Original subtitles

How's the market today, Cortez?

It's not too good, Artesia.

I'm afraid I'm fully invested in munitions factories.

All this peace breaking out in the world, I think we might very well be

How sad, Mon Amour.

It seems that no one wants to blow anything up anymore.

Mon Amour, you spoke French.

Oh, my son. Sweet Cortez. My sweet darling.

With your financial security in ruin, you are still my piece de resistance.

More French.

Corrida, you drive me crazy.

Yes.

You little French devil.

Yes.

Take off your jacket. Good boy will take it off.

You passed with a fast woman.

Oh, my God.

These are for you.

Oh.

It's either them or them.

Get the boiling point.

And here's my little steamer.

Just burn my tongue.

My darling.

My darling, my daughter.

Oh, my sweet, my sweet.

Let me come over here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah.

Take it baby.

Take it baby.

Oh fuck you.

Oh, come on, you.

Good to meet you.

Crotch will bring you a towel.

Who rang?

Yes, Crotch. Mrs.

Adams needs a towel.

Problem is, we have to find another way of getting some income going.

Yes, well, you're not suggesting that we get a real job, are you?

And mingle with the average person?

Never.

It's a little spooky out there, you know.

People are getting awfully strange these days.

Well, maybe we could find a way of making a living without leaving the

We may have Crotch maybe sell lemonade off the front porch.

No, I don't think Crotch would like that, darling. And the only thing that

Pester is qualified for is working for the government.

Maybe he could go to work for the post office.

Nah, he's going to eat the stamps. You know how he likes the gummy stuff on the

back of them.

A whorehouse? What a wonderful idea.

With the way you speak French, men are going to be coming at the drop of a hat.

Yes, well, they all will be coming to see me, my sweet.

I mean, we do have Cousin Ted. And, of course, you know, she's been turning

heads for quite a while now.

She has filled out lately, hasn't she?

Yes, and then, of course, there's my 18 -year -old niece, Tuesday.

Well, she's coming on Wednesday.

You can put her to work on Thursday. day. She'd be glad to pitch in. You know

how that girl loves sex.

Sex? Sex?

Did someone say something about sex?

I love sex. In fact, before I lost all my hair, I used to have a lot of sex. I

used to have sex in the morning, sex in the afternoon, and sex before dinner.

That's how much sex I had. Well, I'm sure you did, Uncle Patrick, but we're

talking about people having sex with other people.

Oh, well, I never tried that.

But if you need somebody to have sex with himself, I'm your guy.

giving you a hand job, Bester.

Not very much, but I think he can give you a hand with that.

Well, then it's all agreed.

My lovely Horticia becomes a madam.

And the rest of us, well, we become the madam's family.

Here's a room where you both can practice.

Now, you know what it is you're supposed to do, right?

Yes. Since we already know how to please men, we need to practice on each other

so we can learn how to please women just as well.

Very good, Tuesday.

Now, how's that for you, Cousin Tim?

Oh, it's absolutely great as long as she squeezes and sucks my round, succulent

breath.

We certainly got to pick some families, didn't you?

Fortunately so.

They wouldn't look very good on Uncle Esther.

So come on over here.

Oh, girls, you're doing so well.

I'll tell you what. I'm going to go downstairs and get ready for our guests.

And you guys stay here.

I'm not sure what to do.

Just look at him.

Well?

I love it.

The price I pay for being blessed.

Me

too,

love.

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

I'll be raising another buck or something like that.

It's around here.

Oh,

that's

pretty tickle.

That's what it's supposed to do.

Good sword fight.

Thank you, my darling, but we don't have time for this. We only have time to

concentrate on sex.

I thought I was.

No, darling, you don't understand.

By tomorrow, I want to have this whole place filled with paying customers, and

all the girls need more practice.

I'm way ahead of you, my dear.

I've arranged for Uncle Pester to come knocking on the door, posing as a...

client. Oh, what a wonderful idea.

But are you sure that Uncle Pester's a man? I mean, no one's ever seen him

those black robes. Clutch has.

Brings him his bathwater every evening.

Yes.

Tell her, Clutch.

Hung like a racehorse or what, huh?

Humble brothel paying guest. How may I serve you?

