Original subtitles

Michael designs the new neighborhood.

The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans.

The other residents will be Janet Babies.

You know, if we pooled our resources,

we could be done in two shakes of a lamb's Derek.

Thanks, Derek.

When you fail, the four humans

will be tortured for all eternity.

But guess who's going to be doing the torturing?

We built a Michael suit.

I can't do it. It's too scary.

- Hi, John, I'm the Architect. Come on in.

The Bad Place didn't pick the worst people.

They picked the people who would be the worst for us.

You need to erase my memory and reboot me.

Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor. Come on in.

Wow! Just... wow!

It's perfect. Everything is just perfect.

I am so, so happy.

I'm glad you like it.

It's so quaint... it feels cozy,

but also vibrant and limitless.

I can't believe how... How utterly, completely,

100% perfect everything is...

You know, let's keep this moving.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Here is your new home,

complete with two of your favorite things:

Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and...

Reading lights! I love reading lights.

They are great for reading.

Your magic philosophy library

contains every text ever written,

from Aristotle to Zeno.

And, oh, check this out. Um, hold out your hand.

And think about a book.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer.

This is literally my number one dream.

Also... ow!

That hurt.

Well, I have a lot to attend to.

Um... welcome to the Good Place, Chidi.

Thank you so much. Ah... and I'm... I'm sorry.

This has been so overwhelming, I-I forgot your name.

- Eleanor. - Eleanor, right.

Sorry. Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.

- Now I'll never forget. - Well, you might!

Okay, can we not...

Oh, Eleanor, you did a brave thing

and I am embracing you and I shall not let you go.

And I'm also embracing you

because this feels warm and my hands are cold.

Guys, I'm good. Honestly.

Wasn't even as bad as I thought.

I mean, who cares if he doesn't remember my name?

Oof... I mean, cool.

Good save, bud.

Let's just concentrate on the next resident,

who gets here in... six minutes.

Wait. I need to say something.

I know this seems bleak

and it feels like we're all doomed

and therefore humanity is doomed.

You needed to say that?

The point is, I believe that we're destined to succeed.

There is nothing that the Bad Place can throw at us

that we can't handle, because we are an incredible,

inspiring, brilliant group of...

Supercharged, d-bag, ass-wiping maniacs.

I mean, look at you.

I am so proud

of how disgusting and cruel you all are.

You suck.

You all suck donkey butts.

Tahani... so, so smart, and sophisticated.

She was the only one who was able to talk me

out of that goatee.

Well, I lost that battle with Robert Downey Jr.,

and I'll be damned if I lose it with you.

Bambadjan... such an unbelievable dingus.

- Aww, thanks, boss. - And Val.

Who's a bigger skid mark than Val?

Maybe your mom.

Classic.

We have Janet,

who can do literally anything.

She made all the other people in the neighborhood.

- Not people. - We have me,

who had a momentary setback, but I'm feeling great now.

And that was a while ago.

Most of you don't even remember it, probably.

We have Jason,

who can...

And marching us into battle,

our fearless leader, the pride of Phoenix, Arizona,

Eleanor Shellstrop!

- Yay, Eleanor! - Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Technically, the pride of Phoenix

is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper

made from cigarette butts.

It's outside City Hall.

But thank you for the kind words.

With this team,

there's no problem we can't solve.

There is no problem we can't create.

And believe me, we are gonna create some a-problems.

So let's kick things off with our official Bad Place song.

♪ 1-877-KARS for Kids ♪

♪ K-A-R-S, Kars for Kids ♪

- Ooh, are we singing? - Shut up, Glenn.

I think you look great.

Professional, serious.

A proper team leader.

It does make me feel authoritative,

like that chick from "Law and Order."

Well, boys,

looks like we got ourselves an SVU.

I've never seen the show.

Okay, who we got next?

Linda? Come on in.

So you, Linda Johannsen,

are in the Good Place.

That's nice.

I know this can be a little overwhelming,

but you'll get used to it.

Do you have any questions?

Is there a fitness center?

There can be,

plus literally anything else

you could possibly wish for.

Just in case we weren't clear,

this is the Good Place.

