Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on Once Upon A Time...

Rumplestiltskin, I command you to leave Storybrooke.

EMMA: That looks like your book.

It's blank. And if this place is full of potential storybooks...

This is the Author's house.

I was hoping he could write me a happier story.

I'm in.

I've learned the rules do apply to me.

There's someone who can change those rules.

The Author.

(GRUNTS)

MALEFICENT: Stop.

Just who the hell might you be?

Ursula. You can call me "Your Majesty."

I don't bow down to fish.

Who are you?

I'm the person whose valet you either knocked out, strangled

or tried to impregnate.

I don't know what those tentacles are for.

I was invited here. What's your excuse?

This is my home.

So why did you send for me?

Believe me, I did not send for you.

- Then what... - (DOGS BARKING)

I wouldn't do that.

Don't worry, they don't eat fish or dragon.

Unless I tell them to.

Thank you, my darlings. A wonderful job.

I'll take it from here.

Now, who's going to tell me

what in the hell I'm doing in this ghastly place?

Lovely question, because this ghastly place is my home,

and I didn't ask for any visitors.

I received specific instructions.

- As did I. - MALEFICENT: I don't care.

You're trespassing.

And do you know what I do with trespassers?

Don't even think it.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: Now, now, ladies. Don't tear each other apart.

I need you all in one piece. Or rather three pieces.

Rumplestiltskin, it was you.

Guilty.

Someone want to tell me why I left the sea for this?

Oh, yes. The reason for this little tête-à-tête-à-tête-à-tête...

We all have something in common

apart from mutual distaste.

We're villains.

And it's time the villains got their happy endings.

Ripped By mstoll

Now, who can tell me what the study of birds is called?

Henry.

Ornithology?

Very good.

Now, you can tell from the legs on this little guy

that birds are descended from reptiles.

Hey, hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Bye. - See ya.

Bye.

Well, I see you still have your temper.

Six weeks and nothing.

They're still trapped inside that bloody hat.

Look, we just have to keep at it, okay?

But we will find a spell to release the fairies.

I mean, these translations are difficult,

but I've reached out to some of the finest minds in the world,

and one of them will get back to us.

I know it.

If we're reduced to those magic boxes, then I'd say hope is in short supply.

They, uh, call it the Internet, and it can help us.

And once we get the fairies out of the hat,

they can help us release everyone else,

including that poor old man that you put in there.

All because I let myself be tricked by the Crocodile.

How could I have been so weak?

Um...

We both were, you know?

Rumplestiltskin got the best of us.

And you're right.

You should have been stronger, but you weren't.

And, well, neither was I.

I should have seen through him.

You were blinded by love. What was my excuse?

Probably the same. Just for someone else.

He was right about one thing. Love is a weapon.

As dangerous and persuasive as magic.

Yeah.

Yeah, he had both of our hearts.

Hey.

As big a bastard as he was, he did love you.

And now he's gone from our lives forever.

(STAMMERING)

I just hope he's found whatever it is he's looking for.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(MICROWAVE BEEPS)

Means it's ready.

Yes, I know how to work a microwave, thank you.

Because the Dark One did so much cooking in his time.

Well, worry not.

My power extends far beyond ramen noodles.

Yeah, just not in this life.

You know, I'm beginning to think you're a lot of talk.

A lot of empty promises about happy endings.

When all you do is eat my food, sleep on my couch.

That better not be the last ramen.

Do I look like I'm made of money?

I work at an aquarium.

No, that's not what you do.

What you do is complain.

- And you know why? - Hello, my babies...

Because your life, for want of a better term, is crap.

Hey, are you forgetting who's been taking care of you?

Please. Providing reheatable noodles

in what might charitably be called shelter, no great gift.

Certainly not compared to what I'm providing.

I'm going to fix all of your problems.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you well enough to know

you don't care about me.

No, I don't. I care about me.

You're lucky our problems just so happen to align.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Mmm?

You got something?

The beginning.

Of what?

The end of our misery.

It's time to visit an old friend.

URSULA: So this is where she lives?

Guess some of us are doing better than others.

- (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) - CRUELLA: This is too awful. It's just...

Darling, do we need all these theatrics?

We're doing better.

Sorry, lady.

This was mine before.

GOLD: Cruella De Vil.

