Original subtitles

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.

Come and watch [inaudible].

He's making a mess of the lives they were given by

and what was [inaudible].

And kids, they're convinced actually theirs.

What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing mommy.

Or wives in your face.

Because it's people reckon and me included.

These are my mom's groups kind the invented.

The Camisole downstream going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estates basic essentials.

We are worth every penny we grind in your axes.

what you shall not have bought you pay the taxes.

Imagine it without [inaudible] and buccanneers.

who will come in your face of the price of a beer.

Policy history she now she

Photographs can do the total opposite

of jogging your memory.

The second you press [inaudible] you sacrifice

the right to recollections.

You can stare at a picture till doomsday

but you won't smell smells, won't hear voices.

And all the rumpy pumpous surrounding the snapshot.

They say the camera never lies.

Photos don't claim any memory beyond the thin white rims.

I wish I'd known this earlier.

We did not enjoy the horrors of childbirth seven times

to populate this lonely planet.

And I did not work my fingers to the bone.

Both inside and outside!

Put it right on our table!

Norma, zigzag through the most hamfisted civil war in history

to have to take it right up the shitter!

Paying for these devil's dildos!

You're up [inaudible] hours doing crossword.

Zambia won't be cheap, will it?

[shouting]

Yeah, well, she's my sister, and I miss her.

And nobody should have to pay to speak to a fuckin' nun!

Not their fault you've not been invited.

It's Izzy's funeral.

Me, at Izzy Ahmed's funeral?

Shane says he poached my slot machines racket

while I'm in the slammer.

Hm?

Same Izzy Ahmed I lent 10 grand to to pay for his wedding.

The cellmate who saved your life from the rotunda?

Now dead.

Izzy.

Making him the second one.

Bam!

God--

Ring Cenista.

Ask her if you can go.

Can't.

Don't know where my phone is.

Haven't got a suit black enough.

They're Indians.

You have the shade [inaudible].

They'd love you for.

Plus, new rule--

elbows off the table while the telly's on.

Starting Monday.

Now, everybody gone before I sit down for a bit of me time.

Fuck.

What's up?

Well, for a unit up at full bursary.

All three.

So is that it?

Going to Durham?

When?

Nottingham.

We decided.

Council students on full bursary statistically

are more likely to die under the age of 25.

Ian!

That's horrible.

They're not used to the money.

Always waving it about.

Magnets for muggings.

So the cost nosedives, plus straight back to council 07.

Why is that going to kill anyone?

Getting swatted for all the mess they left behind.

Different accents, and using big words.

Well done, mate.

And you.

Come here.

You told me these were our rejections.

So, what?

They changed their minds?

All three?

Or were you just bullshitting me?

Because if you were, we need to talk about this.

Cause I'm feeling a bit left out.

I wasn't going to go if I didn't get the money.

Which meant--

I told him to.

We know.

We all do.

We're not struggling just for my sake.

Yeah.

How clever is he, then?

Tell your daddy how proud you are.

Of your daddy.

Why you's all crying?

It's what you wanted.

I mean, how's a guy not feel threatened by mortality?

When he's lost two of his closest friends

and worst tenants within the space of a month.

Could you?

What I meant earlier was it's possible that you're

in the throes of a depression--

What you said was dangerously offensive to a man

of my constitution!

Depressed?

For fuck's sake!

I-- I think what I meant was a depression by proxy.

A pretend depression, if you will.

What What kind of stunt's required to fix

this little fucker then, eh?

Uh, antidepressants.

But, um-- placebo-esque ones.

For pretend depression by proxy.

Right you are.

Thank you.

Truth being, Mrs. Ahmed.

I heard about your son within a fortnight

of Felix Fawcett's demise.

Bloke says the Iranian I shared a cell with.

Like Three Musketeers we were, the four of us.

Me, Felix, as black as you like.

Ronnie Cohen, the only Jew castigated

for making good money, and your beautiful Izzy.

Hm?

Nights on end talking about finding the right girl

he would marry. Ah.

All three so alike.

Uncannily alike when it came to unpaid debts and treading

on my business toes.

No ill of the dead intended, Ahmed, eh?

First among equals, your Izzy.

Ergo drowning with dignity in the privacy

of his own bathroom.

Hm?

You're joking, aren't you?

He can't see mine. It's yours.

But we have to if your mom's not coming.

I'm hoping he's not coming.

Not if he brings that nutter he sees.

Jut like Chris Miles in a jumpsuit.

Hey, listen, it doesn't really matter who comes, anyway.

No one's going to be looking at anyone but the bride.

Especially me.

Oi!

You're supposed to be doing the barrels.

Mm.

Where am I sitting, then?

I'm above it.

Just put me name on your furniture when you split up.

Only give me long enough to save a couple of hundred quid.

[laughter]

[knocking]

[laughter on television]

Sorry.

Not a chance without the remote call.

You can reach controls from here?

I watch telly in bed.

Another 20 and I'll find you a Sky dish,

and I'll get you a state's reach of buttons.

Why the hurry?

Please

All right.

One condition.

You make sure your mom hears about this.

You must tell her that I gave you double that.

I've stopped her pocket money cause "Wezel"

kept catching it off her.

