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- I can't believe it, you guys.

The day is finally, finally here!

- Whoa, sounds epic!

Are you talking about bringing your pets to work day?

- No, no, I can't go through that again.

Sitting on the edge of a 17-inch monitor

being ogled by every goofball in that big office,

stuck under those hideous fluorescent lights

like a bug under glass, like some kinda captive zoo animal.

No way, never again.

- I thought the lights were pretty cool, Alvin.

Anywhere that's squishy ball bounced, I was able to see it.

- That's 'cause you're a goober, Bagel.

You're even named after a hunk of bread

that's completely useless unless you have cream cheese

or want to break a window or something.

- Hey, that's not cool, Alvin.

I still consider you a friend.

I mean, I never call you a squawky feather brain, do I?

- And he totes could Alvin.

- Me, a feather brain? No way!

I'm a super cool bird. Check out these colorful feathers.

Besides, I don't know any other parrots who'd survive

living with two silly quadrupeds like you two.

Blah, blah, blah, you furballs never stop yapping.

- Well, you're in for a nice surprise Alvin

because as I was saying before you interrupted me,

starting this afternoon, it's cat week on TV.

- Cat week? - Yup, cat week.

You know, like the popular gator week, snake week,

and bear week, but with cats,

and not only I'm gonna be sitting here yapping,

but many more cats are going to be on TV

making all sorts of cat sounds and be cool

in a general sorta cat way.

- Oh, cat week? Awesome, I can't wait.

- Hmm, okay, now I'm thoroughly intrigued.

I watch you groom yourself around the clock, Bella,

and I have to say, it's rather fascinating.

You put so much care pampering yourself,

it's almost hypnotic.

Imagine watching that multiplied a hundred fold.

That would be something else.

- I thought you didn't like cats, Alvin?

- Yeah, why the sudden change of opinion?

- Well, I was talking about you specifically Bella.

Hey!

- Cat week, it's a whole nother thing.

Cat week is entertainment galore.

- Yeah, then next week, remember.

- Not sure dogs is interesting to watch.

What?

- I'm teasing, Bagel.

I could watch dog week any day of the week, too.

- All right you two.

I'd like you guys to please keep it down

so I can devote my full attention to these cats

being awesome, amazing, and super cool.

- All right, but I think you should tell that to Bagel.

He's the yappy one.

I'm always the picture of silence and meditativeness.

- Oh please, Alvin.

I know your friends at the pet shop

used to call you Squawky Al.

- That was on the account of my singing abilities.

- Oh please, ha, ha, ha.

- From the sea to far away lands, I have sung to the gents.

- What? - Shh, here we go.

Ooh, I love pets!

I love pets, too, especially when cat week is on.

Cats are awesome!

I do have to concur.

These cats are pretty cool.

Cats are the best.

Wow, super amazing cats. So cute!

See Alvin, us cats are really good at socializing.

We share and engage and get along.

- Yeah! How cool is that?

- Hmm, cats are endlessly fascinating creatures,

I have to admit. - Aren't they?

- Are you sure you guys

are not visiting from another planet?

- Hey, I always say cats are alien creatures

from another part of the galaxy.

- Well, besides the conspiracy theory hyperbole,

I'm glad that you two are giving

this excellent programming a chance.

You guys are my favorite roommates ever.

- Thanks B, I feel the same way,

and I figure these cat shows will be a great way

to get to know you better as a cat and as a friend.

- All this cat action.

I thought cats loved to nap.

Is that just another conspiracy theory?

- No, cats love to nap.

Speaking of nap time, check it out.

Aww, cats are cute!

Cats are pretty much the picture of cool.

I wouldn't mind snuggling up

to a cat for a cozy nap.

All that soft fur.

- How about that Bagel? Pretty cool, huh?

- Wow, that was cozy impersonated.

I wish I could nap like that.

- Well, it's a technique.

It takes time and practice.

- I can imagine.

Being lazy is an art, after all.

- Hey, cats are not lazy.

They just know how to relax.

- Really? I thought cats were big old loafers.

- I don't know why I try, I really don't.

I need to talk to our owners about getting my own room

with my own TV and separating me from you two.

Good luck with that, Bella.

We've been sharing this house for over a year

since Bagel was adopted.

What makes you think they'll dedicate

a whole bedroom just to the family cat?

- Simple, because the family cat is moi.

I don't chew on the furniture

or litter the house with droppings.

I'm a quality animal.

Any home would consider itself lucky to have me.

- Hmm, well, I usually just try to pretend you're not there.

I'm pretty lucky when I can pull that trick off.

That's funny, Alvin.

You'll have to teach me that trick sometime.

- Sure kid! You got any crackers?

I do tricks for crackers. - Crackers?

Oh, no, I don't have any crackers.

I'm a dog. - Que sera sera, my friend.

You wanna learn, you gotta pay the tuition.

- Don't listen to him, Bagel.

He cannot possibly be serious.

He loves being with us.

You can pretend all you want Alvin.

I know you couldn't live without your pals.

- I couldn't live without you?

Ha, I'd say the opposite might be true.

You guys wouldn't know what to do without moi.

- Complaining about everything and annoying

everyone around you doesn't make you essential, Alvin.

