Original subtitles

Thirty-five hundred dollars?

This is the best, though, right? This material? It's got to be perfect.

Señor Bianchi, this is the most beautiful suit in the world.

Can you have it ready by 4?

Hey, hey, hey.

Can you have it ready by 4 or not?

-Absolutamente . It's no problem. -Sold.

All right, I'll see you at 4. Thank you.

We change it out. It's cheaper.

It's the size, all ready to go. He never notices. It's no big deal, okay?

-How you doin', Al? -Hey.

Nice to see you. Hi.

Beautiful, huh? Like you. You're beautiful.

You're lucky guy. You know that?

Whoa. Hold this. And don't leave.

-Jackie, I can't take your money. -That one.

Every year it's the same thing.

You come in here, you buy ring for your anniversary,

and the same thing happens.

It's beautiful choice, but it ain't cheap.

She deserves the best.

What's the matter with you? That's an expensive ring.

Why don't you let my cousin Frank put zirconia on it?

Uh-uh. Need this by 4.

Kid, is this joke?

By 4? What am I, magician?

Get outta here.

Come on. Huh? This is my grandmother's lipstick.

-How you doing, Rocco? -What's up, Jake, how you doing?

-Hey. -Hey, Carla.

-This is my friend. Carla, please. -Friend?

-Come on. -Stay with your friend.

-Please. -That is not my lipstick.

-Hey, Shawn. -Hey, Jake, how are you?

-All right. Hi, Dave. -Hey. How are you?

-Fine, how you doing? -All right.

Hey, Bill. Paul. What's up?

-Hey, Jake, how are you? -I'm all right.

-Good day to be in love, you know. -Exactly.

Hey. Hand me the bar, would you?

I want flowers so beautiful,

they make these look like they were lifted off street vendor.

This'll take me days. And you give me, what?

-Two hours. -No way.

-I need 'em by 4. -I don't care.

-Four-thirty then. -No.

I gotta surprise her by 5. Come on.

I am not gonna support your foolishness.

Teresa, you know I'm loyal man,

but if not from you, I'll get 'em from someone else.

You are romantic fool.

And you make me wanna vomit with this girl.

-They'll be ready. Get outta here. -Four o'clock.

Morning, fellas.

Nice for you to show up, Princess.

Not that we're busy or anything.

-What do you got for me? -Cut the heads off these...

-...for Señora Ferrantino. -Can't do that. I'll take the register.

-No fish hook today. -Oh, no, got the register.

Uh-uh. It's the 19th of March, man.

-Are you outta your mind? -What are you, nuts?

What? What?

-It feels different. -What?

Is this the suit I chose?

Why, you don't like it now?

No, it looks good. It's just... It feels different. I don't know.

Good. 'Cause this guy feels beautiful like the sun.

Isabella. I love you more today than I loved you when…

No. I loved...

Isabella, you're more beautiful to me than…

You smell fresher than...

That's ridiculous.

Hey. Mrs Cordova. How you've been?

Always good… I hate you, Mrs Cordova.

-Who is it? -It's your dad. Buzz me up.

You're not my dad.

How do you know? You ever been genetically tested?

Go play with your brothers.

-Jake. -Happy anniversary.

Come on, buzz me up. I got something for you.

Do we have to do this every year?

Come on, let me up. This thing's burning whole in my pocket.

I miss you so much. I just want to talk.

Jake. What the hell are you doing?

-Yeah, what the hell are you doing?

It's our anniversary.

You don't have an anniversary, Jake.

She dumped you. Eight years ago.

Eight years ago.

It was misunderstanding. We'll work it out.

-A misunderstanding? -I'm gonna get her back.

Jake. This is my family. This is real.

This is between Isabella and me.

This doesn't concern you.

-She's my wife. -She's my girlfriend.

-We're married. -That's not my fault.

-Yes, actually, it is. -Jake. Please leave.

What did you expect, jackass?

