Original subtitles

Now nobody's saying

that Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden

but it's been a good home to us.

To me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids

who I'm proud of because every single one of them

reminds me a little of me.

They can all think for themselves, which

they have me to thank for.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him

Phillip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mom, which was handy for the others

when she disappeared into thin air.

And Carl.

Don't dare let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes

him look like a tiger.

Two, nits love it.

Debbie, sent by God.

Total angel.

You should check your change, but she'll go miles out

of her way to do you a favor.

Plus, little Liam's going to be a star someday.

Monica, the wife.

She's back, with her bird in tow.

And we can't get shot of her.

And the neighbors, the neighbors.

Well, what can you say?

Nothing, if you don't want your arms broken.

Still, nobodies perfect.

But all of them, to a man, know first

and foremost, one of the most vital necessities in life

is they know how to throw a party.

Scatter.

Let's face it, blokes and women,

we want different things.

She's up.

We have totally different skills.

Like men, the ability to be fully

entertained by watching footy scores on Ceefax.

Easy, lass.

Women, the ability to remember everything

ever said to them by anyone about anything.

And to replay any conversation, word for word

while you're watching footy scores on Ceefax.

And yet, it totally works.

Because men need women and women need men.

Simple.

Perfect in fact.

Oh girl.

There are exceptions, obviously.

Puff's, Lez's--

Anything for yourself in this house.

And our Debbie, of course.

See this?

It's been chewed.

What Debbie wants or needs, don't ask me.

Never been able to work that one out.

Who the fuck are you?

Estate agent.

I'm dealing with the situation.

An Englishman's home is his castle.

As I've said, Mrs. Jackson's instructed us to sell.

Any problems, you need to ring her and discuss them.

Go on, bugger off you ass faced little twat.

Out on me ass.

You know, just like that.

Wasn't me who walked out on her, was it?

I did everything I could to make the relationship work.

Yeah, but it means you're back for good, right Dad?

I mean, where's the fucking justice?

If I'd had been her, she'd have me banged to rights

for half the fucking lot.

Yeah, except you don't own any property.

Exactly, Phillip.

Well, that's how much society values fathers.

It's enough to make you put on a pair of tights

and join them pillocks dressed up as Batman.

I'll tell you, I am going to the fucking wall on this one,

I tell you.

All property is theft.

Never realized the truth in that until today.

Still, you're back in your rightful place.

That's the main thing, chick.

Carl!

Get off my geography project.

What is the point of you?

Well, I didn't see it, did I?

Extra strength.

Oh, thanks, darling.

When you moved in with Sheila, I

really missed bringing you tea.

But then I got used to it.

Don't tell mum, right but I've been saving

for a geography field trip.

Four nights at the wetlands center at Walton-on-the-Naze.

Anyway, I haven't got enough saved

so you might as well have some.

Oh, thanks, kid.

I can sub you.

Til you get some of Sheilas house money

back through the courts and that.

Well, it's just not really about the money.

It's more wanting to see justice.

Families need fathers, don't they?

Oh.

wondered where you got to.

I just needed a bit of downtime, love.

You know, moving, it just takes it out of you.

Oh, Frank.

Plenty of TLC, that's what you need.

Way-o, way-o.

Angus, Shane.

Way-o, way-o.

- Get some water. - Water?

To throw on the dog.

Nelson.

Get the dog off, man.

Get the--

Nelson.

Sweet Jesus.

No, Nelson.

Get to your bed.

Sorry.

I thought you were business.

Business?

You know, drugs.

Not because of--

I mean because of him.

Go on, get to your bed.

He was attacked trained.

Started off as a police dog until they realized that he

didn't have the temperament.

But you're a red rag to a fucking

bull looking at him like that.

I didn't look at him.

He came out of nowhere.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

He was looking at him.

It's Mickey.

Not Shane.

Very good boy, aren't you?

Yeah.

I'm a good customer, too.

Oh, no not all the time.

Out of ice, again.

Well, I didn't finish it, did I?

Yeah, you bloody did.

You've been going though it like there's a sale.

Only because Jez told me to put as much ice

in the drinks as possible.

Yeah, well, it's more refreshing that way.

For Christ's sake you two.