A state of eternal happiness.

Paradise.

That's nice.

I like that.

So the Bad Place sent Simone to mess with Chidi,

John to mess with Tahani... Do you think they sent Linda

to mess with Jason? She's from Norway...

Is Norway, like, the opposite of Florida?

All I know is she's boring.

She makes Neutral Janet

look like Disco Janet.

Disco Janet was around for a while, years ago.

She was great.

I mean, she was a lot,

but she was fun.

Actually, that's a good idea.

Let's unload this dead weight.

Janet?

- Hi, there. - Linda, this is Janet.

If you want anything at all, Janet can bring it to you.

Watch.

Janet, can I have a baby elephant

made of pure light

that tells you true secrets about the universe?

Shirley Temple killed JFK.

See? Anything you want from Janet?

Can I have

a peppermint?

Sure.

I'm gonna go over there now.

Stonehenge was a sex thing.

Brent? Come on in.

So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.

Dead? Really?

Well, that blows.

Ah, you know what, maybe it's a good thing, actually.

Some journalist was poking around,

calling all these ladies who used to work for me.

You can't even make a joke these days!

Everything is so PC.

And I was an equal-opportunity offender, okay?

I made jokes about everybody, and by the way,

I'm the furthest thing from racist.

My dentist was a black woman.

I just think people need to loosen up.

So, where am I, exactly?

- The Good Place. - Oh, cool.

Good.

So, Brent, I see from your file

you were in the materials business.

Oh, yeah, big time.

Strings, chords, vinyl, synthetics, rubber...

We do vulcanized now, so that's huge.

Plus metals... aluminum, brass, copper... what else...

- Steel? - No, not steel.

Steel's a sucker's game.

Polymers, coatings, internals...

You crack open an HVAC?

That is all us.

Is there golf here? There freaking better be.

Okay, well, why don't you explore around a bit

while I go far away and if you need anything,

you can always ask Janet.

Janet?

Hi, there. How can I help you?

Oh, a secretary. Great.

- Not a secretary. - Fine, fine.

Executive assistant.

Here we go with all the terms we gotta learn, right?

Vice-president of helping. Captain Marvel.

- You know what I'm saying. - Oh, I'm not part of this.

Let me show you around.

Well, Linda must be here for Jason because

Brent is definitely here to annoy the fork out of me.

Everyone, you may remember Matt from accounting.

Used to be in charge of the Weird Sex Things Department.

Now the Judge has assigned him to our project.

And I am thrilled to be here.

I mean, the things I had to read about...

The things people put in other things...

So I'll be monitoring the four new humans.

A modified point system will be applied to their actions

for the next year, and then we'll know how much

better or worse their behavior is

than when they were alive.

But no one will be able to see what's happening

in real time.

Good luck saving humanity

from eternal doom.

Okay, forget about all that stuff.

For this first week, all we need to do is figure out

what the fork is up with these benches.

So, I made this.

We start 'em out on this side,

because we're like, "What's her deal?"

And when we feel we have a handle on who they are,

what makes them tick, we move them to this side...

Party time.

We already know a lot about Simone

so

Boom, see?

One down, three to go.

Let's go figure out the others.

We can do this. On three.

Dead eyes, eat hearts, can't lose.

Ah, sorry. Old Bad Place rally cry.

Aww, aww.

Janet! He's walking around again.

Yeah, I see that. Derek, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to stay at Mindy's.

I can't help it.

I'm just such a proud daddy Derek.

I mean, will you look at

all these beautiful babies that we made?

She made them, dude. You barely did anything.

Probably just, like, made all the butts.

I did make all the butts. I made that butt...

- I made that butt... - Right.

I made both those butts.

Derek, you have to stay at Mindy's house.

What if one of our new humans sees you and starts

asking questions about the weirdo in the tux?

Say no more.

I shall remove myself forthwith,

with my pickled potable.

But before I leave,

can I have a hug in celebration of everything that we created?

- Okay. - Aww.

That feels so... Derek.

Oh.

You are all, simply put, good people.

The point of the video is to make them all confront

what kind of people they were on earth.

