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1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:02,370
* Men.
2
00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:06,074
Mmm, oh, and here's
another money saver:
3
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,809
If you buy a big bag
of irregular socks,
4
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,144
you can pair up the good ones
5
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,580
and use the cash you save
for underwear.
6
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,616
Good to know.
7
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,319
And you can use the leftover
misfit socks
8
00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:21,755
for dusting gloves, golf club
cozies, even a hand puppet.
9
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:23,557
A hand puppet?
10
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:27,328
Oh, sure, couple of buttons for
eyes, and you're ready to go.
11
00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:28,596
Hello, pretty lady.
12
00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,798
That's funny.
13
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,074
So, you done the Internet dating
thing before?
14
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:42,710
All the time.
Oh, and if you're interested,
15
00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:45,346
I know a couple of tricks
to weed out the losers.
16
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,781
I'm very interested.
17
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,352
Hey, how are ya?
18
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,321
Hi.
19
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,422
Oh, you know him?
20
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,556
No.
21
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:58,526
Oh, talking to
strange women.
22
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,361
Must be drunk.
23
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:02,430
Anyway, my profile says
that I am a chiropractor,
24
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,598
but I also do a lot of
holistic work, you know
25
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,668
acupressure, deep
tissue massage,
26
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,538
both of which promote a
general sense of well being
27
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:14,708
and also a heightened
sexual sensitivity.
28
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:15,309
(chuckles)
29
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:16,744
Assuming, of course,
30
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:21,682
your sexual sensitivity
requires heightening.
31
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:26,154
I have absolutely no intention
of sleeping with you, Alan.
32
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:28,489
Whoa, whoa, where'd that
come from? (chuckles)
33
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,458
I'm just talking about my job.
34
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:31,925
Making conversation.
35
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,961
And when you say
"absolutely no intention,"
36
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,496
you just mean tonight, right?
37
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:39,933
Um, you look like you could use
another one of these.
38
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,635
You're a mind reader.
39
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,070
Uh, excuse me,
40
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:46,006
but, uh, I'm
with this lady,
41
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,741
and if she would like
another drink,
42
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,910
I am more than capable
of providing one.
43
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:52,913
But the dinner's still dutch.
44
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,349
What's your name?
45
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:56,417
Uh, Louanne.
46
00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:57,751
Hi, Louanne, I'm Marcus.
47
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,487
All right, all right,
48
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:00,621
fun time's over.
49
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:02,456
Look, Marcus,
the lady is on
50
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,359
a date with me, and
you are intruding.
51
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,261
Why don't we ask the lady
what she wants?
52
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:10,331
Not necessary. I can tell you
what she wants and it's not me.
53
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:13,467
But there is a
principle involved
54
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:14,702
and that is one
55
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:15,669
of poaching
another man's gal.
56
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:16,737
Is that so?
57
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:18,272
Yes, that's so. Now take a hike.
58
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,007
Why don't you just sit down
and finish your peanuts?
59
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,041
Don't you touch me!
60
00:02:21,108 --> 00:02:23,177
Hey, hey, calm down.
61
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,078
You're right, you're right.
62
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,914
We should just, uh,
take a deep breath
63
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:27,848
and calm down.
64
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,350
That's a good idea.
65
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:33,454
So, what are you doing after
Potsie here drops you off?
66
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,388
Hey, Marcus?
67
00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,994
How's that, bitch?!
68
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,199
* Men.
69
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,402
What are you doing in there?
70
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,371
Be patient.
71
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,539
I got you a surprise.
72
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:52,873
You hear that?
73
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:55,443
She got us a surprise.
74
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,278
(phone rings)
75
00:02:57,345 --> 00:03:00,214
You gonna grab that?
76
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,584
You'll have to be more specific.
77
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:04,818
Answer the phone,
Charlie.
78
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,521
Right, right.
79
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:08,956
Hello?
80
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,359
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down, slow down.
81
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,494
Who is this?
82
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:14,595
Oh, hi, Alan.
83
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,464
Not a good time right now.
84
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,799
Really?
85
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,435
What the hell
are you doing in jail?
