Original subtitles

SHE GASPS

Ooh!

HOOT!

Argh!

Ah! No! Wah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It is the Series Eight Taskmaster Grand Final!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The wait is over. At the end of tonight's show,

someone will take home THIS majestic trophy,

forged from the bones of Adonis,

and go home a champion.

But which of our battle-scarred five will it be?

Please give them a hero's welcome for the final time...

Iain Stirling... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Joe Thomas... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Lou Sanders... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Paul Sinha... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..and Sian Gibson... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And here, you know I love him really,

it's - whoo! - little Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, that's very... Do you genuinely?

No! No.

Thank you. Well, today, Greg,

I'm actually not going to do any talking -

I'm just going to do this...

LAUGHTER

And I'm supposed to react to that now?

You react however you want, Greg - I think you like it. Yes.

Well, normally, I would have to try and find something funny

to say about that but, on this occasion,

I'm just going to do...

this.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

LAUGHTER

So... Good. We both look pretty. Thank you.

What have we got for the final Prize Task, Alex?

They have to bring in the best thing

that will actually change your life for the better the most.

So, you will judge who has brought in the thing

that will actually change your life for the better the most

and give them 5 golden points for it.

The winner of tonight's episode will take home all the things

that will actually change your life for the better the most.

And, hopefully, the things will actually change their life

for the better the most. OK? LAUGHTER

So, here we go. Lou Sanders.

How are you going to change my life for the better the most?

Now, I don't think you're going to like this one, but...

it's an appointment with my spiritual healer,

Jill in the Pyrenees.

And she's so magic, honestly, she can tap into people.

I asked her about you, she said, "Yeah, great guy, real great guy."

It is a gift voucher for Jill, a healer in the Pyrenees.

You don't go to the Pyrenees.

Because energy works through space and time,

obviously - that's science. Yeah. Yes.

Goes without saying. So...Jill lives in the Pyrenees,

you just WhatsApp audio-call her.

If it's helped you, I think that's wonderful.

It really has. But Jill in the Pyrenees has already said

that she thinks I'm a really great guy

so I probably don't need any healing.

But it's for one of these idiots. LAUGHTER

Iain, what have you brought to change my life?

Oh, I've got the greatest invention I've ever come across,

and that is a toilet stool.

Here it is.

The squatty toilet stool. Yeah.

Oh, I see. As human beings, we're meant to squat when we poo, you see,

because that opens the colon up.

Yes, it does. When you sit at a 90-degree angle...

Yes, yes, it does. It does, yeah.

And Alex will also tell you, when you sit at 90 degrees,

your colon is kinked.

Well, it doesn't allow your body to come out of continence mode

and go into elimination mode. Exactly.

Wait till you get your knees up - you will eliminate that next shit.

We'll talk more about this afterwards. Yeah. OK.

Paul.

I went shopping for my mum on Oxford Street at Christmas,

and I found this item.

And it's so good that I bought it for my mum,

presented it to her at Christmas

and, on Boxing Day, went around and stole it.

It's basically an electronic massage pad

and it absolutely improves your life.

Cos when you get to my age, you're sore after doing anything,

after having a poo.

If you don't believe how good it is,

Alex is going to demonstrate it on you now.

Yes, I do have it here. What?!

Yes. There it is. OK. Do you want to see it in action?

Ooh, ho-ho-ho! LAUGHTER

The great thing about it is that it works on any part of your body.

Oh, put it on your bowels. Yeah.

Where are your bowels? Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Really nice, Paul.

Sian, are you going to relax my colon or make me poo?

Funnily enough, yes.

I've brought some pills.

And these aren't just any pills,

these are actually called Miracle Pills.

OK. I've tried them.

You can eat anything you want when you've eaten one of these pills

and it will taste really sweet

and like the nicest thing you've ever ate. It's true.

I literally ate four lemons.

Yeah? Tasted amazing.

Really? They activate the sweet receptors,

resulting in the perception of sweet taste.

'They do work. They had to physically take the lemons off me in case I had a prolapse or something.