It's like working with an old, married couple.

Ian.

If we were married, I'd have taught

you a few manners by now.

Oh yeah?

Put me over your knee, would you?

For starters.

Excuse me, Mrs. McGuire.

Mrs. McGuire?

In your dreams.

Got any gear?

Shit.

You're-- you're the dealer.

I'm not a fucking dealer, all right?

Right.

I just-- I thought you were the other one.

Ones.

I can get you some E's from behind the bar.

No, you're all right.

What do you think of that, then?

Fucking hell, how did you get that?

Bottle.

Psycho went for Nelson in a pub while we was off down south.

Had a thing for dogs, you know?

Touch it, if you want.

Feels well smooth.

Well, go on it won't fucking bite.

Yeah.

Don't hurt.

14 stitches I had.

Doctors said I'm lucky to be alive.

I think we'd better go in there.

- For what? - You know, if anyone comes in.

Fuck off.

You fucking fairy.

Fucking little pervert.

Do I look like a fucking poofter?

No.

Honest, Hone you don't.

But you do have a hard-on.

I'll see to all these then shall I?

Not my turn.

You know, sometimes I wonder why I married you.

Though I suppose I should be grateful

the wife's not letting herself go.

Yeah, well I knew when you put the ring on my finger,

I'd have to keep up my standards.

Plenty of girls would be happy to be Mrs. Jamie McGuire.

Damn right.

Of course, your mums giving it six weeks.

Ah, me mums just jealous because she can see I've

married the woman of my dreams.

Nightmare more like.

Karen.

So how many kids do you want?

Hundreds.

You having them?

I was thinking that--

Morning.

It's not normal.

He's my dad.

Exactly.

It's high time you got yourself a boyfriend.

Even Sparky Wright's not that desperate.

Oh, piss off Carl.

Deb's not interested in lads.

Are you Debs? - Of course I am.

Debbie likes boys.

Debbie likes boys.

Leave her alone, you lot.

Just a late developer, aren't you Deb?

- No. - Exactly.

That's what I'm saying.

It's high time you got yourself laid, madam.

Mom.

Well, it's not natural is it?

A girl her age hanging around home all the time.

Unless of course, you're the other way.

You mean like you used to be?

Before you decided to use me dad as a meal ticket.

Hey.

I need a bog roll.

Dad, she's saying that shouldn't be hanging

around you all the time.

You don't think I'm weird, do you

Of course not, no.

Well, not Weird no.

Just-- just like special like.

You know.

Always has been.

Little Debbie.

Yeah but she's not little anymore.

That's the point.

Look at her.

At her age, I was running a house.

- I am running a house. - No.

With your dad.

You need to get yourself a fellow, Debbie.

Go on, tell her, Frank.

Yeah just, you know what your mum says.

She's your mum.

OK then.

If that's what you want.

Debs.

Normal, ribbed, extra strong, or flavored?

What flavors have you got?

Fruit cocktail, banofee pie, chicken balti.

Don't bother with that one.

- Just normal then. - 560, love.

So

I haven't seen you with a lad, Debbie love.

It's not that Wright boy, is it?

Sparky Wright.

Is it?

Is it?

No.

He's just a lad.

Think we've upset her.

You all right.

Hey, Hey, oh.

Hey.

Hey, Spider, I think she fancies you.

Hey, you got a girlfriend?

No.

We split up.

Ideally, I think intercourse should happen in the context

of a loving relationship.

You what?

You shouldn't shag someone if you don't like them.

How would you get laid then?

It's my turn to bring those in.

Yeah, well teamwork.

That's what married life's all about, isn't it?

Is it?

I thought it was always about someone to blame when you're

life turns out to be shit.

Yeah, well that too.

Talking of which, I realized we've been putting

the cart before the horse.

Time to make an honest woman out you.

Karen, I'm sorry. OK?

What have I done?

It's a big fucking joke isn't it?

Karen bike. bike.

Karen the big laugh.

Who would want to marry you?

Well, she's good for a jump or a blow job.

Well, that's it.

Well, I'm not laughing, all right?

I'm not joking.

I wouldn't marry you.

What?

It's not a joke.

Will you fucking marry me?

Why?

What do you mean, why?