- Oh, and what about littering the sofa with droppings

morning, noon, and night? - Yeah, that too.

- I don't appreciate that, just so yous know.

Oh my gosh, oh look at that!

- What's he got a mouse, is it a mouse?

Did it run under the couch?

- No, on the TV! It's kittens.

Cute overload!

O-M-G, kittens are the best!

Kittens are almost as cute as puppies,

And I love puppies!

Wow, kittens are quite delightful.

Who would have thought?

Aww, check out the little ones!

- Those were some cute little bundles of fur.

- Weren't they?

- I still don't understand

how you were ever a kitten, Bella.

Kittens are darling and defenseless,

while you. - While me?

- You have an attitude, Bella.

- I don't have an attitude. That's for humans.

We cats have cattitude, of course,

while parrots are loud and obnoxious no matter what age.

- We are not.

We can talk and sing and ride motorcycles.

- That's all fine and dandy, Alvin, but you're not cats.

- Oh, fine then. Just make believe I'm not here.

I won't bother you with my presence anymore.

- You mean like, pretend you don't exist.

- Yes, perfect. Just pretend I don't exist.

- This is like a dream come true.

I'm in heaven!

Can you pretend forever?

- Ha ha, very funny, furball.

You should be so lucky.

- Don't be silly, Alvin.

We don't want you to go anywhere.

We love you just the way you are, right Bella?

- That's right, Alvin.

Stop being a grump and enjoy the show with us.

- Hmm, I'm tempted, but I don't know.

I don't feel the love coming from the two of you.

- You're a regular grouch, Alvin.

- Actually, I'm a tad irregular.

Don't look behind the couch, okay?

- Ewww! Don't worry, I definitely won't.

We should fit you with a bird diaper Alvin.

They make those, you know.

- Oh, really?

Do they make 'em for dogs?

Well, I'd never have to get off the couch

and go outside again!

Imagine that.

I'd get to watch "Pets" forever.

- Totes gross.

- Uh huh.

You'd think I was so utterly reprehensible,

you two would, you know, steer clear of me

and not be all up in my grill day after day, but no!

Alvin this, Alvin that.

You guys are addicted to my swag.

- Hence, my own room,

and just as soon as I explain things to our owners,

I'm sure they'll see it my way.

- Ya think?

Hey Bella, could you put in a word for me?

- Sorry B, there are only four rooms upstairs.

Mom and dad in the master bedroom

which adjoins to the office,

baby Bubby in the extra bedroom,

and my new bedroom adjoining that.

- Sounds like a full house.

You know, most mutts have dog houses in the backyard.

You mean outside?

It gets so cold outside, uh.

Who will I cuddle with at night?

- I see your point.

- Yeah, what's life without snuggle buddies?

- It wouldn't be fun at all.

- Yeah, so no way.

Nah, I'm staying put.

- Yeah, all of us watching cat week.

I like the sound of that.

- Ooo, look you guys.

There's some cool grooming kitties coming on.

- Oh wow, grooming advice.

I could use more grooming advice.

I got this itch behind my ears that-

- What? Bella grooms herself 24/7.

You don't need any grooming advice.

Just watch Bella do what she does best.

That's all the instruction you're gonna need.

- You better believe it.

I'm the clean house pet while you two

are rough, wild, and unrefined.

- Am I supposed to be insulted by that?

- You would be if you were a gentleman.

- Pfft! Good thing I ain't a gentleman then.

- Yeah, me neither.

- I suddenly feel outnumbered.

- Shh, let's watch "Pets," you guys.

That, you guys,

is how you keep your coat sparkling clean.

Oh whoa, grooming is definitely a cat thing.

They're masters at it.

Hey, I groom, too!

When a bird does it, it's called preening.

- Shh! Keep it down, you two.

I'm missing the show!

Gosh, how cool was that?

- I feel like I have a hairball stuck on my tongue.

Ugh, that's a lot of fur you need to keep in check.

- Alvin, you are a bird.

You don't have a tongue.

- Au contraire, fuzz face.

Us bird do have tongues.

Not only we have tongues,

but we have muscles in our tongues.

Our tongues are strong.

- Shame you don't use that muscular tongue

to open the front door and find yourself

a nice treetop some place.

- Bah, since you mentioned it, Bella, I just might.

- Really?

Hey, if you do, maybe I can come

and stretch my legs a little, get a run in.

It's been a minute since I went to the park.

- All right, it's a date.

Tomorrow morning, we'll go for a fly and a run,

but you better behave.

I don't wanna be held responsible if you get in trouble.

- What kind of trouble could he possibly get in?

He's too lazy to get off the lawn and chase a ball.

- True that Bella. - Yeah,

I think you two will be fine without my supervision

as long as you stay away from power lines, Alvin.

You don't wanna get tangled up.

- Yeah, been there, done that.

Not a great experience. - Oh yeah!

We had to come find you

and get you down from there.

- Well, I haven't lived in the wild

since I was a wee hatchling.

Things change.

You forget I'm a parrot?

We live a very long time.

There was no such thing as power lines

when I learned to fly.

- Well, if you stop spending

your time griping and complaining,

you could pay attention to what is happening in the world.

