandpa's really sick.

Apparently not as sick as you.

(man) Let me ask you a question.

What did this scumbag do to you, huh?

Give you a little diddle when you were a kid?

No, no, he didn't diddle me.

You sure there wasn't a little tickle time late at night?

It's okay. You can tell the truth.

Yeah, I'm absolutely sure there was no tickle time.

He's a great grandpa.

Well, then, why do you want him dead?

I don't. It's just–

I'm confused. Is it me?

Do you understand what the hell he's saying?

[speaking foreign language] [bleep].

[speaking foreign language]

What?

Guys, let me just explain, okay?

Paul's his favorite grandson.

- I'm his only grandson. - You know what?

That's sweet,

but I've had enough for one day.

Why don't you guys go sharpen your skates or something?

I got a few thousand yen to take here.

(Anthony) Right, but–

Suck a dick, Anthony,

and get lost...now.

Absolutely. Sucking a dick.

Thanks for your time, Uncle John.

You would kill your papa?

[speaking foreign language]

You're right.

Let's... Let's just get out of here.

[bell jingles]

Well, that went well.

[whistles] Guys, guys.

I think I can help you out.

- Really? - Bro, that's awesome.

Gonna run you about 25 grand.

- Not that awesome. - Hey, hey, listen to me.

It's worth it, okay?

Your pervert grandfather won't know what T hit hi.

He's not a pervert. He's, uh...

Okay, yeah, maybe he is.

You're right. Is this a good–this is good?

No, no, this is better than good.

I came across a couple of vintage grenades

at a garage sale in Sayville.

I'm gonna put two so far up his ass

that when they explode,

his colon's gonna soar through the sky

like a [bleep] sonic jet.

Boom, huh?

How about we talk it over,

and then we'll get back to you?

All right, all right, you know what?

For you, because this is John's nephew,

I'll do it for 20 Gs, but we have to close right now.

I got a schedule.

Well, I appreciate the family discount,

and I just feel like we need to have a discussion

before we decide to blow my grandpa's asshole open

with grenades, so thank you.

You know, I can't hold on to these grenades forever

for youse, right?

You understand that?

Well, that's just a chance we're gonna take,

'cause we got to talk it over, so...

- Go to go run. - Serious?

- Yep. Thanks. - Yeah.

All right, you know where to find me, though, right?

- Uh-huh. - I do financing.

(Paul) So, Grandpa,

I've been thinking about what you said.

I really have.

I even spoke to Anthony here about it.

How you doing, Mr. Rosenberg?

[mouthing words]

Anyway, I'm thinking you really don't want to die.

Yeah, life seems like it's going downhill right now,

but maybe you just need to change up your routine

or get a new project.

Yeah, like, I think, you know, the exterior of the house

could use a new coat of paint.

[murmurs and scoffs]

(Anthony) Okay.

All I'm saying is that, you know,

if you're depressed, maybe you should talk to somebody.

I told you I'm done. My friends are dead.

My body's giving out. Shit, I had to go out

and buy an extra high toilet seat the other day

just to keep my sack from touching the water.

Yeah, that might be a sign.

This is not a debate,

and it's not a request.

Now, you went and thought about it,

so what did you come up with?

I can't do it.

We spoke to a guy, and he wants 25 grand

to put grenades up your ass.

I'm sitting here putting my affairs in order,

and you're telling me you're gonna get some stranger

to put grenades up my ass?

Jesus, Grandpa, this is new to me, okay?

It's not like I went to college for assisted suicide.

- What'd you go for? - Economics.

Oh, that's boring as shit.

I'm surprised you haven't killed yourself.

Look, I'm gonna die,

and you're gonna help me.

- How? - Choke me.

That'll be best for both of us.

I'll be back in a second.

Holy shit, bro.

You may really have to do this.

I mean, it seems like it's what he wants, right?

So what? I want a big set of tits in my face.

You gonna make my dream come true?

Dude, this is murder,

not to mention you're breaking, like, the first commandment.

I don't think that's the first commandment.

It's definitely the first commandment.

All of a sudden you're a man of God?

I don't think Moses was walking around with his stone tablets

looking for a big set of tits in his face.

Yeah, well, at least I'm not playing God.

He's miserable. He's begging me.

Well, morally it's wrong, so...

Oh, you of all people are not gonna weigh in on morality.

- All right, buddy? - Yeah, well...

(Paul) What's this?

This is my life insurance policy.

I made you the beneficiary.

It's 10 grand.

Oh, I'll do it, Mr. Rosenberg.

- Fine. - No prob–

I'll do it.

Do me a favor.

Keep him at home when you do it.

[whispers] Okay.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

(Paul) Hey, where's Declan?

I threw him to bed. He was being a lunatic tonight.

Yeah, I can relate to that.

I, uh– I need to talk to you.

Remember when my grandpa called the other day?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Well, I went over to see him,

and he asked me to do something.

He wants to die.

Don't we all?

Yeah, but he wants me to do it.

He wants me to choke him to death.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

Well, when you said no, he said what?

I...

What did he say when you said no, Paul?

See, I didn't exactly say no.

Honey, are you insane?

You cannot choke him to death.

I know, but he was begging me, okay?

And he had a lot of really good arguments

as to why I should do it.

Wait a second.

I don't even know why we're talking about this.

I know you,

and you can't pull this off.

What, you don't think I have the mental strength?

No, I don't think you have the physical know-how.

Excuse me? Of course I do, okay?

Okay, Chris Weidman,

show me what you got.

Choke me out.

Okay. Fine.

I'm not gonna go full speed.

Okay, thanks.

I love you.

- Am I hurting you? - [laughs]

Just stop.

Okay, you really have no idea what you're doing.

