Original subtitles

[music playing]

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.

Oy!

FRANK: Come and watch Pikeys making a mess of the lives they

were given by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

Wicked!

Piss off.

FRANK: What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing

money or wives in your face.

'Cause this people reckon, and me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly

invented to calm us all down and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

Well, you shit on our head, but you pay the taxes.

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'll come on your face for the price of a beer.

Hey?

Hey!

Make poverty history.

Cheaper drugs now.

Make poverty history.

Cheaper drugs now.

[laughs] Scatter.

[music playing]

Still waiting for my moment.

Not that 15 minutes bollocks, you know.

A real one.

And when my hour doth cometh, I am the man to filleth it.

All I want is to show the bastards,

you know, proper like.

You know what?

That Kipling twat, he nails it.

Someone call an ambulance!

He needs Heimlich maneuver!

Help him!

Won't somebody give him an hand, for fuck' sake!

FRANK: If all around lose their heads, and you're blah blah--

look up the rest.

I've set the scene.

If you're not in any personal danger, step in, mate.

Save the day.

What's more, you'll be a man, my son.

SHANE: Calm down.

Just stay there.

Help him, for fuck's sake!

FRANK: Yeah.

Massive.

We've only got these.

Put 'em down.

Crawling all over my tits fresh out of prison.

Irish twat!

Excuse me.

Could I trouble one of you two--

Fuck off, Frank.

A more sensitive soul could take offense, you know.

PADDY: This is Paddy Smith.

All right.

No need to brick it.

Shut your noise!

This is the man who was put away for crossing

bigger fish than us!

Runs a farm 20 times bigger than ours.

And I've infringed on his market while he's been absent.

There's cause for apprehension!

Hey, but he might light us keep it if we give him a bone.

No, no, no, no, no.

He won't be doing me any favors. - Why not?

Paddy Smith is other Paddy.

Your mother's first boyfriend?

Oh.

She dumped him for me.

Jesus, Shane.

And to think I could have had a wank instead of you.

FRANK: I mean, what's wrong with wanting to be a hero?

SHANE: Come on, Dad.

Stand back.

Nowt.

[inaudible]

[music playing]

[coughing]

[music playing]

You saved my life!

You fucking hero!

Well, form is temporary.

Class is permanent.

I'm completely shitfaced.

Ah, drinks all around.

I mean, what kind of a mutant peanut is that?

It's a cashew.

That's not a pub nut!

Is this a wine bar?

Are we going metro-fucking-sexual here?

Metrosexual.

I was just trying something new.

PADDY: Ooh!

Something new!

With a cashew!

Yeah, well, lucky it was your dad

or you'll be the one choking now.

That's two in one night, Chatsworth's Oskar Schindler.

And we're brothers now Frank.

It's a blood debt!

You're gonna find out what Patrick Maguire's like when

he's sincerely grateful!

14 more drinks, please.

[music playing]

[drunken singing]

What you doing?

Sorry.

I forgot we changed beds.

I wasn't gonna bum you.

I know you weren't.

It's all right.

I'm totally cool with the gay thing.

You are?

I'm cool.

That's cool.

I'm cool with you being cool.

Oh, piss off.

I'm telling you, Ian, he fancies you.

How have we gone from no one knowing or talking about it

to everyone having an opinion?

Opinions are like bumholes.

Everyone's got one.

They all stink.

He were asking after you.

Mr. Scott? Discussed

CARL: Yeah. Why wouldn't he?

He's with another teacher.

Not anymore.

Above the greengrocer's on Tuttle Street.

Virgil [inaudible] dad owns it.

Scotty moved out a week ago when his boyfriend chucked him.

And now he's asking after you.

Hmm.

What could this mean?

He's just your type, you know.

The geography teacher?

MANDY: Fit, available.

Knows all about oxbow lakes.

Oh, a teacher.

Didn't know you went for older women, Ian.

He's a bloke.

Oh.

Trying to turn you, is he?

[knocking]

Hey, Carl.

You walking to school?

Uh, yeah.

IAN: Who's that?

Sarah Berry, skilled dick magnet.

So what are you doing tonight, then?

