Original subtitles

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

Well, that's it for another series of Not Going Out.

The audience has gone home, the doors are locked,

Bobby Ball has been frozen and put back into storage for another year,

and the cameras have stopped rolling.

Apart from this one, obviously.

And this one.

And - oh, no, that one is actually off.

But, since we're here, let's have a look at some of the moments

that haven't made it into the final shows,

the bits of Not Going Out that didn't go out.

The Not Going Outtakes.

The It'll Not Be Going All Right Out On The Nighttakes -

is it any wonder I make mistakes when people write stuff like this?

Play the bloopers.

DIRECTOR: And action!

LEE: Did you say action?

LAUGHTER

Did you say action? I did. Right.

Well, at least I'm not a great, big knitter,

followed by a huge plate of excessive freezer-defrosting

complaints, all topped off with a massive bowl of chocolate

chip traffa - I almost got it. You so nearly did. You nearly did!

BLEEP hell, I was close.

Oh, you're laughing now - buckle in.

LAUGHTER

If you've got any flasks and rugs, now's the time to get 'em out.

It's going to be a long journey

and we're going to go through it together.

So, um, you've not been here since you were a little boy?

No. Not since Auntie Maureen went away for Christmas and me and me dad

came up here, just the two of us.

Although I didn't see much of him. He left me to entertain myself.

I wouldn't have minded... BLEEP!

No. Not since Auntie Maureen went away for Christmas and...

LAUGHTER

Yeah, Auntie Maureen went away for Christmas and it was just me

and me dad came up here, on our own, just the two of us -

can I start this whole scene again?

Yeah, not since Auntie Maureen came up... Oh. BLEEP.

Yeah, Auntie Maureen went away for Christmas and me

and me dad came up here, just the two of us.

Although I hardly ever saw him.

Left me to entertain myself in front of the box.

I wouldn't have minded if we had a television, but you could only...

BLEEP!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, Auntie Maureen went away for Christmas, so me and me dad

came up here, just the two of us. Although I hardly ever saw him.

Left me to entertain myself in front of the box.

I wouldn't have minded if we had a television,

but there's only so much entertainment...

Phwoar, I was close.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, not since Auntie Maureen went away for Christmas and me

and me dad came up here, just the two of us.

Although I didn't see much of him. Left me to entertain myself.

I don't know this line, I've decided.

Last Of The Summer Wine, take seven.

LAUGHTER

If you were with me, it'd give me the confidence to face my fear.

I've got another line, haven't I? Sorry.

The numbskulls in me brain were so busy celebrating that line

they forgot to carry on. They're going, "PAAAAARTY!"

And then one of them went, "BLEEP, it's us again! Quick!

"Back to your positions!"

I mean, I will do the actual removal of the baby if I - no.

I mean, I mean - oh, BLEEP, just have the baby, I don't care.

LAUGHTER

I'm washing me hands of it, I don't care, it's not my problem.

I'm off skiing. BLEEP it, no, I'm skiing.

"I mean, if you do..." What?

I mean, if you actually do the removal of the baby...

"I'll do everything else." Oh, good, I don't have to get involved, then?

I mean, if you do the actual removal of the baby, I'll do

everything else. I mean, if you do the actual removal of the baby,

I'll do everything else. I mean, if you do the actual removal

of the baby, I'll do everything else. And action! Fish and chips.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Lucy, give me some credit. I'm his best mate.

I'll just offer words of encouragement.

SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

Stay there, stay there.

I can't do it if they're going to laugh every time. Sorry.

I didn't think they were going to laugh every time.

It's making me laugh. Right, here we go.

OK, I've got it this time.

HE LAUGHS

Action!

Good God. Ozzy...

LAUGHTER

OK, just give us a minute. Right...

THEY LAUGH

Here we go. Go! And action!

Good God, Ozzy Osbourne's been tangoed.

The type that made him grow an extra penis on his back.

Anabolic? No, just the penis.

SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

So you're not worried he'll come after you?

No. The police reckon he'll be banged up for years.

Apparently, they've been trying to pin something...

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

LAUGHTER

That's why he does that.

He's forgetting his line, that's all he's doing.

So you're not worried he'll come after you?

No. The police reckon he'll be banged up for years.

Apparently, they've been trying to pin something on him for years.

No. Apparently...

Oh, for God's sake.

So you're not worried he'll come after you?