- Yeah, they have automated dog kibble dispensers, now.

They feed you without having to use opposable thumbs.

It's the magic of technology.

- Hmm, some things change. Some remain the same.

- Oh yeah? Like what? - Cats.

Cats have been around forever and ever.

Goofy then, and still goofy now.

- We're not goofy!

We are funny because we're master comedians

with a wicked sense of humor that won't quit.

Are cats hysterical or what?

Cats are pretty much furry comedians.

I have to admit, Bella.

Cats are pretty entertaining.

Those cats were so funny.

I can't, I just can't!

- You can't do a lot of things, mutt,

like comprehend, analyze, or evaluate.

- What's all that mean? - My point exactly.

- Don't let Alvin give you a hard time, Bagel.

He's just jealous.

Jealous of the dog?

Tell me another one.

- Okay, I will.

I have lots of new jokes

I've been waiting to try out on somebody.

- Jokes?

Oh no, sorry. I don't do jokes.

- You don't do jokes?

What's that about, Alvin?

Who doesn't do jokes? - Who doesn't do jokes?

I'll tell you who, this bird!

Don't waste your time, kitty cat.

You won't get no laughs outta me.

Uh uh, no way, no how.

I'll listen to your jokes, Bella.

I love comedy.

- I knew I could rely on you Bagel.

Here's one just for you buddy.

- All right, it's on. Make me laugh.

Nobody has been able to make me laugh since Charlemagne,

the greats jester, got a chuckle outta me back in the day.

This better be a good one, feline.

- What's it called when a cat

wins first place at a dog show?

- Umm mmm hmm,

a cat at a dog show?

That's hilarious!

- I haven't told you that joke yet.

- Oh, you haven't?

- No, Bagel, the question was just the setup.

You wanna hear the rest?

- This just keeps getting better or worse.

Sometimes, I can't tell which.

- Yeah tell me the joke, B!

What's it called when a cat wins first place at a dog show?

- A cat has trophy, get it?

A cat has trophy.

- Funny, I'll admit, funny, clever.

- Why aren't you laughing then?

- I am laughing, inside.

- Can you laugh outside for a change, Alvin?

- Ha ha. - A cat-tastrophy?

I mean, yeah, it would be a catastrophe

if a cat won a dog show.

Think of all the poor dogs who thought they had a shot.

- No, Bagel, not a catastrophe.

A cat has trophy.

Don't you get it?

- Is it like the way you're saying it

or something like stressing it,

like what a catastrophe!

Forget it, Bagel.

- So much for your standup career, Bella.

- I know, I have another one.

How about a bird joke, Alvin?

- Hmm. A bird joke, you say?

I'm intrigued. - Okay,

I'll tell you the funniest bird joke I know.

Ready?

- Give it your best shot, kitty.

- What do you give to a sick bird?

- Hmm, what do we give to a sick bird?

I don't know.

Tweetment.

Ooo, that's a good one, Bella.

- Thanks, I knew you guys would think that was funny.

Okay, that was kinda funny.

- Kinda?

Come on A, that was hilarious!

Bella's a regular laugh riot.

- That's much better than being an irregular laugh riot, eh?

An irregular laugh riot.

Stop!

My sides are gonna burst.

Wow!

- You know, you might be onto something here, Bella.

You cats are definitely good for a laugh.

- That's right, we are, Alvin.

See, we're not nearly as far apart

as you might think sometimes.

No matter our breed, color, or species,

we can always find some common ground.

- Right, there's always something to laugh about after all,

and if one of us is a natural joke-teller, all the better!

- Well, I wouldn't go so far as to call Bella a natural,

but she did bring a smile to my beak.

- A smile?

Is that what you call it?

- It was more like a parroty sneer, I think.

- Nobody asked you, mutt! - Bah, pfft!

- Bagel's opinion is every bit as important

and valuable as yours or mine, Alvin.

Definitely yours, anyway.

- Hey, just 'cause I have a strong profile

and a jutting beak doesn't mean I don't have a good smile.

Look at you, Bagel!

Big, goofy snout, and that flippy, floppy tongue wagging.

You drool all over everything in sight.

- Well, I never.

Don't get me started on your droppings, Alvin.

What do you say we move this couch away from the back wall

a bit and see what's going on back there.

- Ah, that's okay. Maybe later.

- Why not now?

I have a feeling we'll find something back there

mom and dad will be very happy to know about.

- Wanna grab a side and pull, Bella?

- Sure.

Alvin, you can just go ahead and stay put.

You're not that heavy after all.

- Hey, look, wow!

What's on TV next?

Those cats look mighty comfy.

- Oh yeah?

Tell me more about how cool cat week is, Alvin.

- Yes, it's amazing.

I love good programming and all this cat coverage

is some of the very best on the air.

- Ha ha, you got that right, Alvin.

It's nice to see you. - Yes?

- Engaged.

- Ooo wow, Alvin's engaged just like that?

To who? - I didn't mean engaged

to be married, Bagel.

I meant gauged as in invested in watching and appreciating

the coolest animal on the planet.

Cats on the awesomest show on earth, "Pets!"

Cats on "Pets," and Alvin, you're all over it.

