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1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,371
* Men.
2
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:04,805
So what time
is your flight?
3
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:05,739
8:00 a.m.
4
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:07,375
8:00 a.m.?
5
00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:08,442
Wow.
6
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:09,610
Yep.
7
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:13,281
You want me to drive you?
That'd be nice.
8
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:16,250
So what time you think
we should leave, around 6:00?
9
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:17,985
To be on the safe side.
10
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,620
Sure, sure.
11
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:22,190
You never know with traffic
and airport security and all.
12
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:24,325
Would you rather
I call a cab?
13
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,760
No, no. No, I won't hear of it.
14
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:28,696
I'll call one for you.
15
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:31,532
Golly, I'm gonna miss you.
16
00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:34,668
A couple days without
sex won't kill you.
17
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,237
It's not just sex.
18
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:38,272
You're my friend,
my companion.
19
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,476
And what makes you think
I'm not going to have sex?
20
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,145
Excuse me?
21
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:47,014
Hey, when the cat's away,
the mice masturbate.
22
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,818
Tell you what,
23
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,553
why don't you open
a bottle of wine,
24
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,923
come upstairs and I'll
give the mice something
to remember me by.
25
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,025
Oh, yay, fresh memories.
26
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:02,029
Much better than the video
of you on my iPhone.
27
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,666
You took video of me
on your iPhone?
28
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,168
Well, I...
29
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,802
Just a little.
30
00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:13,541
I'd have asked permission,
but you were kind of busy.
31
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,276
Give me the phone.
32
00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:16,677
Aw...
33
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,646
Give it.
34
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:21,649
Thank you.
35
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:24,618
Oh, Charlie!
36
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,155
What? You can't even tell
it's you.
37
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,723
I can't turn my back
on you, can I?
38
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,860
Actually, I have photographic
evidence that you can.
39
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,828
Not anymore.
40
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:36,930
Aw...
41
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:38,232
Don't pout.
42
00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:40,668
Just get the wine
and come upstairs.
43
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:41,702
Okay.
44
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,036
And leave
the phone down here.
45
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,005
Aw...
46
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:52,313
Let's see, what's the proper
wine for the occasion?
47
00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:55,316
Ah, who cares? Everything goes
with ass biting.
48
00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:58,419
Hey.
49
00:01:58,486 --> 00:01:59,920
Thought you were on a date.
50
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,489
I was.
51
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:02,956
It didn't go well.
52
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:06,627
Really? You're usually
such a hit with the ladies.
53
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:09,730
This might have been
the worst date of my life.
54
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,332
Did she dress you in
a leather bustier
55
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:12,833
and tie you to a bed?
56
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,034
No.
57
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:17,171
Did she Super Glue a model car
to your balls?
58
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,072
No.
59
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,342
Did she talk you into putting on
one of Mom's dresses
60
00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:22,176
while she stole your wallet?
61
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:23,911
No.
62
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,980
Well, then this wasn't even
your worst date this month.
63
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,782
I suppose.
64
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:31,018
And thanks for the
highlight reel, by the way.
65
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,085
Happy to help.
66
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,688
I feel like going down
to the beach
67
00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:37,925
and diving into the ocean
and swimming out
68
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:41,395
until my arms are so tired that
I sink below the waves
69
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:42,730
into blessed oblivion.
70
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,298
Hold on. Before you
do anything crazy,
71
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,267
can you help me get
this bottle open?
72
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,669
Sure. I mean...
73
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:49,970
these women you meet online--
74
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:52,206
you think you have
some kind of a connection,
75
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:53,507
you know, a bond,
76
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:54,642
and then you meet them
face-to-face
77
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,109
and there's nothing.
78
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,679
Just two lonely strangers
staring at each other
79
00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,881
across buffalo wings
and soft-serve ice cream.
80
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:05,286
Well, maybe your problem
is taking them to a mall
food court on a first date.
81
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:08,188
Well, excuse me, but I don't
want to make a big investment
82
00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:10,824
until I have a sense
of where things are going.
83
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:13,261
Plus, the parking
is free.
84
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,194
Here you go.
85
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:16,364
Thank you.
86
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,965
Okay, well, good catching up.
87
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:19,367
If you're going for that swim,
88
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,034
make sure you tuck
your driver's license
89
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,337
in your crack so I can
identify your body.