86
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:24,037
You're kidding me.
87
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,806
That's hilarious!
88
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,308
(laughs)
89
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:30,578
All right, all right,
I'm on my way.
90
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,446
What do you think?
91
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:37,318
Doing-oing-oing-oing!
92
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:40,053
I was gonna save it
for our wedding night,
93
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,289
but I couldn't wait.
94
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,957
Oh, baby, by the time
we get married,
95
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,893
that thing's gonna be
half-eaten.
96
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,931
Who was on the phone?
97
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:51,765
Alan.
98
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,467
Everything all right?
99
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:57,104
Yeah, he was just callin' to say
he wouldn't be home tonight.
100
00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,472
Oh, did he get lucky?
101
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:02,943
Not yet, but the night
is still young.
102
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:05,579
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
103
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:09,317
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
104
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:12,252
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
105
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,288
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
106
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,590
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
107
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,827
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
108
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:25,566
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
109
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,373
* Men.
110
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,641
Ten hours!
111
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:37,478
Ten hours I sat in that
urine-soaked jail cell!
112
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:40,681
You shouldn't have
peed yourself.
113
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,216
You said you'd be right there!
114
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,386
Look, look,
I understand your anger,
115
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,488
but you gotta see it
from my side.
116
00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:48,322
What's your side?
117
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,392
I get really sleepy after sex!
118
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:52,893
What's going on?
119
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,462
Oh, your gallant fiancé
120
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,297
let his baby brother rot
in a prison cell all night.
121
00:04:57,365 --> 00:05:00,801
What?
122
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,070
I've been there
plenty of times.
123
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,005
You slip
the booking officer a $20,
124
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,440
he'll send out for Starbucks.
125
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:09,377
You know I don't carry
that kind of cash.
126
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:11,545
Regardless, it was
just one night.
127
00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:14,214
Nobody took your man cherry,
did they?
128
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:17,951
Was that why
Alan called last night?
129
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,421
Uh... I assume so.
130
00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,555
Oh, Charlie.
131
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:24,024
Hey, hey, you had that sexy
lingerie on
132
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,559
and you were so beautiful,
133
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:26,794
plus you know how
134
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,496
I hate to waste an erection.
135
00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:31,098
I can't believe you abandoned
your brother when he needed you.
136
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,433
It's horrible.
137
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,768
How did I become the bad guy
in all this?
138
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,803
He's the felon!
139
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:37,538
Why were you in jail, Alan?
140
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:40,441
I was forced to use my hands
to defend a lady's honor.
141
00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:42,476
Ask him what happened
to the lady.
142
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:45,646
She drove the guy I punched
143
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,748
to the emergency room.
144
00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,683
I don't understand.
Why would she go with him
145
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:50,951
if you were defending her honor?
146
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,420
Who knows?
I would've asked her,
147
00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:55,389
but I was busy being handcuffed
and dragged off to jail!
148
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:58,526
Where I spent the night covering
my behind with a food tray.
149
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:03,664
Shame on you,
Charlie Harper.
150
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:06,567
Now she's mad at me.
151
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:07,300
Happy?
152
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,669
Oh, yeah, I'm thrilled!
153
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:11,772
If my transsexual biker
cell mate had only been
154
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:17,411
a little more affectionate,
my life would now be perfect!
155
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,380
* Men.
156
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,450
I don't know.
I just snapped and hit him.
157
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,452
It's the first time in my life
that's ever happened.
158
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:27,354
You mean it's the first time
you've ever won.
159
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,958
The important thing now
is for you to know
160
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,093
that your family is a hundred
percent behind you.
161
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,628
Thanks, Mom.
162
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:37,565
Now, before we waste money
on some expensive lawyer,
163
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:40,768
how much jail time
are we talking about
164
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,836
if you just roll over?
165
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,638
I don't want to go to jail!
166
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:47,140
And if he does, he certainly
doesn't want to roll over.
167
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:49,977
Charles, that is crude
and uncalled for.
168
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:50,778
Thank you.
169
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:51,845
You're welcome.
