All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S04E12.1080p.Bluray.x265-HiQVE_Track03

We're finally headed to the Good Place.

It's the "me" of places!

I-I got in,
I can say stuff like that again.

Are you sure we're going the right way,
Janet?

Well, I've never been to
the Good Place before, but

yes, I'm sure.

- How?
- Because

it feels like I'm on my way home.

Flying puppy!

You're almost there!
Just a little further.

Flying puppies? Dang it, Michael,

why didn't you think of
that for your neighborhood?

These guys are good.

I feel just like Dorothy
when she lands in Oz.

Excited, incredulous,

much taller than everyone else around me.

What's everyone wanna do first?

- Racing go-karts with monkeys.
- Sure.

It's my lifelong dream.

Monkeys are the ideal go-kart opponents.

They're funny enough to give the finger,

but not smart enough to win.

Does that mean me?

You're a Good Janet,
and we're in the Good Place.

I don't know who else it would mean.

Okay. No pressure.

I was born to do this... not born.

Okay, so I now know all the information

about the Good Place.

In a nutshell, it slaps.

First thing to tell you:

Humans can't see the
Good Place all at once

or their brains will be scrambled.

Cool, maybe I'll finally get

some of those squigglies on my brain.

Doctor said my brain's
as smooth as an egg.

You all need to wait out here
for a bit so you can adjust.

When you're ready, you will be honored

with a welcome gala

magically planned by the Good Place

based on your personalities.

Like the "targeted
Instagram ad" of parties!

You know, I bought the coolest sunglasses

from one of those ads.

Look.

Whoa.

It's like I'm inside the Internet.

Okay, can we just keep moving?

You look a little pale.
Did you get sick

from the hot air balloon?
I bet if you throw up

it'll just be butterflies or something.

I'm fine, I just um...

I don't belong here.

There's no telling what will happen

to a demon who steps foot in this place.

Promise me if I'm vaporized,
you guys just keep having fun.

Michael, relax.
We're in the Good... Place.

We're in the Good Place.

Yeah, man, be happy.

I mean, we were literally seconds away

from all of humanity being
zapped out of existence.

And now we're here, we're safe,

and we have forever.

You're right.

I'm here, and I have a mission;

To figure out my eternal purpose.

Oh my goodness, that chime

is so soothing, it feels like
my brain is being massaged by

- a baby deer?
- Oh, boy.

What if that's some sort of demon alarm

to alert the cops that I'm here?

You want me to hold your weed?

I don't have weed.

Oh... Wait a minute.

Oh, yeah, okay, now I do.

Take this.

They're ready for you to move inside,

The Good Place
Committee is waiting for us.

Oh, man. Look at this place!

Karlie Kloss did like me!

I knew it!

So about this party

is everyone in the Good Place invited?

Like, is Aristotle gonna be there?

Sorry, Chidi,
Aristotle's in the Bad Place.

He defended slavery.

- Socrates?
- No, too annoying.

Very loud chewer.

- Plato.
- Slavery again.

Oh, you know who is here?
Hypatia of Alexandria.

- Do you know her?
- Hypatia?

- Of Alexandria.
- That's right.

Uh, yeah, I know her.

Ooh, Hypatia!

I'm gonna ask her so many questions

pertaining to the grand
ideas about the universe,

like: "Why?"

Oh, oh, and also...

- "How?"
- Ooh.

Welcome to the Good Place, everyone.

Michael, so happy you made it.

You look radiant.

Your hair is the exact
color of fresh linens

at a coastal Hyatt.

You have the calming
yet authoritative presence

of a bomb-sniffing dog.

May I offer you a piece of
gum that tastes like everything

or a chair that feels like nothing?

No. We're wonderful.

Karlie Kloss liked me.

Everything is wonderful.

I'd just like to say, thank you so much

for letting me be here with my friends.

I know it's unorthodox
for someone like myself

to visit the Good Place,
but it's just so wonderful,

and I don't have any weed on me,
so no need for the cops.

Michael, Michael.

You and your friends are heroes.

And you're more than welcome here.

In fact, we have some very exciting news.

While the rest of you get settled in,

we want to give Michael
a swearing-in ceremony

so he can become an
official Good Place Architect.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Michael, please, follow us.

Holy fork, that is a soothing chime.

It really is the most incredible chime

I've ever heard,
and that is coming from someone

whose godfather is the most
famous clock in the world.

Is Big Ben somehow your godfather?

- Mm-hmm.
- That sound means

it's party time.

When you walk through,
the event space will transform

into a party perfectly
tailored to your essences.

Let's link arms and
walk through together.

- Weird...
- Whoa.