What if I want to eat a lovely Sunday roast? I don't know.

But I had a massive poo after these. After them? Yeah.

Have you ever swapped a cow for some magic beans?

Joe? It's a hair transplant.

Yeah, there we go.

I should say it's singular.

Um...

Have you paid for one hair to be transplanted? I've loaded one hair.

Yeah, I've loaded one hair onto the voucher.

LOU LAUGHS

Expensive, aren't they?

Well, it's normally about 15 grand for a full head of hair,

so what have you put in there?

It's 100 quid. That sort of appeals to me. Yeah.

Tell you what I want, is I want to be able to say at a dinner party,

"I've had a hair transplant." Yeah. And for them to go, "Really?"

And I'll go, "Yes, but only THIS hair here."

'Points, then, Greg. It's a final, so I'm not going to give anyone 1 point - so that's good, isn't it?

That is good, yes. Are you going to give anyone 2 points? Yes.

Just imagining I'm eating a lemon now.

LAUGHTER

What does it taste like?

Yeah, sweet.

2 points.

2 points to Sian.

3 points to the back-massager.

It was really nice, I really enjoyed it,

but, honestly, I've got one. OK.

3 points also to Jill in the Pyrenees. OK.

I mean, unbelievably...

the notion of having one hair transplanted gets 4 points.

Eh! I just want it.

And 5 points - who doesn't like a lovely clear-out?

5 points to Iain Stirling!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, what have we got to start the final?

Well, if they do the task correctly, absolutely nothing.

Hiya, mate. Hello, Lou.

'Hiya. You all right?

'Yes. Good stuff.

'An eraser, no less.

This is suspicious.

Little rubber. I used to collect rubbers.

Why?

It was before I had, erm, an iPhone.

Oh. One or the other, isn't it?

Here we go.

Completely erase this eraser.

The fastest wins.

Your time starts...

Hold on, I'm just thinking.

I can see that.

Your time starts...now.

APPLAUSE

No hesitation whatsoever.

No. Because you're a rubber specialist.

That's what they do.

What has become of the rubber collection?

It's still there, it's in a Quality Street tin.

Where?

At my mum's house!

LAUGHTER She told me she's got 250.

I've never used them to actually rub.

No. No, God, that would soil them - we all know what.

Let's see some erasing.

OK, first to rub out the rubber are -

and there's no easy way to say this - Joe and Sian.

'Well, I've made two, and a load of little ones.

Oh, my God...

'I'm going to sweat on here!

I'm going to go and, erm, have a little root around,

see if I can find...something.

Erm...

'Right, here we go.

That's a bit more like it, isn't it?

Stand back, everyone.

Here we go!

SHE SHRIEKS

That's not even done anything, that.

No, it's still there, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

I've erased it. It's gone, is it? Yep.

Has it gone? It's all gone. It's gone. Completely gone.

No sign of it?

I can't see it anywhere, no.

APPLAUSE

I mean, unbelievably I really found myself admiring your technique.

I really thought, "Yeah, that's good thinking, that,

"getting some sandpaper - that'll speed up the erasing process." Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

Obviously you used the classic old-school...

Rubbing? ..eraser technique.

Bored of it and tried to eviscerate it with fire.

I thought it actually would burn.

No, it didn't burn.

I know it didn't work, because Sian threw her rubber in a hedge. Yes.

She took 9 minutes and 40 seconds.

We did search for the eraser afterwards, couldn't find it -

so, it's gone.

Come on - it's not been erased, it's been chucked in a hedge.

Joe took the same amount of time it takes me to fully clean you -

19 minutes 32 seconds.

Quite a while. Let's see another one.

Yes, next up, two fellas.

An ITV1-er and an ITV2-er.

It's Paul and Iain.

'Completely erase this erase.

Your time starts...now.

You tell me when it's completely erased.

I don't know if this will help.

TOILET FLUSHES

TOILET FLUSHES

Done! Completely erased?

Yeah.

Is it completely erased, Paul?

It is. I'm glad I didn't eat it.