Eight years. You've got serious problem. Get over it, huh?

-She's my soul mate. -Yeah, your soul mate with three kids.

-We've had our problems. -I'd say.

-Cheated on her with her sister. -And her best friend.

And her best friend in her parents' bedroom.

It was once in lifetime opportunity.

Like you two wouldn't have done the same thing.

What I'm saying is if you're truly soul mates,

maybe you would have considered that before you banged her sister.

-And her best friend. -And her best friend. In her parents' bed.

-You disgraced their bed. -I'm guy.

-It's... That's not my fault. -Eight years.

That's psychotic. Literally.

I'm not psychotic, Steve. I'm in pain.

-You know what Freud says? -No, I don't know what Freud says.

Two and half to four years tops.

Anything more is clinically psychotic.

I know what you guys are trying to do, okay?

And I appreciate it.

But...Isabella is my soul mate.

Oh, bullshit. There's no such thing as a soul mate.

You only want her because you can't have her.

-That and she is hot piece of ass. -And I love her.

And I love her. I love her. What jackass.

If you love her so much, how come you dumped her four times?

Because...I needed time.

-You know what Freud says? -I don't care what Freud says.

She's still my soul mate.

Listen. Soul mates are like fish.

They're everywhere. People fall in love because of proximity.

It has nothin' to do with the heavens.

There is a window in time when any two people can get together.

Doesn't matter who they are. It's who's around and what time.

But once that window closes… Smash! Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.

-Freud said that? -Yeah, Freud said that.

You think I make this shit up? It's wicked deep.

All right, listen. You gotta get back in the game.

Change your bait, get your rod back in the water.

I'm still in the game. I'm gonna get her back.

Miles. Come on, boy.

-Miles. -Uh-oh. You lose an animal?

Yeah. Cats stray too far though. He should be around here somewhere.

Actually, felines are known to hunt for miles...

...outside of their own home territory.

-There he is. Right there. See him? -Oh, good.

I know what he wants.

Yummy.

-Thank you. -No problem.

Give him a few minutes. The smell is irresistible.

I'm almost finished with my classes.

I'm taking night classes, you know. Finish my degree.

-I'm not all about the fish, you know. -Of course.

Psychology. The...

Is the study of the very ill with the very odd.

Yeah. Well... So…

-Are you involved? -It depends on what you mean.

I mean, are you involved with anyone?

Are you lookin' to have a good time with someone?

Or are you interested in going on date or anything like that?

Yeah, I'm not really looking.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not for me.

I'm married. See, I got ring.

It's for a friend of mine. It's kid who works here in the store.

Jackass can't seem to pull his shit together to find wife.

Yeah. I'm pretty busy.

Of course. We're all busy.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come on. Are You single or not?

-Technically, I'm single but… -Yes.

Yes. Stay right here.

-Just stay right… -No, no, no, I'm not really looking.

-No, just stay there, please. -Oh, my God.

Don't move. Gianluca, come here. Come on.

No, really. Thank you,

-but I've kinda been seeing someone… -Gianluca. Gianluca.

-What'd say? -Oh, yeah. She's attractive.

Yeah. Of course I'd have to see her without her clothes on but...

-Excuse me? -Hips are shapely and child bearing…

-Sweet, huh? -Would you mind...

-...turning around first place. -I don't think so.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

-She's perfect. Let's set him up. -Yeah.

-Are you available? -No. Not really.

Come on. He's wicked good-looking. Six-feet tall.

He's got abs like Michelangelo's David.

We'll bring him to the next Italian singles com party.

You meet us there.

And if you like what you see, you wink or something.

Yeah, and if you don't, you just leave. No obligation.

-He'll never know. -Italian singles party? I don't think so.

-I'm not even in… -It's fun.

A bunch of Italians singing and dancing. What could be better? Huh?

Just hear me out. A lot of food. Food. Booze. Singing and dancing.

-Girls. -And best yet, single Italian girls.