170
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,914
Nobody wants to go to jail,
171
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:55,516
sweetie, but let's face it,
172
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,418
if all we're talking about
is 60 days alone in a room
173
00:06:58,486 --> 00:07:01,221
with no friends, how is that
different from two months
174
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,790
squatting in
your brother's house?
175
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,025
You're kidding, right?
176
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,394
I guess.
177
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,096
You know what?
Don't worry yourself.
178
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:11,932
I'll just get a public defender
and take care of this myself.
179
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,567
There you go, problem solved.
180
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:14,568
Charlie?
181
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,504
What? Some kid out
of law school
182
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,572
hungry to make his bones.
What's wrong with that?
183
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:21,775
He gets his hair cut by trainees
at the barber college.
184
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,579
Alan, I'd be happy
to help you hire a lawyer.
185
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,548
Oh, no, Chelsea,
I couldn't take money from you.
186
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,382
That's an honor
he reserves for family.
187
00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:32,385
So, what, you guys really aren't
gonna help him?
188
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,854
Well, of course we are.
189
00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:35,789
But if we didn't torture him
a little bit,
190
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,825
he wouldn't feel comfortable
accepting our help.
191
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,259
You don't know that. Try me!
192
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:41,962
I'll tell you what.
I'll find the lawyer,
193
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,531
and we'll split the fee.
194
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:46,967
Not fifty-fifty, 'cause I'm out
six years of room,
195
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,536
board and incidentals.
196
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:52,472
And by incidentals, I mean
mostly Kleenex and hand lotion.
197
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,908
Oh, please, I paid
198
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,778
for four years of college
and chiropractor school,
199
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:01,281
and he still gives me handmade
tchotchkes for Christmas.
200
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,751
You said you loved
the pot holders I made you.
201
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,786
I said they made me cry.
202
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,322
Okay, okay, okay, fifty-fifty.
203
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:12,459
But we'll put it on my card
so I get the miles.
204
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,562
I can't believe you two.
205
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,865
That's okay, Chelsea, I'm used
to being treated this way.
206
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:21,401
The mocking, the insults,
the humiliation.
207
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:25,939
It's all part of the festering
ugliness of this family.
208
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:32,713
See? He's fine with this.
209
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:37,951
* Men.
210
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,386
Thanks for coming, you guys.
211
00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:40,754
Your support
means a lot.
212
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:41,755
Thank her.
213
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,456
If it was up to me,
214
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,594
you'd be in San Quentin wearing
lipstick and a mop wig.
215
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,095
Okay, Mom,
I gotta go.
216
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,630
No, I love you.
217
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:50,564
Okay. What?
218
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,232
No, you're not bothering me.
219
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,401
I'm happy
to take care of it. Okay.
220
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:55,736
Okay, bye-bye.
221
00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:57,771
Sorry. I just bought my mom
a new computer,
222
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,673
and it's opened up
quite a can of worms.
223
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:03,143
Ironic. I just bought my mom
a can of worms.
224
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:05,145
Brad Harlow.
225
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,413
Are you Alan?
226
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:08,148
No, no, no,
I'm his brother Charlie.
227
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,583
This is my fiancée Chelsea.
228
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:13,887
And this pasty-faced jughead
is the family Rottweiler.
229
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,522
I just want it
on record
230
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:18,358
that I am not by nature
a violent man.
231
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:19,459
My fuse is long,
232
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:23,130
but it is attached
to dynamite.
233
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,898
Shut up.
234
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,566
I'm payin' by the hour.
235
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,035
Would you two
just stop it.
236
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:29,436
I'm sorry.
237
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:31,238
That's all right.
I have siblings, too.
238
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,741
We tease each other constantly.
You know, sometimes I think
239
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:36,309
it's just easier
than saying "I love you."
240
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,382
Okay, well, I got some good news
for you, Alan.
241
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:45,152
Hey, when's the last time
you heard that?
242
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,687
I made some calls,
243
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,521
and the fella you punched has
244
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,990
quite a few
alcohol-related priors,
245
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,892
and is definitely not looking
to press charges.
246
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,593
So I don't have
to go back to jail?
247
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,128
You won't even see the inside
of a courtroom.
