All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S07E13 - Yay, No Polyps! (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

* Men. *

Hey, you got anything special
going on next week?

Well, let's see...
next week.

I like to keep Mondays
free for hangovers.

Tuesday, I was planning
on getting a haircut,

mani/pedi and a facial.

You know, guy stuff.

Wednesday, I have a meeting
with my business manager

to discuss my
retirement plan.

And, as you know,
Thursday and Friday

are kind of my "me" days.

Why do you ask?

I was thinking,
since I have a couple days off,

we could fly to Illinois
and visit my parents.

Oh.

I mean, you've only met
my mother once,

and you've never
met my dad.

That's true.

And I'd really
like him

to get to know you
before the wedding.

Of course.

Although, sometimes
with parents,

I'm better served
up as a surprise.

Don't be silly--
he'll love you.

And I'm sure
I'll love him.

So, good,
we'll fly out.

Illinois, here we come.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, darn it.
What?

I just remembered I have
an appointment next week.

Doctor's appointment?

Yes.

Yes, a doctor's appointment.

Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, just a routine procedure
I've been putting off.

What do you mean,
like a colonoscopy?

Yes, exactly.

A colonoscopy.

Oh, Charlie,
you can't put that off.

No, no. No.

I want to meet your dad.

I've been putting off getting
a colonoscopy for years.

Forget it, mister.

You're keeping
that appointment.

But what about
meeting your dad?

We'll do it another time.

Are you sure?

Your health
is the most important thing.

I know how you
procrastinate.

I do, don't I?

Boy, what would you do
without me to take care of you?

Well, I'm pretty sure

I wouldn't be getting
a colonoscopy next week.

* Men. *

(music playing on TV)

Hey.

Hey.

You're not going to believe
what I just did.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

* Men. *

All right, let me see if
I've got this straight.

In order to not spend time
with your fiancée's parents,

you're willing
to let a doctor

snake a camera
up your keister.

I'd be willing to let them
shoot an IMAX feature.

But, fortunately,
it won't be necessary.

Oh, how do you figure?
I have a plan.

Oh, a plan.

The day of the "procedure,"

you're going to pretend
to drive me to the "hospital."

But we're not going
to the hospital.

Precisely.

What we'll actually do
is go to the movies.

Then, afterwards, we'll go out
for a couple of drinks,

so when I get home,
I'll be appropriately woozy.

And I'll tell Chelsea

that my colon
is clean as a whistle.

You know, a whistle
that you swallowed,

then blew out your bunghole.

Sure.

And then, she'll
put me to bed.

I'll get some
"Oh, poor Charlie" sex,

with her being ever mindful
of my tender area.

Wow.

This is a new low,
even for you.

Now, now, to be fair,

it's only a new low
in this relationship.

True. True.

Can I pick the movie?

Fine.

Do I get snacks?

Yes.

I'm paying for everything.

Why do we continue
to play this game?

Because I still
have my pride.

No, you don't.

Charlie, you okay?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I was just reminding Alan

that he has to take me in
for my colonoscopy.

Oh, that's not necessary.
I'll take you.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I don't want you
wasting your time off

in a doctor's waiting room.

Don't be ridiculous.
I'm driving you.

Now, come back to bed.

Good plan.

* Men. *

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't understand.

I need a colonoscopy,
and it has to be next Wednesday.

Yes, I'll hold.

Can you believe it?

Their hold music
is "Tunnel of Love."

It's better
than "Brown Eyed Girl."

Oh, God, I hope I can get
an appointment.

Maybe you should grease
a few palms.

If it was me,
I'd be greasing everything.

Yeah, hi.

Well, great, great.

Wednesday, 8:00 a.m.

Thank you, thank you.

You've made me very happy.

Yeah, I imagine you don't
hear that too often.

What?

Yeah, fine, fine.

I-I-I won't eat on Tuesday.

What do you mean,
flush out my system?

Oh, ick.

All right,
I'm a little less happy now.

Good-bye.

You won't believe
what they want me to do.

You mean taking laxatives
and drinking a half gallon

of industrial strength
Colon Blow?

Oh, right,
you've done this before.

It seemed funnier then.

I got to tell you,
it seems pretty funny now.

Why don't you just
tell Chelsea the truth?

What, that I'd rather get
violated by a long metal tube

than spend time with her folks?

Somehow, I don't see her
taking that

in the spirit
in which it was intended.

True, true.

Well, I've said it before,

and I think I need
to say it again.

Good plan.

* Men. *

Why isn't Uncle Charlie
eating?

He has to fast before he goes
to the doctor's tomorrow.

Is he okay?

Oh, yeah.

He's just getting
a routine test.

They're taking a look
at his intestines.

How do they do that?

Well, what they do is,
they take a tiny camera

and put it on the end
of a tube...

Why don't we eat first?

Good idea.

(grunting, sighing)

Well, I'm happy to report

I just saw a piece
of Hubba Bubba

I swallowed in fifth grade.

Oh, for God's sake, Charlie,
we're having dinner.

Don't rub it in.

Speaking of which,
I'm out of baby wipes.

