Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Coming up, the guys push Sal

to the breaking point.

Keep the chair moving the whole time, buddy.

[ Laughing ] I can't do it!

NARRATOR: Q creates a scene at the movies.

- A Diet Coke! - What size?!

[Bleep] Are you gonna work or no?

Oh!

NARRATOR: And Murr wants to know who's his daddy.

- What's your name? - Dan.

- Dad? - Dan.

Dad?

NARRATOR: And tonight's big loser has to deal with one

huge problem.

Say hello to Beulah!

[ Laughter ]

Everybody is afraid of the dentist.

And today, they should be.

That's because we're working as dental assistants

at Paramount Oral Surgery, and we've got to help

the patients out.

Yeah -- helping them by doing and saying what we're told by

the other guys.

And if you refuse, you lose.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ] What are you doing?

I'm looking official so when they walk in, it looks like

I'm doing something.

You're totally messing this whole computer system up.

[ Laughs ]

You just deleted somebody's wisdom tooth file.

[ Laughter ]

[ Knock on door]

Come in!

Just finishing up. One moment.

Please have a seat.

And...send.

Got that e-mail out. Excellent.

[ Laughter ]

Yes.

You taking the stitches out or they gonna dissolve?

Uh, the stitches?

Uh, the doctor will definitely make a determination on that.

I'm here just get you up and started.

So I was at Atlantic City over the weekend.

Oh, yeah?

And everybody's eating steak, and I'm eating crab cakes

in the steakhouse, you know?

Right.

Tell him that's not your worst story about crabs.

Q: Those [bleep] crab cakes.

That's not my worst story involving crabs in Atlantic

City, if you know what I mean.

[ Laughter ]

All right, um, so, Q, take that suction wand

and suck your own face.

OK, so how long ago did you have the procedure?

Thursday, last week.

Oh, OK.

[ Laughter ]

[Air hissing]

I hope I --

[ Laughter continues]

Q, time to get a little more intimate.

"I like wearing the scrubs 'cause it makes me look

like a nurse."

Then I like wearing the scrubs, too, 'cause it...

kind of makes me look like a nurse.

"And everybody wants to bang a nurse."

And everybody wants to bang a nurse.

[ Laughter ]

[Bleep]

"Let me take a look at the stitches real quick."

Let me just take a look at those stitches real quick.

Say nah.”

"I want to kiss you so bad right now."

[ Laughter ]

I just want to go get that doctor...

so bad right now.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, my God. I'm nervous.

You don't know how anything works!

I don't know anything.

You don't know how anything works!

I don't even know what I'm doing!

I don't know what the first thing to do is!

[ Laughter ]

Yes. Come in.

Uh, pull it.

[ Laughter ]

Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable.

So you're here for an extraction consultation?

Recline him back as far as you can go.

Now, you said you got this in October.

Let me ask you this.

MAN: Give or take October.

[ Laughing, coughing] Excuse me.

I don't remember if it was October or not.

Raise it all the way up to the ceiling.

Um...

[ Laughter continues]

The doctor will look at, uh...

The doctor will- - [ Laughs]

How long was it before you saw the doctor?

Keep the chair moving the whole time, buddy.

Don't stop.

MAN: But it was swollen.

[ Speaking indistinctly]

He can't keep it together!

OK.

[ Laughter continues]

We're definitely gonna be able to fix it.

If you want to do- - you want to do it today?

[ Laughs ]

I'm gonna get him right now.

Give me one second.

I'm getting him right now.

[ Laughing]

I can't do it!

I can't do it!

He's gonna fall!

I can't do it! I can't do it!

I can't do it!

I can't do it!

[ Buzzer ]

Joe. How are you? Good.

Go ahead and lean back.

so we're coming in, just checking out that upper apico?

Right.

Joe, I want you to now wheel that tray of utensils over by

you, and please explain to him what each one is in detail.

That's the, uh- - that's a peekaboo.

That's what they call that.

[ Chuckles ]

It's to use to get right in the undercarriage

back up there.

In the industry, we call this the "bilateral

hammer- ray. . . rammer."

[ Laughter ]

And, uh- - because it really- - see how it's sloped up?

You go up, but you flip it over, it's sloped down.

[ Laughter ]

So this one's called the, uh, "arch nemesis barfing," thing.

[ Laughter ]

That's a shoehorn.

I don't know how that got in there.

[ Laughter ]

Somebody must've just left that there.

Uh, this guy is scarier than it looks.

