Original subtitles

* Men.

So what time is your flight?

8:00 a.m.

8:00 a.m.?

Wow.

Yep.

You want me to drive you? That'd be nice.

So what time you think we should leave, around 6:00?

To be on the safe side.

Sure, sure.

You never know with traffic and airport security and all.

Would you rather I call a cab?

No, no. No, I won't hear of it.

I'll call one for you.

Golly, I'm gonna miss you.

A couple days without sex won't kill you.

It's not just sex.

You're my friend, my companion.

And what makes you think I'm not going to have sex?

Excuse me?

Hey, when the cat's away, the mice masturbate.

Tell you what,

why don't you open a bottle of wine,

come upstairs and I'll give the mice something to remember me by.

Oh, yay, fresh memories.

Much better than the video of you on my iPhone.

You took video of me on your iPhone?

Well, I...

Just a little.

I'd have asked permission, but you were kind of busy.

Give me the phone.

Aw...

Give it.

Thank you.

Oh, Charlie!

What? You can't even tell it's you.

I can't turn my back on you, can I?

Actually, I have photographic evidence that you can.

Not anymore.

Aw...

Don't pout.

Just get the wine and come upstairs.

Okay.

And leave the phone down here.

Aw...

Let's see, what's the proper wine for the occasion?

Ah, who cares? Everything goes with ass biting.

Hey.

Thought you were on a date.

I was.

It didn't go well.

Really? You're usually such a hit with the ladies.

This might have been the worst date of my life.

Did she dress you in a leather bustier

and tie you to a bed?

No.

Did she Super Glue a model car to your balls?

No.

Did she talk you into putting on one of Mom's dresses

while she stole your wallet?

No.

Well, then this wasn't even your worst date this month.

I suppose.

And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way.

Happy to help.

I feel like going down to the beach

and diving into the ocean and swimming out

until my arms are so tired that I sink below the waves

into blessed oblivion.

Hold on. Before you do anything crazy,

can you help me get this bottle open?

Sure. I mean...

these women you meet online--

you think you have some kind of a connection,

you know, a bond,

and then you meet them face-to-face

and there's nothing.

Just two lonely strangers staring at each other

across buffalo wings and soft-serve ice cream.

Well, maybe your problem is taking them to a mall food court on a first date.

Well, excuse me, but I don't want to make a big investment

until I have a sense of where things are going.

Plus, the parking is free.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Okay, well, good catching up.

If you're going for that swim,

make sure you tuck your driver's license

in your crack so I can identify your body.

I mean, is it so much to ask to make a connection with another human being?

No, it's not.

I'm not even looking for sex. I just want a little companionship.

That's rough. Buy a dog.

You said I couldn't have a dog in the house.

Fine. Buy a dog and move.

You know what would be great?

If you could find a dog with its own house.

What's taking you so long?

Oh, hi, Alan.

How was your date? Awful.

Oh, I'm sorry. You want to talk about it?

No. He's going for a swim.

Well, I-I could use a friendly ear.

Of course. Now tell me, this is the girl you met online?

Uh-huh. "Perky Dodger fan in Tarzana."

So what happened? First of all, she wasn't so much perky as porky.

More like a Dodger Dog fan.

Don't you hate it when people misrepresent themselves?

I do. When someone makes a date with

"Buff Malibu doctor," that's just what they get.

(indistinct conversation)

Apparently, even when the cat's here,

the mice have to masturbate.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

(TV playing)

Hey.

Hey.

(whistle blowing)

Watching some football?

No fooling you.

Who are we rooting for?

The spread.

Ah, so we're making an illegal wager.

Technically.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging.

It's really a victimless crime, don't you think?

So far.

Sorry.

Heard any good jokes lately?

Yeah.

Two brothers are sitting on a couch.

One of them says, "Heard any good jokes lately?"

And then the other one--

get this-- the other one lights him on fire.

Okay, we'll just watch the game.

Thank you.

All right, it's a commercial.

Now you can talk.

Well, I was thinking, with Chelsea out of town...

Hold on, hold on, it's that baby that trades stocks.

I love this kid.

(chuckles)

Look at this...

Okay, go ahead.

I was thinking, with Chelsea out of town,

that maybe, you know, after the game...

you and I could go out and grab a bite to eat.

No, thanks.

Not hungry?

Don't like you.

Oh, come on, I need some human contact.

(doorbell ringing)

That's probably a human.

Go contact them.

That was clever.

I'm a clever guy.

Well, hey, buddy. You're here early.

Oh, I was thinking, that if you're hungry,

you and I could grab a bite to eat and... (door closing)

Maybe later.

He's been a little crabby since his girlfriend dumped him.

The kid's a stone-cold bummer, Alan.

Okay, well, thanks for dropping him off.

You're welcome. Oh, hey, Herb,

by any chance, do you want to go out and maybe grab a bite?

Really? You and me?

Sure. Why not?

That's kind of weird, isn't it?

I mean, you're the ex-husband, I'm the current.