I mean, I know he's your dad, but she

must hate herself to let that bedridden

fuck anywhere near her.

Do us a favor in the meantime.

And you say it loud and clear.

Norma is doing up this van.

Splashing out.

What the shit?

Well, she thinks I've stopped her spends because I'm skint,

but she needs showing that what's mine is hers.

But not until she puts that mongrel asleep.

Spend it on a flat of your own.

I'm not budging from here until she leaves with me.

Which might not happen until I tidy me act up.

Give her a reason to look at me twice.

Sorry, I-- Ta.

[shouting]

Who would you tell first if you was in the shit?

Deep shit.

Running out of time, so you can't breathe properly.

Not long here I'll be going.

What the fuck happened to our Carl?

He's quiet without Lip.

And then, anybody seen Carl?

It's a lot.

A lot quieter.

You can't lend us 500 by Friday, can ya?

[shouting]

What kinda shit did they mix this stuff with?

Go on, make us a brew.

And stop frowning.

[singing "ave maria"]

[clapping]

Ah, if there's no place in Heaven for you's

lot when the time comes, someone's getting a punch

in the knickers from me.

Tell 'em I said so.

Whoops.

If you hadn't seen the state of them,

they could have been angels.

But seriously, the first time my hair stood on end.

Are you lot sisters?

We're all at Roswell.

Rehabilitation Defenders Showcase, down Wellington Road?

Well, in that case you should be extra proud of yourselves.

Right.

Sizes, so the seamstress can cut the patterns out.

Who's first?

Why didn't you tell me it switched?

Mom told--

Remember, outside boots.

When I went, singers had a change of plan.

Bad news for Aunt Hillary.

She's been summoned to Crown Court.

And you went, is Angela the scraggy ginger deaf one?

Karen, you didn't!

- And I said, yeah. - Dickhead.

No!

But I think she'd prefer little red headed stunner

with a hearing impairment.

We'd better shoot if you don't miss the start again.

Keys, Mickey.

And a lid for Karen.

Watch that [inaudible].

It's running low on juice.

Hey, I'd think twice before singing at his wedding.

This mug's a probation office officer now.

Training to be.

My brother, a probation officer?

That's embarrassing.

Till one of us changes his mind.

Is it all right paying you next week for this gear?

Mom's cool about it.

Will you stop talking to me like a total stranger?

Just don't be caught retailing.

You see, you've been doing that for years.

I've found more scaggs than Longford.

Teaching dozy pregs how not to get caught

is economic imperative.

I can't operate franchises with a labor force in prison.

No comparison to the scale of defection you're contemplating.

I need you to know that I love you--

more than words could ever describe.

I'm sorry about your mate, Dad.

How humiliating, huh?

Ignore me.

Shut the door.

Behind you.

A very warm welcome back to our third weekend

of your probation induction course.

At Anderton Lodge, of all places.

Ba-dum tsh!

Welcome.

Welcome back.

Particularly special thanks to you wives, husbands,

joining us now.

For dedicating you time and effort

supporting your partners.

Helping them back into the mainstream.

And more importantly, start putting

something back into society.

Using their first hand service user experience to hopefully--

touch wood-- turn one or two scaggs

from our beloved public housing sector

into responsible citizens.

And tax payers.

Swallow that, you'll swallow anything.

Only messing.

Believing it, didn't ya?

Reputation to uphold.

It's only Jamie.

Your mom has got a big--

Comedy calling.

Uh, I am talking here, Mrs. Maguire.

Uh, so am I, pal.

[applause]

Ian?

Somebody after a pint of [inaudible]..

No, it's a pint and two E's.

2 quid each.

250 after 10:00.

It's me, now that I am the captain

of this little ship while [inaudible]

is away on maternity.

With little baby Jason.

Now, who she incubated for profit.

Charging that young couple a fortune.

So can people please stop passing

cards at the bar for them to send on without stamps?

(SINGING) Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.

They'll tell you she had 18 stitches.

Aw!

Oh, god!

Is that all?

(SINGING) Giving all your love to just one man.

Oh, god, shutting the shop down.

Oh, what? - Banging it in.

I'm shooting off.

Aw, but you came to see the hypnotist.

He'll be on in a sec.

Yeah, and he'll kill you there, dyke.

Regress to a past life.

Jackal with two dicks and one eye.

When I've just got you a drink in.

Don't be a giver upper.

Well, if you're twisting me arm, like.

(SINGING) And tell the world you love him.

I think you're in pain, Norma.

Get the chocolate clown up!

(SINGING) Stand by your man!

FRANK: Money pays off.

[applause]

What if you weren't just starting

the van up to sit here waiting, but actually

making it drivable?

As if any second now you'll be setting off somewhere else.

Somewhere brilliant.

Like America.

Well, it's not mine to drive off.

Exactly.

But if you give us a oner for the [inaudible],,

you can say you're driving through Texas.

Yours for a oner, but I need the money by Friday.

Get fucked.

Beg pardon.

I didn't mean you.

Mom!

What's Norma doing the van up for?

To go to Texas?

If you're saying stupid stuff cause you're sleep walking,

I'll have to fetch somebody else.

Because it freaks me out.

Naw.

She is.

Texas.