In the industry, we call this, uh...the mother [bleep]

'cause it really- - you get it in there and yank, and you

yank it out.

It hurts like a mother [bleep]

[ Ding]

Hi, Nicole. How are you?

Good. James. So nice to meet you.

Come on in. Have a seat, please.

Murr, spin on the stool as you explain it.

You won't even feel anything.

Hold on one second.

Crash into things, Murr.

OK.

[Metal clinking]

Great.

[ Laughter ]

Keep going!

[ Laughter ]

[Crash]

Um, I need you to hold on to this mirror.

He looks like a mad scientist!

Let me get this right here...[ Clacking]

Oh.

I got to get somebody.

I got to get somebody on that, fast.

Just roll out of the room.

OK.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding]

NARRATOR: Sal and Q really bit it on that one.

Does your tooth still fall out?

No, because after it fell out on camera, I went to a dentist

and had it fixed.

What they always ask you is how your tooth got to that

state to begin with.

Well, what happened is, is I went to Germany, and a German

cop punched me and then knocked my tooth out.

Did you deserve it?

I don't think so.

[ Laughter ]

Germany does.

We're working at the movies behind the concession stand

selling snacks to customers.

And we have to do and say whatever the other guys

tell us to.

Wha- hyah!

[ Laughter ]

Wear a tie like a grown- up.

Can I have my bow tie?

Joe, help these guys out.

How much is it?

- What candy you want? - Small popcorn.

"Do you want, uh, 3d popcorn?"

3d popcorn?

- Sure. - Sure.

Oh!

Joe, give him some 3d popcorn!

What exactly is 3d popcorn?

Looks like he's got something in mind.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's 3d popcorn, right?

[ Laughter ]

$9.25.

[ Laughs ]

And what can I get you?

At the end of every sentence, leave your mouth hanging open.

Medium popcorn and a thing of Sour Patch.

$7.25.

[ Laughter ]

So this is a Visa?

[ Laughter ]

Bigger, bigger, bigger.

Open it wider!

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding]

What size- - small, medium, large?

"Let me guess- - the Tyler Perry movie?"

Ohh.

Ohh!

Let me guess- - the Tyler Perry movie.

Oh!

I cannot believe you said that!

[Speaking Spanish]

Let me get two hot dogs.

Two hot dogs.

Whew!

Hello. Welcome to the theater.

Small popcorn.

Small popcorn. Just one?

Now, Murr, whip your head back real fast and just give them

an evil look and look back.

[ Laughter ]

Do it again!

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter continues]

[ Ding]

Q, you didn't tuck your shirt in.

- No. - Why not?

- Tuck your shirt in! - You know what you look like?

This is not the military.

Q, help these customers, doing your best

Christopher Walken impression.

[As Christopher Walken ] OK, what can I help you with?

We're late for our movie, though.

- Could we have a Diet- - - You're late for your movie?

Yeah.

Please. Medium Diet Coke.

A what?

A Diet Coke!

What size?!

What size?!

Oh [bleep] Are you gonna work or no?

- Stop it. - Whoa!

[Bleep] work.

[ Laughter ]

Ohh!

We want to watch a movie.

All right, all right. Medium Coke.

- Diet Coke! - Medium Diet Coke.

Medium Diet Coke?

Is everything all right over here?

Everything is phenomenal!

You sure?

Yes! What else would you like?

Nachos and cheese, medium popcorn.

That is a lot of saturated fat!

- What else? - Yeah, I know.

Keep it moving now.

[ Laughter ]

Let me see your basketball, kid.

All right, go get it. Leave me alone!

[ Ding]

- Can I help you, miss? - Yeah.

- Twizzlers. - Sure.

"Real quick- - are you interested in independent film?"

Are you interested in independent film?

"Because I've got a new independent film coming out."

'Cause I have a new independent film coming out.

"Yeah, there's a big poster for it right in the back,

if you look behind you."

There's a big poster for it in the back?

Sal, against the wall!

Behind her, behind her! Behind her.

"Sal Sleeps," it's called.

Oh, my God.

That's a picture of me sleeping.

That's gonna go online, on Facebook.

"Everyone, look at my poster for Sal Sleeps!"

Everybody, I have a movie coming out.

It's called "Sal Sleeps."

The poster's over there.

It comes out next week if you want to see it.

Yeah, it's very independent.

I almost didn't even make it myself.

When was that taken?

When we were driving, you fell asleep.

Last week?

Last week, yeah.

We don't need much time.

Well, you [bleep] me down here.