APPLAUSE

Are you, Paul, under the impression that you erased that eraser?

I removed it from society.

LAUGHTER

It's probably still an eraser, isn't it?

It's been erased. I'm not sure that is erased.

I mean, you could see yours in a mush by your feet!

Yeah, but it could no longer function as an eraser.

It was no longer an eraser.

Mine is underwater in a pipe!

But it's still an eraser. It's not... It's not!

It's lost its function.

At this point... No-one's going to use that as an eraser again.

But if they really, really wanted to,

they could find it and it would still be intact as an eraser.

And also, I think that erasing is the act of using it to rub.

Where the fuck has this come from?!

I don't know.

I'm so fed up of putting in, like,

loads and loads of genuinely physical effort into the task

and then these other people find some wanky workaround.

Put some fucking effort in!

'I don't know where that's come from - I'm really sorry. I've been really nice so far.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Let's just let all the rage simmer a bit.

Hello, and welcome to the end of Part One.

Goodbye.

CHEERING

Hello!

Welcome back to the Taskmaster Series Eight Grand Final.

It's Part Two, and it's exciting.

So, to reflect this, Alex, can you please shout your recap

at the very top of your lungs!

HE TALKS LOUDLY: They are trying to erase an eraser

as fast as possible!

Louder!

And Iain and Paul flushed it!

More!

HE SHOUTS: Sian chucked it in a bush! Actually shout!

JOE MADE A MESS!

AND WHO'S NEXT? LOU SANDERS!

You genuinely shout like a little old man.

LAUGHTER

Why is there no volume?

I'm sorry, I did my best.

Get away from my lawn, you two!

Before we debate erasing any more, let's have a look at Lou's, can we?

Yes. Here's Lou's.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

Yeah?

Is this the sort of thing...?

Oh...

'It's taking longer than I thought.

'Can I get a drink, please?

Yeah, what would you like? Oh, it tastes horrible!

Water and a juice, please.

Finished! Oh!

OK.

Well done, I've stopped the clock.

Where is it?

Anything else, Lou?

Anything else? I can still see some of it.

Oh!

It's not completely erased, I'm afraid, Lou.

It didn't taste very nice!

TOILET FLUSHES

Where's it gone?

Down the toilet. I'll stop the clock.

APPLAUSE

If she'd eaten it, would you have accepted it?

I think she changed its form. Yeah.

All she did was put it into a sewage system.

I changed its form. No, but it's been digested, broken down,

'there's no way you could get those bits out and still use it as a rubber. Thank you.

'So, just so you know, it ended up in the toilet in the hands of three of them.

Lou took 2 minutes 50 seconds.

34 seconds by Paul, 20 seconds by Iain.

Well, this is unprecedented,

what I'm about to do.

The first points I will award according to the times.

OK, so it'll be only 1 point to Joe, 2 to Sian, 3 to Lou,

4 to Paul, 5 to Iain.

Correct. But then I'm going to give Lou 1 bonus point

for chewing up a rubber like a mad person,

but I'm going to give Joe a bonus of 3 points.

Thank you. Yes.

Joe gets 4 points!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Do you have another one ready?

I do - and this one has legs.

Ow!

"Make yourself some tremendous pretend legs."

"You have five minutes to order up to five items from Alex."

"Once Alex has shopped for the items,

"you will have 20 minutes to make your tremendous legs

"and then demonstrate them."

"Most tremendous pretend legs wins."

"Your time starts...now."

Massive trousers.

Some green face-paint.

Maybe I should try and make some sort of hinge.

Some sexy stockings.

Some stripy tights.

Red and black? Purple and black.

Sorry. Two child-sized snooker cues.

Fireworks. Oh, there we go.

WHISTLE Great, thanks a lot.

Thanks, Joe. Cheers. Bye. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

The most tremendous legs, right? Yes, the most tremendous legs.

Great in amount, scale or intensity - tremendous.

Good. So, here we go - this is Joe and Paul.

I've never made anything with hinges before.

