Original subtitles

Banished from our solar system for crimes committed against humanity.

Drifting through that black void of ageless, timeless space.

Aimlessly wandering about the universe.

Waiting for the precise moment.

That exact reoccurrence of events to take place in order that she might

And now, Krita Borgia, arch -villainess of all time, has set into motion

her plan to once again try and conquer the universe.

Earth's gravitational pull increasing to 0 .0165 coordinates.

Continue present course.

Status report on landing party.

Unchanged. We've been without communication for 31 minutes.

Communication just received.

Landing party successful.

Captives are being held at the Earth Bank.

Start duplication at once.

Oh, Krita, you are a genius.

They'll all be mine.

I will rule the universe.

Krita Borgia.

Queen of the universe.

Phase two. Phase two. Begin landing, Seaplane.

Alter course for phase two coordinates.

I love myself.

What are the coordinates for the Safeway parking lot in Burbank?

And watch out for that dumb shit produce truck driver.

He threw a tomato at me last time.

And so it was a week ago last Thursday that Krita Borgia returned to Earth and

began her fiendish plan to conquer the universe.

There was but one obstacle in her path, one defender of justice, the only

person capable of stopping her.

A coward's way out.

Is that what you want?

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to jump.

What's your name?

Charles.

Charles Brody. But why, Charles?

I can't handle it anymore. The pressure.

The guys I have to deal with.

What kind of work are you in, Charles?

I'm in the film business.

A producer.

Oh, I know you're clever.

Don't try to stop me.

The lying, the cheating, the stealing.

That's what I can't take anymore.

Dealing with those people.

I just can't take it anymore.

All you need is a reason to keep living.

You think I haven't tried?

I haven't searched for something? Anything?

There's just nothing left.

Maybe I can give you something.

I don't know.

I don't know what to say or think anymore.

Just say what's on your mind.

You've got a great set of tits.

That's great.

Oh, that's the greatest ever.

It's never been like this before.

Do you enjoy that, Charles?

Oh, yes.

Don't stop.

See, Charles?

I told you. There's a reason to go on living.

Do you like the way I stroke your cock?

I love it.

Talk dirty to me.

Talk dirty, bitch.

Oh, Charles, do you want to fuck me?

Yeah.

Yeah. Do you want to fuck me now, Charles?

Yeah. That's good, because I want you to fuck me.

Fuck me now, Charles.

Oh, yes, Charles.

It feels so good when you fuck me.

Glad you came when you didn't.

Saved my life.

No, turn around the other way.

I want to be able to see your ass.

Yeah.

Just like that.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That looks great.

Beautiful.

Oh, yes, Charles. Oh, good.

Move faster.

Fuck me good.

Oh, yeah.

That's right. You're doing it.

You're fucking me so good.

Oh, fuck me.

Fuck me. Oh, yeah. Fuck my pussy good.

Kay, if I put it in your ass, I mean, it feels so good in your pussy.

Can you see my ass all right, Charles? Oh, you bet I see it.

You want to fuck me in the ass? Oh, yeah, I do.

Do it, Charles. Fuck me in the ass.

You mean it's... Yeah.

Oh. Great.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, this is great.

Good job.

This is great. I can hardly wait.

Oh.

I was so excited.

I wanted to put in your ass so much. I came.

Oh, I felt so good.

Wow.

That was great, Charles.

Really great.

That was the greatest ever for me. Actually, he's not a bad lad.

But I'd better end this now. I've got to figure out how to find John. I'm kind

of tired now, Charles.

I want to get some rest.

Why don't you go home and get some too?

Okay.

Thanks. Bye.

So long.

What a fucking dump.

It's the best the rental agency could do on such short notice.

Take a memo. Make sure we never use that bastard again.

And put that produce truck driver on there, too.

Goddamn tomato is all over the place.

I'm in a cornhole, that son of a bitch.

When are you ever going to learn to fly that freaking thing? I told you to watch

out for that bastard, and you had to land right next to him. It was the only

place left in the parking lot.

Forget it.

How is our work progressing?

It should be ready soon.

If I don't find you, I don't know what I'll do.

Nice set of tits.

Legs to match.

A pile driving ass.

Listen to me.

I'm starting to sound like that conceited bitch, Krita Borgia.

It is ready.

Set it down. Set it down.

Break it. It's your ass.

Everybody get back.

Convenient, huh?

Get the lights.