- Oh right.

Alvin, you're suddenly into cats like a lot!

- I'll give it to ya. Cats are funny.

"Pets" is funny.

- And cats on "Pets" is quite entertaining.

Now, I wanna learn even more like how spoiled they are.

- Spoiled? Cats?

What, there's no such thing.

- Yeah, cats are totally spoiled.

- No, we just maximize our relaxation, that's all.

- Uh huh, let's watch this next segment and see about that.

Well, look at those cats.

Spoiled is the word.

These cats know how to live, I tell you what.

Spoiled cats are pretty amusing, I have to say.

Wow, they sure know how to enjoy life.

- Well? - I agree with Alvin, Bella.

After seeing that,

it's hard to make the case that cats aren't spoiled.

- Spoiled, us?

Like dogs aren't. - Uh, nope.

- No, no?

- Is there an echo in here?

- Yes! - I thought so.

- Listen, if cats are more spoiled than dogs are,

then my name is mud.

- Oh yeah?

Nice to meet you Mud.

- I didn't mean literally, Bagel.

- Literally?

What's that mean exactly?

- It means literally. - Oh.

- That doesn't help him, Alvin.

- Who said I was trying to help?

- Uh yeah, why would I believe that?

Silly me.

- You've never been too big on helping her out

around the house, Alvin.

- What can I say?

I'm not the helping kind.

- Has anyone ever told you you look like a Frank Alvin.

- A Frank, nope, but my second cousin's name is Frank.

- Is he nicer than you? - Much nicer.

- Well, it'd be tough to be less nice than Alvin.

- Thanks, Mr. Mutt McMutton.

- Don't mention it.

- Hey, you guys wanna order a pizza or something?

I think cat week's gonna be on all night.

- Correction, it's gonna be on all week.

It's cat week, remember?

- Oh yeah, awesome!

We're gonna need a lot of pizza!

- Anchovies, anyone? - Anchovies?

Yuck, anchovies are like furry little fishes.

- Mmm, yes please! - Sweet!

I'll call, you guys take care of the bill, yeah?

- Wait a minute. What kind of deal is that?

- A good one!

- Yeah, it's a good deal if your name's Alvin.

- You can call me whatever you like.

Just don't call me when the check's due, okay?

- Color me not surprised.

- Fine, how about extra anchovy then?

- Hmm, I'm listening.

- Bella, eh don't negotiate with that skinny parrot.

- Skinny parrot?

I'm offering pizza.

Who'd turn down a perfectly good pizza?

- That's easy for you to say, Alvin.

Apparently, you're not paying for it.

- Apparently, wow!

Look at you, using the big words, Bagel.

- Apparently it is a pretty big word for you, Bagel.

- Oh pfft.

Well, I know plenty of words yous guys don't know.

- Wait, you mean plenty of words we don't know,

or plenty of words we don't know you know?

- Er um, could you please repeat that?

- What Alvin's trying to say

in his own unique and unrefined way, Bagel,

is he doesn't believe you just casually tossed out

a four-syllable word in conversation.

- Yeah, that pretty much hits the nail on the head.

- Well thanks for the vote of confidence, you guys.

- Look at that.

Confidence, he says, three syllables.

It's like talking to some other dog

like from another dimension of something.

I know, right? Go Bagel!

- Go where?

The doors are locked till our owners get home from work.

Besides, I don't wanna miss cat week.

- The doors are locked!

You guys, how are we gonna get pizza?

- We're gonna have to figure something out.

- Right, how about we call the fire department

to come and break down the door?

- Oh, why would they do that?

- Well, your mouth must be on fire

from all that talking for starters.

The neighbors are probably smelling smoke as we speak.

- Me, talking too much?

Bah, I barely get up from the couch.

I can't imagine doing too much of any one thing.

- You're right, you are a lazy bones.

What was I thinking?

- Bella, lazy?

Bella's most definitely not lazy, Alvin.

In fact, she's one of the hardest working cats I know.

- That's right, see?

- Uh huh, and how many other cats

do you know personally, Bagel?

Well, none, but-

- None, I rest my case.

- What case?

- The case I just made a against you, Bella.

It's air-tight.

- I agree. - You do?

Since when do you side with Alvin the parrot over me, Bagel?

Oh, I don't know.

Did I just do that? - Yes, you just did.

Oh, oh, my bad.

- Whatever. Now about that pizza.

- We can tell them to slip it under the door.

- Great idea!

- All right, we'll split it three ways.

How about that? - Yes, let's do it!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa kimosabes.

A three-way split ain't gonna work for me.

- What do you mean? There's three of us.

- Yeah, but I have a big stomach.

- You do?

Eh, but you're a bird.

- Birds have teeny tiny stomachs.

- There you go.

I suggest a nice bonding activity

like sharing a pizza between us,

and y'all turn it down flat without so much

as a shred of consideration.

That's not it at all, Alvin.

Bagel and I considered a three-way split.

- Yeah, and you decided against it.

- You want the whole thing?

- Not the whole thing.

More like 98% of the pie. - No way.

It's 1/3 each, or no deal.

- Yeah, a third for us, and a third for you.

- Nope. 98% for me, 2% for you.