No one calls me that here.

Well, I'm sorry, dearie,

but Cruella Feinberg doesn't have quite the same ring.

What in the hell are you two doing here?

Looking to regain our greater glory.

A glory I can soon return to you both, if you join me.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Well, maybe you should.

Things have changed.

Mea culpa.

Our last time together was less than ideal.

But now?

Now our interests align once more.

You've lost all you have.

And so have we. That's why I'm here.

To put an end to having everything taken away.

Oh, not everything.

And where are you gonna go with these paltry material possessions?

To get myself some less paltry possessions.

An empty pursuit.

You're gonna end up right back where you started.

I will never go back to where I started.

I can get you back everything you've lost and more.

You know, you talk a good game, Dark One, but can you deliver?

In a world with no magic where, apparently, walking is a challenge?

Ah!

But there is magic in this world.

You just have to know where to look.

I know you don't trust me.

But the good news is, if you follow me, you won't have to.

Aren't you tired of feeling ordinary?

Get in.

Now then, darling, where are we going?

A quaint little town called Storybrooke.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Now then, this happy ending shenanigan you're promising us,

can you really do that?

Are you really that powerful?

Oh, he's powerful, but not that powerful.

No one is.

Love how you underestimate me. Adorable.

What exactly are you offering, short stuff?

Only the answer to all your prayers.

I'm not exactly the religious sort.

Shocked.

Look, I was quite content with my life until I received this summons,

and I do not appreciate being dragged around on false promises.

Nothing false about it, dearie. I know exactly what you want.

And you.

And you.

Really?

Really. But don't worry,

I'm not one to betray trusts. So your secrets can remain your own.

What I will share is what we all have in common.

A desire for happiness.

A desire to do what villains can never do.

To win.

And I'm here to show you how, together.

MALEFICENT: Even if we would work together,

no spell known to man or woman can do what you're saying.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: Of course not, dearie.

But we're not looking for a spell. We're looking for a curse.

A Dark Curse.

One that, if you help procure it,

can get each and every one of you exactly what you want.

Your happy

ending.

So why should I think this new plan will work when all the others have failed?

Our failures in the past have been for one reason.

The odds were stacked against us.

Now we're going to change the odds.

With this Author you keep babbling on about.

His book harnesses a great power.

One that exceeds anything we've ever experienced.

Giving villains and heroes what he deems just deserts.

Our collective frustrations?

They're because of his will, not our missteps.

Well, I suppose that's better than blaming bad judgment and gin.

MAN: (OVER SPEAKER) Welcome to Mr. Cluck's. What can I get you?

CRUELLA: One Double-Cluck combo.

URSULA: Make it two. Rumple?

No, thanks. I'd like to survive for my happy ending.

MAN: That'll be $14. 15.

Please pull up to the window, and have a cluckety-cluck-cluck day.

Please hurry up.

I'm fairly certain this Author's in Storybrooke.

And if we want to enlist his help,

we have to get there before the heroes do.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

How do you feel about kale salad?

Like someone found someplace other than Granny's for takeout.

I'm fine with her grilled cheese, but I know it gets to you.

(CHUCKLES) You eat like a child.

Is that a root beer?

Two. I got you one. Thought you could use a break.

A break from what? Dead end after dead end?

This Sorcerer or Author, whatever he wants to be called,

doesn't want to be found.

It's only been a few weeks.

Exactly, and I've conquered entire realms in less time.

Can you conquer these bottles? I thought they were twist-offs.

Do I look like I can pry them off with my teeth?

- I'm a queen and a bit more refined. - Yeah, I got that.

My mom had a bottle opener here during her brief tenure somewhere.

Wait. Don't...

What's this?

Did you take it from the book?

It's not from the book.

Robin found it. (SIGHS)

Before he left with his family, it appeared to him.

It's not your story. What is it?

Robin thought it was hope.

A sign that things would work out for me.

Turns out it was a cruel joke.

Have you heard from him?

(VOICE BREAKING) No.

There may be a way to get the fairies out.

BELLE: Yeah.

I found an incantation.

It's part of a spell in an ancient tongue I've never seen before.

- Which made translation a challenge. - But I did it.

I found a professor of linguistics from Oxford,

and he just emailed me with the translation.