Dildo. Is it exact? It's a perfect duplicate of boyfriend.

I made sure of it.

14 inches.

With this, this will be your death.

You know, After I saw that replica they made from you, I had to see the real

thing for myself.

What does she intend to do with it?

Not just yet.

If I tell you, you might decide to get soft.

Okay, have it your way.

I'll just lay here and enjoy the sights.

Enjoy yourself.

Well, you can.

What are you doing?

Uh, censoring the X -rated movie ads.

Huh.

Lois, L .A. Times.

One moment, please.

Do you think we could possibly spring for two phones in this office? I mean,

are the largest paper in town.

Clark.

A what?

200 feet long?

You're kidding.

No, you bet I am.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Strange buzzing sound coming from inside.

Really?

Uh -huh.

Really. Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Yeah.

Right, you bet. I'll be right over.

What is it?

A prank call. Forget it.

I knew it was too good to be true. We never get a hot tip anymore.

Yeah, she's really come through for us.

Do you remember the best one she ever gave me?

Man swallows hand grenade in crowded elevator.

That was big, Clark.

Really big.

And hey, yeah. What about the ruptured fire hydrant story?

Woman dies of accidental over douche.

What a story.

Boy, that was a good one.

Well, that's a good old day.

I remember capturing V .D. Bandit.

Just a pretty call, huh?

Oh, good morning, Linda. Morning, Linda.

Yeah. Some nut called and said there was a spaceship parked at the supermarket

parking lot.

What? A spaceship?

It was just a prank call.

Oh, it's Crete and Borgia's spaceship.

Clark, why don't I check out that call for you?

Things are slow around here, and if it is something, we don't want the examiner

to get scooped. Well, you can if you really want to, but if there's anything

it, someone would already have told us.

Hey, Linda.

About the kidnapping of his boyfriend.

Do you have a chance to question the neighbors about that yet? No, I haven't

found anyone at home yet.

Well, I should check it out while Linda's gone.

I can handle things here.

And, hey, do you have something, okay?

We need a follow -up headline for that kidnapped boyfriend story.

Why would they abandon their craft?

If Krita Voyage is all right, I'm sure of that.

If Krita did kidnap John, she must be holding him hostage somewhere else. But

why?

What are you doing here?

I'm Linda.

I'm a reporter from the L .A. Times, and we were interested in using you and

your spaceship for a cover story, and we were wondering if you could... Shut up.

If my instincts are right, these two will take me with them as prisoner.

Okay, get out.

And if you are a reporter, you don't print one word in the paper.

Right? I've got to do something fast. Well, if that's the way you want it, bet

you're passing up a lot of great publicity for you and your spaceship.

Get out.

Those are nice uniforms you have there, but too bad there's a speck of dust

right there.

Well, I guess I'll be going now.

Not just yet, you don't.

How would you like to fuck me while I suck your friend?

Yeah? I'm lost.

So what?

I wonder if you could help me?

Lady, I don't help nobody.

Get lost.

I'm a reporter for the LA Times. The man next door to you was kidnapped.

I know all about it.

I read the papers too.

So he was... boyfriend.

She wants him back. Let her find him. Me?

I don't care.

Did he talk to you for a few minutes?

One of my favorite programs comes on in just a few minutes, so make it snappy.

Did you happen to hear anything?

Sure, I hear lots of things. I hear them fucking all the time. They fuck a lot.

What else do you want to know?

I think I should leave.

Hold it.

You said you came here to ask me questions. Ask me questions.

You don't seem very interested in helping me.

I don't kiss your ass, and you think I'm not interested.

I'll tell you what I'm interested in.

I'm interested in getting a job, getting some money.

And I'm interested in getting some pussy, too.

Thought you said you were a reporter.

Won't find out anything that way.

Are you going to help me?

Every man has his price.

If it's money you want.

Come over here.

I'm getting by on my unemployment.

Never even looking for a job for me.

That leaves only one thing I could possibly be interested in.

How can I be sure you know anything?

You can't.

But if you leave now, you'll never know.

Pack up your skirt a little.

I bet you got nice legs.

Oh, come on, honey. You're not going to chicken out on old Jake now, are you?

Let me see your pussy.

Get it all on subscription television.

And get with the program.

Racing from Santa Anita.

Major League Sports action with live home games from the Kings, Angels,

Aztecs, the Cirque, and the Dodgers.

Plus major motion pictures for $18 .95 a month after a standard installation

fee.