You guys got coupons. I got you.

Be a sassy woman.

[ Laughs ]

[ Sassily ] What's up, scoop neck?

[ Laughter ]

Whew, you wearing the hell out of that shirt, boy!

We just want to get popcorn and nachos.

Almond Joy's got them nuts, y'all!

Sal, keep that sass up.

[ Normal voice] I've had enough sass.

No, there's not enough sass. More sass.

Sal, up the sass 25%.

I've been 10 pounds of sass in a 5- pound sack.

25% more sass.

I need 25% more sass!

Thank you.

[ Sassily ] I bet those glasses

make you see better!

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding]

NARRATOR: The guys snuck out of the movies without a loss.

It's outrageous how expensive movie snacks have become.

My mom trained me since I was little to sneak in sandwiches

and drinks.

I do the side- pocket sandwich.

[ Laughter ]

As I give the guy the ticket, I'm like...

[ Laughter ]

"Nothing to see here."

Oh, my God.

It seems like everybody's got a blog these days.

So today, we're trying to get people to let us take their

pictures for our blog.

But we don't know the name of our own blog until the other

guys tell us.

If you can't convince the person to take

a picture, you lose.

Sal, the guy in the blue t- shirt.

Yes, definitely.

Excuse me.

I have a blog, a daily blog.

It's a popular blog, and you'd be perfect for it.

What's the blog about?

It's called "Virgins for Sure."

It's, uh...you might have heard of it.

It's called "Virgins for Sure."

[ Laughs ]

Would you mind if I took a photo of you for the blog?

Nah, I might pass on that.

- Yeah, you sure? - Yeah.

All right. It's all in good fun.

- Oh! - That man gets laid daily.

[ Buzzer ]

The problem with Murray is that he has to ask permission

to take the picture instead of hiding in the bushes

and snapping away.

Murr, the man in the polo shirt.

Sir. I run a blog here in the city.

Yeah?

And you'd actually be really good to be featured

on the blog.

It's called "Dads I wish I Had."

[Stammering] It's, uh...

it's called "Dads I Wish I Had," uh, dot com.

You look- - you look like you- - you're a good dad.

My dad ran out on my mom...

[ Laughter ]

when l was like 2, but then he came back when l was 8.

Left again, stole all our money.

Just a real dick. You know.

- What's your name? - Dan.

- Dad? - Dan.

Dad?

Do you mind if I snap a photo for it?

Cool.

Smile, Daddy.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you. Thank you, Dad.

[ Ding]

Joe, the guy with the beard.

Oh, hey, man.

I see you're a fellow picture- taker.

I'm taking some pictures for my blog today.

I actually run a blog that you'd be perfect for.

"Fashion of the Christ."

The name of it is, uh, "Fashion of the Christ."

"Fashion of the Christ."

It's gentlemen who resemble Jesus but have fashion sense.

Third day, he moved the rock and he came out and walked

the runway, you know?

That's exactly what's happening.

The logo is, it's him on a crucifix, but he's got

a pashmina on.

If you learned anything from Corinthians 2:16,

it's not to wear brown shoes, black belt.

[ Retches ]

You know, that makes me throw up in my mouth.

So, uh, can I take a picture of you?

[ Laughing] One, two, three.

Oh.

The fashion sense- - it's a miracle.

[ Ding]

Oh, Q, get that guy in all white.

I'm taking pictures for a blog today in the park, and you

would be absolutely perfect.

Have you heard of the blog?

It's called, uh...

"Uptighty- whities."

[ Laughter ]

"Uptighty- whities."

Never heard of "Uptighty- Whities"?

It's about, you know, white guys who dress like

white guys.

Ultra- white guys.

And you are- - look at you.

You define ultra- white right now.

Yes, uptighty- whities.

Do you mind if I just take a quick photo of you?

Thank you. Dude, I'm loving you, bro.

"Uptighty- whities!"

Uptighty- whities.

He's like, [ Deep voice] "Uptighty- whities."

I'm loving you.

[ Ding]

NARRATOR: Sal blew his blog, which gives him two losses.

We're at the park, where we're gonna pull a seat up next to

a stranger and simply ask them, "Penny for your thoughts?"

And after we hear what they have to say, we have to tell

them what we're thinking.

But our thoughts are gonna be given to us by the other guys.

The goal is to say the stupid thing your friends have told

you and continue the conversation.

If you can't complete your thought, you lose.

Hey, Sal. Right there on the left.

Black hair.

It's a hot one today, right?