90
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:30,210
I mean, is it so much to ask
to make a connection with
another human being?
91
00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:32,079
No, it's not.
92
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,415
I'm not even looking
for sex. I just want a
little companionship.
93
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:35,849
That's rough. Buy a dog.
94
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,818
You said I couldn't have
a dog in the house.
95
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:41,322
Fine. Buy a dog and move.
96
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,756
You know what would be great?
97
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:45,593
If you could find a dog
with its own house.
98
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:48,429
What's taking
you so long?
99
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:49,630
Oh, hi, Alan.
100
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,632
How was your date?
Awful.
101
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,701
Oh, I'm sorry.
You want to talk about it?
102
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,569
No. He's going
for a swim.
103
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:58,472
Well, I-I could use
a friendly ear.
104
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:02,009
Of course. Now tell me, this
is the girl you met online?
105
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,745
Uh-huh. "Perky Dodger
fan in Tarzana."
106
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:08,081
So what happened?
First of all, she wasn't
so much perky as porky.
107
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,184
More like a Dodger Dog fan.
108
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,621
Don't you hate it when people
misrepresent themselves?
109
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,289
I do. When someone
makes a date with
110
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:17,257
"Buff Malibu doctor,"
that's just what they get.
111
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,059
(indistinct conversation)
112
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:21,061
Apparently,
even when the cat's here,
113
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:23,030
the mice have to masturbate.
114
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,933
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
115
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:29,002
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
116
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:31,705
* Men.
117
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,206
(TV playing)
118
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,975
Hey.
119
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,577
Hey.
120
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:38,211
(whistle blowing)
121
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,747
Watching some football?
122
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:41,382
No fooling you.
123
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,287
Who are we rooting for?
124
00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:48,856
The spread.
125
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:55,563
Ah, so we're making
an illegal wager.
126
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,197
Technically.
127
00:04:57,264 --> 00:05:00,033
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not judging.
128
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,970
It's really a victimless
crime, don't you think?
129
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:08,175
So far.
130
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,713
Sorry.
131
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,354
Heard any good
jokes lately?
132
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:23,824
Yeah.
133
00:05:23,891 --> 00:05:26,627
Two brothers are
sitting on a couch.
134
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:30,364
One of them says,
"Heard any good jokes lately?"
135
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:31,865
And then the other one--
136
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:36,103
get this-- the other
one lights him on fire.
137
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,847
Okay, we'll just
watch the game.
138
00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,082
Thank you.
139
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,052
All right, it's
a commercial.
140
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,587
Now you can talk.
141
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:56,289
Well, I was thinking,
with Chelsea out of town...
142
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:59,827
Hold on, hold on, it's that
baby that trades stocks.
143
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:02,830
I love this kid.
144
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:03,831
(chuckles)
145
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,433
Look at this...
146
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:11,905
Okay, go ahead.
147
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:15,843
I was thinking, with Chelsea
out of town,
148
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,912
that maybe, you know,
after the game...
149
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:22,315
you and I could go out
and grab a bite to eat.
150
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,717
No, thanks.
151
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:24,952
Not hungry?
152
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:27,287
Don't like you.
153
00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:30,658
Oh, come on,
I need some human contact.
154
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,925
(doorbell ringing)
155
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,393
That's probably a human.
156
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:35,062
Go contact them.
157
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,000
That was clever.
158
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,002
I'm a clever guy.
159
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:44,638
Well, hey, buddy.
You're here early.
160
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,640
Oh, I was thinking,
that if you're hungry,
161
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:48,776
you and I could grab
a bite to eat and...
(door closing)
162
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,410
Maybe later.
163
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:53,847
He's been a little crabby
since his girlfriend dumped him.
164
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,349
The kid's a stone-cold
bummer, Alan.
165
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,352
Okay, well, thanks
for dropping him off.
166
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,589
You're welcome.
Oh, hey, Herb,
167
00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:05,392
by any chance, do you want to
go out and maybe grab a bite?
168
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:06,994
Really? You and me?
169
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,195
Sure. Why not?
170
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,930
That's kind of weird, isn't it?
171
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:12,132
I mean, you're the ex-husband,
I'm the current.
172
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,934
So we've got
something in common.
173
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,235
We do, don't we?