With that blonde boo with the big tits.

See her sneaking in and out sometimes.

She a mate of yours?

Probably.

Who have you been seeing at four in the morning?

Finding a petrol station.

You filled it when we set off.

Not with, uh--

rubbers.

Chocolates.

And, uh, most importantly--

wrapping paper.

What is it?

Well, the whole point to traveling miles

was to keep you guessing a little bit longer.

Go on.

We don't do the rings yet, you knob.

This one's allowed any time.

Eternity ring.

Wow.

I've never known what eternity rings meant before.

I know what the word means.

You're mad sometimes, you.

God, this is doing my head in.

Hey.

This is yours.

From me.

For life.

Forever.

Oh, man.

Yo.

Mom?

Do you mind?

Do you mind?

Mom!

Fuck's sake, Carl.

Grow up.

And put some weight on.

Cow!

What?

Cow!

Cow?

What?

Know what?

You can all get fucked, eat shit, and die.

Cause I ain't gonna be here much longer.

Hey--

Not that I'm bitching about your estimate.

Because you know I'm a great believer in you

get what you pay for.

It's just, you know, I expect it to be perfect for that price.

Have you seen this?

She's spending money like it's fucking water.

Is that all you ever think about?

Money?

Well-- well, you said that she was totally obsessed with ya.

Well, of course she is. It's as plain as day.

Right, well, just--

just tell her that you need more proof.

Enough to get us by till Friday. - [sigh]

Go on.

Oh!

Fuck, no, wait.

Wait.

Oh.

Just-- just get out there and get some spends.

Now, look-- where is your lipstick?

I've fucking turned into Super Nanny now.

I'm a fan of first impressions.

I'm telling you, Norma, this little home--

I can turn it into a palace.

[knocking]

Knock knock.

Heard voices.

Just thought I'd check you're not being burgled.

[inaudible].

We don't stare.

Something I learn to get used to.

After 9/11, we are all potential terrorists.

Couldn't lend us 30, could you?

Get food for the kiddies.

How many kids?

Six.

Mostly underweight.

I'd hate to impose.

Say if you're skint.

Top hat and tails.

Anyway, I look like an overdressed undertaker.

If Karen is having a scarlet wedding dress,

you want something a bit more cocked and formal.

I had to get wed in a turquoise twin set.

Top were turquoise, pants were purple.

I burned all the [inaudible]

The scarlet thing--

that's just for the bridesmaids.

Bridesmaid, you said?

I hope so.

The family that got me this is on remand now.

The bride.

And scarlet?

[inaudible] fucking harlot.

Tell me somebody's taking the piss.

I want to get married in white.

Just white.

It was your idea.

No it wasn't, Mimi.

When?

I meant it was his idea.

Me?

I says to you how our new [inaudible] going to look

fabulous in your white organza, and you went quiet

on account of white organza, reminding

you of less happy occasions.

i.e. what your dear mother insisted

on wearing to be buried in.

Yeah?

I told you that?

Et cetera.

Unless, of course, you never meant a bleeding word of it.

Because it's truer than he thinks.

Patrick Maguire can't hold his ale anymore.

[laughter]

Is that it?

Can this one manage without the doorbell on the big day?

Or this that gonna bugger up your [inaudible]??

[high pitched screaming]

Oh, bugger!

This isn't funny, Jamie!

It's pathetic.

What, your blokes [inaudible] ring around ya?

It's only a dress.

Shouldn't anybody think for themselves?

Because the family falls apart when they try to.

She's just a low rate, loud mouth drug

dealing in a shitty little dump like this.

Charging over the odds, more than people can afford,

ripping people off, scaring people shitless till they

hate her fucking guts!

What have you fucked out for them?

You get what you pay for.

Right, you two.

Inside for your tea.

Chips again, I'm afraid, but it's all I can afford.

Just have to hope my lucky numbers

come up in the rollover draw.

Where's the chips, then?

Nearly ready.

Just need peeling.

Carl?

Hey!

Hey!

I know it needs plugging in.

To do what?

I don't know exactly, but resale's 80.

Yours for 30.

Which is--

Shit.

Hello, Yvonne.

Best price for a bottle of bubbly

for the hard working civil service.

Uh, if you're not too snobby, I've got the Bosnian stuff.

Uh, tenner a piece, or 3 for 30.

Wanna get silly and go for three?

Three apiece, Yvonne.

Somebody's birthday?

Somebody's death.

Ron Cohen, as seen on TV.

Panorama. Welding action.

The lot.

Most hard faced landlord to walk this town.

Owned half of Chadwick Green.

The knobs say poisoning from his own central heating.

Cheers, mate.

Where'd you get this?

Shit.

A-- a customer left it.

You know, I tried preordering and they said 12 week wait.

How much?

Oh, well, they retail at over 90,

but if you join the Christmas club with 20 quid up front,

I could let you have it for 75.

Sold.

We'll check round later.

Brilliant.

See ya.

20 was said, innit?

NEWSCASTER: By legal action on no less than 25 occasions.

One occasion was famously scheduled

for a high court hearing that never made

its day because the plaintiff--

Paddy?

Hey.

Hey, hey.

What's the matter?

Come on, Paddy.