You don't even know me, Jamie.

Yeah, I do.

I see you every day.

You're the only one when I come out of prison, that didn't

treat me like a fucking psycho.

You must realize I fancy the ass off you.

Yeah.

But getting married.

We could try going on a date first.

Fuck all that.

I've lost 10 years of my life.

I know what I want from the rest of it.

You.

Frank?

You all right in there, love?

It's not your old trouble is it?

When did you last go?

Hey, you shouldn't be chucking stuff in there.

Especially if it is not biodegradable.

What was it, a crisp packet?

No.

What are you anyway?

The litter police?

Just care about the environment.

Oh, good for you.

At my old school, right, I was out with this project,

clearing out the canal.

It was totally minging some of the stuff we got out.

I had to call the old trolley's back to the seafood market.

Made nearly 20 quid.

some of them didn't even have wheels.

Like free money or what.

You fancy me?

Yeah.

Do you want to go out later then?

We could take some stuff down to the recycling center.

After tea, half nine.

All right.

It's not for you.

It's for the baby.

What fucking baby?

Everyone knows, Jez.

There's no shame in going with a fellow now and again.

Even if you are on the other bus.

It's a surrogate pregnancy, Lillian.

And the only thing that touched me was a fucking turkey baster.

And that baby will be out of me and down to Swindon

before the four grand has a chance to hit me bank account.

So no knitwear, thank you very much.

You know, I thought that gauge was loose on them needles.

People are going to start talking.

Fuck off.

I'm off home, aren't I?

Fuck off.

There's no one in.

Me mom and dad are at their Irish dancing lesson.

Somebody's been

Nelson.

Nelson.

Out.

Hey, hey, hey.

Somebody will always crash and burn.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Surrender.

Surrender.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Sweet.

Fucking hell.

What is it?

Haven't even cut it yet.

Stuff we sell around here is mostly baby formula.

Little Kate is probably getting more

of a buzz than the punters.

Haven't seen that new disabled sticker, have you?

Those bastard traffic wardens down at community center.

There's no messing with them.

I don't want your mother doing another stretch for GBH.

It's not--

That Panamanian gear, makes you sweat like a fucking pig,

- huh? - Yeah.

Yeah, well don't get a taste for it.

You couldn't afford it.

Look at you.

like a pair of fucking queers there.

Fuck.

Shit.

I haven't had a close call like that since my mom nearly walked

in on Nelson sucking us off.

Nelson?

Yeah.

I was about 13, right.

Dad broke both my arms for dealing on his patch.

I was plaster up to here.

Going mad for a wank.

I mean, how horny are you when you're 13?

Talk about a man's best friend.

Excuse me.

Debbie.

Turkey dinosaurs.

I'm off out.

Got a date.

Fuck off.

Who with?

Luke.

You know.

Forget it.

Anyway I've got my key.

Might not be home till late.

Or I might stay out.

You shagging him?

- Probably. - Debbie.

What?

You all had a go at me before.

Why shouldn't I have a sex life everyone else?

It's just that well, have a word, Mum?

Right.

Well, you could always go on the pill.

Although if you're like me, it'll make you retain more

water than Galton reservoir.

But, if you're serious about this lad,

maybe you should put your name down early for a council flat.

- Talk to her. - Debbie.

Go on.

Debbie, when a man and a woman come together,

the union of two beings--

Dad, it's no big deal.

One, I'm going to use a condom.

I mean, there's chlamydia's to think of, apart

from the contraceptive issues.

And two, with all the gymnastics I've done,

I probably have no hymen left.

I've fried the beans in the bacon fat, Karen.

That's the secret.

It's delicious.

Have to show me how.

Mum, do we have to have Nelson licking around everywhere?

It's not exactly hygienic.

Don't start.

Don't talk to me about fucking Nelson.

Do you like dogs, Karen?

Yeah.

Well, wait till the baby's born before you

think about getting one.

You never know how they'll be with the little one.

Christ, no.

Do you remember taking our Shane down for them stitches?

Poor wee bastard.

Reconstructive surgery my arse.

- Baby? - Karen's not pregnant, Mum.

We thought we'd try getting married first.

Well, there's a first time for everything.

Do you fancy the dog?

