Original subtitles

Oh, Janet, you disappoint me.

I expected more of a fight from you.

Yet here you are, all alone in the Bad Place,

rendered powerless by a measly magnet jail.

It's okay, I guess.

What is the issue now? Hmm?

That's not how Michael laughs.

It's more of a delighted giggle.

She's right.

You need to nail his subtleties and mannerisms

for this to properly work as torture.

My problem with the role is

that I haven't fully figured out Michael's motivation yet.

Like I'm inside Michael, but I need to be inside Michael.

Hmm, you know, it actually feels more like torture

when you discuss your "acting process."

You know what? You don't get it.

If you really want to know Michael's motivation,

it's the same as the rest of my friends...

Loyalty, empathy, and love.

Eww.

And that's why they will prevail.

I hate to break it to you, hon.

They're not gonna prevail.

No one's coming to save you!

Oof, getting colder.

I know! I could feel it.

You know, it was wrong.

I'm just... I'm in my head now.

Hey, Mikey, I have a question about our plan to save Janet.

Is there it yet?

I do have a plan, yes.

But to be honest, I have no idea if it will work.

Maybe Glenn could help.

Yo, Glenn, how should we rescue Janet?

He doesn't know.

Listen, Jason, old friend,

I already gave Eleanor and Tahani

all their afterlife memories back.

I haven't restored yours for obvious reasons.

But I think to maximize our chances of survival,

it's time that you remember everything we've been through.

Now prepare yourself. This might be intense.

Oh, dip!

Do you remember everything?

Yes, last time I was in the Bad Place,

I threw a Molotov cocktail.

That was sick.

I was afraid that you'd watch 300 years of memories

and that would be your takeaway.

Buddy, I did that to help you know what not to do.

Impulse control is critical.

Fight the urge to blow stuff up,

even if you feel like we're in a jam.

Got it?

I mean, that's very lame, but yeah.

I understand.

Wait, can I have all my memories back again?

I forgot most of them.

Welcome, everyone.

Janet will be unavailable for a bit.

She's undergoing some routine system maintenance.

Oh, I know what that means.

Eye lift. Maybe an ear tuck.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm? Mm.

When we don't have Janet,

we like to refresh your memories of your old lives

when you did things for yourselves.

We call it Earth Day.

And yes, we know that's a thing on Earth,

but what are they gonna do?

Sue us?

So get ready for some fun, lo-fi activities.

This group over here is gonna knit.

You folks are gonna do your favorite activity...

Gardening.

Oh, man, we better get something better than that.

And you five are going to a gorgeous remote lake house.

Swimming, water skiing, the works.

Suck it, gardeners!

Why do I feel like that's not the first time

he's screamed those words?

Ugh. Get me down from here, you tiny butthole.

Ow!

Thank you for keeping me safe

from my sexy bad girl sister-aunt.

Eww.

I know that I've caused you a lot of trouble in the past...

Classic Derek...

But from now on, I'm here to help.

I'd feel a lot more confident if you weren't holding

a champagne glass full of Scrabble letters,

but you're all we got.

You can keep the neighborhood running, right?

Well, I wasn't technically designed for this,

but to be fair, I wasn't designed for anything.

Okay? It's gonna be tough.

But so far so Derek, right?

Clouds, Derek.

Ground, very Derek.

Everything seems to be going...

Derek?

How dare you, madam?

Just try and keep it together.

You try and keep it together.

We're gonna take the humans far away

from the center of town and help lighten your load.

Great. That would be really great.

- Okay. - Okay.

All right, babe, it's go time. You ready?

Absolutely.

I feel very confident with you in charge.

In the words of my godfather,

acting in what can only be described in hindsight

as his most problematic role, "You da man now, dog!"

As always, thank you for finding the quickest

possible way to say things.

Now head off to the lake house,

and do your fabulous Tahani hostess thing.

Actually, uh, now that you bring it up,

Michael and Jason are rescuing Janet,

and you're running things here.

Even Derek has an important job.

I'd like to be more useful.

What is it that you Americans say?

Uh, insert me, coachman!

Put me in, coach.

Babe, we need these humans

to stay happy and occupied, all right?

So just pump 'em full of champagne

and those tiny little sandwiches,

and keep 'em dazzled.

Of course, though I'd never serve

finger sandwiches at a lake house.

I mean, what am I? Welsh?

Are you? I don't know.

No, right?

So this is the Bad Place, huh?

Not bad.

No, it is. It's very bad.

Okay, we have to move quietly.

We can't be seen by anyone until we get to Shawn.

It's the only way to rescue Janet.