Keep a close eye on our four subjects.

Try to gauge their reactions, you know?

The subtlest glances, the tiniest flinches.

What about shaking someone by the head?

- What does that mean? - Oh, boy.

Hey, Simone,

everything okay?

Yeah, well, no... well, actually, it doesn't matter.

None of this is real.

Sorry?

I'm a neuroscientist,

so I get what's going on here.

You know, clearly, I was in some kind of horrible accident,

I'm on my deathbed, and this entire thing

is just a hallucination constructed by my damaged brain

as it slowly shuts down.

It's not real, so I'm just gonna wander around

until I wake up or die.

See you later, figments of my imagination!

She's just gonna go get some popcorn

from the... river.

There's a popcorn river.

I'll show you guys later.

Uh, she said keep going without her, so let's roll it.

Janet, make a popcorn river.

Everyone else, meet at Mindy's in ten minutes.

Well... we're off to a fantastic start.

I told the other humans that adjusting to the afterlife

was tricky, blah, blah, blah.

Seemed like they bought it.

What if Simone is right, though?

What if we are just Thin Mints of her imagination?

Jason, remember you're a monk.

Even here where no one can see?

Mm-hmm, sometimes, yeah.

I wish I could stay and help,

but this system is so complex

that if I lose concentration for even one billionth

of a second, the entire neighborhood

could collapse in on itself like a dying star.

Also, Brent wants a BLT.

Simone's reaction is fairly common.

When I worked in the Bad Place, some people just wouldn't

believe it when they heard they were dead.

How did you convince them?

They'd usually come around

by the third or fourth day of mouth fleas.

Obviously not an option here.

But, if Simone doesn't think this is real,

she definitely won't become a better person.

Who can convince her that this actually is the afterlife?

We need someone authoritative and reassuring,

like... Nelson Mandela or Sir Patrick Stewart

or Arianna Huffington.

Really any of my old racquetball partners would do.

Oh, I know who it should be.

If you say Blake Bortles,

I'm gonna slap you a lot.

Chidi!

I believe everything Chidi ever tells me

because of his brain and how he looks

like one of those owls that graduated from college.

Of course.

Time to activate our ethical sleeper agent

and introduce him to Simone.

Eh, I don't know, Simone isn't struggling

with a philosophy problem.

She's just, you know, like... being silly.

I'll talk to her.

Tahani, I need your advice.

Derek is trying to move in on Janet.

I can just feel it.

Jason, Janet might not have

as much time for you as she used to,

but your relationship's on solid ground.

What do Janet and Derek have in common anyway?

I mean, she did create him out of the essence of herself.

Okay, fine, they share one thing.

Everything.

But if Derek is trying to get under your skin,

you just have to rise above it.

All my favorite things rise above other things,

like private airships

or my own head.

Look, I know this can be disorienting.

Okay, one moment, you're on Earth, alive,

eating queso like it's soup

and trying to guess your neighbor's Wi-Fi password,

and the next, you're here...

Your face feels so much like a face.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Look, I wasn't a particularly religious person,

but... this just doesn't feel like heaven.

It's much more likely that I'm in a coma,

and my brain has invented all this.

Like the flowers.

Those are probably just the "get well" flowers

in my hospital room.

Man, I was popular.

Well, I can promise you the Good Place is real.

Think about what I said.

And in the meantime, there's a fun welcome party tonight.

Dress up.

Have Janet make you whatever outfit you'd like.

Eleanor!

Look what my brain did!

It's not real and neither are you.

♪ I'm in a coma and none of this is real ♪

Okay, I know this is bad and we need a new approach,

but... she is wearing the hell out of those foam fingers.

Roo-da-toot-toot

Dude! Janet told you to stay at Mindy's.

I know, I just came to mix myself a Derek,

and then I'll be on my way.

Before you leave, I want to call a truce.

Derek?

Feel like you're trying to get under my skin, but it's okay.

I've decided to rise above it.

Well spoken, Mr. Mendoza.

Let me say in response...

I will

destroy you.

Janet is, and always will be,

my mommy-girlfriend.

You have crossed the Rubicon now, pal.