Seems only fair. - In your mind maybe.

- Fine, how about we switch the math around a little.

- Oh all right, hit me with some numbers.

- 22%. - What's that Alvin?

The amount of brain power you use?

- Nope, how much pizza I'm gonna let you have.

Hmm, I see.

22% each, or between the two of us?

- Now, you're dreaming, Bella.

I meant 22% of the crust I leave behind

after I'm done eating the whole pie.

- No can do.

- Yeah, no way, Alvin.

That's a seedy deal.

- Seedy? That's funny, Bagel.

A seedy deal from a seed-eating parrot.

I like that. - All right,

I want that big, juicy pizza pie

no matter the deal I have to make.

- Will you pay part of the bill?

- Argh, I thought we've already been through this.

I don't buy, I fly.

- Mmm hmm, and I don't pay, I stay,

and I'm staying right here on my sofa

because the next segment's a-coming up!

- Oh yeah, would you look at that, lazy cats.

- How ironic. - Ironic?

There you go with the fancy words again.

- Thanks Alvin.

I always told you I'm smarter than you thought.

- Define ironic.

That's what I thought.

Those cats are relaxing like pros.

Lazy cats are funny.

Just when I thought Bella

was the laziest cat in the world.

- Those cats were so lazy.

I'm surprised they weren't growing moss on their backs.

Right!

I love the imagery there, Bagel.

- Go ahead and laugh, goofballs.

If you notice, it's cat week on TV,

not dog week or, heaven forbid, parrot week,

and that's because us cats are A-number one.

- Huh, blah, blah, blah.

- The best domestic animals around,

the favorite house pet in history.

- Hey, I'm a dog, and I'm pretty sure

we're the favorite house pets history.

- I'll agree with that,

The operative word being house pets.

Take a look at us parrots and you'll see

a wild-hearted spirit, untamed and untethered.

Nobody even dreams of leashing a parrot.

- Oh yeah? How do you explain cages?

Oh.

- Well yes, I'll give you that, but as you can see,

I'm not in the cage.

I have asserted my independence early on, and here I am.

- I'm sorry, Alvin, but don't you have

a bird cage in the other room?

- Yes, he does Bagel,

and he sleeps in it every single night of the week.

- With a blanket over top of it, too.

- Yes, indeed.

Our Alvin here is quite the domesticated parrot.

- Bah, go ahead and talk smack, both of you.

Just remember this, cats and dogs are in every pet store,

but parrots you'll find in the exotic pet store.

- Whatever.

- Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

- Somebody's full of himself.

- Why don't we all just watch more cats on TV

and stop sniping at one another.

- All right, let's get to it.

I wanna watch more cats.

- You do? - You do?

- Yep, I do.

- Now I know something's fishy.

That's not our Alvin talking.

- Oh, but it is Bagel.

You see, I've come to a conclusion.

- Oh yeah? What is it?

- The conclusion I've come to is that we're all special

in our own individual way.

- Yes, we are.

- I mean, some more than others,

but all special nonetheless.

- Yup. - So, since this is cat week,

why don't we all settle in

for a fun-filled evening of cats on TV?

- Wow, okay. - Oh really Alvin, no kidding?

- Nope, no kidding Bagel.

- Okay, I'm in! - Me, too.

- Good, that settles it, then.

Does anybody need a snack before I turn up the volume?

A snack?

Are there any jerky chews left?

- Only turkey jerky.

- Sweet, I'll have 'em.

- Bagel, you can't eat all the turkey jerky.

Our owners will flip if they come home,

and all the snack food's gone again!

- What do you mean again?

I never ate all the treats to begin with.

- No? Well, somebody did.

Last week, all mom's pumpkin and sunflower seeds

mysteriously vanished.

Oh,

- Alvin! - What, they smelled yummy.

- Well, you ruined it for the rest of us.

Now, they don't trust us anywhere near the kitchen.

- That's right, and we have to wait

till feeding time to eat our snacks.

- Oh, boo-hoo.

At least you won't get fat like these cats.

Look!

Ha ha, those cats have definitely had

their share of treats.

The fat cats are funny.

Look at these guys!

- Ooo wow, talk about flabby tabbies.

- Excuse me.

A little decorum should be in order.

- What's that mean?

- It means be a gentleman, Bagel.

Bagel, a gentleman?

- I know, right?

Me, a gentleman, how silly!

- Well, I would think a kept house pet such as yourself

would strive for respect and admiration,

not base instincts and mindless reflexes,

but what do I know?

I don't know, Bella.

What do you know?

You know what?

Just forget I said anything.

As you were. - Okay!

- That's for the best.

- If you count drooling all over my nice seat cushions

being for the best, I respectfully disagree.

- At least I don't shed like you do, Bella.

Wow wee, you cats sure do shake off those coats.

- And then, there's me.

Note, no shedding, hashtag #birds rule.

- Ugh, please!

You may not shed a coat Alvin,

but you sure do scatter those crushed-up seeds every place.

- Yeah, I get 'em stuck between my toes like all the time.

Ugh, ouch!

- What do you want me to do about it?

I can't help it if you don't wanna wear shoes.