I bought you two boxes
of baby wipes.

What can I tell you?

Babies don't crap like this.

At least not healthy babies.

There's a jar of aloe vera
under the sink.

What am I supposed
to do with that?

Oh, you put a little glob

on the end
of your finger...
Alan!

It's cooling
and soothing.

Oh, good, good.

'Cause let me tell you--

you could roast a marshmallow
on my anus.

You know what'd be good
for dessert?

S'mores.

* Men. *

How come I'm not loaded?

They're supposed
to get me loaded

before they
do it, right?

Yes. They'll hook you up
to an IV

right before the procedure.

All right, just so we're all
on the same page,

I want to be stone-cold out
before anything goes in.

I'll tell them.

All I get is a glass of wine
and a "pretty please."

All right, Mr. Harper,
we're ready.

Did you bring
the drugs with you?
Oh, no, sir.

The anesthesiologist
takes care of that.

Good luck.
Thanks.

By the way, since we couldn't
make it to Illinois,

I'm flying my parents in
to stay with us for a week.

What?

Enjoy your colonoscopy,
you lying dirtbag.

You knew?

I knew.

I'll give you $1,000
to push me to the parking lot.

* Men. *

* Men. *

How are you feeling?

Like a new fish
at Leavenworth.

Oh, don't be
so dramatic.

Good news is,
you have a clean bill of health.

Yes, but I lost
my watertight seal.

Yes, but you have
peace of mind.

Yes, but now I can't wear white
at our wedding.

(noisemakers blaring)

Yay, no polyps!

Way to go, Uncle Charlie.

Now you know
how it feels.

Thanks for calling ahead.

There's the
happy couple.

Welcome home.

Charlie, you remember
my mother, Martha.

And this is my
father, Tom.

Good to see you again.

You, too.

Nice to finally
meet you, Charlie.
Nice to meet you.

Uh, not much of a grip.

But you're probably a little
weak from your anal probe.

Didn't make me stronger.

Isn't this great, Charlie?

Because you couldn't
go see them, Chelsea's folks

dropped everything
to come spend time with you.

Yeah. It's great.

Isn't it funny
how plans work out?

Hey, I found some steaks
in the freezer.

Thought we'd have
a little barbecue.

Oh, Dad, he has to eat
light for a while.

Oh, please.

He's been treated like
a girl enough today.

He's not wrong.

I'm never wrong
about what a man needs.

(sniffs)
Good golly.

What's that fruity smell
coming from your head?

It's an apricot
conditioner.

It keeps my hair
from getting frizzy

with all the humidity.

Oh, we need to get some
meat in you, pronto.

Tom's always on guard against
the homosexual agenda.

No offense.

* Men. *

You're a great cook, Tom.

Well, I always say,

a man's gotta be
self-sufficient.

I agree.

All I need is booze,
satellite TV and a housekeeper

and I could survive in a cave.

You know, if it were
air-conditioned.

I gotta ask you
something, Charlie.

Okay, I admit it.

I slept with your daughter.

But don't worry,

I'm still going to marry her.

Damn straight, you are.

Which brings me
to my question.

When a man gets to be your
age and he's never married,

it's usually for one of
two reasons. One...

He's really lucky.

You're right,
not funny, go on.

What I'm tryin' to say is,

when a man gets to be 40
and he isn't married,

he's either a
rascal or a poof.

Interesting.

So?
So what?

So which one are you?

Uh... actually,
there's a third choice.

What's that?

Well, sometimes it takes a while

for a man to meet his soul mate,

like I finally met
your daughter.

Soul mate?
Yep.

So, poof.

Oh, just kiddin'.

How are my two favorite
fellas doing?

We're just fine, princess.

I just cleaned the grill

and now I'm givin' your beau
here a grillin'.

Well, stick a fork in me,
'cause I think I'm done.

Sorry, honey, my dad's always
been a little overprotective.

Well, I have to be.

When it comes to men, you've
always had a rotten picker.

No offense. I'm sure
you're the exception.

I'm glad you're sure.

Dad, why don't you go
see how mom's doing.

Oh, good idea.

She's jet-lagged and
still pretty wound up

over having a Colored pilot.

What can I say?

Mommy and Daddy
are horrible bigots?

But they're my parents,
and I gotta love 'em, right?

You're askin' the wrong guy.

Look at them though.

42 years together

and they're still
best friends.

Well, let's face it.

Who else would
have them?

At least they don't lie
to each other.

Okay, I get it.

I lied about the colonoscopy.

Trust me, I've been
punished enough.

I'm just saying, if our
marriage is going to last,

we have to make
a commitment

to always be honest
with each other.

You have my word.

You've given me
your word before.

Well, then you'd be silly
to take it again, wouldn't you?

What? I'm being honest.

So, how are you liking
Los Angeles?

Well, the weather's
lovely.

Oh, it is, isn't it?

What we don't care for
are the freeways and Mexicans.

Yeah, yeah,
they-they do get congested.

I think it's all the cheese
they cook with.

How's everybody getting along
out here?

Oh, everything's
fine, dear.