Serve me a little wine sauce, mushrooms, and a big apple to stick in my mouth.

Right here.

You can pretend to be dinner a little bit later, Esther.

Right now you want to think of one thing and... One thing only.

Test with two things.

No, in this case, the woman I'm thinking of is more like four things.

Test with ten.

Who else?

You come with me right now, and I'll give you more tips, and you know what to

do. I already have more tips I know what to do, and that's just on me.

Well,

I can see Uncle Pester is...

I'm going to give my cousin just about all the practice she's going to need.

What about Tuesday, though?

Well, I... It's

Tuesday.

I've got a real live customer waiting.

Still, I'm going to get my clothes on.

I don't know why I have to bother getting dressed when all I have to do is

undressed again.

Well, you know a gentleman likes to watch a lady undress. Well,

I prefer to have my clothes torn off.

Especially if the person doing the tearing is rich.

I'll see you later.

Now, kind sir, if you'll just wait right here, I'll go and find a buxom beauty

to tickle your fancy.

Oh, God.

I always wanted my fancy tickled. I just never knew where to find it, actually.

Yes, well, I'm sure she'll be able to find it for you.

On second thought, she'll give it her best effort.

Wow.

Right, muscle man?

You're the one I've been dreaming of all my life.

I'm just hoping that you've been doing a little dreaming of me.

I'm all yours, sweetheart.

Good. Let me suck my kiss.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Not bad.

Not bad.

Go on, suck it.

Oh, yeah.

Are you enjoying yourself?

Yeah.

But this one too.

Oh, not too hard.

Not too hard.

I hear just a novice.

Like that?

Not too hard.

Yes, you must learn how to squeeze the right way.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Like that?

Just like that.

Yeah. Oh, yes.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Are you enjoying yourself?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, my tits are so sensitive.

Oh, yes, I love to... Oh, it makes me so

orgasmic.

Stop right there.

Did I do something wrong?

You certainly did.

We're about to get dressed, and that is definitely wrong.

Especially since I,

Cortez, am here.

Why, Cortez, you threw the cigar away.

And that left me.

Sit. I'm sitting.

Up. Here.

Here. Okay. Now.

Like that?

Yes. Now we can... Oh,

my.

Sit up. Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Oh, let's get again.

Huge. It gets bigger.

They have pills against your tits?

Just like that.

And that feels good?

Yes, it feels good.

What, are you stupid or something?

You like that? Yes, I love it.

Oh, yeah.

Not such a stiff tongue right there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, like an ice cream cone.

sound good?

And it feels good. Shut up and work.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you're doing such a good job.

All right.

All right.

Now you've done your pussy work.

I want your dick.

Oh, where do you want?

Okay, now.

personal opinion. I think you are ready for the streets.

I thank you, Portis, for the encouragement, but won't Portis be mad

been test driving me?

Heavens no!

This is purely business!

I am just trying to help Portis' problem become a stunning success.

Well, I thought she was innocent and got to appear.

Oh, she's, uh, busy.

I am so glad

the mayor's office could send someone out to inspect the premises today, Mrs.

Billingsley. Oh, I'm so excited about getting my business permit, and, well, I

just can't wait to go to work.

Provided I find everything in order, I guess you will get your permits first

thing in the morning.

And you can start entertaining your clients in your house. You said you were

going to give massages?

Oh, yes. We just love working with our hands.

But what is that?

Well, that's one of our helping hands.

Oh, yeah, but this man is... completely naked from the waist down. It's true. He

is. He is naked. Oh, he's naked, and, well, I suppose that means we won't be

getting our permit, doesn't it?

On the contrary, you will get your permit.

Really? Yeah, along with some business with me as well.

Oh, great!

Tell me, I just have to know, was it thingy that turned you on, or was it my

butler crotch? Well,

just between you and me, Miss.

Oh, absolutely.

I think I'll join you.

Come with me.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Not at all.

This is the osteoporosis.

Oh.

There's such a way with the garden.

Thank you, my darling.

I just want the house to look so beautiful so that we can attract more

Judging by the first day, I would say that we're well on our way to a fortune.

But, you know, it's kind of too bad.

I'm going to miss the explosives game.

C 'est la vie, my darling.

C 'est la vie.

Life is so wonderful.