Oh, Christ.

Here we go.

What am I doing?

Shit!

Come on.

Fuck! Come on.

Fuck you!

Way!

Hello, Alex. You doing OK?

I'm fine, thank you, Joe. You look...tired.

Never felt better.

Why?

These little mothers down here.

Two tremendous legs.

Are they finished, Paul?

Erm, I might take them outside.

Ironically, I think the mistake I made

was not going for an adult snooker cue.

They're quite small, aren't they?

Nonetheless...

Oh!

And I walk out to enjoy my evening out.

And is it possible for you to stand? Stand?

At the moment it's been kind of...

On tiptoes is it? Erm...

Oh...

Whoa, OK!

LAUGHTER

He's done it!

And you can see that even when disaster does strike,

the leg fits straight back on.

HE PANTS

Thank you, Paul. Thank you. Well done.

Thank you, Joe. Cheers.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I hated that.

I hated every fucking second of that.

I asked for hinges and then didn't use them to make the knee,

I just used them to... Well...

Well, you asked for hinges

and then you were so frenetic, there was so much activity.

It was like an episode of The A-Team for our older fans.

It was incredible, there was so much industry going on, and then...

I mean, the legs were so rubbish

and then you really hurt yourself.

Yeah. No, I really genuinely felt quite sad that day

after going home and having done that,

because I really thought I should be able to do a bit better than that.

I think all of us who were there felt sad - and angry as well.

Yeah, yeah.

So far away from tremendous.

Paul, any regrets about choosing child-sized snooker...?

I read the task and I thought to myself,

"I am not going to come out of this task with any dignity whatsoever".

I'm dyspraxic, I'm virtually colour-blind,

I've got an injured shoulder and, more than that,

I am an absolute dickhead.

That's not fair, you're not a dickhead.

They looked more like legs than Joe's did, they were functional,

they were able to very slowly kick a football.

I mean, it's an image that will haunt me for some time, which is good.

Shall we see someone else? Yeah!

OK. One of her shopping requests was spaghetti -

it's Lou Sanders.

Wow.

Yeah? Yeah.

OK, get ready.

OK.

LOU LAUGHS

Tremendous.

APPLAUSE

They were more tremendous than what we've seen thus far, I think.

Fair to say. They were legs.

They were slightly more tremendous than the pool cues, sorry.

I think Paul's point is she didn't make the legs -

she improved pre-existing legs.

But you... What was the task again?

Make... Make some tremendous legs.

Yeah, I made some normal legs tremendous. Tremendous.

They did look quite tremendous

and it was surprising to see them up there.

Yeah, thank you.

It'd raise an eyebrow.

They were the most tremendous legs I've seen thus far.

Look, we're halfway through the final.

Not only will someone win the Taskmaster trophy,

but someone will also go home with a squatting toilet stool -

win-win! Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello.

Welcome back to the start of Part Three, here in the Taskmaster Final.

Where were we, Alex?

Legs is where we were, and where we still are.

Legs. So far we've discovered

that Paul Sinha thinks the most tremendous legs imaginable

are a smaller, less mobile version of his own.

Now for Sian, with a slightly higher production-value version.

Here we go.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

GLASS SMASHES

SHE SHRIEKS I'm melting, I'm melting!

SHE SHRIEKS

Argh, I'm melting, I'm melting!

APPLAUSE

I think mine was better.

Oh, man. The production. The whole concept was wonderful.

I loved your tremendous legs.

I'm going to hand out points pretty quickly.

After seeing Iain's... Iain.

LAUGHTER

So, erm... Ugh! How's your day been?

Good, thank you.

'Anything interest...ing?

Your ankle.

What about your ankle? Argh, argh!

Argh!

I've broken both my ankles!

I like your new shoes.

Thank you very much. They're, erm, from...

D'you ever do that?

Oh, my back!

My back.

We're off to the caravan.

APPLAUSE

Why...?

Why did you hamper yourself with fake arms?

I got carried away.

The thing about this show...

You don't see it from another person's point of view.

I was convinced I'd won this task!

LAUGHTER

I'm barefooted, stood on stainless steel,

with my hands zipped into my body... Yeah.

..and then I gaffer-taped a mannequin hand onto each side.

They were both left hands.

I barely noticed.

I know - I put gloves on them so you wouldn't!

By the point I was doing that,

the legs had really become an afterthought.

'As a character, you look like a pretty cool guy to hang out with. We had a lovely time.

You were having a lovely old sway. Lovely slow sway. Yeah.

I'm going to score it really quickly. Are you? Yeah.

Guess who's in last? Me.

1 point for Joe. Thank you.

I want to give this 100 bonus points,

but if I mark them as just tremendous legs,

unfortunately I have to give the children's snooker cue...

Unfortunately I have to give them 2 points.

I mean, he's done well to get 2 there. 2 points to Paul.

He's done really well. Unbelievable. I want to hang out with him,

but I don't think his legs are that tremendous.

But I will give clumpy, sway-ey, clumsy man 3 points.

3 points to Iain.

Obviously I want to roller-skate on top of a caravan for one foot.

Louie... Lou gets 4 points.

Louie-Lou - 4 points. I mean, who can deny the production

of Sian Gibson - 5 points?

That was great. CHEERING

Oh, dear me!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Little scoreboard update, please.

OK, it's tight at the bottom, as...

Mummy used to say... LAUGHTER

It's a three-way tie at the bottom.

Joe, Paul and Sian all have 9, then Lou has 11

but, in the lead with 13 points, it's Iain Stirling.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Please can we have one more - just one more.

I have exactly one more task.

The last video task of the series, I'm afraid.

But it does involve some very dangerous parking and a bobble hat.

It's a long way. Pardon?

It's a long way.

Yes. I'm not very good at running.

You don't have to run.

Have a little looky.

"Follow the instructions on the signs

"and park this buggy in the parking bay."

"You have a maximum of ten minutes to prepare your journey,

"during which you may not move any of the items on the course."

"Your journey must start from where the buggy is now."

That's going to be easy, no?

"Also, you must be wearing this blindfold correctly

"at all times during your journey."

Ah... ah!

Ah.

"Most accurate journey wins.

"Your preparation time starts now."

What?!

Right, so let's have a look at these instructions.

"Do knock these bells off.

"High-five him."

"Do NOT knock these bells off."

"So I've got to drive that blindfolded and do them things?"

Yes, please.

Good luck.

LOU: I'm just going to have a little go on this.

Whoo!

Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Jesus.

Absolute carnage from you before the blindfold's gone on.

And you know how I knew that was genuine panic?

Because the old-man voice came out.

"Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul!"

"It's my bloody garden again!"

I can't wait to see this.

We've grouped these two together already today,

but now it's their last chance to truly prove themselves,

it's Joe and Paul again.

Here we go.

OK. You've got eight more minutes to prepare.

Oh, eight more to prepare? OK.

Erm...

I'm going to administer the blindfold system. OK.

Layer one. Wow.

Can you see anything, Paul? No.

Good luck! Thank you.

I'm going to go.

BEEP-BEEP!

Fuckin' hell!

Was that the mannequin?

Was that a high-five?

I thought I had a good idea here.

Where are the bells?

Oh, God!

Oh. I think it goes without saying that I don't really know where I am.

Where do you think you are?

I'd like to think that the parking bay is there.

All right.

Have you got a plan B, Paul? Erm...

Careful. Brilliant.

It's not as big as I thought it was.

What are you looking for at the moment, Paul? The bike again.

ALEX LAUGHS

Lost the bike again...

OK.

I'm going to park it now.

Careful, Paul!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I was nearly there.

Yeah.

I could be anywhere. BELLS JINGLE

I've stopped now, I've finished the journey.

Oh, it's not too bad.

APPLAUSE

Can I ask what the strategy was with leaving the buggy?

My first mistake was thinking that I was competent enough

to drive somewhere near the bells, get out of the thing,

walk out and knock the bells off with my own hands.