So we've got something in common.

We do, don't we?

Right.

Neither one of us is having sex with Judith.

(laughing)

That's actually a little too close to home.

Sorry.

So what do you think?

I could eat.

Let's go.

Uh, you ever been to Kabob Kingdom?

At the food court? I love that place.

(sportscast playing)

Hey, Berta, would you grab me a beer?

Sure.

Jake, grab your uncle a beer.

Let him get it himself.

Sorry. I tried.

Hey, numbnuts, just take a beer out of the fridge

and bring it over here.

Fine.

Here.

Thank you.

What's with the attitude?

You're the reason Celeste broke up with me.

You still grinding on that?

Yeah, I'm still grinding on it. I love her.

Stop it. You love fart jokes and pie.

Fart jokes, pie and Celeste.

If you hadn't talked me into hanging out

with that other girl, I'd still have all three.

Oh, come on, pal.

At your age, relationships aren't serious.

They're just, you know, puppy love.

No, no, this wasn't puppy love.

This was... dog love.

Trust me, you have not had dog love yet.

I don't even think your father's had dog love yet.

Not unless you count getting bitch slapped.

I promise you'll get over this.

You'll meet somebody else.

You'll love her, she won't love you.

She'll love you, you won't love her.

You'll love each other, but she's married to a cop

who catches you in a motel room and beats you near to death

with his big police flashlight.

The point is,

you've got a lot of living to do, right, Berta?

You don't want to piss off a cop.

Thanks, Uncle Charlie.

You've really given me a lot to think about.

Hey, hey, hey, nobody likes a smartass.

Not so sexy when it happens to you, is it?

* Men.

I give up, Herb.

How do you tell a kabob to be quiet?

Shh... kabob.

Very clever. Very clever.

Well, when you're a pediatrician,

you need to have a lot of kid-friendly jokes.

Sometimes when I use the little reflex hammer,

I pretend I'm an Indian.

(chanting)

It's not politically correct, but the tykes love it.

Oh, boy.

I wish my doctor had a sense of humor.

Every time I have a prostate exam, I say,

"What, you're not going to buy me dinner first?"

And nothin',

not even a smile.

Really? 'Cause that's a beaut.

That's what I thought.

But most people just don't get me.

Well, that's their loss.

(ringtone playing "I've Been Working on the Railroad")

Excuse me.

Uh-oh.

Hi, Judith.

I, uh, just stopped for a bite to eat.

I know you have leftover meat loaf.

Probably left over from when I was married to her.

Shh, shh, shh.

What?

That was Alan.

Yes, that Alan.

Hi, Judith.

No, no, Jake's not here. It's just the two of us.

No, I have not lost my mind.

Whoa, whoa.

Calm down.

Judith, calm down.

Can we talk about this when I get home?

All right, bye.

She says hi back.

Sorry to get you in trouble.

Oh, no trouble. I'm a grown man.

And I think I can have lunch with whoever I want.

Right.

So, how's the chiropractor biz?

Well, it's been a little slow,

you know, with the economy and everything,

but I'm starting to see a little turnaround, and it's been...

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

* Men.

(acoustic guitar playing soft chords)

JAKE: * Oh, Celeste, you are the best *

* With you I was blessed, but I failed the test *

* And now I'm depressed, Celeste... *

* You might as well take my heart *

* Out of my chest

* And mail it...

* All the way to Budapest

(knocking)

Got a minute?

I'm busy.

Yeah, I heard.

Budapest.

Very catchy.

What do you want?

I want to apologize for sending you down a bad road

with your girlfriend.

Yeah, well, forget it. I'm gonna get her back.

Well, good, good.

So what's the plan?

I'm gonna finish writing my song

and then I'm gonna sing it to her.

Okay, uh, is that the entire plan?

No.

I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.

Ooh, pulling out the big guns.

Yep.

Can I offer an alternative plan?

I don't want to hear any more plans from you.

Understandable.

I'd be a little skeptical in your shoes,

but just hear me out.

The song, good as it is, it smacks of desperation.

Thank you.

Uh, no, no.

I mean, girls don't generally respond to desperation.

How do you know?

Are you kidding? I've been watching your father

get shot down for 25 years.

It's like living with an Air Force training film.

Listen, if you really want to get Celeste back, you man up,

go over to her house,

admit you made a mistake with the other girl,

you realize now that Celeste is one in a million,

blah, blah, blah, and if she doesn't

ever wanna see you again, you understand.

And then sing her the song?

Forget the song.

Okay.

Do I really say "blah, blah, blah"?

* Men.

Alan, wait!

You forgot your kabob.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

And thanks again for driving.

It was fun.

Oh, yeah, I had a good time, too.

I'm glad.

So... we should do it again sometime.

I'd like that.

Great, great. You know, I'm gonna go

to the flea market tomorrow. You wanna join me?

Tomorrow?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's probably too soon.

No, no.

No, it's not, it's just...

Judith. I know, I know.