-Girls. -What could be better?

What could be better? For real? How about forks in my eyeballs?

Bamboo chutes out my fingernails.

-That'd be better. -No, no. This is bad idea.

-He's not Italian. -Nobody's gonna know.

I don't want to pretend to be Italian just so,

so I can go hang out with bunch of guys in gold chains...

-...and half unbutton… -What?

What, are you, too good to be Italian? Everybody wants to be Italian.

-I don't dance. -It's a party, that's it.

You meet a couple of people, you listen to some Italian music,

you come down to our level and dance a little.

I'm not Italian.

-Nobody's gonna know. -Yes.

Everybody want to be Italian. Come on.

Listen to him.

Oh, Marisa, oh. Oh!

Take you something to eat. Mangia. You no eat enough. Come on.

I'm sorry I can't tonight but thank you.

But you too skinny. Or, you need a man.

Actually that's why I'm here.

Do you know anything about an Italian club?

Italian club? The singles club?

But you not Italiana!

No, I know. But I was invited to meet a guy there.

An Italian? No, no, no.

You don't get mixed up with an Italian.

Forty-two years I was married to an Italian.

Thirty-seven times that bastard he cheat on me...

...and that's just the ones I know about.

But you loved him.

Love?

Si, of course. He was my soulmate.

But you, you're not Italian.

And I tell you something.

Italian men never, never marry a girl who's not Italian.

They play with you.

Oh, Si, they like to do that. And then they break your heart.

No. You find yourself a good Dane or even...

...an Irishman.

Oh, mannagg. What I'd trade for that.

-I know, I know. -Hmm?

-Uh-oh. What about her? -She's all right.

-She's all right? -She's fine.

-What do you mean just all right? -Come on.

You prejudiced against the most beautiful women in the world?

-No, but I'm in love you know that. -"Oh, I'm in love."

Look. This right here this is all yours.

Steve and I we're married. You owe us this.

Oh, I owe you this?

I owe it to you to pick up girls at an Italian singles bar?

-Absolutely. -Just not my thing.

Hey, hey. What about her?

-Oh, she just gave you a look. -She's cute, yeah.

That was a definite nibble. Set the hook and reel her in.

She's hot I'll give you that but I'm not interested in her.

Stop staring at me. Aren't you gonna...?

-What the hell are you doing? -Hey, you're a sea lion. Roar.

-Sea lions bark, you idiot. -Whatever.

That Guido stuff doesn't work on hot chicks. Okay?

-Oh, yeah? -She's coming over here.

She's coming. She's coming. She's coming over here.

You'd better think of something to say quickly.

Were you whistling at me?

Well, I... It was... My...

-I'm Marisa. -I'm Jake. How are you?

-Nice to meet you. -My friend's a little bit nervous here.

I think you just melted the lining in his underwear.

I didn't... Nothing... My underwear's fine.

Oh, nicely said.

Do you wanna have a seat?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Yeah? Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah. At the bar maybe? Otherwise they'll continue this.

-Okay. -No, no. Just go get her a drink.

Just put it on the card. It's a company expense.

I'll take care of her.

-What do you think? -You guys are too much.

-But he's cute. -Yeah.

-I'll give you that. -He's smart.

He's funny. He's very bright.

-Great sense of humor. -Intelligent.

-Okay. -Very bright.

-Good. -Loves children.

Really?

-Loves kids. -Great with them.

-Yeah. -I like that.

-We did well. -I think we did.

Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.

Hey the prodigal son returns.

Jerk one, jerk two.

Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment.

To beauty.

-Beauty. -And the beasts.

So I'm probably just glad I missed everything so far, huh.

Why would you say that, Jake? We were just talking about true love.

And Marisa here, believe it or not, does not believe in soulmates.

She thinks it's bullshit.

-I didn't say that. -Yes, you did.

-No, I didn't. -Yes, you did!

And don't listen to them. They're busting on me...