Yes, I'm worried.

LAUGHTER

So, what's the plan now, Mr No-Gadgets-Allowed?

We're going to use a map, Mrs...Tits.

I'll get us to that campsite... HE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

Give me one more chance. Sorry.

So, what's the plan now, Mr No-Gadgets-Allowed?

We're going to use a map, Mrs...Tits.

HE LAUGHS

It's very difficult to do, this.

So, what's the plan now, Mr No-Gadgets-Allowed?

Right, go, say it again, I'm ready.

So, what's the plan now, Mr No-Gadgets-Allowed?

We're going to use a map, Mrs...Tits.

I'll get us to that campsite and have the barbecue...

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

I've got words...

I've taken the words out, I'm not going to read the words out.

Tim, it's not washing powder, it's drugs. And you need to...

look at my lines, which I've cheated on that newspaper...

LAUGHTER

I'm just sticking me notes on that I'm pretending I've learned.

LAUGHTER

Picking up from your line, "You..."

I think my character would be reading a magazine.

LAUGHTER

Look, OK, we have to tell someone.

Yes, but who?

Yes, but who? There must be other...

SHE LAUGHS

"There must be..." I know! It's written all over the thing,

I've just trying to find which BLEEP line!

Every time I look up I've got a different scene looking back at me.

I'm having a breakdown on here.

Don't need that - that's her lines, sorry!

OK, look, we have to tell someone.

Yeah, but who? There must be more people involved than just them two.

Think about it, they managed to smuggle a gun in a bag.

There must be other peo...ple...

AS MICHAEL CAINE: They must have someone on the inside.

LAUGHTER

Told you not to blow the bloody window out!

OK, look, we have to tell someone.

Yeah, but who? There must be more people involved than just them two!

HE LAUGHS

Stop it!

Yeah, but who? Just go from my line. DIRECTOR: OK. She's rubbish.

Or something.

Something about fannies and vaginas and width and tape measure.

Put 'em together however you want those words.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm sorry, I appear to have come on this skiing holiday

without packing my tape measure.

I was going to pack it on the off chance I had to measure the width

of a stranger's fanny in a cable car, but, no, I seem to have

forgotten it and left it at home and I've done it wrong again.

Oh... Oh, I'm sorry,

Oh, I'm sorry, I appear to have come on this skiing holiday without...

What am I doing? I'm having a breakdown! Wait!

Genuinely think I'm having a breakdown.

Oh, I'm sorry - are you recording this?

Oh, I'm... Oh, I'm sorry, I appear to have left my tape...

Oh, I'm sorry, I appear to have come on this skiing holiday...

LAUGHTER

I'm losing it now.

Oh, I'm sorry, I appear to have left my tape measure at home.

I was going to pack it.

Oh, I'm sorry, I appear to be...

SHE GROANS

Shush.

Stop laughing at me!

Stop it! She's not in shot, can she not look at me?

Tell the actress to stop looking at me.

It's amazing how different people look in their passport photos,

isn't it?

"Some people", innit? I'll say it again.

WOMAN: "How different people..."

OK, so I got it right, then. Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, those clips made it look like I'm always the one getting it wrong.

Not true. One of the worst people for messing things up

I thought you'd gone out. Gone out?

I don't live here, Lee. This isn't a real flat.

The light switches don't actually work. I know.

The phone's not really connected. Yes, I know that, too.

The toilet's not plumbed in.

Excuse me a minute, I just need to go and sort something out.

So, here are all the mistakes I've made. All the mistakes?

We only get half an hour. Just play the VT.

OK, enjoy your trip, Thailand.

"Enjoy your trip, Thailand"?

LAUGHTER

A pregnancy test? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Did you go on screensaver again? I did.

What was he doing? Throwing eggs at people.

The clown in the woods!

I don't know, he ran off.

"Oh, God, do you reckon he's a psychopath?"

Oh, God, do you reckon he's a psychopath?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

God.

It's like when I was working with bloody Keith Harris and Orville.

Brilliant. Until now we could have handed the plate over

and acted all casual about it,

like we hadn't even noticed the extra toe, but now as soon as we...

MAN: Lee? Yeah? Oh, it's my fault, where I was stood, yeah? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Brilliant.

Until now we could have...

LAUGHTER

Sorry.

OK.

LAUGHTER

Scary knowing the only thing separating me from death

is one single plank.