Hey, my mum wants you to do a couple of hours in the shop.

- When? - Now.

Can't one of yous do it?

She won't let us bunk off.

Looks like we're only walking as far as the shop.

You walking us an' all?

Get off me, no?

Don't mind me.

[music playing]

Got mice!

Little bastards.

Are vegetarians allowed to say that?

Anything that leaves a trail of piss behind it

deserves to die, horribly.

Get stuffed!

Well, I didn't mean you!

Touchy!

He says he didn't wet the bed.

He was putting out a fire.

Look at the state, Deb.

I'm living in a shit heap attached to a shithole,

mooning over her bloody highness up there.

What's she doing in my room?

She's after it.

Well, it is four times the size of hers.

Bitch!

She's not having it.

She's only a squatter, same as you.

Oh, well, thanks very much!

DEBBIE: Well you are!

Look at the state of this yard!

It's full of crap!

If you're staying, then it's your space.

So get off your ass and do something about it!

Well, tell it like it is, why don't you?

You're such a moaner!

Make a decision and put some effort in!

[music playing]

Get that kettle on, Carl?

KID: Shit!

Got a throat like Thursday's bargy here.

There's more tea bags under the sink.

Don't use the ones in the shop.

I don't drink counterfeit.

Carl?

CARL: Yeah?

[music playing]

Phone the police!

Say what?

Just phone the police!

[music playing]

He saved my life.

Next time try and get saved by someone who isn't

a human fucking compost heap!

I'm proud to call that man friend.

MIMI: Might need some stock.

I'm hitting the old folks' home.

PADDY: Got something on.

How many bags are left?

Five.

Isn't that enough?

Don't know.

The oldies are mad for the weed.

What are you doing?

PADDY: Got a meet.

Who With?

Someone from yesteryear.

25 yesteryears, to be precise.

Who?

Other Paddy.

Other Paddy?

PADDY: Hmm.

My other Paddy?

Are you gonna get stuck in?

It's gonna talk all of you to batter that door down.

I don't even know how he's locked himself

in there, the little wanker! - No need.

Tom's had special training.

All right.

At the negotiation workshop, they said talk first,

and you won't have to act later.

Rubbish.

Oy!

STAN: You had hair cut?

Have I fuck.

Every day, they find a new way to rob us.

What are you looking at?

I'm sorry.

It's just when you're angry, your eyes--

[sizzling]

Sorry.

Don't be weird, Stan.

Tom here.

Want to tell me your name?

KID: Fuck off.

I'm from Ireland.

I-- I've got six brothers and sisters.

And--

Ain't got time to bore him out.

TOM: What are you doing?

[scream]

CARRIE: You're nicked.

[coughing]

You're all costing me more than the other.

Uh, sorry about that.

Tear gasoline.

No one can go in.

Oh, no.

I like a good weeping.

Search her when she leaves.

PADDY: Why now?

He'll have heard the words about you inside.

Moved up a division.

No, I'm famine potatoes to him.

Could be getting nostalgic for the things he's lost.

Doesn't matter if he is.

I know I plumped for the perfect Paddy.

The poorer Paddy.

MIMI: Look at this palace.

Every dream fulfilled.

He's dodgy.

You need me with you.

I can wrap him round this.

You don't lose that.

Your man will think I'm pussy-whipped.

MANDY: Oh, come on, Dad.

Meet him first.

Then I'll bump into you in the pub.

We're a team, you and me.

I'm getting off, too.

Picking up a car.

Dad's bankrolled us.

New business-- executive transport.

Dad coughed up for that?

Lent.

You spanner.

Oh, I suppose you can put me right, eh?

[music playing]

Tia Maria and Coke.

And a pint for shitty drawers.

You couldn't stretch to a couple of Es, could you?

My fucking ribs hurt.

You look nice, Mimi.

Assisting Paddy with a bit of business.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Patrick Donald Maguire.

It's good to see you, kid.

Huh?

Long time.

Aye, Paddy. How's yourself?

Fine.

Sure.

Five-year stretch is bullshit.

At our age, we could do 10 years without blinking.

Am I right?

And don't shite yourself.

I'm not asking you to get sent down for me.

Come away.