248
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,363
Oh, thank God!
249
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,733
I can't go back to
the joint again.
250
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,235
All right, great,
we're off the clock.
251
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:03,637
What do I owe you?
252
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,673
Eh, relax,
you don't owe me anything.
253
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,741
Even better.
Thank you.
254
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:10,978
Charlie. We... we have
to pay you for your time.
255
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,280
Oh, you hippie.
256
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,115
Well, uh,
257
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:17,550
well, you can always make
a donation to my charity.
258
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,220
What's that, Lawyers
Without Yachts?
259
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,722
(laughs)
260
00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:23,223
No...
261
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,758
no, it's for inner city kids.
262
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,526
They come out to my ranch
once a month,
263
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:29,262
you know, learn to ride horses,
get out in the fresh air.
264
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:30,764
Oh, that's wonderful.
265
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:31,564
I love horses.
266
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:32,565
I used to ride
all the time.
267
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,267
Shall I write you a check?
268
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,069
No, no, no, no, I got it.
269
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,838
Who do I make it out to?
270
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,072
Danielle's Darlings.
271
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,140
Who's Danielle?
272
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:41,041
My late wife.
273
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,042
Oh, I'm so sorry.
274
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,410
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
275
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,879
I started the charity
to keep her memory alive.
276
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,614
She loved horses.
277
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:52,753
Crap. That's another zero.
278
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,656
There you go.
279
00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:59,026
Wow.
This is incredibly generous.
280
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,193
Thank you.
281
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,062
You're very welcome.
282
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,234
You know, we're having
a nature ride and barbecue
283
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,869
for the kids this Saturday.
284
00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:09,737
You should come.
285
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,571
Really? That sounds wonderful.
286
00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,106
Doesn't it, Charlie?
287
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,776
Do the kids race
the horses?
288
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:16,944
What?
289
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:17,978
No.
290
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,079
There's no action?
291
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:20,680
No action.
292
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,515
I don't see the point.
293
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,218
He's just joking.
294
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,453
No, I'm not.
295
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,021
I really don't
see the point.
296
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,623
Well, if you change your mind,
here's the info.
297
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,359
We'd love
to see you.
298
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,861
Thank you. Maybe we will.
299
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:35,796
Great.
Yeah, maybe.
300
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,869
Thanks very much, Brad.
301
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,070
Always nice to bring
good news to a client.
302
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:44,404
And the best news is,
303
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,339
I think having a criminal record
is really spice up
304
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,175
my online dating profile.
305
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,709
I might even post
the mug shot.
306
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,313
* Men.
307
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,784
* Men.
308
00:11:58,485 --> 00:11:59,987
Wasn't Brad terrific?
309
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,756
Who's Brad?
310
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,859
Alan's lawyer.
311
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,328
Uh, he's okay, I guess.
312
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,662
You guess?
313
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,365
Not only does he have
a successful law practice,
314
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:16,770
he's doing so much
to help poor kids.
315
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:19,439
What, by sticking
them on horses?
316
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:20,974
How's that
going to help?
317
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,210
Get them a high paying job
with the pony express?
318
00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,045
It's not about jobs.
319
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:26,914
It's about getting
them out of the city
320
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,281
and into the fresh air.
321
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:30,017
Fresh air?
322
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,852
Have you ever
smelled a horse?
323
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,753
You know what I mean.
324
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:36,256
And did you hear the way
he talked about family?
325
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:37,624
They obviously mean
a lot to him.
326
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,593
Family also meant a
lot to Charles Manson.
327
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:43,730
That's a terrible
thing to say.
328
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,966
Sorry.
329
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,502
Hey, speaking of
horseback riding--
330
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:52,172
why don't you hop on
and I'll race you
to the finish.
331
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,574
You know what, I'm not
really in the mood.
332
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:57,210
That's okay. I've got enough
mood for both of us.
333
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,279
Good night, Charlie.
334
00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:03,750
But Charlie's a
frustrated pony.
335
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,652
Go to sleep.
336
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,995
I was pretty
charitable today.
337
00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,429
Mm-hmm.