It's an ancient ceremony, but, uh, one that will bring them back.

I just need you to enact it.

Ceremony, huh?

Well, Madam Mayor, ready to pronounce today Free the Fairies day?

Here.

You got it?

I got it.

(ALL PANTING)

Thank you.

Are you all right?

No.

I'll live.

But being in there with... Thank you.

Actually, you should thank the Mayor.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: The curse resides here. Bald Mountain.

It's protected by a variety of lethal magic obstacles.

Obstacles that suit your very specific talents.

- Blood scarabs. - (SCARABS CHITTERING)

The only thing stronger than their venom is their bloodlust.

Cruella, I believe with your powers of persuasion,

they'll be as harmless as puppy dogs.

I have a little job for you, darling.

Now run along and tell the others.

(SCARABS CHITTERING)

That's how it's done, darling.

The Dark Curse.

Fire,

forged from the breath of dragons.

Maleficent, I believe this is your area of expertise.

Next time maybe something challenging.

And now, Ursula, if you don't mind?

URSULA: This what you're looking for?

- Indeed. - (RUMBLING)

- What the hell? - What is going on?

I'm leaving with my prize. And you? Uh, you're about to die.

I forgot to mention there's one more thing guarding the curse.

The Chernobog.

An ancient demon that feeds on evil.

It seeks out the heart

with the greatest potential for darkness and devours it.

That's why I really needed you three.

Adieu.

(GIGGLES)

(GROWLING)

Stop the car.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Here.

URSULA: What the hell are you talking about?

Where is this Storybrooke?

Look, I confess things aren't quite as I said.

For a man who's preaching trust, you are getting off on the wrong foot.

But if I was completely untrustworthy, would I be telling you the truth now?

The town line is 100 yards up that road.

But it's cloaked by a protection spell. Makes it impossible to see or enter.

A town you can't see or enter?

But it's the truth.

The night I was banished, I attached this tie to that tree

so I'd be able to find my way home.

Okay, let's say you are telling the truth.

How are we supposed to cross that line without any magic?

No more encores, Rumple.

We're finished with your hazy instructions

and your empty promises.

Please put the gun down. You're overreacting.

No more tricks.

If we're about to walk into a trap, tell us now, darling.

Because out here, you're nothing more than a cripple.

A coward with a real-world ability to die.

Yes, yes. You're right, you're right.

So, you say you're banished? Who banished you and why?

I bet it was his little maid.

Is that why we're here? Because of a girl?

I'm here for the same reason you are.

My happy ending. And that is the truth.

And what that is? Well, that's my business.

Just like your reasons are yours.

All that we seek is just beyond that line.

It's a place.

If you think you can find your way into this town

and face all that light magic without my help,

then be my guest.

But if you can just trust me,

you won't just get inside Storybrooke, you'll be invited.

URSULA: Mmm-hmm.

Like the people of Storybrooke are going to invite us in

with you by our side.

Yes, they will, dearie, because I won't be on your side.

All right, start talking.

Whoa! Beware of lurking pirates. What are you doing?

Just thinking.

Lurking and brooding. That's a classic combo.

I think heroes can do a little bit of bragging and celebrating.

Let's go. Let's party. We should buckle some swash or...

You know, whatever.

I'm hardly a hero. The fairies were only in the hat because I put them there.

You weren't in control of that. That was Gold.

Trust me. You have a mark in the hero column.

I hope so.

Come on.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Go on, Mom, ask.

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.

May I ask you something?

What can I do for you?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you know what this is?

Where did you get this?

The Sorcerer's mansion.

Henry found dozens of these blank books there.

The Sorcerer is here?

Well, his house is, but we haven't found him yet.

You're looking for him?

Well, I was hoping he could write me a happy ending.

(SCOFFS)

But that book seems to have great power.

Oh, it does.

So I thought if he rewrote it...

I know, it sounds crazy.

(SCOFFS)

It's not crazy at all.

But you're looking for the wrong person.

Although the Sorcerer is a very powerful wizard,

you should be looking for the Author.

EMMA: Aren't they the same person?

Why would the Sorcerer have the Author's books?

That is a quite perplexing question, and I'm afraid I do not know.

But I do know that they are two very different people.

So you know who the Author is?

No. But I do know he exists.

If he is a he.

I've never actually seen him.