I'm right for a wee bit of entertainment.

Well, I'm guessing a drink would sit nicely, then.

Huh?

Ah, well, the bar's first stop.

But what I really missed was filthy women.

My balls are as heavy as avo-fucking-cados, Patrick.

Huh?

I know that look.

Have you laid one on for me?

Have you?

Huh?

Patrick.

Patrick, yeah!

Haven't you so?

Huh?

On and away.

Two Guinness, son.

OTHER PADDY: Ooh, is this her?

She would do me.

She fucking wouldn't.

OTHER PADDY: Oh, Jesus.

It's not that, is it?

Riding on a joybag.

I only need something to hold on to.

I don't want to get smothered by some great ass,

for Christ's sake!

[music playing]

Mimi.

I'm so sorry.

It just come out all twisted.

I've been away a long time, Mimi.

I said I'm sorry.

Don't be like that.

[music playing]

That's a terrible mistake I just made there, kid.

And I'm truly contrite.

I am.

If I could take my words back--

but it is a good time to remind you my people always

know who I'm seeing.

Now, you think of Mimi, the kiddies.

You put your pride in your pocket, big man.

Very bad trouble is only a wee phone call away.

[music playing]

[crying]

[music playing]

That is executive transport?

Two minutes in business and you've

already lost your one customer.

Congratulations.

Congratulations - What?

PADDY: I wanted something incon-fucking-spicuous!

Not a mobile puss palace!

Fucking joke!

I think he's cute, if it's any consolation.

Jesus, Mickey.

Just trying to be nice.

You're so desperate.

I've got a date.

Well, I take it all back.

I'm sorry.

I would have come in on it with you, but Paddy's rates--

go tits up paying him back.

Look, he's not a charity!

He's got-- where you off?

School.

What for?

Checking out one of the teachers.

Hot for cock, but who isn't?

Well, I was gonna offer you a lift, but you can walk.

IAN: It's a bit pink for me, anyway.

I'm not that out.

It's fuchsia!

[music playing]

It was a judgment call, and I may-- may--

have erred in that judgment.

But you have to remember who he is, the little piece of scum!

I wanted to saw his ugly fucking head off!

But I couldn't!

I'm sorry.

I've let you down.

What did he want?

PADDY: Dunno yet.

We didn't get righted.

Got to meet him again later.

Gave you time off to come after me?

Very good of him.

What do you think when you look at me?

What?

What do you see?

I see my fabulous wife, the mother of my children,

the woman who I love and adore more than the very world.

You don't notice I've kept me baby weight?

I don't care about that.

Prove it.

Fuck me.

Fuck me now.

Christ, Mimi, you know this fucking hernia.

I can't!

You haven't slipped me one for months.

Since I've had this!

It's printed in your eyes.

You've stopped fancying me.

Never!

You're the same as him!

Me and that twat?

Mimi, every curve straight from the angels.

I know what you think, what you see.

I do not, would never, ever think of you as fat.

What did you fucking say?

I don't think of you as fat!

I can't believe you used the fucking F word in my presence!

Whoa, whoa!

Easy there!

Why don't you kill me?

It'd be easier to take!

You homeless bastard!

[music playing]

Oh, fuck.

What's up?

Nil, I hope.

So what do you reckon, then?

Not exactly Alan Titwank, are you?

I've not used it for cutting wood before, have I?

Takes practice.

Well, it's a saw, you toss.

What else is it for?

If I told you that, Norma, I'd have to waste your ass.

I'm not scared of you.

I'm not scared of-- oh, the mouse!

A mouse, a mouse, mouse, Out mouse!

You bastard.

[music playing]

Why have you got the best bed?

I own it.

I'll have the bed I want.

What's wrong with one of the flats?

Well, you wouldn't want your old man

hanging around in one of them cruddy rat holes, would you?

I've got a date later.

Well, I won't try and join in.

I can't.

Not with the old--

it won't be long.

Your ma's totally gone off her nut.

It's a woman thing, temporary.

She'll keep a couple of days, won't she?

Who?

The slut, your date.

Not that one!

A present.

That'll spur her into [inaudible]..

A special one.

Start the Twatmobile, Twatman!