174
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,369
Right.
175
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,672
Neither one of us is
having sex with Judith.
176
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,073
(laughing)
177
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,846
That's actually a little
too close to home.
178
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:26,947
Sorry.
179
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,516
So what do you think?
180
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:29,717
I could eat.
181
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:30,984
Let's go.
182
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,486
Uh, you ever been
to Kabob Kingdom?
183
00:07:32,553 --> 00:07:35,589
At the food court?
I love that place.
184
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,857
(sportscast playing)
185
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,992
Hey, Berta, would you
grab me a beer?
186
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,293
Sure.
187
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,496
Jake, grab your
uncle a beer.
188
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:43,964
Let him get it himself.
189
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:45,799
Sorry. I tried.
190
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,035
Hey, numbnuts, just take a beer
out of the fridge
191
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,469
and bring it over here.
192
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,171
Fine.
193
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,444
Here.
194
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:58,779
Thank you.
195
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,380
What's with the attitude?
196
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,315
You're the reason
Celeste broke up with me.
197
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:03,717
You still grinding on that?
198
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:06,019
Yeah, I'm still grinding on it.
I love her.
199
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:09,189
Stop it. You love fart jokes
and pie.
200
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,759
Fart jokes, pie and Celeste.
201
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,661
If you hadn't talked me into
hanging out
202
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,829
with that other girl,
I'd still have all three.
203
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,497
Oh, come on, pal.
204
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:19,466
At your age, relationships
aren't serious.
205
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,334
They're just, you know,
puppy love.
206
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,604
No, no, this wasn't puppy love.
207
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,673
This was... dog love.
208
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:29,509
Trust me, you have not had
dog love yet.
209
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:32,179
I don't even think your father's
had dog love yet.
210
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:36,016
Not unless you count
getting bitch slapped.
211
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,819
I promise you'll get over this.
212
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,588
You'll meet somebody else.
213
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,189
You'll love her,
she won't love you.
214
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:43,857
She'll love you,
you won't love her.
215
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,026
You'll love each other, but
she's married to a cop
216
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:48,862
who catches you in a motel room
and beats you near to death
217
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,831
with his big police flashlight.
218
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,400
The point is,
219
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,869
you've got a lot of living
to do, right, Berta?
220
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:59,039
You don't want to
piss off a cop.
221
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,642
Thanks, Uncle Charlie.
222
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,111
You've really given me
a lot to think about.
223
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:07,214
Hey, hey, hey, nobody
likes a smartass.
224
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:17,090
Not so sexy when it
happens to you, is it?
225
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:20,093
* Men.
226
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,095
I give up, Herb.
227
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,798
How do you tell
a kabob to be quiet?
228
00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:27,034
Shh... kabob.
229
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:30,237
Very clever.
Very clever.
230
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:31,639
Well, when you're
a pediatrician,
231
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,607
you need to have a lot
of kid-friendly jokes.
232
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,609
Sometimes when I use
the little reflex hammer,
233
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,645
I pretend I'm an Indian.
234
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:39,680
(chanting)
235
00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:42,983
It's not politically correct,
but the tykes love it.
236
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,284
Oh, boy.
237
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:46,286
I wish my doctor had
a sense of humor.
238
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,288
Every time I have a prostate
exam, I say,
239
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:50,624
"What, you're not going to buy
me dinner first?"
240
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:51,925
And nothin',
241
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,260
not even a smile.
242
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,328
Really? 'Cause that's a beaut.
243
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:56,664
That's what I thought.
244
00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:58,966
But most people
just don't get me.
245
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:02,235
Well, that's their loss.
246
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,875
(ringtone playing "I've Been
Working on the Railroad")
247
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,142
Excuse me.
248
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,144
Uh-oh.
249
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,513
Hi, Judith.
250
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,482
I, uh, just stopped
for a bite to eat.
251
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,652
I know you have
leftover meat loaf.
252
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,721
Probably left over from when
I was married to her.
253
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:21,855
Shh, shh, shh.
254
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,058
What?
255
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,894
That was Alan.
256
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:27,961
Yes, that Alan.
257
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,496
Hi, Judith.
258
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:32,700
No, no, Jake's not here.
It's just the two of us.
259
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:35,502
No, I have not
lost my mind.