This is the Jacksonville
SuperSuites Hotel ballroom

where I had my prom
and also traffic court.

But this has to be my party, because

that's the bed pan that
Stone cold Steve Austin

used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!

It was a classic moment. Don't judge me.

I'm so sorry, guys.

The Good Place uses your life experiences

to plan the perfect party,

but it's only designed
for one person at a time.

When you walked in as a group,
it became...

A mishmash of all four of us.

It's perfect.

Um, no it's not, Eleanor,

because there's no go-kart
track and no monkeys.

No offense, but you're being
a real smooth brain right now.

See those Green Doors?

You can use them to
visit any time or place,

real or imagined.

Just think about where you wanna go,

and what you wanna do,
and walk on through.

So, one could walk amongst the dinosaurs,

or witness the very first
production of "Hamlet"

at the Globe Theater.

I'ma go Tokyo drift with monkeys!

See you in a thousand years!

Do you mind if I go find Hypatia?

I-I promise it's strictly platonic.

Technically Neoplatonic.

Whoops.

Forget I made that joke and come with me.

I'm so nervous to meet her,
and I need someone cool there

to change the subject
if I say something dumb.

Sure, give me one sec. Hey, Tahani.

This room is filled with some
of the most interesting people

that ever lived.

Chat them up, learn about their lives,

then... meet back here so
that we can make fun of them.

Eleanor Shellstrop.

I have been training
for this day my entire life.

I am so honored by this gesture.

This feels right.
This will be my new purpose.

Everything's falling into place.

Great, let's get to it.

Just put on this ceremonial robe.

Ha!

Boy,
do you have the shoulders for a robe.

- Oh.
- Just sign this scroll.

I've never signed my name before.

What signature type to choose?

A "Doctor blob," or no,

"Athlete who doesn't
really care about the kid."

Oh, wait, no.

"Middle school girl
with crush on Zac Efron."

That way,
I can put a little heart over the "I".

Perfect, and here is your official medal.

Now I know what Mary
Lou Retton feels like.

And great,
now you are officially in charge

of the Good Place.

I'm sorry. "In charge"?

Yup, you're the boss now.
That was all legally binding,

and we all quit, effective immediately.

That is irreversible,
so it's all your problem now.

Don't try to find us, no take-backs.

Okay, bye-bye!

Hurry up, move, move, go, go! Go, go!

Hello? Fellow Good Placemen?

Anyone in here?

"Ideas for improving the Good Place."

Oh... "music you can eat." Oh, boy.

"Giant mini doughnuts,
not just regular doughnuts.

Dave will explain."

Dave?

Can you explain?

Hi, are you, uh...

Are you... are you Hypatia Of Alexandria?

Yup, how's it hangin'?

It's hanging really well!

Um, I-I gotta say,

I was expecting you to be still,
you know, Ancient Greek.

Oh, well,
we sort of stay current in this place.

One of the big things
from Earth recently,

um, the Industrial Revolution,

the Manhattan Project, Gangam Style...

- I feel like I get it.
- It's really her.

I can just tell, somehow,
it's Hypatia of Alexandria.

I know, babe. Yes it is.

Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor.
This exuberant weirdo is Chidi.

We're new in town. First question:

How do you get the "of" in your name?

Is it just, like,
where you hung out the most?

Like, am I "Eleanor of the
Cheesecake Factory Bar"?

Also is it Hy-PAY-shuh, or Hy-PAT-ee-uh?

Or in the Ancient Greek,
"who-PUH-tee-uh?"

There's a lot of fun debate about this.

You know what, just call me Patty.

Okay, well, uh... Patty!

I'm a huge fan.

I mean,
y-you're a scholar and a mathematician

and arguably the first feminist.

I-I had a poster of you
on my wall in high school.

Actually, it was just a poster
of Trinity from "The Matrix,"

but that's how I imagined you would look

because you're so cool!

Oh,
is she the reason you got beat up so much?

- She's one of 'em.
- Wanna get a milkshake?

I haven't been around newbies in a while.

You're a little intense.
Let's get a milkshake.

Yeah, they make a milkshake here

that's made out of actual stardust.

- It's pretty good.
- Okay!

Yeah! Getting milkshakes with Patty.

Yeah.

But can I ask you a
couple of questions first?

Uh, you were a follower of Plotinus,

who claimed that contemplation
of our ultimate reality...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you... what's it called, um

a think-book-man?

No, um... a think-read-book-man.

- A philosopher, yes.
- Sorry!

It's been so long, my brain is foggy.

Listen carefully before I forget

how to say this:

You gotta help us, we are so screwed.

We are?

Hello.

I'm Tahani Al-Jamil.

I'm Paltibaal. Welcome to paradise.