We need petrol.

Well, get some!

Oy!

Fucker!

No, no, no.

Look, you should be careful with it.

You know, I am a veg.

Stop it!

Me snake isn't.

You got a snake?

Python.

Oh.

I-- I used to have an iguana.

Oh?

Yeah.

PADDY: I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Forgive us?

[door opening]

I've never been right about food and all that shite.

It doesn't matter to Dad.

It does!

Matters to everybody, matters to me!

Could lose weight if you really wanted to.

Weren't any fat people came out of concentration camps.

No.

They all look like you.

Fuck off.

You fuck off!

Sorry.

Yeah.

Sorry.

You think it's 'cause I've no willpower?

I've never said that.

Food, looks, weight-- blight of my life.

If you're an alcoholic, you stop drinking.

You can't stop eating!

It's always fucked me up, always there.

And how many times have you heard me mention it to you?

How many times have you heard me moan about me ass or me looks?

Never!

You've never heard it because I was determined never to pass

all that shit onto my daughter!

And I haven't!

That's willpower!

I knew it would drive me Paddy away one day.

It hasn't.

You told him to go.

I don't need a man who wants me out of habit.

I need a man who fucking wants me!

He's stopped.

He can't!

I'm starving.

Is there any of them double chocky chips left?

All I've got left of my marriage is little Leslie here.

It's not really serious, is it?

Go!

All right.

I'll help, Mom.

You can lose weight.

I don't want to stop drinking or eating or do any exercise.

Do you have a diary?

Write down everything you eat.

We'll see where we are.

[music playing]

Starting the engine cost a tenner.

I can't hire it out 'cause I've got

me dad's massive pants drying on the heater and his drawers

all over the back seat.

Polishing the fucker's the only thing I can afford to do.

Whoa.

You knew it were gonna cost you.

Why'd you buy it?

Somewhere to bring lads back.

Not that I can do that now.

And the business.

I'm sick of being the family chimp.

I'm not gonna meet its first payment.

Job going in the pub? - No chance.

What, there must be!

I'm not having you feeling me up every time

there's a quiet patch.

- I wouldn't. - No, Mickey.

- Oh-- - No!

How was sir?

Keen ass.

You joking?

I'm seeing him tonight.

It's a bit pink. Isn't it, mate?

It's not pink!

[music playing]

Hi, mate.

How's it hanging? - Not good.

Not good.

She's holding this one against me.

Really is.

And I don't know how to live without her.

Well, if you take my advice, drink through it.

You getting 'em in?

Usual, Frank?

Yeah.

Get us a chaser, too.

Good to see that you're early.

Cold Guinness, angel.

So let's try and sort this business.

[music playing]

You've splashed out on that, haven't you?

Good job you're minted.

I am compared to someone who's got fuck all.

Well, I know you're all right.

For sure, you've been dealing out my best patches while I've

been rotting away inside.

And only an idiot would lose money on them ones.

And you're not an idiot.

Are you, Paddy?

Are you an idiot?

I'm only joking.

If I wanted to post some lead up your ass,

I'd be snuggling your colon by now.

What? Fuck's sake.

What?

But It's not still Mimi, is it?

Sure that's all sorted out.

Let's not fall out over a few pounds, hey?

Especially not the ones on you--

your old lady's ass.

Fucking little fuck!

Ow!

Oh, that's fucking smart, that!

Very fucking-- - Come on!

Come on.

You small-time fuck!

When you want to die?

When I go home, or when I don't go home?

Your choice.

Oh, is this your diary?

It's all right.

Biscuits?

We need a professional.

No.

I've tried everything.

I'm beyond help. Hypnosis--

It's not working.

It's not.

Kept waking up with marshmallows in me hair.

Turned me into an unconscious sleep eater.

Tried exercise.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Anytime.

Only takes a moment to feel all right.

Get fresh at the weekend.

Gave me a raging appetite.

I put weight on.

Only time I lost weight was in prison.

Nothing else works.

I could help.

No, you can't.

I'll never be thin, never be desirable again.

Got to face what I am.

I'm a bulimic who can't stand vomit.

We can try.

No, Mandy, love.

I am fat.