I'll go get Mimi.

Mimi?

No!

Ron Cohen.

Monoxide poisoning.

That's someone seriously taking the piss out of me now.

You know what you need?

You need a drink.

Taxi, please, Yvonne.

I think I've got some easy jet miniatures in the back.

Somewhere.

Ronnie Cohen.

Last time I saw him--

bowling alley.

Hardcore ding-dong as only close friends can.

Went too far.

I know injuries on that scale weren't my intention.

We agreed to truce.

Mutual admirers, keeping our distance.

Him more than me.

He worshipped me.

Third musketeer.

Dying.

Gone!

Carbon monoxide poisoning.

Izzy Ahmed, topped himself.

Felix Fawcett, suicide.

I'm really sorry.

How much longer have I got?

I'm the fourth musketeer.

And I don't see Satan stopping at three.

Do you?

So what I was wondering was what

somebody with a wonderful imagination

would think about that.

Well, I'd really want to know how

much you really need to do a parachute

jump before committing here.

This might be the only chance I get where

the time is this right for me.

Can't you nip in and talk about this?

No, not really.

Family and everyone want everything sorting for 'em.

You're the funny money wizard.

The best.

You know you are, so don't get coy with me, missy.

NORMA: I'd want to know exactly how much--

Oh, don't be like that.

Don't be such a [inaudible].

Let me hear your sunny side up voice.

Mm.

See my tie, Debs?

Imagine me, though, from 1,000 feet.

[doorbell] - Life and limb.

MAN: Hello?

Special delivery.

Could land anywhere.

On top of somebody.

You, maybe.

[screaming]

[crash]

[siren]

[doorbell]

Doesn't stop you winging?

Well, I don't know how much longer I can live without you,

Monica.

The thing is I think it might help get rid of this--

Ah.

That's for 2A.

She's round the back.

Can't you just give it to her?

Could turn me round completely.

I'd rather [inaudible].

Facing me?

MONICA: We've got to use our imaginations, haven't we?

Oh, I want your babs in me mouth, smothering me.

There's a thought.

Quite a lot of thoughts, actually.

Clouds, and steam, and ozone.

And landing there, eh?

It's like watching a film here.

You set my heart on fire when you sit on my face.

Swirling.

[moaning]

MONICA: Turning round.

All the way round.

Loop the loop.

To where?

Hm?

That's the surprise.

Mystery prize for a mystery person.

Say me!

Say my name, mum!

Now! Now!

I'll get back to you when the kids

are school, safe and sound.

All right? - No, no, no!

No, wait. Wait, wait.

[knocking]

Post for ya.

Leave it on the step!

Needs signing for!

Oh, sign it yourself and bug off!

[moaning]

You OK?

Ignore me.

I should listen to what your daddy says, and learn to put

up with this kind of stuff.

What kind of stuff?

Our new Karen treating me like a piece of shit.

You what?

Forget it.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Forget nothing!

What's she been saying?

Mom!

She said something like--

she's just a low rent, loudmouthed drug

dealer in a shitty little dump.

Meaning me.

What can I get you, Mandy?

Got a baseball bat?

Has Mandy come in here?

KAREN: Get off me!

Oi!

Oi, oi!

Come on!

Come on!

Get off!

Get off her!

Come on!

You're not fit to lick my mom's boots!

Never mind showing up in public, you sponging piece of shit!

A Maguire calling me a sponger?

And you, letting this scrubber loose!

Hey, Mandy, Mom's big enough to fight her own battles.

That's exactly what I said.

You must've met enough hairy-ass knob gobblers inside.

Why wait 10 years for a woman?

Best you've come up with is half tramp, half tranny.

You--

Hey!

Mandy!

Get up!

What's your show and tell for the last 10 years, Mand?

[shouting]

You're looking alot like a woman you swore you'd never be.

We're getting off.

Move it.

I'm happy with the changes I've made.

And a child I'd die for.

A pleasure you'll never see.

Not if you get this mutant pregnant.

12 toes and more faces than a town hall clock.

You did all that?

Got a kid?

Me and Lip did, yeah.

Plus plenty of other stuff once we get where we're going.

Yeah, right. Your best laid plan?

More than you've achieved, you fucking--

That's not achievement, you dumb bitch.

You got tanked, got your cacks down.

Let this joker slip you one.

Three minutes tops, nine months to name it,

and the next 20 years convincing yourself that a basic mistake

was actually part of a plan.

No you don't, Jamie.

My Brother or not.

[shouting]

[screaming]

For fuck's sake, Jamie!

How's Lip taking the blame?

You're not the only Maguire with qualifications.

I got an A, six B's, one C. Just for starters.

You know nothing about me!

Oh-- Belle's gone.

Nip down while you're in [inaudible]

to sling a few pints of beer.

Two for yourself.

Here, stick your head back.

Ah!

Don't rub 'em.

Just blink.

Here.

Throw that on your eyes.

Straight off, you and Mandy.

Way sharper than average.

Hello

Yeah, well, I'm guessing neither of you

got an A in maths.

There's no way you can afford to live as a family.

Not in Nottingham, or anywhere else.

How much is your family costing you now?

Every Thursday I shove Mandy 50 quid

for hers and Katie's meals.

