Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

MAN: We've waited weeks for reservations.

- Name? - King, party of one.

King, King. No, I'm sorry, I don't show that reservation.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me show you something, fruitcake.

Ahh!

Hands up, chowhounds.

Drop your forks and prepare to cower before the uncanny Condiment King.

- Who is that? - Some kind of nutcase.

- Just ignore him. - MAN: Someone will call security.

Hey. Hey! I don't believe this! I say cower, and you're still eating?

Well, all right then.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Now, see here, you.

(PANICKED CHATTER)

(COUGHING)

Hot sauce.

Anyone else want to be a hero?

Then take out your wallets, cash and jewels

and toss them here on the table. Come on. Right now.

DISPATCH: Disturbance reported at the top of the Crown restaurant.

Suspect is a male, costumed extremist armed with what appears to be

a ketchup gun.

It's gonna be one of those nights.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

So long, suckers. Parting is such sweet-and-sour sorrow.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(YELP$)

What's this?

Ah! The big, bad Bat-guy.

I knew you'd catch up to me sooner or later. How I've relished this meeting.

You, the dynamic Dark Knight, versus me, the conceptual Condiment King.

Come, Batman.

Let's see if you can cut the mustard--

- Quiet. -(GROANS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

- You hit me. - Now, listen, Mustard Man,

or whatever you call yourself.

You're obviously new at this, so I'm willing to go easy on you.

Provided you give back the loot and never even think about doing this again.

Deal?

- Horseradish! - This is your last warning.

Let's go, Batso. You and me.

I'm the prince of pickles, sultan of sauce.

You don't stand a chance. You hear me?

Later, chump.

(SCREAMING)

Hang on.

(SCREAMING)

-(THUDS) -(TIRES SCREECH)

Harvey, call an ambulance.

I know this man.

He's that TV comic, Buddy Standler.

SUMMER". Still no clues in the mystery

behind comedian Buddy Standler's

one-man crime spree last night.

A rampage that ended with a trip to the hospital for the famed TV comic.

Though Standler himself is unable to account for his actions,

his manager had these observations.

I don't get it. Buddy's just thrown his entire career away.

The network's canceling his show

and the restaurant's suing him for a million dollars.

Why'd he do it? It just doesn't make sense.

That's too bad. I watch Standler's show all the time. He's great.

Any idea what would have caused him to go off the deep end?

No, but talk about bad timing.

He was supposed to be one of the judges

for the annual laugh-off competition tonight.

Alfred and I bought tickets.

By the way, where is Alfred?

-one side, mac. - I beg your pardon.

-(GASPS) -Ooh. Pretty. I want it.

- Hey, you can't do that. - Sure I can, lady.

I'm the Pack Rat,

-and your trash is my treasure. - Hey!

Mmm. Shiny.

Security!

Oh, no, you don't.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Whoa, dibs on the dummy hand.

Good heavens.

I've been looking everyplace for one of these.

- Yes? - ALFRED: Master Bruce?

Alfred?

I think you're needed at Mayfield's right away, sir.

There's a man with a gun running amok.

- He's-- -(GUN COCKING)

A word of advice, mac. Never rat on a rat.

BATMAN: Alfred?

-(GUNFIRE) - Alfred!

You'll get oatmeal and like it.

Listen, Eddie, if they expect me to judge that stupid laugh-off again,

they'd better be prepared to pay.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hold on, I got somebody at the door.

- Yeah? - MAN: Pizza delivery.

I didn't order any pizza.

(SNIFFING)

- But I'll take it. How much? -It's on me.

LISA: Hey! (COUGHING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

Okay, everybody, empty your pockets.

(ALL GASP)

I want gum wrappers, loose string, those little balls of lint.

None of that cash stuff.

Hey!

What?

So it's the rat versus the bat and the brat.

Only one will survive, and that's gonna be me.

Everybody, clear out.

(ULULATING)

(YELP$)

Come on out.

(GASPS)

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

(SCREAMS)

(YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

ROBIN: It's Harry Loomis.

Another famous comedian.

Look at his neck.

ROBIN: A microchip?

Mind control.

This is beginning to point toward our old friend, the Mad Hatter.

Wake up, Jervis. We have to talk.

Come on, rise and shine.

Wow, he's really out.

Here's what we know.

Someone implants the Mad Hatter with one of his own mind-control devices,

then does the same thing to two comedians.