260
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:37,037
Whoa, whoa.
261
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:38,105
Calm down.
262
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,707
Judith, calm down.
263
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,209
Can we talk about this
when I get home?
264
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,945
All right, bye.
265
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,981
She says hi back.
266
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:49,249
Sorry to get you in trouble.
267
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,718
Oh, no trouble. I'm a grown man.
268
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:53,520
And I think I can have lunch
with whoever I want.
269
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,022
Right.
270
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,389
So, how's the chiropractor biz?
271
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:57,691
Well, it's been a little slow,
272
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,693
you know, with the economy
and everything,
273
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,895
but I'm starting to see
a little turnaround,
and it's been...
274
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:02,896
I'm sorry. I gotta go.
275
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,039
* Men.
276
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,841
(acoustic guitar playing
soft chords)
277
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,744
JAKE:
* Oh, Celeste,
you are the best *
278
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:22,883
* With you I was blessed,
but I failed the test *
279
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:29,289
* And now I'm depressed,
Celeste... *
280
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:35,763
* You might as well take
my heart *
281
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:38,899
* Out of my chest
282
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:40,901
* And mail it...
283
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:43,771
* All the way to Budapest
284
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,140
(knocking)
285
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,175
Got a minute?
286
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,242
I'm busy.
287
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:50,610
Yeah, I heard.
288
00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:51,912
Budapest.
289
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,713
Very catchy.
290
00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:54,982
What do you want?
291
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:58,085
I want to apologize for sending
you down a bad road
292
00:11:58,151 --> 00:11:59,519
with your girlfriend.
293
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,221
Yeah, well, forget it.
I'm gonna get her back.
294
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,222
Well, good, good.
295
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,290
So what's the plan?
296
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:04,591
I'm gonna finish writing my song
297
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:05,826
and then I'm gonna sing it
to her.
298
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:09,129
Okay, uh,
is that the entire plan?
299
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:10,463
No.
300
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:13,066
I'm also gonna put on
a clean shirt.
301
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,735
Ooh, pulling out the big guns.
302
00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:18,038
Yep.
303
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,773
Can I offer an alternative plan?
304
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,809
I don't want to hear
any more plans from you.
305
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:22,943
Understandable.
306
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:24,544
I'd be a little
skeptical in your shoes,
307
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:25,979
but just hear me out.
308
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:29,950
The song, good as it is,
it smacks of desperation.
309
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:32,886
Thank you.
310
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,022
Uh, no, no.
311
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:38,325
I mean, girls don't generally
respond to desperation.
312
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:39,793
How do you know?
313
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,995
Are you kidding?
I've been watching your father
314
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:43,696
get shot down for 25 years.
315
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,699
It's like living with
an Air Force training film.
316
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,940
Listen, if you really want to
get Celeste back, you man up,
317
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,374
go over to her house,
318
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,343
admit you made a mistake
with the other girl,
319
00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:58,645
you realize now
that Celeste is
one in a million,
320
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,347
blah, blah, blah,
and if she doesn't
321
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,082
ever wanna see you again,
you understand.
322
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,051
And then sing her the song?
323
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:07,087
Forget the song.
324
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,822
Okay.
325
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:11,591
Do I really say
"blah, blah, blah"?
326
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:16,029
* Men.
327
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,031
Alan, wait!
328
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,132
You forgot your kabob.
329
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,300
Oh. Oh, thank you.
330
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,334
You're welcome.
331
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:22,903
And thanks again
for driving.
332
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,071
It was fun.
333
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,672
Oh, yeah,
I had a good time, too.
334
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:26,773
I'm glad.
335
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,109
So... we should
do it again sometime.
336
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,743
I'd like that.
337
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,779
Great, great.
You know, I'm gonna go
338
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:35,015
to the flea market tomorrow.
You wanna join me?
339
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:36,516
Tomorrow?
340
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,351
Oh, gee, I don't know.
341
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,620
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's probably too soon.
342
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:42,990
No, no.
343
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:44,457
No, it's not, it's just...
344
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:45,926
Judith. I know, I know.
345
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,460
I'm just not sure
what to tell her.
346
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,429
Well, you can tell her
the truth.
347
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,299
What is the truth, Alan?
348
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,734
That we're friends.
349
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:56,937
We are friends, aren't we?