338
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,698
I guess the spirit of giving
339
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,368
doesn't extend
to the bedroom, huh?
340
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,503
Good night, Charlie.
341
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,238
(nickering)
342
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:29,142
* Men.
343
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:33,113
Hey.
Hey.
344
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,482
Can't sleep?
345
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:37,417
Nope.
346
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,952
Me neither.
347
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,854
Even though I dodged
the legal bullet,
348
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:43,924
I've got all this stuff
building up inside me.
349
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:46,426
I'm afraid I'm going to explode.
350
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:49,696
I'm afraid I won't.
351
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:54,201
The other night in that bar,
I just snapped.
352
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,703
It was like I became
a different person.
353
00:13:56,769 --> 00:14:00,307
Well, that had to be
a nice break for you.
354
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,410
I'm scared, Charlie.
355
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,413
I mean, there was a part
of me that really enjoyed
356
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:09,382
driving my fist into
that jerk's stupid face
357
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:12,352
and watching him crumble
to the floor in agony.
358
00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:13,553
So what are you scared of?
359
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:16,723
What if this is
just the beginning?
360
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:20,127
What if I've awakened
some long-dormant monster
361
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:24,097
inside of me
who revels in violence?
362
00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:28,068
What if I can't
control the monster?
363
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,506
What if the monster
takes over?
364
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,044
Ouchy!
365
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:42,215
You're fine. Go
to bed, monster.
366
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,617
Okay, good night.
367
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,089
* Men.
368
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,425
What happened
to your hand?
369
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:55,095
Oh, well...
370
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,097
I won't lie to you.
371
00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,066
I got into a bar fight
372
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,900
and punched a guy
in the face.
373
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:04,071
Yeah, right.
374
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:06,606
No, I'm serious.
I spent the night in jail.
375
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,308
Fine, don't tell me.
376
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,610
I was just trying
to make conversation.
377
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,079
Hey, I am warning you.
378
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,913
There is a monster
inside of me
379
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:15,748
and you don't want
to wake him up.
380
00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:18,185
Oh! Oh! Hot, hot.
381
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,690
Did the monster burn
his mouth with his
chamomile tea?
382
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,994
It's oolong.
383
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,428
Where's Chelsea?
384
00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:30,397
She went to that
charity thing
385
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,799
for inner city horses.
386
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,106
You let her go
without you?
387
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:41,308
Why the hell would I want to go?
388
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,443
I hate kids
and I'm scared of horses.
389
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,278
Maybe you didn't notice
the way my lawyer
390
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,780
was looking at your fiancée.
391
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:48,848
What are you
talking about?
392
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:51,218
Or the way she was
looking back at him.
393
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,086
That's ridiculous.
394
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,721
I'm telling you, there
were definitely sparks
395
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,889
between the two of them.
396
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,391
You think?
397
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,394
Charlie, that guy
is everything you're not.
398
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,296
Well, what's that mean?
399
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:08,035
He likes people,
he loves his mother,
400
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,003
he works with children
401
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,304
and he doesn't stumble
through life
402
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,206
stinking of whiskey
and KY Jelly.
403
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:16,909
Hey, hey, hey,
KY Jelly is odorless.
404
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,411
Not where you put it.
405
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:25,285
I'm just saying that
if Chelsea were my fiancée,
406
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,154
I wouldn't leave her
alone with this guy.
407
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,355
If Chelsea were
your fiancée,
408
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,989
you'd have bigger problems.
409
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:30,990
Like what?
410
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:34,394
Like being the
last man on Earth.
411
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,863
* Men.
412
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:40,533
I don't understand why
I have to go to this thing.
413
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,569
Because your uncle
wants to use you
414
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,104
to camouflage
his growing fear
415
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,106
that his girlfriend might
be interested in another guy.
416
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,175
Hey, hey, hey.
I have no fear.
417
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:49,476
Of course not.
418
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:50,810
You just got
a sudden craving
419
00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:52,212
for barbecue
and horses.
420
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:55,148
Whoa, there's gonna be
barbecued horses?
421
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,151
Cool.
422
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:01,221
Where the hell is this
lawyer's stupid ranch?