So, what's your story?

Did you cure something,

or invent something?

I helped the poor in Ancient Phoenicia.

Excellent!

I once had a Soul Cycle
instructor named Phoenicia.

How did you die?

I got a cut on my hand.

The year was 2491 BC,
so that's pretty much all it took.

You got a cut,
or you drank water that wasn't hot enough,

and then boom, dead.

I would've killed for a vaccine.

Any vaccine.

It's crazy that you guys
just don't like them now.

So what's your favorite
part about living here?

I mean, it's perfect.

We're all having orgasms
literally all the time.

I died a virgin, so that's real crazy.

Okay.

It's so nice to get to work
alongside another Good Janet.

Yes, it is.

Janet, can I get a Coke?

No, a water.

No, a lamp.

No, a cat.

So, people just ask you for
things with no rhyme or reason?

Yes, and then I get them for them.

It's great.

Can I get a spaceship?

No, one huge Junior Mint.

No, a Coke.

Where are you from?

I don't know. I don't remember.

I've been having a chain
orgasm for nearly 2,000 years

and it's the only thing I know now.

I'm from London.

Wow, this milkshake is incredible.

- Right?
- Mmm!

This is how I spend most of my time.

Sitting in beautiful places,
drinking my milkshake,

slowly peeing into my pants,

which instantly evaporates
and leaves no trace.

- Sounds fun.
- Mm.

But didn't you want to tell
us how we're all screwed?

Ah! Damn it!

This is the exact problem!

On paper, this is paradise.

All your desires and needs are met,

but it's infinite,
and when perfection goes on forever,

you become this glassy-eyed mush person.

But... no!

Because...

No.

Because, Patty, no!

Yes, I'm telling you.
I used to be cool, man.

I studied so much things.

Art and music and the, um,

the one with the number piles?

Where I'd be like, "Two!"
and you'd be like, "Six!"

- Math?
- Yes!

And then I came here where
time stretched out forever,

and every second of my
existence was amazing,

but my brain became this big dumb blob.

So we finally make it
into the Good Place,

and now we're just gonna become zombies?

Why haven't you told anyone about this?

About what?

- Dude!
- Damn it!

We have to find the others. Right now.

Look, there's math on my shirt.

- Come on!
- Is it an "S" or a math?

Have you seen Eleanor and Chidi?

There's something very
wrong with this party,

and it's not just that the caviar

is being served on top of Jell-O shots.

We are the first new
people here in 500 years,

and no one seems to care.

I know,
even the Good Janets are kind of weird.

They're like, "Hi, there!"

When I do it, it's cool,
but when they do it, it's lame.

Hey, guys. Having fun?

Great. So, little update.

Um, the Good Place is a disaster.

Everyone here is a happiness zombie,

and no one is doing anything about it,

because by the time
they realize it's happening,

everyone is too far gone to care.

Oh, dear.

Oh, hello, I'm Tahani.

Hi, I'm milkshake.
Do you want a milkshake?

Okay, we need to tell someone

before we're too zonked out
to remember why we're here.

- We need to find the Committee.
- The committee is me.

I am committee. It me.

- What?
- They tricked me.

And put me in charge of the Good Place

and then literally ran away.

And then what happened?

The sorting hat put you in Hufflepuff?

Roasted.

Come on, I know we have problems.

You can't expect me to ignore this.

Hang on, we're in paradise.

Surely,
some people here are enjoying themselves.

Hey, guys. I'm back.

Go-karting with monkeys
got boring really fast.

It did?

- Oh, no.
- Damn it.

Whose office is this?

I guess it's mine,

since I'm in charge of this place now.

Oh, man, I'm in charge of this place now?

That's so bad.

Jason,
your lifelong dream got old that quickly?

I mean,
monkeys and go-karts was fun for a while,

then I was like, "Oh,
you know what'd be cool?

Hippos in go-karts."

And I was like, yo,

"What about Draculas with jetpacks?"

I did like 50 combos,
and then I just kind of wanted

to hang out with you guys again.

Okay, that's it in a nutshell.

'Cause you get here and you realize

that anything's possible,

and you do everything,
and then you're done.

But you still have infinity left.

This place kills fun, and passion,

and excitement, and love,

till all you have left are milkshakes.

The Good Place committee
obviously knew about this.

Why didn't they try and solve it?

They did. They tried everything.

Just last week,
they made the unicorns bigger,

and then they gave them more horns,

and then they made them chubbier.

I mean, really, they just made
a bunch of weird fluffy rhinos.

The Committee members aren't human,

so they couldn't understand the problem.

The second I showed up,

they jumped off this sinking
ship and made me captain.

Well, I'm not giving up.