350
00:13:58,071 --> 00:13:59,039
Okay, friend.
351
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,107
I'll see ya tomorrow.
352
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,009
It's a date.
353
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,446
(chuckles)
354
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:10,117
(chuckles)
355
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,921
(chuckles)Oh! Jake,
Jake, hi, buddy. Um...
356
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:17,424
I don't care.
I got my own problems.
357
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:19,826
* Men.
358
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:28,568
* Oh, Celeste, I am congested
359
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:35,008
* With love
for my Celeste... ed *
360
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,978
* Yeah
361
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,679
(knocking)
362
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,114
Did you talk to her?
363
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,049
Yeah.
364
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:42,782
How'd it go?
365
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:44,384
Not so good.
366
00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:46,419
You sang that song, didn't you?
367
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:47,988
No, I did exactly what you said.
368
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,022
I told her I'm sorry,
369
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,790
I made a mistake
with that other girl
370
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:52,692
and she's one in a million,
blah, blah, blah.
371
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:54,061
Okay, just to be clear,
372
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:56,363
you didn't really say
"blah, blah, blah"?
373
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,398
I'm not an idiot, Uncle Charlie.
374
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,934
No, no, of course not.
Then what?
375
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:04,037
Then I said if she never wants
to see me again, I'd understand.
376
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,072
And what'd she say?
377
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,140
"I never want to see you again."
378
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,408
Ouch.
379
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:09,476
Ouch? That's it?
380
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:10,743
That's all you've got?
381
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:12,845
Well, you know,
look at the bright side.
382
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,614
You got a great song out of it.
383
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,950
Ten more girls peein' on you,
you got an album.
384
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,120
Or a fetish.
385
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,556
Okay, well...
386
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:26,126
say no to drugs.
387
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:29,696
* Men.
388
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:31,898
(doorbell chimes)
389
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,603
Oh, hey, Judith.
390
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,371
Just came by
to pick up Herb.
391
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,906
We're going
to the flea market.
392
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,774
No, you're not.
393
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,210
What do you mean?
I just talked to him.
394
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,645
Look, Alan, I discussed it
with Herb and we decided
395
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,914
that it's not in anyone's best
interest for you two
396
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,249
to be spending time together.
397
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,784
You both decided that, huh?
Yes.
398
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,453
Well, if you don't mind,
I'd like to hear it from Herb.
399
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:54,988
I do mind.
400
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,190
The two of you hanging out is
wrong. It's unnatural.
401
00:15:57,257 --> 00:16:00,027
Excuse me, but I have done
a few unnatural things
402
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:02,329
in my day,
and this is not unnatural.
403
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,696
Good-bye, Alan.
404
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:06,299
Our marriage,
that was unnatural!
405
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:09,236
You can't do this, Judith!
406
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,204
You cannot keep us apart!
407
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:14,074
Herb and I will find a way
to be together!
408
00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,145
Hi.
409
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:19,579
Hi.
410
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:22,049
That must've sounded
kinda strange.
411
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,650
Not at all.
412
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,218
Herb is a very handsome man.
413
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:30,923
* Men.
414
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:34,394
Hey, I brought you
another soda.
415
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,896
Thanks.
416
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,067
(sighs)
417
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:44,671
Believe me, Jake,
you'll get over Celeste.
418
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,006
I don't wanna get over her.
I think she was the one.
419
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,741
The one what?
420
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,044
The one, you know,
who was pretty and liked me
421
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:53,680
and maybe was gonna let me
do stuff to her someday.
422
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:56,516
And you think there's only one
of those out there?
423
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:57,650
What do you think?
424
00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:01,688
It doesn't matter what I think.
425
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:05,558
Jake, you gotta start looking
at this differently.
426
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:09,396
Women are kinda like
the little boxes of cereal
427
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,830
in one of those
variety packs.
428
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,199
I like the variety packs.
429
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:13,433
I know you do.
430
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:14,934
But they should put in more
sugary cereals
431
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,569
and less cereals
that help you poop.
432
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,238
No argument.
433
00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:22,709
But my point is, a variety pack
approach gives you a choice.
434
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:24,043
It's really not
that great a choice.
435
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:25,512
In a pack of eight,
436
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:27,414
there's always at least
three poopin' cereals.
437
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,349
Okay, we're getting away
from the point.