...'cause I believe in true love.

Well, me too. And I happen to believe in soulmates.

Oh, come on, that is such a crock.

It is 'cause at any given time, any two people can get together.

They just have to know that each other exists.

I mean, life is never ending chaos with people struggling to exist.

-Now that's deep. -Thank you.

-He knows psychology. -I do.

Look let me just put it in simpler terms for you.

Simple being the operative word.

Now take you for example.

-You're a hot piece of ass. -Jeez.

So why aren't you selling underwear in a Victoria's Secret catalog?

Stick with him. There's a point somewhere.

-I hope so. -It's because nobody knows you exist.

But the right pictures in the right people's hands...

...next thing you know you've got 13-year-olds...

...jacking off all over the world. Why?

Because now they know you exist.

You know what, I really apologize.

I thought there was a point there somewhere.

No, I get it. I mean it makes sense.

-It makes sense? Really? -No, it doesn't.

-Okay. -You know what?

Let me ask you a question. Why...

Why does a nice, attractive girl like yourself...

...come to these places to get hit on my the likes of them?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just trying to figure out what men exist.

Well, maybe she just came to find a nice Italian man like Jake here.

-They're not really my friends. -Ouch!

I'm wounded. I am.

-So? -So what?

-What happened? -Let us live through you vicariously.

She was sweet.

Come on, what do you mean, "sweet"? Chocolate's sweet!

This girl could knock the brass off a doorknob with her smile!

Absolutely. What happened?

We had a nice evening together, you know?

We spent some time together,

we talked a little bit, a little small talk.

And then we went home.

Oh, you went home? So what, you nailed her back at her place?

No. Oh, come on. You didn't...

You didn't. You did. You did, you did, you did, didn't you?

No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

I didn't do anything. What do you want me to tell you, man?

We had We had a nice time. She’s a nice girl.

But I'm still in love with Isabella.

Listen. Just please.

Please tell me that you got her phone number,

-so we can smack some sense into you. -Yeah.

-Oh, I'm gonna cry, Pops. -Unbelievable. A man should cry.

-How could you screw that up? -Yes.

You were so stupid!

-Hi, guys. -Hi.

-Hey, how you doing? -So this is it, huh?

This is it. This is it. This is fish heaven.

Anything you desire from the eastern seaboard, we got it here.

Hi. Marisa.

So...you forgot to ask for my number.

So I thought I'd...

Loser!

-Just in case. -Yeah, no, yeah. This is...

This is great. You... That's pretty, pretty handwriting.

Thank you.

Okay.

You know what? Let's just close the deal right here.

I make his hours, so he's available tonight.

He's got tomorrow night off. The whole week off.

You can call me when you want.

No. No. Anyone who doesn’t take your number, it’s out of his hands.

-How’s tomorrow? -No, tomorrow night's...

-...not really good, good for me. -Stay out of this, would you?

Actually next week is better for me.

Next week. Tuesday's looking real good for me.

I was thinking maybe more Monday.

-At around, say, I don't know, 7... -Seven thirty.

-Monday. -Monday.

-Perfect. Okay. -Monday it is.

-Okay. -All right.

I'll see you then.

See you then. Okay. Bye.

-Let me get that door for you. -Thank you.

Thanks for coming in.

-Don't screw this up. -I'm not gonna screw anything up.

You're all thinking with your little men, huh?

This is a big big mistake.

This is an Italian woman and Italian women have brothers.

It's all fun and games until somebody loses a testicle!

That's not funny. Tell you about my cousin, Luigi, eh?

-Yeah cousin Eunuch. -Cousin Eunuch, see?

-He make joke now. -Senza Cazzo we call him.

Get to work. Asshole.

-I want candy. -No candy.

-I want candy. -Yeah and what else?

Isabella! Oh.

Oh, my God this is so weird. What are you doing here?

-What am I doing here? -Yeah.

-Stay away, Jake. I mean it. -What? No. Come on. It's the commons.

