Original subtitles

One hour and a half.

Welcome to Sexy Urban Legends, the show dedicated to those smoking stories

everybody's heard. And everyone swears are true. I'm Tony.

And I'm Mick. And you're in for a treat because tonight we're having ourselves a

three -way. That's right. Three Sexy Urban Legends for the price of two. And

they all focus on America's favorite play toy, the video camera.

Consider it an homage to the Handycam.

Our first Sexy Urban Legend is a classic called Home Movies.

It seems Friday night's movie night at Mike's house, and there's nothing he and

his girl Shelly like more than cuddling up next to the boob tube.

You gotta love a girl who appreciates staying in.

Exactly. Mike always swings by the local video store after work to collect a

flick, but the one he picked up was limp, so Shelly suggested they eject the

reject and try making a movie of their own.

So it's a good thing Mike also picked up a blank videotape and some fresh

batteries.

He loads a couple copper tops into the handy cam, and Shelly uses the rest to

power up her vibrator.

One thing about Shelly, she's not shy.

She sprawls out on the kitchen table with the vibrator the size of Texas

between her legs.

seems Shelly is wide open to this whole home video idea.

So Mike leaves Shelly moaning on the table and goes to set up the camera on

tripod. I'm working on a third leg myself right about now.

Dude, I didn't need the visual.

Anyway, Mike aims the camera at the kitchen counter, then invites Shelly

get cooking.

They start kissing, but this chick's oven is already preheated. And I'm

smoking hot.

Mike slides his lips down her body and then helps himself to a hot box lunch.

The camera keeps rolling, recording it all. And let me tell you.

This Shelly has star potential written all over.

Yeah.

Mike's loving her from her head down to her tippy toes.

Then it's back into the breach for another tasty mouthful. Sounds like this

Mike can't get enough of Shelly's home cooking. No doubt. Mike keeps munching

and kissing and licking away.

She bends over the counter and presents him with some hot, tasty buns, just

begging Mike to butter them.

Mike sheds his shorts and steps up to the plate for some serious budding

practice. The first pitch goes high and inside.

the pace in order to give Shelly a taste of things to come.

Then it falls to the wall, sprint to the finish line.

serves up a hot and juicy ball batter basting. That's something you won't see

the Food Channel. No, my friend, but this little performance may find an

audience yes.

No shit.

Oh, yeah. It would be a crime to keep footage that hot locked up in some TV

cabinet. Yeah, but come on. Don't you need a distributor or some rockin'

internet site to ship your homegrown sex stuff?

Amateur porn's yesterday's boner. What people really want is the raw stuff.

Private videos made by private citizens intended to be viewed in the privacy of

their own homes. That's what's hot.

So what, Dom Pervo steals their tape?

No, even better.

Usually Mike returns their video rentals the next morning on his way to work,

but that day he was running late, so Shelly took care of it for him. Only she

had someplace to be, so she just tossed the tape in the bin and folded.

I hate it when they don't rewind.

Can't they read?

This video geek pops in Shelly's return tape only to discover there's been a

slight mistake.

Dude, check this out.

It seems Shelly got confused and grabbed the wrong tape.

Instead of returning the rented show, Shelly brought the original camera

of her and Mike cooking it up nasty in the kitchen.

Are you getting this?

Of course I'm getting all this.

Yeah.

He's getting it.

One thing's for sure.

Video geeks know quality cinema when they see it. And this is definitely

Jack material.

Dude. What?

We could sell this.

No, that would be bad.

You're right.

We could give it away, though.

Well, what do you know?

Seems our video geeks are quite the little entrepreneurs.

They burn hundreds of copies, and pretty soon they've got a line around the

block of people who can't wait to get their hands on Shelly and Mike's fuck

tape. This is sure to be the first in a long series of tapes these boys plan to

release under the title, Girls Gone Wacky.

As for Shelly and Mike, well, they moved away.

Dude, why?

They could have been famous. More like infamous.

Their fan club would be homemade porn connoisseurs. Imagine signing

Excuse me, will you sign my pecker?

Okay, dude, I get the picture.

But if you like that, you're going to love this.

Our next sexy urban legend is a favorite of mine called Slam Dunk.

It's about good old Coach Everhart, the local girls' basketball coach.