It's tough sometimes, but we've stuck to it.

Proved that we can do it.

Every penny.

Bam.

Anything spare, whacked in post office

for when Katie's old enough to blow it on parties, or--

or benders, or whatever.

Imagine that, eh?

When that happens, it's gonna freak me out.

Mandy gets subbed two a week from your dad.

She fuck-- who's told you that?

You see, that's Paddy having you on.

Because I'm covering everything.

200?

Since when?

So what's-- Where's my 50 going?

Lip's starting to guess what nappies cost a week.

Average.

And what's routine output?

Five, six craps a day.

For six or seven for just fluids.

Seven days a week.

Then food, clothes, rent, utilities.

50 can't cover that lot, surely.

Great start, Mand.

If that's how you meant to go on.

Back in your cage.

Cunt.

Why is it always me?

Why is it always me?

Why is it always me?

Because it is!

Cut the racket, you dickless fuck.

What's your problem?

Actually, is there such a thing as a problem?

Hm?

If you truly understand the meaning of the word solution.

Three points for speeding on Chadwick Green.

Aw!

[laughter] And why isn't that funny?

In a post-morden thingy, huh?

Coming from the slowest fucking organism on God's green earth.

You.

For speeding?

I've never even been at Chadwick Green.

Jamie had it that weekend.

Boy.

What?

Why would Jamie be riding your bike in Chadwick Green when

he's in Darbyshire with Karen?

Why did you do this, Mandy?

We needed the help.

But you had me thinking I was supporting the both of us.

Bare faced fucking lies.

Do you even know what this makes me feel like?

Oh, rejection so far, Mandy.

Not a bit bare faced.

Weeks acting depressed.

Me up till three writing letters to the universities,

calling them all kinds of twats for letting you down.

We swore-- both swore--

if we were going to do this, we'd only do it--

Where's the ham and the soap?

If it helps out, we'll need it.

[inaudible].

- That is our backs. - Eat it.

Never mind what that proves.

It's not even close to enough.

Believe what you want, prick.

The only thing that proves without a doubt

is the most important thing Lip needs

is what fucking Lip needs!

So see yourself out, prick.

[alarm]

Hey!

If you get a number that isn't the square root

of an equational logarithm, that's a forfeit, yeah?

Yes.

But if I get a dart in the big circle Bunty,

you have to buy me a drink, yeah?

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh!

Tough.

Industrial standard umbrellas.

Fixed--

Two.

60 quid cause of this muppet.

Will you shut up about the fuckin' ticket?

I've told you it's a technical error.

I'll ring him. - I've tried.

16 times.

So I'll pay the fine.

Can we drop it?

Fine.

But that's me on nine points now.

Another three, bye bye, license.

Then I'm stuffed.

No transport.

Yeah, thanks.

Big deal.

I can't manage without me bike.

You don't go anywhere.

What the fuck's wrong with everyone today?

What are you having a go at me for?

Because you're always winging about not getting laid.

So?

So you're not going to get any cocking around here, are ya?

So?

Because you're not getting mine.

So? Who's asking?

So stop wasting life.

That's pointless enough as it is.

And stop trying to buy me drinks.

[splat]

[screaming]

Oh, come on, Bunty.

You're giving incest a bad name, you dozy bitch.

Grab that first aid kit!

There but for the grace God.

Every one of us, you know?

He threw that.

I need an ambulance!

I think I'm gonna faint!

Oh, don't be so gay.

Well, stick a pencil down his gob.

You know?

Or, um-- you know, a bunch of keys down his kecks.

Well, tell him we need some smelling salts.

Alternatively, tournaquet.

Finger.

How embarrassing is that for a Maguire?

Jamie?

Jamie?

Ian!

Does that feel all right?

Lovely.

Paddy, what are you doing?

Karen, do you know that man?

Paddy, get off!

Paddy, get off!

Out!

Grave error, Karen, taking me for an imbecile.

What have I said now?

Not enough for my liking.

Weekends away with my son--

where is it you two actually go?

Anderton Lodge weekends.

If you say so.

And who's he talking to there?

Anderton Lodge.

It's Jamie's probation course, so he

deals with probation course people,

community liaison coppers.

You know this, Paddy.

You OK?

Paddy, you're scaring me.

Ring the warden, ask the staff, the police,

the probation officers.

Ask the police!

I did.

Indirectly. - And?

- They corroborated. - See?

So I'm asking her again, our nearly

new Karen, what does she know about Ronnie Cohen's death?

Him.

Why the fuck did Jamie want 'em all dead?

One says suicide, the other says accidental death.

I'm aware of that.

But if you know jack shit, why provide

alibis for all three deaths?

Alibis?

We just went on a course.

So how the fuck's he near Cohen's house the night

he died?

He wasn't, though.

Except he was.

Jimmy was clocked speeding Chadwick Green two AM the night

he supposedly tucked up in bed with you in Darbyshire.

[muffled shouting]

You do know.

Nothing.

But you do know that I'm not loopy,

thinking what I'm thinking?

Thank you.

[music playing]

[music stops]

Actually, do you mind?

Helps me focus.

[music playing]

Cohen, Ahmed, Fawcett.