- We shouldn't have to wear shoes

in the comfort of our own home, Alvin.

Besides, you don't wear shoes.

- Duh! Have you ever known a parrot to don footwear?

Look at these claws, like works of art, they are.

- Oh brother, here he goes,

touting his physical appearance again.

- Overcompensation for his teeny, tiny bird brain,

if you asked me.

- Well, good thing nobody asked you, Bella.

- Bah, how did we get lost

in a conversation with you again anyway?

I thought we decided to enjoy cats on "Pets."

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure we did.

It's cat week on "Pets," and I wanna see more.

- Right, fine. I won't talk anymore.

See how you like it?

- You know what?

I don't believe you Alvin which is why

I think I'll turn up the volume.

Yeah! What do you think, Bagel?

- I can't hear you.

- That's because the TV's too loud.

There, that's much better. - Says who?

- Says me! - What?

- Ouch, cut it out Bagel.

You're shouting right into my ear.

You trying to perforate my ear drum or what?

- What? - I said-

Oh never mind, why bother?

- Why don't you run some musical scales or something, Bagel?

You might need to recalibrate your canine ears.

- I'd love to!

How do you do that?

- It's easy!

Do ray me fa so la see do.

- Go ahead, Bagel. You try it.

- Try what? I can't hear a thing.

I'm trying to regain my hearing.

- For crying out loud, can we shut the mutt up?

There's gotta be something on that'll hold

his fleeting attention, there's just gotta be.

- Shh, cat week's coming back from break.

I don't wanna miss a thing!

Heaven forbid you miss out on something

you do every single day of your life.

- At least I have a routine, and at least I have style.

You just perch there morning, noon, and night.

If something rankles you,

you wake us up in the dead of night squawking.

- Okay, for your information, I do not squawk.

- No? What do you call it then?

- Alerting! - Alerting, ha!

Well then, could you kindly alert someone else

next time you have a bad dweam?

- Ooh wow, a bad dweam?

I've heard of bad dreams, but what's a dweam?

- Oh look, his hearing's returned, yay.

- I'm still a little echoey,

but at least I can make out

what you're both saying again.

Remember guys, I'm a dog.

My ears are super sensitive.

- You are? Whoa, get out.

I thought you were a sloth.

Yeah, so did I.

Easy mistake. - Right.

- Hey, I thought you guys were my friends.

- That was your first mistake.

- No, come on Alvin.

We are your friends, Bagel, your best friends.

- And as your best friends, we're here to tell you

you gotta learn to be more friendly.

More friendly?

I'm very friendly.

If I were any more friendly, I'd be a puppy.

- Are you finished Alvin?

- Yeah, pretty much done.

Yep, mic drop.

- Disregard anything Alvin says, Bagel.

He's just jealous it's not parrot week.

- Parrot week on "Pets?"

Oh, I would love that!

- Parrot week would be amazing!

You could write to the network, Alvin.

See if they'll put parrot week together this spring.

- You know, maybe I will, but in the meantime,

this cat thing's really growing on me.

- It's growing on you?

Ugh, sounds like mange.

You want to take a flea dip, Alvin?

- Ha ha, that would be a sight.

- Oh stop. I do not need a flea dip.

I need you two to zip it

so we can check out more of these cats.

- You know Alvin, if I didn't know any better,

I'd say you were becoming a genuine cat lover.

- And maybe cats are pretty cool, I have to say.

- I know, right?

We're so lucky to share our house with one.

- You're okay, Bella. - Just okay?

- I tolerate you, Bella. - Tolerate?

- Alright Bella, you're pretty cool, for a cat.

- Oh my goodness, look at that!

- Huh? What's that?

- Looks like a paperweight.

No, wait, it's a, a cat! - It is?

But it's not moving at all.

It looks like a statue of a cat.

I know, it does, doesn't it?

- What do you guys think that cat is doing?

- Let's check this out.

I'm so intrigued by any animal who can be so calm,

so sedate, so chill.

- Me too! What relaxation.

That cat makes me suave just looking at her.

- Welcome to my world, boys.

Now, you can see how the other half lives.

Those are some pampered cats.

Some cats get all the breaks.

Look at those fellas.

Well, those kitties are spoiled rotten.

- Wow, talk about pampered!

- I know! Those cats are living a serious good life.

- Now, do you see all that I give up

by living here with you two?

- Hey, what do you mean by that, Bella?

- I mean, I could be living like the feline princess I am,

but instead, I hang out here

with a loud-mouth bird and a silly dog.

- So, what's your point?

- My point, Bagel, is that I'm living

way beneath my potential.

Not that you guys aren't my friends.

You are, kinda, usually, for the most part,

but still, a cat should be revered, pampered, idolized,

put up on a pedestal and worshiped.

- Hey, that's what the ancient Egyptians did.

I remember King Tut's pet cat very well.

He loved his cat. - King Tut?

You knew King Tut?

- Of course I did!

Those were the days being fed grapes and sunflower seeds

while I lounged in my bird bath.

The ancient Egyptians knew how to live, I tell you what.

- Sounds downright Delightful, Alvin.

- Yeah, and after King Tut, there was Cleopatra,

and I tell you if I thought life with King Tut was awesome,

being Cleopatra's pet parrot was a whole new ball game.