I'm a fat fuck.

I'm a fucking fat fucker.

Where did these come from?

Mandy's mom gave 'em off.

CARL: You trying to show us up?

Me?

I saw you at school, sniffing round Scotty.

I didn't see that. We were having a gas.

I know what you were doing.

I thought you were cool with the gay thing.

That's got nothing to do with it!

It's school, Ian!

I get taught by him!

He were all over us.

Very good, Carl.

Top of the class.

I look like a right twat in front of Sarah.

Well, you tipped me off!

He's my teacher!

So what?

I'll see who I like.

Debbie, love, can I squeeze these into your cupboard?

There's absolutely no space in that teensy room of ours.

DEBBIE: What?

[music playing]

Leslie?

Leslie?

Leslie, come to Mommy.

Can't find her anywhere.

Leslie, a he.

Well, a leg of lamb's missing off outside, as well.

You didn't snaffle it, did you?

You cheeky bastard.

Leslie will have had it.

Oh, he'll be back when he's hungry.

Don't throw me out.

Don't.

I've got something for you.

Come with me.

Come on.

Mimi.

NORMA: Oh!

SHANE: Oh, nice one, Norma.

Yeah.

Out again.

There you are.

Come on. Din-dins, Butch.

He won't take it.

- Maybe as he's not hungry. - He should be.

Here, lift the bed up.

[laughing] Look at that.

He looks like he's been--

NORMA: What?

It's the dog.

It's me mom's dog!

He's had it!

Oh.

Oh, don't go off on one.

You don't know for sure.

OK, now you know for sure.

SHANE: I'm toast.

I'm dead.

I'm totally fucking dead!

[music playing]

That's how much I love you.

What have you done?

He's for you.

What do you want me to do with your gift?

Are you losing your fucking mind as well as your touch?

It's not about him!

It's about you and me!

It's about me!

I can't believe you'd do something like that.

What have you done, Paddy?

Piss flaps!

We are neck-high. - We?

Where's the we come from?

It's naught to do with me.

I did help with your fence.

[inaudible] then.

Okey-dokey, Einstein.

Plan.

NORMA: Get another dog, hope she doesn't notice.

I mean, she's had it no time. They all look the same.

Do they?

Aye They all look like Mimi.

You should be more sympathetic.

She's got body issues.

Oh, who hasn't?

She should get over herself.

Pathetic.

You're as bad as Mom.

I didn't mean that.

What's going on, baby cakes?

Oh.

It's the money you owe Dad.

I can't say.

Ow!

How much interest he charging?

Let go!

I can't tell!

Ah!

The usual rate.

I can't afford it.

He's gonna break me legs.

Again!

Two more here, Karen.

Oh, still got the girl trouble.

I'm lost.

Without her, I'm lost.

I've done something stupid.

And there's no way out.

Yeah, but, yea, there's plenty of more fish in the sea.

You know, get straight back on the horse.

All that John Bobbins.

Do you know, Frank, I've been thinking,

what's worse than being owed something?

House fire, cluster bomb.

Owing someone.

See, I you.

And it's beginning to gnaw at me.

Understand?

Yeah.

So I want to pay you in full, discharge my debt,

back to quits Would that be acceptable if I asked nicely?

Uh, yeah.

Suppose so.

Good.

Two, mind.

Not one.

Couldn't lend us a score, could you?

I'm down to bare bones.

Shh!

[music playing]

How are we gonna dig our way out of this?

Easy.

Just--

I can't let you go.

And you can't kill me or keep me here.

No word of a lie, my people do know where I've gone.

I am truly sorry for what I said.

But if I don't turn up sooner, then there's

gonna be some sick violence, really sick.

Let me go, kid.

Do it now, and there'll be no comeback, no crutches,

no hard feelings, nothing.

Guarantee?

My word.

That it?

After what we had?

You know you can trust me.

I've only ever had the highest regard for you.

You were a desert island fuck for me.

You were nearly my Paddy.

Could have been you sat in front of the telly

scratching your balls and hating me for going to fat.

I would not be like that.

You'd love the enemy?

Of course.

Remember me?

You know I am a man of honor, don't you?

Hardly given you a moment's thought.