His teams have gone winless for decades until finally it's their year.

After a tight season, they pull out a miraculous come -from -behind victory in

the league championship.

I love coming from behind. Don't we all?

Anyway, after enduring so many losing seasons, the team went a little nuts

their victory celebration.

As Coach Everhart congratulates his three -star seniors on their victory,

invite him into the locker room for a private celebration.

Yeah, right. Can you say...

fireable offense.

Hey, these girls love their coach, especially his star player, Jasmine.

They just kicked some major ass, and now it's time to party.

And hey, if they want to include their coach in the action, I say let them.

These girls are pumped up, and they waste no time stripping out of their

uniforms. Coach Eberhard tries to be casual about it.

But then Jasmine grabs the team's video camera and starts filming the flesh

fiesta. This is definitely going to be a party for the record book. But then

Coach Eberhard came prepared.

There's something about champagne that makes these girls' clothes magically

disappear. Yeah, along with their inhibitions.

Coach Eberhard cools his girls down with a champagne bubble bath. But this just

gets them all fired up again.

Jasmine keeps taping away as her teammates dribble bubbly from their

boobies. Brother, you just said a mouthful.

You know it, my friend. And Coach Eberhard just keeps hosing them down.

And once he's got them dripping, he tells his ladies to hit the showers.

After a game like that?

I need a shower right now.

Now, Coach Everhart probably should have bailed. But hey, these girls are

graduating. So he decides to keep the camera rolling to capture their final

moments on tape.

And there are some great moments going on in this wet and wild funhouse.

Coach Everhart always said, what happens in the locker room stays in the locker

room.

Jasmine considers sitting this one out while she watches her two teammates play

a little woman -on -woman center court.

But she's got a hot hand tonight and makes her move for the hoop only to get

hung up on the rim, circling it over and over before it drops in.

Meanwhile, Coach Eberhard captures it all from courtside.

He taped every game this season, and that sort of preparation is what got

to the championship.

That, and chemistry.

His girls have great chemistry.

Yeah, on the court and off.

No doubt.

And if there's one thing Coach Eberhard emphasized this season, it's form.

And right now, these girls are forming a daisy chain.

All aboard!

The Oral Sex Express.

This is turning into a clutch situation, and Jasmine knows when you're driving

deep into your opponent's key and you're looking to score, turn to your coach

for the next move.

And Coach Eberhard is right on top of it. He signaled the girls to switch to a

zone offense.

We talking erogenous zone?

You know it.

Nothing offensive about that, dude.

Coach is hanging right in there with his girls, but he's tired of warming the

bench and wants to start warming his wood instead.

Good thing Jasmine brings him in to get his game on. She knows there's no I in

team. Yeah, but team backwards spells meet.

That's a stretch, dude. But you got the right idea.

Coach Everhart is packing.

capture their slick moves on tape.

Coach Everhart gave his all for the team, but it looks like he's still got a

moves to show his girls.

She's also one to drill the basics over and over again.

A good player needs balance, ball control, and a sure hand to make it to

leagues. And these girls are definitely on their way.

out winning that brings out the best in people.

Finally, Coach Eberhard shoots and scores a buzzer shot from the outside

just tickles a rim.

Well played.

A couple of weeks later, Jasmine's parents receive a package.

They couldn't make it to the big game, and they ask Coach Eberhard to send them

a video of Jasmine's winning performance.

Dad popped tape in the machine, and they sit back to watch their baby girl in

action.

And sure enough, there she is, driving the ball for a slam dunk.

Mom and Dad are stunned.

Seems the Oral Sex Express is riding again, with Jasmine as the caboose.

Looks like their baby girl has a really good shot of being named this season's

MVP, Most Visible Pussy.

Nice.

She's got my vote.

Yeah, but can you say, busted?

You think Coach Eberhard sent that tape on purpose?

Oh, yeah. I'm sure he was looking forward to his new coaching position in

men's penal system.

Don't you mean penile?

Either way, dude, he's fucked.

Well, speaking of trouble, our final sexy urban legend is called Stormy

and it's about this hot new weather girl who's been stirring up quite a tempest

at the local TV station.

Temperatures aren't the only thing on the rise when Victoria's on the air,

especially when she signs off her weather report with the same suggestive

phrase.