First of all, you don't do it from the front.

You do it from behind.

How long have I been taking self-defense?

- A long time. - Yeah.

Okay. Get behind me.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Now keep your body close... - Right.

But your head back.

- Take your left arm across. - All right.

And press your left forearm against my neck.

And now grip the inside of your right elbow.

Okay.

Then use your right hand

to press my head forward.

Oh, okay.

- Hey, now. Hey. - Hey.

Can you please stop grinding on me like that?

Grandpa's not gonna sit still for you, Paul.

Maybe so, but I don't think he's gonna be

moving his ass like this. Hey.

What, you don't like it?

No, I do like it. That's the problem.

Oh, my God, that feels good.

[relaxed music]

[phone ringing]

Oh, no.

[ringing continues]

♪ ♪

[answering machine beeps]

(Jerry) Paul, it's grandpa.

I just wanted to thank you for everything

and tell you I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Good night.

Good night.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

You look good.

But before we get started,

take this.

I made you my Facebook legacy contact.

Here's all the information you'll need

to keep my page updated and active.

Great.

For how long?

I don't know.

At least until you're my age.

There's enough material there

to carry it through the next three Muslim presidents.

What is this other stuff?

That's my legacy.

My greatest hits, if you will.

This is your greatest hits?

Damn straight.

This picture here was taken

July 4, 1976, the bicentennial.

Jack Smyth bet me I couldn't drink 76 cans of Schlitz.

He lost.

All right, let's get on with it.

[sighs]

You sure you want me to do this?

How many times have we talked about this?

I can't go on living this way anymore.

Okay. Here goes.

[sighs]

(Jerry) Where you going?

Just relax, okay?

[sighs]

Okay.

[relaxed music]

- [grunts] - Okay.

- There you go. Okay. - [grunts]

There you go.

[both grunting]

[grunts]

What is this, Studio 54?

I asked you to choke me,

not diddle me like some back-alley queen.

You're not supposed to be moving like that.

I'm not gonna sit there on my way into the afterlife

with your pecker up against my bunghole.

Come around the front and do it the right way.

Okay. I'm sorry.

- [sighs] - I love you, Pappy.

- Just get on with it. - [sighs]

[grunting]

[both grunting]

[grunts] What did you stop for?

Because you threw my hands off of you.

It was a reflex, you moron. What did you expect?

Can't I just put a pillow over your head or something?

No, I want to look you in the eyes.

Now, come on, you pussy.

[grunts] Do it.

- [whimpering] - [grunting]

[growling] Yeah. Yeah.

[both grunting]

[gasping]

[panting]

[exhales]

[sighs]

[sobbing]

[crying]

Stop your crying.

Grandpa, oh, my God.

Thank God you're still alive.

Oh, I don't know if it was God, Paulie.

What do you mean?

While we were thrashing around there,

I started getting these flashing images

in front of my eyes.

- Of your family? - Nah.

Of some of those broads on Facebook,

and I thought I'd give the old lightsaber another chance.

Wait a minute.

That's what you were thinking about

when you were dying, is–

Yeah. [chuckles]

Not your family or your life?

Nah, not at all.

I just kept thinking about

Ronda Green's fat, juicy ass.

[both laugh]

Well, I'm glad you're alive, Grandpa.

Yeah, well, thank God you're such a weakling

with pussy hands.

[chuckling]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Where's Rosenberg?

I haven't seen him since he went to go murder his grandfather.

Got to be rough.

Heard he did that grenade challenge.

What, he actually put grenades in his grandfather's ass?

Dude, what do you expect, bro?

He's the new Dexter.

What's up, cock knockers?

(Anthony) What the hell? Mr. Rosenberg?

- Hey, fellas. - You look great, Mr. Rosenberg.

I never felt better, Shitski.

- Who taught him that name? - That would be me.

(Anthony) Uh, so how have you two been?

Well, for starters, it was a hell of a week,

but I finally saw the light, fellas,

and this guy right here,

he helped me find it.

(Anthony) Do you want to stay for the game?

I mean, be nice to have some fans on our side for a change.

I'm not here to see you guys.

I came to watch my girlfriend's grandson PJ.

- Whoa, you got a girlfriend? - Yeah. Ronda.

She was my nurse when I had my gallbladder taken out.

We just reconnected on Facebook.

That's the greatest invention ever.

There's a sea of lonely pussy out there

just waiting to be poked.

[Jerry chuckles]

Hey, Paulie told me that you guys

are having a rough season.

That is no reason for you to just give up.

Hell, a couple days ago,

I was ready to give up on everything.

I kept telling myself that life sucks.

And then at the last second,

I realized that we have to play the hand that we're dealt

and play to whatever strengths we have left.

So my advice to you guys is

to live every moment like it's your last

and do what you do best.

For me, that's banging Ronda's juicy ass,

and for you guys,

the thing might just be sucking at hockey.

[chuckles]

- Um... - Uh...

All right, well, are you guys ready to do this?

Should we do this?

I got to check in with Karen.

- Yeah, of course you do. - Okay.

We really are not very good.

It's just weird, like, what–

to have, like, a small bladder like that.

You wait 20 minutes, you just go pee.

I know. You'd think the greatest player in NHL history

would have a bit of a bigger bladder, but, I mean–

He's got a horrible bladder.

I wonder how that jersey smelled.

I wonder how much it cost.

I would say Gretzky piss jersey, 75 grand.

What if you got a Gretzky jersey,

found out it didn't have his pee.

Oh, I'd mail it right back to whoever gave it to me.

Yeah, that's like–

I only want a Gretzky piss jersey, now that I know.

That's better than an autograph.

[scoffs] Yeah.

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com