But I do remember you.

I remember why I dumped you and all.

You're a lying asshole.

Ah.

Mimi, you're a fat, stupid bitch, you are.

That was your last chance to save your limpdick Paddy!

Won't be getting a hard-on with his blood

all over the fucking pavement!

What are you doing?

IAN: Falling over.

What time is it?

Where have you been?

You've seen him, haven't you?

None of yours.

I asked you not to!

You've gone and shagged him haven't you?

You didn't ask me anything.

You're a selfish wanker.

Oh, cock off, pigtits.

What are you talking about?

Put that out!

What have I told you?

No more fires.

Carl.

It's exactly the same.

Apart from personality, you vicious little twat!

NORMA: Should we leave it in the yard for her to find?

Yeah, um, I've just got to put this on, pierce its ear,

and we're done.

Pierce its ear?

Yeah, she put an earring in.

Which is gay side?

Gay side?

You, she won't want a gay dog, will she?

What's gayer than a fucking hair dog?

[growl]

SHANE: [scream]

Perfect.

I like you, too.

Do you want a brew?

Stop nosing about, Debs!

I'm not.

I'm making one!

I'm all right, ta.

Mr. Scott.

You all right, sir?

Did not know you two were a couple.

What are you doing?

You left this.

It's not mine.

Isn't it?

Well, now.

Now it looks like I've come up with an obviously

transparent excuse just to see you again, doesn't it?

I wouldn't leave your car out there.

MR. SCOTT: Half a mo.

I've got your homework here.

That was relatively inventive, Carl.

And you should try copying Carl, Sarah, hmm?

Instead of Dave Martin's hopeless effort,

which is the highway to a C-minus.

I better be going.

What, now?

SARAH: Yeah.

I'll call you.

Whatever.

Oh, piss!

Got the right sex, didn't you?

It was a dog, not a bitch.

Leslie!

Oh!

Look what I found.

Hello, gorgeous!

Where's his tattoo?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I was supposed to fucking know that?

What was it?

Who did it?

Inky Bob.

And

Inky Bob?

You know, the one with the--

Well, that explains it.

Doesn't use proper ink.

Look at that.

It's not there.

Exactly.

Guess who did mine?

Inky fucking Bob

Oh, fucking-- that fucking Inky Bob!

Please tell me you didn't go to see him.

NORMA: Totally faded.

Fraud.

MIMI: Is everyone a bastard?

You're wasting your time.

Bank won't give him the steam off its piss,

never mind a three-grand loan.

Will if I'm with him.

Make sure he gives his real name.

Are we setting off, or can I kill the engine?

Petrol and that.

Are we going anywhere?

I'm not helping you with Mom if you don't do this for Mickey.

Turn the engine off.

Come back here.

You're really patient with this heir apparent bollocks.

[door handle rattling]

What sort of a fucking car is it?

Well done setting up the business, son.

I'm proud of you.

I'm canceling the loan.

It's a gift.

Oh, Dad!

Yeah, yeah.

MANDY: I'll speak to her.

It's all in her head.

We hate you being apart.

Hate you being in here, too.

Uh, but that's not the main reason.

MANDY: Is it Dad's fault you got bigger?

Has he been cramming the pies in?

No.

He's never even mentioned your weight.

You've tossed him out 'cause some other bloke said it.

All he wants is to be back with you.

I've seen him.

You may as well have his arms off.

He's better off without me.

Oh, don't whine!

I live with this every day.

This layer of lard has ruined my life,

and now it's ruining Paddy's, too.

He's in a mess 'cause of me and my weight.

I can fix it.

Gonna have him back?

I'm going to fix it.

[music playing]

MANDY: What are you doing?

Looking for something for Leslie to chew.

Look, I've got things I need to do.

I might be going away.

I've messed up, but I found a way out for your dad,

for everybody, for the best.

Look after him for me.

He was your dad's last present.

Mom.

Mom, where you going?

SHANE: Dad!

Dad!

You've got to go find Mom.

Why?

She's just acting weird.

Gun's gone missing.

Which gun?

The one in wardrobe.

You don't think she's gonna--

She'd never do that.

Shit.

It's not that bad.