In fact, no one has. Not for many years.

(SIGHS)

So this is where hope has gotten me?

We'll find him, Regina. It's not like he just vanished.

Blue, do you have any idea why he might have disappeared?

Sadly, no.

But there are whispers that he left hidden clues in some of his works.

You mean, works like Henry's book?

(RUMBLING)

(LOUD ROAR)

What the hell was that?

I suppose we should go out and see what's killing property values this time.

WOMAN: Hurry! Hurry! Get inside.

- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - (GROWLING)

(ROARING)

There's a crack in the wall. We can make it through it.

Well, that's easier said than done.

It doesn't seem to know which one of us to go after first.

Doesn't matter.

Once it makes its choice, the other two can make their way to safety.

So, what? We're just playing a game of heart roulette?

Once the other two are out of harm's way,

they can work together to save the one left behind.

Must I figure out everything?

And we're supposed to just trust you?

First time for everything.

I knew it.

- (LOUD ROAR) - (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Did that thing come out of the hat?

I thought the spell was only supposed to release the fairies.

Maybe it is some kind of fairy.

Why not put it back in the hat and figure out the rest later?

Because we can't.

Once something is freed, it can never be re-trapped.

Great. So our best defense against magical beasts

follows the same rules as chickenpox?

Surely the Savior and Evil Queen can defeat a simple hell-beast.

Can we drop the "E" word already?

(ROARING)

Well, that was easy.

Don't get excited. We only stunned it.

And a blast like that should have destroyed it.

I was just getting used to things being relaxing around here.

Belle...

I'll see if I can find anything about this thing in the library.

- Thanks. And Mary Margaret... - I'll get everyone to safety. I'm on it.

Wow, you guys really have this down.

Well, this isn't our first monster bash.

Now that that's settled,

what say you and I figure out a way to clip this bat's wings

before it comes back?

The number's all cued up.

All you have to do is press the call button.

I know how a phone works.

I just don't know if I can trust the man whose phone it is.

And why is that?

I mean, you have my phone, my entire plan.

And tonight, if you decide not to come back for me,

and stay in Storybrooke and abandon me,

I couldn't blame you.

That's why this time is different.

Because this time, my entire salvation

depends not on you trusting me, but on me trusting you.

Now, are we in this together?

I guess you'll find out tonight, won't you?

(LINE RINGING)

EMMA: Regina, who is it?

The Sea Bitch.

URSULA: I've missed you, too. How are you?

Mostly wondering how a plate of under-cooked calamari

ended up with the Dark One's cell phone.

I stole it from him.

Regina.

And where is he now?

If we're lucky, probably passed out at the dive bar

where Cruella and I left him.

Cruella?

Yes, we're back together.

Rumple found us in New York. Said he needed some old friends.

Told a tearful tale about how he was living in a quaint town

until he ruined everything.

But he said it was a special place where villains could find redemption.

Regina, Rumplestiltskin told us how you've changed.

And we've changed, too.

We've learned our lessons,

and we'd like a chance to prove it to you.

Please. Let us in.

Sorry, dears,

but we have enough problems

- without inviting two... - (LOUD ROAR)

Is one of those problems a hell-bat with beady eyes and devil horns?

How did you know that?

Because that's the exact same sound it made before it tried to kill me.

Oh. So you've faced this creature before?

Yes, and I can tell you exactly what it wants.

How convenient.

(WHISPERING) They've been living in a land without magic.

How could they do it?

It's the hat.

I know.

Fine.

Tell us what it wants.

And then you'll let us in?

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

Well, then I guess you're on your own.

Wait.

The Snow Queen's scroll let her into Storybrooke once,

maybe it'll work for them.

All right, squid,

if your information pans out, we'll consider letting you in.

Those are my terms.

You've got a deal.

You want darkness? I'll give you darkness.

(ROARING)

We had a deal, witches!

(YELLING)

I hope you choke on my bones.

(CHERNOBOG ROARING)

Lovely.

Now I'll never get the smell of fish out of this dress.

You're welcome.

(ROARING)

Regina, we're not sure it's after you.

(SCOFFS) Of course it's after me.

Ursula said that it devours the heart with the darkest potential.

Now that Gold's gone, who else could that be?

Is there a dwarf named Evil-y?