Mmm...

Okay, status report.

What have we learned about Linda?

Little, I'm afraid... I tried talking to her,

but it was the dullest conversation I have ever had,

and this is coming from someone who once split a Xanax

with Peter Sarsgaard.

Frankly, I'm glad she's boring.

We have enough to worry about. How is Brent doing?

- About the same, I'd say. - Princeton.

Graduated in the top half of the bottom half of my class.

Rowing team, sailing team, class president.

I hung out with all those guys.

Okay, and John, our favorite gossip columnist?

Luckily, before I died, I pumped my face

with six vials of Juvederm.

I'm hoping that my corpse

looks like a waxed tile floor.

My ex-boyf is going to be supes jel.

Okay, well, I'm gonna do a loop.

Trying to see who gets me.

Our biggest liability right now is Simone.

Let's try to keep the three of them away from her.

We can't wait any longer.

We have to introduce Simone to Chidi.

Why? I-I think she's doing great.

See, she's getting all the cake-pushing

out of her system.

I know it's painful to think of the two of them

connecting, but Chidi made an incredible sacrifice.

He had his memories erased so he could help people.

And if we don't let him help Simone,

it'll be all for nothing.

Fine.

Stupid... ethical

reasonable argument.

I wish you were a cake. Push you over.

Are you still muttering?

No! I stopped.

Stupid, good-hearing, reformed demon...

Wow.

Oh!

Hey there, Simone.

Shoving people in the pool, huh?

Yeah, just testing the laws of physics

here in my nonsense brain jail.

Who's this?

Uh, this is Chidi Anagonye.

He was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy,

so I figured he might be able to help...

Chidi Anagonye, that sounds so familiar.

Where did you teach?

St. John's University in Sydney.

Of course!

I used to teach there.

I must've seen his name

on the faculty list and now my dying brain

is just leaking out random information.

Oh, the human mind is truly incredible!

♪ I want something else ♪

♪ To get me through this ♪

♪ Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby ♪

Look, sorry, uh, what... What's happening now?

When I was a kid, my CD alarm clock broke

and it used to wake me up to that song every day,

so now I'm singing it to try and wake myself up.

Okay, well, nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you too, cute guy generated

by my rapidly decaying temporal lobe.

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-do-do-doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

Hey...

You know, it's bad enough you guys have taken over

my house for a year and I've had to move

into the attic, but now I have to walk in

to find Darth Vader's turd

in the middle of my living room.

I mean, what is this?

No time to explain. Also, I kind of forgot.

Where is Derek's plunger? The one that kills him.

Yeah, I used to do this whenever I needed

some alone time.

Once, I rebooted him

just because he was breathing super loud.

Then, when he woke up, he was like, "I don't breathe."

So I don't know what I heard. That was on me.

Well, I'm doing this because

he's trying to steal my girlfriend.

Yeah, you don't need to justify it.

Again, I do it all the time.

No, no, no, Mindy, please wait, don't kill me!

Oh... it's you?

Okay, well, you certainly don't have the Dereks to...

Yeah!

Oh, it's always good.

♪ Doo-do-do-doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

You know what, Simone? Think of it this way.

If this is really all a hallucination,

doesn't it seem kind of basic?

I mean, surely, your brain would imagine something

weirder than just a nice cocktail party?

Oh, you mean like that?

Attention, I have been Dereked.

That's probably my doctor. I must be flat lining.

Oh, this is all in my head.

I'm gonna go eat a knife.

Attention. Murder has been me.

Let me get this straight:

Derek "made mean eyes at you,"

so you went to Mindy's house and murdered him?

Yeah, dog, but his eyes were really mean.

You're probably thinking this,

but they were more like this...

Jason, why did you kill Derek?

I had to get his giant head out of the sky

before any of the humans could see, and it was not easy.

You have to push his plunger and his nose

at exactly the same time.

I was scared Derek was trying to slide into your DMs.

I hate being scared. It's... it's scary.

I don't have time for this.

I am running a neighborhood and its residents,

and Eleanor just casually orders me

to make popcorn rivers,

and Brent won't stop calling me for stuff.