I'm just not sure what to tell her.

Well, you can tell her the truth.

What is the truth, Alan?

That we're friends.

We are friends, aren't we?

Okay, friend.

I'll see ya tomorrow.

It's a date.

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)Oh! Jake, Jake, hi, buddy. Um...

I don't care. I got my own problems.

* Men.

* Oh, Celeste, I am congested

* With love for my Celeste... ed *

* Yeah

(knocking)

Did you talk to her?

Yeah.

How'd it go?

Not so good.

You sang that song, didn't you?

No, I did exactly what you said.

I told her I'm sorry,

I made a mistake with that other girl

and she's one in a million, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, just to be clear,

you didn't really say "blah, blah, blah"?

I'm not an idiot, Uncle Charlie.

No, no, of course not. Then what?

Then I said if she never wants to see me again, I'd understand.

And what'd she say?

"I never want to see you again."

Ouch.

Ouch? That's it?

That's all you've got?

Well, you know, look at the bright side.

You got a great song out of it.

Ten more girls peein' on you, you got an album.

Or a fetish.

Okay, well...

say no to drugs.

* Men.

(doorbell chimes)

Oh, hey, Judith.

Just came by to pick up Herb.

We're going to the flea market.

No, you're not.

What do you mean? I just talked to him.

Look, Alan, I discussed it with Herb and we decided

that it's not in anyone's best interest for you two

to be spending time together.

You both decided that, huh? Yes.

Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to hear it from Herb.

I do mind.

The two of you hanging out is wrong. It's unnatural.

Excuse me, but I have done a few unnatural things

in my day, and this is not unnatural.

Good-bye, Alan.

Our marriage, that was unnatural!

You can't do this, Judith!

You cannot keep us apart!

Herb and I will find a way to be together!

Hi.

Hi.

That must've sounded kinda strange.

Not at all.

Herb is a very handsome man.

* Men.

Hey, I brought you another soda.

Thanks.

(sighs)

Believe me, Jake, you'll get over Celeste.

I don't wanna get over her. I think she was the one.

The one what?

The one, you know, who was pretty and liked me

and maybe was gonna let me do stuff to her someday.

And you think there's only one of those out there?

What do you think?

It doesn't matter what I think.

Jake, you gotta start looking at this differently.

Women are kinda like the little boxes of cereal

in one of those variety packs.

I like the variety packs.

I know you do.

But they should put in more sugary cereals

and less cereals that help you poop.

No argument.

But my point is, a variety pack approach gives you a choice.

It's really not that great a choice.

In a pack of eight,

there's always at least three poopin' cereals.

Okay, we're getting away from the point.

What's your favorite cereal?

It used to be Frankenberry,

but I'm kind of on a Froot Loops kick now. Terrific.

They don't get soggy as fast. Got it.

Plus the milk tastes better afterward.

Okay, okay, okay.

So imagine Celeste is Froot Loops.

You like her now,

but who's to say she isn't tomorrow's Frankenberry?

You're wrong.

Celeste will always be my Froot Loops.

You can't know that.

Look at me.

I've been with a lot of women,

but I only just recently found the love of my life.

Well, no disrespect, but I don't wanna wait

until I'm as old and hard up

as you are to find a good girlfriend.

What? I said no disrespect.

You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.

Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Told ya I'm not an idiot.

* Men.

(hushed): Herb!

Herb!

(thud)

Alan?

Over here!

Alan...

I didn't want you to think that I stood you up.

Oh, I know you'd never do that.

Judith just doesn't understand.

I know, and I'm sorry.

But what are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Well, maybe I'll see you when I bring Jake back.

That'd be nice.

Bye.

Bye.

Alan, wait!

I'm coming with you!

But how?

Be careful, you big galoot.

I'm okay. I'm okay!

(creaking)

I'm not okay!

(thud)

Oh, God! Herb, talk to me!

(groans)

What's going on out here?!

Alan, wait! Take me with you!

* Men.

(TV plays) I miss Celeste.

I miss Chelsea.

I miss Herb.

Uh, I mean, I mean, Sex and the City.

I miss Sex and the City.

Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

I guess that's just what our lives have come down to;

three pathetic, lonely guys

watching television on a Sunday night.

Oh, crap, it's Sunday night!

Chelsea's flying into LAX!

You gonna pick her up?

No, I'm gonna call her a cab and take a Viagra.

Well, buddy, I guess it's you and me.

No disrespect, Dad, but that just makes it worse.

I said no disrespect.

Why doesn't that ever work?

(phone rings)

Hello?

Yeah, this is Jake.

Oh, hi, Nicole.

Yeah, I broke up with Celeste.

Now?

Sure. See ya in a few.

I'm gonna go meet Nicole at the pier.

Who's Nicole?

I'm not really sure.

(sighs)

* I remember you...

* You're the one who made my dreams come true. *

(doorbell rings) (music stops)

Herb.

We haven't got much time.

Judith thinks I'm in physical therapy.

Well, then let's make the most of it.