That went well.

No.

They really like you.

Jamie, she nearly broke me fucking arm.

It's just her way of welcoming you into the family.

Seriously, you were a big hit.

Oh, well--

Oh sorry.

Well?

No.

Don't you think it's a bit weird, us getting engaged?

No.

I know my family's not exactly little house

on the fucking prairie, Karen.

But I'm my own man.

I don't mean your family.

I mean us not having you know, done it.

What is it?

Is it me being inexperienced?

No.

I was inside for 10 years.

That?

I don't mind who's bitch you were.

No, I wasn't.

I mean, Dad warned them off.

But well, apart from copping the odd

feel from this art therapist who used to visit a few years back.

And you do the maths.

You're a virgin?

I might as well be.

I don't think it's going to be a problem.

What's this?

The fucking honeymoon?

Oh, the bastard heart burn again.

There's an all night chemist down Birchington Lane.

Well, I can't go in my condition, can I?

Need 12 hours sleep or I'm fit for naught.

Don't wait up then.

You're late.

Only two minutes.

Well, a minute five seconds if you're counting.

Nice.

So what were you thinking we'd do then?

It's all right.

I want to.

What's up?

Are you gay?

No.

It's not-- it's not that.

I thought you fancied me.

I do.

I brought my own.

What is it?

What is it, Luke?

There's something you need to know about me.

Oh, no.

Get lost, leave me alone.

Debbie!

Debbie, come back.

Debbie!

Debbie!

Morning.

How are you?

What are you doing up so early?

You know.

I haven't been back since last night.

Luke.

I've been having sex with Luke.

What was it like?

Yeah great.

It was great.

Was it?

How many times?

About five or six.

Morning.

Hey, don't fucking do that.

I'm sorry.

It really is a bit risky, here Mickey.

You know.

Oh, OK.

Came to bring you this.

An iPod?

You didn't buy it did you?

Yeah.

From our Shane.

He knocked the lottery off last Thursday.

Oh, cheers.

Maybe see you after work then?

Yeah.

Maybe.

Fuck off, then.

Sunrise sunsets.

Sunrise sunsets.

Swiftly through the days.

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers.

It's normal, Frank.

What is?

Debbie getting laid.

Well, it is.

Who's the lad, you know?

Luke something or other.

Moved in across there.

The colored family?

You can't say colored nowadays.

Well, what are you supposed to call them then?

Them.

Afro-caribbeans.

Oh, give over.

Who says that?

Anyway you must have gotten the wrong end of the stick.

I know that lot from when I lived over on the Willby.

The Newman's.

I'd be very surprised if Debbie's

carrying on with the son.

Why's that then?

They're religious.

12th day Reform Pentecostalists.

I dabbled a bit myself a while back but it wasn't for me.

Oh, not the fucking god squad.

50% of your income to the church.

And strictly no sex before marriage.

So if Debbie sets a cap on young what's his face,

they'll have her down the aisle before you

can say Jack Robinson.

50 fucking percent.

Worse than the fucking Catholics.

Worse than the fucking Christians.

Catholics are Christians.

Oh, fuck off.

Pound of the fucking flesh.

Frank, Debbie likes this lad.

What good are you going to do laying down

the law to his Mum and dad?

She's got a point.

Oh, excuse me.

This is my daughter.

Every father's worst fucking nightmare.

Dad, meet my boyfriend, the Reverend fucking Chisel Arse.

Fuck off.

Dad.

Hey, pointy tits, fancy a shag or what?

Yeah.

I said, yeah.

Nah sorry.

Don't do donations to charity.

Tonight?

I know it's a bit previous but I

thought it'd be nice for you to meet some

of the extended family, love.

And if your future mother-in-law can't

give you a hand out, who can?

Of course, it might not be your cup of tea.

No, it's just--

It's just I know our Jamie's keen for us to get on.

Yeah.

I'd love to.

it's really nice of you, Mimi.

I just had an arrangement.

Which I'll rearrange, obviously.

You see, Karen love, it's true what they say.

A son's a son til he gets a wife.

A daughter in law's yours for all of her life.

Still on to fuck your brains out tonight?

Your mum just asked me out as it happens.

Oh, it's not going to be an all nighter, is it

Hope not.