It's hot today.

This looks like a clear "He's trying to pick her up."

But I like the summer.

Is it that simple to get the girl's phone number?

If you're Sal. You can't do that.

They'd call the police on you.

[ Laughs ]

Penny for your thoughts.

It's better to enjoy this weather because it clears your

mind, you know.

- It makes you feel good. - Yeah.

"You want to know what I'm thinking?"

You know what I'm thinking?

"Fluoride in the water's giving my son bitch tittays."

[ Laughter ]

Oh, Lord.

[ Laughter ]

Fluoride in the water is giving my- -

fluoride in the water is giving- -

[ Laughter ]

There's fluoride in the water, all right?

Not good for anybody, you know?

He can't do it!

The fluoride in the water is giving- - I can't even do it.

The fluoride in the water is giving my son bitch- -

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

The fluoride in the water- - the fluoride in the water is

not good for you.

It's not good.

The fluoride in the water is- - I can't believe I

can't say this.

You have a great day.

Have a great day.

[ Buzzer ]

Girls, straight ahead.

Like, just sit on the bench next to them?

[Sighs]

That's gonna be so weird!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you want to share that orange?

I'll go in for an orange.

Banana too?

Uh, I mean, I'll take whatever.

Whichever one you girls don't want, I'll take.

I can have both of them?

No, I mean, I'm not homeless. I have a job.

[ Laughter ]

Uh, penny for your thoughts, ladies.

What are you two thinking about right now?

- That it's hot? - Yep.

All right. I was earlier thinking it was hot,

but now what I'm thinking...

"Do you notice it when you look at me?"

Uh, do you notice it when you look at me?

[Chuckling]

I mean, clearly, there's something going on here that

you should be noticing.

"Well, can you smell it?"

Oh.

Can you see it or smell it?

"Did you hear it?"

I mean, did you hear it?

[ Laughter ]

So you don't see it, you don't smell it, and you

don't hear it.

"Is there a chance you'll touch it?"

[ Laughter ]

Is there, uh...is there a chance you'll touch it?

OK, we're gonna end!

Well, lovely talking to you girls.

All right.

[ Ding]

NARRATOR: Sal is at a loss for words, and he's also

the big loser.

Oh, boy!

We are at the State Fair Meadowlands for Sal's

punishment, and l have never been more excited in my life.

That's awesome.

Sal, do you remember last season when we made you pick

up dog poop as your punishment?

Oh, I got it.

[ Laughter ]

[Yells]

Yes.

Well, now we've gotten bigger and better!

Say hello to Beulah!

[ Laughter ]

Behind us is a huge pile of elephant poop!

We've hidden something in the poop that's very

personal to you.

When Sal showed up today, we took his car keys.

We decided to hide them in the elephant poop.

No, that's- - no.

[ Laughter ]

I don't want to say anything, but when the elephant crapped

before, I heard a "beep- boop" from your- - from your car.

ALL: Find those keys! Find those keys!

[ Laughs ]

This ain't right, man!

I mean, once I touch it- -

You're in. You can't un- touch it.

[ Groans ]

[Groaning]

It's a little deeper, buddy.

We're gonna be here for a while.

Oh, my God. It's so hard to watch.

ALL: Oh!

[ Laughs ]

His body won't let him do it!

Ooh- - ohh.

ALL: Ohh!

[ Retches ]

[Spits]

- Oh, boy! - Ohh!

Deeper. Both hands, buddy. Both hands.

I know, but then I lose this hand!

[ Laughter ]

ALL: Ohh!

[ Retching ]

You don't know it's not inside, dude.

You're never gonna find them this way.

Oh, my God!

Oh, attaboy, buddy.

Attaboy. Dig deep.

Shut [bleep] up.

Where the [bleep] is it?!

[ Retches ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Breathing heavily]

Warmer, warmer.

No, is the poop- - is it warmer towards the bottom?

[ Coughs ]

[Whimpering]

My God! My God! Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

It's so [bleep] gross!

[ Laughter ]

[Whimpering]

[ Laughter continues]

This is my worst nightmare!

Oh, my God!

Almost to the middle! In the middle!

Oh, I was supposed to put it in there?

[ Retches ]

I was supposed to put the key in there?

You [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

"Beep- boop- boop!"

[Bleep]

So all that was...

ALL: For nothing!

You know what? Guys.

I [bleep] love you guys. I love you, buddy.

I have the keys.

- I love you. - Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh, my God!

You have elephant [bleep] on your face!