SHE LAUGHS

You know, have a...

thingy and see if there's any wotsits or anything.

LAUGHING: They're struggling with a tag line for the campaign...

They're struggling with a tag line for the campaign. Can we use that?

I'll you exactly what you need to do.

"First, you need to have a bath, which will soften the scrotum.

LAUGHING: "Then roll each testicle between..." Sorry.

LAUGHTER

"First, you need to have a bath, which will soften the scrotum.

LAUGHING: "Then roll each testicle between..."

LAUGHTER

LAUGHING: "First, you need to have a bath..."

LAUGHTER

Sorry, I'm not going to be able to do it.

God.

"First, you need to have a bath,

"which will soften the skin of the scrotum."

SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

So sorry.

LAUGHTER

You are so immature.

LAUGHTER

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry.

Where did that come from?

LAUGHTER

Here, let me do that.

Bloody hell!

Of course, Sally Bretton isn't the only half-competent,

semi-literate chancer I'm forced to work with.

Your name's not Sharon Stone.

Yeah, I know. So why did you say it?

Cos I thought we were supposed to be making mistakes.

No, we're just introducing the real mistakes you made during the show.

Oh, right, well, that was a waste of an hour, then, wasn't it? What was?

Well, I made this prop mug, so when you pick it up the handle comes off.

Look.

CUP SMASHES

Oh, it was that one.

DIRECTOR: And action!

KATY: Oh, is it for me? Yes, please. Oh, sorry.

LAUGHTER

Told you it wasn't an act.

Oh, OK, sorry. Whose go is it? It's me. "Whose go is it?"

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, Sal - oh, I just called you by your real name.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, get Bear Grylls.

No, they're definitely not allowed.

SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

THEY LAUGH

I hope you have more luck than Ronnie Barker.

Was he one of the Krays?

Talking of...

THEY LAUGH

Oh, is this about his ears again?

You know he's sensitive.

It's not like he keeps going on about you and your big nose.

SHE SNIGGERS

Oh, is this about his ears again? You know he's sensitive.

It's not like he keeps going on about you and your big nose.

I haven't got a big nose. All right.

Oh, is this about...

SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry.

She said,

"But your friend Lee, I think he might be the one.

"And if he isn't...

"And if he ever does anything to hurt me,

"I will make sure that his life isn't worth..."

SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

Oh, no, the bird's back.

Well, let's hope it's not a stork.

Oh, I've got to get him away from the menech - the "menechamism."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But she was just upset because the dog hit one of the - no!

LAUGHTER

No, not that. Sorry. Not that.

Not what I said. Not what she said.

Daisy, do you mind if I have a little talk with Lucy?

No, that's fine.

SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

Daisy, do you mind if I have a little talk with Lucy?

No, that's fine.

Alone.

SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK...we'll give up, that'll do.

Daisy, do you mind if I have a little talk with Lucy?

No, that's fine.

SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

Just keep going, keep going, keep going.

LAUGHTER

You have to come up with answers that no-one... Uh-oh.

LAUGHTER

My turn.

Over the years, lots of famous faces have made guest appearances

in Not Going Out.

Timothy West, Miranda Hart, and Hugh Dennis to name...all of them.

Of course, even the best actors in the world can make mistakes,

so you can just imagine what this lot were capable of.

I didn't hire a cleaner.

No idea.

LAUGHTER

You really have got the most...

You really have got the most middle class...

You really have got massive ears.

Is it time for this?

LAUGHTER

Who needs a warm-up man when we've got Tim's ears?

LAUGHTER

I know it says on that mat "Welcome" but - what you laughing at?

LAUGHTER

They didn't have...

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

LAUGHTER

And the keys were on a overnight mail plane - train - plane.

LAUGHTER

It's OK, Lucy. He's right to say these things.

I've been a terrible dad. Carry on.

I wish I could remember me lines.

LAUGHTER

It's always at the start for me, isn't it?

Yeah, the middle and the end isn't great either, to be honest.

LAUGHTER

Get me Russ Abbot. Russ Abbot.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, well, this is easily fixed.

Give it here. Dad!

For goodness' sake, Timothy.

Hmm...

LAUGHTER

You knew? I thought only I knew.

You knew? I know.

I know you knew?

You knew I knew. No. No...

Go easy, Lee, his mum just died.

She died in 19... What was it?