Kneel down here, sweetheart, and give old Jake some loving.

Ready to see the stars really close up? Then you've got to visit Movie Land Wax

Museum. And see how tall John Wayne really stands.

How Streisand looks in a $4 ,000 gown.

How blue Paul Newman's eyes are. And how it felt to be trapped in the Poseidon.

You'll discover a lot more because you're right there with hundreds of

incredibly lifelike movie and TV stars.

Oh, look at that.

Now that's one big man.

Save this Movie Land Wax Museum.

Not so fast.

Get up here, goddammit.

On the sofa, hands and knees.

Now put my cock in that sweet little pussy of yours.

Hey, what do you got there?

Milky Way.

We mix the sugar, mix it creamy smooth.

Good caramel, just so.

Blend our own milk chocolate.

Then we put those three great things in one delicious place.

Milky Way.

It's Battlestar Galactica Space Pack stickers.

Three Space Packs on each card. With Battlestar Space Pack, you can get most

anything on Galactica.

One of four cards in specially marked... Fox is a lucky charm.

Honey, I'm not going to let you forget my name.

Now tell me.

What's my name?

Oh, Jake.

What am I doing to you?

You're fucking me.

Oh, you learn fast.

Now tell me again, what am I doing to you? Oh, you're fucking me.

Where?

I love that they look like this.

They look good.

Do you have a friend?

My pussy's begging for attention.

I shouldn't be doing this.

I know I shouldn't be doing this.

John is missing and here I am enjoying myself.

Fuck me.

Oh, fuck me hard.

If only I could reveal my powers, I could really show these two some fancy

schooling.

asked before huh

Don't you fucking move.

I love it. I know you love it.

Now you know my name, huh?

Tell me if you have any questions, anytime.

Take that fucking cock.

Here's what you came for and you fucking knew it.

Fucking shit.

Come on, take that cock.

You like that?

You're too quiet.

Tell me you like that.

Oh.

You sure know how to do that?

Old Jake might not think you like this.

Huh?

No! No!

healthy voice is in trouble.

Uh, excuse me.

Is there a place where I can freshen up a bit?

That girl was really a piece of work, wasn't she? You're not kidding.

Sure beats that galactic pussy we've been getting.

That corn pussy wasn't bad.

Yeah, but I couldn't turn on the girls with three tits.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, but those double -cunted dargoids were good.

Hey, what was that?

get some glasses.

I was only pretending to like it in the end. That doesn't sound right, does it,

though? Never mind, Lewis.

I'll call you a cab.

Oh, darn.

I thought I could ride with you.

I'm sorry, Lewis.

My insurance doesn't cover riders.

Uh, how do you think I'd look in glasses?

With or without, you'd look swell.

Oh, thanks.

What a neat person.

No, I... Dude, that was fine. Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah? Uh -huh.

That would be just fine. Sure.

Is that a disguise?

Sure, sure. Okay. Fine, fine. I take care of that. Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Okay. Oh, okay, yeah.

That's fine, that's fine. Thank you. Yeah, thank you.

Clark, can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to take out an ad in your paper.

Certainly, certainly. Let me find a pen.

Here we go.

Okay, ready.

Don't try to see.

I have lead all around me.

That man you miss brings me happiness

and bliss.

To see him alive, it's tomorrow

at five.

Be near the park benches.

Or he's my 14 inches.

Oh, I love it. I love it.

Can I read that back to you?

I'm so smart.

I really get off on myself sometimes.

Dear boy, do take off those glasses.

I wish their tongues were as long as their cock.

Got your little diffy up, huh?

to be able to get off like this.

Honey?

Hey, fuckhead.

Listen,

sweetie.

Why don't we move to the floor? It's a little uncomfortable here on the desk.

I guess you're not that mild after all.

Don't flatter yourself.

You're worthless to me.

No more than extra bait on the hook.

Perhaps we'll be better at finding two missing persons than one.

She's not interested in me.

She's looking for a missing boyfriend.

And that's where you're taking me?

You're a real whip, Clark.

Jesus, how the hell did this guy make editor?

Make the call, Clark.

Hello, copy?

Yeah, Clark.

Kind of depressed.

Fools. You fools will play right into my trap.

Tie him up and bring him with us. You'll never get away with it. Shut him up.

I'll see the end of you.

Where's the... Hey, dildo. I'm going to cornhole this fucker.

How dare he mention her to me? And you two. Where the hell...