Ugh!

Are we still boyfriend-not-a-girlfriend?

We'll talk about it later.

Okay, executive decision: Forget about Simone.

Janet, make sure she doesn't come in contact

with the other humans.

Let's focus on Linda.

We ought to be able to figure her out

if we can just liven her up a bit.

We'll just, like, sprinkle some cocaine

on her peppermints or something.

Does anyone else find it suspicious

that the Bad Place sent someone so dull?

No, it makes perfect sense to me.

They are trying to drive us insane

by giving us a big boring glob of plain yogurt.

Tomorrow morning, we start Operation Linda.

Okay, you heard the lady.

We'll meet in the town square bright and early.

- Janet, set up for Flying Day. - Cool.

I'm not busy or anything, so that'll be easy.

Off you go.

Whoo-hoo!

Ugh, being a parent is exhausting.

Never conjure 300 children from the essence of your being.

You will have, like, zero free time.

Linda, how are you enjoying the Good Place?

It's good.

Everyone's flying.

You don't want to go flying any higher?

No, thanks.

Oh, well, okay.

Says in your file that you like knitting.

Would you like to do some knitting right now?

No, thanks.

Is there another activity you'd like to do now?

You also enjoyed listening to birds.

Man, Linda, you don't even look at them?

Let's go hear some birds. What do you say?

I'm gonna go get another peppermint.

Come on, Lins.

You can have literally anything you could poss...

What the...

Okay, so...

Maybe she's less boring than I thought.

So let me get this straight, Shawn:

You sent a demon in disguise as one of the subjects?

Yes, he did, Your Honor.

Luckily, none of the other test subjects saw

the mess he made,

but he put the experiment at risk

and he attacked me and Eleanor.

And I'm sorry, where's your shirt?

I think it got stuck in the skin suit.

Well, keep it there.

Damn it, Chris,

you were supposed to slowly undermine them

and gradually sabotage the experiment,

not just go ham on day two, you fart plume.

I told you, I'm not an actor.

And when you get back here, you won't be anything.

Okay, fine, yes, busted.

I'm a rascal.

We'll come pick him up and replace him

with an actual human.

Oh, you will do

nothing of the sort, mon ami.

This outrageous act must be punished.

Chidi will be the fourth subject in this experiment.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

He's perfect because he's already had

his memories erased.

Although you can't erase that booty,

know what I'm saying, blondie?

All due respect, Your Honor, keep it in your robe.

What she means is thank you, Your Honor, we accept.

Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.

Chidi can't be part of the experiment.

They already know that he can improve.

That's like studying for a test,

then acing the test.

It's cheating.

How is that cheating?

You're just falsely accusing us of what you actually did.

No, that's what you're doing.

Shawn, I don't have time for this.

I just started "Deadwood"... finally...

And I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant,

so I'm gonna make this short.

If you so much as breathe on this experiment again,

I will restart the entire thing from scratch,

and then I will personally rip off your eyelids

and make you watch heartwarming videos

of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

Good news: The other four humans

were having so much fun flying,

they didn't see people being punched out of the sky.

Come on.

Getting Chidi to be one of the four test subjects,

that's a huge win.

But it doesn't feel like it. It feels like we got lucky.

And punched in the face.

We also got punched in the face.

Whoa, slow down.

Did you put those trash cans there

just so you could crash into them?

That wasn't my fault, I was texting.

Okay, let him go, dung buckets.

Nice try.

We'll put him on the train and handcuff him to a bench.

Yeah, forgive us if we don't trust you

not to cheat again.

Surprised you figured out that Linda was a fake,

because we all thought you were too stupid.

Well, it was actually Tahani who got suspicious.

Aww... that is so embarrassing for you.

Seems like you're royally forking this up,

just like we knew you would.

Okay, take off,

and give Shawn a message for me.

Tell him that we said, "Boo-yah!"

Make sure you do the hand motion.

Like, "Boo-yah!" Are you listening to me?

- Okay, Michael, that's fine. - No, show me...

- Show me how you're gonna do it. - That's fine.

No, it's important that she does the hand thing,

'cause it really drives the point home.