But what's the connection?

Looks like it's three comedians now, sir.

"TV personality Lisa Lorraine was abducted

"from her apartment early this evening."

And here's our common link. This comedy competition.

ROBIN: Sure. Buddy, Harry and Lisa judge it every year.

Remember, we taped the last one.

Right here, Master Dick.

And I've cued it to something you should see.

Well, that's it for our contestants.

Now our panel of distinguished judges will choose

the funniest person in Gotham.

Not so fast, chuckles. You haven't introduced me yet.

Smiling Shecky Rimshot.

Ba-dum-boom.

Come on, already.

Good evening, ladies and germs.

Hey, did you hear about the guy walked into a doctor's office

with a frog on his head? Doctor says,

"That's the weirdest looking wart I've ever seen." Frog looks up and says,

"Yeah, I woke up this morning, there was a big bump on my butt."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Hey, then there's this guy who buys a new dog.

He takes it for a walk and the friend says--

-(BUZZER SOUNDS) - Huh?

Sorry, pal. We've already made our decision.

And for your information, registration closed days ago.

I'm not leaving until I get that trophy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh, yes, you are.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) You can't do this to me!

I'm the greatest comic in Gotham!

I'll get even. I'll ruin you all.

-(GRUNTS) - BATMAN: Freeze it right there.

I think I see what you mean, Alfred.

Without the hat...

And different hair...

ROBIN: The Joker!

HOST: I tell you, Maury, I'm dying here.

I got a full house,

and all three of my celebrity judges are either missing or in jail.

You gotta find me some replacements quick.

JOKER: Ask and ye shall receive.

What in the... (GASPS)

Permit me to introduce Judges Knuckles, Vinnie and Kowalski.

They'll be presenting me with the trophy tonight.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Listen, you can't just walk in here and take...

JOKER: Oh, but I already have.

(STRUGGLING)

These little microchips are a wonder.

Remind me to thank the Mad Hatter if he ever wakes up. (LAUGHS)

WOMAN 1: Hey, start the show already.

- Let's go already! - WOMAN 2: Start the show!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 10th annual Gotham Laff Off.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And now, it is my deepest honor to present to you

the evening's first and only contestant, Smiling Shecky Rimshot.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, folks, you're beautiful.

Funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater last year.

It seems three no-talent hacks tried to stop me from winning.

But guess what!

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) I'm back.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Oh! Such unhappy faces.

Judges, let's cheer them up.

(ALL LAUGHING)

My high-octane laughing gas will have you rolling in the aisles.

(EXPLOSION)

It's just you and us, Joker.

Not quite, Batman.

I've got a new girl, and she'll really sweep you off your feet.

(GROANS)

Lisa Lorraine?

Call me Mighty Mom.

Ain't she sweet?

My very own happy homemaker.

But I don't do windows.

(JOKER LAUGHS)

Not bad.

Honey, why don't you show our pals how you clean house?

In other words, mop 'em up.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Who's first to get dusted?

Think you can get the brain patch off her?

No problem.

"(GRUNTS) "(GROANS)

- Hey! - Naughty boy. Mama spank.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

What did I tell you about playing with your toys in the house?

- Get rid of it! - You're the boss.

(GASPS)

No! Not on my nice clean floor.

ROBIN: Just hold still. LISA: Ow!

That hurts.

(GROANS)

- Don't worry. I'm back to normal. - Who can tell?

- Stay back. - You've hit a new low, Joker.

Only you would ruin three lives for a silly piece of tin.

You're dumber than you look, Bats.

It's not the trophy that matters, it's the title.

I am the greatest clown this dismal burg has ever seen.

What would the common folk do without my pranks and antics?

Let's find out.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

UP, up and away!

Quit rocking the boat!

JOKER: Oh! Too bad, Bat-sap.

But you should have remembered the old saying,

"Dying is easy, comedy is hard."

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

-(GASPS) -(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

ROBIN: Mind if I join the party?

(GROANS)

Ow! You miserable brat.

Get this stupid thing off me.

(SCREAMING)

GODS!

Watch it.

I think I'm getting airsick.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(GROANS)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I'll get you for this, Batman! No one upstages me and lives.

-(GUNS COCKING) -ls there a problem, officers?

(YELP$)

(GROANS)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

What's so funny? I'll give you something to laugh about!

(GRUMBLING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)