It's me.

We're not gonna just sacrifice you.

I'm not sure we have much of a choice.

That thing's magical, right?

I would say "magical" is a pretty good guess.

So if it's magic, what happens if it leaves town for a world with no magic?

No magic. No beast.

So all we have to do is lead it over the town line.

The Chernobog withstood both of our powers combined.

Even if I poof myself to the town line,

the second I'm out in the open, it'll crush me like a bug.

Not if you've got some help. Trust me.

(SIGHS)

What?

Okay. Be careful.

They found a way to stop the beast.

Great. Why aren't you smiling?

Because Cruella and Ursula are here.

(ROARING)

What made you choose yellow?

- What? - Your Bug.

Yellow? Bold choice.

I like yellow. And I stole it.

Is this really the time to question my taste?

Sorry, I'm just trying not to think about being some demon's lunch.

You're not going to be.

Glad you're confident.

What, is this thing made of tin?

Hang on, we're almost there.

It's too late.

I'm not going to let both of us die in this metal coffin on wheels.

- Thanks for trying, Miss Swan. - What?

Regina?

Hey!

(ROARING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SIGHS)

Emma!

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

So Cruella and Ursula were telling the truth?

It would appear so.

No, wait. Emma...

I think this is a bad idea.

Look, they may have told the truth this time.

That doesn't mean they can be trusted.

Mom, this doesn't sound like you.

- You believe the best in everyone. - I'm also a realist.

Emma, she's right.

Things were just starting to get back to normal in Storybrooke.

You, too?

Look, we don't know anything about these two.

They could be looking for redemption,

but they also could be as evil as Mr. Gold.

Or Zelena. Or worse.

That could be, but they just helped us, and we made a deal.

Doesn't matter. It's a bad idea. They're villains.

You're right, they are. They're horrible.

But not as horrible as I once was.

And if I deserve a second chance, so do they.

How can I sit here looking for my happiness

and deny two others the chance at theirs?

I'm with Regina. We let them in.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Welcome to Storybrooke.

Thank you, Regina. You won't regret it.

I better not.

Hmm.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(WHOOSHING)

We're back, darling.

You didn't think we'd abandoned you, did you, Dark One?

Of course not.

We're a team.

Nice duds. Now what do we do?

Now? We begin our task.

It's simple, really.

Continue to repent your wicked ways.

Make friends. Build relationships.

CRUELLA: And just what will you be doing?

GOLD: I'll continue my work behind the scenes, of course.

Sounds like we're doing everything. Again.

How did you think we got in here?

And how do you think that Chernobog was released?

It was me.

I'm the Oxford professor who translated the spell for Belle.

The spell that released the fairies,

and also happened to unleash that monstrosity.

So I ask you to consider

what I was able to do on the outside at my lowest point

without magic.

And then consider what I'm able to do in here.

So maybe we should stop bickering and get on with this.

So our team is one member short.

And it's time to reunite the band.

You don't mean...

- Maleficent. - But she's dead.

Not entirely.

Well, just what does that mean?

It means we have our work cut out. Much to prepare.

I don't like it. Dead or alive, we got a bigger problem. Regina.

What makes you say that?

That beast was unable to defeat her.

As bad as Maleficent is, Regina's dark heart is far worse.

You are so filled with assumptions.

Regina is not the one we have to worry about.

- What? - That beast did seek out the heart

with the greatest potential for darkness, yes.

But it wasn't going after Regina.

It was after Emma Swan.

What do you suppose the boy's up to now?

Being Henry.

If anyone's gonna get that Author out of the book, it's him.

Hmm. You've become quite the optimist, Swan.

Have I?

Guess I couldn't really help it between him and my parents.

Well, that reminds me. Aren't they supposed to be here?

You're right. I wonder what's keeping them.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

CRUELLA: Well, well, well, look who's here.

It's been a long time.

We gotta talk.

Oh, so the Prince wants a chat.

Okay, handsome, talk.

This is our town.

Now, if you've really turned over a new leaf, you're welcome to stay.

My, aren't we generous?

On one condition.

No one must ever know

what happened between us in the enchanted forest.

And if you say one single word to anyone,

especially Emma,

you won't have to worry about the Evil Queen.

I'll rip out your hearts myself.

Ripped By mstoll