I'm just passing through. Hey you and me are soulmates.

-I have kids Jake and lots of 'em. -I love kids.

Plus the big one's probably mine anyway.

Hey. Hey! What? Did you ever have him genetically tested.

Unreal! You know you're unreal.

He was born 12 months after the last time we did it.

So you say. I know. Whatever. Come on. What's it gonna take?

Jake, please. Please let me spare you your dignity.

-But I'm not gonna take no for an answer. -Excuse me, sweetie.

I'm not!

What is wrong with your kids? They don't like you, Jake.

Come on boys. Get in.

I have a date on Monday night.

Good for you.

Wait. Can I get a ride?

-Got a bar? -Morning, John.

-Hey Jake how are you? -All right.

-All right. -All right.

-What's going on? -I need about 50 pounds of haddock.

-Look out! -Twenty pounds of mussels. Nice.

-See him do it? Beautiful. -Nice skates. Yeah.

Think I dated a girl looked like this once.

All right, John. Thanks a lot, man.

-Your receipt. -Have a good one.

Take it easy.

Mi amigo. Hey, hey.

I know what my boy Gianluca tell you but listen.

Women are sacred.

They need to be treated like ladies not passing cargo Vessels.

-I know that, I got a good woman. -A good woman?

A good woman love.

Pure true and breakable like Venetian glass.

Remember. Every daughter has a father.

And most have brothers with sharp knives.

Hey. Somebody's getting some tonight, huh?

Oh, you should take your camera tonight. Do me some pictures.

With nipple.

-Jake look at me. -What?

Promise me you're not gonna screw up this thing up.

-I'm not gonna... -Promise?

I promise! I'm not gonna screw anything up, man.

Do you want it in blood?

All right, so look. Let's go over your plan.

You do have a plan, right?

I'm not gonna lay it out for you. I'll take her to dinner or something.

Come on dinner's obvious. Where?

I don't know. La Trattoria.

What are you retarded? You can't take her to the North End.

-It's too Italian. -That's the point, man, she's Italian.

No no take her to my cousin Ennio.

He'll fix you up nice.

No, you can't take an Italian woman to the North End for the first date.

That's like a priest taking a little boy to an opera it's too obvious. Yeah.

You know what, forget Italian.

You gotta stay away from your ethnic roots.

I'm not taking her for a kielbasa.

You're not a dumb Polack anymore.

-You're Italian now. -And I'm not gonna pretend I'm Italian.

You better pretend and you better pretend good.

Look an Italian can spot an impostor a mile away. If they did...

Could get your nuts chopped off.

Oh, come on. It's the 21st century, all right?

Nobody's gonna get hurt. It's a stereotype.

He's right. The stereotype is bad. Italian men are lovers.

Unless you mess with their women and then...

It's okay to take her to an Italian restaurant...

...just as long as not in the North End, all right?

And you know order for her.

Because the Italian women they love to be taken care of.

You know, Freud says that a woman knows...

...within five minutes of sitting down to dinner,

she's gonna sleep with the guy.

Brings up what do you got in mind for dessert?

Tiramisu?

Well, one dessert two forks.

-Don't screw up. -I'm not gonna screw up.

I'm telling you right now if you screw this one up...

I'm not! I'm not gonna screw it up!

-Hi. -Hey. Wow.

-Should I go change? -No. No, you look fine.

I'm probably the one who should go change.

-It's good to see you. -Yeah. You too.

So it's freezing. Where's your car?

Actually my truck smells like fish, so I just figured that we take the subway.

Subway?

Yeah, it's always so much more convenient not to pay for parking or anything.

So, you know.

-You look really beautiful. -Thank you.

First date.

-I feel like I'm back in high school. -Yeah, me too.

-Why... What's so funny? -Nothing. I'm sorry.

Are you laughing at me?

-You are. -I'm not, I promise.

-I promise. -Yeah?