Remember what
we talked about?

No politics, religion
or what have you.

You don't have to tell me twice.

I'm not a Polack.

Hey, Charlie,
when we drove in,

I noticed a tavern
down the road.

How about you and I
go out for a drink?

Get to know each other
a little better.

Uh... sure, I guess.

Although, if you're on the
fence about me now,

alcohol isn't going to really
improve my chances.

I think it's a terrific idea.

You boys have fun.
All right.

I'm buying.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?

He said he's buying.

Who would have thought
that the best part of my day

would be having a colonoscopy?

* Men. *

To my future son-in-law.

Down the hatch.

Considering my day,

it'd be more like
"up the hatch."

Cheers.

So, Alan, Chelsea tells me
you're a chiropractor.

I imagine you give
a great back rub.

Uh, well, I do, but there's
a lot more involved than that.

I like back rubs.

But I need strong
hands on me.

Martha's got these
little parrot claws,

can't get deep
in the muscle.

Let me see what you got.

Hmm. No calluses.

I prefer the feel
of calluses.

If you want to see calluses,

check the inside
of his right palm.

(men giggling)

Look at that.

You don't see that
where I come from.

Oh, come on,

there's no gay people
where you live?

Of course there are,
but they got their own bar.

Little place called
"The Log Cabin."

On Forrester Street.

Right next to the A&W.

(playing on jukebox):
* Yes, I'm on my way...

Amazing that people
in California

can behave that way in public.

Well, we kinda believe
in live and let live.

Oh, that's baloney.

I believe in the sanctity
of the family,

marriage between a man
and a woman.

* Yes, I'm on my way...

But, damn,
those fellas do look happy.

Probably 'cause in California
they can't get married.

Really, really happy.

* Men. *

(laughs)
Down the hatch.

Looks like my future
father-in-law

has made
some new friends.

Yeah. I'm a
little confused.

I don't think
you're the only one.

* Do you really want
to make me cry. *

Oh, I love that song.

I hit it out of the park

on karaoke night at the VFW.

Chelsea didn't tell
me you're a vet.

Yeah, Navy.

Submarine Corps.

Oh, six month tours under
the polar ice cap.

Nothing to do but lift
weights, shoot the bull

and enjoy the company
of other men.

Six months with just men?

Not just men.

Young men.

Hard men.

And the hardest of them all
was Edward Boyton,

Seaman Third Class,

and my best pal.

1966, we were in the Philippines
for a week of R & R,

and we bought matching shirts.

Of course you did.

Oh, I remember
one night,

it was real hot and humid.

I can still see the wet silk

clinging to his
magnificent body.

Did you see this coming?

Uh-uh.

Then after we did our
hitch, we both went
our separate ways,

got married,
raised kids.

We still exchange
Christmas cards

and family photos
every year.

Terrific. Great,
great. Okay.

Why don't we drink
up and go home.

He's still in
great shape.

65 years old and
solid as a rock.

He lives in
Valencia.

Hey, how far is that from here?

Not so far.

It's right next
to Magic Mountain.

It's far, Alan.

Real far.

Right, right, it-it's far.

Come on, let's get you home
to your lovely wife.

Oh, she means well,
but she doesn't understand me.

Well, you're obviously
a complicated man.

Now, come on,

we've got a big day
tomorrow.

Universal Studios, then
Grauman's Chinese Theatre...

I want to go to Valencia.

Okay, we'll pencil it in.

See if we have time.

I want to go now!

I want to see Ed!

Yeah, but Ed is probably asleep.

You know, with his wife.
You want to know
a secret?

No, no, that's okay.
Don't ask, don't tell.

That's our philosophy.

I brought my silk shirt

and a VHS copy of
Ice Station Zebra

just in case, but shh.

ALAN:
You know who was great
in that movie?

Rock Hudson.
Shut up.

* Men. *

You guys have fun?

Oh, yeah.

My dad's really something,
isn't he?

Uh-huh.

Kind of a man's man.

You could say that.

TOM:
I'm telling you, Martha,
I can't live this lie anymore!

MARTHA:
You're drunk!

Now come to bed.
No!

It's a bed of lies!

I love Edward Boyton
and he loves me!

What the hell is happening?

I don't know,
but I have a feeling

your dad's going
to Magic Mountain tomorrow.

* Men. *

* Men. *

Hey.

You get your mom
on the plane okay?

Yeah.

How's she doing?

Pretty shook up.

It's not every day
your husband tells you

he's leaving you
for a 65-year-old man.

What bothers her more,

that her marriage is over
or that her ex-husband

is now promoting
the homosexual agenda.

I'm not in the mood, Charlie.

You took my dad to the hotel?

Yeah. Yeah.

I met this Edward Boyton
he's been talking about.

Nice guy.

Oh, yeah?

Black guy.

Really?

Can I be the one
to tell your mom?

I'm going to go lay down.

Hey, Chels?

What?

Given everything that's
gone down with your dad,

I'm off the hook on the whole
lying to you

about the colonoscopy thing,
right?

Right.

Isn't it nice
when things work out?