Uh, Michael? I'm scared.

Me too, bud.

I mean, what if all this time apart

has changed me and Janet's relationship?

What if that special connection is gone?

Yeah.

I mean, for me, it's scary that we're standing

in the birth place of evil

surrounded by billions of demons

who want to destroy us.

Hmm, I guess we both have things we're scared about.

What do we do with Glenn?

Just leave him here.

Hope no stray dogs come by and drink him up.

Hello, all!

I took the liberty of preparing a few simple snacks.

Whew, this place is nice!

Did anyone else see that movie "The Lake House"

with Keanu and Sandy B?

Oh, I love a movie with gentle magic.

Give me a time-traveling mailbox

or a mother-daughter body switch,

or like, uh, Sarah Michelle Gellar as a chef

and her food tastes amazing because she cries in it?

I should've been a screenwriter.

Yeah, this'll do. I guess.

I got dibs on the master bedroom.

Um, Simone, where's Chidi?

He decided to just stay at home and read.

He said swimming in lakes scares him.

To be fair, most things scare him.

Well, never fear,

you all stay and enjoy the full-sized sandwiches.

I shall go and fetch Chidi.

Tahani is on the job.

Perv 'stache, four-eyes, bee monster.

Whoa, is that you?

Technically, yes.

That's a version of me I no longer recognize.

Behind that handsome smile was so much cruelty,

so much pain inflicted on so many

with such a glee.

Shameful.

What echoes of this former self await me here?

I feel you.

It was always for me hard to go back to my old high school.

So many memories.

Also the junkyard machine crushed it into tiny cubes.

If we get out of here alive,

remind me to re-erase your teen years.

Come on, guys. Hurry back.

Oh, hey, Wanda.

Everything okay?

Barg-de-barg-de-barg-de-barg.

Come again?

Whoa.

Barg-de-barg-de-barg-de-barg.

- Derek! - Oh, hey!

So, uh, things are not going well.

- Hi, there. - Hi, there!

You said you could handle this!

Yeah, well, it turns out being a single father

to 300 kids is not that easy, Eleanor.

Okay, well, the four humans are still at the lake house.

So we can figure this out.

- Oh. - What are you doing here?

I came to get Chidi. He decided to stay home.

Chidi's up there? Right now?

Oh, Chidi. There you are.

I'm sorry. I should've told you.

I decided to just stay home and read.

Swimming in lakes scares me, and so does water skiing.

We know all that, Chidi.

We never expected you to meet the group at the lake house.

We had a special solo activity planned for you.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

What is it?

We have hidden several clues in this apartment to a puzzle.

Ooh! I love puzzles!

They're so much fun, but they're also like homework.

Win-win.

Well, this one's a doozy because when you solve it,

you get the answer to the truth about the universe.

Spoiler alert, I guess.

Hey, Tahani, since Chidi's off and running,

what do you say you head back to the lake house?

Perhaps I should stay and help with the clues.

Oh, you've done so much helping already.

Plus everyone's back at the lake house

with no party hostess,

which is obviously less than ideal.

Right? So go on. Get!

- Of course. - Yep.

- Good luck, Chidi. - Okay.

So what's my first clue?

You've already gotten it.

Ooh!

Lot of memories in this room.

My old improv team,

Laughistopheles, used to perform here.

Man, we were so unfunny.

This is hour 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation

on the future of torture.

Before I start,

I just want to commend everyone here

on the collective B.O.

and coffee breath in this room right now.

Give yourselves a hand.

He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours?

- Shh. - Here's what I think.

We should throw a Molotov... Jason!

What? I didn't say cocktail.

I could've meant Molotov anything.

- You don't know. - Just trust me.

I have a plan.

Humans are worse than ever. We have to innovate.

Sure, poking sticks work great,

but should those sticks be sharper or hotter?

Should they, counterintuitively,

be less hot?

Let's begin with slide number one of 7,000.

Nice speech. Not!

What's up, dingus?

Oh, no. Oh, that's not good.

Oh, what are you guys... oh, no!

Don't do that! That's not Derek!

Derek.

I'm going back to the lake house to entertain

because apparently that's all I'm good for.

- Okay. - Gonna need some

party supplies... cocktail napkins

with a cute lake-related slogan.

Maybe they can say, "Better lake than never."

I'm sorry.

I just got nothing left in the tank.

Derek, when you get rebooted,

you become more advanced, right?

- Yeah. - Well, perhaps then

you'd be more capable of controlling the neighborhood

Hey, yeah, yeah!

You said you wanted to make this up to us.

Well, now is your chance.

- Yes! - Yes!

Derek!