-Sorry. -Look...

I'm gonna tell you something.

Okay. Tell me.

It's kind of embarrassing a little bit.

Just tell me. I'm sure I've heard it before.

This is nice.

And I don't wanna start anything without being totally honest with you.

I'm involved with another woman.

Yeah, we've been together for 12 years. On and off.

Well, mostly off lately but...

...I just, I thought you should know.

Okay.

Honesty's the best policy, you know.

Yeah, I agree with you.

Wow.

But if you want to tell me anything,

you know, you can... Now's a good time.

I don't have anything like that.

Where are we?

I'm sorry.

-You're upset, huh? -I'm fine.

Surprised maybe.

I just didn't wanna have a nice evening together...

-...and then have it get all awkward. -Well, it's awkward.

-Have you been here before? -No.

Don't worry. I know what you're getting.

Buonasera. Can I start you off with something to drink?

Maybe un bellissimo very nice Barolo or Chianti.

I think we're ready to order.

The lady's gonna have the calamari appetizer...

...and the spinach and mushroom penne pasta.

And can she get that with extra oregano and a side of garlic?

-Garlic? -It's good. It's really good.

As you wish, madam. And for you, sir? I have no idea.

-What's good? -Spaghetti all'amatriciana.

The house favorite.

That sounds perfect.

You know what? I think I'll have that too.

-Really? -Yeah.

And to drink?

House Chianti.

Actually I'm thinking of something in a significantly higher price range.

Maybe one of your Barolos.

Bellissimo.

-Wonderful choice madam. -Thank you.

That was interesting.

I figured you saved enough money not parking.

Is this about my girlfriend?

'Cause she's cool with this. She knows I'm here.

-She knows you're here? -Yeah.

Just let it go. I've almost completely forgotten about her.

You know that psychiatrists say...

...that you can tell within the first five minutes...

...of having dinner with someone whether you're gonna have...

...whether it's gonna work out or not. You can tell.

Do you have a lot of experience with psychiatrists?

No. No! It's just,

I hear about 'em all day long though...

...'cause Steve, he's studying to get his degree.

-Psychology. -Yeah.

He's a college man.

-So what do you do? -I'm a doctor.

-Really? You're shitting me. -No!

-That's so cool. What kind? -A veterinarian.

Okay, so you're not a real doctor.

No, I just mean, you know, you work with animals.

It's not exactly humans, that's all I'm saying.

It's cool. I like it. I get it.

It's just when I think doctor, I think, you know,

heart attack on a plane. "ls there a doctor on board?"

That kind of thing, you know, it's so cool.

So you... And you love animals.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm suspicious of anyone...

...who doesn't love animals.

Or children.

Well, there you go. That's... See that? We got that in common.

Really? You love animals?

Do I love animals? Yeah, of course I work in a fish market.

I love kids, too, I think kids are great. I got three of 'em.

Well, they're not mine technically. They're my girlfriend's.

That's great.

-Here, I'll help you up. -No. You know what? It's all right.

Let's not spend a nice evening together and then have it get all awkward.

-You're not coming up. -No, of course, I know that.

But I had a wonderful time tonight, didn't you?

You told her what?

I knew you were gonna screw it up. I knew it.

I didn't want her to find out I was involved with someone...

...and get all disappointed, you know.

Are you the biggest moron of all time or you just act like this?

The date wasn't going so hot anyway. All right?

She was sending mixed signals.

She was acting all disinterested all evening.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. Mixed signals are clear signals.

And what the hell are you doing telling you have a girlfriend,

which you don't. I mean this chick is the real deal.

I mean she's wicked hot and she's a doctor!

She's not really a doctor.

-She's a veterinarian. -Veterinarians go to medical school.

Yeah. In an animal hospital.

Not a Yeah, hospital hospital. She's not a real doctor.

So you would say I'm not a doctor if I get my PhD in psychology?

Look, they are sort of different. I mean...