- Wow, you've been around, Alvin.

- Ahh, being Cleopatra's cat.

I could see myself in that role.

- Did Cleopatra have a dog?

Don't be silly Bagel.

What would Cleopatra want without pooch?

- Aww, she didn't have no dogs? Ooh, bummer.

- Ah, all right, fine.

If Cleopatra were around today,

she would love to have you as her pampered pooch.

Really? Yay!

Just call me King Bagel.

What I was attempting to say

before Alvin so inappropriately interrupted me

is that cats are some of the most regal

and majestic creatures throughout history.

Many cultures have adored us, studied us.

- Wow, there's folks out there who study cats?

- Yes, Bagel, there are, lots of 'em, in fact.

- And what are those folks called, cat-tologists?

Cat-tologists,

That's about that silliest thing I ever heard.

More like cat-mole-agists.

- No, Bagel, they aren't called cat-tologists

but you're not far off.

- I'm not? - Nope.

The study of cats is generally known as felinology.

- Even sillier.

Wow, that is close, isn't it?

Why not just call them cat-tologists?

- I don't know, but the term felinology

comes from the Latin word for cats, felinas,

so the title dates back pretty far.

- I'll say, that's like dawn of time far.

You mean to tell me there's folks that have been

obsessed with you cats since the very beginning

of recorded history?

- Well, since you put it that way, Alvin, yes.

Cats have been notable, admirable, and lovable

pretty much from the moment they first walked the earth.

- Rad! - And that admiration

shows absolutely no signs of slowing either.

In every city, town, and borough,

even high up on the mountaintops

and down low in the valleys,

there are people who are utterly sworn

and dedicated to cats.

- Wow, no kidding? - No kidding.

Out there, you'll find cat rescues, cat fan groups.

Cat talent shows, cat owner networks,

and for those with some extra cash to spend,

plenty of cool cat merchandise.

- Yowza wooza!

I never knew you cats were such a cottage industry.

- Oh, we're much more than that, Bagel.

The reputation of the cat has given rise

to a bonafide cat empire.

All around the world, cats are distracting and preoccupying

even the most focused of folks.

- Now that you mentioned it,

I do recall seeing some pretty funny cats online.

- Cat memes, those are funny!

- Yeah, I love those. - Me too!

Haven't seen many bird memes though.

- That's because the Internet is flooded with cat memes.

Good luck finding anything else.

- That's true, but doesn't matter.

We have such a great time together.

We have all the fun we need right here,

the three of us watching "Pets!"

Who needs anything else?

- That's true, I do have fun with you to silly goobers

even if you annoy me to no end.

- I knew it.

Underneath the tough veneer, you're just a softy, Alvin.

- Um, what's a veneer?

- A facade. - What's a facade?

- A semblance.

- A, a what? - A guise.

- Nope. - A surface?

- Eh? - An overlay?

- Uh uh uh. - Nevermind.

What I was trying to say

is that you're a good friend, Alvin.

Not only am I the cleanliest, smartest, coolest pet around.

I'm also the most loving and loyal.

- Well, cat's really are the coolest.

- Somebody full of herself much?

- Not full of myself, Alvin, just confident.

There's a big difference. - Touche, feline.

- Hey, let's go back to cat week, you guys.

- Yeah, what's up next?

- You know, Alvin, if I didn't know any better,

I'd say you're secretly the biggest cat lover

of the three of us.

Wouldn't that be funny?

- So what if I am?

- Whoa, is it true Alvin?

Is it really true, truly true? - Tell us!

Inquiring minds want to know.

- I plead the fifth amendment.

I don't have to explain myself over here.

I'm not on trial.

- That's okay, buddy.

You've told us everything we needed to know

by not answering the question.

- He has? - I have?

- You have.

You may not be comfortable coming right out with it,

but Bagel and I know that underneath that rough exterior,

you're nothing but a big teddy bear.

- Ooh whoa!

So Alvin's not a parrot, he's a

teddy bear?

- Oh, for goodness sake, Bagel!

- What did I say?

- It's okay, Bagel. You do you buddy.

Just remember, you'll always have a friend in me.

Aww shucks, thanks Bella.

That's so touching.

- You should pay attention, Alvin.

You might learn something about the special bonds

of friendship and loyalty.

- From you? - Yes, from me.

- But you're a cat!

Bagel here is man's best friend.

- Oh, you think so, huh? - I know so!

- Well, close your beak, open your eyes, and check this out.

You'll learn cats can be your best friend, too.

Wow, cats are so friendly!

What did I tell you?

These cats are so sweet and loving.

Aww, look at that!

I see. Cats can be just as friendly

as dogs, who knew?

And I always thought cats were aloof.

- Well, what did you think of that?

- I think, I think.

Aw shucks, cats are awesome.

- Oh, come on.

Don't say those kinda things, Alvin.

You can't take words back when you say mean things to-

Oh, wait, what? - Yeah, what?

- You heard me right, cats rock.

- There, I said it. - Wow!

Are you feeling okay, pal?

- He must be running a fever.

Quick, Bagel, get the thermometer.