He's just been chucked.

He's gonna the piss ripped out of him.

You've been an asshole, Ian.

It is that bad.

You told me someone fancied me.

I followed it up.

Hey, if I told you, I don't know,

Gabby Patterson fancied you, you'd be straight round.

She's not a fucking teacher.

It's not 'cause you're gay, Ian.

It's 'cause it's weird.

It'd be the same if Debbie went out with him.

No, that'd be worse.

Debbie?

I've just been in your room, and I couldn't

help but noticing your bed.

You think you're getting my room?

Just try it.

'Cause your first night will be your last.

I'll slit your throat.

You're never sleeping in my room,

never, 'cause it's my room!

And you can't have it!

I couldn't help noticing that your bed was broken.

So I had thought we could get you a new one out the catalog

because I've already ordered you new curtains.

So you don't want my room?

No.

Oh.

OK, then. I'll have a new bed.

Ta.

[music playing]

There is a way out of it.

And it solves all our problems.

Fat bitch shoots you!

I hold me hands up.

A crime of passion.

You screwed me over years back, and I've never got over it.

But he isn't to blame.

He gets to move on without the hindrance

of a wife he no longer wants!

[muffled shouting]

How many wives would do that for their husbands?

Always said I was one in a million, didn't I?

Put that down.

Put that down.

You're trying to get me off the hook, are you?

Shoot him, and I'm an accessory.

We'll both go down.

What's the plan now?

How did this happen?

It's totally fucking obvious.

I love you.

I don't want to be just friends!

PADDY: Neither do I.

You're not seeing me!

Look at me!

How could you fancy me?

So you're carrying a bit of weight!

Fuck, bollocks to that!

I don't care!

I do fancy you.

Fuck this.

Look what he's done to us.

He's gonna choke.

No, they'll kill you!

I'll do it!

PADDY: And what will I do without you, huh?

Your my foundation.

I'm doing it for you.

I'm doing it for you.

Oh, fucking hell.

Don't let this madness ruin everything.

MIMI: I'm sorry!

PADDY: Christ, Mimi, me too.

Come home.

[music playing]

That the gun from the wardrobe?

- Yeah. - It's hot.

Pull the trigger and we're all going home.

You're framing me?

PADDY: Our protection.

We're in shite if we kill you and shite if we don't.

Security guard had his ear whacked off with that.

Recent, too-- after you got out.

It'll be made up to find your prints on it.

Should be good for 10 with your record,

not that you'd blink.

By the way, what did you want to see me about?

I'm retiring, off to Cyprus.

Wanted to sell you one of my patches to go with the ones

you stole.

Think I'll ask somebody else.

All done.

And no one got hurt.

[music playing]

Home.

I'm sorry.

That were totally fucking--

I'm sorry.

I didn't like being told what to do by you.

I'm a dickhead.

Will that do?

Don't go overboard.

Am I forgiven?

You did tip me off about Gabby Patterson.

[music playing]

What?

You told me she fancied me.

No, I used her as an example.

No way.

No!

She let me feel her tits.

No.

Straight off.

IAN: So did Mr. Scott.

CARL: Think she'll wank me off next week.

Yeah.

Mr. Scott'd definitely wank me off.

We'd better get out.

He's here now.

Oh, quick. hide!

- Thought you liked him. - What?

Course not.

He's a teacher!

And he's hairier than a gibbon.

CARL: A gibbon!

IAN: [monkey noises]

(SINGING) The first time ever I saw your face,

I thought the sun rose in my eyes.

Don't.

Just do me, promptly.

PADDY: Lead the way.

[laughing]

[music playing]

FRANK: I'll tell you what is really fucking [inaudible]----

waking up in the morning, putting one foot in front

of the other, looking at the wife and kids,

and not topping yourself.

PADDY: Oh!

My fucking hernia!

[music playing]

Yeah, you're the first person I've had back here.

In fact, I've been a bit short recently.

Fucking desperate for a shag.

Yeah?

Well, why don't we make something of it, then?

Haven't you got homework tonight?

It's a school day tomorrow, isn't it?

Long holidays to plan.

Oh, come on.

Get it down you.

[music playing]