We worked too hard and
went through too much.

And I'm not just gonna
sit back and turn into some

slack-jawed sweatpant-wearing
orgasm machine.

Oh, my God, I'm describing
my dream existence like it's bad.

What is wrong with this place?

We just redesigned this system,

and soon millions of people
are going to start pouring in

thinking they're in paradise,
only to become a joyless husk.

It's Coachella.

We've invented Cosmic Coachella.

Oh, we have to fix this.

What if we do what I did to you

in the original Neighborhood?

Erase their memory every once in a while?

That way,
paradise would seem fresh and new.

You were doing that to torture us.

Actual paradise can't use
the same playbook as hell.

Okay, well, I have a solution.

Remember what I said to you
when you were going through

your "midlife crisis, one earring,

red convertible" phase?

- "You look so stupid."
- After that.

You said that every human
is a little bit sad all the time,

because you know you're gonna die.

But that knowledge is
what gives life meaning.

The way to restore meaning
to the people in the Good Place

is to let them leave.

Leave? And go where?

This is the last...

Oh.

Can we just do that?

You're the head of the Good Place now.

Seems to me,
you can do whatever you want.

Where's Michael?

Okay.

Nothing to do but
announce the big change.

Whatever happens, it's cool, my babies.

It's very cool.

Did you smoke that weed, bud?

I did.

I was kind of freaked out,

so I smoked some grass,
but now I'm great.

Let's change the afterlife,
and then Taco Bell.

All right.

Oh!

Baby!

Okay. I'm gonna do the talking.

Hi, everyone,
can I have your attention, please?

Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop.

Hope you're having fun

at our Flor-izona British
library extravaganza.

I guess you don't really
have fun anywhere,

which is the point.

It doesn't seem like
this is paradise for you.

You've basically been on
a never-ending vacation,

and vacations are only
special because they end.

So we have an idea.

We're gonna set up a new kind of door.

Um, somewhere peaceful,
so that when you feel happy

and satisfied and complete,

and you want to leave
the Good Place for good,

you can just walk through it,

and your time in the universe will end.

You don't have to go
through it if you don't want to,

but you can, and hopefully,

knowing that you don't
have to be here forever

will help you feel happier while you are.

What will happen when we go through it?

Well, we don't really know, exactly.

All we know is, it will be peaceful,

and your journey will be over.

You led great lives.

You earned your place here.

So stay here as long as you like.

Use the Green Doors to
see and do every single thing

you want to see and do.

And when you're ready...
walk through one last door,

and be at peace.

Does that sound good?

Seems like they're into it.

It's DJ Music, make some noise!

That's my boyfriend!

I'm glad you'll be able
to enjoy things again.

Art, math, philosophy, like you used to.

Yeah, me too.

I've been dreaming of ending the ennui

of this eternal
existence for a long time,

but now I think I'll
stick around for a while.

It felt good to, uh... make brain words.

Still mushy. I'll get it back.

We're lucky we ran into you. It saved us.

That's not what saved you.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- It was your friendships.
- Yeah, I know, I got it.

Oh. Sorry.

Still not sharp.

Go, Michael! Go!

...what it looks like inside of me.

- Hey-o!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Skol!

Dang, that was the best set I ever DJ'd.

- Mm-hmm.
- No.

The Daytona Beach dog
mayor's impeachment party.

- Yeah.
- Worse.

- Nah, this one.
- Yeah.

I thought I would be glad
to be back where I belong,

but I'm really just glad
to be with all of you.

Ah.

You were my home all along.

- Janet.
- Oh, I'm human enough

to spout platitudes... amazing.

I was thinking about that, actually,

and most people arrive here alone,

they get swept up in
this haze of perfection.

We had each other to rely on.

This whole party is a symbol

of how we got through this,

from the caviar Jell-O shots
to this bookmark thong thing.

What is this?

I'll actually use this!

Not sure for which function,
but one of them.

Just when I thought books
couldn't get any sexier.

Kept most of it the same.

Even made myself a office nearby.

Jason, I-I...

Kind of took a wild guess.

I finally get to accomplish my goal

of living in a Stupid Nick's!

I know anything you do
for eternity gets boring,

but I swear I will
never get sick of wings!

Well, I'll see you all tomorrow.

And every tomorrow after that.

You know, Michael, at the end of the day,

you were right.

Everything is fine.

Hmm.

This is what we've been looking for

since the day we met.

Time.

I think that's what the
Good Place really is.

It's... not even a place,

really, it's just

having enough time
with the people you love.

You're right.

And we have as long as we want.

If you keep hogging this blanket,

I'm probably gonna walk through that door

in, like, three days, so...

I'll miss you.