Christ, me too.

You see, I told you she liked you.

You're just paranoid.

So Mr. Gallagher, you're concerned about my son

seeing your daughter? - Is this true, Luke?

You've been courting this girl?

No, not courting.

Just--

Can I speak?

Please?

My concern, if I can put it this way, is lifestyle.

Lifestyle?

Debbie's lifestyle.

She's well, let me put it like this,

I wouldn't be that keen on any son of mine

hanging around with her.

I'm not sure I catch your drift, Mr. Gallagher.

Jesus.

It's a terrible thing to have to say about your own daughter.

But to be honest, she likes to--

to-- Samson and Delilah.

Jason and the Argonauts.

Sodom.

Jezebel.

Yeah, she is a jezebel through and through.

Isn't she, Phillip?

I mean, I'd have him checked out, if I was you.

Should have listened, then shouldn't you?

Jezebel through and through.

Nice one, Dad.

Well, it worked, didn't it?

I won't touch her with a fucking barge pole from now.

Or 50% of the fucking barge pole.

Lip.

The state of you.

I still feel a bit sick, actually.

What are doing, going on the lash?

You're supposed to be at school.

Spider and has mates seen me.

Spider?

You don't think that's his real name, do you?

I don't think I'm going to school ever again.

Why not?

What's been going on with you and this Spider lad?

Nothing.

That's what's been going on, right?

Absolutely nothing.

I don't get it, Debs.

I thought all you were into was Luke five minutes back.

Luke's lovely.

But he wouldn't do with me, either.

God says it's wrong.

No one wants me, Lip.

You mean you haven't shagged him?

I told you, he wouldn't.

He said God might see us and smite us down.

And I tried to do it with Spider so you and mom everyone

couldn't get at me anymore.

He just laughed at me.

It was horrible.

Oh, Lip.

Just live and learn, Deb.

Well, this whole business is 90% fiction, 10% friction.

Hello, Mr. Gallagher.

I wanted to see Debbie.

Hi-ya.

Hi-ya.

I just wanted to say you know, I understand

about you being a bit of slag.

Probably just low self-esteem and that.

Hi-ya.

I missed you.

Did you miss me?

What are they?

I got them from the travel agent.

Thought we might get away together.

Mykonos, Ibiza.

Are you fucking mental?

We can go off season.

I'm not going on holiday with you.

I don't want to you know, go out with you.

All right?

Is it because of what I told you about Nelson?

No.

It's just-- look, we're good but it's not going to carry on.

I mean, you, me, we'd be dead meat if anyone finds out.

You know we would.

But I love you.

Oh, fuck. No, you don't.

I do.

All these fucking feelings.

You're the only one who understands.

I don't.

Honest. I don't.

I fucking love you.

And if it takes telling me mum and dad about us

and how I feel, that's what I'm going to do.

What you mean?

I'm going to tell them how I feel.

Mickey.

Mum, Dad, I've got something to tell you.

And it's not something I'm ashamed of.

In fact, I'm proud.

He taught Nelson to suck his cock.

Hey.

See you later?

Hey?

Hen-do.

Hen-do.

Mimi?

Calm down, Mickey.

I'll have Nelson here until it all blows over, right?

Bad choice of words.

Fuck off, you fucking knobhead.

What do you fucking mean?

I said, enough.

Unless you want me to take him back next door.

My dad say's he's going to have Nelson put down.

You know what he means to me you fucking cunt.

I fucking hate you.

- What was all that about? - Don't ask.

Wind changes, you'll stay like that.

Right, this is the plan.

Security is here.

Mickey Mouse, one bloke doing the rounds.

Back's forcible, a few yales, that's it.

Marlene will drive down. - Hang on.

Is this-- we're not going on a raid, are we?

Bit of business and pleasure, Karen love.

A few gross of digital foot massagers.

Right.

Me and Marlene are in while sugar tits

here, get's it on with the security bastard.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

In an out, 20 tops.

You say you want me to cover the security guard?

Well, it's nothing you haven't done before is it?

No.

But why does it have to be me?

I'm engaged, Mimi.

To your son.

It'll be our little secret, Karen love.

Men can be a bit funny about that sort of thing.