And fuck this creep for over two hours waiting for you to get here. We had to

check out the Battlestar craft to make sure it was still operational.

For two hours?

There was someone there.

She was a reporter.

A reporter?

What did she look like? She had a great set of tits. Oh, with legs to match.

And a pile -driving ass?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You fool! You idiot! That was... We were fucking...

lunch hour ever.

Not even one com.

I promise I'll get that window replaced.

All right, the window and some body work.

All right, the window and all the body work.

A bundle? One newspaper would have been enough. That is one newspaper. Read it.

Newspaper editor Clark Click kidnapped.

He's got to do something.

Just to drop her.

He's got to get a hold of her.

I don't know how to get in touch with her.

She's your friend. You're the only one who can.

I'll do the best I can.

I have a lead to go on now. I'll spend the night here to see if this ransom

will pay.

All right. I'll see if I can get in touch.

Don't try to see.

I have lead all around me.

The man you miss.

You don't have to if you don't want to.

Why don't you undo my other hand and then we can enjoy ourselves properly.

One is enough for now.

I don't know what you're here for, but if that's all you want, fine by me.

Just do me, okay?

Show me how to start this thing.

If we can cut off Queen's escape, it'll be a showdown between her and... Here,

you'll need a key to start it. A key?

How else could you crank the engine?

Well, what's the power source in this thing, anyway? Two blown and injected

Chrysler hemming.

What? This is just for inner atmosphere travel.

Outside that, we switched to the solar graphite power cells.

Who designed this contraption?

On one, turn the key.

Four...

Three, two, one.

I forgot to turn on the sound suppression device.

Time's fucking real.

Tomatoes, get your red -hot tomatoes. Get away from here. The Black Hawk could

kill him.

That'll teach you to park this fucking thing next to my tomato truck.

Tomatoes, get your red -hot tomatoes.

You fools.

Lois and Clark.

Lois and Clark.

Were you ever in the expedition business?

Lois and Clark, get it?

Dummy.

I'll ask you one time and one time only.

Where are they?

I'll have a little surprise for you. Take off her clothes and put on... No!

Looked out for your happiness?

Tell me, my pet, why do you return my love for you this way?

Shall I prove my love to you again?

You've got a free hand.

Would it be nicer to cooperate?

I've waited for this moment.

I will delay your death only long enough to enjoy it.

Strip her and put her in my chair.

And now, my pets, you won't be giving me any more trouble, will you?

Somebody. Our only hope. We're doomed.

And

now,

you shall get your due.

She's going to die.

What's going to happen to us?

What are we going to do to us?

Die. Die.

Oh, excuse me, old chap. Is this the flower department?

Does that look like a creeping red ficus to you?

Mildred, close your lily eyes, Mildred. It's not a proper sight for the likes of

you. I've seen one before, you know. Yeah, but I might add it's always been

attached to the body.

And what might you be doing, me lad?

Oh, we were looking to buy some cucumbers, we were.

Cucumbers, is it?

Well, that's a handsome member you're sporting there.

Aye, that it is indeed.

Would you be caring for a taste?

No, it's a frightful big for my own taste.

Perhaps your lady friend.

Come on with you, wasting such a specimen on the like of me.

And what type of treasure might she be hiding there?

If it's treasure you're looking for, you're apt to be a mite disappointed.

The only thing seed in the size of her mouth is the size of her... Well, I

say I didn't...

Boy, was that a close encounter.

Jesus, Clark.

Sorry, that's about all I could think of.

Hey!

Where did I talk to Linda? She'll never believe this.

You were out like that?

I had no choice.

You had my clothes.

You must have flashed the whole city.

Oh, I missed you so much.

Hey, those are mine.

Hello?

This is it.

This time I'm going to jump.

Oh, I thought we had that settled.

It never ends.

Always something new.

Somebody trying to take advantage.

Someone to make life miserable.

Come on in. 365 days a year.

What's that?

I work 365 days a year. What do you think? That fighting climate injustice

just a bowl full of cherries?

Well, think again. It's not.

I have people's lives to save that must be saved.

I have to get up every Christmas morning, on every holiday.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Thank you, Carl.

Bye.

So it's goodbye to Charles, goodbye to Krita, and hello to you, my love.

Who the hell's Charles?

He's just a friend of mine who doesn't have time to take the elevator down.

And what do you think will happen to Krita?

Set course for Krylar.

I will return.