What are you doing here, Vicky?

You're early, and do you ever take that suit off?

- It smells terrible. - It does?

No need to be alarmed.

I know this might look like Michael,

the traitorous slam pig.

However, this is actually our very own Vicky

wearing the latest in demon technology.

A custom-made lookalike skin suit.

Spin around for us, would you, hon?

As you are all aware,

our current system suffers from diminishing returns.

Sure, the first time someone gets butthole spiders,

he's miserable,

but soon the humans get used to it.

And worse, the spiders get bored.

- Yeah. - These personalized skin suits

represent the dawn of a new era: Torture 2.0.

Oh.

And speaking of which,

I figured DemonCon would be the best place to surprise you

with my greatest invention.

Come on out, Jason!

I had the boys down in R&D make a Jason suit.

I thought it'd be fun new way to torture Janet.

Come on. Come on.

- Here you go. - I didn't okay this.

I know, but hey, I'm Vicky.

I'm a total munch.

That you are. Good point.

Hmm.

Not bad.

They went a little overboard on the cheekbones, but still.

Wait, who's in there?

- Glenn. - Makes sense.

Get an idiot to play an idiot.

I was beginning to wonder where you were, Glenn.

I'm right here in Jason.

Definitely not a big bucket of goo.

Okay. Say, boss,

what do you say we put these innovative suits

of yours to work?

We'll go torture Good Janet,

and, uh, let you know how it goes.

Which way is it again?

Wait. I have a better idea.

I say we torture Good Janet right here, right now

live on stage.

Rufus, go get the Good Janet.

This part of your plan seems risky.

This was not part of my plan.

Oh, thank God. I thought you had a bad plan.

Okay, it's easy.

Just hit the button.

You've seen Mindy do it a million times.

Yeah. Here we go.

No, no, no!

Don't kill me, me. Don't do it!

Huh.

Now why is that so hard?

I kinda... you know what?

I see what I gotta do.

Just kind of look at this...

Derek!

Excellent.

What's up, dude?

Eleanor, I have really made love to the Queen's corgi.

Royally screwed the pooch?

I convinced Derek to reboot himself

because I thought he'd come back smarter and more powerful,

but instead, he's gone, and the Janet babies have...

- What? - Look.

What were you thinking?

I just wanted to be useful.

All I ever get to do here is throw parties,

which is all I ever got to do back on Earth.

Now I've ruined everything.

No. You gave us a way out.

So I fixed everything.

No, you've made things difficult in a new way,

but I can make it work.

Well, the important thing is, I did something.

Be quiet and follow my lead.

- Yes, ma'am. - Chidi?

Come on out, bud.

Okay! Am I close?

No, there's like 4,000 clues in here.

You found five. I'm just gonna skip to the end.

This puzzle was going to take you

on adventures all over the neighborhood.

Horseback riding, hot air ballooning,

and I asked Tahani to be involved

because she did all those things on Earth.

You've been in paradise for a month,

and you're still so reluctant to try new activities.

Yeah, I know.

I'm just not a "new experience" kind of guy.

I mean, my comfort zone is basically, like, that chair,

and honestly, the arms are a little sharp.

I want you to believe that you're safe here,

that you can trust me.

Do you trust me, Chidi?

Yes. I really do.

Then come with me.

These personalized skin suits are a true game changer.

Imagine being able to torment a human not as yourself,

but as their wife or ex-wife,

or just some mouthy broad.

They are so convincing, they even work on a Good Janet!

Oh. Hey!

Great, more Vicky.

Hey, your Michael impression stinks

almost as much as your suit. Pfft.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

Welcome, Janet. We have a special guest for you today.

Hi, Janet, it's me. Jason.

Your boyfriend. I really miss you.

I know we were in a fight before,

but I hope you've forgiven me because I love you, girl.

Not a girl.

- Well, Janet... - Yeah?

How does that make you feel?

Terrible!

Adequate work, Glenn.

Rufus, take the Janet back to her cell.

- No, no, no. - Oh, no, please.

Uh, let us take Janet back ourselves.

I wanna get a little extra

torture time in on the way there.

I don't see why not.

Hello, dummies! It's me, Michael!

I'm just kidding.

It's me, Vicky, in a Michael suit.

What's going on here?

I was never told that I had an understudy.

There you go, buddy. You're doing great.

Where are we going?

Um, somewhere fun. Just follow my voice.

Oh.

This is, uh, kind of fun.

I'm very scared, but also I like it?

- Hi, there. - Hi, whoever you are.

Uh, don't mind us. We're just doing a trust thing.

Hi, there.

What was that sound?