You would be dealing with humans. She's dealing with animals.

Ain't a doctor.

Technically, I don't think a psychologist is either.

Technically anyone with a PhD is a doctor.

A doctor of philosophy. A doctor of English literature.

-A doctor of fine arts. -Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

I gotta side with Jake right here.

They're not doctors. Those are bullshit doctors.

They shouldn't even be able to put "Doctor" in their name.

Come on! Chiropractors huh?

Acupuncturists. Podiatrists.

They're not doctors! So...

I save lives by talking people out of...

...by talking people out of throwing themselves...

...in the tracks at North Station...

...or hurling their bodies off an overpass onto the MassPike.

All day long I'm talking to them and I'm not a doctor to you?

No. But you could be.

If you go to medical school and become a psychiatrist.

Psychologists man are just another group trying to cheat the system.

You told him!

I'm sorry.

I'm sure Harvard Medical School has evening classes you could take.

I don't need to be a doctor.

Just figure I'm saving people's lives.

Oh no, no, no, you're saving people's lives.

That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm trained to do.

I save people's lives. I'm a lifesaver.

You're like a comic-book hero.

Can you save me a bite of your sandwich?

Hello, Mrs Cordova.

-Isabella! -Hi, Mrs Cordova.

-Hey. -Go away.

Let's just go get a coffee, please. I just wanna talk.

I know the kids are gone.

I'm not letting you in. Talk. -Really?

You can't still be mad.

All right, five minutes.

Five minutes.

You look really pretty.

Don't you still think about me at all?

Of course. You call me every day.

Well, that's fair enough.

But I mean if I didn't, would you still?

-I'm not gonna answer that. -So you would? You would!

-Jake! Children.

-The eldest one's mine anyway. -You are crazy.

Come back to me.

Okay. Your 10 minutes are up.

You gotta get outta here.

Yeah, I was about to go anyway. I mean...

I mean, you don't have to kick me out or anything.

I was about to leave anyway.

I wasn't gonna have another coffee, you know.

Same time tomorrow?

-Hey, Papa. How are you? -All right.

Is today some kind of holiday I don't know about?

Banker's hours.

Come on, hurry up. Get your ass out here we're busy.

I'm here I'm here. I saw her today.

-Treat your fleas? -Not her. Her.

-Oh. Isabella. -Yeah.

-She made me a cappuccino. -In her house?

All right. That's it. Jake, I've had it with your shit.

Me and Steve we bust our asses around here.

You come and go as you please all hours of the day.

Jake, it's not fair.

I got no other option here. I gotta fire you.

Fire me. You can't fire me.

-Well I think I just did. -I own this place.

Technically yes.

But I promised your parents before they died...

...that I would not let you run this place into the ground.

Our revenue's were up 250 percent last quarter.

Hundred fifty percent last year. I think we're doing okay.

Hey. Stop chasing Isabella.

-Is that what this is about? -Yes!

You know, call Marisa. The one you told you had a girlfriend?

She hates me.

Isabella hates you. Yet she still makes you cappuccino.

Italian women they need to nurture their men.

-Tell her the truth... -No, don't tell her the truth.

Tell her the truth and she will come around.

I can't tell her anything.

-She won't even accept my calls. -Do you blame her?

Hi.

-Who needs this, Eric? -All right, buddy?

Oh, look at the happy couple.

Jakie B what are you doing with that fish?

Kiss your wife.

My fish.

He just... He doesn't quite seem up to it these days.

I was wondering if the veterinarian could come out, take a look at him.

I'm sorry, sir, but we don't take care of fish.

Why? They're animals too.

They're animals but they're aquatic animals.

Marine animal doctors take care of fish.

-That's not our doctor's specialty. -Okay.

How much?

Huh? Twenty?

Okay, you don't like Mr Jackson.

How about Benjamin? Huh? Is the doctor around?

-Are you Michael? -How's that?

This isn't about the fish. Are you and the doctor involved?