LAUGHTER

Look, Geoffrey, I know what you think of me. But me...

Look, Jul - Julie?

LAUGHTER

It is Julie, isn't it? Yeah.

Look, J... oh, God.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LEE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF

Marrying her makes me want to be a better person.

Do you know what time the bus is coming, mate?

LAUGHTER

Hello. Anna was just saying how lovely it was to get your...

No, I've cocked that up.

We've just asked each other what scene this is

and neither of us know.

After the first three words, we could be going anywhere.

Let's see what happens. SLURRING: But it's fine cos we're in a bar.

LAUGHTER

These are his bits and pieces.

Blimey, we're going into - no, we're not going in...

Is he? The pram got jammed in the doorway and it threw me.

Oh, yeah, blame it on me.

I was worried about the safety of the child. I say "child"...

Look at that horrible thing!

LAUGHTER

Look at that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The things that go wrong on the show

fall into lots of different categories. There are missed cues...

Technical mishaps... ..continuity errors... Fluffed lines...

..and continuity errors.

..and some that fall into no category at all. Take a look at these.

Continuity errors.

Oh, BLEEP!

Don't laugh. Do not laugh. I can't get up.

LAUGHTER

..pick up from there, please.

There's no... I see it. What?

WOMAN: ..your shirt? Oh, sorry.

LAUGHTER

SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

.."one thing we know is that Geoffrey's not a thief."

So you can start there and you're moving round. OK.

Start there. Look, we need to sort this out.

SHE LAUGHS

Pick it up, please. Carry on. I'll tell you when you get something wrong

and then it's you, Lee.

LAUGHTER

Ah, here he is.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

What statistics?

LAUGHTER

What are you doing?!

I think you need a breath of fresh air.

I don't need a... The bloody brakes are on!

Get off.

Woman aren't as good at map reading.

What? It's not sexist.

Sorry, can we turn the indicator off?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The hazard. Oh, it's me. Sorry.

I turned the hazard lights on with me knees, I'm sorry.

He kneed the hazards. I panicked.

A woman attacked me from behind, I hit hazard lights.

And if you keep treating me like the cuckold husband

while you flirt with other men, I will keep turning up.

Fine, do you know what?

You win. I now declare this marriage...

Get the ring off.

Oh, God. I'm swelling. Can we get an actress with less chubby fingers?

Oh, do you know what? Fine. You win, then.

Oh! Hang on. Sorry.

Extra pastie at lunch.

We've changed the ring, we're all right.

Luckily, somebody had a bulldog's collar and we're going to try it.

SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

Well, that was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it?

Can't believe I was even having a bath. It's not even my birthday.

See if you can work out what was wrong with that.

LAUGHTER

There's a camera there on my face, love.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

People ask me a lot of questions about the show.

Like, "Where do you get your ideas from?"

"How long does it take to write an episode?"

"Is it true Sally Bretton is rented from a prop store

"and wheeled around on castors?" WHISPERING: Yes.

But the question I'm asked most often is,

"Can you show a package of outtakes where people swear?"

And the answer to that one is, "BLEEP yeah."

I once... BLEEP!

LAUGHTER

"Pizza delivery boy"? You've got to be joking.

Well, there is another option, if you want. Involving sex.

What?

Take the pizza delivery job or you can go and get BLEEP!

THEY LAUGH

It feels so wrong coming out of her mouth, doesn't it?

Out of my mouth, no-one bats an eyelid.

I've got an alternate way of doing this. Watch this.

BLEEP off.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Have you been wanking in the bath?

SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

No, there's nothing else as good for ages. Toby should feel bad.

I'm glad we're in...

Piddle, poo, fart, pants.

LAUGHTER

What do you want? I've got a favour to ask. Go on.

But you've got to promise not to just say no straightaway. OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

That was the Not Going Out bloopers show -

my chance to show you some of the moments I'd rather you didn't see.

Well, obviously that's not true because you showed them.

coaxed down from the lighting rig with a packet of Bourbons.

Yeah, or the time you bought your "girlfriend" in but she threatened

to go to the newspapers when you ended paying her in loose change.

Or the time that... Can you go away?

So, until next time. I've got a good one this time.

The show is finished. But I spent ages setting this one up.

I've loosened the bolts on that spotlight to make it fall

on your head. It's a classic blooper. They'll love it.

CRASHING AND SCREAMING

Sorry, Sal.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout