Original subtitles

[filmrise music]

[theme music]

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.

Oye!

Come watch pickeys making a mess of the lives

they were given by Him upstairs, and kids they're convinced

aren't actually theirs. - Wicked!

Piss off!

What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing

money or wives in your face?

Because this, people reckon -me included-

is why pubs and drugs were kindly

invented to calm us all down, and stop us going mental.

These are Chatworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for griding your axes.

Well you shit on our head, but you pay the taxes.

[cheering]

Imagine Britian without Chatsworth bucaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history.

Cheaper drugs now!

Made poverty history.

Cheaper drugs now.

[laughing]

[screaming]

[theme music]

Thank you.

It's coming!

It's coming!

Baby!

You want to know what you're doing, yeah?

Carl, where you going?

Pub, to fetch me dad.

This morning he's in.

Yeah, I'm calling about Monica Gallagher.

IAN (VOICEOVER): Some people can do commitment.

Ian! Help!

IAN (VOICEOVER): Scared of making bad calls,

fucking things up, feeling useless.

So they never make decisions, and they never

find out what might have been.

Shite arse, mom's in labor.

Move!

Yeah.

All right.

IAN: Final prediction?

I honestly don't mind as long as she's healthy.

Oh.

Ian's filming, bags packed, but where's Lanky?

Uh, well just thrilled to be here, really support the wife.

The miracle of birth.

A gamut of emotions, really. - Come on.

Aw.

These for Nana?

Looking forward to meeting your auntie?

Where's the lift?

Who's doing the transport?

Carl is.

This is rubbish!

Can't have mum waiting around.

Carl!

He said he were getting up.

What?

- I'll call Speedy Cabs. - No.

Forget it.

Everyone stop what they're doing.

Carl let us down.

Drill is over.

A drill?

Debbie!

You made me call the clinic for nothing.

Tell us you're joking.

Just as well.

It was a dry run.

Should we do a debrief?

You were in on this, eh?

Like I had a choice.

False alarm.

Oh yeah.

Well, OK.

As I'm up.

We can't afford to carry passengers.

For fucks sake.

Mum wasn't in labor.

Well, you weren't to know that.

Debbie, don't you think it's a bit soon to be running drills?

No, Mom always drops early.

Ian started the trend of premature birth

the ensuing children came even earlier.

So by my calculations, Mrs. Gallagher could give --

Tomorrow?

All this excitement eh, baby?

Well if you're coming any day now,

better go and lie down upstairs, conserve our energy.

Nice one, Debbie.

Now she's having kittens, as well?

Shut up.

Stan, it's cash and carry day.

I've got to leave in five minutes.

Always rushing me, aren't you?

Except when it's treats time.

Just because I let you stay here three times a week,

don't mean you can move in.

Well?

Next thing, you'll be proposing.

You can get that right out your head.

It's just a spare pair of undies.

Just don't, all right.

I'm too angry.

Yeah, mum.

Chesney, what are you doing here?

It's five to nine.

About school--

I don't want to talk about school.

Just go to it.

- It's just Mrs. Kay in RE. - I know.

You're Muslim, so why learn about other religions?

Because RE is the difference between 10 GCSEs and nine,

and you promised me double figures.

So just do one.

Is nobody going to school today?

I'm on free periods 'til lunch,

and then I'm on at the shop.

I told you that yesterday.

I swapped with Norma.

Don't think you're getting out of working tomorrow night.

I know your game.

I know what you are thinking before you've even thought it.

These don't mean anything.

I put them in your drawer for convenience.

That's all.

No hidden agenda.

You could have asked.

What's so bad about us shacking together, anyway?

I'm here half the week.

Well, that's different.

How is it?

What's wrong with us moving things on a bit?

You know, thinking longterm?

It's done.

We're not having this conversation.

Well, do you think we should?

- No, not now. - Well, why not?

Because I'm late.

Don't push me.

Or what?

All right.

I see.

Yeah, great.

Good to know, Yvonne.

Good to know.

I'll speak to you later.

OK?

Yeah.

I can't believe you volunteered us for cycling

proficiency lessons.

Opportunities to nick some bike thieves, Tom.

Ultraviolet light, serial codes for bikes.

That's why they made me a sergeant.

All right there, Stanly.

Moved up to limbo land in two minutes.

It's just pants.

You left those?

That's your special boxers.

They were the first pair I could find.

Shows you how trivial I think it all is.

FEMALE OFFICER: Hey guys, are you still looking for a lodger?

Us? No.

No, room at our inn.

Don't know where you got that from.

Canteen Val said that Stan's moving in with his missus.

God, I am not moving in with Yvonne.

How many times?

What?

Carl, come on you can't stay in bed all day.

I've left school. I'll do what I want.

Not when there is going to be another mouth to feed.

There, you know the score.

Everybody mucks in.

Carl!

Piss off!

I am trying to get more than just the odd shift at the shop.

Full-time kitchen assistant at City Centre Hotel.

That's all right.

I filled out 12 of them last week, and not one interview.

It's a waste of time. - Come on.

What if this is the one that gets you the interview?

It's fuck all use unless you hand it in, mate.

Watch.

I'll get me hope up on the bus to town,

and I get knocked back again.

Haven't even got me fucking fare.

How much short are you?

Just forget it.

I'll get it out the surfboard fund.

It's what it's for, these days.

Where's my bottle?

FRANK: One pound 32.

Really thought a bit more.

Kids, no head for saving these days.

So, how many cans?

One, but I'm not taking that.

What?

I know for a fact your mum loves change.

Shit.

Such a waste, man.

Hands up!

Get your hands up.

Oh shit.

Shitting hell.

Don't talk to me, and don't touch her.

Just do what I tell you. Freeze!

I said, freeze!

I'm froze.

Sleeping lions.

Anybody else?

No, just take whatever and go.

YVONNE: Meena?

Why is this door locked?

Who's that?

My mom. YVONNE: Come on!

Open the door!

What are you doing?

No nonsense.

YVONNE: Unlock this door, now!

Is this what happens the second I step foot out of the place?

Shut it.

Not another fucking word!

Do exactly what I tell you and nobody gets hurt!

What the hell are you doing?

Just getting me hospital bag ready.

How long do you think you go in for?

What's with the bikini?

Well, in case I want a water birth.

It's not what you think.

That's my room.

I'll decide when I'm going.

Not you and Canteen Val.

She's always asking after you.

I just said we hasn't seen much of you, that's all.

Well, she's not the only one.

This is doing my head in.

The plan was to discreetly put the feelers out, test

the market, not drop us in.

STANLEY: Yvonne?

Didn't know Val was going to put it around the entire nick.

She's the biggest gobshite of them all.

I though she was a sweet old dinner lady.

Well, a good sergeant knows her stuff.

STANLEY: Open the door.

I tell you the names of everyone who works in our nick.

Fine, but you know them?

A good sarge would.

STANLEY: Yvonne, open the door.

Copper.

STANLEY: I know you're there.

I can see you.

I'm not going anywhere until we sort

out this stupid pants nonsense.

Stan I'll talk to you later, yeah?

No, come here!

Talk to me, now.

She's not letting him in.

He is not happy.

STANLEY: --stand there and tell me to get lost?

I'd get in the back if I were you.

Keep your head down.

Grow up, Tom

You're going to let me in or I'll break this door down.

Oh, shit!

Yvonne?

Is everything OK in there?

Yvonne, what's going on?

[inaudible]

Stand back.

I'll kick it in.

Piss off.

I'm nearly there.

Get away from the door!

Get away from the door!

Get back!

Don't shoot.

I'm unarmed.

- What's that in your hand? - Nothing.

What you doing?

Hands where I could see them!

Why don't you lower the weapon?

Shut up.

I just want everyone to go out of here in one--

I said shut up!

You're not calling the shots here, I am!

Now, get over there and get down!

Get!

Anyone tries anything and I'll start throwing bodies out!

OK, now hop into the safe.

What?

Come on.

You got a shop, you got a safe.

Move, yeah?

Yvonne, just do as he says, eh?

There's nothing in it.

I had to dip in to it yesterday because the mortgage was

overdue. - Whatever Come on.

Fine, but you're wasting your time.

I'm not a fucking idiot, yeah?

Now, let's do this!

What now?

It's on a timer.

Once I put the code in, it takes half an hour.

Love, there's nothing to be gained from stalling him.

I'm not stalling.

It's on a timer The back door's seeled to deter robbers.

I'm here.

This is happening.

Open it.

Just going to have to sit tight.

Cheney!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Robin Hoodie.

How many people?

Were you wanking?

Fuck off.

I was in a study forum.

Forum?

You should be at school doing RE, where you're safe.

Skiving while I'm at Costco.

Come on, not now.

Don't you come on me.

This is my family.

Keep your nose out.

OK, enough!

Find another way. Enter the code!

[beeping]

MONICA: It's you saying that the baby is coming!

I'm sure this is all just normal.

Last minute nerves.

It's not that!

There.

You're meant to breastfeed, these days.

My milk hasn't come.

You don't need to breastfeed.

I bet all the women that write this

are them mutant lactators that have

teenagers hanging off theirs.

Hmm.

You gave us a bottle, didn't you?

Well, I had to because after I fed Fiona,

these dropped a whole two inches.

They used to be right up there.

Did formula do us any harm?

It's not the same as giving your baby the boob.

I want it to be natural.

I want it to be perfect.

I can't bear to be a crap mum, again.

You won't be.

I won't let you.

Stop worrying.

Yeah.

Thanks, love.

Oy, just until you settle down.

Oh, hiya [inaudible]

[knocking]

No, it's locked.

I couldn't get in.

Won't be a minute!

Police business!

Turned his radio off.

Kerry, from community support.

I'm not playing your stupid game, Tom.

Save your breath. - Fine.

Only a good serg--

Look, I've passed my exam.

I've got my stripes.

I've shown what it really takes to be a sergeant.

Fine, if that's all you want to be,

a sergeant, not a good sarge.

He's got 10 minutes and I'm dragging him out of there.

ROBBER: Oh, what is this, man?!

There's a fucking cop car outside now!

It's me colleagues, probably just waiting for me

to sort stuff with Yvonne.

How am I supposed get out now, eh?!

Duh.

Something you should have thought about earlier, maybe.

Do you know him?

Shut up!

Fucking talk to him like you did.

I know his voice from somewhere Do I know you?

Chesney, sit down for us, pal.

What?

[inaudible] not going to shoot me.

He's bricking it.

Hands shaking.

Just listen to the Fed, brother.

I'm not your brother.

Are you a Musi?

How do we know eachother?

STANLEY: - Fellas, let's keep our heads, eh.

YVONNE: Chesney, back off.

How did you know about the safe?

Huh?

Ah, you got a shop you got a safe!

No, the only people who know about that safe are here.

You're too clued up.

You rob me the one morning I'm not here.

How did you know that?

Please, don't tell me this is what I think it is.

An inside job.

Whose idea were it?

Well?!

You said this was going to be easy.

Put on a show for the cameras.

In and out no distractions.

Fucking hell's bells, Stan.

Thought my lot were wrong un's.

I knew it.

Asif Khan, evil money lending harami.

Easy, Chesney.

He's still carrying.

This wasn't meant to happen.

20 applicants to clean dishes and they

tell me, lack of experience.

I'm unemployable.

I can't make out, fix out.

I wouldn't even give me a job. - Oh dear.

Oh dear.

Dry your eyes.

There's a place in the workforce for everybody,

Carl, even coconuts like you. Isn't that right, Micky?

Yeah.

You're not using your breadbox.

You tell us what you're after and we'll come

up with a perfect job for you.

I just want to do something that people are impressed by.

I want them to look at me say, there's Carl Gallagher the--

lumberjack

And I need to be around girls.

So you want a job to get laid, don't require you to think.

I suppose.

And If I could travel, great.

You know, see the world and that.

- Uniform? - Ladies love a man in uniform.

As long as I don't look like a dick.

Holiday rep!

Hello, sailor.

Anyone for tennis?

[laughter]

Clear off taking a piss!

No, it was inspired, that.

I'll show you's.

I'm going to do something that gets me respect.

Because I want what I'm owed.

How much?

Two.

Grand?

What the fuck do you need that for?

What's that got to do with you?

It's my mum you're robbing.

Don't get holier than thou with me

doing study forums in her shop.

Stop it!

What have I done to deserve this?

What's happened to my kids?

What did you need the loan for, Meena?

Pay off a bar bill?

Buy a few more party dresses?

No, I paid a photographer to take shots of me.

I want to be a model.

You?

If you have been flashing your fanny for some dirty old perv--

God, I'm trying to tell you.

Why do you always think you know it all?

Because when it comes to you, I do.

Didn't know I were going to do this, or did you?

I got behind with the repayment.

So you decided to rob me?

You never listen.

You assume everything.

So now I'm to blame for all this?

I screwed up, but everything I said is true, mum.

Chesney will back me up.

He tried telling you why I didn't

want to go to school today.

No he didn't.

I did actually, twice.

I'm the same, Yvonne.

Selective hearing.

But to be fair, you kids do talk a lot of bullocks.

Shut up, Frank!

So you're with them?

My son's bunking off.

My daughter's trying to hustle me.

My boyfriend thinks I'm a bitch.

It's all my fault then.

Great.

Could you run us to Betterbuys?

No, get a bus.

Oh, thanks.

Half an hour?

He's just hiding to get out of cycling proficiency.

Carrie.

They could be making up.

Do you really want to interupt that?

OK, PC O'Leary.

Would you say that a good sarge distinguishes herself by making

big calls under pressure?

I would.

Well, we need to educate the next generation

of Chatsworth cyclists.

Let's go.

Loverboy can explain his absence to the inspector.

Lying bitch!

What the hell is this?

You said that safe was full of money!

Asif, let go.

Come on.

Scaring her isn't going to bring that money back.

I told you there was nothing in it.

Yeah, well I thought you were having me on!

Fucking hell!

What now, eh?!

How am I going to get my cash?

They've got a massive telly out there.

ROBBER: How the fuck am I going to get out of here

without getting arrested?!

We'll give you the CCTV tape.

What?

Look, that tape is the only proof that you were here.

We'll give it to you and then go.

Oh, so what about your mates, eh?

What-- about them?

They only respond to crimes and you were here shopping, right?

- I'll pay you the money. - No.

No way.

It's not your debt.

He's a thieving scumbag!

Will you shut it?

He sorts people out.

He's one everybody goes to when nobody else will help.

He's been there for plenty of families around here.

Besides, what have I told you about borrowing money?

Pay it back before interest is due.

I'll get you the rest.

How do I know you won't cry off?

Send bobbies round to me house.

Because she's not a grass and she knows

you'd give up Meena as an accessory.

You've got to trust each other.

We all have to make out like this didn't happen.

FRANK: Excuse me, shopkeeper.

In return for my silence.

Yvonne?

Don't push your luck!

Give me the gun.

I can't it's me cousin's!

I'm not having some bloke walking

through Chatsworth with that.

BOTH (SINGING): 'Round my shoulders.

And I-I-I had a feeling that I belonged.

I-I-I had a feeling I could be someone.

I hear you're about to drop, girl?

Leftovers from when our Mandy had Katie.

Clogging up me cupboards.

Right, ta.

Fucking decent stuff.

There's breast pump, nipple pads to soak up your leakage.

Here, has your milk come in, yet?

No.

Really?

In that case, hit a truck the other day, Red Cross.

Shit loads of baby formula.

You can have it, in case your baby doesn't lock on.

See you.

You all right, Mon?

No.

It's all this baby this, baby that.

Oh well, just chill, eh?

It's not good for you or the baby.

Got to calm down.

Think about what's best for you both.

What's best for us.

Get her out!

She wants it.

I want it.

Just do it before I go mad.

Nice cup of tea, two sugars.

You're making us go to school?

After we've been held hostage?

Normal service resumes.

Plus, I want you back here by tea time.

We've go stuff to sort out.

Go on.

Close for the day, eh, Yvonne?

No, I'm OK.

About this morning, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just great at change.

Don't beat yourself up, love.

Coming from a big family of hard bastards,

the soft didn't survive.

When I though I'd found the man who was going to make me happy,

it just turned out to be a big spending poof.

That ain't that much to smile about.

I make you smile, don't I?

I definitely made you smile at least twice.

Hey, hat-trick.

Yvonne, I want to make you happy.

- Oh stop. - What?

Oh come on, we've had a row.

Big deal.

This works.

It'd be crazy to give this up.

And you know, if you want to face facts, neither one of us

is getting any younger.

Stan, I don't want this conversation.

- Why not? - I'm not your folks.

I'm not Kash.

I'm a good bloke and sod it.

I love you.

I wasn't planning on moving in with you, just yet.

I mean, that's not what these pants are about,

but it's what I want down the line, Yvonne.

I want us to be together.

I want to be part of your family.

- Stan, stop. - Marry me, love.

No!

You don't get it.

Yvonne Karib, will you marry me?

I can't!

[bang]

[crash]

Stan!

Are you all right? - Uh.

It's OK. - Talk to me.

Are you all right?

It's fine.

Stan.

Thank God for bullet proof vests.

Stan.

[crash]

It's me boyfriend.

He's been shot.

He's a copper.

Please hurry.

Between the shoulder and ah.

Causeway Parade, Chatsworth.

Please hurry.

There's blood everywhere.

What can I do?

It's all right.

The ambulance is coming.

It's going to be OK.

Press there for me.

Please hurry up.

He's not good.

Oi, you!

With both hands, please!

Shut up!

You're not even from Manchester.

[bell rings]

Jesus!

Hey! [whistle blows]

Slow down!

Will everyone stop!?

Hit the breaks!

What did I tell you to do when I blew this?!

POLICE RADIO: Reports of a gun shot--

[whistle blows]

POLICE RADIO: --at [inaudible] in Chatsworth.

Hey, Kerri, hush yourself.

POLICE RADIO: --police officer.

Repeat, police officer wounded.

Informant is a Mrs. Yvonne Karib.

Stan!

God!

What have I done?

I'm scared, love.

I'm getting cold.

Really cold.

You're against the fridge, Stan.

Cuddle me.

Abulance will be here soon.

Why can't you marry me?

Don't talk about like that.

Save your strength.

I have to know, please.

If I could, I would.

But I can't.

What's stopping us?

You can tell me.

I'm still married.

How?

Kash is alive.

I thought he killed himself.

I made him fake it to get creditors off his back.

He went up to his eyes in debt.

Nobody knows so I can't marry you.

It'd just be wrong.

Yvonne, why didn't you tell me?

Stan!

Oh Jesus Chri--

OK, Find the weapon.

Yvonne, come one give him room to work.

Wee need to let him help Stan.

All right?

I need to ask you some questions.

POLICE OFFICER: All right, Stan

Who did this?

It were an accident.

OK.

So where's the gun now?

It just went off.

Sarge.

All right. You stay with Stan.

Call me if--

Yvonne, I need to get you to the station.

I want to go with Stan.

We'll keep you updated.

(SOBBING) OK, but I want to go in the abulance.

Best not to make this any more difficult.

Let's just get in the car, yeah?

Come on.

Stan, don't you dare die.

You join the army?

Yeah.

Well, entrance test next week.

Recruitment guy reckons I got what it takes.

Yeah, to get your head shot off.

I don't want your death on me conscience.

And I know the risk.

I watch DVDs.

Yeah, man.

Cut Rambo some slack.

He's old enough to know his own mind and he looks the part.

The army's perfect for me.

Girls love the uniform, get to travel--

PATRON: Yeah, man.

Two pints, please.

Make the most of me assets.

Your assets will be fuck all use when a sniper's

got you in his sights.

Lads like you get used, Carl.

You're cannon fodder.

Piss off, Ian!

I make his big life decision because you're

getting on my case.

Now you're having a pop at me. Can't win with you.

I didn't make you enlist

So you think I made a mistake?

Yeah.

Well, obviously if you come home in a body bag

it's a bad idea.

Well, stuff the lot of you.

I'm doing this.

Who dares, wins.

You all right, there Mrs. G?

Want a lift anywhere?

No, you're all right.

Got to walk.

Long walks and curry.

Micky!

Can you take us to Balti Heaven?

Do what?

I've got a craving Oh, go via Anderson Road, eh?

Why?

Mmm.

Mmm.

Sorry baby, but I'm doing this for the both of us.

Please, let me pull over Mrs. G. You're going to me covers,

I've got to do a hen party.

Nope.

Humps are good.

I want more humps.

Frank!

I need to find me husband!

Munich, Wacco, Beslan.

Name one siege that ended well.

Exactly None.

There's my husband!

Blessed, I am.

MONICA: Frank!

Frank!

I need you to take me from behind.

What did I tell you all?

Blessed.

Come on then, today.

Don't think I can, love.

Say, do you need a hand?

No. No, he's working.

He's working.

MONICA: It's most men's fantasy, this.

A blooming woman begging for it doggy, nice and deep.

I've had a traumatic day.

Uh.

What if the nipper gets brain damage?

You know from the thrusting.

They have that soft bit on top of their head.

You're not going to hurt the baby!

You're not even going to come close!

Now shag me!

I need cock!

Give me some cock!

I can't!

Not with him there!

A pint and painkiller, ta, Jamie!

Ta.

They don't design bars with disabled veterans in mind.

You in the army?

What of it?

Nothing, just I'm joining.

All right.

Good for you.

No.

Fucking good for you, pal.

Takes a brave life to sign up nowadays.

Queen and country.

Yeah, man.

You won't regret it.

The British army is the best in the world.

Takes kids and turns them into ultimate warriors.

Right.

So, where were you posted?

All over.

Iraq.

Afghanistan.

Scary places, like.

Great times, though.

Yup, best six months of my life.

That's not long.

Mmm.

No.

But, you know what?

I might have had me back snapped by the Taliban,

but I have no regrets.

Be nice to piss standing up again, like,

but you can't win them all.

[snickering]

- You pricks! - What?

You really think I'd fall for this?

Back snapped by the Taliban?

Do you think I'm stupid?

Mate, it was my idea.

He still went along with it.

I still think you haven't thought about it properly.

And who's this twat?

Come on!

Come on!

Get up so I could smack you! Come on!

Carl!

He can't He can't!

The chair's for real.

He broke his back on the railways.

Oh, finally.

I've been worried sick!

Is there any news?

Here.

Carrie!

He's being operated on.

It's all I know.

Is he going to be OK?

I don't know anymore than that.

When will he be out?

Yvonne, the CID are going to want to talk to you.

Right.

For that to happen, you've got to be under caution.

What?!

You're going to arrest me!?

They know the CCTV tape's missing.

They think that you destroyed it to make

it look like an accident.

Because it was!

You have to think very carefully about what

you say from now on, yeah?

I didn't mean it.

I wouldn't do anything to hurt Stan.

I know.

You do not have to say anything, but it may hurt your defense.

[moaning]

MONICA: Oh yeah!

Deeper, Frank!

FRANK: Oh!

MONICA: Yeah!

Go deeper.

Just try not to make a mess.

MONICA: Yeah!

That's it. (MOANING) Oh God!

Oh God!

Oh baby!

FRANK: Yeah baby!

Who's back on form?! MONICA: No!

Baby! Baby!

It's coming!

Oh, God!

I'm so charging double for this!

MONICA: Frank, where you going?

Fetching the kids!

Moral support!

But, I want you there!

Oh, fuck it.

Take me to hospital.

I'm having a baby.

(MOANING)

OK, deep breaths.

It'll pass.

So when did your waters break?

Um.

Oh, a bit ago.

This afternoon.

How far apart are your contractions?

Not very but me tummy is going like a tumble dryer,

so something is moving.

Oh girls, you're just in time.

Babies coming.

No, it's not.

You're not in labor.

What?

Excuse me!

I know what labor feels like.

Your waters haven't broken.

You're not dilated and you're wasting my time.

Do you know how many women are out there, waiting to drop?

I know my body and I've been pooing nonstop.

Now that's a sign!

Yeah, of gut rot!

What have you been eating?

Chicken Madras and castor oil.

Out!

Fucking lot of you!

You understand what I'm saying?

Won't be a minute.

What's happened?

Does he know?

Tom!

No, Stan! (SOBS) Please!

I'm not a good sarge.

Nobody could have predicted that Stan would get shot.

You reacted like a sarge.

You did good.

Now, shall we do this?

Yvonne, he's fine.

Tom was just with him in hospital.

The man's a hero.

Deserves a commendation for what he did.

[grunting]

The masked robber just panicked and did on.

I mean, irony of ironies that the gun goes off when Yvonne

hands it to me for safekeeping.

You're free to go.

Really?!

Oh, can I see him?

Ward E, third floor.

Oh, go on and buy your old man a pint, son.

You've run out of Carl's savings?

Ah. (FAKE LAUGHS) I would just like to wet my new babies head.

What?

Your mum's at the hospital.

She's probably had it by now.

No labour at that age.

Slips out like a wet pig.

Carl!

Mum's had the baby!

Get in!

Double celebration!

What?

Dick's signed up, army.

Well, all right.

Well, he can sign up he wants, he's never

going to pass his medical.

Fuck off!

Fit as me, six minute mile, could lift you and you.

[inaudible] That's as may be, but what

you going to do when the bombs and the strobes go off?

You know, you start twitching, going all king Joy Division.

You what?

You got bad wiring, kid.

Epileptic.

No, I'm not.

(LAUGHING) You were on my shoulders that first episode.

The lights are flashing and you're fucking jerking.

The ravers were coping all your moves,

until you started foaming.

You're lying How come I can't remember?

Well, you don't.

Yeah, that's the nature of the storm.

It comes, it goes.

How did that happen?

It's a blessing, actually.

Shit!

Shit!

You happy now?

I'm fairly sure it was him.

It was definitely one of you all.

[laughter]

Go on, Captain Ale.

Give us a thing.

I didn't tell you about Kash, because I

don't want to think about him.

Not because I don't trust you, not

because you're a copper, not because we're not there yet.

It's fine, Yvonnne.

Don't worry.

God, you look shit, Stan.

Thanks.

Is it sore?

I won't be spraying under there for a while.

So they were actually in school, then?

- [inaudible] - Yep.

Catching up. Homework club.

Right. Talk to me about RE.

Oh.

It's the teacher in it.

She's a bigot.

She thinks all Musis want to blow things up.

She turns the whole class against me.

I get abuse and that's why I've been jibbing.

Fine. Drop it.

Do something else.

You're doing it again!

I don't want to swap subjects.

I like RE.

Well, what you want?

Can you go and talk to her?

Tell her to give me a break without getting dark.

Of course, I can.

I better get another teacher in there, as well though.

Just in case.

So what are these posh snaps like, then?

They're good.

They're really nice, professional.

It's amazing what airbrush can do.

Are they worth two grand?

Got a portfolio.

Got paid assignments.

It's a no-brainer.

OK.

But until you've earned you fortune on the catwalk,

you be working weekends in the shop and settling it with me.

What?

That'll take forever!

If you can't do the time--

Fine.

Baby just wasn't ready to come out.

Monica, love, you want something for the stress?

Can you leave me alone, please?

I want to have a row with the father of my baby.

Well, go on and get it over with because I've

got a bottle full of excuses.

You've let me down.

Oh, fuck.

We were supposed to be doing this together.

This isn't easy for me.

You'll be fine.

You're a total fucking pro.

You've raised more babies than Old Mother Hubbard.

Yeah, but I need help with this one.

I'm asking you to be there for us!

Monica, I've told you.

You know this!

I'm fucking useless.

You know at this stage.

Delicate little things, you know?

What can I do?

Loads!

You can bath it.

You can change it's nappy.

you can shove a bottle in its mouth.

I know!

It's a baby, Frank!

It's not good eat you.

It needs you.

I know it's a fucking baby.

What do you think I've been doing all these fucking years?

Just do what comes naturally. - Natural-- yeah.

I told you that.

All right.

I know.

I know.

Go across the road to Tina Brown and ask

if we can borrow her paddling pool,

because I think one of them water births.

I could wear me gold bikini.

Well, go on!

We need to practice.

We have to be ready, because baby could come any day now.

Yvonne Toni-Mari Karib, I know you're set in your ways,

and I've still got a lot to learn about you,

but from this day on, I promise, I won't make any big surprises

or make any big demands on you.

For fear of being shot?

Absolutely.

OK, it's my go.

Stanley Dennis Waterman, I know that you

tend to dive into stuff--

That's a fair assumption, I'll give you that one.

--but from this day on, I'll try to be more open

to what you're diving into.

Thank you.

MEENA: Come on.

This is painful.

(SIGHS) Cut to the chase.

As a token of my commitment to you,

I give you this new four pack of pants from George--

Snazzy!

--as a symbol of my desire to stay over on extra nights week

and call you my girlfriend.

And as a token of mine, I'll find a place for them

in my drawer, unless you want one of your own.

Really?

Relationships are all about making sacrifices, right?

But don't think I'm washing your mucky kecks.

I draw the line.

[crowd noise]

Shit!

You didn't tell them you have fits?

You really think they won't find out?

You don't lie to the military.

Ian, I had a good chat with my career advisor.

Doing the job I've always wanted.

Shock and awe.

Hit it!

[MUSIC - PAUL HARDCASTLE, "NINETEEN"]

Dozens of girls are touching you up.

Passions are running high.

You might not get out alive.

[girls cheering]

What would you fucking do, eh!?

[gun cocks and shoots]

IAN (VOICEOVER): Of course, the irony of people who can't

commit, is most of them are already on the way to whatever

it is that's freaking them out.

You only ever get cold feet when you're

at the point of no return.

You've just gone make that leap.

You always feel better for making a decision.

Yeah!

IAN (VOICEOVER): As long as it's the right one, like.

I'm leaking.

I'm leaking!

That means I'll be able to give her the boob!

That's disgusting.

Clever mummy.

[theme music]

(SIGHS) Debbie!

[film rise music]