But somehow or other, I just fucked it up from the word go.

Well, we all enjoyed watching him walk around a space.

And I was thinking, "He's not going to remember where that buggy is!"

Delightful. Well, he found it

but, unfortunately, tried to get on the front instead...

LAUGHTER

And, Joe, I thought you would employ a more logical system,

rather than just, "OK, I think I've got the measure of this,

"let's drive."

You went full speed. You had your hazards on.

Hazards on. My thinking was, if you put your hazards on,

you can do literally whatever you want.

You did say afterwards, "That was bloody brilliant."

It was. It was good.

Here it is. The last break of the series.

Alex, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise.

Because, just before the show record,

I genuinely cut your trousers in half.

Now, I know you think this was a joke.

I went into your dressing room

and I got your trousers that you're wearing to the party tonight

and I cut them in half with a big pair of scissors!

APPLAUSE

I think it's the best thing I've ever done. Yeah.

Yeah, I can see that.

Ah! They are my actual trousers, so...

Here's a break. OK.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back.

Here we are, then - the final part of the series.

I can't quite believe it, can you, Alex?

Yes, I can. But there's still a task to finish, Greg.

They've been parking a buggy badly

and, lastly, we're going to see Iain, Sian and Lou.

7, 8, 9, 10, 11.

Stop.

Jingle.

One elephant, two elephants,

three elephants.

Oh, I forgot my number counting now.

OK, so if you stand by the parking lot emitting a noise.

Shall I blow the whistle every 5-7 seconds?

1, 2, 3,

4, 5, 7, 8, 9.

10, 11, 12.

They're all 12cm apart.

Can I go and get a big stick?

Do whatever you want.

SHE WHIMPERS

IAIN: One elephant, two elephant,

three elephant.

Hello?

But it was three...

It WAS three elephants!

I...just...keep...walking...

What's that? That's a camera.

Oh, I shouldn't have got out of the truck.

11, 12.

BELLS JINGLE

APPLAUSE

It's all right. I high-fived it!

OK.

14, 15.

Oh.

Yes! Come on!

Get off.

Careful!

Ooh!

Ooh! Ah.

SHE LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY

High five!

Am I the wrong side?

This is terrible.

Ooh. High five.

Oh, don't do this again.

Oh, no.

BELLS JINGLE

Yes!

APPLAUSE

9, 10, 11.

I'm in!

'I'll just not worry about the other bells, OK? OK.

'OK, so what's that, then?

'So I think I'm just going to back out here.

'Ooh!

APPLAUSE

'Absolute carnage.

'But also getting me to whistle in the parking bay

'did mean she got to the parking bay eventually.

'Oh, OK. She did create some system. There was a system.

'That's good, cos I'd hate for you to damage the truck!

I think the thing that's worth mentioning

is that no-one else took over 10 minutes.

She took half an hour.

Because I wanted to get it right! Yeah. The elephant system.

You were very passionate about it.

Elephants. I've seen people say "elephants" before.

I've seen people say "elephants" before. Yeah, couple of times.

We went to that thing, didn't we?

Yeah, the old... Elephant conference. Yeah. Yeah.

Sian, what was your system?

Erm, counting in centimetres!

And I was amazed to find out that they were all 12cm apart.

I know! It looks different. It does look different.

And we can see some lovely interpretive dance as well.

THEY LAUGH

Well, I don't need to hand out points, do I? No, not yet.

I'm going to show you the graphics of how accurate their journey is

and that shout speak for itself.

I've plotted Joe's journey first,

so he went a bit like this...

You see bottom-left, he's aiming for the bottom-right.

Started well.

There's some good and bad there.

I've drawn a penis there.

Ending with that?

Paul next.

I've made the line solid when he abandoned the truck.

Back in.

Back out.

And he's off.

APPLAUSE

Iain next. I think you'll be quite impressed by Iain's journey.

Pretty smooth.

Look at that. Wow.

Textbook stuff.

Oh, lovely!

APPLAUSE Lovely!