438
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:30,283
What's your favorite cereal?
439
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:31,918
It used to be Frankenberry,
440
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:34,787
but I'm kind of on
a Froot Loops kick now.
Terrific.
441
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:36,456
They don't get
soggy as fast.
Got it.
442
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:37,824
Plus the milk
tastes better afterward.
443
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,759
Okay, okay, okay.
444
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:42,429
So imagine Celeste is
Froot Loops.
445
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,131
You like her now,
446
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:47,033
but who's to say she isn't
tomorrow's Frankenberry?
447
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,067
You're wrong.
448
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,769
Celeste will always be
my Froot Loops.
449
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:51,538
You can't know that.
450
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:52,705
Look at me.
451
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,407
I've been with a lot
of women,
452
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:57,244
but I only just recently found
the love of my life.
453
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,279
Well, no disrespect,
but I don't wanna wait
454
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:00,680
until I'm as old and hard up
455
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,782
as you are
to find a good girlfriend.
456
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,253
What?
I said no disrespect.
457
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:10,757
You know, you make it really
difficult to love you sometimes.
458
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,925
Yeah, that's what
my mom says.
459
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:20,267
Told ya I'm not an idiot.
460
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,904
* Men.
461
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,843
(hushed):
Herb!
462
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:33,112
Herb!
463
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,051
(thud)
464
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:41,721
Alan?
465
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:42,855
Over here!
466
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,760
Alan...
467
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,796
I didn't want you to think
that I stood you up.
468
00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:52,532
Oh, I know you'd never do that.
469
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,201
Judith just doesn't understand.
470
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,668
I know, and I'm sorry.
471
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,637
But what are we gonna do?
472
00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,071
I don't know.
473
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:03,410
Well, maybe I'll see you
when I bring Jake back.
474
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,412
That'd be nice.
475
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,581
Bye.
476
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,217
Bye.
477
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,252
Alan, wait!
478
00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:13,920
I'm coming with you!
479
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,222
But how?
480
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,459
Be careful, you big galoot.
481
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,027
I'm okay. I'm okay!
482
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:22,595
(creaking)
483
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,130
I'm not okay!
484
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:24,931
(thud)
485
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,600
Oh, God! Herb, talk to me!
486
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,668
(groans)
487
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:30,870
What's going on out here?!
488
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:36,676
Alan, wait! Take me with you!
489
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:38,345
* Men.
490
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:42,582
(TV plays)
I miss Celeste.
491
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,183
I miss Chelsea.
492
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,286
I miss Herb.
493
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:50,823
Uh, I mean, I mean,
Sex and the City.
494
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,692
I miss Sex
and the City.
495
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,127
Yeah, Alan,
that's much less gay.
496
00:19:56,996 --> 00:20:00,233
I guess that's just what
our lives have come down to;
497
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,101
three pathetic,
lonely guys
498
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:05,505
watching television
on a Sunday night.
499
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:07,740
Oh, crap, it's Sunday night!
500
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,041
Chelsea's flying into LAX!
501
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:10,543
You gonna pick her up?
502
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,880
No, I'm gonna call her a cab
and take a Viagra.
503
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:17,350
Well, buddy, I guess
it's you and me.
504
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:21,421
No disrespect, Dad, but that
just makes it worse.
505
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:25,157
I said no disrespect.
506
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,726
Why doesn't that ever work?
507
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:30,129
(phone rings)
508
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:32,899
Hello?
509
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:34,867
Yeah, this is Jake.
510
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,303
Oh, hi, Nicole.
511
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:39,406
Yeah, I broke up with Celeste.
512
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,573
Now?
513
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,375
Sure. See ya in a few.
514
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,512
I'm gonna go meet Nicole
at the pier.
515
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:46,413
Who's Nicole?
516
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:48,481
I'm not really sure.
517
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,120
(sighs)
518
00:20:56,022 --> 00:21:01,461
* I remember you...
519
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:11,270
* You're the one who made
my dreams come true. *
520
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,209
(doorbell rings)
(music stops)
521
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,882
Herb.
522
00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:24,250
We haven't got much time.
523
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:25,918
Judith thinks
I'm in physical therapy.
524
00:21:25,985 --> 00:21:29,255
Well, then let's make
the most of it.
35514
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