They'd agreed to close you down, Dad.

Come again?

Last October, when Cohen got paroled.

He persuaded them all to put the reds together.

Regarding me?

To get you.

They were going to move in on your patch.

Everybody I've ever shared a cell with?

Aggressive envy's a pulse of economics.

Envy's about wanting what someone else has got.

Jealousy's about taking it away from them.

Don't sell me [inaudible],, you Open University prick.

These specimens were total lightweights.

Worse than harmless.

Not if they joined forces.

There is no patch.

That's not my business model.

I'm in little patches.

Invisible patches.

Scattered patches all over the shop.

Precisely engineered to prevent the Fawcetts, Ahmeds, Cohens

getting the faintest whiff of what makes Patrick Maguire

a man of his time.

These jokers-- they weren't capable of joiing three dots,

you fucking barbarian.

No.

But our Fergal was joining the dots for them.

Fergal was on Izzy Ahmed's payroll.

So help me--

get out your butt again, and I'll kick you right up there

with him to make apologies!

Profit

Only had been since last September!

[gasping]

A villa in our Fergal's name.

Izzy bought him that as a downpayment.

I heard whispers from a new cellmate.

I couldn't get you involved.

You'd have waded in, and you'd have whacked the lot of them.

No thought for consequences.

Life for murder.

And a pleasure.

Not for Mom.

Not for your family.

And especially not for me, who was this close to a release

date.

That's why you suddenly reversed your plea.

After 10 years denying it.

I needed parole because you needed help.

I've helped.

Was it them fuckers that whacked Fergal?

He was going to bottle it.

And they couldn't risk him grassing to you.

Source for that.

The horse's mouth.

Felix Fawcett.

Just before he topped himself.

[screaming]

Good boy.

He didn't.

He's lying again because-- he couldn't have.

Anderton Lodge.

He'd never left my side.

Except for the last time.

I spiked your spliff with PVK.

We both smoked it.

I didn't inhale.

That's why I had massive downers on Mondays.

JAMIE: I only did it so you wouldn't know enough to get

into trouble, Karen.

I'm so sorry.

You're not the only one, Paddy.

So what about your alibi?

Cops at Anderton Lodge.

And me.

What?

Plus me.

Your new Karen.

Who'd she'd agree to be somebody's wife, as opposed

to only being some legal loophole that says she can't

testify against her husband.

You will only marry me for an alibi.

No.

Well, fuck the lot of you's.

It's all very well.

Same goes out the back open miners.

Well, that's 70% of our bleeding regulars.

You watch.

They'll stop us selling lollipops to fat kids next.

All right, that is it!

[shouting]

Stop!

Get the police!

I think you'll find, son, that bag is mine.

We need the police for a mugging.

Carl?

Oh, shit.

Bleeding by the time you get here.

I'm sorry, Yvonne.

I didn't know it were you.

Never mind it's me.

Yvonne!

Hello?

Yeah.

Can I have two [inaudible],, please?

Uh, a lumpus and, uh-- and some pies.

What?

Oh, I'm really sorry.

I've got you both on speed dial.

I must have pressed the wrong number.

Hello?

Keys.

Get the car.

I needed the money.

If we all needed money that badly, Carl, what kind of world

would we be living in, eh?

Got a couple of quid for some smack?

Fuck off!

For what?

For what?

I've got a girl pregnant.

[sigh] How many times have I--

Are you out of your bleeding head?

What have I always told you about condoms?

Why do you think I don't make anything on the mark up, Carl?

They're not luxuries.

You shouldn't even leave the house without checking

there's one in your wallet.

Haven't I always said that?

I haven't got a wallet.

What's her name?

We need to talk about this one, Carl.

Don't you be twatting him. I need him alive.

He's going to be working this off

in shop for a long, long time.

Need you, neither.

Can you nip home and tell the kids where I am?

The kids are in the car.

Why?

What have you brought them here for?

Because it's not your house anymore.

Crawling with cops.

They've sealed it off.

Assets recovery agency.

No one's allowed in until they've recovered all the money

your husband pilfered.

My husband?

Hey!

Get off!

I've worked for years for everything in that house!

It's nowhere near fair!

It's nowhere near fair.

Services have arranged emergency

housing for you and the kids.

[inaudible]

Half my family still live there.

That's all right, then, innit?

[crying]

For what we are about to re--

How come you lot never eat round at yours?

Cause he's put a nail through a gas pipe.

Ah.

For what we are about to--

when?

January.

For what we are about--

but you've turned the gas off?

He did.

For what we are about to receive, may the Lord

make us truly thankful--

Paddy?

Amen.

Where have you been?

What's wrong with an April wedding

if we're claiming to be renegades?

We are in April.

So we are.

Are you out of your fucking mind, Paddy?

No.

Madam, actually, not.

I'm definitely not out of my mind.

But madam, thank you for the concern.

You'd best tell me what the fuck's going on here!

I need this wedding signed and sorted, like Saturday.

Or this world of ours goes tits up forever, Mimi.

You know, we're right to be scared.

Know why?

They're not children anymore.

This got left for you.

Oh!

Watch your step, mind.

How's it go in there?

The refurb?

Never knowingly, and surprising.

Come and have a gander.

Or a goose, even.

Oh my god, Carl.

What have you done?

Need a tenner for the taxi.

Quick, before it's 11.

What have you done now, you big daft [inaudible]??

New rule-- no stamping upstairs when I'm working stuff out!

Tah-dah.

Oh, hello, yeah.

This is Norma Starkey speaking. MAN: Yes, Norma?

I've got one of your people sprucing up my Norma-mobile.

Could you just remind me what that's costing me in total,

please?

MAN: 3,400, plus VAT. - Thank you.

And, um, have you any idea where I'm finding the money?

Carl, who have you got pregnant?

These dreams-- a gimp.

The day he starts multiplying, we all need to start

running and taking cover.

That's all, Lip?

Oh!

Carl?

So what's the secret of your success, eh?

Lip Gallagher, loving the sound of his own smart ass lies.

Stop!

Talking the talk about going somewhere, and being somebody.

Being what?

What?

When you got Mandy pregnant, the only person you talked about

were you.

I'd pay anything not to be like you.

Having to pay for an abortion so I don't end up like you.

Because the first time we have kids,

I want to be the furthest--

the absolute fucking furthest I could from looking

anything like people like you.

Who is it, Carl?

Carl, who is it?

I can't help you if I don't know the facts.

The facts are nobody else's business.

Oh, only me.

We're busy.

Debbie, Yvonne's downstairs.

Says she wants to see you.

She knows.

For fuck's sake, she knows.

It's Meena?

Carl, swear it's not Meena.

Yvonne's Meena?

VOICEMAIL: Hi, it's Karen.

Leave a message.

Maybe she's gone down to her mother's?

Frank might have an address.

When your dad got paroled from Wandsworth

I said if it's taught you nothing else,

you know how to make a decent bed, mister.

It will sort itself out.

We'll find her.

Hero.

Big favor, Debs.

We need somewhere to live.

Of course.

We can make some room for a few days.

I don't need border lodgings.

I've been up for [inaudible].

I've agreed a price the next start.

Just need help with a bed until it gets sorted.

Yvonne?

You can't live here.

I can live where I want if I'm paying in cash, Carl.

Tell her.

Meena's pregnant.

To me.

In her dreams she's pregnant.

Last five lads she tried this on with.

Eh?

How much did she ask you for?

500 by Friday.

What have I told you?

That is blackmail!

So you're not?

This isn't fair!

You spoil everything!

What did that doctor say, Ches?

She needs her medicine, Mrs. Karib.

The shrink we paid for.

Oh.

Two sessions a week.

She'll be right as rain within a year.

Ah!

I don't think so, pal.

Cause you must have got somewhere near

to think she were.

Never again.

Give it your word!

Right.

Lip.

It's Jamie.

Look, I'm sorry about what happened, but I need a favor.

Do you know what time it is, you mad twat?

Yeah, I know, mate.

I'm sorry, but I need an address for Karen's mom.

Well, your dad must know where she's living.

I'm not asking him now.

Just tell him I wouldn't be waking him

up if it wasn't an emergency.

He's not asleep.

So So what's the problem?

Dad!

Dad!

- What? - For you.

- Yeah? - The phone.

For you. - What?

Now?

Yeah?

JAMIE: I just need an address.

Or a landline number.

What?

For Sheila?

I'll give you the number.

The number this week is pick as you wish.

With, uh-- it's bohemian [inaudible]..

Tons of people showing their snatch

on prime time television!

[inaudible], mate.

What?

What's that?

Fuck's all the noise?

FRANK: Don't pull out until I say so!

Sorry, Karen.

It's all mickeys.

I've never used one of these before.

You need warning, though.

Some of this is going to need details that you

won't like listening to.

But it's the only option I have if it's the last chance

I get to clear my name with you.

Don't say you weren't warned.

Forever our child, forever our keeper.

God owes you one.

Night night.

And how long can I work there without applying for a permit

officially?

Well, for the first three months--

sorry, what are you doing?

You can't go in there!

Do one!

If I could just get your credit card number,

we'll be getting on with the booking, madam.

Fact, we haven't hit it off.

I bet you think I don't like women.

I'm more used to boys.

Easier to please.

Less imagination.

A few days around yours, I felt great.

Only child.

Middle of a massive family.

Maybe.

Or twigging them further up the barrel

than I ever thought possible.

You don't need a wedding to stop me grassing on him.

I honestly couldn't be fucked.

Life's too short, Mimi.

And hey-- so are you.

Height's no advantage if your brain's anorexic, Tinker Bell.

Like the eternity ring, Karen, this is yours forever

to do with what you want.

So long as you know it proves beyond doubt that I

didn't need you as an alibi.

I asked you to marry me because you're the only woman

I couldn't be without.

I murdered all three of them.

I'm not proud of that by any means, but they deserved it,

and I'll do it again under the same circumstances.

Obviously I'll never--

Jesus, Mimi.

If this gets out, they'll bang him up for good.

Up the barrel to you?

Guard it with his life.

20 million women-- name one with vows like yours.

That's why boys make good company, Karen.

Mine, anyway.

It's miles to my school from here.

Mine's nearer.

Longer in bed.

I can't afford school fees and private shrinks.