We've got to take his bird's temperature

and make sure it isn't dangerous.

- Okay, where do we keep the thermometer?

- I'll save you both the time and trouble.

I ain't sick, and I ain't running no fever.

I just came to my senses is all.

I've had one heck of a time watching "Pets" with ya,

and if it's all the same to you both,

I'd like to watch some more.

- I don't believe what I'm hearing.

- Believe it!

I'll even go whip up some popcorn if you like.

Popcorn? Yummy!

- Wow, I mean, just wow.

You've practically made a career

out of giving us a hard time, especially me.

To what can we attribute

this sudden change of a heart, Alvin?

- It ain't sudden.

I've been thinking long and hard for a while now

about how much I, well, about how much I admire ya, Bella.

Double wow!

Triple wow!

- Oh my!

- Yep, it's all true, and watching cat week with ya

just drove the point home for me.

- You're learning how to drive, too?

Oh, I can't. Mind blown!

- Shh, let Alvin continue Bagel.

Oops, right.

- All of us animals are special in our own unique ways,

real special, and sometimes when we spend

every waking moment, day in and day out,

with the same two friends, we can lose sight of that.

I mean, really lose sight of it.

- You can't see no more?

You got dust in your eyes, Alvin?

- Bagel, let Alvin finish.

Whatever he's saying, I'm loving it!

I want to hear more!

He's trying to come clean.

- Oh, well my old tin wash tub's right out back.

He's welcome to jump right in if he's dirty.

Don't mind him Alvin, go on.

- Right.

I just wanna take this opportunity to say I'm sorry

for my past behavior.

Whoa!

- And I plan to do my level best to turn things around

and be the friend that you two have always deserved,

but so rarely got in me.

- Okay, are we being filmed right now?

Oh, where's the camera?

- I, I don't know what to say.

Alvin, I-

- Shh, don't say nothing, Bella.

Just let me prove it to you, to you both.

You've been so good to me,

and I usually respond by busting your humps.

Well, no more! - Really?

- Really, I'm taking a cue from you cats.

From now on, I want to be as loyal and good a friend

to you as you've been to me.

- Okay. - In fact,

I'm gonna start right now.

It's cat week, yeah?

Well, let's watch some more cats!

I gotta say Bella,

no other animal's as deserving of getting

its own solid week of dedicated programming than you cats.

- Really? You really mean that?

- I do! Cats are something else.

That agility, that intelligent, them glow in the dark eyes.

Yeah, the eyes are pretty cool.

- I gotta tell you guys,

and I'm being straight up with you here.

I really love being a bird,

but if I had to be any pet other than a bird,

you know what it'd be?

- No way! - Really Alvin?

You'd wanna be a, a, a cat?

- Nah, I'd probably be like

a great white shark or something.

- Oh.

- But a cat'd be my second pick for sure.

- All right, that's fair.

- A great white shark?

Wow, that's cool.

I couldn't see our Alvin as a cat anyway.

- Neither could I. - Right?

- Wait a minute, what's that supposed to mean?

- What do you mean What's that supposed to mean, Alvin?

- I mean, here I am pouring my heart out to you guys,

and you're over there getting your chuckles at my expense.

- Oh no, Alvin, we didn't mean to-

- You think I'm just perched here to make you laugh?

- Not at all. I mean, yes, no, er.

I didn't mean it like that.

- Not funny like ha ha.

- No, definitely not funny ha-ha.

- Oh, so I'm not funny now?

- No, I mean, yes!

- Funny like feel-good funny.

- Funny in a good way.

- Funny in a good way.

All right, that I do like.

Oh goodie, you are funny Alvin.

You might be a Scrooge,

But you're always making me laugh, and that's what matters.

- Ah yes, I used to make King Tut laugh, too.

I provided endless amusement.

- Well, King Tut thought you were funny, too?

- Oh yes.

Oh, and Genghis Kahn, don't forget about Genghis Kahn.

He thought I was the funniest parrot in the world.

He laughed for hours at my musings.

- Genghis Kahn, wow.

Alvin, you have been around.

You don't know the half of it.

What do you say we watched some more of cat week on "Pets?"

- Great idea, Bella.

- All right you guys, let's get into it.

Oh, look at that cat.

He's so cute. - Yes he's so cute,

so calm, so cuddly.

Don't you love pets, Alvin?

- I do, and I love watching cats on "Pets."

- You've been a bucket of surprises today, Alvin.

I guess that's what you get

when you live as long as you have.

- You need your own show, Alvin.

- Ha, wouldn't that be grand?

Maybe they'll do an Alvin week on "Pets" next.

- That would be a riot.

- You think Cleopatra will be in it?

- She should be so lucky.

- Ha ha ha, Alvin, you're something else.

I love you. - Me, too.

Oh, I love you too, furballs.

Hey, check that wacky kitty out, you guys.

What's he up to?

Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be fun.

Hey guys, how about that pizza?

Are you still gonna try to eat 78% of it Alvin?

I Think I can share even-Steven with you guys.

Really? In that case, let's call it in!

- Yeah! - I already did.

- You did? - You did?

- With extra anchovies? - With extra anchovies,

and according to my calculations,

they should be here just about.

Pizza!

All right!