Right, ladies.

Let's go.

8 o'clock shift change.

Take us four hours to get out of the fucking van.

We ready?

No calls til the job's done.

Cops can trace records.

Go on.

Debbie, you know, if this lad really likes you,

he won't care what anyone says. - What?

If I'm a slapper, you mean.

No.

Listen to me.

That's a bloke's word.

It's a bloke's fucking hang up. Doesn't matter what you do.

Or who you're doing it with.

As long as you're having good time, right?

Haven't done anything.

Not that it's for a lack of trying.

There's no rush, Debs.

There's always crap to set off.

Thing to do is to get a lad and train him up.

This one that you like.

Luke. He's religious.

Dead religious.

His parents are, you mean?

He's a 15-year-old lad.

The choice between you and Jesus, no contest.

Mean that beard's minging, for a start.

And there's the sandals.

Anyway, your hair's better.

It's going to take a bit more than your dad and Lip

going around and telling tales to his mum and dad

to put him off.

Dad and Dad and Lip?

Yeah, you know saying you're a loose woman.

I thought it was Spider.

Dad and Lip.

Who are you?

Pizza.

I can't believe I actually forgot the pizza.

It's my first night.

Yeah, but like I said, I hadn't ordered any pizza.

Well, that's all right then.

Might keep my job.

So it's just you here on your own then is it?

Yeah.

Nobby no mates.

Nobby?

It's just a figure of speech.

You and nobby up for a bit of fun?

All right steady on, steady on Deb.

It's just one little sticks and stones may hurt my bones but--

but I did it for all the right reasons.

You know, to protect you.

Protect me?

Flesh of my flesh.

Protect young.

Born free, all that.

They're not your standard happy flapper's Deb.

They say 50%.

Half.

Of your money.

I haven't got any money.

Yeah, but it's the principle of the thing though, isn't it?

Hi.

One of you better have some bloody money

to pay for these laxatives.

You say it's to protect young, right?

But you haven't, had you?

Because I'm really like Luke.

And now he thinks I'm a slapper.

I'm warning everyone.

You've been on their side saying I should do it.

When it turns out, you don't even care about that.

You don't care about me.

All you care about is your body money.

You're useless, you.

Debbie.

Debbie.

Debbie, please, love.

Fuck.

What can I do?

I'll do anything.

Come on, you name it.

I'm begging you.

I am a proud man and I'm begging you.

Money.

I want 120 quid for the trip to Walton-on-the-Naze.

And some for spends.

Then, we can talk.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, Jamie's going to fucking love this.

Ah, oh, fuck yeah.

Ah.

Smile for the camera, Karen.

All right, Mimi.

Hey, tell your friend she can join in and all.

As you can see, this is the living room, kitchen, en suite.

This is the bedroom.

The bathroom.

Ooh yes.

The eagle has fucking landed.

It's 200 quid.

Here, that do ya?

A pound of flesh.

Where did you get it?

Need to know, Deb.

Ways and means.

240, 250.

That is a one off, all right?

No more guest appearances.

Gentleman's agreement, Marlin.

Won't see hide nor hair from now on.

They were going to make a fucking offer, you know?

Debbie, love.

Everything all right?

He's all yours.

Hello.

Good night?

Yeah.

Good.

Really good.

Is this OK?

Try.

Done you some sandwiches.

It's a long way to--

Walton-on-the-Naze.

Maze, Naze.

Whatever.

Anyway, no egg.

Just cheese and pickle.

Don't want any teasing of course, do we?

Eww, who's let one go?

Stinker.

That's for saying I'm a slapper.

See you later.

Sigmund Freud, right?

Father of modern psychoanalysis.

Inventor of penis envy and all that bollocks.

Said he never worked out what it is a woman truly wants.

In man's case, he reckoned it was down to two things.

Work and love.

Obviously, never met my dad.

So what did you tell them, then?

As for our Debbie, well--

Same as you.

Walton-on-the-Naze.

Said it was gospel camp.

Gospel camp?

What are you now, one of the commandments or something?

Stop.

Get off.

Such a weakling.

I'm letting you win.

Turns out our Debbie's

not that different after all.

Like most women, what she wants is love,

work, and her own fucking way.