Looks like this front is going to be with us for a while, folks.

But remember, if the weather outside is frightful, the weather inside can be

delightful.

Fred?

After the broadcast, Victoria always flirts with Fred the anchorman. They

to have a better light on you than they do on me.

It's like...

Her comments don't go unnoticed by Monica, the station's sexy intern.

Victoria sure seems to know a lot about cameras and lighting, and it's really no

surprise. She's always felt she was special and has dreamed of being on TV

she was a little girl.

Well, Victoria decided to make it a reality and invested quite a bit of cash

converting her home into a mini studio.

She's got lights.

Cameras and recording decks scattered throughout the place. So what does she

it for? Practicing her weather reports?

Not quite.

She puts on some music, powers up the monitors, and gets ready for showtime.

She starts off slow.

peeling away her clothes and playing right to the camera. I'm liking this

Yeah, but this chick's attention is only focused on one thing.

Herself. If you cracked open the dictionary and looked up narcissist,

Victoria's picture.

Fuck the book. I'd rather look up Victoria's crack.

Well, Victoria may be happy to oblige.

Aren't you sad?

This Victoria's got more than one secret hidden beneath her skirt. You ain't

kidding, my friend.

After a few warm -ups, Victoria decides to rehearse her trademark phrase.

Only this time, it takes on a brand new meaning.

And just remember, if the weather outside is frightful,

the weather inside can be delightful.

Seems like the barometer's going up and things are getting awfully moist.

And Victoria is ready to bring this report to a rapid close.

Just remember.

The weather outside is frightful.

Ooh. Weather. Inside.

Delightful.

Delightful. And that's the weather. The only weather I'm wondering about is

whether I can get a copy of this tape.

In due time, my friend.

The next day, Victoria continues chatting up Fred the Anchorman.

She had so much fun at last night's taping, she's wondering how she

can outdo herself.

Once again, Monica, the sexy intern, soaks it all in.

Sure enough, the weather girl is really blowing hard today on her co -star Fred

the Anchorman.

And just as she guessed, Fred feels right at home under the hot lights.

Victoria loves performing with another professional, and they shift positions

get the best camera angle for both of them.

Apparently,

Victoria also has aspirations to direct.

And right now, she directs Fred straight to her throbbing clit. And Anchorman

Fred has no problem using his tongue to brush up on current events.

Victoria

gets

distracted by her own bad self.

and has to sneak a peek at the monitors.

But Anchorman Fred gets her attention back when he drops anchor and starts

rocking Victoria's boat.

Oh!

as Newsboy drives into Victoria from behind.

Oh!

Look at there.

Can you see?

Come down.

Come down. You can see.

Oh, that's it.

That's it. Right there.

Right there. And as Victoria gets close, she lets fly with her trademark line.

And the weather outside is frightful, but the weather inside...

It can be delightful.

Back

to

you, Fred.

That's a wrap.

Dude, that's it.

That ending is totally weak.

Patience, my friend. There's always a calm before the storm.

What are you saying?

Remember Monica, the sexy intern?

Yeah, like there's any other kind.

Well, even though she's been flying under everybody's radar, there's quite a

tempest brewing in this girl.

You see, Victoria gave Fred a copy of their tape, and he accidentally leaves

unattended in his dressing room, where anyone can find it. No, don't tell me.

Hey, everyone's got a soft spot for a hot sex scandal.

What's Mother Nature got in store for us tomorrow?

More of the same, Fred.

This big, bad storm just isn't giving up. This coastal front is going to be

us for quite some time.

But remember, if the weather outside is frightful, the weather inside can be

delightful. Seems like the station's having technical difficulty and someone

loaded up the wrong tape.

Victoria's sex tape is being broadcast to the entire town.

I wonder who's behind that.

Thanks, Tech. We're going to have nothing but sunshine, sunshine, sunshine

the next week. While Victoria was sleeping her way to the bottom, our sexy

intern Monica was clawing her way to the top, knocking both Fred and Victoria

right out of her way.

Nice backstabbing. You know what they say on the evening news, if it bleeds,

leads. True, but you need skin to win in the ratings game. I'll drink to that.

Well, that's all the time we have for this episode of Sexy Urban Legends.

I'm Tony.

And I'm Mick.

Later.

Thank you.