Sian's wasn't dissimilar but, again, she abandoned the truck

and that's where it got less accurate.

Good ending, though, good ending. Not bad.

Lou. Yeah, finally.

All 30 minutes of Lou's journey.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Ooh. There we go.

APPLAUSE

Who was best?

Oh, Iain Stirling definitely was the best - he gets 5 points. 5 points!

Presumably Sian's is the next-best? Sian, definitely - 4. 4 points.

Yep. And then 3, 2, 1.

Joe, Paul, Lou. Joe, Paul. Lou was definitely the least accurate.

So 3 points, 2 points. 1 point to Lou.

OK, everyone, it saddens me to ask this,

but could you please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the series!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hi, lovely ponytail-boy. Hi, ponytail-man.

Who's going to read the final task of the series out?

Lou Sanders.

OK.

Yep. Right way up.

"Correctly wearing these goggles,

"and with your eyes open at all times, retrieve your duck.

"You must stand on your spot and hold the stick by the handle.

"You must stay standing on your spot throughout the task.

"Fastest to hold their duck in their hands above their head" - oh, yeah -

"wins.

"You have a maximum of three minutes."

This doesn't seem very hard. I wonder what those goggles do.

I'm not going to tell you that. OK.

When I blow the whistle, place your goggles over your eyes

and retrieve your ducks.

Jesus Christ!

It turns everything upside-down. Whoops!

Oh, that is horrible.

Lou, you must stay on your spot.

I'm on my spot, aren't I? Well, some of you's on the spot.

OK. How's it going, Sian?

I feel...

'AUDIENCE: Aw!

Oh, it might be all right.

Fuck off! Fuck off! FUCK OFF!

Come on, Joe.

'That is not your duck, Lou!

Come on, Joe.

That's it. Oh!

It could be Paul!

Only Paul's is remaining!

No!

AUDIENCE GASPS

OK. Stay on your spot, stay on your spots!

Ah, my bum! Yes, I've covered that up.

Do you have to catch it with the hook?

No, do whatever you want, Paul. Oh!

CHEERING

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Aw!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

AUDIENCE: Aw!

I put it on my head!

I put that duck on my head!

You may take off your goggles.

'Paul, you're the only one not sitting on the floor now, for some reason.

But you don't have to sit on the floor, no-one ever...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Good.

Come down and we'll add that to the final scores!

APPLAUSE

Messy old business, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Three of the contestants did not retrieve the duck within the time.

So we can safely say 0 points.

I'm afraid so, to those three.

And that is to Lou, Paul and to Sian. Whoo!

And I'm very sorry to say...

Iain got Joe's duck and Joe got Iain's duck.

Oh!

And I want you to greet this with a huge round of applause,

because I do think it's sort of in keeping with the entire programme,

that in the final task of Series Eight of Taskmaster,

every single contestant has scored...

no points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't believe it!

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

It does mean, though, that there is a clear and outright winner,

5 points ahead of the rest, that is Mr Iain Stirling!

Iain Stirling!

Iain Stirling wins!

Please go and bag the things

that are going to make your life better.

Iain Stirling!

APPLAUSE

It's trophy time.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Little Alex Horne...

..please...

reveal the final results.

HE WHISPERS: I think you're beautiful.

I am.

LAUGHTER

Paul ended up on 136 points.

In fifth place, Paul Sinha.

Just above him, on 143 -

7 points above - was Sian Gibson!

APPLAUSE

And up we go again, 7 points higher, with 150,

Joe Thomas.

Thank you. CHEERING

And here we go, with 156 points,

in second place...

Mr Iain Stirling!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Which means...

with 164 points,

the winner was Lou Sanders!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There it is, your Series Eight Taskmaster champion -

Lou Sanders!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you. Mwah. Thank you.

Thank you, everyone, for watching, thank you to our colossal cast,

and the smallest hint of appreciation

to little Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Mainly, though, well done again

to our Series Eight champion, Lou Sanders!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Who will be the next champion?

See you next time to find out. Bye-bye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media