- Uh, a unicorn died. - What?

No, I mean, not a unicorn. Uh, my mistake.

Just a... a regular horse that someone stabbed in the head.

What?

What in the name of Kevin Spacey's self-made

Christmas Eve video message to try to get back

on "House of Cards" is going on here?

- Michael. - Who are you?

You had this the whole time?

Yeah, I wanted to explode a bunch of demons,

but you told me I should wait.

- So I did. - Vicky!

Why did you build a second Michael suit?

He didn't! No, I mean, I didn't.

Um, oh, look.

It can't be.

Yes, it's true.

It's me. The real Michael.

We know all about your plot to sabotage our experiment.

We know you brought Chris in to pretend to be Linda

to distract us while you planted a Bad Janet

to pretend to be a Good Janet.

No, stop clapping! This is real!

- Someone capture them. - Rufus, I'm warning you.

I know we go way back. We used to be roommates.

But if you take another step,

I will use this Demon Exploder on you.

A Demon Exploder? Come on, man.

At least try to make that sound convincing.

Wow.

Touché.

I used to be just like all of you.

I sat right where you're sitting

at more than 10,000 DemonCons,

and I believed that we committed torture

as a part of the moral balance of the universe,

but I've learned that's wrong.

Humans are capable of self-improvement,

and so are we.

And down deep, Shawn knows this is true too.

I beg you. Open your eyes to the truth.

Bravo, Michael. What a monologue.

Not!

I'm not scared of you

because I've gone there, Michael.

I've become you.

You may act like you've changed,

but deep down, you're still a demon.

Vile, ugly, capable of so much darkness.

And now you're home.

Oh, come on!

Let's go. Come on.

- Let's go! - No, you morons!

Stop applauding them! They're getting away!

I swear, the production value at DemonCon

gets better every year.

Man, look at this house, and that beautiful lake.

I can't believe I almost missed all this.

Is this the answer to the truth about the universe?

- Well... - Uh, part of it.

Ooh!

The puzzle continues!

Hey, you decided to come after all.

I did.

Thanks to Eleanor and Tahani.

Aw, you two are the best.

That was insane, but we got through it together.

No, we didn't.

You got through it.

I almost ruined it a hundred times.

From now on, I'm just gonna stick to throwing parties

'cause it's the only thing I'm good at.

- Hey! - What?

When I said throw a party, I didn't mean a pity party.

This isn't a pity party. I'm genuinely sad.

The only thing I can do is throw pointless parties.

You run the entire neighborhood.

You're so capable.

I have seen you get stuck in any manner of crazy situation,

and you always figure a way out.

Yeah, man, because I have had to scrape

and claw my way through life,

and you grew up in a castle

full of diamond lamps and golden pillow cases.

You never learned how to think on your feet.

Look, if the roles were reversed

and I had to throw a fancy party to save all of humanity,

I promise we'd be screwed

because I wouldn't know what salad fork

to put next to the... whatever spoon.

The Whatever Spoon is really only used

for certain festive jellies.

See?

Babe, the dodos in that house

are literally the four most important human beings

in the universe.

I wanted you to take care of them because I trust you.

Plus, your parties aren't pointless.

They're opportunities for them to bond and form friendships.

You know, the thing we need them to do

so we're not all tortured forever?

You're right, and thank you.

But if we ever get through this,

I want to learn how to do something meaningful.

A real skill.

Something helpful and fulfilling.

Okay, man, if we survive this,

I promise I will support you

while you learn to weld or whatever.

Deal?

Deal.

That ought to stop them from following us.

So smart.

Nice to have you back, Janet.

It must've been hard for you to go back there.

It was.

I don't like thinking about who I used to be.

I suppose it's good to confront it, though;

Remind me how far I've come.

I don't know if either of you will ever have the chance

to blow up an evil version of yourselves,

but if you do,

take it.

It's very cathartic.

Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty

about bad things you used to do,

but you don't have to feel shame about who you were

because you're not a demon anymore.

You're just like a nice, weird, happy old dude.

Ah.

Thanks for rescuing me.

I missed you so much.

I missed you too.

Bad Janet was so mean to me.

She told me so many lies.

Like she said the Jags cut Blake Bortles.

Can you believe that?

Oh, no. Jason, that wasn't a lie.

Blake Bortles was cut by the Jaguars.

What?

How? Why?

Who's their QB now?

A man named Nick Foles.

Nick Foles? Are you kidding me?

He won a Super Bowl!

We're gonna be unstoppable!

Foles!

- Foles! - Foles!

Oh, no. Nick Foles just broke his clavicle.

Nooo!