Is it that obvious?

Let me see what I can do.

Hey.

I like your dog.

Nice.

All of these are good. Hey, smile.

Mommy, is that man a pedophile?

Hey. Paparazzi.

Are you serious?

-You're not the... -Bring your fish.

-You know, on second thoughts... -Now! I'm busy.

You're wasting my time with your fishy.

What are you too good for a goldfish?

You look like a mobile Chinese restaurant.

You got an anchovy pizza you need some help with?

Hey, real cute.

Put your fish on the examining table.

-You sit. Sit. -Hey, look.

I don't think we have to do this, I mean...

-Really... -Sit!

How long's your fish been acting weird?

I don't know. A couple of days I guess.

Why didn't you bring him in sooner?

'Cause I thought he was gonna pull through.

This is a pet fish, isn't it? He could have died.

Look, I don't want to be rude...

...but do you think maybe I could see the other veterinarian?

I think that might be very helpful.

This is Sammy. He's got respiratory distress.

The owner says he's been lethargic and not acting himself.

Okay, I got it. Thank you.

What are you doing?

Sammy's been acting a little weird.

I think he might have pinkeye or something.

This isn't a pet.

Sammy, close your eyes and don't listen to anything...

-...this evil woman says. -Okay.

I see through this. What do you want?

We had fun the other night. Fine. I had a good time the other night.

All right I get the fact that you want nothing to do with me but...

Well, I really enjoyed your company.

No, no, no, no. No. No.

What? Just because I'm not sexually available, we can't be friends?

-Friends? -Yeah friends.

Like spend time with each other because we like each other's company.

-And just be friends. -Exactly.

-No we can't. -Why not?

Because...

-I'm 33 years old. -No way.

My biological clock is ticking.

I don't have time for friends.

So having friends somehow affects your ability to have children?

-Yes. -How? You gotta explain this to me.

When a man and a woman are friends,

one of them always ends up wanting the other one.

If neither is interested,

then there's no incentive for the friendship in the first place.

What are you doing Friday night?

-None of your business. -So you don't have plans?

-I have plans. -No, you don't.

-You don't. What? -Plans.

Yeah, now that's mature for a 33-year-old.

You'd rather stay home alone than make a friend.

Because you're sexually attracted to me and I'm emotionally unavailable.

-I have a date. -Oh, yeah? Who is he?

-His name's Michael. -There's no Michael.

No really. I'm sort of seeing him now.

Fine. I get the message.

Actually you know what?

-Leave Sammy here. -Yeah?

I'll give him back to you...

-Saturday? -Saturday?

Are you asking me out on a date?

Friends don't date. They hang out.

But you guys are the ones who told me to go out with her in the first place.

Yeah, well, that was before you told me she was 33.

-Don't go. -She's 33.

Imagine your balls in a vice grip.

That's what her ovaries are doing except they're screaming for sperm.

-Your sperm.

It's not even gonna be a date.

It's gonna be like... We're gonna be hanging out.

-Like hanging out in high school? -Yeah. Like hanging out in high school.

Like a guy and a girl hanging out. People do that.

-No, they don't. -Why not?

Because sooner or later one of them's gonna wanna swap some fluids, you know.

Play some tonsil hockey. She's 33! Walk away.

Well, hold on. It's not like he's gonna marry her.

Exactly. I'm not gonna marry the girl.

Just bang her a few times. Then move on.

Lesson numero uno. La salsa Di pomodoro.

No Italian man can resist la salsa Di pomodoro.

Well, I wouldn't say he's a man. He's more of a little boy.

A very good looking little boy.

-But this is friendship. Not love. -Hey.

He and his girlfriend together, what, 12 years?

Not married, they not serious.

He's what you call fair game.

And the quickest way to a man's heart is through the stomach.

-What if I don't wanna get to his... -Oh, wait.

You want love Italian style?

There is no mercy, it is a war.

And the women are the generals.