423
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:02,855
You must have passed
the turnoff.
424
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:04,424
Maybe we should put
the GPS back on.
425
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:05,958
I don't need
the GPS.
426
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,895
GPS:
Take the next
legal U-turn.
427
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:13,433
Then proceed 22 miles
to main road.
428
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:14,801
Okay, turn around.
429
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:15,802
There's no room.
430
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:16,803
Well, then back up.
431
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,004
22 miles?
432
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:19,706
Just till you find
a place to turn.
433
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,708
I'm hungry.
434
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,176
We're almost there.
435
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,678
I don't think so.
I'd smell the barbecue.
436
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:27,847
Jake, would you pipe down
437
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,749
so I can concen...?
438
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:32,219
Oh, damn.
439
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,754
You have reached
your destination.
440
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,256
(sniffs)
441
00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:38,825
I don't think so.
442
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,194
* Men.
443
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,697
Un-freakin'-believable.
444
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:45,998
Still no signal.
445
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,267
Well, of course,
there's no signal.
446
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,935
We're in the middle
of nowhere.
447
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:50,370
I'm starving.
448
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:53,005
What do you want from me?
Go catch a squirrel.
449
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,707
This is why
I always tell you
450
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,376
to keep an emergency kit
in your car.
451
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:57,644
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
452
00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,113
No matter what happens,
I know that in my trunk
453
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,949
is a thermal blanket,
flashlight, batteries,
454
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,518
bottled water and
assorted protein bars.
455
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,719
You hear that, Jake?
456
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:09,722
You have an inheritance.
457
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:13,993
I already ate
the protein bars.
458
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,030
You were right, Alan.
459
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,200
The more time Chelsea
spends with this Brad guy,
460
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:21,634
the more time she's going to
have to contrast and compare.
461
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,504
And I'm not going to come
out of that looking so good.
462
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,373
If you're really worried
about her being attracted
463
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,074
to a better man than you,
464
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,876
why don't you become
a better man?
465
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,812
(mocking tone):
Why don't you become
a better man?
466
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,315
Yeah, like that.
467
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,486
* Men.
468
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,728
You guys think there are
mountain lions up here?
469
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,664
Hadn't given it
much thought.
470
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,733
Till just now.
471
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,504
Relax. There's no
mountain lions here.
472
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:02,309
You know, this is where
it normally goes bad
473
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:04,043
in slasher movies.
474
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:07,214
One guy falls back a little bit,
475
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,616
usually to smoke pot
or have sex,
476
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,351
and he gets his head
hacked off.
477
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:14,854
Let that be a lesson to you
about drugs and premarital sex.
478
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:17,824
Good parenting, Alan.
Thank you.
479
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,594
(growling)
480
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:24,297
ALAN:
Mountain lion!
Mountain lion! Run! Run!
481
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:30,136
Oh, crap! Hey, guys wait up!
482
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,372
(screaming)
483
00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,980
Psych.
484
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,950
* Men.
485
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,754
* Men.
486
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:57,364
I can't believe you really
thought I was a mountain lion.
487
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,831
Go to your room.
488
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:02,068
You're punishing me just because
you're gullible?
489
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,870
Yeah, pretty much.
490
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:08,741
(Jake growling)
491
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,810
Still not funny!
492
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,449
Chelsea's not home.
493
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,451
How could she not
be home yet?
494
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,086
That thing was
over hours ago.
495
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,221
Are you worried she might be
cheating on you with Brad?
496
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:25,592
No, I was thinking car trouble,
but thanks for that.
497
00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,695
Sorry.
498
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:31,564
Look, Chelsea and I have been
together for over a year now.
499
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,300
We're engaged to be married.
500
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:36,035
What are the odds she's going
to leave me for some lawyer
501
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,405
just because he's kind,
rich, handsome, generous,
502
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:41,140
loves his family and named
a charity after his dead wife?
503
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,175
I don't know, even money?
504
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,545
At least.
505
00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:49,649
So ten bucks just
to make it interesting?
506
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:53,019
(slap)
ALAN: Ouchy!
35225
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