I've got you both into Chatsworth High School.

Mom!

No, Mom, you can't.

I'm not going there!

[bell ringing]

You were fucked up enough with person!

I told you!

50p for a cup of tea, mister?

Get back in your car, or you're going home in a coffin.

Heard you landed this place.

Brought you this.

So So is that the thing?

That our family's out on the street, and bring

'em a plant to look after?

Nobody enjoys repossessing houses.

Well, don't fucking do it, then.

What do you think, Norma?

For once in my life, I actually feel

like I got me money's worth!

Oh ho ho!

Oh, better make that twice in me life.

Aw.

It's a happening thing in [inaudible]..

Yeah?

Ugh.

Full on gays kissing?

What's going on?

- We're off. - Dad!

You're not going for good?

Well, it was your idea, buddy boy.

I said pretend you're going somewhere.

How's it going?

I didn't mean you should actually go to Texas.

Fuck's sake, Norma.

Bye!

You can't leave!

Since when did my house become a refugee camp?

Since you moved into the Jockey

and stopped paying us rent.

And I had to cover it, Margaret.

And if Carl asks very nicely, in her do,

you might get a lift back to the pub with ease.

Over-educated pikeys.

A working class variant long towards as two faced,

junked up cunts.

No abbreviation available.

Sorry.

Billions of taxpayers' money persuading scabby little

know alls that they can be anything they want.

You know, that there's a place for them at the top

if they work twice as hard as the semi-detached.

Sinkers with nets and, social workers

turning into captains of industry,

members of parliament.

Teachers, lawyers, doctors, and-- you know,

fucking-- them lot-- thingies.

We know it's meant to work.

Float to the top, sending privileges downstream to us.

Well, name one [inaudible].

They're laughing at us.

It is our fucking infections.

Us.

You know, the hands that fed them.

Us, the ones that taught them everything they know.

Crossing the I's, dropping the E's.

You know, and so forth.

Hey!

Uh-- exhibit A. Poor old fucking-- what's it?

Eugene!

Double shift every day for 10 years

so that Christabel could train as a lawyer.

What thanks does she give him?

Uh, hello?

Seven year sentence for fiddling with her yonks back.

But yonks back?

Hey.

Suggestion box-- leave the pikeys with us.

Spend some of the savings on welfare,

and hold a few bob for, you know, consequences.

Redundancies.

Diet, civil disorders, et cetera.

Job done.

Tick.

Over and out.

Where's your cushion again, Sally?

Shift your seat, please, Frank.

Cause these should be in the freezer.

You buying us a drink, bow selector?

Get lost.

Get fucked, then.

Shan't.

NORMA: Bloody hell, mum, what have you got in here?

Just a few bikinis, and that.

NORMA: Oh, man, it's Texas, not Tel Aviv.

I know, but it's gonna be hot.

NORMA: Bloody hell.

Ignore my finger.

MONICA: You like it when I'm all tan, don't ya?

And oily.

What's this?

NORMA: Well, hang on. Hang on, actually.

Did you manage to--

[gasp] - How many sides can a love triangle have?

First you're cold, you're heartless,

you're smelly, and then suddenly--

sappy.

Gradually building up your strength

to win your girl back again.

Well, lezzies or not, you're just showing yourselves all--

you know.

Come on!

Inside.

Get changed into penis based clobber.

And we can [inaudible] the shit loads

of [inaudible], fair lady.

Oh, it's all right, Norm.

I mean, if we set off now, we'd only hit the traffic.

Why don't you go to the pub with us?

You'll be a laugh.

[laughter]

[clicking]

[laughter]

[bell ringing]

(SINGING) We've gone so far, and we've reached so high.

And we've looked each day and night in the eye.

And we're still so young.

And we hope for more.

We've come a long way, but we're

not too sure where we've been.

We've had success.

We've had good times.

But remember this.

Being on this platform of life for so long.

Feel I've walked a thousand miles.

Sometimes stroll hand in hand with love.

Everybody's been there.

With pleasure on my mind, I would

stand on the line of hope.

And I knew I could make it.

Yes, I knew the boundaries.

I looked into the clouds as though my

face in the moonlight.

Just when I realized what a fool I could be-- just as I looked--

[phone ringing]

(SINGING) Finding paradise wasn't easy,

but still, there's a war going down

the other side of this hill.

Never forget where you've come in from.

Never pretend that it's all real.

Someday soon this will all be someone else's dream.

This will be someone else's dream.

Never.

Everybody sing.

Oh, baby.

Never.

No, never.

Never forget.

Come on.

Everybody, everybody.

Everybody, everybody.

Everybody.

[applause]

(SINGING) Never forget where you've come in from.

Never pretend that it's all real.

Someday soon this will all be someone else's dream.

This will be someone else's dream.

We've come so far, and we've reached so high.

And we've looked each day and night in the eye.

Oi, sunrise.

Oi, sunrise.

[mumbling]

[theme music]

Only snag remaining-- these devil's dildos.

Have you a tonic of any description to stop me doing--

that-- to passing strangers?

Hey, sleep on that one.

Lighten up a bit.

You look fucked, if I may say.

Grab 40 winks during the fire drill.

[alarm]